Imaginary conversations

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  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,555MI6 Agent

    I apriciate all the work you're doing on this, Barbel, both real and imaginary. It's also nice of you to give Bride of Barbel a cameo, or as I like to call her - Barbelella 😆

  • HigginsHiggins GermanyPosts: 16,353MI6 Agent

    Barbel, you can‘t leave us alone here!


    Those imaginary conversations have been brightening my days though I only understood 30% of the references and in-jokes.


    Thanks for having started them and please continue ❤️

    President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

    Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    Thank you for the kind words, gentlemen. Of course there will be more conversations (in fact, one is in the pipeline right now in collaboration with CHB and C&D) but I'm stepping back from the one per day schedule.

    Once again I encourage you and everyone else to please ask a question in the Interview thread.

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,044MI6 Agent

    Present day. The offices of Universal Exports.

    Two men sit in an oak-panelled room overlooking, in the distance, Trafalgar Square. The senior of the two sits at a leather-topped desk, absently filling his pipe from a bowl of tobacco hewn from the base of a naval gun shell. Standing in front of him is his Quartermaster, mid-briefing.

    Q: I’ve been saying for years, sir, that our equipment is obsolete. And now computer analysis reveals an entirely new approach: miniaturisation. (Q reaches into the voluminous pocket of his tweed jacket and removes a small, transparent box containing what appears to be navel fluff. He places it on M’s desk). For instance, radioactive lint. When placed in an opponent´s pockets... (he pauses to demonstrate to the man seated in front of him, the head of the British Secret Service) ...the anti-personnel and location fix seems obvious.

    M: What we want is a location fix on Barbel. AJB´s making ugly noises about this Imaginary Conversations thread. Number 24 has stopped measuring vital statistics in search of the perfect woman, and Higgins is threatening to post in the ‘Not so short lived non argumentative political thread’ again. And as for Napoleon Plural… well. (M leans over and presses a button on his intercom). Miss Moneypenny, did you check with Communications?

    Moneypenny (consulting her pad with one elegantly poised pencil): Replies to our SABG enquiries: negative, sir. Also the offie, the curry house, the recording studio, and all the music venues within a fifty mile radius: all negative, sir.

    M: C&D and CHB want to be informed personally when we find him.

    (We see a section of coastline, along which a beautiful 1969 Aston Martin coasts at leisurely speed. The occupant leans over a bass guitar on the passenger seat towards a flat gunmetal cigarette case and withdraws a cigarette with three gold rings. As he does so, a sleek red Mercury Cougar blasts past him, its horn blaring. The Aston’s occupant gives chase, finally bearing down on the Cougar, from which steps a young man bearing a trumpet in one hand and an orchestral baton in the other.)

    Barbel: Good morning! My name´s Bel - Bar Bel. Mr… Ringham?

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    PMSL!!!!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 3,850MI6 Agent

    Fantastic, C&D 😂😂

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    1973 (Ross Kananga's Crocodile Farm. The sign reads "Trespassers Will Be Eaten".)


    Guy Hamilton: ....so, Roger, Tee Hee is standing on the bridge, which will slowly be winched back by Adam, leaving you alone on this tiny little island. You try to use 007's magnetic watch to bring that boat over there close enough to help you escape, but it's tied up. The crocodiles and alligators are getting closer and closer, and you can only see one way out- you're going to jump on the backs of these crocodiles between you and the mainland and then-

    Roger: Please, Guy, stop right there. Did you say "jump on the back of these crocodiles"?

    Guy: Yes, that's right. They're going to be lined up just here and you-

    Roger: Ah, I think I see the problem. You're assuming that I'm actually going to do this.

    Guy: Well, I was hoping that I would get this wonderful shot of you leaping over the crocs to safety.

    Roger: Hope is a wonderful thing, Guy, but I have only one thing to say.

    Guy: What's that?

    Roger: Bob Simmons!

    Guy: Call for Bob Simmons! Get Bob Simmons!

    (Bob Simmons walks over.)

