Imaginary Conversations

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  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent

    Yes,they're keeping the standards high. Very high, in fact. Hurrah!!!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    Many thanks, guys.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff
    edited July 2021

    1999. Turkey. James and Christmas sip their drinks while fireworks go off.


    James: I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey.

    Christmas: Was that a Christmas joke?

    James: From me? No.

    Christmas: So isn’t it time you unwrapped your present?

    James: Oh, I think so.

    (We discreetly leave them, then return later...)

    James: I was wrong about you.

    Christmas: Yeah? How so?

    James: I thought Christmas only comes once a year.

    (They kiss.)

    Christmas: Hey… wait a minute… that was a Christmas joke!

    James: Ah, well, you see-

    Christmas: “I always wanted to have Christmas in Turkey”. It WAS a Christmas joke!

    James: Er, did I say that?

    Christmas: Yes, you did!

    James: I did…?

    (James begins to wish he’d shot Christmas and kept Elektra.)

    Christmas: You made a Christmas joke!

    James: Who, me?

    Christmas: Yes, you- and don’t do it again!

    James: Wouldn’t dream of it, darling.

    (Starts to sneak off before she realises.)





    1999 Pinewood Studios. Set of “The World Is Not Enough”


    James: I was wrong about you.

    Christmas: Yeah? How so?

    James: I thought Christmas only comes once a year.

    Michael Apted: Cut and print!

    Denise: Mr Apted?

    Apted: Thank you very much, everyone-

    Denise: But Mr Apted-

    Apted: : (Taking a deep breath.) Yes, Denise?

    Denise: I think I can say my line better, if you just give me one more take-

    Apted: One more take?

    (Behind Denise, Pierce Brosnan is frantically shaking his head and running his forefinger across his throat.)

    Denise: Yes, I think I can put more feeling and meaning into my line.

    Apted: You have three words, Denise. And that last one was Take 46-

    Pierce: (Wearily.) Take 47, Michael.

    Apted: Thank you. And that was the only one in which you got the three words in the right order, so I’m printing that one!

    Denise: But Mr Apted-

    Apted: That’s a wrap! 

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent

    😂😂😂 I'll be fireworks went off alright...

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    No kidding, I've been watching that film since 1965 and I always pictured something like that when Bond and Domino reach the plane. It's definitely an example of spectacle before logic.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent

    Actually it works well in real life, the CIA did ut for years.

    But, hillarious story by Gymkata! 😂

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent
    edited July 2021

    Operation Coldfeet is an example of the skyhook method being used in real life. Read about it on page one of the "Real stories about espionage and special operations" thread.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    Well I don't fancy trying it!!!!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,030MI6 Agent

    ITV NEWS AT TEN - Sometime in 1965

    Trevor: And finally…strange going on’s at a health clinic called Shrublands, on the south coast. A patient was nearly torn from limb to limb on a motorised traction table when the machine was accidentally activated into danger mode. The manufacturer has declined to comment on why a danger mode speed was necessary to be built into the table. The patient recovered fully, and in fact, a nurse, Pat Fearing, said he was too healthy by far. Meanwhile, another patient, identified as a Count Lippe, for some reason a name plate was placed on his bedroom door, was found nearly boiled alive in a sitz bath, where a broom stick prevented his release. Also, names of doors keep changing rapidly, a patient was seen entering a door marked “massage” and just a minute later exits from the same door which has swiftly changed to “Sitz Bath & Heat Treatment.” A clinic spokesman said they are speaking to the janitor to find out why this is happening.

    In a further development, Count Lippe was killed in a car accident shortly after leaving the clinic. Police are looking for a motorcycle seen following the car and an attractive redhead female seen trying to hitch a lift on the roadside after the accident, who may be able to help in their inquiries… goodnight…(smiles at camera, shuffling his papers).

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    😀😀😀 I especially like the the bit about the doors!

