It was hilarious when Dennis did his "Milky Milky" bit on "The Now Show" but used it against Michael Gove - "Govey Govey". The studio audience howled, as did at least one listener.
The household of Hervé Villechaize. Hervé is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his worried agent looks on, concernedly.
Agent: Oh sit down, Hervé, why don’t you?
Hervé: Sit down? I cannot sit down!
Agent: Look, just relax and -
Hervé: Relax? Sacre bleu! How can I relax?
Agent: Just sit and I’ll get you a nice glass of wine and -
Hervé: Wine? How can I think of wine at a time like this?
Agent: A time like what? Nothing is happening!
Hervé: Nom d’un nom, that is just it- nothing is happening!
Agent: What should be happening, Hervé?
Hervé: That telephone there, it should be ringing.
Agent: What, do you think another of those girls will be calling you and -
Hervé: No, no, not a girl – Monsieur Broccoli from the James Bond films! That is who should be calling.
Agent: And why should he be calling you at this moment?
Hervé: Call yourself an agent?
Agent: Well, I did get you that part in “Fantasy island”.
Hervé: Mais oui, and such a part it is- all one has to do is jump up and down, point at the sky and shout “The plane! The plane!”
Agent: Easy money, I would have thought.
Hervé: But boring – oh so boring! It is not like when I was with James Bond.
(The agent puts on a “here we go again” face.)
Hervé: We had the best of everything. The best food, the best hotels, the best girls.
Agent: But Hervé -
Hervé: Not like this television show. They are so cheap! They even make Mr Roarke wear one of Scaramanga’s old suits they bought second-hand.
Agent: Now Hervé -
Hervé: And I know that they are starting to film the next James Bond movie very soon, “The Spy Who Loved Me” it is called.
Agent: And you think they will call you back to be in this one?
Hervé: They must! After all, I did not die in “The Man With The Golden Gun” – the last you see is me tied to the mast of a ship.
Agent: Junk.
Hervé: Non, c’est vrai!
Agent: I mean, it’s called a junk, not a ship.
Hervé: Ah, okay. Anyway, I believe that there is a henchman in this movie and I want to play that henchman.
Agent: What’s he called?
Hervé: He’s called Jaws. I am perfect for that part!
Agent: Jaws? Listen, Hervé, Jaws is over seven -
(The telephone rings. Hervé flies over the sofa and grabs it.)
Hervé: Hello? …. Yes, it is I …. What? … Filming next week? Be there on Monday at 9.00am? …Yes, I will do that …Goodbye.
(He hangs up. The agent leans over.)
Agent: Well? Are you to play Jaws then?
Hervé: No. But I am in another series of “Fantasy Island”!
2025 (Optimist that I am…) Eon HQ, in the best hotel in Miami. Barbara, Michael, and Gregg are interviewing for their next Bond director.
BB: Are you sure about this guy, Gregg?
Gregg: Oh yes, he’s done some big films and has been nominated for Oscars more than once.
MGW: All right, let’s have a look at him. (Presses button on intercom.) Send the next candidate in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, Mr Wilson.
(The door opens and a dark-haired bearded man enters.)
BB: Have a seat, please, Mr Mangold.
James: Oh, call me James please.
MGW: Ah, that sounds familiar. Now, my son here tells me you’ve been making some good films.
James: That’s very kind of you to say so.
BB: However, your Indiana Jones movie didn’t make much money.
James: Ah, well –
MGW: In fact, it was a huge disaster. Cost Disney millions.
James: I blame it on the actor playing the villain.
Gregg: Can't be, we've had him playing the villain and that film made millions rather than lose them.
James: I’m sure it will make that money back with home media sales and so on.
BB: It’s not exactly what we want to hear, though – “latest instalment of established series flops completely at the box office”.
James: In my defence, most of the budget went on making Harrison Ford look about 40 again, rather than 80.
Gregg: I thought that was quite convincing. Hey, Dad, if you had this in the 1980s you could have kept Roger Moore for longer!
James: Never thought about that – I suppose so.
MGW: Yes, well, we’ve been having a read at this script you’ve sent us.
James: Oh yes?
BB: And we have a few comments. Firstly, we are quite well aware that James Bond has an unparalleled track record of dodging bullets fired by legions of bad guys and their henchmen and mooks.
