Your Englishman, Irishman, Welsh an and Scotsman conversation is one of the greats!
BTW: There is a Scandinavian paralell school of jokes: the Swede, the Dane and the Norwegian. It's a classic, but much the same way no standup comedian will use them unironically.
Thank you, everyone. 😊
A Gymkata and Barbel production:
'Lairs Incorporated, this is Pradeep speaking. How can I help you?'
'Pardon, could you spell that please?'
'K-A-N-A-N-G-A, thank you. How can I help you, Mr. Kananga?'
'Dr. Kananga, sorry.'
'Yes, I'm sure you didn't. Seven years, eh?'
'San Monique University. Huh. I'll need to look that one up.'
'Well, what can I do for you?'
'Sure thing, I'll grab Gabrielle, she handles the Caribbean. One Second'
('Gabrielle? Grab line 2, we've got one for you. Kananga. Oh, call him Dr. Kananga or he'll get into a snit. Yeah, line 2.')
'Hi there...Kananga, did I get the name right?'
'Very good, this is Gabrielle. I'd be happy to help you today.'
'San Monique? Sorry, I'm not familiar with that island. Where exactly is it in the Caribbean?'
'Is it on a map?'
'OK, I'll take your word on it...I'll find it later. What are we talking about here?'
'I see. Underground, that's no problem.'
'An elevator, sure. Attached to a tombstone? Well, that's novel but I'm sure we can manage it. If you refer to our informational packet, you'll see that we specialize in camouflaging doors.'
'Yes, there is an upcharge for that.'
'Monorail? No problem, we've done that before. Now...'
'Below a voodoo dancing site? I'd have to check into that.'
'Sharks, you say...'
'Yes, of course we can do sharks. It's a premium upcharge, though. Reference the estimated pricing sheet in your informational packet and you'll see...'
'Yes, we do consider alternate payment options.'
'Sorry, we don't accept heroin as payment.'
'Absolutely we can do that, Mr. Kananga.'
'Sure, go ahead.'
'I'm not sure...what DO you call a person who graduates last in his class from medical school?'
'Doctor! Hahahaha, oh that's a good one. I need to remember that one.'
'Sure thing. I'll have one of our accountants work on a bid sheet today and I'll send it to you within the week.'
'Yep, I'll be sure to have a Mojito after work, hahaha. Bye!'
2015. A railway station, somewhere in the Sahara Desert. The Station Master sits at his desk, working. His girlfriend lounges on a couch behind him, bored.
Girlfriend: Ali Station Master…
(He merely grunts, as he tries to continue his paperwork.)
Girlfriend: Ali Station Master….
Station Master: Mmmm.
Girlfriend: (More insistently.) Ali Station Master…
(He continues to try to work, as she rubs herself against him.)
Girlfriend: (Becoming frustrated.) Ali Station Master…. You are not glad to see me this morning, cheri?
Station Master: Overjoyed.
Girlfriend: I… I no longer please you? (She fondles his face.)
Station Master: Be still!
(She isn’t taking no for an answer.)
Station Master: Back to the salt mines…
(He takes off his jacket and goes to join her on the couch, when there is a loud rumbling noise from outside.)
Station Master: What is THAT?
Girlfriend: Perhaps a train stopping here?
Station Master: It cannot be, a train has not stopped here since… (He goes to the window, and peers out behind a curtain.) No! A train HAS stopped here!
Girlfriend: What is happening?
Station Master: A couple has come out from the train. The train is leaving.
Girlfriend: What do they look like?
Station Master: They are both fair-haired, she is wearing white and the man is wearing a suit that is too tight.
Girlfriend: Let me see…. they’re just waiting around. They must be waiting for something. Oh look, there’s a cloud of dust moving across the sand towards them. What can it be?
Station Master: Let me look… That is a Rolls-Royce Silver Wraith.
Girlfriend: Are they getting in?
Station Master: Yes, they have gone now.
Girlfriend: Good. (Pauses a few seconds.) Ali Station Master...
'a suit that is too tight'.
that gave me a spit laugh.
Mission accomplished. :)
🤣🤣🤣 ‘suit that’s too tight ‘ - not mad about his tailor, are you?
1983. An office in London. The telephone rings.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Call for you on line 1, sir.