    Bob: Yes, Guy, what is it?

    Guy: I need this shot of Bond leaping over the backs of these crocodiles, between the tiny island he's standing on and the shore. I want to-

    Bob: Crocs? Leaping? Are you crazy? No way am I going to do that!

    Guy: But Bob, you're our stuntman and you have to-

    Bob: It is not going to happen. Fire me if you like, Guy.

    (Guy looks over at Harry and Cubby, who shake their heads.)

    Guy: No-one's going to fire you, Bob. I just need someone to do this scene.

    (Ross Kananga walks over.)

    Ross: You want someone to jump over the backs of these crocs? Well, they're MY crocs- I'll do it.

    Guy: Great!

    Ross: Cost you, though.

    Guy: How much?

    Ross: A million. Cash.

    (Guy looks over at Cubby and Harry, who nod.)

    Guy: You've got it. Let's get the shot.

    Ross: Fine: I'll just get these safety ropes organised either side of the crocs that I can grab if I fall in.

    Guy: Safety ropes? No, Ross, the shot has to match Bond on the island. You can't have safety ropes.

    Ross: I see. Make that five million.

    (Harry and Cubby confer, then nod to Guy.)

    Guy: All right, let's get shooting. If you'll just wear these trousers and shoes like Roger was wearing-

    Ross: Are you kidding? I'm going to be wearing massive iron-lined safety boots!

    Guy: No, you have to wear what Roger was wearing.

    Ross: Okay... it'll have to be ten million.

    Guy: Ten million dollars?

    Ross: Pounds.

    (Guy looks over at the producers who are deep in conversation. Eventually, Cubby looks over and gives a reluctant nod.)

    Bob: Ten million? I take back what I said earlier, I'll do it for ten million!

    Roger: Never mind you, dear boy, I'LL do it for ten million pounds!

    Cubby: Roger, you don't need ten million pounds.

    Roger: Maybe not right now- but it means I won't have to do A View To A Kill for you in twelve years time!

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,044MI6 Agent

    😂😂😂 Well I'm glad he didn't then, AVTAK is excellent!

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    We had just finished writing this last night, and the sad news of Yaphet Kotto's passing came in this morning. Of all the many tributes which will be paid to him, ours is no doubt the least but no less sincere for all that.

    Barbel, CoolHandBond, Charmed & Dangerous



     1973 (The Royal Premiere of “Live And Let Die”.)


    (The Royal Limousine.)

    The Queen: Now, don’t be nervous, Anne, dear.

    Anne: I’m not nervous.

    The Queen: And don’t be afraid.

    Anne: I’m not afraid or nervous, Mother.

    The Duke: And don’t be frightened, either.

    Anne: I’m not nervous OR afraid OR frightened.

    The Queen: Well, I am. One has seen the publicity for this James Bond film and one is nervous and afraid and frightened that your father will say something inappropriate.

    The Duke: Oh really, Liz, have I ever-

    The Queen: Yes you have, Philip. And it would never do for the Royal family to be accused of racism.

    The Duke: Racism? Us?

    The Queen: Well, some of us…

    The Duke: The person isn’t born who could accuse us of racism!

    Anne: Very much not. Well, not for a few years, anyway.

    The Queen: Anne, did you bring that item I suggested, just in case your father does put his foot in it?

    Anne: Yes, Mother, right here in my handbag.

    The Duke: What? What are you talking about?

    The Queen: Just behave yourself, Philip, and you won’t find out.


    (Outside the theatre.)

    Harry: I hope they like it, Cubby. We took a big gamble with this Saint feller. I can’t understand why Sean didn’t want to do another one.

    Cubby: Something about the fact that you and Sean didn’t speak a word to each other on the last one, and he put a clause in his contract that you weren’t allowed on set, and you tore it up and went to his trailer, and he kissed you on the forehead, so you stormed off?

    Harry: Yeah, I just don’t get why he wouldn’t want to do another one.

    Cubby: Ah, here they are now.

