Excellent stuff, Barbel, a conveyer belt of fun 🤣🤣🤣
Thanks everyone. As I said upthread, it's like waiting for a bus- you don't get an idea for a while then several arrive at once.
1970. George Lazenby’s hotel room. He’s talking with Harry Saltzman.
Harry: I know about everything you did during the filming.
Harry: Don’t worry, don’t worry about that. What you did, the way you behaved, might be the beginning of some kind of therapy. Bond needs help- your help.
George: I find Bond fascinating, but what you need is Sean Connery, not me.
Harry: What Bond needs is a man like you!
George: You overestimate me, Harry. Bond’s very attractive, but what you ask is not for me.
Harry: Listen to me. On the day you sign this contract, I’ll give you a personal cheque for one million pounds.
George: That’s quite an inducement, but I don’t need a million pounds.
(Harry stomps out. George picks up the phone and dials.)
George: Hello, Ronan?
Ronan: (On phone.) Yes, hello George.
George: Harry Saltzman just left. He wanted to give me a cheque for one million pounds.
Ronan: (Little finger in mouth.) One million pounds?
George: Yes, on condition that I signed up to play James Bond again.
Ronan: You said no, of course.
George: Of course!
Ronan: Glad to hear that, George. Bond is finished, over.
George: Yes, I agree. It’s not as if they’re going to get Sean Connery back again. Now I can sit back and wait for the offers to come flooding in.
That's brilliant! 😂😂😂😂
This is much better than a number of Bond films! 😆😂😂
Oh, that's going too far- but thank you!
SAN FRANCISCO STANDARD
Fire at City Hall
Fire raged yesterday at San Francisco City Hall, attended by many of the city’s emergency services. One fatality has been reported, W.G. Howe, Director of Oils and Mines.
Police are keen to interview an elderly man seen carrying a blonde mannequin down a ladder into a puddle of spilt cheap wine, before hijacking a fire truck and escaping the scene. There are unconfirmed reports of the fire truck later being observed leaping over Lefty O’Doul drawbridge at Third Street during the chase, as well as of several police cars being destroyed.
Involved in the incident was Police Captain D. Tracy, who said….
(Continued on Page 6)
In other news:
Couple treated for shock after roof ripped off camper van- Page 3
Two stetson hats found on Fourth Avenue, apply Lost & Found Dept- Page 4
Job vacancy for soft-shell crab salesman- Page 5
White mansion for sale- Page 7
There are also reports all over central San Francisco about high-pitched sounds coming from the City Hall just before the fire was reported. "It was a banchee-like scream, really hard on the ears." a witness told The Standard.
'an elderly man seen carrying a blonde mannequin down a ladder into a puddle of spilt cheap wine'
I almost did a spit-laugh at that.
Then my work here is done. 😁
N24, I wish I had thought of that.
Back in 1985 the anchor for the CBS affiliate, KPIX, read a promo for the 11pm news:
"City Hall in flames. Details at 11."
It was, of course, a highly misleading promo about the filming of AVTAK.
I didn't know that! Thanks!
Edit- Hey Gymkata- Kentucky Fried Movie!!! Excellent (and it has George Lazenby, too).
1965. Pinewood Studios, editing suite.
Terence Young: So that’s it, Peter, I’m completely exhausted.
Peter Hunt: But Terence, this can’t be all! There’s some vital parts still to be shot.
Terence: You’ll have to work with what’s there, I’m afraid.
Peter: There’s a bit missing in the hotel scene.
Terence; You’ll just have to be creative.
Peter: When Bond returns to the helicopter after being in the Vulcan, you’ve got Felix wearing short trousers, then long trousers, then short trousers.
Terence: Cut it as short as you can get away with.
Peter: The Disco Volante isn’t going fast enough at the end!
Terence: Speed it up, then.
Peter: In the underwater part just before that, Bond’s facemask alternates between blue and black!
Terence: No-one will notice that. Really Peter, I think you’re getting too obsessed with little details.
Peter: There’s a dog peeing in the middle of the Junkanoo!
Terence: So? Dogs have to pee.
Peter: Domino steps on the sea egg with her right foot, but then Bond sucks the spines out of her left one.
Terence: The men will all be looking at Claudine Auger in her bikini and the women will all be looking at Sean Connery.
Peter: Bond’s got bare feet when he’s swimming then has shoes when he’s-
Terence: Enough, Peter! It’s all yours, I know you can handle it. Just remember, Cubby wants it ready for our opening date.