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent

    😆😆😆 ditto with 'danger speed' mode 😂

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent

    "Too healthy by far" 🤣

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    1972. On a liner, Bond and Tiffany look up at the sky having disposed of Mr Wint and Mr Kidd.


    Tiffany: Oh, James!

    Bond: Oh yesh, what were you about to ashk me?

    Tiffany: James…. How the hell do we get those diamonds back down?

    (They smile at each other. There is a knock on the door and two waiters enter, pushing trolleys loaded with food.)

    Bond: (Eyes narrowing.) There musht be some mishtake…

    1st Waiter: No mistake, sir. On the specific instructions and with the compliments of Mr Willard-

    (Bond quickly throws the first waiter from the port side of the ship and the second one from the starboard side.)

    Tiffany: I hope that’s the last interruption we get tonight!

    Bond: I hope sho too.

    (Half an hour later there is another knock on the door. The captain enters.)

    Bond: Yesh?

    Captain: What the hell do you mean throwing my waiting staff overboard? I had to launch three lifeboats to bring them back!

    Bond: Ah yesh, but you shee-

    Captain: All they did was bring you and your lady some food. (Looks around.) My God, how much food do you have here?

    Bond: Well, you shee-

    Captain: I see that I don’t want any more trouble from you this trip, Mr Bond, am I understood?

    Bond: (Head down.) Yesh, sir.

    Captain: Good.

    (Slams door on way out.)

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent

    😂😂😂 Let's hope they've can finally enjoy their kebabs ...

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,965MI6 Agent

    🤣🤣🤣 Captain on radio to Willard Whyte: "Look, Dubya Dubya, I don't care if he's having a good time! I can only steam around in circles for as long as I have any waiters left!"

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff
    edited July 2021

    2006. Mr White exits his car. His telephone rings.


    Mr White: Hello?

    Bond: (On phone.) Mr White? We need to talk.

    Mr White: Who is this?

    (A shot rings out. Mr White, hit in the leg, crawls painfully towards the door of the house. Bond is standing there, wearing an immaculate suit which The Bond Experience can tell every last detail of. He’s carrying a very impressive firearm, which someone here can no doubt give all relevant details about.)

    Bond: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

    Mr White: (In pain.) Oh, Bond. I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on.

    Bond: Huh?

    Mr White: We’ve met before, Mr Bond. Although I think you can be forgiven for not remembering.

    Bond: What do you mean?

    Mr White: Your attention was, shall we say, elsewhere? You were tied to a chair, naked. Le Chiffre had been hitting you with a rope in exactly the area in which a man would not want to be hit. (Bond’s face begins to sweat..) Ah, I see you remember.

    Bond: How do you know all this?

    Mr White: Le Chiffre knocked your chair over and was just about to begin some, er, amateur surgery on you. I shot him before he could begin it.

    Bond: (Remembering.) Yes…

    Mr White: So you see, Mr Bond, you owe me one. And how do you repay me? By shooting me in the leg!

    (Bond opens the boot of his car.)

    Bond: You may have a point there, Mr White. This, however, isn’t the time or place for us to debate it.

    (Bond picks Mr White up, ties his wrists and stuffs him in the boot of the car.)

    Mr White: Aargh!

    Bond: Try not to bleed too much. You'll be in there for a couple of years.

    Mr White: What? A couple of-

    (Bond slams the boot lid shut, goes into the car, and drives away.)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    😀😀😀

    I've missed you, Pradeep.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent

    Digging it is litterally Pradeap's speciality 🤣

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    1987. Eon HQ, disguised as a horse stud in Kentucky.


    Cubby: Well, did you have any luck casting the new Miss Moneypenny?

    BB: Yes, Dad, we’ve got a girl called Caroline Bliss. I’m sure you’ll approve.

    Cubby: Were any of the others any good?

    MGW: The first one just kept giggling, so we sent her home.

    Cubby: Right, that wouldn’t do. And the next?

    BB: She kept saying “James Bond. Oh my God, it’s James Bond!!!” over and over.