    (The Queen and family emerge from the Royal limousine and are met by Harry and Cubby.)


    Cubby: This is our new James Bond, Mr Roger Moore.

    The Duke: What happened to the Aussie?

    Roger: Oh, he only lasted for one movie.

    The Duke: That never happened to the other feller!

    The Queen: Did it take long to accept the role, Mr Moore?

    Roger: Oh, no, the producers are very good persuaders.

    Anne: (Whispers to the Queen.) He looks rather dapper, don’t you think?

    The Queen: He’d look good in anything, even a cardigan or jumper!


    Harry: This is our lovely leading lady, Miss Jane Seymour.

    The Queen: Good evening, Miss Seymour. What a lovely name – you are no doubt aware that one’s ancestors included a Jane Seymour?

    Jane: Good evening, Your Majesty. Yes, I am very much aware of that, it’s why I chose this as my stage name.

    Anne: What kind of part do you play, Miss Seymour?

    Jane: I play a tarot reader. I read cards, and predict that Bond will be coming.

    The Duke: He’s not the only one!

    The Queen: Philip! Right Anne, help me here.

    (Anne produces a roll of duct tape from her handbag, and the Queen quickly tapes up the Duke’s mouth.)

    The Duke: Mff! Mff!

    The Queen: Now you just be quiet till we get home. You will remember that the last Jane Seymour who tangled with a monarch got off lightly – you might not be so lucky, Philip, if you keep this up.


    Cubby: This is Mr Yaphet Kotto, who plays our main villain.

    The Queen: Good evening, Mr Kotto.

    The Duke: Mff!

    Yaphet: Good evening, ma’am.

    Anne: What films might one have seen you in, Mr Kotto?

    Yaphet: Perhaps “Across 110th Street”, ma'am, with Anthony Quinn.

    The Queen: Ah yes, fine actor- for a Greek fellow.

    The Duke: Mff! Mfff!


    Harry: And this is Mr Julius Harris, who plays another of the villains.

    Anne: And which part do you play, Mr Harris?

    The Duke: Mfff! Mfff! Mfff!

    Julius: Tee Hee, ma’am.

    The Queen: Well, I suppose it is a bit funny. I’ll take it off him soon, if he behaves.


    Cubby: This is another of the love interests, Miss Gloria Hendry.

    The Duke: Mffff!

    The Queen: How lovely you look, Miss Hendry.

    Gloria: Thank you, ma’am.

    The Queen: (Aside.) Now, Philip, I’ll take that tape off if you promise to watch what you’re saying, all right?

    (The Duke nods, and the Queen rips the tape off.)

    The Duke: Ow!! That hurts like buggery!

    The Queen: All right, I’ll allow you that one.


    Harry: This is Mr Geoffrey Holder, who worked on the choreography as well as starring as another of our villains.

    The Queen: Good evening, Mr Holder.

    Geoffrey: Good evening, Your Majesty.

    The Duke: I expect this is what you do in between Slade albums, eh, Holder?

    Geoffrey: Er… Slade albums, Your Highness?

    The Duke: Yes, nice to see you in the flesh, Noddy. Lot taller than I expected.

    (Anne facepalms.)


    Cubby: This is Mr Clifton James, he plays a sheriff.

    The Duke: Ah, a sensible character, with a bit of decorum no doubt.

    Clifton: (Very loudly.) I sure am, boy!

    (The Duke is stunned and walks away.)

    Clifton: Boy! Nobody cuts and runs on-

    (Six very large men in suits and sunglasses hustle him away, hastily.)


    Harry: And here is Mr David Hedison, our Felix Leiter.

    David: It’s an honour, Your Majesty.

    The Duke: Leiter, eh? Aren’t you that short feller with the coffin? Or am I thinking of the tall blond feller who gets gut-punched in the bathroom? Or the old feller with the Geiger-thingy in Fort Knox? Or the…

    David: Your Highness, yes the role has been played by more people than-

    The Queen: -than James Bond himself? Well, one hopes that may change, Mr Hedison – who knows, we may see you again… eventually.