James: Yes, for many, many years now.
MGW: However, we don’t want to draw attention to it by having him possess unnatural healing abilities.
James: You don’t?
BB: We don’t. And audiences everywhere expect him to use a Walther PPK to kill those bad guys with, not extensible claws attached to an adamantium skeleton.
James: You sure?
MGW: We’re sure. Also we most certainly can have a car chase, so we’re happy that you wrote one in.
James: Ah, good.
BB: It’s just that said car chase can’t last for 24 hours.
James: Aw.
MGW: And at the end of the film we usually like a big fight scene, preferably with high stakes, involving Bond and the villain.
James: Yes, but you see –
BB: We don’t want Bond to whip out a guitar and do a big concert, singing well-known songs so the audience leave happy.
James: Well, I think –
MGW: And you can’t have Hugh Jackman as Bond.
James: But why not? I’m pretty sure Hugh can play the guitar for the big concert scene at the end.
BB: Look, we’re not having Hugh Jackman and that’s that.
James: You wanted him to play Bond twenty years ago!
Gregg: That’s exactly it. Twenty years ago – he’s too old now.
James: He’s no older than Daniel Cr… Hey, why is Ms Broccoli crying?
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 28,215Chief of Staff
🤣🤣
Could have also have pitched having all the previous Bonds stuck in a hotel during a storm while a serial killer picks them off one-by-one as they try to reveal the serial killers identity…as in his film, Identity 🤭
The Making Of “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” Diaries
Monday:
George Lazenby – First day! Peter said I was to come into a room and get into a fight with some wrestler bloke. Naturally I was to win, being James Bond and all. It was harder than I thought but eventually I did win. Peter yelled “Cut!” which I suppose was because the other fella was bleeding.
Peter Hunt – George is really throwing himself into the part. I have to take him to the side and explain that it’s only a movie and he doesn’t really have to punch so hard. Yuri Borienko’s nose was broken and I had to tell him that he’d get double pay to stop him from tearing George limb from limb. I promised him I’d cut down on their scenes together as much as I could.
-------------------------
Tuesday:
George Lazenby – Love scene today. That Diana bint is one fine piece of gear! I can see she’s not really acting when we’re kissing and that, I reckon I’m in there.
Peter Hunt – Diana asked me if I could cut down on the scenes she has to do with George because she doesn’t think she can take much more of him. I told her I sympathised, but since their story is pretty much what the movie’s all about and they get married at the end of it there wasn’t much I could do. She sighed and said she’d just have to order more garlic. I don’t know what that was about.
-----------------------------
Wednesday:
George Lazenby – I was talking to some of the Sheilas and I may possibly have said something about Ilse Steppat, but I think I got away with it.
Peter Hunt – I really should be at the United Nations instead of directing films. I had to calm poor Ilse down after George called her an “ugly old cow” and stop her from walking straight off the movie. I assured her I’d cut down on her scenes with him as much as I could.
------------------------
Thursday:
George Lazenby – Mr Broccoli was on set today. He watched some of the filming then got chatting with Peter. He must be pleased with me because I saw him give a big smile at one point.
Peter Hunt – Cubby was livid when he heard George doing some of the dialogue today. He wanted to know why he had spent all that money on elocution lessons for him. I told him that I’d be dubbing over him with George Baker’s voice as much as I could get away with, and he smiled happily.
-------------------------
Friday:
George Lazenby – This acting lark isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Dead easy. Just read a few lines and walk across a room.
Peter Hunt – Going straight to bed tonight. I had to do 27 takes of George just saying “My name is Bond. James Bond” before he got it right.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 28,215Chief of Staff
2025. Mission: Impossible HQ, on a train in Austria. Tom Cruise and director Christopher McQuarrie are interviewing writers for their next movie “Mission Impossible: This Time It’s Personal”.
Tom: Are you sure about these guys, Christopher?
Christopher: Well, they’ve been writing this kind of stuff for over twenty years now.
Tom: I don’t know ….
Christopher: They’ve had some big successes.
Tom: Well, let’s have a look at them anyway. (Presses button on intercom.) Send the next candidates in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Certainly, Mr Cruise.
(The door opens and Neal Purvis & Robert Wade enter.)
Christopher: Have a seat, gentlemen, please.
