[ Closed ] AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in... (Page 1 of 2)

AJB presents

Act 1, Scene 1. A gaming house.

Steward: Whom do you seek, honoured sir?
Man who will never be seen again: I seek he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Steward: And who should I say is calling?
Man: Here, giveth him my card.
Steward: (Reading.) Barry's personal massage with guaranteed "Happy Ending"...?
Man: Oh sorry, wrong card- this be'eth the right card.
Steward: I prithee, tarry here and I shall call on him.

(At a gaming table.)
Duchess Sylvia: Another thousand pieces of gold doth I need.
Sir James: Thine courage dost inspire great admiration in me, Lady...?
Duchess Sylvia: I am she who is called Sylvia, Duchess of Trench. Thine good fortune dost inspire great admiration in me, Sir....?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
(Sir James reaches into a small gunmetal grey pouch, and retrieves some dried weed and two black flints.)
Duchess Sylvia: Ah! Might that be the famed 'tobacco' which of late Lord Raleigh hast brought from o'erseas?
Sir James: Aye, Duchess, 'tis true.
Duchess Sylvia: Dost thou... chew it?
Sir James: Nay, Duchess, observe...
(At this Sir James sprinkles the weed into some papers and rolls it into it a tube.)
Sir James: Thou sets it afire and breathes deeply into thy lungs. (He does exactly that.)
Duchess Sylvia: 'Twill ne'er catch on...
(Ye steward whispers into Sir James's ear and gives him a card.)
Sir James: Alack, I must leave- pray forgive me.
(He rises to go, and Duchess Sylvia doth follow.)
Duchess Sylvia: 'Tis too bad, for matters were becoming... interesting.
Sir James: Hast thou other pastimes, Duchess Sylvia?
Duchess Sylvia: Aye, I do enjoy horizontal jogging, dancing in ye dark, hiding ye bishop, two partner push-ups... and punting.
Sir James: Tomorrow then?
Duchess Sylvia: I shall let thee know...
(Sir James hands Duchess Sylvia a card.)
Duchess Sylvia: (Reading.) Barry's personal massage with guaranteed "Happy Ending"...?
Sir James: Oh sorry, wrong card-  this be'eth the right card. Mine address ist there. Also a list of taxi carriages to take thee there and back, and ye name of a voluntary organisation to help ye recover afterwards.

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Act 1, Scene 2. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Moneypenny: Ah, Sir James, I hast been searching for thee.
Sir James: Search no more, Maid Moneypenny, I am all yours.
Moneypenny: To dine with me thou hast never this apparel worn, Sir James.... To dine with me thou hast never.
Sir James: I wouldst most sincerely, were ye not the chattel of Sir Miles.
Moneypenny: Thou had better go right in.

Sir James: Hail to thee this fine evening, mine liege.
Sir Miles: The clock three times after midnight has struck, Naught Naught Seven. Dost thou sleep not?
Sir James: Ne'er do I sleep in thy service, sire.
Sir Miles: Does the term Topol-ing mean anything to you,  Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: It's dressing up as a beloved actor and singing about being a rich man, isn't it?
Sir Miles: Aye, but it also means interfering with ye flight path of a cannon ball. The American colonists have been using a new powerful cannon, but their balls are dropping all over the place.
Sir James: Oh, I believe that's called teabagging, sire.
Sir Miles: Last one landed in ye Caribbean, so thou shalt find out what or who is responsible.
Sir James: Aye sire, I'll find out who's been interfering with their balls.
Sir Miles: Then to far Jamaica must thou sail, Naught Naught Seven. Our man ye Duke of Strangways was investigating but he and his clerking wench have disappeared.
Sir James: Aye, mine liege.
Sir Miles: Now, thine flintlock thou must give to me forthwith.
(Sir James reluctantly hands his flintlock to Sir Miles, who gives it to ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: ‘Tis more fitting for a damsel. This flintlock I now give thee shall its pellets deliver even as a building stone through an aperture of glass.
Sir James: Then I shalt use it forthwith.
Sir Miles: And, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: Sire?
Sir Miles: Leave thine old flintlock with me.
(Reluctantly Sir James does so.)
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Act 1, Scene 3. The bedchamber of Sir James. Duchess Sylvia plays golf.

Duchess Sylvia: Alas, thou hast compelled me to miss it.
Sir James: Miss a thing thou dost not. Verily mine balls hath not been better played with...!
Duchess Sylvia: The right thing I doth aspire to have done.
Sir James: 'Tis the right thing, albeit at the wrong time.
Duchess Sylvia: Thou must leave? When matters doth become... interesting again?
Sir James: For Jamaica I must leave immediately.
Duchess Sylvia: Immediately?
Sir James: Approaching immediately...

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Act 2, Scene 1. A port. Sir James doth saunter down ye gangplank from ye newly arrived ship, neatly sidestepping a woman trying to to sketch his likeness, her parchment showing a man with a hat covering his face.

Driver: Greetings, good sir, be ye Sir James? I am here to collect you.
Sir James: Aye. To the Governor's house at once!
Driver: Certainly...... Dost thee have ye directions?
(Sir James doubts the veracity of his driver, but decides to play along.....)
Sir James: Along the coast road, but I be'eth in no hurry, so just taketh me for a ride.
(With a whip crack, they set off..... followed by another carriage.)
Sir James: Watch out for yon man with green trainers! (Thump.) Too late.
Driver: I think we're being followed, sire.
Sir James: Quickly at the next turn, go in there and stop, they should pass us.
(The driver complies with Sir James's instructions, turning to find Sir James pointing a dagger at him.)
Sir James: Now, some answers before your friends double back.
Driver: They're not my friends- I have a very small close group of friends with shared interests in literature, ye arts, line dancing and ye history of Scottish cordon bleu cuisine.....
(While talking he reaches for his sword, only to be thrown from ye carriage by Sir James....)
Sir James: Have at thee varlet!
(They engage in battle, Sir James cleverly fooling ye varlet by changing hands mid-punch.)
Driver: Please stop, I'll talk.... You're just too much of a man for me...
Sir James: As many a lady has discovered- now talk!
Driver: First, may I smoke? My pipe, it willst ease mine throat.
(Sir James allows him, but doth not notice ye small vial of poison hidden within it... too late he grabs at ye varlet.)
Driver: To hell with you!
Sir James: Well, that's a bit rude, I must say.
Driver: Eh, sorry. I will merely wish you misfortune in your efforts? (Dies.)
Sir James: Aye, that's much better.
(Sir James drives the carriage himself to ye Governor's house, stopping to tell the Sergeant of Arms about his now deceased passenger.)
Sir James: You know, I'm beginning to think tobacco may just be bad for one's health!

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Act 2, Scene 2. Pleydell-Smith takes Sir James to a club.

Pleydell-Smith: Here we art, Sir James, I shall introduce ye to the members here. Take heed, some art a bit eccentric.
Sir James: And what ist ye name of this club?
Pleydell-Smith: ‘Tis “Ye Quiet Arrow & Maiden’s Undergarment.”
Sir James: Let me just write that down on this parchment.
Pleydell-Smith: And why should thou do that?
Sir James: I do have a licence to quill...
(They join a group of men sitting at a table.)
Pleydell-Smith: Greetings, gentlemen. May I introduce Sir James Bond, who hast travelled from Albion to succeed the Duke of Strangways? (Ye gentlemen murmur “Hello”.) Here ist Colonel Chas, from Scotland...
Colonel: Hoots mon, hello! (Eats some haggis, then absent-mindedly produces a guitar from beneath his kilt and begins strumming.)
Sir James: I had expected an organ, although nothing worn under the kilt?
Colonel: Och away, all's in perfect working order!
Pleydell-Smith: (Aside.) Don’t ask him about ye guitar, ‘twill only encourage him. (Aloud.) Ye next chair ist reserved for Sir Paul, he ist Miles....
Sir James: Miles, sir?
Pleydell-Smith:  Aye, sir, miles away right now- he t'was known as Sir Kilometres until ye battle of Brexit. And from Albion, this be Lord Dangerous.
Lord Dangerous: Charmed, and this be mine assistant, from Norway. Twenty-three assistants I hast had, and I can never remember their names, so he ist known as...
Number 24: Be’est thee from England, Sir James?
(There ist a collective gasp, and all look nervously at ye aged Colonel, who hast begun to turn red and ist drawing in breath to speak.)
Sir James: ‘Tis often thought so, but mine father was a Scot and mine mother from Switzerland.
(All relax, relieved. Ye Colonel's blood pressure returns to normal.)
Pleydell-Smith: Next is Alchemist Dent, from Deutschland.... oh, but he ist not here. Merely a chair with a beach towel thrown across it. Landlord, where ist Alchemist Dent?
(Ye landlord approaches, a bearded man with suspiciously dark hair wearing a jester’s outfit.)
Landlord: Sure, to be sure gentlemen, I could not say.
Sir James: I thank'ee, but why ye jester's outfit?
Landlord: Once I worked in a royal court, but now I am nobody's fool. I shalt ask mine deputy- Virgil! Virgil Tracy!
(A young man dressed as Captain Scarlet approaches.)
Virgil: Aye, landlord? I wast just polishing ye A.R.S.E. and feeding Holly.
Landlord: These gentlemen do seek Alchemist Dent, know ye where he can be found?
Virgil: Hmm, he was last in ye Memorabilia chamber arguing with another gentleman member over which kind of timepiece wast better.
Landlord: Nothing unusual there then...
Pleydell-Smith: (Aside.) Ye Alchemist doth like to argue... a lot. Ah, here he comes now. (Enter Alchemist Dent, polishing a large timepiece.) Denty-babe, there thou art!
Alchemist Dent: Ye name is DENT!!!     
Pleydell-Smith: But of course you are. I prithee, greet Sir James from Albion.
Sir James: Greetings, Alchemist Dent.
Alchemist Dent: Greetings? Why do you say “greetings”? And who hath told thee I am Dent?
Sir James: ...Er... Ist that not thine name?
Alchemist Dent: Mine name? Oh.... Ja, ‘tis mine name.
Pleydell-Smith: (Aside.) Told you he liked to argue....
Alchemist Dent: Waiter! Wo ist mein knockwurst und sauerkraut? Und schnell!
Sir James: I hast travelled to seek ye Duke of Strangways and his clerking wench, hast anyone heard any ken of them?
Alchemist Dent: Um, that clerking wench was a looker, perhaps they ran away together, on a cruise?
Pleydell-Smith: I did hear that ye Duke enjoyed fishing, in ye boat of a local man named Quarrel.
Alchemist Dent: Quarrel?? Excellent! Where ist this quarrel?

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Act 2, Scene 3. A harbour.

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. A boon companion of the Duke of Strangways am I.
Quarrel: Exceeding pleasant that most surely is. In faith, I doth hold affection for those citizens whom boon companions of other citizens are.
Sir James: Be this thine boat?
Quarrel: Aye, Captain, and that be ye Caribbean. 'Twas there I did take ye Duke.
Sir James: And what is thy name, yeoman?
Quarrel: Quarrel.
Sir James: I seek no fight with thee, yeoman, now what is thy name?
Quarrel: Sir James, I was named by my mother after my father, an argumentative man who did frequently have disputes and disagreements.
Sir James: Thou needst explain no further, Yeoman Higgins. What did the Duke of Strangways do when thou took him into yonder Caribbean?
Quarrel: Fishing, sire?
Sir James: Mayhap I am, but I'm the one asking the questions. I wish to charter thy vessel. I search for crabs.
Quarrel: Thou shouldst venture to the local knocking shop, Sir James, the Flintlock and Doublet Strap. Thou ist bound to pick up a dose, 'tis 'men only' night tonight. Now please excuse me Sir James, I doth tarry too long. Puss Feller?
Sir James: More of a boobs man, actually, but any port in a storm.
Quarrel: (To Puss Feller.) Sir James and I need privacy, canst thou assist?
Puss Feller: Most certainly, mine friend.
(As Sir James and Quarrel move to a sheltered spot, Puss Feller wraps his arms around Sir James from behind and holds him tight. Quarrel produces a dagger from his hose and waves it threateningly under Naught Naught Seven's nose.)
Quarrel: 'Tis no use struggling Sir James, Puss Feller wrestles alligators.
Sir James: Quite the grip he hast on me, the like of which I was not expecting until closing time at the Flintlock and Doublet Strap this eve...
(At that, Sir James's tireless and deadly training takes over as he kicks ye dagger from Quarrel's hand and throws Puss Feller over his shoulder. As ye two men scrabble for purchase, Sir James backs away until he feels a hard protrusion in his back.)
Sir James: Is this an advance booking for the Flintlock this evening?
Lord Felix: Easy, sirrah, let us not get excited. Yeoman Quarrel, frisk him.
(As Quarrel frisks Sir James, Lord Felix notes ye concealed flintlock which ye Old Wizard hath issued to Naught Naught Seven.)
Lord Felix: Hast thou come from Her Majesty's realm? Thine armour ist Savile Row. I am Felix, Lord of Leiter, or 'two flints' as they hath called me at Virginia. I take it thou art Sir James. Come, let us dine at Puss Feller's tavern and discuss thine problem with crabs...
(They depart.)

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Act 2, Scene 4. A drinking place. A band plays "Good Morning Kingston Town".

Lord Felix: Sent have I been from across the sea, since our cannonballs have been diverted from their paths many times, and suspicion hath been placed here. Sup with us, Sir James.
Sir James: Stir not mine mead, though let it be shaken.
(Sir James espies a beauteous damsel sitting at an easel, painting furiously on a large canvas.)
Sir James: Hm, methinks I hast seen this wench before- seize her, Quarrel!
(Quickly Quarrel brings ye damsel to their table.)
Sir James: Let me see this painting...

Lord Felix: Not bad! I'll take a copy, and canst thou do one of me, too?
Damsel Annabel: This I have done already, lo!

Lord Felix: Hm, not so sure of that I be...
Sir James: ...er, I'll take that if thou dost not mind.
Damsel Annabel: And in mine spare time, I do still life- see?

Sir James: Hideous! Now, damsel, thou shalt impart unto me who doth seek mine likeness.
Damsel Annabel: Nay, ne'er shall I tell thee!
Quarrel: This damsel shalt tell us naught. Her arm shall I break, Sir James?
Sir James: Mayhap another time- free her, I prithee.
Damsel Annabel: All of ye are rats who shalt be sorry! (Exits.)
Quarrel: The Duke and I did these rocks find on the Isle of Crabs.
Sir James: And who doth own this isle?
Lord Felix: 'Tis the isle of a physician from the Orient.
Sir James: Physician? Nay!
Lord Felix: Funny it is that thou should say that....

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Act 2, Scene 5. An alchemist’s workshop.

Sir James: Greetings, Alchemist Dent.
Alchemist Dent: Dent? I know of no Dent- who hath told thee that I am Dent?
Sir James: ...er... Ye sign on thine door states thine name, and we did meet yesterday.
Alchemist Dent: Oh, yes... Dent... Hello Sir James, what canst I do for thee?
Sir James: Lend an eye to my stones, I prithee.
Alchemist Dent: I be'eth not that sort of alchemist, perhaps a psychia...
Sir James: Nay, these here....
(Sir James doth expose his stones to Alchemist Dent.)
Alchemist Dent: We scientists do call'eth them rocks!
Sir James: Very well, these rocks here.
Alchemist Dent: Oh, those rocks...
Sir James: I prithee, impart to me their provenance.
Alchemist Dent: Naught but common iron they be, from many of ye isles here.
Sir James: Nothing unusual about them?
Alchemist Dent: Nay, perfectly normal.
(As he speaks, a rock slides across the table to stick to a suit of armour in the corner.)
Alchemist Dent: ...Er... that happens all the time.
Sir James: Moving sideways like that, I rather fancied they didst come from ye Isle of Crabs.
Alchemist Dent: Such rocks doth in no way from ye Isle of Crabs hail, under no circumstance, most exceedingly not. From any other isle they doth come, yet in truth not from that isle. Not there. Most definitely. No sirree.
Sir James: I see, thank'ee Alchemist Dent. (Exits.)

(Later, at a harbour.)
Captain: Greetings, Alchemist Dent, what doth bring thee here in daylight?
Alchemist Dent: To ye Isle of Crabs thou must take me, apace and forthwith.
Captain: Nay, this cannot be done in daylight, thou dost know this!
Alchemist Dent: Ye responsibility shalt be mine- make haste!
Captain: Very well but first fill out this form... sign here... here and here.... initial here and here.... Have ye packed your bags yourself...?
Alchemist Dent: Aye, and can ye stamp my frequent sailings card?
Captain: Oh, you're just one away from a free, complementary bag of Guano!

(Later still, on ye Isle of Crabs, Alchemist Dent ist shown into a strange room.)
Alchemist Dent: ....Hello? (There ist no reply.) Hello?
(From off, we doth hear a toilet flush then ye sound of footsteps.)
Unseen Voice: Sorry about that but when thou hast to go, thou hast to go. Ah, Denty-baby!
Alchemist Dent: Ye name ist HIGG... er, DENT!!!     

Unseen Voice: And thou hast come to my isle in daylight, wherefore hast thou done this?
Alchemist Dent: Today I wast visited by Sir James Bond.
Unseen Voice: I know how he ist, what he ist and what he hast come for- 'twas on ye cards. He willst not succeed.
Alchemist Dent: What wouldst thou have me do?
Unseen Voice: Go to yon table....

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Act 3, Scene 1. Sir James returns to his room.

Steward: Your mead, sir. Shaken as thee said, and not stirred.
Sir James: I thank'ee, my good man.
(Steward exits. Sir James drinks his mead, then doth open his satchel. From within he produces a bottle of strong beverage from ye land of ye Tsars, two bottles of wine, a flask of ouzo and one lemon. Mixing them all together, he doth drink ye lot and fall into bed.)
Sir James: (Drunkenly sings.) Three blind mice, in a row....
(Sir James falls asleep. A few hours later, he doth awake as something stirs in his bed. Sir James twitches and glances down.)
Sir James: 'Tis an unfamiliar twitch down there... ist that thee, May?
(Silence meets Naught Naught Seven as the creature slowly and inexorably creeps up his leg.)
Sir James: May, hast thou a secret thou art keeping from me?  Be thou more Brian than May?
(With haste, Sir James flings back ye coverlet and espies a snake slithering up his body.)
Sir James: An asp! Hiss off!
(From a corner of his room, a voice mutters: "Dummkopf Asp". Sir James springs from ye bed and searches for a slipper with which to banish the asp. Reaching beneath his bed, he doth withdraw a tatty green trainer, before hastily discarding it. Ye asp sends a venomous glance towards the voice in the corner, and with a hiss, is gone.)
Sir James: There ist ne'er a cigar nor shaving foam handy when one needeth one...

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Act 3, Scene 2. A place of business.

Sir James: I prithee, Pleydell-Smith, display unto me thine records concerning the Isle of Crabs, and its owner.
Pleydell-Smith: Most surely- Miss Taro, I bid thee gather yon parchments together for Sir James.
Miss Taro: Alack, sir, these parchments cannot be found- I doth fear they were taken away by the Duke of Strangways.
Sir James: No matter, fair maiden- thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Miss Taro: I should say maybe, Sir James...
(Later...)
Damsel Taro: I prithee, Sir James, thou shouldst attend mine lodgings.  After heading south on ye great north road, go west. Pass ye cement factory, pass ye bauxite mine, pass ye dutchie from ye left hand side. On a dark desert highway, cool wind in thine hair, up ahead thou shalt see a shimmering light. At Longitude 78 West go up ye junction, then thou willst be up where we belong.

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Act 3, Scene 3. A boudoir.

Damsel Taro: Most belated thou art, Sir James.
Sir James: Alas, mine steed was unwilling.
Damsel Taro: Ah, that doth explain...
Sir James: Explain what, I prithee?
Damsel Taro: Umm, explain why... thy stallion, ummm... is not....
Sir James: It hath ne'er happened to me before, Damsel Taro, normally one's steed rise'eth to meet a challenge...
Damsel Taro: Perhaps ye Alchemist can prescript for such an ailment, Sir James... some viagra... or a splint...
Sir James: Ye Alchemist? Thou know'est him? Ye plot thickens. Unlike mine stallion.
(A pigeon alights in Damsel Taro's cottage. It trills.)
Sir James: Art thou not intending to answer that?
(Damsel Taro approaches ye pigeon and attaches a message to one foot. It departs, no mean feat as ye message 'twas chiselled into marble.)
Damsel Taro: Hinter me I know not what doth transpire.
Sir James: Thine forgiveness I crave, for such a vista I doth admire.
Damsel Taro: Would thou like to do missionary?
Sir James: Nay, I have been to Africa: I want to stay here with thee....
(A discreet interval later...)
Damsel Taro: Dost thou always smoke afterwards?
Sir James: This I would not know, I never look.
Damsel Taro: Dine with me, Sir James, I shall prepare for thee an Eastern repast.
Sir James: Yet I feel Roman and musical. Perhaps thou couldst play a small tune on mine, um, musical organ? It still does not work. Or a laying on of hands?
Damsel Taro:  Sir James, my nail paint wouldst chip.
(The sound of hooves approaches.)
Damsel Taro: That must be thine steed, Sir James, or else thou art passing skillful with thy coconut halves...
(Sir James opens ye door, and two constables enter.)
Damsel Taro: Sir James, if these be thy stable boys and magic they can work on thy stallion, I shalt be happy to chip my nails...
Sir James: Lead her to thy cells, constables. Though wary thou must be of the paint upon her nails. 'Twill take some time to thicken. Much like my stallion...
(Damsel Taro ist led off by ye constables, which can be quite painful. Sir James sits down to relax in ye bedroom, cleaning his sword. After an hour or two, enter Alchemist Dent, walking silently in his green training shoes, who stabs the pillows in ye bed several times.)
Sir James: Drop thine sword, Alchemist, and hinter thee!
(Ye Alchemist drops his sword next to his distasteful footwear.)
Alchemist Dent: Very clever, Sir James.
Sir James: 'Tis amusing, wondering I had been when thou would show up, Denty-bum.
Alchemist Dent: The name ist DEN-
(Sir James slays the Alchemist.)
Sir James: But of course it is.

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Act 3, Scene 4. A sailboat.

Lord Felix: Thou art most tardy, Sir James.
Sir James: To the Isle of Crabs we must sail without delay. Alchemist Dent didst say ye rocks were not from that Isle.
Lord Felix: A most inferior alchemist he must be, or the worst of liars.
Quarrel: Most afraid of this isle am I, for there be a dragon who doth breath fire.
Lord Felix: Then thou must merely breathe upon him, for thou doth breathe rum.
Quarrel: Bah!

(Later, in ye sailboat.)

Lord Felix: ‘Tis best you two go on alone from here, I do fancy.
Quarrel: Fair enough. (Elbows Lord Felix into ye water.)
Lord Felix: (Growing fainter as ye boat continues.) Hey, come back you bast....
Quarrel: (Aside.) "For thou doth breathe rum", eh? Ha!
Sir James: Quarrel, what be yon house there?
Quarrel: That, Sir James, be ye house of a Major Dexter Smythe- most days thou can see him swimming from his beach, playing with his octopussies. Sometimes his pretty young daughter doth join him.
Sir James: And next to that?
Quarrel: That be ye house of the Havelocks- oddly enough, they too have a pretty young daughter.
Sir James: And then I do see some building going on.
Quarrel: Ah, that be ye Bird of Thunder boarding house- ‘tis not finished yet. Thou should take a nap, Sir James, I shalt wake thee when we near ye Isle of Crabs.

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Act 4, Scene 1. A beach. Sir James sleeps, Quarrel ist not far away.

Sir James: (Awakening.) ...no, not yet... I hardly know ye... Felix... (Sir James awakes and looks nervously at Quarrel, who ist still sleeping. Relieved, he doth look at ye ocean, where a naked girl ist looking at shells.)

(Sir James blinks, then realises she ist wearing a white bikini. He doth curse ye censor.)
Honey: (Sings) 'Neath ye tree of mango... la la...
Sir James: (Sings) 'Neath ye tree of mango...
Honey: Who art thou?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Honey: Seek ye shells?
Sir James: Nay, I merely seek. What ist thine name, fair maiden?
Honey: I am Honey. Fear this isle thou must, Sir James, for here be a dragon.
(Quarrel joins them.)
Quarrel: In this matter thou hast the right, fair maiden.
Sir James: Nay, dragons be there not.
Honey: Thou art from ye city, thou know'est not of what may be here. Hast thou ever seen a mongoose dance?
Sir James: Nay, but I have seen a cat fish.
Honey: Hast thou seen a praying mantis?
Sir James: Nay, insects bug me.
Honey: But here there ist a dragon!
Quarrel: 'Tis true, much have I heard of a dragon on this Isle.
Sir James: I do swear to thee both, there are NO dragons.
(A dragon doth appear and Quarrel ist slain.)
Sir James: Whoops.
(Sir James and Honey are captured and led away.)

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Act 4, Scene 2. A dining room.

Honey: Lo, Sir James, see here! A goldfish bowl, with one goldfish swimming in it.
Sir James: Hm, surely that should be GoldenFish? And it hath a silver fin.
Physician: About 75p, Sir James. (They turn to see ye Physician.) Thou were wondering about its cost.

Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
Physician: With me shalt thou dine, Sir James, while I doth tell thee mine history. I prithee, drink this mead that has been stirred not, though shaken it be.
Sir James: And yet no hands doth thou have. Tell me: here I have noticed a mountain of bird poo, a pool of urine and a pond of sweat.
Physician: Much have I achieved on this naked little island.  Ye bird poo ist for business. The pool,  'tis there that I have perfected a new system of injecting urine into the forehead to remove wrinkles.
Sir James: Bollocks!
Physician: Very close- I shall call it...  Botox!
Sir James: And ye pond of sweat?
Physician: A man's got to have a hobby. Employment I do offer thee, Sir James, for most impressed I am with thine calibre.
Sir James: Employment, for whom?
Physician: I doth belong to an organisation called Spectre.
Sir James: Ah, thou do make codes for ye Tsars.
Physician: Nay, that ist a Lektor. I work for Spectre.
Sir James: I see, thou do make songs with girl groups.
Physician: (Growing impatient.) Not Spector, SPECTRE! The Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion.
Sir James: Doesn't that spell SEFCITRAE?
Physician: It depends, Sir James, on how good thine spell checker ist. Mine ist from Cambridge and more accurate than a dictionary when he's sober.
Sir James: You have a servant to check your magic spells?
Physician: Nay, SPELLING!
Sir James: Mine employment shall be avenging Quarrel and the Duke of Strangways.
Physician: Alack, thee I have misjudged, merely a constable without wit thou be. Guards, take him to ye easily-escapable chamber- but beat him up first!