    Cubby: Singing our title song is Mr Paul McCartney, here with his wife Linda.

    The Queen: Hello again, Mr McCartney.

    Paul: Always a pleasure, Your Majesty.

    The Duke: So, who wrote this song you’re singing, McCartney?

    Paul: Er.. I did, sir.

    The Duke: Oh, so you can write songs then, McCartney! Do many people know that?

    (The Queen, Princess Anne, Harry and Cubby all facepalm simultaneously.)

    Paul: Er… maybe one or two.


    Harry: This is Mr George Martin, who composed the orchestral score for the film.

    The Queen: Hello again, Mr Martin.

    George: Good evening, Your Majesty.

    The Duke: I take it you have a lot of experience in the musical world, Martin?

    George: You might say that, sir. For example, I was the producer with the band Paul McCartney used to be in.

    (At a signal from the Queen, Anne gets the duct tape ready. Cubby and Harry watch nervously.)

    The Duke: Oh, yes, The Beatles. Great band.

    (Everyone’s jaws hit the floor.)


    Harry: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?

    The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,555MI6 Agent

    Mffff! Mfff!!!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    Well, it's been a while so Charmed & Dangerous and I came up with this-



    1989 The Royal Premiere of “Licence To Kill”.

     

    At the theatre.

    Cubby: Now are you sure you’ve both got it?

    MGW/BB: Yes, Dad.

    Cubby: Run through it one more time.

    BB: I lead the Queen down the line.

    MGW: And I try to keep the Duke out of trouble.

    BB: (Aside.) Good luck there.

    Cubby: Good, I’ll take a back seat and let you two get the practice. Ready, here they come now!

    (The Royal limousine draws up, and the Queen and the Duke emerge.)

    The Queen: Good evening, Mr Broccoli.

    Cubby: Good evening, Your Majesty. And to you, sir.

    The Duke: Hello again, Guppi.

    Cubby: (Sighs.) May I present my family, Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli?

    The Queen: How nice to see you again.

    The Duke: I hear that the title was originally going to be “Licence Revoked”, but it was changed for the American audience. That so, Chubby?

    Cubby: (Still sighing.) I’m afraid so, sir. Our test marketing showed that some of our potential audience would be, ahh, unfamiliar with that word.

    The Queen: (To the Duke.) Don’t say a word, Philip – wouldn’t want to jinx your next driving test, would we?

     

    BB: This is our James Bond, Mr Timothy Dalton.

    The Queen: How nice to see you again, Mr Dalton. One very much enjoyed your role in “Mary, Queen of Scots” – Lord Darnley, wasn’t it?– as well as James Bond, of course.

    Timothy: Thank you, Your Majesty.

    The Queen: Tell me, I know that you take this role seriously Mr Dalton, what are the influences behind this film?

    Timothy: Well, there are some elements of Ian Fleming in the storyline, ma’am, and you’ll see that much is taken from what’s happening in the world these days, and South America in particular. But I’d say that the main influence is an extraordinary film by the wonderful Japanese film-maker, Akiro Kurosawa.

    The Queen: Which film would that be, Mr Dalton?

    Timothy: “Yojimbo”.

    The Duke: Yo, Jimbo?! I’m not sure I’m in favour of the ghastly Americanisation of the name James, eh, Dial-tone? Whatever next?

    The Queen: Remember what happened to Lord Darnley, Philip – consort to the Queen, he came to a sticky end. (Turning back to Timothy.) A pleasure talking to you, Mr Dalton. One will see you again at the next James Bond premiere.

    (Cubby and MGW exchange glances as the Queen and Duke move on.)

     

    BB: And this is our ‘M’, Mr Robert Brown.

    Robert: Good evening, Your Majesty.

    The Queen: Mr Brown, I’ve enjoyed your performances as M. If there’s one thing we like to rely on, it’s tradition, and you certainly carry on the wonderful work started by Mr Lee.

