(Spoilers for NTTD) Shakespeare's Bond: Work area (All welcome!)



  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
    But Sir James never makes the enzyme shake!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent
    I know, he's rather be caught dead. I'm trying to make fun of health drinks. Perhaps sir James even has a good quip about it, but I don't.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
    Well, he did say he has a toilet to cut out the middleman...
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent
    But that's the same joke as in the film, isn't it?
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
    Yes, it's a reference.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent
    Okay, you decide.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
    As always, it's open for rewriting etc. :)
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,742MI6 Agent
    just an idea for a q scene which could be added somewhere ?

    ( In the young wizards chamber , He is in conversation with a young knight .... )
    Knight : T'is all very interesting Young Wizard, Ye modern Knight must hath knowledge
    of many secret weapons
    YW : Aye, Much stealth is needed in these modern times, Look upon this device
    ( Ye young Wizard uncovers a wooden box with several switches and knobs ..... )
    Knight : What gadzooks is this wonder ?
    YW : T'is a magical squeeze box
    Knight : To make music !
    YW : Only Laments .... for this knob when depressed, uses the squeeze action to
    fire a poison dart
    ( Enter Sir James as the Knight nods his head and askes another Question, pointing
    at the squeeze box ...... .. )
    Knight : And what doth that Knob do
    Young Wizard : Oh He defends the realm and chases any maiden in a skirt !
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
    :)) :)) :))

    Will fit that one in soon !
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
    OK, I've collected all the above bits together at https://www.ajb007.co.uk/post/974718/#p974718
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
    Totally cribbed from the late great Spike Milligan- all I did was change the names:

    Lord Felix: What time is it Sir James?
    Sir James: Err, just a minute. I've got it written down here on a piece of paper. The Young Wizard wrote the time down for me this morning.
    Lord Felix: Oh, then why do you carry it around with you, Sir James?
    Sir James: Well, if anybody asks me the time, I can show it to them.
    Lord Felix: Wait a minute, Sir James, my good man...
    Sir James: What is it fellow?
    Lord Felix: I must ask you...
    Sir James: It's written on this bit of paper, eight o'clock.
    Lord Felix: I know that, my good fellow.
    Sir James: That's right, when I asked the Young Wizard to write it down, it was eight o'clock.
    Lord Felix: Well then supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
    Sir James: Ah, then I don't show it to them.
    Lord Felix: Oh...
    Sir James: Yeah.
    Lord Felix: Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
    Sir James: I've got it written down on a piece of paper!
    Lord Felix: Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written down.
    Sir James: Oh.
    Lord Felix: Here, Sir James?
    Sir James: Yes?
    Lord Felix: Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you…. Here! This piece of paper ain't going!
    Sir James: What? I've been sold a forgery!
    Lord Felix: No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.
    Sir James: You should get one of those things Sir Gareth has got.
    Lord Felix: Oh?
    Sir James: The firm give it to him when he became M.
    Lord Felix: Oh.
    Sir James: It's one of those things that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettle, and pours a cup of tea.
    Lord Felix: Oh yeah! What's it called?
    Sir James: Maid Moneypenny.
    Lord Felix: Ahh, wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?
    Sir James: She's got it written down on a piece of paper!
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff
    edited January 28

    Edit: Read no further if you haven't seen NTTD. Spoilers lie ahead.

    And we're back again.

    It has been suggested that we write a Shakespeare version of "No Time To Die", so work begins here. For anyone who hasn't participated before-

    Everybody's welcome

    Don't worry about the fake Shakespeare language. Just write in plain English and I'll do the rest- unless you want to write in Shakespeare speak, of course.

    Pick a scene, any scene (I sound like a magician) from NTTD and rewrite it with jokes, and comment on the technology (eg Sir James drives a horse and carriage).

    Have a look at the introduction here- AJB presents William Shakespeare's James Bond in... — ajb007

    And most of all, enjoy!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff

    My first thoughts:


    (Ye tavern at ye Italian town of Matera. Sir James and his lady, Apothecary Swann, art talking in their room.)

    Sir James: So, why hath thou brought us here, Madeleine?

    Madeleine: Here ye natives have an ancient custom, to get rid of bad memories.

    Sir James: And thou hast brought me here to purge my memories of a woman I knew about ten and five years ago?

    Madeleine: Aye, ‘tis so.

    Sir James: Hmm… maybe, after thou hast told me thine secret?