Purvis/Wade: Thank you. (They sit.)
Christopher: I must say that Tom and I were quite surprised to find you two applying to us to write the next “Mission: Impossible” movie.
Wade: Well, we’re getting fidgety waiting on Barb … er, our last employers actually making a film.
Tom: Now, gentlemen, Mr McQuarrie and I have been having a look through this script you’ve sent us.
Purvis: Oh yes?
Christopher: And we have a few comments to make.
Wade: Such as?
Tom: Well, I don’t know if I’m all that keen on having all of Ethan Hunt’s friends on the team be killed off and then Ethan himself be blown up by missiles on an island off Japan at the end.
Purvis: You don’t like that?
Christopher: The only way we could pull that off is if we slapped “Part One” at the end of the title so audiences knew he’d be back in Part Two.
Wade: Ah, right.
Tom: Especially if that Part Two were released within a fairly short length of time.
Purvis: Not eight years or more?
Christopher: Definitely not. We think that would be a terrible idea. We also most definitely do not like that Ethan should find out that the main villain is in fact his brother.
Wade: Foster brother.
Tom: Audiences won’t worry about little details like that. No foster brothers, symbolic mothers, best friend deaths, childhood house blowing up, intended wife being tragically killed, unexpected children ….
Purvis/Wade: Aw.
Tom: We think those are stupid ideas and will only lead to us tangling ourselves up in the plot later.
Tom: Oh yes, they’re very good, but why do you always have a little pause just before the stunt actually begins?
Purvis: That’s so you can be replaced with a stuntman. We always do that.
Christopher: Have you seen any of the films in this series? One of our selling points is that Tom here does the stunts himself, no matter how crazy and dangerous they may seem.
Wade: And you want to continue doing that?
Tom: As long as I’m able.
Purvis: Right, then you see this scene here involving the chair without a seat and a length of rope? Do you think you –
Barbel: Oh, I'm stuck, I can't think of an Imaginary Conversation to write.
Bride Of Barbel: Do someone pacing up and down.
Barbel: Not time for that yet.
Bride: How about a famous director or writer applying to Eon for a job?
Barbel: Just done that.
Bride: Then how about flipping that round? Someone from Eon, let's say Purvis & Wade, are applying to some other spy film series like Mission: Impossible, for a job? Just do things the other way round.
Barbel: Honey, that's brilliant! I'll do that right away.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 28,215Chief of Staff
CHB, at least we wouldn’t kill off any beloved characters or find unexpected relatives. Bond isn't a soap opera, much as the recent films want it to be.
Police officer: I’m afraid there’s not much to go on, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Let me see …. You are correct, not much here. One thing is for sure, though.
Police officer: And what’s that?
Benoit: He had plenty of guts.
Somewhere in the USA
Police Officer: We found this body beside a railroad track.
Benoit: And where is the other arm?
Police Office: That’s all we have.
Benoit: Hmmm… It would appear someone has been disarming.
Egypt
Police officer: The body was found here, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Ah ... The victim fell from a great height, obviously from that roof up there. But his fingers have residue of a fabric commonly used in ties, though not his own tie. How peculiar .....
Jodrell Bank telescope.
Astronomer: And if you look in here, please, Monsieur Blanc?
Benoit: I don’t see anything. Oh wait, this would appear to be the body of a multi-millionaire orbiting the Earth.
Astronomer: That is so.
Benoit: Hmmm…..
India
Police Officer: We have left the body exactly as it was found, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: What? You mean this octopus was on his face the way it is now, just like on John Hurt in “Alien”?
Police Officer: That is so.
Benoit: Hmmm….
Somewhere off Japan
Navy Officer: We have left the remains exactly as we found them, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Some limbs, as if missiles had landed on top of them … A child’s cuddly toy … No, this makes no sense whatsoever.
Police officer: We have left everything exactly as we found it, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Let me see … A body in a car … A pin with a dove emblem … A hefty footprint on the car door …
Police Officer: Can you tell who is behind this?
Benoit: Hmmm….
San Francisco Bay
Police Officer: This body washed ashore yesterday, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: A male in his late thirties … Blond hair … Very expensive clothes … It would seem that he fell from a great height such as, oh let me see, a tall bridge before landing in the water.
Police officer: Do you have any ideas?
Benoit: Hmmm….