    Robert: Thank you, Your Majesty. Yes, 007 may have changed incarnations, but it would be sacrilege to change his boss from a somewhat crusty, retired Admiral. I can’t see that ever changing.


    MGW: Our leading ladies, Miss Carey Lowell and Miss Talisa Soto.

    Carey: Good evening, Your Majesty.

    Talisa: Good evening from me too, Your Majesty.

    The Queen: Miss Lowell, I gather this is a somewhat tougher Bond film than usual. Did you have any problems?

    Carey: Well, it was tough shooting in Mexico in all that heat, ma’am. Both Talisa and I were soaking the whole time.

    (The Duke starts to say something, so the Queen quickly interjects.)

    The Queen: Ms Soto, let’s move on from that- did you have any problems after the film had been completed?

    Talisa: Well, we had some trouble with the censor – it nearly became an 18-certificate film.

    The Duke: I’d like to see that version!

    The Queen: Philip! Remember what I said about coming to a sticky end!

    The Duke: That’s exactly what I’m thinking of, dear!

     

    The Queen: Mr Wilson, I had hoped to see Mr Hedison here today – one enjoyed his last performance as Felix Leiter.

    MGW: Ah yes, ma’am, but he was indisposed.

    The Duke: MIA? Not feeling too good, eh – perhaps he ate something which disagreed with him?

     

    BB: Moving swiftly on, may I present our villain, Mr Robert Davi.

    The Queen: Good evening, Mr Davi.

    Robert: A pleasure, Your Majesty.

    The Queen: I enjoyed your performance in “Die Hard”, Mr Davi. I hope that your part is somewhat larger in this?

    Robert: Yes ma’am – and more serious too. I play a drugs baron in a story which is, you might say, ripped straight from the headlines of today’s papers.

    The Queen: Well one tries to avoid those at all costs, Mr Davi. They do tend to turn everything into a bit of an opera, you might say.

    MGW : (Gently leading HM further down the line) Another one of our villains, Mr Benicio del Toro.

    The Duke: Del what?

    Benicio: Del Toro, Your Highness. It means “bull”.

    The Duke: “Bull”? Well, if you ask me-

    The Queen: He didn’t, Philip, he most certainly did not.

    The Queen: (As they move on.) “Benicio del Toro”, what an unusual name.

    The Duke: Don’t worry, he’s never going to get anywhere.

     

    BB: Singing our title song, Miss Gladys Knight.

    The Queen: No Pips, Miss Knight?

    Gladys: Not this time, Your Majesty.

    The Duke: Pity, I wouldn’t have minded a look at your Pips.

    The Queen: Philip!


    Cubby: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty?

    The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,555MI6 Agent

    Great work as usual! But I would have liked to see your version of Lady Diana catching Robert Davi's eye at the premiere, if you known what I mean (nudge, nudge)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    That would have been good, but it's too tempting to use Philip.

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 3,850MI6 Agent

    Nicely done, guys, I especially liked the Gladys Knight section. 😁

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,044MI6 Agent

    Have we done NSNA's premiere yet?

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    It's on p30, C&D.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

     2012 Eon HQ, hidden somewhere in the London Underground. A woman with short white hair is holding a woman with long dark hair in the air by her throat- no mean feat, considering that the white-haired woman is about 30 years older and a foot shorter than the other.


    BB: Argh… mfff…

    Dame Judi: What did you say?

    BB: But Judi-

    Dame Judi: That’s DAME Judi to you, you treacherous viper.

    BB: Please, Dame Judi, let me down.

    (Dame Judi suspiciously lets Barbara down to collapse on the floor.)

    Dame Judi: Well?

    BB: We just thought it would be a wonderful way to send you off, you’d be the focus of the whole story, you’d have a great death scene-

    Dame Judi: Death scene??? (BB cowers in fear, shielding her throat.) I was doing death scenes before you were born, you double-dealing devil! Ever heard of Shakespeare?

    BB: But-

    Dame Judi: I don’t need to do another death scene! After all I’ve done for you and your silly spy series!