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Act 4, Scene 3. An easily-escapable chamber. Sir James lies unconscious on the floor.

Sir James: ...Oh, I prithee don’t do that again, Felix, ‘tis still sore... (Awakes.) Ah. (Looks around the cell.) Hmm, there seems to be some sort of vent...
(Sir James enters ye vent.)
Sir James: ‘Tis tight in here... Um, what ist that ahead? ‘Tis moving!  Oh, only a little spider. (Sir James carefully avoids treading on ye spider.) Could be worse, I am glad ‘twasn’t a bunch of tarantulas! Now, what ist this...?
(The vent opens to a large room, full of middle-aged women.)
1st Woman: Ah, he ist here girls- Hello, handsome!
(The other women cheer.)
Sir James: What? I prithee, am I expected?
2nd Woman: Thou art late! Let us get started!
1st Woman: Aye, get them off!
Sir James: ...er, get what off?
3rd Woman: Thine clothing! Art thou not our male stripper for this evening? ‘Tis our works night out.
Sir James: Stripper? Nay, I think it not.
2nd Woman: Grab him!
(Ye crowd of women lunge toward Sir James, who rapidly leaps back into the vent.)
Sir James: Methinks I had a narrow escape there- now, let us see what ist down this turning...
(Ye next section of the tunnel ist lined with feathers. Sir James narrowly avoids being tickled to death, then avoids squashing a group of cute kittens.)
Sir James: A close shave that was! Now, what ist down here...?

(Sir James emerges from the vent to see ye Physician peering intently into a sunken pool.)
Sir James: Hmm, this must be his store of urine to use for injections... Now, I wonder...?
(Sir James sneaks quietly up behind, then kicks ye Physician into the pool.)
Physician: Argh! Get me out of here!
Sir James: Not for all the pee in China.
(Sir James races into ye next chamber, where he finds Honey.)
Sir James: Honey, art thou all right?
Honey: Of course, Sir James, just let me finish eating this crab. Wouldst thou like one?
Sir James: ...er... Perhaps later, but let us make haste to a boat!

--------------------

Act 5, Scene 1. A sailboat.

Sir James: Seek ye help, Lord Felix?
(Lord Felix espies Honey beside Sir James.)
Lord Felix: ‘Tis certain thou dost not, Sir James.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Charmed & Dangerous, and a nod to Number24

Last edited by Barbel (6th Dec 2017 06:09)

HE OF THE GILDED FINGER

Act 1, Scene 1. A harbour.  A duck swims across the water, and as it nears ye shore, there is coughing and spluttering as a voice comes from beneath it.

Voice: This fowl idea was completely quackers.
(A figure rises under ye duck, we see it ist Sir James Bond. Apace, he throws ye stuffed duck aside and rises from the water to approach a wall where there ist a sign.)
Sir James: (Reading.) “Romalez Fruits. Our bananas are a-peeling.” Good, this must be ye place. With Romalez as the head man or...... Top Banana?
(Sir James pulls a small crossbow from his doublet and fires an arrow with a rope attached. He scales ye wall, knocks out a guard, and finds himself surrounded by trees with yellow fruits.)
Sir James: Hmm, this ist where ye bananas art grown.
(Sir James places a barrel of gunpowder beneath a banana tree and slowly backs off, leaving a trail of gunpowder. Outside a tavern, he sets light to the trail.)
Sir James: Now to be like'th a banana myself and....... Split!
(Sir James removes his wet clothing to reveal a perfectly dry outfit beneath.)

-------------------------

Act 1, Scene 2. A crowded tavern. Sir James enters, watching a maiden dance for ye customers. There ist a loud explosion and most of ye clientele flee. Sir James goes to ye bar beside a man who ist quietly drinking.

Yeoman: Praise be upon thee, Sir James, for thou hast fouled ye intent of Count Romalez.
Sir James: To foment insurrection with the fruit of the banana tree he will no longer.
Yeoman: Well, first he tried to fund it with a specialist fur trade, specialising in only one fur.
Sir James: Mink or sable?
Yeoman: Nay, Just In Beaver. He had intended to use apples but another did beat him to it, opening many shops only selling that fruit.
Sir James: Aye, yon Apple store.
(The yeoman looks around ye tavern.)
Yeoman: Here ‘tis no longer safe for thee. Thine vessel doth depart within the hour.
Sir James: And aboard shall I be, though mine business here ist, like my doublet soon shall be, undone.
(Sir James watches ye dancing maiden flounce off.)

------------------

Act 1, Scene 3. A boudoir. Sir James ist embracing ye dancing maiden.

Dancing Maiden: Ow! Thine weapon does dig into me.
Sir James: I thought that was the idea tonight- oh, I see what thou do mean.
Dancing Maiden: Must thou wear it always?
Sir James: A thousand pardons I crave, for its lack doth diminish me. (He hangs his flintlock by a bath.) Now...
(As they embrace, Sir James looks deeply into ye maiden’s eyes and doth see the reflection of a varlet approaching from behind. They struggle, with the varlet reaching for the flintlock then falling into the maiden's ablution barrel.)
Sir James: Varlet, if thine be from a royal house would'st this be a Bath Knight?
(Sir James doth overcome the varlet with a pair of the maiden's stockings, pushing him lower in the water.)
Sir James: Seems you've reach the bottom of the barrel.
(Sir James retrieves his weapon and prepares to leave, returning the maiden's under garments.)
Sir James: Stockings- positively stockings. (Exits.)

--------------------

Intermission.  A gilded maiden is displayed. A Welsh woman sings.

---------------------

Act 2, Scene 1. A boarding house. Sir James ist being massaged by a comely wench. A band plays "Good Morning Miami Town".

Lord Felix: In the safest of hands I do find thee.
Sir James: Greetings, Lord Felix! What news do you carry?
Lord Felix: I bear tidings from Sir Miles, thou art bidden to pursue a knave who...
Sir James: I bid thee tarry, Lord Felix. Lady Dink, thou art dismissed while men do speak. (Smack. Exit Lady Dink.)
Lord Felix: Some may say that was sexist, Sir James.
Sir James: I am not a sexist- ye chicks hate that.
Lord Felix: ...er, yes. Anyway, thou art bidden to pursue a knave who a gilded finger doth have.
Sir James: To the finest boarding house Sir Miles would not have sent me without good reason.
Lord Felix: Thine purposed target ist from Albion, thou he soundest not.
Sir James: And wherefore shall I find this knave?
Lord Felix: (Points.) Thither, having much success with the playing of cards.
(Sir James spies two men playing cards.)
Sir James: Hmmm....

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. Another boudoir. Through a window, an undressed maiden ist watching ye two men playing cards. Enter Sir James.

Undressed Maiden: What is thy name, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Pay heed forthwith, He of the Gilded Finger, of thine scheme I now have knowledge. 'Tis certain that the constables should not condone thine scheme with the playing of cards- thou must nod thine head if thou doth agree. Nod!!!
Undressed Maiden: Thou may know me as Maiden Jill Masterton.
Sir James: Not Masterson then?
Maiden Jill: Nay, that was just a typo.
Sir James: And thou dost work for yonder knave?
Maiden Jill: Paid I am, merely to be seen on his arm.
Sir James: Just seen?
Maiden Jill: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: Of this I am most glad.
Maiden Jill: For thee I now carry great affection, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. In this locality I know'est the most opportune venue. And I do have a licence to Jill...

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir Miles: Oh, a fool art thou! Thine intent to solely bear an eye upon He of the Gilded Finger was clear, yet with his concubine did thee frolic. With heavy heart did I bear upon the constables for thy freedom.
Sir James: I crave thy pardon, my liege, mine shortcomings are known to me though mine mission be not... Sire.
Sir Miles: What know'est thee of gold, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: When it is seen, it I doth know.
Moneypenny: I know'est of no gold but a wedding band. I prithee, dine with me tonight Sir James.
Sir Miles: Nay, with me shall Naught Naught Seven dine. When the clock strikes seven thou shalt meet with me here, in formal attire.

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 2. A dining room. Sir Miles and Sir James art ye guests of Colonel Smithers.

Colonel: And what know'eth thee of banking, Sir James?
Sir James: In banking I have lost interest. Many times.
Colonel: Most suspicious I am of a knave with a gilded finger- great riches he hast amassed, and it ist not known how honest he has been in the acquiring of these.
Sir Miles: And it ist thine desire that we should find out for thee?
Colonel: Aye, ‘twould most helpful be. I prithee, partake of this rather shoddy mead.
Sir Miles: (Drinking.) It doth seem quite satisfactory.
Sir James: Nay, sire, ‘tis most disappointing. ‘Tis my opinion that-
Sir Miles: We are here to hear Colonel Smithers, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But of course, sire.
Colonel: ‘Twould seem that this knave hast been taking large amounts of gold abroad, and we know not how. Thee must discover this for us.
Sir James: Hmm, methinks I should arrange a game of some sorts with He of the Gilded Finger, outcheat him somehow and make sure I do win.
Sir Miles: With this plan I cannot see anything going wrong at all.
Sir James: 'Tis one I intend to use time and again.
Colonel: Take thee this glistering bar of gold, which thou may use freely.

---------------------

Act 3, Scene 4. Ye Old Wizard’s Lair.

Sir James: Greetings, Old Wizard. Mine carriage I doth seek.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven, for thine carriage antiquated be by decree of Sir Miles. A new carriage shalt thou have- behold!
(He displays a wondrous carriage to Sir James.)
Sir James: Marry, a seat on springs! Surely thou doth jest?
Old Wizard: I ne’er jest about my work, Naught Naught Seven. And call me Shirley not.
Sir James: Tell me what wonders this carriage doth perform.
Old Wizard: I shalt not keep thee for more than an hour or so.
Sir James: 

------------------

Act 4, Scene 3. A field pitted with eight-and-ten holes.

He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, wouldst thou like to play a round?
Sir James: Sometimes, aye, but thou art not mine type.
He of the Gilded Finger: Mine sources tell me otherwise...
Sir James: Not bad, I like this game.
He of the Gilded Finger: Here take my card, I'm staying at the Fontainebleau.... No pressure. Number 343.
Sir James: Your suite?
He of the Gilded Finger: See, you're coming round already! Impart unto me thine intent, Sir James.
Sir James: Mine intent?
He of the Gilded Finger: To make sport thou didst not here arrive.
Sir James: This glistering bar I do bring.
(Sir James throws ye bar of gold to the ground, hitting Oddjob's foot.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Oh, sorry old chap.
He of the Gilded Finger: Then play for this bar we shall. I shalt stake ye cash equivalent.
(They play around, er, play a round. Sir James emerges victorious. Annoyed, He of the Gilded Finger hands his putter to Oddjob who snaps it easily with one hand.)
Sir James: Remarkable.
He of the Gilded Finger: Oh 'tis nothing, Sir James- I own the club. Twice have our paths crossed, Sir James. Let that sufficient be.
(He heads off to his carriage, which of course ist gilded. Sir James follows at a discreet distance.)

---------------------

Act 4, Scene 4.

(In ye carriage supplied by ye Old Wizard, Sir James follows the gilded carriage across Europe. At one point, a smaller carriage driven by a pretty maiden doth overtake him. Sir James almost chases after, but...)

Sir James: Discipline, Naught Naught Seven.... discipline.  These young maidens driving sports carriages, smoking, ........ they'll be voting next!
(High in ye mountains of Switzerland, ye gilded carriage draws to a halt as He of the Gilded Finger stops to buy some fruit, lentils and chickpeas.)
Sir James: ‘Twould seem he of the Gilded Finger ist stopping for refreshment. I should have known he would not be able to resist getting his lips about a lovely pear.
(A crossbow bolt flashes past Sir James's head, he turns in time to see the maiden run off, and in her carriage make haste away. Sir James quickly manoeuvres his own carriage beside hers then reaches for a lever marked "Boudica", slashing her wheel and sending her crashing into a hedge.)
Sir James: (Aside.) This is a fine way to meet a maiden. This time the wench didn't even break anything! (Aloud.) Gadzooks!!! Must be a defect of some sort, these new low profile carriage wheels... Goodyear?
Maiden: Not really first I lost my sist.... er, can you take me to the nearest village ?
Sir James: Of course, let me carry your bags, I shalt be only too pleased to give thee a ride. I am he who ist called-
Maiden: With all speed, I prithee.
Sir James: This crossbow case is beautiful. I had one just like it.
Maiden : Nay, it be’eth for my... er..... beach elephant polo trunks !
Sir James: Lovely sport, although I thought the elephants brought their own trunks.
Maiden: That's irrelephant.
Sir James: As Ivory well know.
(They enter ye carriage of Sir James and drive off.)
Sir James: And how may I call thee?
Maiden: Thou may know me as Maiden Tilly... er... St John Pseudonym Smythe.
(Sir James notices that her baggage ist stamped "TM".)
Sir James: Hmm...
Maiden Tilly: Watch out for that man with the green trainers! (Thump.) Too late!
Sir James: No matter, he will be back. Nothing surer.
Maiden Tilly: Look, there's an inn, thou can let me alight here.
Sir James: I didn't know you wanted a smoke, you could have had a pull on my...
(Ye maiden dismounts with her bag.)
Sir James: He looks to be in charge. (Sir James points at an innkeeper.)
Maiden Tilly: Super Visor ?
Sir James: Thank ye, I polish it every Knight 

Maiden Tilly: Goodbye, then.
Sir James: Goodbye, don't forget to write.
Maiden Tilly: Sorry I didn't know you were an Uber, I'll give you a good review.

(Later, Sir James ist outside a factory. Ye sign reads "Gilded Finger Enterprises. Perfectly Normal Stuff Going On Here." He sneaks in, finding himself at a window where he doth spy He of the Gilded Finger talking with one of his men.)

He of the Gilded Finger: ...but Kirsch, thou did say that Mr Ling would be waiting here for me.
Kirsch: Indeed, sir, I know not where he might be.
(Mr Ling leaps out of a cupboard.)
Mr Ling: Ah-har!
He of the Gilded Finger: In heaven's name, Mr Ling, thou didst nearly give me a heart attack!
Mr Ling: A thousand apologies, He of the Gilded Finger, old habits die hard- mine previous employer did encourage me to attack him at any time.
He of the Gilded Finger: Most strange.
Mr Ling: He did say that it kept him at his peak.
He of the Gilded Finger: It sounds like a shot in the dark.
Mr Ling: Funny that thou should say that...
He of the Gilded Finger: Look ye at mine carriage, Mr Ling- 'tis made of solid gold, and I make three trips per year here to convey ye precious metal. Here, I smelt it.
Mr Ling: They do say that he who smelt it dealt it.
He of the Gilded Finger: Indeed, my dealings have made me rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
Mr Ling: Mayhap 'twould be wiser to wait for the moment.
He of the Gilded Finger: I assure ye, Operation Grande Slamme willst have mine undivided attention.
(Sir James silently departs.)
Sir James: Hmm, there ist an exit behind yon waterfall- it may be useful later.

(Sir James attempts to sneak out stealthily.)

Maiden Tilly: Ow! Watch where thou art putting thine feet!
Sir James: Maiden Tilly- what art thou doing here?
Maiden Tilly: I doth try to slay He of the Gilded Finger- he did kill mine sister!
Sir James: "TM".... Tilly Masterson!
Maiden Tilly: Nay, Masterton- that was only ever a typo by Richard Maibaum.
(An arrow flies between them. Sir James turns to see Oddjob and several armed men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Sir James: Run for it, to mine carriage I prithee!
(They run to ye carriage, hotly pursued.)
Sir James: Quick, Maiden Tilly, get in!
(Oddjob and his men enter their carriages and follow.)
Sir James: Worry not fair Tilly, for I hath had some optional extras fitted. Would'st thou care to place thine sweet lips on my manly pipe ?
Maiden Tilly: Sir James thou art incorrigible, always thinking of your "pipe".
Sir James: Nay, its tobacco is a special blend from ye Old Wizard, and will produce much smoke to confuse these blaggards!
(Sure enough ye blaggards are confused. Sir James gives a display of superb carriagemanship to dispatch several of his pursuers but finds his path blocked by a fallen tree.)
Sir James: Hide in that wood.
Maiden Tilly: What wood? I cannot see any wood.
Sir James: Why it be’eth straight in front of thee!
Maiden Tilly: Oh. Aye, I couldn't see the wood for the trees.
(She runs but is struck down by Oddjob's hat and Sir James is forced under guard to drive his carriage once again back to He of the Gilded Finger's lair.)
Guard: Good day, Sir James, my name is Wilhelm Chin and I shall be thine brigand for this evening.
Sir James: Unusual name.
Chin: I am the child of a German missionary and a Chinese girl of good family. I am unique, thou hast never met anyone like me- I am even studying via a parchment course to become a Physician.
Sir James: That sounds very familiar...
Chin: Oh, that ist a disappointment- what about my hobby, collecting bird droppings?
Sir James: Sadly, that too- never mind, Chin up!
Chin: Please do not try anything foolish, I have this stiletto ready to timothy thine flesh.
Sir James: Don't you mean pierce mine flesh?
Chin: Yes, sorry, I always get those two mixed up.
Sir James: Thine stiletto- Jimmy Choo's or Christian Louboutin?
Chin: Take heed, Sir James, watch out for that man with green- (Thump.) .... trainers.
Sir James: He will be back, I am sure.
(They soon arrive at the gatehouse to He of the Gilded Finger's estate, an old woman is the keeper of the gate.)
Sir James: Who be’eth the Keeper of the Gate?
Chin: Oh, that ist Lexi. She is wise and tells fortunes.
Sir James: I hath come across maidens like that before.
Chin: Oh, listen to her boasting! He of the Gilded Finger knew some of us lads were missing our home comforts, so to speak, so employed her as a bit of eye candy.
Sir James: Sorry, but I cannot raise my eyebrow high enough!
Chin: Yes, she loves getting her expert hands on our socks.
Sir James: Now, thou did say socks?
Chin: Aye, for all the home comforts like’eth darning of socks, cooking some lovely pies and tucking us in to bed at night with a story, or telling us about our future.
(As they talk Sir James moves his foot across to a pedal marked "Pixie Dust".......)
Sir James: Had she any portent for thee ?
Chin: Aye, a promotion methinks, as she did speak of me rising or gaining stature.
Sir James: She hath the power, all right! Sorry old boy, but as we say- Chin Chin.
(Sir James steps on ye pedal and the guard is flung from his seat by a large spring! As he flies through the air the guard screams.)
Chin: Ah!!! ...
Sir James: Aye, that does indeed sound like a Wilhelm scream!
(Sir James turns his carriage to exit via the Gate Keeper, but she stands with a double barrelled cannon.... )
Gate Keeper: Say hello to my little friend! (She doth fire her weapon.)
Sir James: Balls!   
(Turning his carriage away he shouts at the crone.)
Sir James: I hope thee knits socks in hell!
(Oddjob and his blaggards give chase, with Oddjob shouting at his men.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob has asked that half you men attack Sir James from behind whilst the other half get ahead to harass his front- and no, Mr Oddjob would like to point out that is not a sexual innuendo, as he frowns on bawdy humour.
Oddjob: Ah-har !
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob would like to express his gratitude for all your hard work during this busy time. He knows there have had to be sacrifices for the operation- once again not an innuendo, but if we can capture Sir James quickly he’ll put up a round of drinks at the local tavern and will try and talk He of the Gilded Finger into adding that dental plan to ye perks of working for his "totally normal, nothing criminal going on here organisation".
(They run and give chase to Sir James, who finds himself forced down an alleyway facing two waterfalls.....)
Sir James: Two waterfalls- now what is the old rhyme again...?
  " If waterfalls two is that what ye see, ‘tis left or right is the question that be.
   Quick ponder, on yonder the one's that guess you might, then pull your reins
   from slackened to tight.
   Gird thine loins, with all the power ye can master, Turn to the left so thee can
   run Faster "
(As Sir James is saying this he crashes into the waterfall on the left and is thrown uncon... uncons... knocked out from the carriage. Oddjob walks over and smiles.)
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob says well done lads. Once again, you've done him proud by hitting all ye targets and it reminds him of the old saying:
   “There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest. Use both and overlook neither.”
so let’s get Sir James inside, and he'll give his usual friendly One to One chat session as he values your input, after all there's no I in team.
(Sir James is dragged away.)

------------------------

Act 5, Scene 1. A villain’s lair. Sir James ist unconscious and tied to a table.

Sir James: ...oh do it harder, Felix... (Awakes.) Ah! 
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: But I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
He of the Gilded Finger: Nay, thee art but a lap dog to a Queen.
Sir James: We don't talk about Dame Miles's attire!
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou hast been recognised.
Sir James: Tindr ?... Not Grindr, that was a mistake, I accidentally hit accept ....
He of the Gilded Finger: Here be gold, Sir James. Its lustre hath beguiled me, and I am bewitched by its spell. Look up above thine head, Sir James.
(Sir James looks up to see a cauldron suspended over his feet.)
Sir James: And what might this be, He of the Gilded Finger? Hot oil, mayhap? Molten lead? Ah, nay, perhaps molten gold might be more your style.
He of the Gilded Finger: On thee I would not waste mine most precious gold! In this cauldron, which as thou canst see ist on a pulley controlled by ropes, is the output of the gents’ privy over the last two weeks.
Sir James: So you've been extracting the urine?
He of the Gilded Finger: Aye, not so much a GoldenEye but a Golden Shower! What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?  No?...... Well I wouldn't pay £20 to have a lentil on my chest!
(He of the Gilded Finger laughs at Sir James.)
Sir James: Art thou pissing me about?
He of the Gilded Finger: Thou will find out soon enough- urine for a most unpleasant death, although we shalt have a nice rainbow to look at afterwards.
(He signals to his man, Kirsch, and ye cauldron slowly tips over slightly. A stream of golden liquid falls between the feet of Sir James, and slowly begins to work its way up towards him.)
Sir James: Thy point is most surely taken and for this demonstration I do offer mine thanks.
He of the Gilded Finger: With care must thee choose thine soonest witty saying, Naught Naught Seven, lest it be thine last.
Sir James: To speak shall I not, though thou shall anticipate it.
He of the Gilded Finger: I but anticipate thine death, Sir James.
(Ye vile stream gets ever closer to Sir James.)
Sir James: Ammonia servant of Her Majesty!
He of the Gilded Finger: But of course thou art.
Sir James: Thou art forgetting that Naught Naught Eight my place can take.
He of the Gilded Finger: Forsooth, more successful shall he be!
Sir James: Of what I know, he doth know.
He of the Gilded Finger: And what "he" sees, I see. That is, naught!  Thou knowest naught, Sir James.
Sir James: Ye Grande Slamme is that of which I speak.
He of the Gilded Finger: (Taken aback.) Thou hast no ken of mine operations.
Sir James: This chance canst thou take?
(The liquid ist now very close to Sir James, who ist very afraid.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, thou art of more value alive, Sir James.
(He signals to Kirsch, who knocks Sir James out with a sandbag.)

--------------------

Act 6, Scene 1. High above the sea.

Sir James: Impart unto me thine name, fair damsel.
Pussy: Pussy Galore am I.
Sir James: Most verily ‘tis true, though thine name I seek. Many maids hath given mine doublet the nickname of ye Burger King!
Pussy: For why ?
Sir James: As it be'eth the home of the whopper!
Pussy: I am in the personal service of He of the Gilded Finger.
Sir James: I wouldst know how personal that may be.
Pussy: His winged chariots I doth drive, exceeding well. Period.
Sir James: And where may we be headed now?
Pussy: Thee will find out soon enough, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith.
Pussy: Nay, to thine charms I am immune.
Sir James: Alas, for thou art so kind and funny and beautiful.
Pussy: Thou art merely trying to get me into bed.
Sir James: Hey, thou art smart, too!

---------------------

Act 7, Scene 3. Another villain’s lair. Sir James hides beneath, listening.

He of the Gilded Finger: In faith hath the spirit of man great things achieved and events caused to be, yea even unto immense heights hath he ascended in all endeavours, yet not in the evil arts.
A Naughty Man: Enough have I heard- vast treasures thou dost owe me.
2nd Naughty Man: Vast treasures thou dost also owe to me.
He of the Gilded Finger: To all I do owe vast treasures, and mine coffers shall be open to thee upon the morrow.
3rd Naughty Man: Though the morrow be the Sabbath and all coffers shall be shuttered?
He of the Gilded Finger: Mine coffers open shall be.
Pussy: Thou hast enough heard, Sir James.
Sir James: Some fast falls together we must have.

-------------------

Act 7, Scene 4. Outside a villain's lair.

He of the Gilded Finger: Great riches shall I impart to thee, Pussy.
Pussy: With these I shall mine island purchase, where none shall trespass.
He of the Gilded Finger: But I have the body of a Greek god!
Pussy: Surely Buddha was not Greek?
(Enter Sir James.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Greetings, Sir James, sup with me this drink from ye colonies- 'tis called "tea".
Sir James: (Sips.) Mm, 'tis not bad.
He of the Gilded Finger: And 'tis non-alcoholic.
(Sir James spits his next mouthful on ye ground.)
Sir James: Phu Yuck, 'tis mud!
He of the Gilded Finger: Hmm, perhaps thou should have this mint julep.
Sir James: Thine vile scheme cannot prevail, He of the Gilded Finger. (Sips.) Good mint julep, though.
He of the Gilded Finger: Most well-informed thou art, Sir James, though mine scheme shall yet succeed. The great coffers of those across the sea art situated below a volcano- I shall cause this to erupt, sending a golden shower of lava over all their gold, which will cause the value of my gold to increase many times. I shalt be the richest man in the world.
Sir James: Mine apologies I do proffer, He of the Gilded Finger, for brilliant ist thine scheme.
He of the Gilded Finger: Well, I am the man, the man with the Midas touch.
Pussy: Walk with me, Sir James, 'tis a most pleasant day.
Sir James: That I shalt, with great pleasure.
(They walk towards a barn.)
Sir James: Hmm, this doth look interesting- wouldst thou enter here with me?
Pussy: Nay, for strictly the outdoor type am I.
Sir James: Oh? What wouldst it take for thee to see things my way?
Pussy: Quite a few mint juleps, methinks.
(Sir James enters ye barn, followed by Pussy.)
Pussy: But here it is cold, Sir James.
Sir James: Then come with me into the corner, 'tis always 90 degrees in a corner.
Pussy: Thou didst ask for this!
(Pussy doth throw Sir James over her shoulder into ye hay.)
Sir James: Most impressive. Here, help me up.
(Sir James pulls Pussy down beside him. They kiss.)