    Cubby: Again, that’s not what we want. I believe there were four, what was the third one like?

    MGW: Ah, the third one. She walked in, took one look at Timothy, said “I was expecting someone else” and walked back out again. Oddly enough her name was Bond, Samantha Bond.

    Cubby: I like her attitude. Best keep her phone number for a while.

    BB: How long, Dad?

    Cubby: Oh, let’s say…. eight years or so.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    1983. A screening room at Pinewood Studios. The Eon team are taking their seats to watch the first rough cut of “Octopussy”.


    Cubby: I hope you’ve done a good job here, John.

    John Glen: I think you’ll be happy, Cubby.

    Cubby: In fact, I hope we’ve all done a good job. I’m worried about that damned Kevin McClory and his “Never Say Whatsit Called” movie.

    MGW: From what I hear, I don’t think we have anything to worry about.

    John: Yes, they’ve had all sorts of problems.

    Richard Maibaum: And don’t forget, all they can do is “Thunderball” all over again.

    Cubby: But McClory has Connery and you know that people will go and see it just cos he’s in it.

    MGW: Relax, Cubby. Roger is well established now, it’s not like we were launching a new Bond like James Brolin.

    Richard: Plus we have the gunbarrel, we have John Barry doing the music, Maurice Binder doing the titles- we’ve got Desmond Llewelyn as Q, and you know everybody loves him. In fact, we’ve given him a bigger part than usual.

    Cubby: All that won’t matter if we haven’t made a good movie.

    John: Let’s watch it now, see what we all think.

    (The gunbarrel starts….)


    -------------------------------------------------------


    Orlov: (Onscreen.) He speaks for himself and others who cling to TIMID, outdated and-

    Cubby: Hey, whoa there. John, you might wanna turn the volume down when he shouts “timid”. He’s louder than an air raid siren!

    John: (Unhappily.) I did turn it down! You’re right, but this was take 14 and it was the only one where he didn’t blow the microphones out at that part.


    -----------------------------------------------------


    (Onscreen, Bond has used Q’s poison pen to escape from his room and is on a shelf outside Khan’s palace. A bird flutters off, startling both Bond and the audience.)


    MGW: You and your damned birds, John.

    John: Aw, come on, that’s a perfectly reasonable place for a bird to be!

    MGW: Yeah, well…

    John: I did think of making it do a double-take…?

    Cubby/MGW/Richard: No!!!

    --------------------------------------------------------


    Orlov: (Onscreen.) There must be no further security breach. This fake has caused enough trouble. (He smashes the Faberge egg, as Kamal Khan winces.)


    Cubby: I’m getting mixed up with these eggs. I could have sworn that was the real one there!

    Richard: It was, Cubby, that’s why Khan winces- he knows it was the real egg.

    Cubby: So what are we gonna do about it?

    MGW: Not a thing- in fact, we won’t mention the eggs again.

    Cubby: Are you sure we’ll get away with that?

    MGW: I don’t think many people will be keeping track. If they are, they’ll think that they’ve made a mistake somewhere.

    Richard: Anyhow, I’m sure people won’t be talking about it forty years from now.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    (Bond and Octopussy talk as her guards, all female in very tight red outfits, enter.)


    Cubby: Oh, hey, come on now…

    John: What ‘s wrong there?

    Cubby: Those outfits- I mean, can’t you see….?

    MGW: I don’t know what you mean, Cubby.

    John: Yes, what do you mean?

    Cubby: You can see…

    MGW: Yes?

    Cubby: Never mind….

    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    (Octopussy’s girls fight with Kamal’s guards.)


    Richard: Great scene, John.

    Cubby: Yeah, well done there.

    MGW: What? The girls are punching and kicking miles away from the guards, but the guards all fall down with a “whack” sound effect!

    John: Ah, you noticed that.

    Cubby: I didn’t.

    MGW: Yes, but-

    Cubby: Let it stand, Michael, it’s a great scene.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    (The end credits roll, as Rita Coolidge sings “All Time High” again.)