    Madeleine: Mine secret?

    Sir James: Of course. Everyone doth have secrets; we just have not got to yours yet.

    Madeleine: Well, all right- I am with child.

    Sir James: (Astonished.) What?? How???

    Madeleine: Really, Sir James, I would have thought you of all people would know how.

    Sir James: Most wonderful this is! Come, let us marry in haste!

    Madeleine: Thou art not angry?

    Sir James: Hell, no! Come on!

    (Sir James takes Apothecary Swann to his carriage below, whooping with joy. They set off, after he has caused the carriage to perform several doughnut-like circles in the street.)

    Madeleine: But where shall we live? I have a most beautiful house in Norway.

    Sir James: I have a golden house in Jamaica.

    Madeleine: Jamaica is warmer, let us go forthwith!

    (Meanwhile, in a cemetery not far away, two men await impatiently, staring at their sundials from time to time. One is young, barely more than a boy, the other has a false eye.)

    Younger Man: I thought he should have been here by now.

    Older Man: Aye, the Comte de Blofeld did most certainly say so.

    Younger Man: Oh, well….


    Intermission. A young singer comes on and mumbles some words.


    Five Years Later

    (The residence in Jamaica which Sir James spoke of. He returns from fishing, and inspects the remains of a cigar which he finds.)

    Sir James: Hmm, “Delectados”? They are particularly hazardous to one’s health.

    Voice From Behind: And so art thou, mine friend.

    Sir James: (Turning.) Lord Felix! It hath been too long!

    Lord Felix: Aye, ‘tis so. I have come to ask for thine companionship on a quest which I must undertake.

    Sir James: A quest?

    Lord Felix: An alchemist hath gone missing, and we must find him.

    Sir James: “We”? I am enjoying the days of mine retirement, Lord Felix.

    Lord Felix: I cannot persuade thee?

    Sir James: Look behind thee.

    (Lord Felix turns, to see a girl of perhaps four years and another of maybe two.)

    Sir James: This is my… family. Behold Mathilde, and her young sister Monique.

    Lord Felix: Ah…. Hello.

    (Apothecary Swann enters, clearly about six months with child.)

    Sir James: And mine wife, Madeleine.

    Lord Felix: I see thine retirement hath been, shall we say, productive?

    Sir James: Indeed. And I shall be staying here to continue doing the same.

    Lord Felix: I believe I cannot persuade you otherwise. Farewell, James.

    Sir James: Farewell, Felix.

    THE END…

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent
    edited January 28

    my one thought i'd like to contribute, as stated in yon other Threade,

    ...is the Death Scenes EON gave us could be greatly improved if done in more Shaspespearian style


    instead of fading out as the missiles strike, I'd love to see Bond staggering back and forth across the stage speechifying as the blood (from Safin's bullets) spurts out all over the floorboards Black Knight style. Missiles could still strike while this is happening of course, but itd be more Dramatickal if Bond could ham it up for a few more stanzas. Maybe missiles do strike while blood is spurting and he is speechifying, the scene fades to white, accompanied by deafening Sounde Effecte for a full minute, then whiteness dissolves to reveal smoky stage with floorboards shattered and props in disarray, and Bond is still staggering and speechifying for a few more stanzas before finally falling, moaning, lifting his head for one more line, then says "ulp!", goes crosseyed and finally drops dead. Thatd be better.

    also, there are a lot of controversial corpses in this story, and I think itd be more Dramatickal if they were not removed from the stage as they fall, but allowed to pile up alongside the action till the very last scene. That way, Felix and Blofeld and the other minor characters deaths would not be quite so much in vain, but add to the Tragedy.

    cuz this is one of Shakespeares Tragedies isnt it?

    oh, and one more idea: surely some Freddy Mercury lyrics would fit comfortably in typical Shakespearian dialog! the first four or five albums are full of Ye Olde type Imagery

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,160MI6 Agent

    Setting: Cuba

    Sir James: 'Hark, fair Paloma. I know that you are busy but, pray, prepare for this battle to end. The curtain is preparing to fall anon.'

    Paloma continues fighting

    Lady Paloma: 'I need one minute, Sir James.'

    Fighting continues with Paloma, James, and Nomi continuing to fight bad guys. Much to the delight of James, Paloma displays impeccable fighting ability.