    BB: Dame Judi-

    Dame Judi: I could have quit when you fired Brosnan, but no, I agreed to come back to help you launch this short blond guy.

    BB: But we have an idea-

    Dame Judi: Idea? You lot have an idea? Hah!

    BB: Please, hear me out. If you die in this one…

    Dame Judi: Yes….?

    BB: We bring you back in the next one!

    Dame Judi: (Calming down, but eyes still narrowed.) I’m listening…..

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,555MI6 Agent

    I'm especially impressed that you managed to keep it so very close to what really happened! 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    Thanks, N24, there's more on the way.

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,044MI6 Agent

    Barbel - that's brilliant! "Ever heard of Shakespeare?" 😂😂😂

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    Glad you like it! I might do another later, got an idea.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff
    edited April 2

     1985 MI6 HQ


    M: So, once again, 007, your plan is to attend Zorin’s horse sale while pretending to be a rich buyer?

    Bond: That’s right, sir, and Sir Godfrey here will be posing as my chauffeur and valet.

    Tibbett: We felt it important that someone with a knowledge of horses should be handy.

    M: And you’re going to call yourself, what was it again, James Saint John Smith?

    Bond: Sinjin Smyth, sir.

    M: Bit of a mouthful- why can’t you just use your own name?

    Bond: It would seem that drug smugglers in Amsterdam know my name, as well as random police officers in San Francisco- or so I’ve been told.

    M: Well, can’t you call yourself something simple like James Stock?

    Bond: I’m saving that for later, sir, in case I need it.

    M: Hmm, all right. Sir Godfrey, are you sure you can pull this off? You’re not a field agent, you know.

    Tibbett: Piece of cake, Admiral. All Bond has to do is treat me like crap and I say “Yes, sir” and “No, sir” all day.

    Bond: We'll require a suitable car, of course.

    M: Well, just use the Aston Martin, then.

    Bond: That wouldn't fit with the cover story- but I have an idea about that….



    1985 Eon HQ, in a sparsely furnished flat in London.


    Cubby: So you’ve got Roger pretending to be this guy James Saint John Smith-

    MGW: Sinjin Smyth, Cubby.

    Cubby: Yeah, right, and Patrick is his handyman?

    Richard Maibaum: Chauffeur and valet, Cubby.

    Cubby: Do we need him for this?

    John Glen: We felt it important that someone with a knowledge of horses should be handy.

    MGW: And we can have some fun with Roger treating him like crap and all he can say is “Yes, sir” and “No, sir” all day.

    Cubby: Sounds okay.

    John: There is one thing, though…

    Cubby: Yes? What would that be?

    Richard: They’ll require a suitable car, of course.

    Cubby: Well, just use the Aston Martin, then.

    MGW: That wouldn’t fit with the cover story.

    John: We’re thinking of…

    Cubby: Yes?

    Richard: Well, we think it would be a good idea if…

    Cubby: Come on guys, out with it!

    MGW: How about we use your car, Cubby?

    Cubby: My car???

    Richard: Yes, you’ve got a beautiful Rolls Royce and we just thought that-

    Cubby: No way! You have got to be kidding!

    John: We all know your car, Cubby, and we think it would be just perfect for-

    Cubby: It ain’t gonna happen!

    MGW: It’s the ideal car for Roger and Patrick to drive up to the chateau in.

    Cubby: It’s also the ideal car for me and your mother to drive around in!

    MGW: Well, we thought you might say that so I took the liberty of checking out how much it would cost to hire one- have a look at this.

    (Michael passes Cubby a piece of paper. Cubby stares at the paper in silence.)

    Cubby: ….so how long would you want my car for?

    John: Oh, only a week- two at most.

    Cubby: And you’re not planning on leaping over any bridges while doing a 360 degree turn in it?

    Richard: No no, definitely not.

    Cubby: No being cut in two then two again during a car chase?

    John: I promise you not, Cubby.

    Cubby: No being crushed to the size of a crate then put in the back of a pickup?