---------------------

Act 7, Scene 5. Another field.

Lord Felix: Hast thou word of Sir James?
Man: Aye, he ist in yonder barn with a galore of pussy.
Lord Felix: Verily, then he is safe and well and happy.
Man: Then depart we should, Lord Felix?
Lord Felix: Aye, let us drive off. Watch out for yonder man with green shoes! (Thump.) Ah, well, never mind.

--------------------

Act 9, Scene 2. A coffer of great riches, lit by torches.

Sir James: Art thou not tempted by all this gold, He of the Gilded Finger?
He of the Gilded Finger: Most surely not- but then, I am a compulsive liar.
Sir James: Hmm, not sure whether to believe you on that one...
He Of the Gilded Finger: Alack, removing ye gold does not fit my plan.
Sir James: And what now?
He of the Gilded Finger: I shalt now arrange for ye volcano above us to erupt, leaving you here to share the fate of the gold in being covered with lava. In this instance thou art exactly where I doth desire, Sir James.
Sir James: Till thine manservant a fuse doth blow.
He of the Gilded Finger: Goodbye, Sir Ja-
(From outside ist heard the sound of fighting. Quickly, He of the Gilded Finger runs out of the massive door and locks it behind him.)
Kirsch: What? This cannot be!
(He runs to ye door and struggles to open it, but Oddjob slays him with a single blow then turns to smile at Sir James.)
Sir James: Do not be a fool, Oddjob- we shalt die here unless yon door can be opened!
(Oddjob only smiles. Sir James picks up a piece of wood and smashes him across his face, to no avail, then Oddjob casually throws Sir James against a pile of gold. Sir James grabs one of the gold ingots and throws it, but it merely bounces off Oddjob’s chest. Oddjob picks up a handful of conveniently placed cream, custard, fruit, jelly and some sponge fingers then throws them at Naught Naught Seven, who ducks out of their way.)
Sir James: Do not trifle with me!
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob would like to point out that resistance ist futile. He personally has nothing against you, but the terms of his contract, to which he is committed, entail that thou dost not stand in ye way of the plan of he of the Gilded Finger.
(Desperately Sir James grabs a bucket and throws ye contents over Oddjob- it turns out to be tar, and only makes him angry enough to grasp his deadly hat and throw it. Sir James manages to dive out of the way, landing on a handy pillow. He picks up Oddjob’s hat and throws it back, but Oddjob merely moves his head and ye hat wedges itself next to one of the flaming torches that light the coffer. Running out of options, Sir James throws the pillow but it bursts, leaving Oddjob covered with feathers sticking to the tar as he reaches for his hat.)
Sir James: Turn and fight, you chicken!
Oddjob: Ah-har!
Oddjob's PA: Mr Oddjob assures you that this ist what he most surely intends to do once he hast retrieved his hat.
(Oddjob grasps his hat, but ye flames from the torch set fire to the tar and feathers covering him, and he expires in a flash just as Lord Felix and his men break down the door and run in.)
Lord Felix: Santiago! Sir James, art thou all right? And what happened to thine butler friend?
Sir James: Oh, some people in one’s road really burn you up these days. I prithee, where ist He of the Gilded Finger? Hast thou caught him?
Lord Felix: Alack, he did fly off in a winged chariot driven by a most comely wench.
Sir James: Pussy!
Lord Felix: Later, Sir James, we have more important things to worry about right now.
Sir James: Nay, she ist ye driver of the chariot- apace, Lord Felix, we must stop him before he causes ye volcano to erupt!

(They run quickly out of ye coffer and gaze up the slopes of ye volcano.)
Sir James: Look there, up in the sky.
Lord Felix: Is it a bird? Is it a pigeon? (Does double-take.)
Sir James: Nay, Lord Felix, ‘tis He of the Gilded Finger about to cause a massive eruption.
Lord Felix: I usually find it helpful to think of baseball when that ist about to happen...
Sir James: If only it would rain, a huge rainstorm would snuff out ye volcano.
Lord Felix: Sir James, in thine homeland do they know a raindance?
Sir James: Alack, in mine homeland we have ye exact opposite problem- some do a dance to stop the rain.
Lord Felix: Could thee do this dance backwards? It may cause the rain to fall!
Sir James: Dance backwards...?
(Sir James cautiously begins a few dance steps. Lord Felix watches intently, then joins in copying the moves. Together the two dance furiously.)
Lord Felix: Lo, Sir James, look up! 'Tis a cloud!
(As they dance more and more clouds appear in ye sky. Smoke begins to seep from ye volcano, then a few flames appear, gradually going stronger. The clouds thicken and darken.)
Sir James: Keep dancing, Felix, keep dancing!
(Lord Felix calls to his men.)
Lord Felix: Everybody, join in! You there, the three brothers- you should be dancing, yeah! 'Twill cause a chain reaction and prevent a tragedy.
(Three men in white suits begin to dance.)
Lord Felix: And you there- ye constable, ye Native American soldier, ye construction worker, ye cowboy, ye sailor...
(They sing “It’s fun to work for ye American C.I.A.”. As more and more join the dance, ye clouds begin a steady downpour of rain which grows heavier and heavier. The volcano ist snuffed out.)
Sir James: Look at me,  Felix, this move ist a bit urban, so the young junior wizard hath told me.
(Sir James doth spin on his head and crawl like a caterpillar.)
Lord Felix: Impressive! But this be’eth all the rage in Washington- The Robot!
(Lord Felix doth start to move like a mechanical man.)
Sir James: Excellent!
(Sir James grabs Lord Felix by ye hand and the two dance ever more fervently together.)
Lord Felix: (Gasping for air.) ...er... Sir James, methinks we could stop dancing now. James? I said stop! Sir James!!! You've entered the danger zone where the dancer becomes the dance!
Sir James: Oh, er, sorry. Got a bit carried away, but thee hast to understand: I enjoy my dancing.
Lord Felix: I must say James, I was impressed with your Bailatino!
Sir James: Thank’ee, ‘tis these damn tights again, Sir Tom Ford always cuts then too tight.
Lord Felix: 'Tis over, we have won.
Sir James : Aye, but He of the Gilded Finger did escape.

----------------------

Act 10, Scene 4. A port where a ship awaits.

Lord Felix: Our honoured leader ist looking forward to thanking ye personally, Sir James.
Sir James: And I to meeting him and shaking his hand.
Lord Felix: Er, be careful when thou do that, do not comment on his hands. Strong beverages for three await thee on board.
Sir James: Only three?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis only a short journey.

(Sir James boards ye ship.)
Sir James: Steward, I prithee, where ist mine cabin?
Steward: Down here, sir.
(Sir James goes below and into a cabin, to find He of the Gilded Finger awaiting him armed with an axe.)
He of the Gilded Finger: Surprised to see me thou art, Sir James?
Sir James: Art thee going to meet ye President too?
He of the Gilded Finger: Headed for Cuba am I- Pussy ist now in charge of this vessel, and thou hast interfered with mine plans for ye last time!
(He lunges for Sir James with ye axe, but Naught Naught Seven ducks and the axe strikes the bulkhead. Water starts gushing in, and He of the Gilded Finger ist swept away into ye sea. Sir James rushes up on deck heading for ye ship’s wheel where he finds Pussy struggling to keep ye ship on an even keel.)
Pussy: Help me, Sir James!
Sir James: But of course- come with me!
(Sir James leads the way to a small yellow canoe, thrusting Pussy inside (inside ye canoe  oh ye of filthy minds) then shoving it into the water. They float away, watching ye great ship sink.)

Pussy: But how art we going to be rescued, Sir James?
Sir James: No time for rescue this is!
(His mouth comes ruthlessly down on hers.)

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond Shalt Return)

Barbel, Thunderpussy, Dirty Punker, Number24, Charmed & Dangerous

THOU TWICE SHALT LIVE

Act 1, Scene 2. A boudoir. Sir James ist entertaining an eastern maiden.

Sir James: I wonder why from other maidens doth maidens of the east smack of change...?
Deceitful Maiden: Verily, of greater savour art we?
Sir James: Nay, sweet maid, though different as the duck differs from the fish.
Deceitful Maiden: Sweet Sir James, to thee shall be given the most excellent duck.
Sir James: 'Twill be most delightful, I am sure.
(Two varlets doth enter and apparently slay Sir James.)

---------------------

Intermission. Maidens bow. A famed man’s daughter sings.

--------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. The cabin of Sir Miles.

Sir Miles:   Those who have no love for thee
               Think thee lie under the sea
               Thine deeds shall henceforth flow more free
               For ye big one this job shall be.
Sir James:  Forsooth I shalt follow thine plan
               Though one matter must I understand
               Mine mission doth lie in Japan
               A craft I seek, where did it land?
Sir Miles: For thee, that is thine charge. Now, to Tokyo thou must go, and there seek contact with our man Lord Henderson. Maid Moneypenny, impart to Naught Naught Seven ye secret code of recognition.
Moneypenny: Sir James, I do love thee. By your favour, tell this back to me.
Sir James: Concern ye not, it is understood.
Moneypenny: And ye should study this scroll, on ye eastern way of speaking.
Sir James: 'Tis no problem, many foreign tongues have I studied...

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. A carriage.

Lady Aki: I do love thee, Sir James, and I know'est of a boarding house which lies but nigh.
Sir James: Marry, most pleased am I to hear this. And there?
Lady Aki: Thine boon companion Lord Henderson awaits thee.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Oh, yes. Of  course. Take heed, watch out for yon man with green trainers. (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Lady Aki: Ist he all right?
Sir James: We may never care... er, know.

(A boarding house.)
Lord Henderson: I bid thee welcome, Sir James.
Sir James: Thine pardon I crave.
(Sir James strikes Lord Henderson upon his leg. There ist a clanging sound.)

Lord Henderson: Most grateful I am that thou were correct- 'tis just the leg to the left, not the leg to the right. Put your hands on your hips...  er, pray take this mead, 'tis stirred and not shaken.
Sir James: Perfect, methinks.
Lord Henderson: I get mine vodka from ye doorman at the Consulate of ye Tsars- among other things...
(Secretly Sir James pours the drink out into a plant pot.)
Lord Henderson: Thou has never been to Japan before?
Sir James: Once with Sir Miles, but he has sworn me to secrecy- all I can say is it involved Karaoke, a potters wheel, a Liverpool tunic, some Geisha girls and about three pounds of potato salad.

Lord Henderson: Interesting. I hath lived here almost all my life. Oh you couldn't just witness this, it be’eth my last will and testament, doesn't do to put these things off. You never know...  And I'm just cancelling my Parchment of the Week club and Asian Maiden of the Month subscriptions.
Sir James: Aye, most surely. (Sir James doth sign the document.)  What know’eth ye of this business?
Lord Henderson: It involves a great trader...
Sir James: Eh?
Lord Henderson: Sorry Sir James it be’eth not multiple choice. Of a great trader named Osato I carry much suspicion. Thou must meet with him, and I know’eth ye Tiger Prince, he's the head of the local Secret Samurai clan. He will set up a meeting.  But first I'd like to....
Sir James: Yes, go on.
Lord Henderson: .......................................
Sir James: Please don't stand on ceremony.
Lord Henderson: .....................................
Sir James: (He doth move across to Lord Henderson, to see a dagger in his back.) ..... They do have some strange customs in Japan.
(Sir James gives chase and kills ye assassin. Searching, he finds a parchment on him.)
Sir James: What be’eth this...?  Hmm, an employee parchment card for Osato Apothecary Potions.

  Name: Stin Ki Pu
  Occupation: Assassin and General Underling
  Special Interests: Cooking Sushi, growing giant Bonsai trees and maypole dancing.

  .... Um! Plus some other interesting items.
(A small sports carriage arrives and Lady Aki gestures for Sir James to join her.)
Lady Aki: We must make haste, Sir James.
Sir James: (Getting in.) And thou must tell me where we are going.
Lady Aki: Ye will find out soon enough.
Sir James: Nay, tell me now for Lord Henderson hast been slain.
(Aki stops ye carriage and leaps out into an alley. Sir James follows but falls down a concealed trapdoor, down a long chute and ist deposited into a comfy chair. A man stands laughing.)
Man: ‘Twas remarkably easy to bring thee to me, Sir James, for thou art only too keen to get into a carriage with a pretty girl. I am ye Tiger Prince.
Sir James: Oh? How dost thou feel about me, then?
Tiger Prince: Why, I do love thee.
Sir James: Of course thou does, everyone doth love me! (Aside.) And I be'eth glad you're not holding a carpet beater.
Tiger Prince: ‘Tis true, and most especially Maid Moneypenny from what I have been told.
Sir James: Nay, we be but friends.
Tiger Prince: ...with benefits, mayhap...? Still, no matter.
Sir James: Lord Henderson hast been slain, and from his assassin I didst take this scroll.
Tiger Prince: (Reading.) Tokyo Funhouse, hot and cold running Geishas...?
Sir James: Sorry, wrong scroll- this one.
Tiger Prince: It doth speak of a ship called ye Kung Po, docked at ye port of Teriyaki in the Sushi province. This ship ist owned by a man called Osato.
Sir James: Ah, Lord Henderson did speak of this man.
Tiger Prince: Then I shalt arrange for ye to call on him tomorrow.

Tiger Prince: Sir James, pray partake of a flask of rice wine.
(Sir James doth feel the flasks of sake.....)
Sir James: This be’eth too hot, this one too cold, but this one is just right.
Tiger Prince: Verily, thy cultivation ist most exceptional.
Sir James: Aye, I even get out of the bath to use ye privy.
Tiger Prince: Dost thou know of our military history also?
Sir James: I hast only read a Samurai, er, summary.
Tiger Prince: Then thou must be educated in our customs. Here, men do always come first.
Sir James: No doubt an Apothecary could supply an ointment to help with that. Or thou couldst think about cricket.
Tiger Prince: Nay, here women live to serve men.
Sir James: In this matter I have great interest, Tiger Prince.
(A succession of comely young wenches enter and stand behind some plinths with lights.)
Tiger Prince: And which of my concubines doth thee find most in favour? No likey, no lighty.
(Sir James runs across turning off the lights on the plinths until only one remains ...)
Sir James: For this sweet maid here I shalt settle.
Tiger Prince: Aye, she ist most sexiful indeed.

-----------------------

Act 3, Scene 4. A place of business. Sir James ist greeted by Osato and his aide, Helga.

Osato: Greetings be upon thee, and pray welcome mine depute Helga.
Helga: Greetings, wouldst thee like a glass of champagne?
Sir James: Later, perhaps.
Helga: A flute of wine?
Sir James: Later, perhaps.
Helga: A stein of brandy?
Sir James: As I said, later!
Helga: A Highball?
Sir James: Oh all right, I'll have some mead- let it shaken be and not stirred.
Helga: Sorry, we don't have any of that.
Osato: I always enjoy a quick one in the morning.
Sir James: As do I... but I usually don't start drinking 'till the afternoon.
Osato: As thou wishes.
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Yeoman Fisher, and I seek joint enterprise with thee.
(Sir James lights up.)
Osato: Thou should stop smoking, 'tis very bad for thine chest.
Sir James: I have given up smoking many times.
Osato: I bid thee welcome into my bosom.
Helga: In a strong bosom doth Osato-san carry great faith.
Sir James: ...verily...
Osato: So, I prithee, what of thine predecessor Yeoman Williamson?
Sir James: Williamson? .... Oh, he died in our quill making factory. Fell into a pen of swans- you know how a swan can break a man's arm.
Osato: Indeed!
Sir James: Well, our swans are specially bred for aggression so they did peck at him, again and again.
Osato: To die that way is horrible!
Sir James: Aye, surrounded by peckers.  Everywhere you'd look, there'd be another large pecker in your face.
Helga: How... awful.
Osato: Well, most pleased I am to meet thee Yeoman Falsename, er, Fisher, and I trust we shall do business together.
Sir James: I thank'ee.
(Sir James exits.)
Osat: Helga- slay him!
Helga: Let us make it official (Produces some parchments.). For assassination thou must initial, here and here.... sign here and you do have a two minute cooling off period if you wish to rescind your request........ also, would you sign this birthday card for Dum Fuk in ye printing department?
Osato: Ruddy official Spectre red tape! If The Syndicate made me an offer, I'd be off!

-----------------------

Act 3, Scene 5. Outside Osato's building.

(As Sir James leaves, he ist attacked by varlets but Aki drives up in her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Apace, Sir James, get in!
Sir James: Hmm, have we not done this before?
(They drive off in their small white carriage, hotly pursued by ye varlets in a large black one.)
Sir James: I do hope that thine carriage hast been altered by an Old Wizard, and hast many tricks to foil our pursuers- mayhap, arrows firing from ye rear?
Lady Aki: Better than that- look above!
(Sir James looks up to see a large dragon bearing down upon their pursuers. It picks up ye black carriage behind, though the reins snap leaving its horses safely upon ye road, and flies off. Ye horseman vainly continues to hold the reins as if steering as ye dragon flies over a bay and drops the carriage into the water.)
Sir James: Here be Dragons! I am very impressed with thine efficiency.
Lady Aki: We call him Sean-san, because of the tuft of hair on his head.... and because he doth slur his roar.
Sir James: Shlur hish roar?
Lady Aki: Exactly. Just don't be under him when... er... the droppings start!
Sir James: T'would be deep shi...
(Lady Aki interrupts Sir James as an arrow with a message attached strikes her carriage.)
Lady Aki: Ye Tiger Prince hast decreed that we should head straight for ye docks at Teriyaki for a closer look at ye ship Kung Po.
Sir James: Then let it be so. But watch out for yon man with green- (Thump.) ....never mind.
Lady Aki: Too late- but, what of yon man there with ye umbrella?

Sir James: For God's sake, do not run HIM down!!!

----------------------

Act 3, Scene 6. Ye docks.

Sir James: There ist ye ship- now, let us get closer...
Lady Aki: Take heed, Sir James, we art being watched.
Thug: Would thee like to help our charity for henchmen who hath fallen on hard times?
Sir James: I did give at the office.
Thug: A payment of a few groats a month could feed an ex-assassin or provide training for injured villains in wicker or papier-mâché crafts.
(A gang of charity workers approach menacingly.)
Sir James: Off with ye, Lady Aki, make haste back to ye Tiger Prince- I shalt deal with these ruffians.
(Aki exits. Sir James runs up to a rooftop but ist followed by ye charity workers, who capture him and render him unconscious.)

---------------------------

Act 3, Scene 7.Another boudoir. Sir James ist still knocked out, and tied to a chair.

Sir James: ....ow, mine head doth hurt... be more careful, Felix, next time we...(Awakes to see Helga before him.) ... Oh, hello.
Helga: Here I have thee bound, Yeoman Fisher.
Sir James: Then much enjoyment I therefore wish unto thee.
Helga: Pursuit of business be not thine intent. I require to know why thou were found wandering around our docks.
Sir James: I like boats, and I used to be a sailor.
Helga: Hmm- wert thou ordinary or able-bodied?
Sir James: Judge for thineself!  I'm listed in the Certificate of Continuous Discharge.
Helga: Doth thee know what I hold in my hand?
Sir James: It be’eth a wine glass obviously.
Helga: In my OTHER hand!
Sir James: It appears to be a piece of parchment, very sharp.
Helga: Aye, thee hast guessed well. I'll give you a closer look...
Sir James: No need, fair maid I can see well enough.
Helga: ... cuts as close as a razor! And you do like close shaves.
Sir James: Actually, I'm growing a beard. Something hipster.
Helga: They do say the paper cut is the worst pain a man can endure.
Sir James: I don't know about that, I've been to a Sir Barry Manilow concert.... Although, perhaps I must speak the truth. I hath been promised lands and several Essex Virgins if I can acquire some of Osato's Apothecary secrets..... I'll share the rewards with thee, if thee please release me, let me go.
Helga: Are these lands worth much monies and hard to find?
Sir James: Aye, the land is worth much as it comes with many titles- and you wouldn't believe how hard it is to find an Essex virgin.
(Helga cuts through Sir James's Bonds.)
Helga: Kiss me forthwith.
Sir James: For England such matters I must do.
(They embrace.)

(A discreet interval later, Helga leads Sir James outside.)
Sir James: And what have we here?
Helga: ‘Tis a hot-air balloon, to take us safely away. In thou go’est.
Sir James: Thou willst need protection, day and night. I recommend our best man.
Helga: And who might that be?
Sir James: Let me see... there’s Alec, but he can be a bit two-faced. Also Bill, though I think he ist busy navel-gazing in Beirut. So that leaves... me!
Helga: I think it not, Yeoman Fisher!
(Helga lets go of the mooring rope, sending Sir James up in the balloon.)
Helga: The wind will carry you off to sea.
Sir James: To see what?
Helga: Your journey to the promised land!
Sir James: What?  Chelsea?
(The balloon rises, and moves away...)
Sir James: (Up in ye sky.) If only ye Old Wizard were here, he knows about hot air. But mayhap this will suffice...
(Sir James begins to unwind pieces of wicker from the balloon basket.  After several minutes he ist ready.)
Sir James: Crude? Yes. Functional? Aye, but it should work!
Helga: (From below.) Now Sir James, it will be such sweet sorrow, as my cannon blows you out of the sky!
(Sir James stabs the balloon with his dagger. It begins to descend..... Sir James jumps just as Helga's cannonball destroys ye basket, sending it falling with a splash.)
Sir James: I hope ye Old Wizard would'st be proud...
(Sir James uses the wave from the crashed balloon basket to surf into shore on his improvised wicker surfboard.)
Sir James: (Singing.)  I wish they all could be Caledonia Girls.... #

------------------------

Act 4, Scene 1. A castle. Inland, since in Japan castles are not built by ye sea. Sir James walks with Aki and ye Tiger Prince through ye grounds.

Aki: Thou wert very lucky, Sir James.
Tiger Prince: I did warn thee not to get into a carriage with a pretty girl, though I must admit I did not think thou would get into a balloon.
Sir James: Well, when she said that she would'st elevate me, I thought she had something else in mind.
Aki: I am sure Sir James would not touch such a girl!
Sir James: But of course not- heaven forbid!
Tiger Prince: Now, Sir James, a visitor from Albion is here for thee.
(Enter Ye Old Wizard.)
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven: behold thine circumscribed winged chariot!
Sir James: It's Jewish? .... Nice short britches, by the way.
Old Wizard: 'Tis cutting edge Albion Technology.
Tiger Prince: 'Tis naught but a toy.
Old Wizard: Nay, 'tis no toy- with this thou shalt fly to yonder fiery mountain whilst I shalt take some exercise.
Sir James: Exercise? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my walk, Naught Naught Seven.
(Sir James climbs carefully into ye tiny winged chariot.)
Tiger Prince: Good luck, Sir James.
Lady Aki: Be careful!
(Sir James flies over a volcano, seeking any clues. Ye shadow of his tiny craft is joined by ye shadows of six menacing birds of prey. Sir James looks over his shoulder to see the birds are carrying tiny Bonsai bowmen.)
Sir James: Bonsai riders! I need to branch off.
(Sir James deftly turns ye tiny craft left and right, but the Bonsai men follow his every move. Arrows whistle past Sir James, narrowly missing him. With a lurch, Sir James pulls on his joystick to make ye tiny winged chariot climb in a steep curve, while the Bonsai riders continue beneath. Sir James pulls on a lever in his chariot, and tiny bags of weed killer drop from beneath.)
Sir James: That should root them out.
(The bags hit three of ye Bonsai riders, who immediately wither and fall to the ground.)
Sir James: I need to leaf, with haste.
(Two of ye remaining Bonsai riders bank and swerve towards Sir James's chariot, releasing quivers full of arrows, one of which embeds into Sir James's chariot. Fuel begins to stream from the craft, and Sir James grimly realises he has only moments left. He pulls another tiny lever, and a tiny package wrapped with silver foil drops from beneath one side of his craft. One of ye birds deftly cranes its neck forward and swallows the package. Moments later, it turns green and crashes to the side of the volcano.)
Sir James: Hmm, Albion Airways in-flight catering, what a nasty way to go.
(The remaining archer lights ye tip of his biggest arrow, and fires it straight at Sir James. With a last-ditch attempt, Sir James pulls ye final lever and a lump of strangely yellow-coloured ice flies from his chariot. The remaining archer's arrow pierces the ice, which melts, sizzling, atop the archer's head. With a scream, he turns yellow, withers and crashes to the ground.)
Sir James: Privy, I think that snowball flushed him out a wee bit. Must have been the sake.
(Steering ye failing chariot, he coasts it towards the side of the volcano, where it lands.)
Sir James: So much for Japanese miniaturisation.

-----------------------

Act 5, Scene 2. A villain’s lair.

Comte de Blofeld: I am the Comte de Blofeld, or soon will be. Wherefore doth Sir James Bond live still?
Osato: Orders did I give that he should be slaughtered without mercy. In this mission did Helga lack of success.
Comte de Blofeld: Did thee fill out the necessary parchments?
Osato: Aye, Comte de Blofeld, and initialled!
Comte de Blofeld: I shalt deal with thee later- now, I have important visitors to attend to.
1st Eastern Lord: For our collective schemes I do have concern, much treasure have we given unto thee yet our travails have yielded naught.
Comte de Blofeld: I have decided more treasure must thee give unto me.
2nd Eastern Lord: Most vile extortion this doth be.
Comte de Blofeld: Such is mine pursuit, Eastern Lords. I beg thee for thine patience whilst I do feed mine fish with the wastrel Helga.
(Ye Eastern Lords look on curiously.)
Comte de Blofeld: Hans, bring Helga close to mine fish pond, so she may see fishies.
Helga: That be'eth disgusting, Comte de Blofeld!
Comte de Blofeld: I said FISHIES! See how beautiful they look.
(As Helga leans over, Hans bumps her thigh with his knee sending her falling in...)
Comte de Blofeld: Look how, Hans Knees Bumps the Lady!
(Helga ist fed to ye fish.)
Helga: Osato! Nay!!! (Dies.)
Comte de Blofeld: She's had her chips.... Osato, kill Sir James now!
Osato: Aye, Comte!!!
Comte de Blofeld: Verily, Eastern Lords, hath thee thought over mine offer?
1st Eastern Lord: (Quickly) You want it delivered to the usual place?

-----------------------

Act 4, Scene 4. Ye castle of ye Tiger Prince.