    James, on an upper balcony, falls to the first floor and lands on a bar. Getting up, he rapidly gathers the makings for a drink while Paloma races over, armed with fresh guns.

    Sir James: 'Three weeks training? Fair Paloma, you are surely taking me for a fool.'

    Lady Paloma: ''Tis true, good sir. More or less.'

    Sir James: 'More or less indeed. We are still in need of a vehicle post haste.'

    Lady Paloma: 'I shall fetch one, worry not.'

    Sir James and Lady Paloma: 'Salut!'

    After finishing their drinks, they proceed to go outside with their fresh guns and finish the battle, capturing the scientist from Nomi.

    Sir James: 'Forgive me, fair Nomi. We must take your aircraft.'

    Sir James, Lady Paloma, and their captive race towards a door.

    Lady Paloma: 'Enter anon! 'Tis a faster route towards our goal!'

    The three race through the building.

    Lady Paloma: 'Sir James, I can go no further. Alas, I must leave you here.'

    Sir James: 'Fair maiden, thou art most excellent.'

    Lady Paloma: 'And you as well, my lord. You must not be in such a hurry next time...'

    Sir James: 'Worry not for it is certain that I shall return and spend more time...with you.'

    (exit scene)

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff

    Ye Mothercare shoppe. Sir James and Apothecary Swann look at some childe clothing.

    Sir James: What about this one?

    Madeleine: Nay, ‘tis bright blue. Sure I am that this childe willst be a girl childe.

    Sir James: Hmm, if thou art sure.

    Madeleine: Oh look, James, this one ist so pretty!

    Sir James: Aye… Wouldst it be possible for me to await thee in yon tavern across ye street?

    Madeleine: Most definitely not.

    Sir James: Then mayhap I can stand in ye street and smoke a cigar whilst you do ye selecting of garments?

    Madeleine: Nay, with me shalt thou stay.

    Sir James: (Grumbles.) If thou doth say so.

    (An attendant doth approach them.)

    Attendant: May I be of service?

    Madeleine: Most certainly.

    Sir James: Madeleine, I prithee….?

    Madeleine: Nay, Sir James, here shalt thou stay!

    Attendant: Sir James….? Ye black doublet and bow tie? And I do fancy that in ye street ist thine carriage, fashioned by the DB5th Earl of Aston and ye Lord of Martin?

    Sir James: Aye, ‘tis so.

    Attendant: Hmm, I had been wondering what thou didst look like.

    Madeleine: Oh? How so?

    Attendant: He hath been responsible for 50% of our turnover for the last 70 years….

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff

    I had to write that one down fast, while it was fresh in my mind

    @caractacus potts great ideas, I'll get working on them soon.

    @Gymkata but of course, the Paloma scene! Needs done, it's a favourite of almost everyone.

  • The Domino EffectThe Domino Effect Posts: 3,551MI6 Agent

    DouDou, or not DouDou, that is the question:

    Whether 'tis nobler on the screen to suffer

    The slings and arrows of a Type 45 Destroyer,

    Or take up arms against Safin in the Sea of Japan

    And by opposing, be ended. DouDou - to sleep.

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,160MI6 Agent
    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • The Domino EffectThe Domino Effect Posts: 3,551MI6 Agent

    Thank you, Gymkata. The sausage rolls are on me.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff

    ...and much appreciation from me, too. I'll try to find a way to fit that in when we reach the end.

    Now, ignoring my jocular "The End" earlier, I'll rewrite that so Sir James agrees to meet Lord Felix in a tavern for further discussion. Here, he's going to meet Nomi ("I don't know you" "No, that's my name") and she will tell him that she is the new Naught Naught Seven. She wants him to accompany her to Cuba, but Sir James goes there ob behalf of Lord Felix.... and we're into the Paloma scene Gymkata wrote above.

    If anyone wants to write the middle scene I describe above, please do. I'll get round to it if no-one else does, of course.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent
    edited January 28

    I'll take a proper look at Queen lyrics later, but...

    ... when Safin has Madeleine and Mathilde held prisoner in his evil headquarters, can he please speak the line "Bismallah, no! I will not let you go!"

    unfortunately, "Mama I just killed a man" would not be appropriate for Safin to speak because (1.) we first see him kill a woman and (2.) I don't think it was his first time, but...

    Li'l Madeleine could speak that line as she drags his body across the ice before noticing he's still alive, and pretty much the rest of the verse!