Owner: Fine, I’ll take it… Hello…. Yes, you’ve got the right number, we hire animals out for film productions… What’s that? A white cat?…. You’re not that Broccoli guy again? The last time we sent you a white cat it damn near got swept up by a helicopter at some gasworks….. I see, you’re not him, your name’s… It’s still for a James Bond film though… Well, Mr McClory, I have to tell you that I’m a bit dubious about lending out one of our cats for a James Bond film again, we’ve had trouble before. All those explosions tend to make our cats very… No explosions this time, I see… Just sit and be stroked by… Oh, Max von Sydow, eh? Very impressive… Now, McClory, McClory, I think we’ve had some contact before, but it was many years ago… Yes, back in ‘65… Oh, I remember now! Tiddles was petrified when some guy got electrocuted! Are you sure that won’t happen again?…. Well, if you say so… No, Tiddles has gone to that great hollowed-out volcano in the sky, you’d be getting Tiddles 2… I suppose we can-
Secretary: (On intercom.) Call for you on line 2, sir.
Owner: Fine, just give me a moment… I’ll get back to you, Mr McClory… Hello?… Oh, hello again Mr Broccoli! Funnily enough, I was just talking about you… Well, I hope you’re not looking for another white cat! Not after the last time… No, I’m afraid a stuffed sheep’s head is totally out of our line…. What’s that? An entire circusful of animals?… Immediately? … Plus a snake, six elephants, and one tiger… And you want them sent to…. Oh! Well, I’m afraid that’s going to cost you, let me see… Ah, I see. Yes, Mr Broccoli, that will certainly cover it!… Of course, a pleasure doing business with you again!
(He puts the phone down and smiles happily for a moment before pressing the intercom button.)
Owner: (On intercom.) Hello, Miss Jones. Please get that McClory chap back and tell him he can have his cat- for free! ….What’s that? A snake as well? Oh, the snake he can pay for!
😂😂😂😂 I always thought Tiddles 2 was a little underrated...
Just lack of opportunity- Zorin had horses, Sanchez had an iguana, and Trevelyan had Boris. No room for a cat, leading to Tiddles 2's sad descent into alcohol and catnip. The line lived on, though, when Tiddles 4 starred in "SPECTRE" giving, some say, the best performance in that film. It remains to be seen whether NTTD will have a cameo appearance from one of the Tiddles family.
Hmm, perhaps us here can come up with an idea or two about that...?
1965 A jewellers’ shop. The door opens and a familiar figure enters.
Jeweller: Good morning, sir.
Blofeld: Good morning; I would like to purchase several rings of… an unusual design.
Jeweller: Unusual rings are our speciality, sir. What do you have in mind?
Blofeld: I would like each ring to bear a stylised image of an octopus.
Jeweller: An octopus, you say?
Blofeld: Yes, that is correct.
Jeweller: Perhaps something like…
Blofeld: No! Not like that at all!
Jeweller: Well, perhaps like this then?
Blofeld: No, it has to be more imposing. Even frightening.
Jeweller: I know! This should do the trick:
Blofeld: It’s closer, but not quite right. Perhaps I could draw my idea for you? Here, hold this cat a moment.
Jeweller: Of course.
Blofeld: (Takes pen and paper.) Something like… this!
Jeweller: Like that?
Blofeld: Yes, very much like that.
Jeweller: Well, you see- here, take your cat back. Thanks- well, you see where you’ve gone wrong there, don’t you?
Blofeld: Gone wrong?
Jeweller: It’s only got seven tentacles!
Blofeld: Oh, you’re right. Can you change that to eight?
Jeweller: Well, you’re the customer. How many shall I make?
Blofeld: I think twelve at first. I may be back for more later.
Jeweller: How much later?
Blofeld: About fifty years. And you can change it to seven tentacles then.
Barbel, C&D, Gymkata, excellent contributions!!!
AJB007 - looking at the stories behind the stories.... 😁
"The stories behind the stories"- that would have made a good title.
Bravo, Barbel! I laughed hard at those octopus pictures.
Now to think up the next one....
Shuttle returns with hitchhikers
In what is believed to be a first for space technology, a US space shuttle has returned to Earth carrying two hitchhikers on board. The shuttle has orbited the earth and re-entered the atmosphere to land like any conventional aircraft.
“I can make no comment on the matter”, said Colonel Scott, in charge of the mission, but the two travellers are reported to be a tall man and a short blonde woman.
A second space shuttle of unknown origin has also landed at Houston. Little information has been released but the pilot was recognised as NASA scientist Dr Holly Goodhead, who said….