Peter: And when’s that?
Terence: Oh…. Tomorrow.
(Terence goes out the door. Peter looks sadly at the many, many pieces of film he has to piece together and starts to work.)
This isn't all that imaginary!
Some language in here that technically goes against site guidelines but...here it is.
I've loved that movie since I first saw it in the cinema.
'Catholic High School Girls in Trouble.' Hard not to laugh at that. There are some duff moments/dead areas in the film but some of the bits just slay.
I didn't see this one theatrically (I was too young) but I did see AIRPLANE! in the theaters, and that was one of the single funniest theatrical experiences that I can recall. THE NAKED GUN was another one...just non stop laughter.
1969. Eon HQ, underneath a bullring in Portugal.
Cubby: Now let me get this straight, James Bond goes to see a guy he thinks might be Blofeld who’s wanting to be the Count of something or other-
Richard Maibaum: Comte de Bleuville, Cubby.
Harry: Whatever, and Bond is pretending to be this Sir Hilarious Broo-
Peter Hunt: Sir Hilary Bray.
Cubby: Yeah, right, and he’s been sent by the College Armourer-
Richard: College Of Arms.
Harry: Ok, and they meet on top of this mountain in Austria-
Peter: Switzerland, Harry.
Cubby: Switzerland, ok, and they don’t know each other?
Richard: That’s about it.
Harry: Even though they met in You Only Live Twice.
Peter: Ah yes, that’s because we filmed the stories the wrong way round. In Fleming’s books, this is the first time they meet.
Cubby: Do you seriously think the audience won’t notice that?
Richard: Do you seriously think the audience will care?
Harry: Well, they’ll both be played by different actors….
Peter: That might be enough to let us get away with it, but I’ll also have Bond wear a hat, glasses and smoke a pipe.
Cubby: Just make sure he’s doing all that when he meets Blofeld.
Peter: Oh, of course, Cubby, of course.
Harry: After all, it’s not as if people will still be talking about this fifty years from now.
I shared that last one elsewhere, Barbel. That was too good.
Oh sure, Gymkata, as long as (and I have no doubt) AJB gets a plug.
But of course.
1955. Jonathan Cape, Publisher.
Publisher: Ah, good morning Ian, come in, come in.
Fleming: Thank you.
Publisher: Would you like perhaps a cup of….(Sees look on Fleming’s face.) Oh, yes, you’d prefer…?
Fleming: Three measures of Gordon's, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it's ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel.
Publisher: It’s only 10.30am, you know.
Fleming: Yes, you’re right- better give me just one of them.
Publisher: One of these days I’ll have that recipe memorised.
Fleming; Anyway, what did you want to see me about?
Publisher: Well, I have good news for you. The Americans have met our asking price for a paperback edition of “Moonraker”.
Fleming: Oh, that’s splendid. I’m very glad to hear that.
Publisher: I thought you would be. There’s just one thing, though…
Fleming: (Suspicious.) Oh? And what would that be?
Publisher: No, no. They just want the usual changes to the text- “elevator” rather than “lift”, for example. Or “trunk” rather than “boot”.
Fleming: Oh that’s fine, I can live with that.
Publisher: And they want to change the title. Now, if you would just-
Fleming: Wait, wait just a moment. You said they want to change the title?
Publisher: Yes, that’s right. Now, if you would just sign here-
Fleming: Slow down, slow down. Now, I let them change the title of “Casino Royale” because you said they would say “Royal” though I wasn’t too pleased with what they came up with.
Publisher: Yes, I remember that.
Fleming: And they were okay with “Live And Let Die”.
Publisher: Yes, that’s true.
Fleming: (Covering his eyes.) Tell me what they’ve come up with this time.
Fleming: Tell me!
Publisher: “Too Hot To Handle”.
Fleming: “Too Hot To Handle”????
Publisher: That’s it.
Frleming: (Sighs.) I ran through a few titles myself- “Mondays Are Hell”, “The Inhuman Element”, “Out Of A Clear Sky”….
Publisher: You have to accept their title or no deal.
Fleming: Oh, well, I’ll accept. Could be worse, I suppose- they could have thrown in a double-taking pigeon!
Publisher: That’s true. You can take some amount of comfort in that.
Fleming: Amount of comfort…. Hmmm… (Rubs chin thoughtfully.)