    "Mama, Just killed a man, Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, Now he's dead

    Mama, life had just begun, But now I've gone and thrown it all away"

    ...would work in this context (but may need some thee's and thou's)

    otherwise the Freddy Mercury lyrics should all be spoken by Safin of course, unless he is sharing the stage and it is part of a dialog

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff

    Oh definitely Safin will quote Queen lyrics! "I will not let you go" for sure, please come up with more

    I haven't done anything re the first scenes, I can't think how to make them funny.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff

    From the ending of post 2476, slightly rewritten to lead into the bar scene:

    Sir James: And mine wife, Madeleine.

    Lord Felix: I see thine retirement hath been, shall we say, productive?

    Sir James: Indeed. And I shall be staying here to continue doing the same.

    Lord Felix: Well, if thou do change thine mind, I shall be waiting in ye local tavern tonight.

    (Ye local tavern. Lord Felix is sitting, nursing his drink, accompanied by a man with an unnerving smile as Sir James walks in.)

    Lord Felix: Ah, Sir James. I have been expecting thee. What would you like to drink?

    Sir James: Mead- let it not be stirred, but rather let it be shaken.

    Lord Felix: But of course. (He places an order.) Let me introduce you to mine associate, Logan of Ash.

    Logan: Most pleased am I to meet thee. Of thee I have heard a great deal.

    Sir James: Nothing bad, I do hope.

    Lord Felix: To business. An alchemist, Obruchev by name, has been abducted from London. We have been

    tasked with finding this man.

    (Sir James’ eye is momentarily distracted by a tall, elegant woman passing by.)

    Sir James: Thine pardon, what did you say?

    Lord Felix: Thou art a married man now, Sir James.

    Sir James: Old habits die hard. Nay, mine friend, I shalt not be joining thee.

    (He gets up.)

    Lord Felix: I shalt be waiting here for when thine mind doth change.

    (Sir James walks to the street, where the lady is waiting in a carriage.)

    Elegant Lady: Care for a ride?

    Sir James: Why, we have only just met!

    Elegant lady: In thine dreams. Pray, enter my carriage.

    (They set off.)

    Sir James: Thou may know me as Bond, James Bond.

    Elegant Lady: Nomi.

    Sir James: I know thee not- as I said, we have only just met.

    Elegant Lady: Nay, mine name ist Nomi. From Sir Gareth have I been sent, to seek thine aid in finding an

    alchemist who hast been-

    Sir James: - abducted from London. Aye, of this I have heard tell. I prithee, pass mine greetings to Sir Gareth

    and remind him that I have retired.

    Nomi: Of this he is well aware. Indeed, thou willst remember thine number, Naught Naught Seven?

    Sir James: But of course.

    Nomi: That is my number now. I am Naught Naught Seven.

    Sir James: ‘Tis a dirty job, but someone hath to do it. Nomi, I shalt not join thee in thine quest. I prithee, stop

    thine carriage.

    (A puzzled Nomi stops ye carriage, and Sir James alights.)

    Sir James: I thank ye for the ride. I can walk from here.

    Nomi: If thou says so. But I have ye feeling we shalt be meeting again.

    (Nomi drives off. Once she ist out of sight, Sir James begins walking back to ye tavern where Lord Felix awaits.)

    Next scene to be written- Sir James goes to tell Madeleine that he is going to do a mission. She is obviously very upset- perhaps flying plates? Crying children? But he goes anyway, which leads into Gymkata's Paloma scene above.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent
    edited January 29

    yeh thats right, theres not a lot of laughs in the whole precredits, and a few things that should not be laughed about. Madeleine's flashback is a child watching her own mother murdered, how do we make that funny? and is there any dialog at all in the flashback? if its all pantomime, thats a lot of narrative required just for Scene Description, but then at least the quote from the most famous Queen song could be the opening line. Li'l Madeleine could make some asides as she observes what Safin's doing, maybe.

    the nano-bots: this scifi technobabble doesn't even make sense in the 21st Century? how is it to be represented in Shakespeare's time?

    as a Variant of the Bubonic Plague of course, which was still a problem in Elizabethan England! see this page for example. The Globe Theatre was shut several times because of Plague outbreaks, one source I was reading said Elizabeth was so terrified she moved to Windsor Castle and had any visitors from the city hanged as a precaution, foreigners and heretics were blamed, accused of poisoning the wells while respectable folk dumped sewage in the streets, Bring Out Your Dead was an actual thing! whether historically accurate or not, theres lots of era-specific Plague imagery thatd make good fodder for a Play.

