I'm working on a new one now regarding 'Villain Lair Incorporated.'
I feel that's another company that used to delivery better products. By now they should have learned not to use highly combustible building materials and have sprinkles as part of the standard package.
Are their products insured? 🤔
A nightclub, anywhere.
Sharon: Oh it’s all so boring here, Karen.
Karen: There’s nothing here but playboys and tennis pros.
Sharon: Hey, wait a minute- don’t turn round, Karen, but you should see this dream that just walked in.
Karen: Tell me!
Sharon He’s so handsome, and well-dressed too!
Sharon: Yes, he’s wearing a gorgeous tuxedo, a white shirt and a black bow-tie!
Sharon: He’s talking to the barman…. The barman is-
Karen: Don’t tell me- he’s making a drink in a shaker?
Sharon: That’s right. How did you know that?
Karen: I know who he is. Sharon, trust me, you don’t want to get involved with him.
Sharon: Oh, I’d love to get involved with him.
Karen: No, seriously. I’ve heard so many stories.
Sharon: Like what?
Karen: His girlfriends never last too long- one got covered in gold paint, one drowned in an elevator-
Sharon: Drowned in an elevator? How do you manage that?
Karen: Don’t know, but that’s what I heard. Another got shoved out of a hotel window, one blew up near a mine, one got shot in the back while dancing...
Sharon: Don’t care, I’m moving in.
Karen: It’s your funeral.
Sharon: I hope he’s got a car.
Karen: Oh, the car! Yes, he has a car and it’s beautiful. Just one thing though…
Sharon: What’s that?
Karen: Don’t touch his gearstick...
Sharon: Touching his gearstick is very much what I had in mind!
Karen: I wouldn’t do that- you might suffer from premature ejection.
'And he's always got theme music playing. It gets really annoying.'
Yes, I should have mentioned that-
Karen: Oh, the car! Yes, it's beautiful, but there's only one tune ever plays on the stereo. And one thing you should know...
Sharon: What's that?
Karen: Don't touch his gearstick!
Sharon: Touching his gearstick is very much what I have in mind!
Karen: I wouldn't do that- you might suffer from premature ejection!
'Lairs Incorporated, this is Pradeep speaking. How can I direct your call?'
'Yes, that's correct. We specialize in building secret lairs.'
'Big or small, that's correct.'
'Well, I can send you out an informational packet if you'd like.'
'The packet does include pricing, yes.'
'Actually, we have several different contractors that we work with. Honestly, it really depends upon the country. If your needs are really exotic, we can find someone who specializes in whatever you require to meet your needs.'
'Yes, we have contractors who work in Japan.'
'All of the islands, actually.'
'Well, I think we can can access all of the smaller islands as well. If you know what island you're specifically needing construction work on, I can have one of our sales reps check on it.'
'OK, sure. Tell me what you're looking for.'
'Volcano? Yes, we can do that. What exactly do you have in mind?'
'OK, so you're looking at quite a large project, then.'
'Hollowed out volcano?'
'OK, hold on, let me get a pen. Actually, let me conference in a sales rep...just a sec.'
('Marge, is Ferdinand back from his lunch yet? Yeah? OK, I'm going to conference him in on line 4.')
'I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.'
'Hi, this is Ferdinand, to whom am I speaking with?'
'Ferdinand, this is Mr. Blow Feld. He's looking at one of our premiere packages.'
'Very good. How can I help you, Mr. Blow Feld?'
'Ah, Japan! Yes, very good. We have several contractors out there. We actually did a big job on an underground railway system there a few years ago.'
'OK, I see. So...you're thinking a rather large project then.'
'Abandoned volcano? Well...sure. I mean, we'd have to find one.'
'Oh, you have one in mind already. Excellent!'
'OK, so...hollow it out yet maintain the facade. Uh huh. Gantries, sure. OK, that's a lot of steel. I'll need to have a firm date on construction soon so that I can place that steel order right away.'
'Sure, our supplier is discreet.'
'Monorail? I don't see why not. We've done similar before.'
'I'm sorry, we don't discuss our other clients.'
'No, no problem. Thanks for understanding.'
'Self destruct mechanism, sure. We've done that before. We'll be sure and design the lair with this in mind. That won't be a problem.'
'No, not to worry, we take care of the staffing. We have a big pool of workers to draw from on projects like this. Considering the size, we'll need to get a firm start date soon to ensure that we have the manpower. We have men working on projects elsewhere, of course.'
'Well...they are union. Killing them all when the project is complete will definitely need some negotiation with the union management.'
'Yes, that's correct.'
'Did Pradeep get your information yet to send you out an informational packet?'
'Very good. Yes, we're very interested on bidding on this, Mr. Blow Field.'
'Sorry, Blow Feld.'
'Very good. Can I have your fax number, please?'
'Great! Let me send over that information. You can expect our insurance waiver within the next...oh, ten minutes. Is that good for you?'
'Excellent. I look forward to chatting with you soon.'