Somewhere near Isthmus City
Police Officer: I’m afraid there’s not much to go on, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: A badly burnt man … Strong smell of petrol … Crashed petrol tankers all over the area …. Bullet-ridden bodies not far away …
Police Officer: Do you have any ideas?
Benoit: Hmmm….
Somewhere in North Africa
Police Officer: We have left everything exactly as we found it, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Let me see … A large, bulky man with a broken neck, no doubt caused by being attached to several barrels …
Police Officer: Yes, he was found as you can see beside a railway line. Do you have any ideas?
Benoit: Hmmm…
Somewhere off Japan:
Navy Officer: Look, Monsieur Blanc, we have found some more.
Benoit: More? As well as the child’s cuddly toy?
Navy officer: Yes, look.
Benoit: A pair of underpants labelled, it is hard to make out, something something seven … Remains of a gun, I think it is a Walther PPK … No, I don’t understand this at all. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 28,215Chief of Staff
Thank you, gents, but I think that's enough of that for the moment. However, I see that we are about to turn a page and you know what that means. Someone somewhere somewhen is pacing back and forth, and this one was suggested by @CoolHandBond ....
Comments
Ah, you spotted that! 😁
I'm creating a fantasy here, and only using a real life person as inspiration, a launching point to see where things end up.
You left out Steve Punt and Rob Newman 👀
It was hilarious when Dennis did his "Milky Milky" bit on "The Now Show" but used it against Michael Gove - "Govey Govey". The studio audience howled, as did at least one listener.
I was trying to remember their names, my ageing brain wasn’t working 🤣
I didn’t see that - wish I had!
And one more inspiration for Miss Snowflake -
Try hearing Eric Idle's "posh lady" voice when reading Miss Snowflake's words.
1977
The household of Hervé Villechaize. Hervé is pacing back and forth, never getting too far away from the telephone, while his worried agent looks on, concernedly.
Agent: Oh sit down, Hervé, why don’t you?
Hervé: Sit down? I cannot sit down!
Agent: Look, just relax and -
Hervé: Relax? Sacre bleu! How can I relax?
Agent: Just sit and I’ll get you a nice glass of wine and -
Hervé: Wine? How can I think of wine at a time like this?
Agent: A time like what? Nothing is happening!
Hervé: Nom d’un nom, that is just it- nothing is happening!
Agent: What should be happening, Hervé?
Hervé: That telephone there, it should be ringing.
Agent: What, do you think another of those girls will be calling you and -
Hervé: No, no, not a girl – Monsieur Broccoli from the James Bond films! That is who should be calling.
Agent: And why should he be calling you at this moment?
Hervé: Call yourself an agent?
Agent: Well, I did get you that part in “Fantasy island”.
Hervé: Mais oui, and such a part it is- all one has to do is jump up and down, point at the sky and shout “The plane! The plane!”
Agent: Easy money, I would have thought.
Hervé: But boring – oh so boring! It is not like when I was with James Bond.
(The agent puts on a “here we go again” face.)
Hervé: We had the best of everything. The best food, the best hotels, the best girls.
Agent: But Hervé -
Hervé: Not like this television show. They are so cheap! They even make Mr Roarke wear one of Scaramanga’s old suits they bought second-hand.
Agent: Now Hervé -
Hervé: And I know that they are starting to film the next James Bond movie very soon, “The Spy Who Loved Me” it is called.
Agent: And you think they will call you back to be in this one?
Hervé: They must! After all, I did not die in “The Man With The Golden Gun” – the last you see is me tied to the mast of a ship.
Agent: Junk.
Hervé: Non, c’est vrai!
Agent: I mean, it’s called a junk, not a ship.
Hervé: Ah, okay. Anyway, I believe that there is a henchman in this movie and I want to play that henchman.
Agent: What’s he called?
Hervé: He’s called Jaws. I am perfect for that part!
Agent: Jaws? Listen, Hervé, Jaws is over seven -
(The telephone rings. Hervé flies over the sofa and grabs it.)
Hervé: Hello? …. Yes, it is I …. What? … Filming next week? Be there on Monday at 9.00am? …Yes, I will do that …Goodbye.
(He hangs up. The agent leans over.)
Agent: Well? Are you to play Jaws then?
Hervé: No. But I am in another series of “Fantasy Island”!