😂😂😂😂 'Amount of comfort' - tremendous as always Barbel 🍸🍸 some of those alternative publication titles are hilarious - especially the later ones.
😊 Thanks, C&D. Yes, there's scope for doing another like that- "Motel Nymph", anyone?
was that really the reason? cuz if you watch the 1964 CBC interview, Fleming himself pronounced Casino Royale like Royal.
Carefully read the back cover text of You Asked For It
the book is about "Jimmy Bond" spending a wild weekend with a woman who uses her magnificent body as a weapon to destroy him! I love those 1950s paperback covers that make the books sound more sleazy than they really are, like the clickBait headlines of their era!
as well as Motel Nymph, Stag magazine also published Dr No in its May 1962 issue under the logical substitute title Nude Girl of Nightmare Key
Well, this started me thinking. Suppose it was the other way round...?
1962. Jonathan Cape, Publisher.
Publisher: Ah, come in, Ian, come in.
Fleming: You said that you wanted to see me?
Publisher: Yes, it’s about this last book of yours.
Publisher: I have to tell you, I think it’s been a failed experiment. The first-person viewpoint hasn’t gone down well at all- in fact, it’s had the worst press notices you’ve ever had.
Fleming: Yes, but-
Publisher: And, more importantly from our position, it’s also had the worst sales of any of the Bond books.
Fleming: And I have to add that my circle of friends didn’t like it at all.
Publisher: So what do we do?
Fleming: I’d like to just bury it. No paperback edition. No reprints. And we tell those guys Broccoli and Saltzman that they can’t make a film from it- well, maybe they can use the title but they can’t use anything from the book.
Publisher: I hope your next one will be back to normal.
Fleming: Oh yes, most definitely. Now, how about a drink?
Publisher: Of course. Let me just- oh wait, one thing I have to tell you.
Fleming: What is it?
Publisher: It’s too late to bury it completely. You remember, you signed an offer from an American magazine called “Stag”?
Fleming: Oh, that’s right.
Publisher: We can’t back out from that now. However, they do insist on changing the title if that’s any consolation.
Fleming: And what have they changed it to? It can’t be as bad as when they insisted on changing “Nude Girl Of Nightmare Key” to “Dr No”?
Publisher: They’re calling it “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Fleming: Lousy title- what was wrong with “Motel Nymph”, anyway?
1977. Press Conference.
1st Reporter: Mr Broccoli, Mr Broccoli- it’s been three years since the last James Bond movie, why the delay?
Cubby: Well, as you may already know, there were some legal problems that had to be overcome.
2nd Reporter: As well as the loss of Harry Saltzman to the series?
Cubby: (Stifles a grin.) Ah yes, that, too. Also, Ian Fleming placed some restrictions on us for this one- we’re allowed to use the title but not any elements from the book itself.
3rd Reporter: So you’re not going to be using anything from the book at all?
Cubby: No, not at all. There will be no nymphs and definitely no motels.
1977. Marvin Hamlisch’s flat. He sits at his piano, while Carole Bayer Sager is close by with a pad of paper and a pen.
Marvin: It’s no good, Carole, I just can’t come up with a melody here.
Carole: Somehow you’ll find it, Marvin- you’re the best.
Marvin: I’m struggling here, it makes me feel sad.
Carole: You’ll manage, Marvin. Nobody does it half as good as you.
Marvin: Can you think of a way to work the title into the lyrics? That might give me a start with the melody.
Carole: Hmm… How about “Like heaven above me, the Motel Nymph who loved me, is keeping all my secrets safe tonight”?
Marvin: Great! I like that! (Plays some chords.) I think I’ve got it now.
Carole: Oh Marvin, you’re the best.
1979. Eon HQ, below a hotel in Miami.
MGW: Look, Cubby, I think we really have to change the title of our next James Bond movie.
Cubby: What? But we announced it at the end of the last one, same as usual-
Of Motel Nymph
James Bond Will Return in
The Rough With The Smooth"
MGW: I know, but you have to have noticed how successful “Star Wars” has been. We have to come up with something that will compete with it.
Cubby: Ah, and from the very limited number of Fleming titles that we have left…?
MGW: It has to be “Too Hot To Handle”.
Cubby: Oh, well, I suppose you’re right, Michael. We’ll do that first then “The Rough With The Smooth” after it.
And while we're on that subject-
The Death Peddler = The Death Peddlers = Risico