(Continued on page 6)
In other news:
Sales of red pyjamas in Moscow go through the roof- Page 3
Dead python found in River Amazon; local anacondas confused- Page 4
Embarrassed UK Government officials attempt re-entry to home- Page 5
ITV NEWS AT TEN - Sometime in 1962
Trevor McDonald (Newscaster): And finally…on an island called Crab Key, off Jamaica, a dragon, previously dismissed as a native superstition, has been blamed as maybe being the cause of an explosion at a bauxite mine. A respected local fisherman described it as having two glaring eyes, a short tail and pointed wings, breathing fire. It is thought that the dragon may have approached the mine destroying it with its fiery breath. The US Marines, commanded by a CIA agent, attended the situation, somewhat late as usual, and found a man and woman in a boat who strangely kept swapping seats. They towed the boat back to safety, but upon reaching land found that the boat had come loose and was no longer there. Asked for an explanation, the CIA agent mumbled something about dames and wanting a transfer to Hawaii…goodnight ( smiles amusingly at camera, shuffling his papers).
For non-British members, Trevor McDonald was Britain’s most loved newscaster, his And finally…story (an amusing article) became a staple of the programme. News at Ten wasn’t around at that time, it began in 1967, but this is an imaginary conversation 🙂
😂😂😂 I can just picture him reading it!
'Lairs Incorporated, this is Pradeep speaking. How can I direct your call?'
'Can you repeat that, please?'
'Oh, I get it. N-O.'
'Hahahah, yeah I bet you DO get that a lot.'
'Sure, one second.'
('Maynard, grab line 4 please. His name is Dr. No. N-O. Yes, 'No'. No, not 'Yes...'No'. Right, line 4.')
'This is Maynard speaking. Did I understand that your name is 'No?'
'OK, got it. What can we do for you today, Dr.?'
'Sure, we have experience with reactors.'
'Yes. What do you have in mind?'
'Well...I suppose we could do that, but wouldn't that be unsafe?'
'Well, I mean...having an exposed core like that where you're all in the same room. It really doesn't make sense.'
'Right. Typically, there's a lot of shielding between the reactor technicians and the core.'
'Right, and I mean...it's like you're talking about a studio apartment version of a nuclear reactor. In principle, we could do it, but is it really a good idea?'
'Well, it's your money.'
'Sure, we could take care of protective outfits as well.'
'Sure, I can get you our fax number. It's also in your information packet in the contact section....'
'OK, now what do you have in mind?'
'Well...yes, we could do that, but I don't think those offer the right amount of protection that you're looking for.'
'Oh I agree, they'd look cool, I just don't think that they'd offer you enough protection from an exposed nuclear core.'
'Absolutely we can do a decontamination area. What do...?'
'Showers are appropriate, right...but you also need...'
'I'm pretty sure there's more that you'll need there, Dr.'
'Sure, we can install mirrors above the showers. It's an odd request, though.'
'Oh, hahaha...I get it. You're a naughty boy, Dr.!'
'Yep, just reference your informational packet for those charges.'
'No, we can even take care of the nuclear material. We have a source in Leningrad for that.'
'Very good, we'll get our drafters working on that now.'
'Yep, just fax us your designs on the outfits and we'll see what we can do with them.'
'Yep, silver is not a problem.'
'Agreed, it would be very sci-fi.'
'OK, sounds like a plan!'
'Hahaha, right...it's pretty easy to say 'yes' to 'no'....especially once the check clears.'
'You too. Bye!'
Wonderful stuff, both of you, congratulations!
I'm really happy to see you writing more of these while The Brain Of Barbel* is in one of its fallow periods, recharging.
*Totally irrelevant info: I take it you all know my obsession, er, interest in the Universal Horror movies. This is why I'm married to the Bride Of Barbel, the children (hardly that these days) are the Son Of Barbel and Barbel's Daughter, we live in the House Of Barbel.... You get the idea.
Ok, here's the point- one of the famous Universal movies was originally called "The Brain Of Frankenstein" (hence the reference above) but the title was changed before release. Anyone like to guess which one without the benefit of Google?
whichever one where they transplant Ygor's brain into the monster?
youre not going to have a brain transplant are you Barbel?
That one is "Ghost Of Frankenstein", and nope!
A brain transplant would have been a good idea maybe 40 years ago, but it's a bit late now.
'Oh hello again, Dr. No'.
'Yes, I did receive your fax. I passed it on to Maynard this morning.'
'Yes, indeed. It came through just fine.'
'I'm sorry, Maynard is not in. His assistant Leon is here, though.'
(Pradeep puts down the phone).
'Hey Leon, guess who's on the phone?'
'I don't know...who?'
'So that's wrong, then?'
'No, it wasn't.'
'Then who's on the phone?'
'That's it what?'
'What am I saying wrong?'