Shamefully I should have mentioned that CoolHandBond suggested the above, and the Bride helped with the pics.
Looks like they bought another of Scaramanga’s old suits and put it on a boil wash 🤭
My input was only the suggestion of using Herve, everything else was the work of Barbel and The Bride.
2025 (Optimist that I am…) Eon HQ, in the best hotel in Miami. Barbara, Michael, and Gregg are interviewing for their next Bond director.
BB: Are you sure about this guy, Gregg?
Gregg: Oh yes, he’s done some big films and has been nominated for Oscars more than once.
MGW: All right, let’s have a look at him. (Presses button on intercom.) Send the next candidate in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, Mr Wilson.
(The door opens and a dark-haired bearded man enters.)
BB: Have a seat, please, Mr Mangold.
James: Oh, call me James please.
MGW: Ah, that sounds familiar. Now, my son here tells me you’ve been making some good films.
James: That’s very kind of you to say so.
BB: However, your Indiana Jones movie didn’t make much money.
James: Ah, well –
MGW: In fact, it was a huge disaster. Cost Disney millions.
James: I blame it on the actor playing the villain.
Gregg: Can't be, we've had him playing the villain and that film made millions rather than lose them.
James: I’m sure it will make that money back with home media sales and so on.
BB: It’s not exactly what we want to hear, though – “latest instalment of established series flops completely at the box office”.
James: In my defence, most of the budget went on making Harrison Ford look about 40 again, rather than 80.
Gregg: I thought that was quite convincing. Hey, Dad, if you had this in the 1980s you could have kept Roger Moore for longer!
James: Never thought about that – I suppose so.
MGW: Yes, well, we’ve been having a read at this script you’ve sent us.
James: Oh yes?
BB: And we have a few comments. Firstly, we are quite well aware that James Bond has an unparalleled track record of dodging bullets fired by legions of bad guys and their henchmen and mooks.
James: Yes, for many, many years now.
MGW: However, we don’t want to draw attention to it by having him possess unnatural healing abilities.
James: You don’t?
BB: We don’t. And audiences everywhere expect him to use a Walther PPK to kill those bad guys with, not extensible claws attached to an adamantium skeleton.
James: You sure?
MGW: We’re sure. Also we most certainly can have a car chase, so we’re happy that you wrote one in.
James: Ah, good.
BB: It’s just that said car chase can’t last for 24 hours.
James: Aw.
MGW: And at the end of the film we usually like a big fight scene, preferably with high stakes, involving Bond and the villain.
James: Yes, but you see –
BB: We don’t want Bond to whip out a guitar and do a big concert, singing well-known songs so the audience leave happy.
James: Well, I think –
MGW: And you can’t have Hugh Jackman as Bond.
James: But why not? I’m pretty sure Hugh can play the guitar for the big concert scene at the end.
BB: Look, we’re not having Hugh Jackman and that’s that.
James: You wanted him to play Bond twenty years ago!
Gregg: That’s exactly it. Twenty years ago – he’s too old now.
James: He’s no older than Daniel Cr… Hey, why is Ms Broccoli crying?
🤣🤣
Could have also have pitched having all the previous Bonds stuck in a hotel during a storm while a serial killer picks them off one-by-one as they try to reveal the serial killers identity…as in his film, Identity 🤭
Indy is the only movie I’ve seen from the above (I must get out more) but I get the sketch - as good as usual 😁😂
Thank you, guys.
1969
The Making Of “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” Diaries
Monday:
George Lazenby – First day! Peter said I was to come into a room and get into a fight with some wrestler bloke. Naturally I was to win, being James Bond and all. It was harder than I thought but eventually I did win. Peter yelled “Cut!” which I suppose was because the other fella was bleeding.
Peter Hunt – George is really throwing himself into the part. I have to take him to the side and explain that it’s only a movie and he doesn’t really have to punch so hard. Yuri Borienko’s nose was broken and I had to tell him that he’d get double pay to stop him from tearing George limb from limb. I promised him I’d cut down on their scenes together as much as I could.
-------------------------
Tuesday:
George Lazenby – Love scene today. That Diana bint is one fine piece of gear! I can see she’s not really acting when we’re kissing and that, I reckon I’m in there.