Sir James: Now, Tiger Prince, we shalt need a company of men- large, muscular:  do you know such men ?
Tiger Prince: What make’eth you think I know of such men? Do not believe all the rumours thou hears!
Sir James: Nay, a company of great warriors to help in our attack- do you have such men here?
Tiger Prince: We have much, much better Sir James. Look here!
(They turn a corner to see young men in white fighting and exercising furiously.)
Tiger Prince: These men are trained from birth in ye arts of stealth and war. Their pay is not much, though they receive benefits both from ye government and their local lord. All art under twenty years of age and hope to be employed opening doors, throwing bowler hats, and so on.
Sir James: So, they are Teenage Two-Grant Ninja Butlers...?
Tiger Prince: As I said, their pay ist not much and they spend their spare time earning extra cash working on weddings and funerals- they art not very clever.
Sir James: So, they are also Low-Waged Hugh Grant Ninja Numbskulls?
Tiger Prince: I first thought of training them, when I was lost at sea on a little boat with a small Indian boy.
(They walk past many training and fighting areas ....)
Tiger Prince: Take these, Sir James.
Sir James: And what might these be?
Tiger Prince: 'Tis an extract from sheep, which have been on a strict diet till very old. They are fed only damaged parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme. 'Twill give thee strength in battle.
Sir James: So, these are Lean Aged Mouton Injured Herb Pills...
Tiger Prince: Just off ye volcano ist an island, where ye Ama girls dive for pearls. My men will hide here, and thee will be disguised as a fisherman complete with wife.
Lady Aki: Excellent! I shalt start planning ye wedding immediately- ye bridesmaids, ye music, fourteen swans... I have had a book full of ideas since I was a little boy.... My codpiece will look sensational, and the talk of the town.... this time for all the right reasons!
Tiger Prince: I regret ‘tis not to be- Sir James must marry an Ama girl with a face like a pig.
Sir James: A truly beautiful and sexy pig?
Tiger Prince: Nay!
Sir James: (Doubtful and a little afraid.) Art thee sure about this, Tiger Prince?
Lady Aki: Aye, mine plan ist much better- mine friends shalt have me ride in a great carriage, we shalt have male strippers and...
Tiger Prince: Nay! These are not a bunch of student nurses knocking back yon Snakebite- this ist duty!
Sir James: ... duty...
Lady Aki: Aye... duty....

---------------------

Act 4, Scene 5. Another boudoir.

Lady Aki: Sir James, if thou art to be married tomorrow...
Sir James: Aye, to an Ama with a face like a pig! 
Lady Aki: ...then this will be our last night together. We shouldst make the most of it.
Sir James: I like your thinking, Lady Aki.
Lady Aki: I hath looked up all the traditions from Albion- first we have the drinking of the mead. Then ye singing of the bawdy songs and jokes, the visit to ye lap dancing, the "Getting a Kebab" and being violently sick on the foot path. But first ye must lie back, Sir James!
Sir James: That's the part I like...
Lady Aki: I must apply the most honourable Fake Tan.... all over your body.
Sir James: Why not just tan the parts that show?
Lady Aki: I enjoy applying it on the bits that don't show.
Sir James: Come here milady, let me show you something....
(They embrace. A discreet interval later, both lie sleeping while above an assassin lies waiting. Eating some peanuts.....)
Sir James: (Murmurs.) No Felix, I'm sure it won't fit.....
(Ye assassin accidentally drops a peanut into Lady Aki's mouth...)
Lady Aki: Uh? (Slurring.) Oh, Sir James, I'm swelling ...
Sir James: I can feel a swelling too....
Lady Aki: No, I can't tawlk proper.
Sir James: Nonsense, perhaps not the Queens's English but it's very good.
Lady Aki: Shir Jamesh, you shee I am allergic to peanutsh...
Sir James: Oh, very funny, everyone tries to take the pi- oh, I see!
(Sir James spies ye assassin and doth throw his dagger to dispatch the villain.)
Sir James: Lady Aki?
(Lady Aki can say nothing, merely pointing helplessly to her swollen lips as ye Tiger Prince enters.)
Tiger Prince: What hath occurred, Sir James?
Sir James: Lady Aki hath had something disgusting placed into her mouth!
Tiger Prince: Well, what Lady Aki chooses to place in her mouth is her own private business...
Sir James: Nay, ‘tis this peanut!!
Tiger Prince: Much sorrow does fill my heart- she will become bloated and will have to leave for treatment, she will not be seen by us again in this play.
Sir James: If it has to be, but we must move quickly.
Lady Aki ist quietly taken off.

----------------------

Act 4, Scene 6. A place of worship.

Sir James: And how will we go about this arranged wedding, Tiger Prince?
Tiger Prince: We shalt do it in ye traditional manner, sit here.
(Ye Tiger Prince and Sir James sit in front of a stage and watch as a man introduces a series of maidens.)
Host: Our first contestant ist ye lovely Miss Kobe, wearing a stylish outfit made from beer soaked cowskin. How are you, Miss Kobe?
Miss Kobe: I would like to see world peace and everyone being kind to dolphins.
(Ye Tiger Prince looks enquiringly at Sir James, who shakes his head.)
Host: Thank you, wouldn't we all?  (A long hook unceremoniously drags Miss Kobe off ye stage.) Next ist ye beautiful Miss Tokyo, how are you today?
Miss Tokyo: All ye world should be brothers, or foster brothers at least.
(Sir James shakes his head violently.)
Sir James: Foster brothers, stupidest idea I have ever heard.
(A trapdoor opens and Miss Tokyo falls through.)
Host: And now, the moment ye have all been waiting for, 'tis the glamorous, delightful Miss Ama! (Enter Lady Kissy in a white bikini.) And wouldst thou like world peace, Miss Ama?
Lady Kissy: Nay, all I want ist to dive for pearls wearing this outfit.
(Ye Tiger Prince looks at Sir James, who ist having difficulty keeping his eyes in his head and his tongue in his mouth.)
Tiger Prince: ...and I believe we have a winner.

----------------------

Act 6, Scene 2. Still another boudoir.

Sir James: So, this ist where we spend our wedding night, then.
Lady Kissy: And in this bed here shalt ye sleep.
Sir James: Though in marriage we have jointly vowed?
Lady Kissy: Thou must reconsider, Sir James, for to ye holy man thou has borne false witness.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Then these oysters I shall not need.
Lady Kissy: That is shellfish.
Sir James: Everyone'sh at it now.
(Enter ye Tiger Prince.)
Tiger Prince: Thou must make haste, Sir James, for those across the sea will make launch of their vessel most exceeding soon.
Sir James: But of course.

------------------------

Act 6, Scene 3. A fishing boat.

Lady Kissy: Hold ye boat steady, Sir James, whilst I go down...
Sir James: What, here? You little minx, I.....
Lady Kissy: .....while I dive below. Silly Sir James.
(She leaps into ye water, and surfaces a few moments later clutching an oyster and a piece of string.)
Sir James: Last time I tried that I pulled a mussel. (Aside.) Why the string, milady?
Lady Kissy: I didst hear you speak to ye Tiger Prince that thee wished to give me a pearl necklace!
Sir James: (Blushing ) Ah... yes... let us sneak away from the others towards that volcano yonder.
Lady Kissy: Most certainly.
(They arrive at ye foot of a volcano. Sir James secures the boat.)
Lady Kissy: Is the boat tied securely?
Sir James: Roger, Moored!
(They proceed up the hillside.)
Sir James: Keep going, milady.
Lady Kissy: How far do you want to go?
Sir James: All the way, of course. 
Lady Kissy: Perhaps with this adventure, some might say you go'eth over the top.
Sir James: Aye, I hath oft been accused of that!
(They continue climbing, until confronted by a high wall.)
Lady Kissy: This be a Great Wall.
Sir James: Not so great, so long yet not one automated coinage merchant to be seen.
Lady Kissy: Look upon that pointing of the brickwork! So precise.
Sir James: Hast thou heard of this, Lady Kissy?
Lady Kissy: There was talk of some foreigners building something... men with great wagons full of bricks... guards keeping people away... so, no, I have heard nothing.
Sir James: Hmmm...
Lady Kissy: Look, Sir James, a gate in ye wall. It has a sign in a language I know not.
Sir James: 'Tis in German, and it says “Keep Out Of Ye Garden Under Pain Of Death. Signed Dr. G. Shatterhand”. Now, why would one have a warning sign in German outside of a garden in Japan? 'Tis almost as if they wanted people to come in.
Lady Kissy: Mayhap we should turn back, methinks.
Sir James: Nay, let us go round ye outer wall and keep climbing.
(As they circle ye wall, Sir James peeks in through a small hole to see a formally dressed man say a prayer then walk into a boiling hot geyser to his death.)
Sir James: Hmmm...
Lady Kissy: What is it? What dost thee see?
Sir James: (Not wanting to worry the lady.) Oh, ‘tis nothing...
(They reach the top of ye volcano and look down.)
Sir James: Ye lake at the bottom- ‘tis naught but a painting! This must be ye place. Lady Kissy, I prithee, take a message to ye Tiger Prince. Tell him, I'm at the Ash Rim, about to go down. Send more men as there'll be plenty of action. Have you got that?
Lady Kissy: Aye: Ash Rim, about to go down, send more men as there'll be plenty of action. I shall pass it on to Lady Caress, who will then pass it on, ‘twill be much quicker- but do be careful, Sir James!
Sir James: Worry ye not, I am as sure-footed as a mountain goat.
(Lady Kissy exits down ye volcano. Sir James looks further in, trips, and tumbles to ye bottom where he ist captured by several armed men.)
Sir James: Whoops....

(Later in ye Chamber of ye Tiger Prince, a young maiden arrives to impart her message.)
Tiger Prince: Impart unto me thine message....
Tiger Prince's Yeoman: Quickly, fair maiden!
Lady Snogg: Lady Caress says that Sir James is going down, ass rimming, needs more men for lots of action!
Tiger Prince: So Sir James hath found the volcano and ye lair of his prey- we leave at once, prepare our equipment and supplies!
Tiger Prince's Yeoman: But how didst thee understand that message, Prince?
Tiger Prince: 'Tis nothing, I've used these maidens before.

------------------------

Act 7, Scene 4. A villain’s lair. In a chamber full of scribes with abacus, parchments and quills. On a throne surrounded by his underlings in shadow sits the Comte de Blofeld.....)

Guard: Wait here, Albion spy.
Sir James: Dost I need an appointment?
Guard: Nay, today ist a visitor tour day. The Comte is almost finished.
Comte : ...and that be’eth about it. Please leave via the marked exit through ye gift shoppe. There be’eth some nice T-shirts and T-towels, and in fact tea, so please no more etchings. Farewell.
(Ye crowd doth exit, leaving Hans standing between Sir James and ye Comte.)
Comte: Hans, move thine posterior, I cannot see our guest!
(Hans moves over to where Osato stands.)
Osato: AHH!!! Hans, you great German oaf, you've stood on my foot! Get away!
(Hans takes a step backwards and stands on the Comte's cat.)

Pussy: "MEOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!"
Comte: HANS!!
Hans: Sorry, mein Comte. (Again stepping back, stepping on Osato again.)
Osato: Forsooth, how dare you sir, how very dare you! My bunion! (Pushing him off his foot.)
Sir James: Wouldst thee like me to call back another time?
Comte: Sir James Bond, thou doth live still.
Sir James: Aye, in mine second life I be.
Comte: Thou shalt live only twice, Sir James.
Sir James: Or so it seems- one life for thineself, and one for thine dreams.
Osato: A dream no more, soon a reality!
Comte: Osato, 'twould seem thine attempts have failed... again. All I ask is one little thing, “Kill Naught Naught Seven”. 'Tis a modest request is it not, Hans?
Hans: Aye, Comte.
Osato: (Mumbles.) Er...  well... with my bunion, I....
Comte: SILENCE!! Enough of foot related excuses.
(Ye Comte stands and moves forward to address Sir James.)
Comte: Allow myself to introduce...myself. I am the Comte de Blofeld.
Sir James: Of that I have much doubt.
Comte: When mine title ist recognised thou shalt understand.
Sir James: That will never happen.
Comte: Well, it may happen to another fellow. I bid thee, come witness my infernal scheme! Great weapons I have stolen both from ye land of the Tsars and from the colonies across the sea. They shall be fired upon each other and a war shalt be started.
Sir James: But for now, tobacco I doth crave.
Comte: This boon I shall grant, though thine death be soon upon thee. Hans here is the one to see about some rough shag, or perhaps you like it ready rubbed?  Either way dost not matter.
(Hans places Sir James's pipe and a small lighted candle beside him.)
Sir James: (Between puffs, on lighting his pipe.) So ye intend to create a war, for treasure?
Comte: More than you could possibly imagine.
Sir James: And nothing can stop that now, I take it?
Comte: Aye, the only possible danger is that suspiciously convenient lever to your right which opens sections of the great wall surrounding this lair, allowing lots of attacking yeomen an easy entry.
Sir James: Interesting...  (Suddenly his pipe begins to sparkle and hiss, at which he slides it across ye floor.)  .... Miniature cannon ball, you should get a blast out of it.
(Ye pipe explodes as Sir James operates ye lever, letting tens of ye Tiger Prince's men inside along with ye Prince and Lady Kissy. Much fighting ensues. Ye Comte's cat ist terrified.)
Comte: Hans, Osato, take Sir James with us (Aside.) to my secret, secret lair (Aloud.) through here.
(In a secret chamber ye Comte produces a short sword.)
Comte: This be’eth ye price for failure, Sir James.... (Ye Comte quickly dispatches Hans!)
Hans: (Bewildered.) Mein Comte???(Dies.)
Comte: I be’eth an animal lover- no one steps on my pussy and gets away with it.
Osato: Ye gads- verily, I did think that I wouldst be the one punished.
Comte: Yes, that reminds me- (Osato ist also stabbed.)
Osato: But why, my Comte? (Dies.)
Comte: I'm an equal opportunities villain: ‘twouldn't look good to the rest of ye men if I showed favouritism. Hmm, where did mine cat go to...?
Sir James: 'Twas here a moment ago.
Comte: And now you, Sir James, will feel the length of my shaft in you....
Sir James: (Raising an eyebrow.) Well, enjoy yourself.
Comte: NO! NO! No more sexual innuendos.  Goodbye, Sir James .
(Suddenly a dagger from the hand of ye Tiger Prince flies through the air, knocking ye sword from ye Comte's hand. He turns and runs away.)
Comte: (Exiting.)  ‘Tis time for a Great Escape!
(Enter ye Tiger Prince, accompanied by Lady Kissy and his men.)
Sir James: I thank ye, Tiger Prince, but I must follow him- ‘twill be bedlam....
(Sir James pursues ye Comte.)
Comte: Why doth this keep happening to me, I plan and scheme, offer great employment conditions but.... ‘tis true, bad things happen to good people. I must head to the Garden of Death to make my escape, just through this door...
Sir James: Not so fast, Comte!
(Sir James pushes him into ye garden, and they doth fight.)
Comte: Damn you, damn you, I've only just watered and seeded this lawn!
Sir James: I thought you'd wet your plants.
(Sir James reaches for some large fruit from an area marked as Helga's Garden to beat ye Comte about the head.)
Comte: No, not Helga's large melons!
Sir James: ...and to finish, why not give peas a chance.......
(Sir James doth pour hundreds of peas into ye Comte's throat, until he expires, then reaches for a rose to drop on the corpse.) ......... a prick by any other name.
Tiger Prince: He looks "Beet", Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, he shouldst be soon pushing up the daisies.
(They run off. Sir James finds Lady Kissy and they head for the shore.)
Sir James: To this boat thou must swim with me, Lady Kissy.
Lady Kissy: Oh, Sir James!
Sir James: Um! I may just retire here.
Lady Kissy: But they'd never let you. How wouldst Albion survive without you?
Sir James: True, but they wouldst never find us.
(They embrace. A shadow passes over ye little boat, as a large ship anchors above them, its flag displaying the insignia "Sir Miles's Passion Wagon: if a rocking.... we're probably in a storm". )
Sir Miles: Please welcome Naught Naught Seven aboard, fairest Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: Aye, Aye Sir. ‘Twould be a pleasure.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel    Thanks to Charmed & Dangerous for his help with Act 4, Scene 1

LONG LIVE THE GEMSTONES!

Act 1, Scene 1. A foreign place. Sir James has a word with a varlet.

Sir James: Wherefore is he that I seek?
(Sir James strikes ye varlet.)
Varlet: Thou must ask in Cai- Cai- Cairo!
(Another foreign place. A man plays cards at a gaming table.)
Man: Hit me.
(Sir James obliges.)
Sir James: Wherefore is he that I seek? Less politely shall I ask forthwith.
Man: Marie! Thou must ask Madame Marie!
(A beach. A barely dressed maiden lies in the sun.)
Madame Marie: Greetings, handsome sir. How may I call thee?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. (I shalt say that as many times as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay for.) Now, wherefore is the Comte de Blofeld?
(Sir James whips off her top and strangles Madame Marie.)
Madame Marie: ...agghhh... ugghh...
Sir James: Louder must thou speak.

(An alchemist’s chamber. Sir James slays a varlet by drowning him in mud.)
Comte de Blofeld: With playthings of the earth doth thou make sport, Naught Naught Seven. This yeoman thou hast slain to no purpose.
(Sir James slays the Comte.)
Sir James: To Hades I send thee!

-------------------

Intermission. Maidens dance with a cat. A Welsh woman sings... again.

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir Miles: What knowest thee of gemstones, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: With maidens, flowers say’eth sorry but a gemstone say’eth that I be really, REALLY sorry!!
Sir Miles: Aye, ‘tis true.
Sir James: Most precious they are, my liege, valued by the fairer sex, ‘tis all I know.
Sir Miles: On this matter I find agreeable thine lack of expertise. I prithee, pay heed to Sir Donald... duck!
(Sir Donald doth squat down.)
Sir Miles: Pardon, good sir, I did see a bee near thine head.
Sir Donald: I thank’ee. (Rising to walk forward.)
Sir Miles: Sir Donald, where's your trousers?
Sir Donald: Pardon, I be forgetful at times, they do say it be stress related. The relation in question causing the stress ist my wife. (He doth raise his hose, but a small sound is heard from his rear.)
Sir James: Be that a Sir Donald trump?
Sir Miles: Pipe down, Naught Naught Seven!
Sir Donald: Look you well here, Sir James.
(Sir Donald takes Sir James to some display cabinets and points at a box.)
Sir Donald: 14 carrots, (Points to a second box.), 15 carrots.
Sir James: And in this box?
Sir Donald: They be parsnips, my wife Lady Daisy thought gardening wouldst help with my stress.
(Sir James nods.)
Sir Miles: ....er, ye gemstones?
Sir Donald: From our mines the gems are taken
               By stealth, if I be not mistaken
               The constables sleep and are not awakened
               Have a sherry, ‘tis stirred and was not shaken
Sir Miles: 'Tis not for me, mine apothecary hast advised against this.
Sir James: A pity, sire, for 'tis a most agreeable vintage. (Tastes.) I'm getting wood ..
Sir Donald: It's never got me that excited!
Sir James: ...and forest fruits, definitely.
Sir Miles: To find these gemstones ist thine charge, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Then to Africa I must go forthwith.... and pack my safari suit, of course.
Sir Miles: Thou art going to ye Netherlands, in the stead of one Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: Very well, sire ......can I still take my safari suit ?
Maid Moneypenny: I prithee, Sir James, save one gemstone for me, in a ring for mine finger.
Sir James: Naught but one flower shall I bring thee, Moneypenny.

(In a schoolhouse, far away, a class ist being taught.)
Mrs Whistler: Today, children, ye shalt know what “C” stands for. It stands for-
Young Max: Careless. (Whispers... to the rest of ye infants.)
(Enter Joshua.)
Joshua: Two men await thee, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Gentlemen, I be sure, Joshua.
Joshua: Indeed. Wouldst thou like me to tell everyone about ye political situation in-
Mrs Whistler: Perhaps later. And Joshua...?
Joshua: Yes, Mrs Whistler?
Mrs Whistler: Don't turn around.
(She doth enter an office, where Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint await.)
Yeoman Kidd: Greetings, Mrs Whistler.
Mrs Whistler: Most pleasant it is to see thee, gentlemen, and where shalt I be travelling to?
Yeoman Wint: To ye Netherlands. (He hands her a small purse.)
Mrs Whistler: Excellent, I thank’ee. I must make some etchings of the canals for the children.

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. A boudoir.

Sir James: ‘Tis a most appealing little nothing thou art almost wearing- mine approval rating ist high.
Lady Tiffany: For the approval of ye yeomen I do not dress in finery.
Sir James: Hmm, though thine fashion of wearing black is most comely.
Lady Tiffany: Aye, my fashion sense ist second to nun! In fact I hath only two complaints..... nothing to wear and not enough closet space.
Sir James: I know not of ye fashion industry, other than they be'est "clothes minded", but methinks thine dress wouldst look better on .....the floor ?
Lady Tiffany: Let us get to business.
Sir James: I had hopes we would give each other the business...
Lady Tiffany: Nay, the smuggling business! You, sir, do not believe in lady's rights.
Sir James: Nay, 'tis not so! I even let my house keep, May, work twice as many hours so she can earn the same as the male servants.
Lady Tiffany: Why, thee be almost a feminist!
(Sir James doth raise an eyebrow.)
Sir James: Thou shalt know me as Franks, Peter Franks.
Lady Tiffany: Yeoman Franks, thine charge ist to carry gemstones to ye colonies across the sea, for great rewards.
Sir James: Aye, most certainly. Let us dine together forthwith- a small eating place nearby I have knowledge of...
Lady Tiffany: Ne’er shall I pleasure with business combine. How should I colour mine tresses to please thee?
Sir James: I care not, should the cowl match the corset. Art thou fond of ye gemstones, Lady Tiffany?
Lady Tiffany: They are all I need to please me- they can stimulate and tease me. Return here tonight and we shall discuss this matter further.

(Later, Sir James ist surprised to see ye real Yeoman Franks making his way to Lady Tiffany’s chambers.)
Sir James: Guten abend! Thou art English?
Yeoman Franks: Aye, ‘tis so.
Sir James: I speak English- after who, sir.
(Sir James does battle with Yeoman Franks, slaying him just as Lady Tiffany appears, and slipping his own purse into Franks’ pocket.)

Lady Tiffany: (Examining ye purse.) In faith, thou hast slain he who is called Bond, James Bond!
Sir James: Verily! It doth show that nobody lives forever.
Lady Tiffany: Hmm, I didst not know that he was a member of Ye Naughty Maidens club.
Sir James: I hear yon club is full of intellectuals, with monthly talks on carriages and crop rotations.
Lady Tiffany: Thou dost not slay Sir James Bond and tarry for the constables, Yeoman Franks, thou must make speed with carrying the gemstones.
Sir James: Then Sir James can our load carry henceforth.

---------------------

Act 3, Scene 1. A port. Sir James alights from a vessel, knowing that Lady Tiffany ist following but unaware that Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint follow also.

Lord Felix: I welcome thee across the sea, Sir James, or Yeoman Franks should I say.
Sir James: Aye, I must be Franks with you. Most pleased I am to see thee, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: And I thee. Welcome to ye colonies.
Sir James: But of course.
Lord Felix: I prithee, wherefore shall I find the gemstones?
Sir James: ‘Tis alimentary, Lord Felix.
Lord Felix: Alimentary, my ass, Sir James! (Laughing, he nods across the dock.) A carriage hast been sent for thee, driven by wastrels.
(Sir James goes to ye carriage.)
1st Naughty Man: In front shalt thou be seated, Yeoman Franks.
2nd Naughty Man: 'Tis of far greater comfort in front, Yeoman Franks.
3rd Naughty Man: Aye, 'tis of more comfort in the front.
Lord Felix: (Shouting.) The front looks to be of comfort, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: Verily, in front shall I sit.
(Sir James enters ye carriage as ye coffin ist loaded in clumsily at first .)
1st Naughty Man: Hey, take'eth care with Yeoman Franks stiff one..... er, sorry Yeoman Franks!
2nd Naughty Man: That was thine brother, Yeoman Franks? A brother have I.
Sir James: Well, ye globe ist small...
(Ye carriage sets off.)
1st Naughty Man: Watch out for yon man with green trai... (Thump.) Ah, too late.
Sir James: No matter. Hath thee much experience handling stiffs?
2nd Naughty Man: Of corpses we hath experience, especially at ye crematorium, to see who be'eth ye quickest.
Sir James: Who won?
1st Naughty Man: The crematorium? 'Twas a dead heat!
Sir James: And where ist this place?
1st Naughty Man: 'Tis ye dead centre of town.

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 2. (Sir James ist taken to a place of ye dead. Ye varlets carry ye coffin inside as Sir James ist met by ye gravemaster.)

Yeoman Slumber: I be Yeoman Morton Slumber. I bid thee greetings, Yeoman Franks, and I thank’ee for selecting mine establishment for thine brother’s resting place.
Sir James: To a better place he ist headed, Yeoman Slumber.
Yeoman Slumber: Mine services art available for any other brothers thou may’est have.
Sir James: Nay, no other brothers, foster brothers, stepbrothers, foster brothers, half-brothers, or foster brothers have I. Most assuredly not. Did I mention foster brothers? Of them I have none whatsoever.
Yeoman Slumber: Congratulations on purchasing the Executive Version of our caskets. Thou hast chosen wisely, and we value your discerning taste in deciding to pay the few extra pence for a product of real quality. Everything in this coffin hast been designed to meet the exacting standards which thou hast naturally come to expect. The casket itself is made from the very finest Colombian extruded polyvinyl. You can relax and enjoy this quality product, secure in the knowledge that it has been specially created for the lover of fine things and ye man of good taste. (Farts.) Oh, sorry.
Sir James: ...er, aye.
Yeoman Slumber: I'm so happy you chose our half-couch, hinged-panel, slumber-on casket. I'm sure your brother would'st have appreciated it. (He begins to foam at ye mouth with excitement.)
Sir James: Please Yeoman Slumber, thou art having a coffin fit!
Yeoman Slumber: Pardon, and now if thou art ready...?
(Yeoman Slumber pulls a lever, and ye coffin enters a hidden chamber. Faintly ye sounds of fierce flames can be heard.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Farewell, Yeoman Franks.
Yeoman Slumber: Ye ashes shalt be presented to thee outside, in our most peaceful fountains garden.
Sir James: But of course. Thine garden sounds lovely- when I go, I do hope that I be buried in a bush.
(Sir James goes to ye gardens, and finds ye correct urn from which he removes a packet containing gold coins. Suddenly he ist struck from behind by Yeoman Wint and Yeoman Kidd, who drag him into a coffin and pull ye lever which sends it into a fiery furnace.)
Yeoman Kidd: Dance into ye fire, Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: A fatal kiss, Yeoman Kidd.
Yeoman Kidd: An old flame.
Yeoman Wint: A blaze of glory.
Yeoman Kidd: If thou can't stand'eth the heat...
Yeoman Wint: ...I think'eth that be enough, let us make our leave.
(They depart, hand in hand. Sir James lies unconscious within ye coffin which hast been sent into ye flames.)
Sir James: ...oh, yes, Felix, ‘tis most wonderful... most lovely and warm... hot... too hot!!! (Awakens.) What? Oh nay, oh shi-
(Ye casket ist opened and a red-haired hunchback doth glare inside.)
Shady Tree: (For it ist he.) Thou stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder, those thrice-cursed gemstones are false!
Sir James: Scruffy looking????
Shady Tree: Naught but mocks they are!
Sir James: And where art ye real gold coins?
Shady Tree: What dost thou mean?
Sir James: Thou would not consign to a fire real gold coins. Thou shalt get me ye real gold, and I shalt get ye real gemstones.