'Yep, this should be fun!'
'Thanks, you have a nice day as well.'
"Killing them all when the project is complete will definitely need some negotiation with the union management."
'There is an upcharge for that. You'll see it noted in the informational packet.'
I think I detect the voice of experience here. 😁
'We can bundle that into the final price, yes. We actually have a 'no witnesses' add-on that varies in price, depending upon the size and duration of the project.'
'Well, we need to come up with a plausible reason for all of those men to suddenly die that doesn't raise suspicion, take care of insurance benefits, and so forth. There's also the disposal of the bodies to account for.'
'Yes, we can bundle that in on the final bid.'
'Sorry, no. We don't take coupons.'
Especially for Gymkata-
Russian delegate makes miraculous recovery#
Russian General Leonid Pushkin, here in Tangier as part of a North African Trade Convention, was yesterday the subject of a diabolical assassination plot. Despite being plied with several bullets from an unidentified assassin, the General made a miraculous recovery.
Local police pursued the alleged assassin through washing lines and carpets but were unfortunately unsuccessful.
A close associate of General Pushkin, девушка Rubavitch (pictured), said…
(Continued On Page 6)
In other news:
Flying carpet spotted above Tangier- Page 3
Cello case found in Bratislava phone box- Page 4
dying at the cello case.
'Lairs Incorporated, this is Pradeep speaking. How can I direct your call?'
'Oh hello, Mr. Drax! Good to speak with you again.'
'Thank you, my mother is doing well.'
'Thank you, she loved the bouquet of orchids that you sent her.'
'I'll be sure and tell her that.'
'Yes, I can get Ferdinand. May I place you on hold? Thank you.'
('Ferdinand, it's Hugo Drax on line 3. Drax. D-R-A-X. Right, the space station guy. Line 3')
'Good afternoon, Mr. Drax. How can I help you today?'
'Oh no, operation 'Not a Space Station' is doing fine. Yes, your check cleared. Uh huh.'
'Something new? OK, what did you have in mind?'
'Sure, it doesn't matter how big or how small the project.'
'Absolutely we can do a room remodel.'
'Venice? Not a problem.'
'Yes, we can handle biohazards. That is an upcharge, though. Please reference your informational packet.'
'OK, so clear all of that out. OK.'
'Oh nice. Marble, you say?'
'Oh, sure. How much do you have left over from your estate?'
'And how big is the space?'
'Yes, that should be enough. And furniture?'
'Very good, yes...we can source some from the same supplier.'
'Fixtures too, yes.'
'Correct, that's all in our pricing sheet in your informational packet.'
'Uh huh. Right.'
'Yes we can do all of that, the main question is when.'
'Hold on, step back. To do this today on such short notice will entail...oh wow, we'll need to pull people off of other projects to get this done.'
'Sure. Now, when do you need this done, exactly?'
'Well, sure. Anything can be done, it's just a matter of price. Do you have the informational packet with you now?'
'Yes, flip to 'add on' packages of the pricing sheet. Page 43, right.'
'Can you hold on for a sec, Mr. Trax?'
'Drax, my apologies. Please hold for a moment. Thank you.'
('Pradeep, get Margot on the line right now. We need to pull everyone from that London job right now for a rush job in Venice. This is a big sale.')
'Thank you, Mr. Drax. I was just telling Pradeep to make some calls now to get the ball rolling.'
'OK, I got it. Right. Give me your fax number again, please?'
'Great, thank you. I'll send over our bid in the next...oh, call it 15 minutes.'
'Sure, I can send over two bids...one with the 'kill everyone' upcharge and one without.'
'Normally yes, but we can't accept coupons for jobs tagged as 'Rush'.'
'That is correct.'
'OK, I've got it. Let me get things rolling on my end and...yes?'
'Yes, the bill will include disposal fees.'
'Very good! Thank you again for the business, Mr. Drax!'
'You have a nice day as well. Goodbye!'
"One witness claims assassin was crying - page 8" 😁
N24- Hmm, a German tourist perhaps?
"Don't worry, Mr Drax, it won't cost the Earth.... Oh, it will, I see."
In a correction to last week’s story, the flying carpet above Tangier was not spotted. It was striped. We apologize for any misunderstanding caused.
CHRISTMAS DAY 1973.
Maybelle Pepper: Why you wearing your uniform Jay Dubya, you’re off duty today?
J W Pepper: You never know when I’ll be needed, Maybelle....here you are, Merry Christmas.
(He hands her a present which she unwraps)
Maybelle: Why, a wooden figurine of a gooney bird, thank you Jay Dubya, you know how I like these ornaments. (She hands him an envelope). Here’s yours, merry Christmas.
(J W opens it). J W: Two tickets to Thailand? Why do I wanna go Thailand, Maybelle, full of pointy heads in pyjamas.
Maybelle: It will stop you brooding over that English spy fella.