'If nothing's wrong, then who is on the phone?'
'No? Am I saying it wrong?'
'No, you're saying it right. It's just No.'
'You're messing with me, aren't you?'
'Then just tell me who is on the phone!'
'I'm going to lunch.'
😂😂😂 Love Pradeep!
Barbel, I will PM you the answer, so everyone else can keep guessing 😁
ITV NEWS AT TEN - Sometime in 1963
Trevor McDonald: And finally…a real life Agatha Christie style mystery has played out on the Orient Express. Three people have been found dead. Two men, one of whom had an ill-tailored suit, had apparently had a fight and killed each other, while another man was found garrotted by his own wrist watch in another carriage. Two suspects, a man and a woman, were seen alighting from the train when it had to stop due to a truck being on the tracks. Meanwhile, the train conductor said that he was trying to keep the events quiet. The waiter in the restaurant car who served the two suspects and the garrotted man, was quoted as saying…”I have never seen anything like it in all my days on the Orient Express, it’s so unsettling to think that those sort of people are travelling on luxury transport, I mean, who on Earth orders red wine with fish?”…goodnight (smiles amusingly at camera, shuffling his papers).
😁😁😁 He was a national treasure. And glad to see we have a winner with the Frankenstein question!
Well, time's up. For the benefit of anyone not called CoolHandBond, the answer is....
Lou Costello objected to the original title, so it was changed. Thanks everyone, normal service will now be resumed! ☺️
2012. An apartment somewhere in London. All is quiet, then there is a clatter of keys as the door opens to admit an Estate Agent with a young couple.
Estate Agent: Well, here we are. Please come in, take a look around.
(They do just that.)
Man: Very nice, but why isn’t the current owner showing us around personally?
Estate Agent: Ah, sad story there, I’m afraid. We’re selling the flat on behalf of his company. Standard procedure on the death of an unmarried employee with no next of kin, or so I gather. We haven’t had time to put his things into storage as yet.
Woman: (Opening wardrobe.) I can see that- what’s this leather thing here, like an unfinished bra?
Estate Agent: Let me see… ah, there’s a label. It says this is a Berns Martin triple draw.
Woman: Triple draw what?
Estate Agent: No idea, I’m afraid.
Man: And on the shelf, that looks like a space helmet. Surely not?
Estate Agent: Perhaps he liked to go deep-sea diving? Ah look, it says “NASA” on the side- National Aquanaut Sea Association, that’ll be it.
Man: Hmmm…. Is that a clown outfit?
(The woman is now looking under the bed.)
Woman: Now, what do we have here….? A white bikini?
Estate Agent: Yes, well-
Woman: And an orange one. Very strange.
Estate Agent: (Hurriedly.) Perhaps if we could move into the lounge?
Man: (Entering lounge.) Would that be a portrait of the Duke Of Wellington there?
Estate Agent: Couldn’t tell you, I’m afraid.
Woman: The bar seems to be very well stocked.
Man: Heavy on the vodka and martini, though. And what’s this stuff here? “Kina Lillet”? Never heard of it.
Woman: Ah, here’s the music collection.
Man: A lot of John Barry… some David Arnold… a pair of earmuffs next to The Beatles…
Woman: What’s the smashed CD there?
Man: It looks like someone’s taken a hammer to it, never wanting to hear it again. Hang on, I think I can make out… it seems to say “Jack White & Alicia...”…. Something….
Woman: Is this a jewellery drawer here?
Estate Agent: Might be, madam.
Woman: (Opening the drawer.) Hmm, that’s gold.
Estate Agent: Surely not.
Woman: This is gold, Mr Estate Agent. All my life I have been in love with its colour, its brilliance, its divine heaviness.
Man: (Wearily.) Oh, I know.
Woman: And this seems to be a golden bullet.
Estate Agent: Strange, a golden bullet?
Woman: And there’s a number engraved on it. It says-
Man: I suppose many bullets have serial numbers on them.
Woman: And there’s diamonds as well.
Man: Quite a lot of diamonds, too.
Woman: What did you think it was going to be, a pair of earrings?
Man: (Changing the subject.) Oh look, he seems to have left his car keys. “A M” they say.
Estate Agent: Er… Austin Morris?
Woman: No, overall I don’t think this is what we’re interested in.
Estate Agent: What would you be interested in, madam?
Woman: Something bigger.
Man: Further away from the city.
Woman: Much further away.
Man: With lots of grounds.
Woman: Hard to get to.
Man: Hard to find.
Estate Agent: I think I have the very thing. Have you ever heard of Glen Etive…?