Peter Hunt – Diana asked me if I could cut down on the scenes she has to do with George because she doesn’t think she can take much more of him. I told her I sympathised, but since their story is pretty much what the movie’s all about and they get married at the end of it there wasn’t much I could do. She sighed and said she’d just have to order more garlic. I don’t know what that was about.
-----------------------------
Wednesday:
George Lazenby – I was talking to some of the Sheilas and I may possibly have said something about Ilse Steppat, but I think I got away with it.
Peter Hunt – I really should be at the United Nations instead of directing films. I had to calm poor Ilse down after George called her an “ugly old cow” and stop her from walking straight off the movie. I assured her I’d cut down on her scenes with him as much as I could.
------------------------
Thursday:
George Lazenby – Mr Broccoli was on set today. He watched some of the filming then got chatting with Peter. He must be pleased with me because I saw him give a big smile at one point.
Peter Hunt – Cubby was livid when he heard George doing some of the dialogue today. He wanted to know why he had spent all that money on elocution lessons for him. I told him that I’d be dubbing over him with George Baker’s voice as much as I could get away with, and he smiled happily.
-------------------------
Friday:
George Lazenby – This acting lark isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Dead easy. Just read a few lines and walk across a room.
Peter Hunt – Going straight to bed tonight. I had to do 27 takes of George just saying “My name is Bond. James Bond” before he got it right.
Poor old Peter 🤣🤣🤣🤣
This is one of the Conversations that feel documentary and are very funny because of it. 😁
How can you take the Arthur Bliss out of poor George? Disgraceful work today, Barbel, but bloody funny 😂🤣👏
Thank you all, gentlemen.
2025. Mission: Impossible HQ, on a train in Austria. Tom Cruise and director Christopher McQuarrie are interviewing writers for their next movie “Mission Impossible: This Time It’s Personal”.
Tom: Are you sure about these guys, Christopher?
Christopher: Well, they’ve been writing this kind of stuff for over twenty years now.
Tom: I don’t know ….
Christopher: They’ve had some big successes.
Tom: Well, let’s have a look at them anyway. (Presses button on intercom.) Send the next candidates in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Certainly, Mr Cruise.
(The door opens and Neal Purvis & Robert Wade enter.)
Christopher: Have a seat, gentlemen, please.
Purvis/Wade: Thank you. (They sit.)
Christopher: I must say that Tom and I were quite surprised to find you two applying to us to write the next “Mission: Impossible” movie.
Wade: Well, we’re getting fidgety waiting on Barb … er, our last employers actually making a film.
Tom: Now, gentlemen, Mr McQuarrie and I have been having a look through this script you’ve sent us.
Purvis: Oh yes?
Christopher: And we have a few comments to make.
Wade: Such as?
Tom: Well, I don’t know if I’m all that keen on having all of Ethan Hunt’s friends on the team be killed off and then Ethan himself be blown up by missiles on an island off Japan at the end.
Purvis: You don’t like that?
Christopher: The only way we could pull that off is if we slapped “Part One” at the end of the title so audiences knew he’d be back in Part Two.
Wade: Ah, right.
Tom: Especially if that Part Two were released within a fairly short length of time.
Purvis: Not eight years or more?
Christopher: Definitely not. We think that would be a terrible idea. We also most definitely do not like that Ethan should find out that the main villain is in fact his brother.
Wade: Foster brother.
Tom: Audiences won’t worry about little details like that. No foster brothers, symbolic mothers, best friend deaths, childhood house blowing up, intended wife being tragically killed, unexpected children ….
Purvis/Wade: Aw.
Tom: We think those are stupid ideas and will only lead to us tangling ourselves up in the plot later.
Purvis: Right.
Christopher: It’s totally unnecessary. (All right, I'll stop now. Barbel)
Wade: Did you like the stunt sequences?
Tom: Oh yes, they’re very good, but why do you always have a little pause just before the stunt actually begins?
Purvis: That’s so you can be replaced with a stuntman. We always do that.
Christopher: Have you seen any of the films in this series? One of our selling points is that Tom here does the stunts himself, no matter how crazy and dangerous they may seem.
Wade: And you want to continue doing that?
Tom: As long as I’m able.
Purvis: Right, then you see this scene here involving the chair without a seat and a length of rope? Do you think you –
Tom: Out! Get out of here now!