---------------------

Act 4, Scene 1. A gaming house. A band play "Good Morning Vegas Town".

(Sir James watches with interest as Shady Tree amuses an audience.)
Shady Tree:  ...he hast only been there twice- ye first time he was sick, and ye second time his hat blew off!
(Ye audience laughs. Sir James moves on to ye gaming tables.)
Sir James: I prithee, may I have credit for ten thousand of thine dollars?
Croupier: Yeoman Saxby...?
(Enter Yeoman Saxby. Sir James displays his mock gold coins in a purse labelled “Slumber”.)
Yeoman Saxby: Aye, ‘tis good.
Mistress Plenty: (Appearing out of nowhere.) With thine sport I proffer mine assistance.
Sir James: Most grateful I am, Mistress...?
Mistress Plenty: Plenty am I.
Sir James: Most verily, ‘tis true.
Mistress Plenty: Plenty O’Toole.

Sir James: For thine father thou be named, I am sure. Thou art ye most beauteous wench I have ever seen.
Mistress Plenty: Verily?
Sir James: Nay, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Mistress Plenty: Then let us retire to thine chambers, thou smooth talker.
Sir James: To be sure, after I have made some bets...

(Later, in a boarding house.)
Mistress Plenty: Thine chambers be most beauteous, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: I bid thee welcome.
(They embrace. Enter ye three Naughty Men.)
Sir James: With more than mine hands up hast thou found me.
(Two of ye varlets seize Mistress Plenty and take her to ye window.)
Mistress Plenty: Cease forthwith! Thou canst not do this to me! I do have friends in this-
(She ist thrown out of ye window.)
Mistress Plenty: T
                         O
                          W
                            N!!!!!
Sir James: (Looking out ye window.) ‘Tis most fortunate her fall was broken by yon man wearing green trainers.
1st Naughty Man: I didn't know there was a fool down there. Dost thou remember me, Yeoman Franks?
Sir James: I never forget a face, though in thine case I shall be happy to make an exception. Now, I do assume thou hast come for ye...
(The three varlets exit.)
Sir James:    .... gemstones?
Lady Tiffany: (From ye bedroom.) Oh, Yeoman Franks...?
Sir James: Ah, now I do see.
(Sir James enters ye bedroom to find Lady Tiffany atop his bed.)
Lady Tiffany: Good evening, Yeoman Franks.
Sir James: It may turn out that way after all.
Lady Tiffany: Mayhap, but first we shouldst talk.
(Sir James begins to remove his clothes.)
Sir James: Of gemstones, perhaps?
Lady Tiffany: 'Tis correct... keep going...
(Sir James ist completely disrobed.)
Sir James: Thou wishest to know where ye real gemstones are?
Lady Tiffany: Most impressed I am, Yeoman Franks, to thee there ist a lot more than I did expect.
Sir James: Touch it, stroke it and undress it....
(After a discreet interval...)
Lady Tiffany: ...so, Peter, where shalt I get ye gemstones?
Sir James: Where else, but from a circus?

--------------------

Act 4, Scene 2. A circus. A sign says “Book now for Berlin, only twelve years left.”

Lord Felix: A circus? I prithee, Sir James, of all places why a circus?
Sir James: It did seem like a good idea at ye time.
Lord Felix: And what were thou doing at ye time?
Sir James: ...er...
Lord Felix: Oh, I see. Ye next time, thou should be standing up when picking a place.
Sir James: Art thine men ready?
Lord Felix: Many of them, over a hundred. A mouse in green sneakers couldn't get through! Ah, here comes ye lady now.
(Lady Tiffany enters ye circus.)
1st Barker: Over here, lady! Test thine luck with mine water balloons!
2nd Barker: Nay, play at yon cards!
(Lady Tiffany looks around at ye stalls and assorted acts, and settles on ye water balloons.)
1st Barker: Here we go, a winner every time! (Distributes water pistols.) Here ist a little lady, here ist a little man, and here ist... hmm, a big lady!
Lady Tiffany: Watch who thou art calling big, sunshine.
(They fire their water pistols- the boy intently, Lady Tiffany carelessly. Surprisingly, she wins.)
1st Barker: A winner every time! Here ist thine prize.
(He hands Lady Tiffany a stuffed toy, with an expensive timepiece and green shoes.)
Boy: Hey, that ist not fair!
(Lady Tiffany shrugs and walks off. Lord Felix's men follow, and she dives into ye next exhibit. In a dimly-lit chamber, a crowd listens to a wizard, behind whom ist a steel cage.)
Wizard: Please be thee very quiet, ladies and gentlemen, very quiet. This ferocious 450lb gorilla was captured near Nairobi, South Africa, and ist believed to be part of a cruel inhuman experiment. This gorilla willst be locked into a steel cage and will change very slowly into...
(Ye candles become dim and ye eager audience watches with horror.)

(Ye crowd runs shrieking to ye exits, except for a large sandy-haired man in a checked shirt who bounds joyously forward, and in ye confusion Lady Tiffany gives Lord Felix’s men ye slip.)

(Later...)
Lord Felix: Sir James, ist she here?
Sir James: Tell me not that thou hast lost her.
Lord Felix: We lost her.

----------------------

Act 4, Scene 3. A luxurious abode. Lady Tiffany comes home to find Sir James relaxing by her pool.

Sir James: Greetings, 'tis a most magnificent place thou dost have.
Lady Tiffany: What art thou doing here? And what ist that in ye pool? Oh...
(In ye pool ist ye remains of Mistress Plenty.)
Sir James: 'Tis poor Plenty. Methinks 'twas meant to be thee.
Lady Tiffany: Thou sounds like a constable!
(Sir James casually slaps her across her face.)
Sir James; And thou art not ye type to turn ye other cheek- now, where wert thou told to take ye gemstones?
Lady Tiffany: ...I willst tell ye.

----------------------

Act 4, Scene 4. A waystation.

Lady Tiffany: Ye gemstones I have placed in yon strongbox there. I know not what happens to them thereafter.
Sir James: Then let us sit in thine carriage and see.
(After a while, Yeoman Saxby arrives and collects ye contents of the strongbox. Sir James and Lady Tiffany follow his carriage as he rides to ye next waystation, where he stops to water and feed his horse.)
Sir James: ‘Tis Yeoman Saxby, I have met him before.
Lady Tiffany: Look, over there!
(A distinguished-looking man pays the bill as Yeoman Saxby wanders off. Sir James quickly hides at ye back of the carriage before ye man drives off with Lady Tiffany following. Ye man drives ye carriage towards a far castle, with Sir James hiding at the rear. Lady Tiffany stops as ye carriage enters ye castle. The man ties ye carriage up in ye castle’s yard and enters through a door. After a moment, Sir James follows inside but ist met by some guards.)
Guard: Hey, stop there! Let me see thine parchments.
Sir James: (Waving his hand.) Thou dost not need to see mine parchments.
Guard: ...I dost not need to see thine parchments.
Sir James: This ist not ye man thou art looking for.
Guard: ...This ist not ye man we art looking for.
Sir James:  He can go about his business.
Guard: ...He can go about his business.
(Ye guards depart.)
Sir James: Hmm, ‘twould seem hanging about with ye Old Wizard hast taught me a trick or two- and given me a new hope.

(Sir James continues down a corridor until he comes to a locked door as a man approaches, holding a key.)
Sir James: Greetings, I have not seen thee here before. Art thee new here?
Klaus: Three years have I toiled here- I be Klaus Hergerscheimer, from P Section.
(Klaus unlocks ye door and Sir James follows him through.)
Sir James: And how are things in P Section?
Klaus: ‘Tis always ye same, checking on codpieces. Speaking of which, where ist thine?
Sir James: Er... I have been waiting for you guys to find one big enough.
Klaus: Thou should always wear one, in case of a sneak attack. Here, take this one meantime- ‘tis fortunate I carry spares.
Sir James: I thank’ee.
Klaus: Let me put it on for thee (Prepares to kneel before Sir James.).
Sir James: Nay, I can manage.
(Klaus exits. Sir James walks to a door with a sign "Nothing going on here. Perfectly normal stuff. Keep walking", peers inside, then enters boldly. Ye man from ye carriage ist talking to a messenger.)
Distinguished Man:... tell him I now have enough gemstones for completion. (He spots Sir James inspecting a large wooden dragon's head, encrusted with gemstones.) Why art thou here?
Sir James: Everybody's got to be somewhere.
Distinguished Man: Who art thee? What dost thee want?
Sir James: Klaus Hergerschiemer, P Section. Checking on codpieces. And thou art...?
Distinguished Man: Apothecary Wizard Metz- now go away!
Sir James: Metz... how doth thee spell that?
Apothecary Wizard Metz: M, E.... Depart, thou irritating little man!
Sir James: Now, Apothecary Wizard Metz, there ist no need for such!
Apothecary Wizard Metz: Go now!
Sir James: But of course.
(Sir James exits. Through another door Klaus Hergerschiemer enters.)
Klaus: Greetings, I be Klaus Hergerschiemer, P Section.
(Apothecary Wizard Metz and his men turn to stare.)
Klaus: (Uncomfortable.) ....checking on codpieces?

(As Sir James makes his way to ye exit, ye alarm ist raised and he ist pursued by guards. He dives through ye nearest door, to find himself in a snowy landscape where soldiers are being trained in winter warfare.)
Guard: There he ist, stop him!
(Ye soldiers in training move to apprehend Sir James, but art hampered by their ungainly snowshoes. Pausing only for a quick game of golf, Sir James leaps on board their sledge.)
Sir James: Hmm, ye latest from NASA- the Norwegian Advanced Sledging Association! ‘Tis the N24, a cannon powered sledge...
(Sir James pulls a lever marked “fuse” as ye guards approach.)
Instructor: Get him off that, ‘tis not a toy!
(Ye cannon fires, propelling the sledge and Sir James at lightning speed through ye nearest wall to outside ye castle where Lady Tiffany nervously sits in her carriage. Sir James leaps from ye sledge and runs to ye carriage with guards chasing after him.)
Sir James: (Getting in.) Drive off apace!
Lady Tiffany: But-
Sir James: No time to explain, go as fast as ye can! And if thou dost see a mad apothecary in a carriage, just smile.

(They drive into ye city.)
Lady Tiffany: Thou canst drop me at ye next corner- goodbye and good luck.
Sir James: Relax, Lady Tiffany, I have a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
Lady Tiffany: Aye, I didst hear thou say that when thou wert asleep last night- at least I think it was "fix"...
Sir James: Ah... 
(Their car ist accosted by some constables, signalling them to stop. Instead, Sir James doth steer down an alley with ye constables in pursuit.)
Lady Tiffany: Nay, 'tis too narrow!
Sir James: Worry not, I am accustomed to fitting big things into tight spaces.
Lady Tiffany: Only our horse could get through ahead!
Sir James: Lean over, apace, to thine right!
(Sir James and Lady Tiffany lean to their right, causing ye carriage to tip over at just ye right angle to get through ye narrow passage ahead. Ye constables try also, but their carriage falls over, and Sir James and Lady Tiffany's carriage emerges from ye alley. On its left..)
Lady Tiffany: Er... how didst thou manage to enter on ye right and come out on ye left?
Sir James: 'Tis a trick I learned from observing many politicians.

---------------------

Act 4, Scene 3. A boarding house.

Lord Felix: "Yeoman and Mistress Jones"???
Sir James: Aye, that ist what it doth say in ye register.
Lord Felix: I hath yeomanry positioned all around.
Sir James: It be known you know many positions.
Lord Felix: Sure I am that thou will find something to do here- 'tis said that nothing propinks like propinquity.
(Exit Lord Felix.)
Lady Tiffany: 'Tis a switch, the three little pigs guarding the wolf.
Sir James: Aye, and Hamilton is outside ye door, he be'est very out of shape...... ye can hear him huffing and a-puffing.
Lady Tiffany: So, may I finally call you Sir James?
Sir James: As long as Lord Cubby ist willing to pay what I asked him for....
Lady Tiffany: Wherefore art we staying in in the bridal suite, Sir James?
Sir James: A more perfect union to form, and we get  complimentary tickets to see Sir Sammy Davis Jr the famous Balladeer.
Lady Tiffany: And hast thou with Lord Felix spoken of mine future?
Sir James: Another room hast he in mind for thee, Lady Tiffany, with bars, bad food and manacles....
Lady Tiffany: The House of Commons?
Sir James: .... though on top of the situation I most surely am. Now, ascend ye stairs I must.
(Sir James exits by ye window.)

-------------------

Act 4, Scene 4. A room atop a boarding house.

Comte de Blofeld: I bid thee good evening, Naught Naught Seven.
Another Comte de Blofeld: And I also bid thee good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: I know not which of thee to slay.
Another Comte de Blofeld: With thine predicament I doth sympathise.
Sir James: Mayhap I shalt just wait a while- I do have a licence to chill.
Comte de Blofeld: Mayhap thou shalt not.
Sir James: Would you mind if I smoke?
Comte de Blofeld: I do not care if you burn!
Sir James: How can you both look so alike? What magic is this?
Comte de Blofeld: Merely contouring make-up and seductive lighting.
(A white cat passes by Sir James, who with speed kicks it violently into ye face of Another Comte de Blofeld who chokes to death on it.)
Sir James: Death by Pussy........ that be'eth how I want to go!
Comte De Blofeld: Enough!! Sir James, yet another mock heroic moment.
Sir James: What plans hath thee for the gemstones, Comte de Blofeld?
Comte de Blofeld: Most excellent a question, Sir James, ‘twill be on the lips of the globe most soon, though the hour be late and weary am I yet so much lies undone. I prithee, come meet my boon companions Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint.
Yeoman Wint: Should thee not succeed at first, Yeoman Kidd...
Yeoman Kidd: Thou must endeavour repeatedly, Yeoman Wint.
Sir James: This after-shave I have smelt before.
Yeoman Wint: Is it too strong?
Sir James: Well, the canary was alive when I got here...
(Yeoman Wint knocks Sir James out, and the two drag him off...)

(Later, Sir James lies unconscious in a surprisingly well-lit pipe.)
Sir James: ....yes, Felix, just a little lower... oh, that's it.... (Awakes.) Where am I? What ist this?
(He ist approached by a friendly rat.)
Sir James: One of us smells like Liberace's handkerchief... (Sniffs.) Oh, that would be me- mine apologies.
(Sir James looks around.)
Sir James: I don't suppose thou knowest ye way to ye exit?
(Ye rat scurries off, Sir James follows as he leads down ye tunnel, first turning right and then left.)
Sir James: Um, mayhap thou should enter politics...
(Deeper into ye tunnel they go, till ye rat stops outside a door, indicating that Sir James should enter.  He open ye door, to find ye Old Wizard and Lord Felix.)
Lord Felix: Late as ever, Sir James.
Sir James: ‘Twas a bit of a rat race out there.
Old Wizard: Look ye into mine crystal ball, Naught Naught Seven. ‘Twould seem that ye Comte de Blofeld hast assumed ye identity of ye Whyte Duke, Willard, and ist controlling his empire while keeping ye Duke hostage at his summer mansion.
Lord Felix: (Aside.) ‘Tis on a ridge, about ten miles outside of town.
Old Wizard: We doth know that Yeoman Saxby hast been sent to slay ye Duke.
Sir James: Then go there we must, apace. Old Wizard, thou hast surpassed thineself this time.
Old Wizard: Nay, this trick I doth do for mine children at Yuletide.
Sir James: Would this be before or after ye turkey?
Old Wizard: Turkey? We prefer waterfowl.
Sir James: Waterfowl? Thou must be jesting!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my duck, Naught Naught Seven.

----------------------

Act 4, Scene 5. (A palatial mansion of stone and glass. Sir James enters, and ist greeted by a most comely wench.)

Wench: I bid thee greetings- I be Bambi.
Sir James: Well, hello, Bambi.
(A second beauteous wench uncoils from a sofa of stone.)
2nd Wench: And I be Thumper. Ist there something we can do for thee?
Sir James: There are several things I can think of, offhand, though for ye present I do seek ye Whyte Duke, Willard.
Bambi: (Disappointed.) Oh, thou art after Willie.... Thee should call next door to Sir John Barrowman's abode, He too looks for...
Sir James: For this moment, ‘tis true- though I wouldst not want ye to get ye wrong idea.
Thumper: Well, if thou art looking for Willie thou hast come to ye wrong place. For thee this Duke could prove a Hazzard!
Sir James: I'll Mark Hazard, as noted.
Bambi: But thou hast come to ye right place if thou art looking for a ball!
(Bambi knees Sir James in his groin. Gasping, he falls.)
Sir James: Damn, I should have kept Klaus's codpiece!
Bambi: Thine turn, Thumper!
(Thumper swings on a chandelier and kicks Sir James against a wall. The two then attack him together, knocking him into a pool. Thumper and someone who does not look much like Bambi dive in after him, but Sir James quickly gets ye upper hand just before Lord Felix and his men arrive.)
Lord Felix: 'Tis no time for breast stroke lessons, Sir James, ye Whyte Duke ist in danger!
(Bambi swims to ye side and points at a door. Lord Felix and a dripping wet Sir James rush over and carefully open ye door. Ye Whyte Duke, Willard, emerges from ye privy.)
WW: BBC? FIFA?
Sir James: (Now surprisingly dry.) Nay, Whyte Duke, a discreet servant of Her Majesty am I.  British Intelligence.
WW: Isn't that an oxymoron?
Sir James: Cheeky git!! I ought to....
Lord Felix: Steady, James!!
WW: And canst thou tell me what ist happening? I see thee hast met my friends Bambi and Thumper.
Sir James: Aye, lovely girls. I bet once they hath found the right man, they'll soon settle down from their wild ways. To do their wifely duties, of cooking, cleaning and seeing to the needs of a man.
WW: But they do not like men, Sir James.
Sir James: 'Tis true they seemed to dislike me. (Sir James rubs his crotch.)
WW: Any swelling?
Sir James: Not for a while, methinks.
Lord Felix: Come with us, Whyte Duke, and we shall tell ye all.
(An arrow narrowly misses ye Whyte Duke, who is pulled under cover by Lord Felix. Sir James looks carefully over as Lord Felix's men fire a volley of arrows at Yeoman Saxby, slaying him.)
Sir James: Yeoman Saxby...
WW: Saxby? Albert R. Saxby?
Sir James: Aye, 'tis so.
WW: Inform him of his dismissal forthwith!

----------------------

Act 4, Scene 6. A gaming house.

Lady Tiffany: Hail to thee, Old Wizard, hast thou heard tell of mine future from Lord Felix or Sir James?
Old Wizard: Nay, milady, of thee I have heard no tell.
Lady Tiffany: Thou hast good fortune with thine games, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: For this I have borne much anticipation. I crave thine attention! Now...
Lady Tiffany: (Aside.) Surely, yonder stands the Comte de Blofeld in feminine attire. Follow I must.

Comte de Blofeld: Caesar, I mean seize her, 2nd Naughty Man! Thine presence brings great pleasure, Lady Tiffany, for I had much dread of this tedious journey being a solitary one.

In ye room atop ye boarding house.
WW: So, I prithee, tell me what thou didst see, Sir James.
Sir James: Why, 'twas like ye head of a dragon, encrusted with many gemstones and...
WW: Canst thou draw it for me?
Sir James: But of course- I do have a licence to quill.
(Sir James takes up pen and paper.)
Lord Felix: And what of Apothecary Wizard Metz, Whyte Duke?
WW: A most accomplished wizard in ye arts of warfare, though dedicated to peace.  And how ye Comte de Blofeld got his hooks in him I shalt never know.
Lord Felix: Give me thine paper, Sir James... why, this ist disgusting! And probably anatomically impossible.
Sir James: Not that paper, Felix!
Lord Felix: Oh, sorry.
Sir James: It did look like this. (Displays his drawing.)
WW: Hmm, this would appear to be a great battering ram- encrusted with gemstones, ‘twould be impossible for any castle door to stand against it.
Lord Felix: And whomsoever didst possess this would gain victory in any siege.
WW: If Metz doth deserve one tenth of his reputation, ye power of that thing could be incredible.
Lord Felix: Mine men have found a tunnel, we shalt search it forthwith.
Sir James: And what of Lady Tiffany?
Lord Felix: ‘Tis better we find ye Comte de Blofeld first!
(Lord Felix and his men depart.)
WW: ‘Twill be an auction, with supremacy in warfare going to ye highest bidder.
Sir James: Ye Comte must be using thine empire as a cover- he could be anywhere on this tapestry, from Memphis to Mobile, from Timbuctoo to Tennessee, from Russia with love, from Northern Ireland to Norway...
WW: Norway...? I have nothing in Norway!
Sir James: Ye tapestry says though dost have thine 24th installation there.
WW: Number 24 is in Norway?
Sir James: Either that, or I hath been grossly misinformed.

-------------------

Act 4, Scene 8. All at  sea.

Comte de Blofeld: As is thine custom, Sir James, thou hast guessed correctly, though thine pitiful little island be not in danger. I wouldst have thought a king at least would have been sent unto me.
Sir James: Sadly, The King ist giving a performance twice nightly at the castle, with his rendering of many popular ballads. Although he sends his regards in an Aloha from Hawaii.
Comte Blofeld: Oh! Don't be cruel.
Sir James: All the cards thou dost hold, Comte, even unto Lady Tiffany.
Comte de Blofeld: Most pleasing ‘tis that thou art envious of me, Naught Naught Seven. All ye cards most assuredly are in mine hand. And Lady Tiffany has been most accommodating, letting me borrow some items of lady's clothing which really suit me..... Even helping with mine balloon modelling practice. Look upon my work, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Well, this be a snake obviously!
Comte de Blofeld: I hath not started that one yet!! Behold here, a dog, a giraffe ....
Sir James: Or just another dog, with a long neck? I think thee may hath, er, inflated thy skill levels? Although this parrot looks well sick, as the youths wouldst put it.
(Sir James releases the balloon parrot out of a window with a loud farting noise.)
Comte de Blofeld: Why didst thee do that?
Sir James: 'Twas a Norwegian Blue- he looked to be pining for the fjords!
Comte de Blofeld: Enough of this, I win, I hold all the cards, the jokers and even those extra ones with the adverts on!
(Enter Lord Felix and his men, on winged chariots.)
Sir James: You were saying...?
Comte de Blofeld: Bollocks!! and double poo!! Why dost bad things happen to good people?
(Sir James joins with Lord Felix in the fighting...)
Comte de Blofeld: Prepare my vessel forthwith! I shalt never return, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: Never sayest thou never again, Comte.
(A crane begins to lower ye Comte de Blofeld's small dinghy in to the sea. Sir James quickly dispatches the operator and takes command of the control wheel.)
Lady Tiffany: Where be'eth the Comte, Sir James?
Sir James: He's going down on the dinghy.
Lady Tiffany: Same with his balloons, he was always happiest with something in his mouth to blow on!
Sir James: Move thine ass.
Lady Tiffany: Pardon, Sir James?
Sir James: Encourage thine ass to pull the Comte's dinghy upward, so I can place him over his burning citadel.
(With a slapped bottom ye ass pulls the crane rope upwards as Sir James swings it across the flames.)
Lady Tiffany: I think a smart remark ist called for, Sir James.
Sir James: Very well... um... looks like he's gone to blazes!
Lady Tiffany:  He's now just an old flame.
Sir James: Quickly now, let us rendezvous with Lord Felix and make our escape.