    MGW: Absolutely not, no way.

    Cubby: No being picked up by a giant electro-magnet dangling from a helicopter?

    Richard/Michael/John: No, Cubby!

    Cubby: (Reluctantly.) Well, all right then. I suppose so…


  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,555MI6 Agent

    😂😂🤣

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,044MI6 Agent

    😂😂😂 I bet Cubby was thrilled!

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

     1989 The wedding of Felix Leiter and Della Churchill.


    Felix: ….and that’s why I’m the happiest man alive.

    (The guests all cheer and clap.)

    Della: Felix, isn’t it time for…?

    Felix: Oh yes! James, you’re the best man- your turn to make a speech!

    Della: I’m dying to hear what James has to say.

    (James rises reluctantly to his feet as the guests applaud.)

    James: Well, public speaking isn’t exactly my speciality.

    Felix: Quite the opposite, in fact.

    Della: Hush, Felix, let James speak.

    James: I met Felix for the first time in 1953. And then I met him for the first time again in 1962. And I’m pretty sure I’ll be meeting him for the first time again in 2006.

    (The guests begin to clap, then look at each other in confusion, wondering who this crazy man is.)

    Della’s Aunt: (To her husband.) Who is this guy?

    Della’s Uncle: I don’t know, Felix brought him. I think he’s British.

    Della’s Aunt: Oh, well that explains it.

    James: In all this time, I am pleased to say that he has not changed at all, except six times, just as I haven’t changed at all. Except four times.

    (The guests give up even trying to understand.)

    James: But I am proud to call him my friend, no matter what changes we may go through, and very proud to be here on his wedding day.

    (The guests all clap and cheer.)

    Felix: Not bad, James, not bad at all. They haven’t a clue what you were on about.

    James: Thanks, Felix. Least I could do.

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,044MI6 Agent

    🤣🤣🤣🤣 Probably the best ever wedding speech in-joke between a groom and his best man!

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,134Chief of Staff

    Brilliant 👏🏻 🍸🤣

    YNWA 96
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,555MI6 Agent

    Short, funny and I'm among the crowd who understood what was going on. The perfect speech!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff
    edited April 2

     I’ve had a message asking me to explain certain things. Please forgive me for going over what, for some of us, is old ground but I tend to forget that not everyone has been following the Bond films for as long as I have (okay, I’m old- I started being a Bond fan in the 1960s) or is as much of a nerd as me.


    First of all, it has to be understood that the James Bond films are much more producer’s films than director or screenwriter’s films. A very small number of people have produced the films over the 60 or so years they have been running.

    Albert R. (Romolo) Broccoli (known and usually referred to as “Cubby”) was the first producer of the James Bond films, initially in partnership with Herschel Saltzman (known as “Harry") from “Dr No” 1962 until “The Man With The Golden Gun” 1974. He then produced solo until “A View To A Kill” 1985 when his stepson Michael G. (Gregg) Wilson joined him as producer until Cubby’s death in 1996. Owing to Cubby’s ill-health, Michael G. Wilson and his half-sister Barbara Broccoli co-produced the 1995 “GoldenEye” and of course all Bond films since.

    Harry Saltzman co-produced the Bond films from “Dr No” until “The Man With The Golden Gun” when his financial situation compelled him to sell out to United Artists.

    Michael G. Wilson (referred to here usually as MGW) is Cubby Broccoli’s stepson, the son of his wife Dana. His father was her first husband Lewis Wilson (the first screen Batman). Michael and Cubby had a solid father/son relationship for nearly 40 years, with MGW being Cubby's right arm and later partner as Cubby grew older. A qualified lawyer, his interaction with the Bond films (apart from a cameo in “Goldfinger”) began with “The Man With The Golden Gun” (behind the scenes in a legal capacity) and has never stopped, with his screen credits including Executive Producer, Screenwriter, and full Producer. He has by now been involved with the Bond films longer than Cubby Broccoli or indeed anyone else.