    But instead of all those little tubes the villains kept pulling out of their pockets, we could watch the evil scientist carefully removing a flea from a rat, cages full of rats in the back of the lab, alchemists tools on the laboratory table. Those mysterious green pools at the end could be full of sewage and rats!

    also, this strange costume was worn by Plague Doctors in the middle ages for the same reason we wear N95 masks and face shields today. The evil scientist and the minions working in those green pools should all be wearing this costume!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff

    Lots of raw material there, cp. I think the Bubonic Plague as you mention is the way to go.

    I haven't written a scene where the alchemist gets kidnapped- maybe someone else would like to do that?

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent
    edited January 30

    wikipedia does have a page listing alchemists tools , most of which are various shaped glass vessels. Some names we could throw in for atmosphere without having to explain exactly how they work.


    Scene opens showing alchemist's table, littered with Alembics, Aludels, Crucibles, Mortar and Pestles, and other such typical Alchemical gear, and right in the middle of the clutter sits a plate full of nice breads and cheeses (and whatever else Elizabethans ate for lunch). Two alchemists approach giggling, and with tongs carefully place a giant mutant flea in the middle of the bread, then retreat

    "this shall teach him for being the most annoying of all alchemists"

    "indeed, with luck he shall exit the plot very early and we shall be the only alchemists with any lines for the remainder of the play"

    Behind them are shelves full of squealing rats in cages, and glass vessels crawling with fleas are piled on the tables before them. They both wear Plague Doctors' masks (see illustration)

    Annoying Little Alchemist enters also wearing Plague Doctors' mask. He hears his fellow alchemists giggling, shoots them a glance, lifts Mask ensuring he is two metres from fellow Alchemists, picks up his loaf of bread to eat, then pauses noticing the giant mutant flea crawling round, just inches from his open mouth.

    "oh you guys", and opens a window to throw the entire plate of food into the street. Outside is a vast pyramid of rotting food, human waste and bits of human and animal corpses, with steam rising and vast swarms of flies buzzing over, which the passersby must walk around or get their shoes dirty, as is typical in the streets of Elizabethan times. The alchemist's lunch lands on top with a Splat!, momentarily disturbing the flies. then our giant mutant flea crawls off the bread into the pile of waste and immediately finds a rat to infect. Rat in turn runs into the street to bite the ankle of the next passerby.

    "Ouch!" says the passerby "damnable vermin!" then plunges a sword through the critter. Camera pulls back to reveal he is dressed oddly, in a Plague Doctor's mask and is accompanied by a large group of men similarly attired and all waving about swords, shouting "to Evil' "yea verily, to Evil!" . (other passersby have to step in the waste heap to avoid the swords). One calls out "oh this could be the address we're looking for?" (reads sign slowly because literacy was uncommon in those days) "Ye... Olde... Al Capo.. Al Coho.. Alkali.. Alchemists' Shoppe? yes it says Alchemists Shoppe! this is it, fellow Evildoers, let us now enter!!" They kick down the door, and enter with much noise, slaying all indiscriminately, but for the Most Annoying of all Alchemists whom they allow to live.

    EDIT: (Evildoers lead Annoying Little Alchemist towards right, but he pauses )

    Alchemist: almost forgot the most important item!

    Chief Evildoer: what now? we have deadlines in this business

    (Annoying Little Alchemist climbs on stool to reach rat-cage on top shelf. Rat must be Norwegian Blue Rat, for he is kipping on his back. With tongs Alchemist retrieves one particularly nasty looing flea from the dead rats fur and ads it to a glass vessel.This glas vessel is nearly full already with hopping crawling nasty looking fleas. Before he places glass vessel in pocket, he holds it at such an angle those Audience members with opera glasses can read the text in the label: Top Secret Evil Nano-Flea projeckt. Client: SPECTRE (crossed out) Mallory (also crossed out) Safin)

    Annoying Little Alchemist: now I am ready, let us depart.


    also, may I request that the mysterious bubbling green pools in Safin's headquarters be referred to specifically as CessPools? this would actually explain their relevance to the plot better than the film did. and of course these CessPools should also be crawling with rats and fleas.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,451Chief of Staff

    Yes, that's excellent! I'll write it up later, maybe tomorrow. 😃

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