And for full disclosure....
Barbel: Oh, I'm stuck, I can't think of an Imaginary Conversation to write.
Bride Of Barbel: Do someone pacing up and down.
Barbel: Not time for that yet.
Bride: How about a famous director or writer applying to Eon for a job?
Barbel: Just done that.
Bride: Then how about flipping that round? Someone from Eon, let's say Purvis & Wade, are applying to some other spy film series like Mission: Impossible, for a job? Just do things the other way round.
Barbel: Honey, that's brilliant! I'll do that right away.
Another good one 🤣
And the power behind the man 👀👏🏻
Very good 😂🤣
I wish Barbel and Bride were writing the new Bond movie 😁
Thank you very much, guys.
CHB, at least we wouldn’t kill off any beloved characters or find unexpected relatives. Bond isn't a soap opera, much as the recent films want it to be.
Written by Number24 and Barbel
The Investigations of Benoit Blanc
Switzerland
Police officer: I’m afraid there’s not much to go on, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Let me see …. You are correct, not much here. One thing is for sure, though.
Police officer: And what’s that?
Benoit: He had plenty of guts.
Somewhere in the USA
Police Officer: We found this body beside a railroad track.
Benoit: And where is the other arm?
Police Office: That’s all we have.
Benoit: Hmmm… It would appear someone has been disarming.
Egypt
Police officer: The body was found here, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Ah ... The victim fell from a great height, obviously from that roof up there. But his fingers have residue of a fabric commonly used in ties, though not his own tie. How peculiar .....
Jodrell Bank telescope.
Astronomer: And if you look in here, please, Monsieur Blanc?
Benoit: I don’t see anything. Oh wait, this would appear to be the body of a multi-millionaire orbiting the Earth.
Astronomer: That is so.
Benoit: Hmmm…..
India
Police Officer: We have left the body exactly as it was found, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: What? You mean this octopus was on his face the way it is now, just like on John Hurt in “Alien”?
Police Officer: That is so.
Benoit: Hmmm….
Somewhere off Japan
Navy Officer: We have left the remains exactly as we found them, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Some limbs, as if missiles had landed on top of them … A child’s cuddly toy … No, this makes no sense whatsoever.
I can only read this by imagining Benoit’s dodgy accent 😂
You should have sent Benoit to find a missing script 🤣🤣
Good one, guys 👏🏻😁
Thank you very much, and I'm sure Number24 thanks you too. More shortly....
Number24 and Barbel have found
More from The Investigations Of Benoit Blanc
Greece
Police officer: We have left everything exactly as we found it, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Let me see … A body in a car … A pin with a dove emblem … A hefty footprint on the car door …
Police Officer: Can you tell who is behind this?
Benoit: Hmmm….
San Francisco Bay
Police Officer: This body washed ashore yesterday, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: A male in his late thirties … Blond hair … Very expensive clothes … It would seem that he fell from a great height such as, oh let me see, a tall bridge before landing in the water.
Police officer: Do you have any ideas?
Benoit: Hmmm….
Somewhere near Isthmus City
Police Officer: I’m afraid there’s not much to go on, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: A badly burnt man … Strong smell of petrol … Crashed petrol tankers all over the area …. Bullet-ridden bodies not far away …
Police Officer: Do you have any ideas?
Benoit: Hmmm….
Somewhere in North Africa
Police Officer: We have left everything exactly as we found it, Monsieur Blanc.
Benoit: Let me see … A large, bulky man with a broken neck, no doubt caused by being attached to several barrels …
Police Officer: Yes, he was found as you can see beside a railway line. Do you have any ideas?
Benoit: Hmmm…
Somewhere off Japan:
Navy Officer: Look, Monsieur Blanc, we have found some more.
Benoit: More? As well as the child’s cuddly toy?
Navy officer: Yes, look.
Benoit: A pair of underpants labelled, it is hard to make out, something something seven … Remains of a gun, I think it is a Walther PPK … No, I don’t understand this at all. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Looks like Benoit is in for a busy time 🤣
Benoit is as ageless as pre-Craig Bond
Thank you, gents, but I think that's enough of that for the moment. However, I see that we are about to turn a page and you know what that means. Someone somewhere somewhen is pacing back and forth, and this one was suggested by @CoolHandBond ....