    Barbara Broccoli (referred to here usually as BB) is the daughter of Cubby and Dana Broccoli. She and MGW are half-siblings (they have the same mother but different fathers). MGW is about 20 years older and has been involved with the Bond films for longer than that, hence his top billing. As with MGW, BB had various credits (eg Assistant Director, Associate Producer) working up to full Producer from “Goldeneye” onwards.


    Plus, as side points-

    Kevin McClory, through a long story I’m not going into here, had the screen rights to “Thunderball” and worked in partnership with Harry Saltzman & Cubby Broccoli to make that film, with McClory receiving screen credit as Producer. Almost 20 years later, he was behind a remake of that film under the title “Never Say Never Again”, with a Jack Schwartzman receiving credit as Producer (he put up the money).

    Ian Fleming sold the screen rights to his first novel “Casino Royale” years before the Eon films began, with a TV version being made in 1954. The rights changed hands through the next ten or so years, ending up with a Charles K. Feldman. He offered to go into partnership with Broccoli & Saltzman to make a movie but they declined since they were doing exactly that with Kevin McClory on “Thunderball”. Feldman then produced the farcical 1967 version of “Casino Royale” and died soon after. The rights changed hands again a few times, ending up with Eon (now MGW & BB) having the rights to make their own far superior version in 2006.


    Again, your forgiveness if you knew all of that, please, but I was asked.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 30,814Chief of Staff

    Ted talk over, normal service will now be resumed.



     1986 The office of the producer, “Remington Steele”.


    Assistant: It’s the last day, sir.

    Producer; Yes, I know, I know.

    Assistant: Don’t you think you ought to phone him now?

    Producer: We still have time.

    Assistant: But-

    Producer: Let’s give him this brief time of happiness. Didn’t you see how happy he was in that photo with the Broccolis?

    Assistant; Yes, he did look very happy.

    Producer; Well, let’s just wait a little longer.

    Assistant: But, sir, there’s only five minutes to go.

    Producer: (Sighs.) Yes, I suppose so. (Lifts phone and dials.) Hello, Pierce? ….Yes, it’s me. Well, guess what? We’ve decided to go for another series of “Remington Steele” after all. If you’d just turn up at the studio…. Well, really, there’s no need for that kind of language...



    1994 The Brosnan household. The telephone rings.


    Brosnan Kid: Hello….yes, I’ll get him.

    (The kid goes into the study, where Pierce is reading “The George Lazenby Guide To Missed Opportunities. Foreword by Patrick McGoohan.”)

    Kid: Hey, dad, phone for you.

    Pierce: Did they say who it was?

    Kid: Yeah, they said it was Ee Yawn or something like that.

    Pierce: Ee Yawn? I don’t know anybody called Ee Yawn… Oh.

    (Pierce takes the phone.)

    Pierce: Hello?

    Secretary: Hello, Mr Brosnan, it’s Eon Productions here.

    Pierce: Is this another of those prank calls? I’ve been having them for nearly ten years now. Because if it is I’ll-

    Secretary: Oh no, sir, this really is Eon. I have Mr Michael G. Wilson on the line for you, will you take the call?

    Pierce: (Suspicious.) All right…

    MGW: Hello? Hello?

    Pierce: The name’s Brosnan. Pierce Brosnan.

    MGW: That’s exactly what I want to talk to you about. This is Michael Wilson, you remember me?

    Pierce: Yes, of course. How’s Cubby?

    MGW: Not too great, I’m afraid. My sister Barbara and I are running Eon these days.

    Pierce: Send him my best, will you?

    MGW: Of course. Now, we’d like to have a chat with you very soon. How does tomorrow afternoon sound?

    Pierce: Tomorrow afternoon, at about 9am?

    MGW: Ah, okay.

    Pierce: Fine then, I’ll see you 8am tomorrow.

    MGW: That’ll be fine.

    Pierce: In fact, I can come round right now. See you in an hour?

    MGW: Sure!

    Pierce: I’ll be there in twenty minutes.

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