    Cubby: Good job, John, good job.

    John: Thank you.

    Richard: Yes, it’s a good Bond movie.

    MGW: And I don’t think we have anything to worry about from Kevin.

    Cubby: Kevin who?

    (Everyone laughs.)

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent

    😂😂😂

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    1969. Pinewood Studios. Screening of rough cut of “OHMSS”. Cubby Broccoli & Harry Saltzman (Producers), Peter Hunt (Director), Richard Maibaum (Screenwriter) take their seats.


    Harry: We’re taking a big chance here, Hunt, I hope you’ve given us what we want.

    Peter: I think you’ll be pleased, Harry.

    Richard: I’ve kept the script as close as I could to the book.

    Cubby: Let’s see if that works.


    ------------------------------------------------------------


    Bond: (Onscreen.) Good morning! My name’s Bond, James Bond.

    Harry: I thought we were going to make him sound less Australian.

    Cubby: We paid for voice lessons for him!

    Peter: That’s as good as you’re going to get, I’m afraid. You should have heard the earlier takes- I had a devil of a time stopping him from calling her “Sheila”.

    Cubby: Does he get better later in the film?

    Peter: ….er, you might say that.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Bond: (Onscreen.) This never happened to the other fella.

    Harry: What? What do you mean by that?

    Peter: Well, you can take it one of two ways.

    Richard: You could take it to mean Prince Charming left with Cinderella’s slipper if you like.

    Cubby: Or you could take it the way everyone in the audience is going to take it- especially with that look into the camera- that this never happened to Sean Connery!

    Harry: I don’t like it.

    Peter: Oh, come on, Harry. It’s an amusing bit of breaking the fourth wall.

    Harry: Fourth wall? There ain’t no walls! He’s on a beach!

    Peter: (Struggles hard not to facepalm.) Yes, well…


    -------------------------------------------------------------------


    (The titles start.)

    Harry: (After about a minute.) I can’t hear the singer, have you got the sound set properly?

    Peter: There’s no singer, Harry.

    Harry: No singer? What???

    Cubby: We agreed this, Harry. John Barry said the title would sound ridiculous in a song.

    Harry: Well, no more ridiculous than “Goldfinger” or “Thunderball”.

    Peter: We do have a song coming up later, though.

    Harry: Oh, at the end, you mean.

    Peter: ….er, no, it’s during the film.

    Harry: Have we got time for that?

    Cubby: We have all the time in the world.

    (Peter and Richard snigger.)


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    (Bond wipes Tracy’s eyes.)

    Bond: (Onscreen.) Especially between friends… or lovers.

    (The screen shows a beautifully shot montage of James and Tracy falling in love, while Louis Armstrong sings.)

    Harry: That was a good idea, to get Nancy Sinatra back to sing the song.

    (Cubby, Peter and Richard exchange glances. Cubby puts a finger to his lips, whispering “Ssh”. The others nod quietly.)


    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    (Bond and Sir Hilary Bray are talking at the College Of Arms.)

    Cubby: All this talk is a bit boring, Richard.

    Richard: We need it for the plot, Cubby. We have to set up that Bond is going to visit Piz Gloria disguised as this Sir Hilary.

    Cubby: Hmph. If you say so.

    Peter: But we end it with a chase scene, Cubby. Here we go… Bond is chasing this guy Phidian over the rooftops.

    Harry: Don’t like it.

    Peter: But-

    Harry: Don’t like it- cut it out.

    Peter: Hmph. If you say so.


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    (Bond arrives at Piz Gloria, disguised as Sir Hilary.)

    Bunt: (Onscreen.) I am Fraulein Irma Bunt, personal secretary to the Count. Have you had a good journey?

    Bond: (In Sir Hilary’s voice.) No, intolerable. I’m not a good traveller.

    Harry: He sounds a lot better now, Peter. Very English.