J W: (shaking his head and gurning) He’s been here before, you know, I found out about him. Miami Beach, Kentucky, Vegas, he’s caused mayhem everywhere he’s been. On who’s side is he, that’s what I wanna know. What am I gonna do in Thailand, Maybelle?
Maybelle: They’ve got American car showrooms there...
J W: Maybe I can take a ride in one.
😁 I always like those backstory ones, thanks CHB.
A laundry somewhere in London. James Bond enters.
Owner: Good day, sir.
Bond: Good day. I’ve come to collect my order.
Owner: Certainly, sir. May I see your ticket?
Bond: But of course.
(He hands over the ticket.)
Owner: Number 007… ah yes, here it is. Nice to see you again, Mr…
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Owner: Ah yes. One of our seamstresses spoke about you.
Bond: Nothing bad, I hope.
Owner: She said to tell you, she had a much easier time with your clothes this time, Mr Bond.
Bond: Easier? How so?
Owner: It was a much simpler matter for her to mend the two bullet holes than the knife cuts from last time.
Owner: Although the scorch marks took some work to get rid of. It was fortunate that your tailor happened to use flameproof material for the tuxedo jacket.
Owner: The lipstick on your shirt collar was also easier than last time. Perhaps your ladyfriend has changed her brand?
Bond: Well, you see-
Owner: Oh, I understand- different ladyfriend. Say no more.
Bond: If I could just-
Owner: And those marks under the left armpit, as if the shirt was in frequent contact with some leather strap kind of apparatus…
Bond: How much do I owe-
Owner: Very difficult to remove.
Bond: Let me just pay you and-
Owner: And if I’m not mistaken there were tyre marks also, which-
Bond: If you’d just-
Owner: Oh, that won’t be necessary, Mr Bond. Your mother came in and paid for your expenses.
Bond: My… mother?
Owner: Yes- small lady, short white hair?
Owner: She was wearing-
Bond: It’s all right, I know who that is. (Picks up his laundry.) Thank you very much.
Owner: No problem. See you soon, Mr Bond. We’ll wash and dry another day.
Dry Another Day.
that was awesome, Barbel!
That whole conversation was simply an excuse to make that pun.
I should have a few more episodes of 'Lairs Incorporated.'
Would you like an informational packet?
I'm not sure I'm in the financial bracket of your target audience....
The quality of the imaginary conversations remain high 😂😂😂
Thank you, N24. there's more in the pipeline! 😊
'Oh hello, Mr. Blow Field! How are you today?'
'Sorry, Blofeld. I always get that wrong.'
'Yes, uh huh.'
'Oh, I meant to ask, did you receive our gift basket of cat food for Christmas?'
'Excellent! Did he like it?'
'Sorry, did SHE like it?'
'That's great to hear.'
'Sorry but Ferdinand is out. His assistant is in, though. Shall I get him for you?'
'Great, one second...'
('Marcus, pick up line 5. It's Mr. Blofeld again. Blofeld. BLOFELD. B-L-O-F-E-L-D.')
'Hello, this is Marcus. Am I speaking with Mr. Blow Feld?'
'Hi there, sorry...Ferdinand is out on a sales call with someone.'
'No, no need to call back, I can take care of you today.'
'Oh fun, yes...we can do boardrooms. If you check your informational packet, you'll see that boardrooms are a specialty.'
'OK, what did you have in mind?'
'OK, that sounds pretty standard so far.'
'Oh, you want the chairs electrified? Yes, we can do that. What dosages of electricity are you thinking of?'
'We can do lethal, yes.'
'When you say 'retractable chairs', can you clarify?'
'OK, so descend into a lower chamber, got it. So this will be a two level boardroom then.'
'Yes, we can set up some sort of body removal system on the lower floor. Are we talking merely removing the body from the chair once killed or....?'
'OK, so you want everything.'
'Are you thinking entirely automated, then?'
'Sure, I can see that.'
'Yep...as you say, 'nice and slick'.'
'What's the turnaround time that you're thinking on this?'
'Well, if you reference your informational packet, you'll see that that kind of timeframe requires a rush service upcharge.'
'No, I'm sorry no. But, seeing as you are a repeat customer, I can throw in leather for the chairs for free.'
'Not a problem.'
'Sure thing, I'll get our architect working on this now. I'll fax over a bid sheet within the next half hour or so.'
'No I don't think you'll be 'shocked' at the price, ha ha ha!'
'Absolutely. My pleasure, and you have a great day as well.'
'Merry Christmas to you too. Take care!'
When I said there's more in the pipeline, I didn't realise how fast it would be!
Pradeep sure is one busy guy, Gymkata, I'm loving his phone calls! Did you ever read the "Imaginary Phone calls" thread?
Imaginary Phone Calls — ajb007
It's a predecessor to this thread.
No, never knew of that thread! I'll have to check it out.
As for me, I'm trying to imagine these in the style of Bob Newhart's comedy routines.
Yes, that was the unconscious model for the earlier thread, too.