--------------------

Act 4, Scene 9. A port. Sir James and Lady Tiffany prepare to board a ship

Lord Felix: Farewell again, Sir James, ‘is my hope we shalt meet again soon.
Sir James: I should not be surprised... BFFs Felix.
(They have a goodbye embrace, and Sir James raises his left leg...)
WW: Ye captain of thine ship ist in mine employ- thou hast only to tell him, and he will sail in circles so thine pleasure can be prolonged.
Sir James: A subject in which I have much interest, I thank’ee, Whyte Duke.
(Sir James and Lady Tiffany get on board. Later, they art resting in their cabin when Yeoman Kidd and Yeoman Wint enter, dressed as stewards and pushing trolleys laden with food.)
Sir James: Hmm, surely this ist a mistake?
Yeoman Wint: No mistake, sire, and call me Shirley not. A meal for thee, compliments of ye Whyte Duke.
Lady Tiffany: Most delicious it doth appear! Thine balls look enormous.
Yeoman Wint: Why thankee, m'lady, nice of you to notice, we both work out and eat.....
Sir James: Faggots!
Yeoman Wint: How dare you sir- just because a man has an interest in musical theatre you think ...
Sir James: Nay, in the Midlands of our great realm those meaty balls be called faggots.
Yeoman Wint: Ah! I see. They are various meats, mainly a specially coloured liver, which we call "liver light dye". We shall quickly prepare them, by lighting these small bundles of kindling to ...
Sir James: Faggots!
Yeoman Wint: How dare you sir just because a man takes a pride in his appearance, you assume....
Sir James: Nay, a small bundle of sticks be know as a faggot.
Yeoman Wint: Really, most interesting.
Yeoman Kidd: And a favourite of all those from Albion, especially after a night of revelry- a curry! With this huge white Ferrero Rocher, with added high class sparkler, for dessert.
Lady Tiffany: Wonderful! And mead?
Yeoman Wint: Aye, the finest- wouldst thee smell this Sir James?
Sir James:  Whomever smelt it dealt it!
Yeoman Wint:  Nay, mine cork.
Sir James: Your what?
Yeoman Wint: ....the mead cork.
Sir James: Oh yes, although for such a meal, I hath expected some red mead.
Yeoman Wint: Alas only white doth we have, the wine cellar on ship is very far down and very damp.
Sir James: Buckfast Abbey mead is RED! And thine toilet water I hath smelled before.
Yeoman Wint: Kidd doth like my smells and that toilet water be hard to come by, as the seat can oft times fall on my head!  Have at you sir!
(He attacks Sir James, with a privy toilet chain hidden in his hose.)
Lady Tiffany: Oh be brave Sir James! (As she sees Yeoman Kidd approach Sir James.)
Sir James: Have a drink, Yeoman Kidd! (He doth throw the bottle of mead at him, sending him falling back into the fire under his meaty balls, forcing him to jump off ship to douse the flames.)
Lady Tiffany:  Look, Sir James, the curry has taken the white colour from the dessert. It be'eth not a big white chocolate Ferraro Rocher with a high class sparkler in it at all,  but a big BOMB with a lit fuse!!!
(Sir James grabs the bomb and uses the toilet chain to attach it to Yeoman Wint, throwing him overboard just before it explodes!)
Lady Tiffany: Good Lord, Sir James, what do we do now?
Sir James: Eat our meal, I suppose.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Barbel, Thunderpussy

Act 1, Scene 1. (An island. A short man greets a varlet)

Jeff Geff: To earn thine gold, thou must tarry in here for mine master. Only half dost thou receive henceforth.
Varlet: Most assuredly. I wouldst hate to be short-changed, or receive a shortfall in mine payment.
Jeff Geff:  My master will arrive in short order.
(Jeff Geff exits. Enter Count Scaramanga singing https://youtu.be/T9MuEA2eF8c to be startled by ye varlet.)
Varlet: Prepare  to meet thine doom, Count Scaramanga.
Count Scaramanga: Oh? Perchance thou dost carry a crucifix?
Varlet: A crucifix? And what's that Wicker Man outside for?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
(Count Scaramanga whips out a crossbow covered with gold and ye varlet is slain. Jeff Geff re-enters)
Count Scaramanga: Not a man who could cheat death.
Jeff Geff: He was the best, so far.
Count Scaramanga: Aye, but still not as good as me-  I be'eth the best of the best!
Jeff Geff: What of yon British Knight, thou hast drawings, etchings, parchments of his adventures, and joined yon postal forum "Absolutely Sir James Bond" sending letters off every month, keeping sticker albums ....... is he not as good?
Count Scaramanga: Nay, he be an amateur, I be'eth a professional. If he were ever to face me, with nothing but the night to hide in, he'd know the taste of fear and scream and scream again!
(Ye Count turns quickly, shooting an arrow in to a likeness of Sir James Bond.)
Jeff Geff: AAAAHHHH!!!!  That be'eth a collectable, sire!!!
Count Scaramanga: Fear not, ‘twas out of its box and I hath another in mint condition.

--------------------

Intermission. Maidens gambol in water. A Scotswoman sings.

--------------------

Act 2, Scene 1. (The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.)

Sir Miles: Knowest ye of Count Scaramanga, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: The yeoman with the gilded crossbow he be. His ransom is one million pieces of gold, furthermore his arrows are gilded. Also he has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir Miles: To my throne room has been messenger’d this gilded arrow with thine number upon it.
Sir James: For my death, none would pay one million piece of gold.
Sir Miles: Cutters of cloth in anger, cookers of meat in shame, cuckolded husbands in rage, many there be!
Sir James: I beg thee, wherefore hast he this arrow sent?

William of Tanner: To strike fear into thine heart.
Man Of No Consequence: Here I stand, with nothing material to impart.
Sir Miles: Thou art granted days of leisure, Naught Naught Seven, since Count Scaramanga is unknown to thee.
Sir James: Mayhap first shall he be found by me.
Sir Miles: A dramatic change this would bring.
Moneypenny: I shall guide thee to that place where Naught Naught Two was slain.
Sir James: Better than an abacus thou most surely ist.
Moneypenny: In myriad ways be I better than an abacus, Sir James, yet advantage of these ways thou hast never taken. Now- Fairbanks!
Sir James:    Ye township in Alaska?
Moneypenny: Nay!
Sir James: Ye famous swordsman?

Moneypenny: Nay, nay- Bill Fairbanks! To Beirut thou must go forthwith.

--------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. (An exotic drinking place. A band plays "Good Morning Beirut Town" as a belly dancer entertains. Sir James watches ye lady happily while a fat man sitting behind watches him, unhappily.)

Sir James: What a magnificent abdomen! Methinks 'twill bear further investigation.
(Sir James follows ye dancer to her dressing room when she ends her act. Unbeknownest to him, he ist followed by ye fat man and two varlets.)
Dancer: Hail to thee, most handsome stranger.
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond and you speak'eth truly, I be'eth gorgeous! You dance magnificently.
Dancer: Thank’ee kindly good sir. My dance of the seven veils usually goes down much better- there wast much clapping when veils one to six came off, but silence with number seven.
Sir James: A compliment, fair maid, as 'tis hard to applaud with but one hand free. Thou art Saida?
Saida: Aye, 'tis true.
Sir James: 'Tis my belief we did have a mutual friend: Fairbanks?
Saida: Ye township in Alaska?
Sir James: Nay!
Saida: Ye famous swordsman?
Sir James: Nay, nay- Bill Fairbanks!
Saida: Hmm, a bell that name doth not ring.
Sir James: You were lovers, making the beast with two backs?
Saida: Oh that Bill! Aye, ‘twas a terrible night .
Sir James: He was assassinated?
Saida: Not just that, ye meal wasn't great and the mead wasn't the best quality.  The show we watched was quite lacklustre. Oh, and I broke a nail!
Sir James: You poor thing!  The constables found no evidence of any gilded arrow, though.
Saida: I took the arrowhead as a souvenir, ‘tis only little. Now I never dance without it. I call'eth it my little head!
Sir James: That's a charm.  Saida, wouldst thee give me a little head?
Saida: I usually only do'eth that after the show!
Sir James: Later perhaps, but  I desire your lucky charm...
Saida: (In an Irish accent.) They all be after me lucky charms!
Sir James: A little culturally insensitive, perhaps, but funny nonetheless.
(Sir James begins to kiss Saida, moving lower to her abdomen to more closely spy the arrowhead, when suddenly the fat man and his varlets enter, attacking Sir James. A fight ensues with Sir James being victorious, though having swallowed the arrowhead.)
Sir James:  ‘Twould seem thine fan club is jealous.
Saida: Oh no, I've lost my head!
Sir James: Well not being British, you foreigners do tend to be quite excitable. Or so says Lord Farage of Brexit...
(Sir James doth brexit, er, exit entering on an alleyway and calling a carriage.)
Driver: A local bawdy tavern?
Sir James: Nay, carriage driver, to the nearest apothecary.
Driver: Ah, thee has already been to a bawdy tavern!

---------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. (Ye Old Wizard’s Lair.)

Sir James: I prithee, bend an eye to this gilded arrowhead.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. This arrowhead from the east most surely doth come, fashioned with most surpassing skill and a lack of nickel.

Man Of No Consequence: I stand here again, for no reason that is apparent.
Sir James: Old Wizard, I entreat thee to give me three of that which other men have but two.
Old Wizard: Verily, Naught Naught Seven!
Sir James: And what ist this here, I prithee?
Old Wizard: 'Tis merely for keeping mine wine fresh.
Sir James: Wine? Surely thou doth jest!
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my cork, Naught Naught Seven.

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. (A gunsmith’s workshop.)

Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Gunsmith: Thine renown is thine vanguard, Sir James, great honour by your visit thou hast caused.
Sir James: Tell me, gunsmith, arrows in gold canst thou furnish?
Gunsmith: This most surely have I done.
Sir James: Tell me of whom thou doth speak, I prithee.
Gunsmith: Nay, Sir James, as with a priest with a penitent I can not speak.
Sir James: I seek the yeoman with the gilded crossbow.
Gunsmith: Ah, no-one can catch him.
Sir James: And no hitman can match him. Now, tell me where to find him or thy piece shall be held by thee for eternity.
Gunsmith: And shalt I be paid for this information?
Sir James: Perhaps later- I do have a licence to bill.

--------------------

Act 3, Scene 1.  (A boudoir. A maid finishes her ablutions.)

Sir James: Take care, milady, bathrooms can be a dangerous place- just ask Lord Pistorius!
Lady Andrea: For what reason art thou here?
Sir James: I seek Count Scaramanga, the yeoman with the gilded crossbow. Impart unto me how I shall know him.
Lady Andrea: He hath a powerful weapon, he doth charge a million a shot.
Sir James: Nay, what does he look like?
Lady Andrea: Dark he be, and exceeding tall as a green shod German. He doth hate garlic, does not like ye sun, in a looking-glass he casts no reflection.
Sir James: No reflection?
Lady Andrea: On reflection... Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing.
Sir James: Tall and dark be also Charmain, the sister of my father. More must I know.
Lady Andrea: He has three of that which other men have but two.
Sir James: Legs? Most odd!
Lady Andrea: Nay, oval in shape.
Sir James: Eyes? Explains his dislike of the sun and his marksmanship!
Lady Andrea: Nay, he hath three....  (Points to her bosom.)
Sir James: He doth wear a pair of comedy devil's dumplings?
Lady Andrea: Oh, Hell's breath, he hath three nipples!!!
Sir James: Desist thy bawdy tavern language, I be'eth a Gentleman.  ‘Tis a titillating titbit, though useless unless Scaramanga is a disrobing tavern wench...... He's not is he? When he ist not assassinating people? For a bit of money on the side?
Lady Andrea: Nay, that time was just a one off, he'd been drinking and many didn't like the whole three nipples thing- but I know he has a liaison at a club this eve.
Sir James: Which one?
Lady Andrea: ‘Tis opposite ye Nikon sketch parchment workshop. Used to be a teeth whitening apothecary called "Cheeks Apart" but now be'eth a place of revelry known as “The Arse Rise”... or, sorry,  it be ye “Bottoms Up” club.
Sir James: Does it take new members?
Lady Andrea:  There's an entrance at the back, ‘tis a bit tight but they should be able to fit you in.
Sir James: Then I too shall be in attendance. Now let us drink of this fine mead!
Lady Andrea: Bottoms up?
Sir James: I thought you'd never ask.

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 2. (Outside ye Bottoms Up Club. Sir James skulks in ye shadows.)

Sir James: Hmm, one trusts Count Scaramanga will turn up soon and not be'eth a fly by night character. Lady Andrea did say'eth he was more a night person.
(Sir James lights a cigar, recently brought back from across the sea by Sir Walter Raleigh. A short man passes by and smiles up at him. Sir James spies two men leaving ye club- suddenly a tall figure leaps out and fires a golden arrow at one of ye men, slaying him, then disappears into ye shadows. Sir James draws his sword and runs over and ye surviving man addresses him.)
Man: Cry hold! Give me thine sword!
(Sir James reluctantly hands over his sword as two constables approach.)
Sir James: If thou willst take ye opportunity to examine yon sword, thou willst see that it hast not drawn blood.
Man: Thou canst tell thine story to ye constables. Hey, you, cease forthwith!
(Ye short man steps away from ye body. Sir James notes that ye man with the sword is most fashionably dressed.)
Man: Look ye upon mine credentials, I be a lieutenant with ye local constabulary.
Sir James: And a very hip one, too.
Hip: Thou shalt come with us forthwith- mount the Constabulary carriage.
(They exit.)

(Ye hip lieutenant and his men lead Sir James to a harbour.)
Hip: Here we are. Jump down, Sir James!
Sir James: What? There is no boat there!
Hip: Jump!
Sir James: Show me thine credentials again!
Hip: Soon, now JUMP DOWN!
Sir James: What? Art thou going to drown me?
Hip: Jump!
(Hip waves his sword. Sir James and ye constables jump into ye water, followed by ye lieutenant.)
Sir James:  (Splutters.) Mine tailor’s heart will be broken.
Hip: Swim this way!
Sir James: Nay, I prefer the breast stroke....
(Sir James ist led to an upturned canoe.)
Hip: Now, get under yon canoe.
Sir James: Art thou serious?
Hip: Now!
(Sir James and ye lieutenant swim under ye canoe. Ye two constables swim off.)

(Under ye canoe. All ist dark.)
Sir James: (Paddling to keep afloat.) And now, what doth happen?
Hip: Thou shalt see.
(A candle ist lit. Sir James can now see Sir Miles and ye Old Wizard, hiding under ye canoe and paddling furiously.)
Sir Miles: ‘Tis our most secret hiding place, Naught Naught Seven, for here we cannot be heard by anyone.
Sir James: A new slant on a certain creek without a paddle, sire? Bit of a moisture problem, I'd suggest!
Sir Miles: Keeps ye fit, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I must report, sire, that Count Scaramanga doth not wish to slay me. Tonight, he did slay a man at ye Bottoms Up club.
Old Wizard: ‘Twas Apothecary Gibson, Naught Naught Seven, he didst have a secret method for creating lutes with much loudness which he was willing to trade with us for.
Sir Miles: And now we be left with a useless corpse and no leads.
Sir James: For sure, though such leads will not be invented for many centuries to come. I do believe-
Old Wizard: Ow!
Sir James: Art thou all right, Old Wizard?
Old Wizard: All is in order, I did merely burn my finger upon this candle.
Sir James: Surely thou doth jest?
Old Wizard: I ne'er jest about my wick, Naught Naught Seven.
Hip: Gibson did mention a man named Hai Fat.
Sir James: There be'eth one chance sire. Whomever paid Count Scaramanga must be able to afford the fee for his services, like Hai Fat? If we could arrange a meeting, to see what occurs...
Sir Miles: From now on, Naught Naught Seven, thou shalt take Good Knight with thee upon thine quest.
Sir James: (Reluctantly.) Aye, mine liege. Old Wizard, hast thou fulfilled mine request to give me three of that which other men have but two?
Old Wizard: I do try to keep abreast of things, Naught Naught Seven.
Sir James: I thank ye, have it sent to my boarding house. At least we now hath a plan of action and be'eth no longer just treading water.

---------------------

Act 3, Scene 3. (A walled garden, a figure approaches. ‘Tis Sir James .....)

Sir James: So much topiary by George. Bush everywhere.
(A maiden swims in a nearby pool.)
Maiden: Hello, fair Knight.
Sir James: Thou shalt find, maid, that I can be an exceptional Knight, and how be'eth thou known?
Chew Mee: Chew Mee!
Sir James: Chew Yu?
Chew Mee: Nay that be'eth my sister. I be'eth the Gardner.
Sir James: Gardner, eh...?

Sir James: Hmm... for special services I do have thee in mind.
Chew Mee: My sister helps keep my bush in order.
Sir James: I hath been admiring the bush display since I arrived. I hath a great interest in many Lady Gardens.
(Chew Yu enters with gardening tool...)
Chew Yu: I hath just finished trimming that Brazilian bush, it now be'eth as clean as a whistle.
Chew Mee: Good, ye master was going to tear a strip off us about that.
Chew Yu: Good sir, have you any use for a well-used hoe?
(Sir James turns with eyebrow raised to audience!)
Sir James: ....perhaps later. I have come to talk with thine master, on a matter of business.
Voice: (Off.) Who art thou, why are you here?
(A short, portly man enters.)
Sir James: Hai Fat?
Hai Fat: Hi to you also, stranger. What ist thy business here?
(Sir James removes his doublet.)
Chew Mee: Look, Yu, he hast three of that which other men have but two!
(Chew Yu and Chew Mee titter.)
Hai Fat: Chew Mee, Chew Yu, leave us now! And take thine hairy tobacco chewing sister with you.
Chew Mee: Aye, master. Come, Chew Bacca.
Chew Bacca: Aaarrgh!
Chew Yu: Boy, you said it, Chewie.
(Ye maidens depart, giggling.)
Hai Fat: Thine abnormality ist considered a sign of great sexual potency, Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Aye, 'tis true- many will testify to that!
Hai Fat: I did not expect to meet thee like this. Why hast thou come here?
Sir James: I have come to warn ye of he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: Ne'er hast I heard of this gentleman. But perhaps thou will call tonight, for dinner, and explain more.
(Exit Sir James. Hai Fat doth walk casually over to a bush behind which stands Count Scaramanga reading a list of local bloodbanks inscribed "With love from Van Helsing".)
Hai Fat: Thou hast heard?
Count Scaramanga: Aye, 'tis he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Hai Fat: This be'eth mine mausoleum in which I will be laid, when Chew Mee finishes gardening.  This be'eth mine office in which I shalt get laid with Chew Yu after cleaning her tools. So a useful, happy nightlife I have ahead of me, and I do not intend to let Sir James Bond shorten it.

(Later that night...)
Sir James: Thou may know me as Count Scaramanga, I am expected.
Gatekeeper: I shalt just check ye list.... um..... ok........ (Ye guard looks at Sir James's footwear and reads from ye list.) .... “no trainers, especially  green ones”....  so... you're OK, go in. Just keep this wrist band on. It gets you one free mead.
(Sir James walks through ye garden and ist knocked unconscious by Jeff Geff, disguised as a statue.)
Hai Fat: Do not slay him here- take Sir James to school..............

-----------------------

Act 4, Scene 1.  (Sir James lies asleep, being softly washed by beauteous maidens.)

Sir James: Zzzzz... oh 'tis wonderful...  'tis heaven, Felix... (Awakens.) Ah, I see...
(Looking about, Sir James realises he ist in some sort of fighting school. A master stands in front of ye students.)
Fighting Master: First rule of fight school?
Student: We don't talk of fight school!
(An arrow flies straight, killing ye student.)
Fighting Master: Look well, that ist how serious we are about that rule...... that, and always washing your feet before lessons.
(A gong ist struck.)
Sir James: Time for afternoon tea, perhaps...?
(Ye Fighting Master slowly shakes his head as the students line up either side of the floor. Sir James ist bidden to stand in ye centre.)
Sir James: ...or maybe ballet lessons?
Master: Tula.
(One of ye students emerges to face Sir James. A beautiful woman ....)
Master: Apologies, wrong Tula.  (Another student steps forward.)
Tula: So sorry my English not good, but it is tradition to "dis" each other before fighting. So... Britain has terrible food, too many jokes about bodily functions and a weak manufacturing infrastructure.
Sir James: Bit harsh... How very dare you sir! British cuisine ist ye talk of ye world, and bodily function jokes IS our culture! Thou art right about the other bit, though.
Tula: If thee had a foster brother, he'd be an evil genius, who ‘twould not wear stockings on his feet!
Sir James: Thou go too far sir.... Have at thee!
Tula: Now no more insults, ‘tis time to lick your ass!
Sir James: Kick, ‘tis kick mine ass.
Tula: You soon find out, I fight dirty!
Master: Play ye traditional fight school music.
https://youtu.be/jhUkGIsKvn0
(Tula and Sir James do battle until Sir James looks defeated.....)
Sir James: (Aside.) I must not lose; I shall deploy my most deadly move.
(Sir James doth lick his finger and stick it in Tula's ear!)
Tula: Ah! That be'eth disgusting- not cool!  (He doth release Sir James, to wipe his ear.)
("With one mighty bound...." Sir James crashes through a window to freedom, landing by one of those staggering coincidences with which he is familiar in front of a carriage driven by ye hip lieutenant. In back of yon carriage sit two young maidens.)
Hip: Sir James, over here!
Sir James: I prithee, how didst thee know I was here?
Hip: Hai Fat owns this place.
Sir James: Hai Fat ist a millionaire businessman, he doth own dozens of places.
Hip: Also there be'eth a sign for today’s fight "Sir James Bond vs Tula 2pm" ....  "Tomorrow:  Demolition carriage racing ... bring thy kids."
Sir James: But no matter, look ye over there!
(From ye school many students pour out, heading to Sir James and company. Ye two maidens exit ye car and roll their sleeves up.)
Sir James: Stand ye back, maidens.
(With a contemptuous look ye maidens shove Sir James behind them to begin ferociously attacking using forearm smashes and head-butts. They doth make short work of a superior number of young men.)
Hip: Forgot to tell thee- they be'eth from Glasgow!
Sir James: Ah, for a moment I thought they might be extreme feminists.
(Ye Fighting Master emerges from ye school with a bunch of older, more experienced students.)
Hip: Apace, back to ye carriage! The girls hath seen a shoe sale, and I too need to be away, as I be an Uber carriage driver at night.
(He and ye maidens leap into ye carriage and inexplicably drive off, leaving Sir James running furiously behind them.)
Sir James: Hey, come back! What kind of rescue d'ye call this??!!
(Quickly he runs to ye canal running alongside and casts off in a small boat. The students commandeer two other boats and follow.)
Sir James: Gadzooks, they are catching up! If only I had picked a boat with two oars!
(From ye shore a tourist from ye colonies across ye sea watches curiously, as he tries to recall where he hath seen Sir James before. Meanwhile, a young boy swims up and joins Sir James in his boat.)
Boy: I be selling this beautiful model of an elephant, a bargain for only 100 baht!
(Sir James looks behind him at the approaching fight students.)
Boy: You are a very handsome man..... 40 baht!
Sir James: You speak the truth as I am indeed gorgeous, but I need an oar.
Boy: My older sister hath some reasonable rates and....
Sir James: Nay, an OAR!  I'd pay 20,000 baht for one.
Boy: Like this one here, under thine seat...? Oh, 20,000 baht!
Sir James: The gods be praised! Sorry sonny, I willst have to owe you!
(Sir James pushes the boy in ye water as he moves on apace...)
Boy: Bloody tourists!
(Moving with greater speed, Sir James pulls ahead but splashes water on ye tourist, who ist none other than The Sheriff Of Pepper.)
Sheriff: Take care, varlet! If thou wert in mine territory I wouldst have thee arrested.
Sheriff's Wife: Look ye at these wonderful carved elephants, JW, I wouldst have one forthwith.
Sheriff: Nay, 'tis not worth 20,000 baht.
(On ye canal, Sir James steers his boat straight through ye middle of the pursuing boat then calmly makes off. Ye Sheriff looks after him thoughtfully...)

------------------------

Act 4, Scene 2. (A tavern where local maids dance. Sir James enters to meet the lady Good Knight.)

Sir James: I apologise for being late Good Knight, these water "Bourne" carriages can really "Screw" with you.
(A waiter approaches with wine.)
Sir James: Phu Yuck!?!
Waiter: 74 percent proof.  Made by the Monks of Phu Yuck abbey, 'tis a tonic wine. Their sister abbey make'eth Buckfast.
Sir James: Doth ye monks drink it?
Waiter: Sadly most of the monks art now blind, with shaking hands and little in hand to eye coordination.... so yes, they do drink it, lots of it!
Sir James: Then I approve, pour two tankards. That be’eth a beautiful frock, Good Knight.
Good Knight: This old thing?  ‘Tis standard equipment, but I added all my own touches.
Sir James: Go on.
Good Knight: I had a local tailor add the shoulder pads, with gold aiguillettes with little models of the fleet flagship, and tasteful embroidery of the sailors ravishing local maids in a stem stitch to keep the nautical theme and finished off with this hat featuring a brace of pigeons in a gilded cage.
Sir James: I think all eyes must be on you right now.
Good Knight: Because of my dress Sir James?
Sir James: Nay, you still have some lavy paper on the heel of your shoe. Be those pigeons purely decorative?
Good Knight: Nay, the Old Wizard hath two homing pigeons reside within.
Sir James: Momentoque temporis futuri huic.
Good Knight: Sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
Sir James: "To this moment and the one yet to come".  We work for our country but seldom have time for ourselves, so why not tonight? Should we spend'eth it together to give us at least a Quantum of Solace?
Good Knight: That be'eth a tempting offer, Sir James, but tonight I think thou will be’eth the...."One Yet To Come " ...... goodnight.
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Goodnight, Good Knight.

(Later, in ye chambers of Sir James. Enter Good Knight.)
Sir James: Good Knight! I didst think thou did decline mine offer.
Good Knight: I am weak. Tell me of thy love, Sir James. You be'eth just so much Man!
Sir James: ‘Tis true, many have said so but ‘tis most passing strange, I didst expect not the unexpected though guided I have been.
Good Knight: What art thou thinking of, Sir James?
Sir James: Worry not- women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
(Enter Lady Andrea. Good Knight hides behind the arras.)
Sir James: Fancy meeting you here, Lady Andrea.

Lady Andrea: To me thou must grant a boon, Sir James, I seek the death of Count Scaramanga.
Sir James: Though thine lover he be?
Lady Andrea: He doth love me only when his duty is nigh. As his duty ist only performed once or twice a year, I'm not getting as much as you'd think.
Sir James: His duty ist that of assassin, I fancy.
Lady Andrea: Ah! Thee fancy him too, understandable as he keeps a likeness of you.
Sir James: A likeness of me? For what intent?
Lady Andrea: He thinks you have an equal skill to his own.  I've oft times felt his ardour.
Sir James: (Raising an eyebrow.) I'm sure you have. So now my ardour is to be felt?
Lady Andrea: If thou wish'est. ‘Twas I who did send the gilded arrow, and I am not unattractive.
Sir James: Most tardy have I been on the uptake.
(They embrace as Sir James extinguishes a candle.... Later Sir James awakes Good Knight.)
Sir James: Arise, Good Knight.
Good Knight: Sir James! How long be'eth I in hiding?
Sir James: Given foreplay and my very best act of love, I'd guess, oh, at least ten or fifteen minutes. But be of Good Heart Good Knight, as thine time will come'est, I promise thee.

-------------------

Act 5, Scene 1. (A foreign place of sport. Sir James enters and sits beside Lady Andrea.)

Sir James: I have come as bidden, Lady Andrea. (He notices she ist slain.) Shot through the heart ? .......(Enter Count Scaramanga.) and you're to blame, you'll give love a bad name!
Count Scaramanga: A most difficult shot, but I am pleased-  look'eth upon mine score.
(A group of peasants hold up score cards.)
Sir James: Three tens and a nine... impressive.
Count Scaramanga: With a gilded arrow have I killed ye lady, Sir James, for two masters a mistress cannot serve. I am Count Scaramanga. I bid thee welcome.
Sir James: Thou hast made a mistake.
Count Scaramanga: (Alarmed.) Stake? Wherefore ist this stake....? Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. I have no quarrel with thee, Sir James, try not to follow me when I leave. It wouldst displease my manservant!
(Sir James doth lower his gaze.)
Count Scaramanga: Nay, look'eth behind.
Sir James: I'd rather you t'would keep thine manservant away from my behind!
(Sir James looks to see a familiar short varlet with a dagger.)

Jeff Geff: This be personal Sir James, earlier thee did push my nephew in to a canal! I warn thee, I am not happy.
Sir James: Which one art thee then? Grumpy?
(Exit Count Scaramanga, followed by Jeff Geff.)

-------------------

Act 5, Scene 2. (Outside ye place of sport, Sir James emerges in time to see Count Scaramanga thrust Good Knight into ye back of his carriage. Quickly, Sir James commandeers a nearby carriage.)

The Sheriff Of Pepper: Display to me this carriage, youngblood.
Sir James: Indeed I shall.
The Sheriff of Pepper: Thee I doth knowest. (Sir James groans.) Thou be yon English agent of discretion, from England thou dost hail.
Sir James: Most surely I am, youngblood.
The Sheriff Of Pepper: Who art we chasing?
Sir James: Yon black carriage, with bat wings and ye upside-down crucifix.
The Sheriff Of Pepper: Have a care, watch out for yon green-shod man. (Thump.)
Green Shod Man: (Off.) Verdammt Amerikaner!
Sir James: No matter.
(Sir James and ye Sheriff watch in astonishment as the bat wings unfold and Count Scaramanga's carriage takes to the air.)
Sheriff: Woh-ee! Never have I seen that before!
Sir James: (Disappointed.) Neither have I, actually.

----------------

Act 6, Scene 1. (An island. Sir James arrives at an old castle, to be greeted by the Count himself as some wolves begin howling...  )

Sir James: A bit off the beaten track, is it not?
Count Scaramanga: Quiet, children of the night!
(Sir James turns.......)
Sir James: SIT!!!!!!
(Ye wolves fall silent.)
Count Scaramanga: I bid thee welcome, Sir James. The wolves guard mine castle, but can be loud.
Sir James: Well, we all have our cross to bear.
Count Scaramanga: (Alarmed.) Cross??? Where ist this cross? Oh, right, I see. Tell me, Sir James, perchance dost thou carry garlic?
Sir James: Garlic?
Count Scaramanga: Oh, ‘tis nothing, ‘tis nothing. Dine with us, Sir James.
Sir James: But of course.
(They retire to Count Scaramanga’s dining room, where they are joined by Good Knight.)
Count Scaramanga:  Would you care for some broccoli?
Sir James: Aye, always broccoli.
Count Scaramanga: And perhaps herb salt, celery salt, sea salt?
Sir James: No salts, man. Not any more.
Count Scaramanga: As thou will, son.
Sir James: Thou art undeniably the man with the golden pun.
Count Scaramanga: I thank'ee, a good pun is its own reword. Here, have some Phuyuck.
Sir James: Won't ye join me? (Sips.) Um! Slightly reminiscent of carriage brake fluid.
Count Scaramanga: Nay, I never drink... wine. A toast, Sir James, the best we are!
Sir James: Thine word hath four letters, as with another word of much use with which replete thou doth be.
Good Knight: On this island forever I could stay.
Sir James: (Aside.) I intend to get you off...
Good Knight: Oh, I'll move my chair a little closer Sir James.
Count Scaramanga: Please enjoy the repast Jeff Geff hath prepared for us: Blood Pudding, and from our local bull ring, a brace of roasted bulls balls!
Sir James: I hath had this meal before but the balls were much bigger?
Count Scaramanga: Ah, but sometimes the bull wins the fight! To a duel I thee challenge!
Good Knight: That be'eth not fair, I doubt I would'st be any match for....
Count Scaramanga: I was addressing Sir James.
Sir James: A duel is't usually between two gentlemen...... So I willst lower my standards and agree!
(They duel. Count Scaramanga is slain by a wooden model of Sir Roger Moore. Or mayhap the real one, hard to tell it doth always be.)

-------------------------

Act 6, Scene 3. Still another boudoir.

Good Knight: Oh, Sir James, I did believe this moment cometh not!
Sir James: I think'eth you willst have no fear of "Cometh Not" ...
(They embrace.)
Sir James: Good night, Good Knight. No need to fear.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return)

Barbel, Thunderpussy

Raker Of Moons

Act 1, Scene 1. The cliffs of Dover. Under the bluebirds, Sir James doth walk with a pretty damsel.

Damsel: Oh Sir James, yon gull has't left a residue on mine dress, has't thee some paper?
Sir James: Don't be silly wench, yon gull will be miles away by now! But ‘tis most pleasant here- I do bethink I should ne’er walk with anyone else.
Damsel: So right you are, Sir James!
(Enter Jaws and a varlet)
Sir James: Ist this a place for the walking of thine dog?
Varlet: This is where you leave us, Sir James.
(They struggle. Sir James throws the varlet from the cliff, but he doth grab a rope. Jaws pushes Sir James from the cliff. Sir James seizes the varlet, who doth try to cut the rope)
Varlet: Art thou scared of heights, Sir James?
(Sir James reaches up to untie a knot on the varlet's rope)
Sir James: Frayed knot, old boy.
(Ye varlet falls with a scream.)
Sir James: Hm, sounds like Count Wilhelm.
(Jaws seizes a rope and leaps after Sir James, but his rope ist not securely tied. He doth fall into a circus tent below.)

-------------------

(Intermission. Maidens dance and fly. A Welshwoman sings yet again.)

-------------------

Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Maid Moneypenny: Most tardy thou art, Sir James.
Sir James: Aye, Maid Moneypenny, for I didst fall off a cliff without a rope. (Moneypenny doth laugh) Thou believe me not?
Maid Moneypenny: Nay, and thou shouldst attend Sir Miles soonest.

Sir Miles: Know ye of Sir Hugo Drax, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: Most surely, sire, the talk of the land he ist. He doth use his great wealth, amassed across the sea, to create a fleet of ships that will explore the uncharted oceans, and these ships be called “Ye Raker Of Moons”.
Sir Miles: ‘Tis true, and also he doth cheat at ye playing of cards. However, thou willst know that one of these Raker Of Moons wast being sent here from those across the sea. Ye ship wast being transported on the back of another ship, the HMS Trust The RAF, to fool the French. And to be even sneakier, ye transport ship was much smaller, ne'er would they expect that!
Sir James: Aye, and ye daily scrolls report that ‘twas lost at sea with all hands.
Old Wizard: More disturbing ist the truth, Naught Naught Seven. Regard here, in mine crystal ball... Lo, no trace of shipwreck or lifeboats was found.
Sir James: Hmm, a missing ship... now where hast I heard this before?
Sir Miles: Those across the sea art most concerned.
Sir James: Then to Sir Hugo Drax’s headquarters I must make haste.
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted wristband! Thine foes it will slay and their plans confound.
Sir James: ‘Twould make a most excellent Yuletide gift, Old Wizard.

------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. A port.

Sir James: I prithee, sir, I seek transport.
Villager: Most certainly, good sir, where art thou destined?
Sir James: To Castle Drax I be headed.
Villager: Nay, let it not be so! For no carriage from this village willst take thee there.
(Enter Corinne.)
Corinne: Sir James, mine name ist Corinne and I am bid by Sir Hugo to welcome thee to this land.
Sir James: Forsooth, most pleased I am.
Corinne: I prithee, enter this carriage freely of your own will. He doth trust thine journey from London hast been a happy one and that you will enjoy your stay in this beautiful land. Driver, through the Borgo pass to the castle.
(Sir James enters ye carriage, and they drive off, two bats following behind.)
Sir James: And art thou bidden to be mine guide?
Corinne: Nay, I am but a humble yeowoman in his service. (A wolf howls.) Ah, the children of the night- what music they make!
Sir James: And fair Corinne, will thee tell me thine story?
Corinne: The story of... O, 'twill be of no interest.
Sir James: Is it really necessary to drive quite so fast?
Corinne: More often than ye would think. All that you see from here on belong'eth to Sir Hugo.
Sir James: He doth own this carriage and horses?
Corinne:  Aye, my liege.
Sir James: And yonder man with green shoes?
Corrine: Where? (Thump.) Ah, no matter.
Sir James: And that tavern ....?
Corinne: Aye, Sir James.
Sir James: And that cottage ....
Corinne: Aye, Sir James!
(After many questions from Sir James....)
Sir James: He own'eth this farm house?
Corinne: For Christendom's sake, Sir James, Sir Hugo ist a great lord and owns freaking everything!!!!
Sir James: He own'eth a lot! (Sir James doth glance surreptitiously at Corinne's cleavage.)
Corinne: Yea, whatever.
(Later, passing Sir Hugo's castle.......)
Corinne: Look ye well Sir James, there are some of the new Raker of Moons crews getting their training, Sir Hugo ist paying for it all from his own purse.
Sir James: I did serve in the Queen's navy, although the training then was merely to enter a tavern, drink an ale. If the Queen's shilling was at the bottom of thine tankard ye'd get coshed, and wake up next morning in a Commander's uniform on the bridge of a frigate .
Corinne: ‘Tis very different today, Sir James, many top Wizards have introduced new training methods. The shilling hast gone, as it was too much of't a choking hazard, and no getting coshed anymore.  At the end of training as the cadets walk past, we all drop privies on their heads, ‘tis known to all as the passing out ceremony.  Now we are here- Krebs the butler will lead you to Sir Hugo's throne room.
Sir James: Good idea, for I need'eth the privy apace.

------------------

Act 2, Scene 3. A villain’s lair. Sir James enters as Drax ist playing a celeste for two beauteous maidens. Drax turns to greet Sir James, as the celeste plays on for a few seconds without him. https://youtu.be/9nNGlaiVypU

Drax: Sir James, allow me to introduce before they leave us, the Lady Rose and the Lady Lexi.
Sir James: I bid thee greetings, fair ladies. (The ladies exit.)
Drax: Thine renown ist thine vanguard, Sir James, most honoured I am that thine masters hath sent thee on a mission so delicate.
Sir James: Wherefore ist mine mission delicate, Sir Hugo?
Drax: Why, surely thou hast come to apologise for thine masters having lost mine ship. To lose one ship may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Do you know your Wilde, Sir James?
Sir James: Only in the bedchamber Sir Hugo! No wreckage hast been found, ‘tis not certain that the ship was lost.
(Enter Chang, or Cha, or Charr, whatever he’s called, with a tray)
Drax: Ah, ‘tis time for mine favourite repast- cucumber sandwiches!
Sir James: Aw, no stuffed sheep’s head then- such a pity!
(Drax throws some cucumber sandwiches to his Chihuahuas, who art peeing happily neath the celeste. They do not eat them.)
Drax: Thee should begin thine quest forthwith, Sir James, for thou must not lose time as well as mine Raker of Moons. Seek ye Apothecary Goodhead, who willst aid thee.
(Sir Hugo snaps his fingers, and ye chihuahuas eat. Exit Sir James.)
Drax: I prithee, thou should tend carefully to Sir James, Cha.. Chang... my friend.

------------------

Act 2, Scene 4. The chambers of Apothecary Goodhead.

Gala: Can I help thee, good sir?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond, and I do seek Apothecary Goodhead.
Gala: And here she stands, Sir James.
Sir James: Thou art a woman! (Gala looks behind Sir James.) For whom do ye search?
Gala: Why, I do seek Dr Watson, for thou art most surely Sherlock.
Sir James: Indeed my lady, but that was some years 'ere this...

And the good Doctor and I will not meet again for some time. So, art thou training to be a sailor?
Gala: Fully qualified I am, Sir James, on loan from NASA - the National Aquanautical Sailing Administration. Come, I shall show thee how we train.
(Gala shows Sir James to a small dinghy moored in dry dock along the castle moat.)
Sir James: Of course! It simulates the motion of the ocean.
Gala: This dinghy was built by The Hughes Corporation. Would you care to see if you could rock the boat, Sir James? If thou becomes seasick, thou needs only deflate thy dinghy here.
Sir James: Seasick? I would like to know where thou got'st the notion...
(Sir James enters the dinghy, as a short Oriental enters.)
Gala: Chang? Or is it Charr? I never can tell...
Chang/Charr/Cha: Thy master awaits, my lady. I shall take care of Sir James, heheh.
(The dinghy starts to move, slowly at first, then faster, as Chang -Charr spins the mooring rope ever faster. Sir James becomes seasick, but uses his enchanted wristband to deflate the dinghy. Chang/Charr/the Oriental bloke looks very disappointed.)
Gala: I know not what has occurred, Sir James.
Sir James: It dids't go down on me!
Gala: So you got some Goodhead after all...

------------------

Act 2, Scene 5. The bedchambers of Corinne. Enter Sir James.

Corinne: Mine mother hast given me guidance on what to do with a man, and what not to do.
Sir James: Alack, 'tis not mine purpose.
Corinne: O, then what ist thine purpose Sir James?
Sir James: I do seek information... What else occurs here at Schloss Drax-ula ?
Corinne: We have Zumba classes, needlepoint, a book club and every Sunday a cake sale.
Sir James: I wast thinking more of the Raker of Moons quest, anything similar.
Corinne: Nothing I can think of, Sir Hugo always goes on about how he hates England, the Queen, how English knights are all soooooo stupid to ever discover his secret in Venice, that be’eth all!
Sir James: So nothing unusual then?
Corinne: Sorry, no...... He hath a safe in his office, 'tis very secret and full of his plans- he mentioned once that it had plans of something secret in Venice.
Sir James: Odd that everything doth seem so normal.
Corinne: Aye, Sir James, everything ist so boring, even the training of the crews, in battle techniques, assassination methods, overthrow of governments, all just normal everyday stuff.
Sir James: Worry not about it,  'twas a long shot that anything unusual might be happening.
Corinne: Sorry Sir James, Sir Hugo ist just a typical slightly unhinged megalomaniac, looking for revenge on the world, .... nothing strange. ...except perhaps... he hast a book on a town in the north of England called Manchester, maybe that's important?
Sir James: Forsooth! ‘Tis known as the Venice of the North, Sir Miles hast said so, perhaps Venice should be the place to start! ...Now on that guidance of your mother?
Corinne: She said if I got the urge, I should suck a fisherman's friend... so I joined an angling club!
Sir James: Forsooth, mine friend Quarrel ist a fisherman.
Corinne: 'Tis most interesting, Sir James! Thou art a fisherman's friend!

------------------

Act 2, Scene 6. A field where archery practice is taking place.

Drax: Good morrow, Sir James, may I introduce before they take their leave La Signora Formatori Verdi and La Contessa Asp Nove Millimetri.(The ladies depart the field.) I have organised this tournament to find the best bowman in the land. How good are you as an archer, Sir James?
Sir James: Better than sterling. I only stopped to thank you for your hospitality.
Drax: Are you a scaredy pants, or.... mayhap, French!
Sir James: I doubt'eth that I am in thine class.
Drax: Take'eth my bow, and try yon target.
Sir James: I see your arrow is dead centre, a perfect score.
Drax: Unbeatable, dear fellow.
Sir James: It looks terribly difficult.
(Sir James draws back his bow and lets fly as Corinne arrives with a host of guard Chihuahuas. Still looking at Drax, Sir James’s arrow splits Sir Hugo's in twain.)
Sir James: No it isn’t, is it?
Drax: (Aside.) Flash git!
(Exit Sir James.)
Drax: Chang, or is it Charr, heard how you did speak with Sir James, last evening.
Corinne: Nay, ‘tis not true.
Drax: Thou art dismissed, let us see if thine legs can outrun my trained puppies.
(Corinne runs but is soon covered in excited yapping Chihuahua puppies, soon she expires from their insane cuteness. Sir Hugo exits, stage left.)

------------------

Act 3, Scene 1. Venice. A band play "Good Morning Venice Town". Sir James arrives at St Mark’s Square in a gondola.

Sir James: I bid thee, tarry here, Franco.
Franco: Oui, Monsieur James.
Sir James: Franco, I did think thou wert Italian rather than French.
Franco: Oui, ‘tis revenge for Rene Mathis being an Italian. I'll just sell some cornettos, till thy return. "Just one cornetto, give it to me delicious ice-cream of Italy .... #"
(Sir James doth walk to a shoppe, with a sign “Drax Venini Glass: Ye Perfectly Ordinary Glass Shoppe, Nothing Unusual Here”, and enters.)
Exotic Maiden: Can I do something TO you.....  pardon FOR you, good sir?
Sir James: Oh, in many ways I am sure, but methinks I should like to look around.
Exotic Maiden: I prithee feel free, good sir, for all is in order in this shoppe, ye won’t find anything suspicious, no sirree. Although please regard this scroll, and prithee do not explore here ("Secret Apothecary Lab"), here ("Henchman's Hangout Union Members Only") or definitely not this chamber.
Sir James: Why not that chamber?
Exotic Maiden: ‘Tis the ladies privy!
(Sir James doth look at some glass vials, before spying Apothecary Goodhead also looking around. He follows her outside, only to see an American explorer and his female companion emerge from a sewer cover and run off.)
Sir James: Apothecary Goodhead, what a surprise to find thee here!
Gala: ‘Tis an amazing coincidence, Sir James.
Sir James: Yea, and both of us meeting at ye same glass shoppe.
Gala: And by another amazing coincidence tis owned by Sir Hugo Drax.
Sir James: So, he ist truly a Merchant of Venice.
Gala: Well spotted, Sherlock- mayhap I should say Shylock this time.
Sir James: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. My hostelry doth do a fine soup in a basket.
Gala: Alack, nay, for I must lecture tonight.
(Exit Gala. Sir James calls for Franco, pushing past a group of tourists buying ice-cream and they set off in the gondola. Two varlets doth make chase in a floating coffin- Franco ist slain, but Sir James heads the gondola onto the square, it having wheels beneath, and he furiously pedals it to confound the varlets who art stuck on the water. A pigeon doth look twice at the boat. A waiter pours beer on a green shod man.)

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 2. Ye glass shoppe at night.

(Sir James enters and examines the vials he found earlier. He follows a man to a room marked "Secret Apothecary Lab" where he doth see a strange substance being inserted into ye vials. He steals some, putting it into a small flagon, then goes back to ye glass shoppe.)

Chang-Charr: Haya!
(He confronts Sir James and they doth do battle, during which Sir James spies a boxful of vials labelled “Send to Rio de Janiero. This way up. Fragile.” Sir James overcomes Charr, er, Chang, er, the Oriental guy and doth throw him through a window from where he falls into a celeste.)
Sir James: Of all the glass shoppes in all the world, he hast to walk into mine. I do think this the end of a beautiful friend... shoppe?

------------------

Act 3, Scene 3. A boarding house. Apothecary Goodhead doth prepare for bed.

Sir James: I bid thee good evening, Gala Goodhead.
Gala: And why art thou in mine bedchamber, Sir James?
Sir James: Thine friend Chang, er, Cha... the Oriental chap hast just attempted to slay me.
Gala: And dost thou think I had knowledge of this?
Sir James: Hm, such a thought did cross mine mind.
(Sir James doth begin to pore through ye items on Apothecary Goodhead's dresser: a purse which turns into a bear trap, a lady's muff which with a flick ist expanded to make a furry jousting pole, a sword with a walking stick hidden in it, a ruff that changes to a spare wheel for a carriage, a selection of wigs containing various homing pigeons, a parchment called "Spying For Girls"....)
Sir James: Such trifles are common with those across the sea- I hast friends in low places who keep me informed.
Gala: ‘Tis true, mine task was to bear an eye upon Sir Hugo and divine his intent.
Sir James: Then methinks 'tis time for us to begin working together.
Gala: In close union?
Sir James: With mutual interest?
Gala: In intimate matters?
Sir James: For common purpose?
Gala: Forsooth, thy point ist made...

------------------

Act 4, Scene 1. A foreign boarding house.

Steward: Ye President’s suite.
Sir James: He is? This I had not heard, although I am told his hands are exceeding small. Worry ye not about displaying the rest of mine chambers, for sure I am that transport can be found. (Exit Steward)
Manuela: I bid thee good day, Sir James.
Sir James: Art thee included in the tariff, sweet maid?
Manuela: Only for such as thee. I am bidden by Sir Miles to aid thee here, mine name ist Manuela.
Sir James: Most pleased am I to hear this. What know'est ye of Sir Hugo Drax’s business here?
Manuela: Why, he doth own ye “Drax C&D Inconspicuous Move Along Nothing To See Here Warehouse” in the centre of the town.
Sir James: Then I must visit there tonight.
Manuela: ‘Tis carnival time here, Sir James, thou may find that a little difficult.
Sir James: This I must do nevertheless. Now, I bid thee, how shalt we pass the hours till darkness doth fall...?
Manuela: Forsooth, we shalt samba!
(She begins to dance. Sir James, rather disappointedly, joins in.)

------------------

Act 4, Scene 3. High atop a mountain.

Sir James: Good grief, Goodhead! Fancy meeting you here.
Gala: I doth follow the lord Drax- look ye upon this harbour, another of his cargo vessels makes way to sail.
Sir James: Methinks we may have better fortune by working together, as we seem to hunt the same prey.
Gala: Then let us away to make our plans.
(They leave across a rope bridge but half way across art attacked by the one known as Jaws.)
Gala: Dost thou know him?
Sir James: Not socially. Jaws be his name- he doth have unpaid speeding fines, drinks red wine with fish, knows not which fork to use. And also he doth kill people.
(Sir James doth battle the villain, sending him falling to a circus tent below......)

(Interior of Circus tent )
Ringmaster: ‘Tis good news to finally have our beautiful marquee repaired.
Fortune Teller: Aye, we will have nothing but good fortune, from here on! I feel it in my blood and in my bones.
(With a crash Jaws doth rip through the tent roof, landing heavily on the trapeze safety net and knocking over a sign saying  “Book now for Berlin- only four years to go!”)
Dolly: Good giant, art thou hurt ?
Jaws: (Grunts “no”.)
(Jaws looks at the short blonde woman with strange metal wire in her mouth.)
Jaws: (Grunts “Am fine”.)
Dolly: Glad I am.
(Jaws looks again, and is amazed to see that the lady now hath no metal on her teeth!)
Dolly: Doth you find my braces lovely...?
(She doth point to the beams holding up ye tent’s roof.)
Dolly: I did paint them myself- the large naked  men are necessary, to give them strength. But quickly let me get those wet clothes off you, sure I am that thou art soaked through to thine under garments. My chamber is warm, I could help dry you off! And rub baby oil all over.......
(Jaws doth struggle unconvincingly as Dolly brings out a measuring tape to judge his muscles.)
Ringmaster: Of all the circuses in all the world, he hast to drop into mine... twice! Mondays are hell...

(Above, some yeomen arrive to aid Sir James and Apothecary Goodhead.)
Sir James: Worry ye not, we art in great shape.
(Suddenly a yeoman doth cosh Sir James, and he falls... to awake in a medical carriage, where both he and Apothecary Goodhead are restrained.)
Sir James: (Aside.) Distract the guard, mine Bonds are loose....
Gala: Hey good looking, what art thee doing later, fancy a-
Guard: Do you mind m'lady, I be’eth not a piece of meat! I like to be wooed, bought some flowers, chocolates, maybe a love sonnet or two. (Romantic music starts.) A walk along a deserted beach, laughing in the rain, kicking up leaves in autumn, holding hands watching a play......
(In a single bound Sir James doth attack the varlet.)
Sir James: Forgive me, Apothecary Goodhead, but more of that I could not listen to- being British, I find talk of emotions...... embarrassing!
(They doth continue to fight, but fall from the carriage, Sir James rolls safely away, but the guard doth crash through a sign for "Deaton's Timepieces" with only his green footwear exposed.)

------------------

Act 4, Scene 4. Sir James and his brethren approach a monastery via horseback. Some minstrels play something magnificent.

Sir James: Fair Moneypenny, when I said “Get thee to a nunnery”, I did jest!
Maid Moneypenny: That's Magnificent, Naught Naught Seven, but thou still look like thee hast fallen off a mountain.
Sir James: Verily, this an odd headquarters.
Maid Moneypenny: This monastery ist for the order Absolute Jackanapes Brotherhood – or AJB,007. Go through yon courtyard; Sir Miles and ye Old Wizard await thine attendance.
(Sir James enters ye courtyard, and picks up an odd looking weapon from ye Old Wizard's table.)
Sir James: Bezants, Q?
(Sir James throws the odd looking weapon at a statue, knocking its head off.)
Old Wizard: (Vexed.) Naught Naught Seven, never touch my Bezants without asking! As thou can attest, they are heavy and, mishandled, thou would'st not wish them to erupt in thy face...
Sir Miles: Ah, come in, Naught Naught Seven. Our Wizard has come up with something big...
Sir James: He hast shown it to me, my liege- verily his Bezants are fair pendulous...
Sir Miles: Ahem. Here, 'tis more news of the flagon thou didst bring from the Merchant of Venice. 'Tis hakarl, a shark extract. It hast been ground with a pestle. It ist found only in the land of the Norse, on some obscure fjord.
Sir James: And what of the Lady Gala?
Sir Miles: (Keeping a poker face.) Well, she doth continue her career as a wandering minstrel, entertaining many whilst attired merely in her undergarments.
Sir James: Nay,  that ‘twould be her sister, Lady Gaga- I do speak of Apothecary Goodhead.
Sir Miles: Of her, no word.
Sir James: Let it go, mine liege.
Sir Miles: To the fjord thou must go, Naught Naught Seven. There thou mayest greet Sir Hugo's beautiful assistants, Lady Anna and Lady Elsa... But be careful, a dragon awaits!
Sir James: So, my lords. I seek the flagon (not the dragon) without a vessel (nor a pestle) - mayest I take my horse to meet the Norse?
Sir Miles: Hast thou been watching Sir Danny Kaye, Sir James?
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven- the Norse are waterborne. A vessel awaits thee for thy journey. Some minstrels will play for thee too, Naught Naught Seven...
Sir James: I must depart. Adieu!

-------------------

Act 5, Scene 1. From a hill top a yeoman of Sir Hugo doth receive a commentary from his master of the chase between Jaws and Sir James....

Yeoman: Jaws doth give chase my lord!  Using a short bow, with many arrows. Sir James hath pulled a lever and a small trebuchet hath appeared at the back of his boat, and he hath launched a boulder at the valiant Jaws, but it doth miss and Jaws continues his advance on the English knight!
Drax: Good, see that some harm comes to him....
Yeoman: Ye rowers are catching up with Sir James, he hath nowhere to run.
Drax: Soon he'll be out of my misery.
Yeoman:  ‘Tis odd sire? Sir James hath stopped rowing, and thrown his anchor over the side... And doth tie the end to his rowlocks!
Drax: Forsooth! That must verily hurt!
Yeoman: Nay sire, ‘tis where his oar rests... He's standing up.... He doth surrender my lord!
Drax: Excellent, Jaws willst finish him!
Yeoman: They have come alongside.... Um? ... Something is wrong sire! Their boat doth continue apace! .... They are caught in a current... Sir James is waving goodbye to them. Look sire! (The yeoman doth give his telescope to Sir Hugo.)
Drax: Blast, they've been caught in a whirlpool,  ‘tis why Sir James dropped his anchor, he must have seen it! Damn him to hell.
Yeoman:  ‘Tis Monday my lord.
Drax: They have been pulled under! ....... Damn, that was a new boat too!
(Below, Sir James doth pull himself away from ye whirlpool, and raising anchor doth row to shore.  In his anger Sir Hugo doth throw his telescope at him.)
Yeoman: You missed, sire.
(Sir Hugo pushes his yeoman off the cliff.)
Drax : Did I? ... Girlfriend!

------------------

Act 5, Scene 2. A wooded area. Sir James is exploring and spies a beautiful woman, so he follows...

Sir James: What be’eth thine name, fair maiden ?
Maiden: I am called Hudler, and want ye to find what thee seek. Follow this path... but take care, thou may be tested.
(Suddenly the maiden ist gone.  Sir James presses on, coming to a pool where he doth see her again, beckoning.)
Sir James: If you forgive me I'll take the path less travelled.
(Sir James uses some nearby stepping stones to cross, but one is not firm and doth cause him to fall in.)
Hudler: Forgive me good sir, but I am a servant of Sir Hugo Drax. Thou art about to face the most dangerous creature of the sea, ye deadly deep sea Ninja Penguin!
(Sir James doth battle with ye wild beast, only getting the better of ye vile creature by using his fierce Tarzan yell, lifting it high and throwing it across the pool to subdue the beast. Sir James ist lifted from the pool by Jaws, only to face Sir Hugo once more.)
Sir Hugo: You disappoint me Sir James, why did ye stop'eth thine battle?
Sir James: I had to Pick up a Penguin.
Sir Hugo: Jaws, bring him!
(Jaws brings Sir James before Drax. The chamber is decorated with shark carcasses.)
Sir James: I prithee, Sir Hugo, what ist thine intent? And why the sharks?
Drax: ‘Tis from shark that this extract ist made- hakarl! ‘Tis one of the most disgusting substances found on earth. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/H%C3%A1karl
Sir James: And thou hath improved upon “disgusting”?
Drax: Aye, ‘tis so. ‘Twill not affect animal and plant life, to preserve ye balance of nature. Now, Jaws, thou shalt take Sir James and the treacherous Apothecary Goodhead to ye sand dungeon.
Sir James: And why did thee steal back thine own Raker of Moons?
Drax: Alack, one of mine others did develop a fault, and I do need them all from our trip to Outer... Enough have I said- Jaws! Take them away!

-------------------

Act 5, Scene 3. Interior of a dungeon, open to the stars. Sir Hugo is standing gloating down at Sir James and Gala.

Drax: Sir James and the treacherous Apothecary Goodhead. I hope you are suitably uncomfortable.
Sir James: Nay, I've stayed at ye Travelodge.
Drax: I hate you and all your Britishness. From lifting your little finger to drink tea, to your privy humour and jokes about Bristols!
Sir James: Not even our cucumber sandwiches?
Drax: Well, yes, they are delightful, especially without crusts and a bit of salmon... Er, but even in death my magnificence is boundless. Soon sand will flow like my glorious words from those little holes above your heads, just enough to hold you fast. Then in the morrow when the sun doth rise, the intense heat will cook thine insides! I'll be leaving you in thine own private crematorium while I shall become King of the World.  Sir James, Apothecary Goodhead, I bid thee farewell!
(Sir Hugo departs....)
Gala: What are we to do?
Sir James: I do think of thy muff.
Gala: Not now Sir James......
Sir James: Nay, look you through our cage door, there be’eth some of your belongings on yon table. To reach, I shall not be able to see, thee must direct my hand.
(Sir James begins to reach ....)
Gala: Yes, that's it higher, a little higher....... Yes there .... A scroll is in the way... You must use thine finger to push it away.....Flip it with thy finger, oh yes, Oh Yes, ... OH YES!!! Higher, higher yes, there, There THERE!!!!!
(Sir James doth grab the lady's muff- a move later called a Trump.)
Sir James: I have it! (He doth look round to see the lady Gala, looking flustered and smoking a cigarette. She offers it to Sir James...)
Sir James: Nay, for we must away. (He expands the muff into a long jousting pole.)
Sir James: On my back, apace.
(Running forward, Sir James doth use the pole to spring out of their prison, landing in a bush.)
Sir James: One in the sand ist worth two in the bush!
(Goodhead doth roll her eyes and smacketh the back of his head.)
Sir James: Now, with haste we need to board one of Sir Hugo's vessels- to the harbour!
(They exit ....)

------------------

Act 5, Scene 4. Interior of a ship.

Gala: ‘Twas amazing how thou did distract those guards, I never knew thee could do so many bird calls.
Sir James: Of course, I do have a licence to trill.... And an old maiden friend kept cage birds.
Gala: Impressive.
Sir James: Well, she did have the biggest pair of  ‘keets I hast ever seen! Behold the cabin of Sir Hugo-  hmm, looking at that box of cucumbers, I doth think he does more than just eat them.
Gala: Here Sir James, this door marked "Absolutely Normal Chart Room."
Sir James: Hmm, I do not trust chart rooms, one doth never know who ist there.
(They do enter.... A voice calls from the dark "ATAC to St Cyril's, ATAC to St Cyril's...." Quickly Sir James doth cover ye ship's parrot.)
Sir James: Wrong adventure!
Gala: Look ye here, charts and scrolls about their sailings.
Sir James: Aye, several ports but all seem to follow a similar course, all heading... Past the cove of "Absolutely Normal Sailing Stuff Here" ....Through the straits of "Nothing To Worry About Here"... Here be monsters... Here be dragons...
Gala: So it's near Norway then?
Sir James: Nay, we be heading for Outer...
Gala: Outer...?
Sir James: Outer Hebrides! We must get this information back to our countrymen- quick, pass me that bottle of finest wine.
Gala: Buckfast, Sir Hugo lives well!
Sir James: ‘Tis a well known scientific fact that Buckfast bottles have a strong homing instinct, so we can send a Seamail.  Now we must hide for the voyage.
Gala: How about a dinghy ?
Sir James: Nay, I went in the woods before getting on the ship.
Gala: We could hide in a lifeboat?
Sir James: Good, we'll get some supplies and then bed down.
(Later from a covered boat on deck comes a moan......)
Gala: Oh Sir James!
Sir James: Ssh, not till the ending!

------------------

Act 5, Scene 5. A port.

Gala: Sir James, wake up.
Sir James: (Asleep.) Zzzz... Oh Felix, I didst not think thee would...
Gala: Sir James, wake up!
Sir James: Ahem, nothing happening here! (Face reddens.)
Gala: Ye ship hast come into port.
Sir James: Ah, we art here. Let us quietly get ashore and take a look around.
(On ye shore.)
Gala: But why hast Drax come here, Sir James?
Sir James: 'Tis simple- hardly anyone doth come to Scotland, and of those hardly anyone doth come here! Forsooth, some do say here 'tis like Outer Space...
Gala: Hast thee a hat, for it doth seem to be raining?
Sir James: Here it always raineth- as the Eskimos have forty words for snow, we Scots have forty words for rain.
Gala: Look, yon barrels being loaded onto the ships!
Sir James: Hm, it doth seem these barrels doth contain ye vials we did spy in Venice and I believe they art filled with hakarl.
Gala: Uh-oh... Sir James...
(Sir James looketh behind him to find Jaws. Ye giant doth seize Gala in one hand and Sir James in the other, and drag them off.)

------------------

Act 5, Scene 6. Another villain's lair. Jaws brings Sir James and Gala before Sir Hugo Drax.

Sir James: Thine dream, thine nightmare hast no chance, Sir Hugo!
Sir Hugo: This we shalt see. These vials, filled with hakarl, shalt be released from my ships and cause death to all with undesirable hair colour. We considered other vile substances, twenty-three of them, to rid ourselves of the non-redheads. Haggis and smalahove showed promising results, but none wast as effective as Number 24: hakarl. And the plan has been named Draxit.
Sir James: What a horribly villainous plan! Hast thou any idea what will happen to the world and your ginger society here after such an attack?
Drax: Worry ye not. Our most handsome & intelligent scholars, and Lord Boris of Johnson as well, willst study the effect of Draxit as soon as the vials are launched to the mainland.
Sir James: Why not before?
Drax: Nay, why should that be necessary? Let us all Draxit and worry about the consequences later.
Sir James: 'Tis a most inhuman element.
Drax: Thou art wide of the mark, Sir James, or mayhap 'tis too hot to handle for thee. Now, ‘tis time for you to walk the plank.
Sir James: Why? Canst thee not afford a dog?
Drax: Jaws! Expel them!
Varlet: Sir Hugo, we are being assailed by ships flying the flag of those across the sea!
Drax: There were no launches scheduled... Sir James must have found a way to impart our whereabouts!
Varlet: They doth open fire on us!
Drax: Return fire! Jaws, take Sir James to the plank!
Sir James: And all those of undesirable hair colour shalt be dealt with?
(Sir James doth look at Dolly, then Jaws. Ye giant looks confused, then understands)
Drax: Jaws! Thou shalt do mine bidding!
(Jaws seizes two of Drax’s men and bashes their heads together. Sir James and Gala assail the henchmen. Drax runs for a lifeboat. Sir James gives chase; Drax turns to face him with a sword.)
Drax: I shalt have the pleasure of slaying thee myself! Now, what would Oscar Wilde have said?
(Sir James slays Drax using the Old Wizard’s enchanted wristband.)
Sir James: “I can resist everything but temptation”, methinks. (Enter Apothecary Goodhead)
Gala: Sir James, flee we must!
Sir James: To a Raker of Moons, without delay.
(They race to a ship.)
Gala: Make haste, Sir James!
Sir James: Alack, the mooring rope ist securely tied. (Sir James espies Jaws and Dolly on the pier.) Jaws, canst thou help us?
(Jaws breaks the rope effortlessly. The ship sails free.)
Gala: Mayhap he ist not such a moonraker after all.
(On the pier, Dolly hands Jaws a bottle of Buckfast. He doth bite it open, and the two drink.)
 
------------------

Act 5, Scene 7. Aboard a Raker of Moons.

Gala: Sir James, ahead ten degrees to port, there lies one of Sir Hugo's ships!
Sir James: Take ye the tiller, Lady Gala, whilst I man the cannon.
Gala: Surely this cannot be canon?
Sir James: Most surely, but take the tiller anyway... hold fast... Fire!
Gala: Thine aim ist true, the ship ist sunk.
Sir James: And another lies yonder- turn to starboard... Fire!
Gala: Truly thou art an excellent shot, for down she sinks.
Sir James: One more to go- full speed ahead!

(The throne room of Sir Miles.)
Sir Miles: Old Wizard, canst thou find Naught Naught Seven?
Old Wizard: Mine liege, take hold of my sextant...
Sir Miles: Hast thou taken leave of thine senses, Wizard?
Old Wizard: Nay, mine liege, this sextant is a nautical compass - mayhap it gives us directions to Naught Naught Seven, but time thou must give me...

(The ship.)
Gala: There she lies, Sir James!
Sir James: Only one more load dost I have, I must make it count... Fire!
Gala: Thou hast done it, Sir James, all be vanquished!
Sir James: Then, 'tis time to go home.
Gala: Nay, take me round the world one more time...

(The throne room of Sir Miles.)
Old Wizard: The picture doth become clearer... there, sire!
Sir Miles: Mine God, what ist he doing?
Old Wizard: I think he's attempting to raise the flagpole one more time, sire.

(Exeunt Omnes. Sir James Bond shalt return.)

Thunderpussy, Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, Number 24

(The Moonraker was a 1958 swashbuckler starring George Baker, who played Sir Hilary Bray in OHMSS and Captain Benson in TSWLM. It doesn't have anything to do with either Fleming's novel or the 1979 film.)

THE CHATTELS OF A LADY

Act 1, Scene 1. Men do make sport at a foreign place. Enter Sir James and a beauteous damsel, whose horse doth pull a small brick privy.

Sir James: This much security I did not expect.
Damsel: Their plans they did change at short notice.
Sir James: Proceed we must. Hast thou mine disguise?
Damsel: Here, take thee this not at all obvious mock moustache. Apologies, ye shop was out of the matching nose and glasses. And thine name shall be Major Cockburn.
Sir James: Cockburn? Sounds like Cockup!
(Sir James doth destroy the enemy's artillery and ammunition, but is captured and led away. Sir James doth run into the privy which magically becomes a winged horse and doth make his escape.)

-------------------

Intermission. Maidens dance with a picture of a cephalopod. A woman from across the sea sings.

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Act 2, Scene 1. The throne room of Sir Miles Messervy.

Sir James: Even more laden with beauty art thou this day, Moneypenny.
Maid Moneypenny: In this direction I am!
Sir James: But of course you are!
Maid Moneypenny: Thou makest eyes at mine helping wench, Maid Smallbone.
Sir James: And greetings to you, my dear.
Maid Smallbone: I thank'ee, Sir James.
Sir James: Ah, thou know'est who I am?
Maid Smallbone: Maid Moneypenny hast made me familiar with thine... traits.

Sir Miles: Ken ye what this may be, Naught Naught Seven?
Sir James: A jewelled egg, mine liege, from the land of the Tsars. Most rare and precious.
Sir Miles: Aye, top marks- save it be naught but a mock. 'Twas found in the hand of Naught Naught Nine, yet today it is to be held for auction in London. Behold this scroll...
Sir James: "The Chattels of a Lady", it doth say.
Sir Miles: I prithee, thou must meet Lord Fanning who doth have great ken of such matters.
Lord Fanning: Greetings, Sir James. To the auction house we must go.

--------------------

Act 2, Scene 2. An auction house.

Lord Fanning: Most pleased I am that thou art with me, Sir James, for great use can be made of an extra pair of eyes.
Sir James: 'Tis not a problem, milord.
Auctioneer: M’lords, ladies and gentlemen, we come to lot Number 23. A hideous pair of green training shoes. What am I bid?
(Silence throughout the hall.)
Auctioneer: By your leave, my friends, such an offer cometh not often! Who will start the bidding?
Tall German Man: One million pieces of gold I do bid.
Auctioneer: Sold! (Aside.) Get them away with haste- and him too, before his misty eyes start weeping. Now, we come to lot Number 24. A fabulous jewelled egg from the land of the Tsars.
Sir James: And yon scroll doth say "The Chattels of a Lady".
Lord Fanning: Here be many ladies, Sir James.
(Enter Duchess Magda.)
Sir James: Ah, yonder ist most definitely a lady.
Lord Fanning: And she doth sit with Prince Kamal, a man of dubious ethics.
Sir James: 'Tis the only way, for all ethics be dubious.
Kamal: One million pieces of gold do I bid.
Sir James: Two million.
Lord Fanning: Sir James!
Kamal: Two and a half million.
Sir James: Three million.
Lord Fanning: Oh, please, Sir James, nay!
Kamal: Three and a half.
Sir James: Three point six, mine timepiece which ist magnetic, and a bottle of mead (which ist not to be stirred, but shaken).
Kamal: Four million.
Auctioneer: Any more...? (Sir James shakes his head.) Sold!
Lord Fanning: Most distressed I am, Sir James, that egg was not worth so much.
Sir James: To buy it he had to. Now, I shalt follow Prince Kamal to his lair...

-------------------

Act 3, Scene-It. A foreign place. Sir James alights and ist met by a young man with a snake.

VJ: To India thou art welcome, Sir James. I am VJ, and Sir Miles hath decreed that I assist you here.
Sir James: Thine assistance be most welcome, VJ, dost this serpent come with us also?
VJ: Nay, he ist only here to cover mine asp. Chambers I have arranged for thee in a grand boarding house, a mere hour from here by horse.
Sir James: Very well, then let us proceed there but only if we can ride past every notable locality in the country on our way there.
VJ: 'Tis no problem, I bid thee enter mine carriage.
(They set off.)
Sir James: Watch out for yon man with green shoes! (Thump.)
Vj: Too late!
Sir James: Ne'er mind. I prithee, tell me about Prince Kamal.
VJ: Tonight thee shall find him making sport in the gaming rooms of thine boarding house.

(A gaming room. A band play "Good Morning Delhi Town". Prince Kamal doth make sport with Major Blunder.)
Sir James: VJ, I prithee, what game dost they play?
VJ: ‘Tis a board game from across the sea, Sir James, “Scene-It” it be called.
Kamal: Another wager Major?
Major: Aye, thine luck must change sometime.
Kamal: Very well... who didst play Count Dracula in the 1977 BBC production?
Major: Err... Count Scaramanga?
Kamal: Nay, ‘twas Louis Jourdan.
(Enter Countess Magda)
Sir James: I prithee, sup with me forthwith.
Countess Magda: Thou ist ye man from ye auction!
Sir James: And thou ist most comely- art thou more than half my age, my lady?
Countess Magda: Barely, yes.
Sir James: Then thou shalt suffice.
Countess Magda: With thee I shall not sup... yet.
Kamal: I shalt double ye wager Major. One million pieces of gold?
Major: This I cannot accept.
Sir James: Such a major wager I would gladly accept.
Kamal: Them I prithee, take ye Major’s place, Sir...?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Kamal: Very well, Sir James... who didst sing “Gigi” in the 1958 film of that name?
Sir James: Maurice Chevalier?
Kamal: Nay, ‘twas Louis Jourdan. ‘Twas not such a wise wager.
Sir James: Double.
Kamal: Make sport, Sir James, but I must ensure that thou hast the gold.
Sir James: Most sure I am that this egg shall provide security for thee, Prince Kamal.
Kamal: A great deal of luck shalt thou need, Sir James.
Sir James: Then player’s privilege shalt I use- put away your copy of “Scene-It” and we shalt use mine! Now... What was the real name of the character known as “The Saint”?

Kamal: Err.. Lord Brett Sinclair?
Sir James: Nay, ‘twas Simon Templar. Two million pieces of gold, I believe?
Kamal: Thou shouldst spend it quickly, Sir James.
Sir James: This I intend to, Prince Kamal. Here, VJ- take this and purchase a large amount of curry, I prithee.

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 2. Ye Old Wizard’s lair.

Old Wizard: Most unhappy I doth be, Naught Naught Seven, sent around the globe to proffer mine assistance to thee.
VJ: ‘Tis good to see thee, Old Wizard. Hast thee mine tennis racket repaired?
Old Wizard: This I have done, thine game will be even becker than before.
VJ: Thou hast done me a great service, Old Wizard.
Old Wizard: 'Tis thine service which is of greater import.
Sir James: And for me, Old Wizard?
Old Wizard: Thine attention I crave, Naught Naught Seven. Behold this enchanted stylus! ‘Twill free thee from any prison.
Sir James: Ah, that ist most practical. How does it work?
Old Wizard: It doth contain most powerful acids.
Sir James: Hmm, perfect for writing...
Old Wizard: (Wearily.)...poison pen letters, yes.
Sir James: (Abashed.) I suppose all ye agents say that.
Old WIzard: Oh, nay... not quite all. And on thine mock jewelled egg I have a spell laid, that thou shalt hear from afar what is said in its presence.
Sir James: And what hast thou here?
Old Wizard: 'Tis for gardening. Doublet and hoes, seven....

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 3. A boarding house.

Steward: Sir James, thine guest doth await at thine table.
Countess Magda: Surprised thou art to see me, Sir James?
Sir James: Most pleased I am, Countess Magda. Thou be far prettier than Prince Kamal!
Countess Magda: Thou shalt dine with me forthwith. The Prince doth suggest a trade with thee- thine life shalt be spared when thou doth give him ye egg.
Sir James: And he ist too chicken to ask himself? He doth duck his responsibilities? He ist not hard-boiled enough to...
Countess Magda: Get thine coat, Sir James, thou hast pulled.

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 4. The island of the eight cats.

Kamal: Thou willst be pleased to ken that the egg I have recovered.
Octopussy: Nay, I am most displeased that it needed recovered.
Kamal: Say that not, Octo... my lady, for I have the thief in mine power e’en as we speak.
Octopussy: And who may he be?
Kamal: It is he who is called Bond, James Bond.
Octopussy: Thou must bring him to me forthwith!
Kamal: But nay, Oc... Octo...
Octopussy: Thou canst not say mine name?
Kamal: Afraid I am that a mad Scottish censor shalt not allow it.
Octopussy: Thou shalt bring him to me, unharmed.
Kamal: Who, Sir James or the Scottish knave?
Octopussy: No use have I for a haggis-eating skirt-wearing bass player.

-------------------

Act 3, Scene 5. The palace of Prince Kamal.

Kamal: Greetings, Sir James, ‘tis time to dine. Thou hast met the Countess Magda?
Sir James: Most charming, most charming.
Countess Magda: Too kind thou art.
Kamal: We shall dine forthwith. Wouldst thou care for some sheeps’ eyes?
Sir James: Aye, they will see me through the day. Why hast thou brought me here, Prince Kamal? Thou hast possession of the egg.
Kamal: Yet the answers we have not.
Sir James: A guess let me make- thou hast a bottomless chair and a rope?
Kamal: Nay, more sophisticated we are here. I doth have a copy of the 1967 “Casino Royale” which I shalt force thee to watch.
Sir James: Fiend!

--------------------

Act 5, Scene 1. The island of the eight cats.

Octopussy: Good evening, Sir James.
Sir James: My reputation precedes me. Mayhap we have met before... Lady Andrea?
Octopussy: (Aside.) Ssh, don't mention that. (Aloud.) Thou may know me as Octopussy. Most pleased I am to meet thee, for many years ago thou hast done my late father Dexter Smythe a great service in allowing him to take his own life, not trying to halt him in any way, rather than face disgrace. Most thankful I am to thee.
Sir James: If the daughter of Dexter Smythe thou art, then thou must be truly old- at least ten years younger than I!
Octopussy: ‘Tis more like twenty, Old Old Seven.
Sir James: With age comes experience- not to mention the apothecary's Viagra.
Octopussy: Verily, two of a kind we are.
(To bed they go. They are assailed by Kamal's men, one with a hand saw on a string. Sir James defeats them all, but falls into a crocodile.)

---------------------

Act 5, Scene 2. A capital in Europe. Sir Miles and Sir James ride in a carriage.

Sir Miles: But, Naught Naught Seven, art thou certain that this woman Octo.. Oct...
Sir James: Octopussy, mine liege.
Sir Miles: ....aye, this woman, will be here?
Sir James: ‘Tis sure, mine liege, for on her island I didst ascertain that her circus would be performing here on the morrow.
Sir Miles: Thou know'est that Her Majesty’s government cannot help thee once thou art beyond yonder wall?
Sir James: This I do know.
Sir Miles: Driver, be careful thou dost not hit yon man with green shoes... (Thump) Ah, too late.
Sir James: More attention should he have given to watching, rather than his watch.

--------------------

Act 5, Scene 3. The Circus Maximus.

Sir James: In truth this place is full of stunning... er cunning stunts!
(Enter Countess Magda. Sir James hides behind danjaq_0ff)
Countess Magda: Pray tell, General, what sentence wouldst ye give should I purloin thy purse?
Base Commander: Why, about five years, sweet maiden.
Countess Magda: Then I shalt return it to thee forthwith!
Base Commander: Oh, very good! (Laughs.)

(Sir James leaves the circus tent and enters a closed carriage.)
General Berkoff: Who art thee, stranger?
Sir James: I am he who is called Bond, James Bond. Thine intent thou willst impart, General, lest I slay thee.
Beneral Gerkoff: ‘Tis my plan to destroy this circus and this whole village with yonder keg of gunpowder, and to lay blame upon those from across the sea. And thee will not prevent me, Sir James!
Sir James: To thine feet, General, thou willst stop this.
(The carriage moves off.)
General Berkoff: Thou art too late, Sir James.

--------------------

Act 5, Scene 4. The Circus Maximus. Sir James gallops towards the circus astride his trusty steed, but is stopped by a lieutenant of the new territories' army.

Lieutenant: Romeo, Romeo, is that an Alpha, Romeo?
Sir James: Yes, repaired it has been since the Modicum of Comfort's PTS. Now, I prithee, lead me directly to the base commander.
Lieutenant: Sire, not while I'm on my watch.
Sir James: Then stand aside, lest thy trainers too be rent asunder for studying thy watch too long.
(With that Sir James departs at speed. Lieutenants search in vain, as Sir James hastily ducks into a travelling caravan, emerging moments later as a Jester. Sir James heads into the circus.)
Sir James: Oh silvered winged man, is that cannon?
Silver-Winged Man: Nay, Sir James, 'tis by a most grievous continuation author so must not be considered canon. Pray ask the base commander yonder.
Base Commander: Sir Jester! Is it you that's known as Thunderp... Thunderpu...?
Sir James: Nay, tis I, he who is called Bond, James Bond! Lady Octopussy (for I have no trouble with thine Scottish censorman), thrice-crossed thou hast been by Prince Kamal and Beneral Gerkoff ...er, I mean General Berkoff. A keg of gunpowder is moments from rendering this place asunder!
Base Commander: Gunpowder? What the Fawkes do you mean, guy?
(Sir James runs towards the keg as a melee ensues. He is seized upon, but the Lady Octopussy dismantles the cabinet into which the keg is fitted. Screams descend upon the crowd, followed by hush, as Sir James grapples with the fuse... the sweat from his brow snuffs the fuse like a candle at Vespers (whoever she may be). Sir James and Lady Octopussy depart.)

---------------------

Act 5, Scene 5. The palace of Prince Kamal.

Prince Kamal: With these mock pieces of gold I shalt keep my fortune whilst I flee, and none shall find me!
(Enter Octopussy on a trapeze.)
Octopussy: Thou canst not escape, Kamal!
Kamal: Escape? Why no, sweet Octop... Oct... lady, I was merely coming to thee with these gold pieces. Behold! (He seizes Octopussy.) Now, to my winged chariot I shalt take thee!
(Enter Sir James, dangling from a balloon into which the Old Wizard ist frantically puffing to keep aloft.)
Sir James: Cry hold, Prince Kamal! (They do battle, and Sir James ist victorio... victoriu.. Sir James wins.)
Octopussy: Oh, Sir James!