    Peter: We dubbed him for these scenes. That’s Sir Hilary’s voice you’re hearing.

    Harry: Sounds great! Can’t you get this Sir Hilary just to dub him in the whole film?

    Peter: I don’t think that would work, Harry. I can get him to add another line or two, though.


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    (“Sir Hilary Bray” meets the “Comte de Bleuchamp”.)

    Cubby: So, they don’t recognize each other, then?

    Richard: That’s right. We followed the book closely, and this is the first time they meet in the books.

    Harry: But they met in the last film!

    Peter: Yes, which is why Bond is wearing his Sir Hilary disguise- hat, pipe, glasses…

    Peter: Ah.

    Harry: Blofeld should draw a gun and shoot Bond, saying “You’re the guy that blew up my volcano!”

    Peter: Well, maybe he does recognize him but he’s just stringing him along?

    Richard: And Bond isn’t sure it’s Blofeld since he’s had some plastic surgery?

    Cubby: Plastic surgery? Crazy idea!

    Harry: Yes, we won’t be hearing any more about plastic surgery.

    Cubby: …. not till the next movie, anyway.


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    (Tracy and James get married.)

    Harry: Now, that’s different- usually Bond and the girl are making out in a boat at the end of the movie.

    Peter: We’re setting up the ending here.

    Richard: Yes, we have to have the happy part before…

    (Blofeld and Bunt kill Tracy.)

    Cubby: Yes, the downer ending.

    Peter: I thought George did alright in that last bit.

    Cubby: Gives us a problem if he isn’t in the next one, though.

    Harry: Unless we get Connery back- then everyone will overlook this one.

    Cubby: Peter, it’s still too long. You have to start cutting, dropping scenes. Get it to under two hours.

    Peter: Under two hours, sure thing Cubby. (Whistles softly to himself.)

    Cubby: Right, let’s get out of here and get some coffee.


    (Everyone is drinking coffee..)

    Harry: Hey! I get it!

    Cubby: Get what?

    Harry: That joke you said- “We Have All The Time In The World”! Very good!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent

    I do too. It's my Christmas movie.

    This is funny as always 😂

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    Thanks, guys.

  • SpectreOfDefeatSpectreOfDefeat Posts: 404MI6 Agent

    A call centre. 1979.


    Secretary: Good afternoon, this is Henchman Corporation speaking, for all your henchman and thug-related needs…

    Hugo Drax: Chang is dead. I need another one.

    Secretary: How unfortunate.

    Hugo Drax: Who do you have available?

    Secretary: Let me check …yes, I think there’s someone here who fits all your requirements.

    Hugo Drax: Excellent.

    Secretary: This individual has worked for an extremely powerful villain…

    Hugo Drax: Go on.

    Secretary: They’ve assassinated high-profile targets on that villain’s orders…

    Hugo Drax: Better.

    Secretary: And best of all, they’ve encountered James Bond before, and survived. They’re ambitious to get their revenge against 007…

    Hugo Drax: Don’t tell me…I know, it’s Jaws!

    Secretary: No, but good guess. It’s Nick Nack.

    Hugo Drax: (disappointed) Oh. 

    "The spectre of defeat..."

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff

    😀😀😀😀 Wasn't expecting that!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent

    You for me there! 😂🤣

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,052Chief of Staff
    edited August 2021

    2002. Iceland.


    Zao: Boss, come quickly!

    Graves: What is it, Zao?

    Zao: It's an army of DAD-detractors! They're armed with Berrybooers, Plotpanners, and Faultfinders- lots and lots of Faultfinders.

    Graves: Is that all?

    Zao: I see some with Madonnamacerators, Purvis&Wadepounders, and of course a lot of them are carrying Blamethrowers.

    Graves: Have they got Craig-coloured glasses on?

    Zao: Of course.

    Graves: Then there's only one thing for it- let's leap into the invisible car and get out of here!

    Zao: Which way?

    Graves: Over the CGIcebergs, of course!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,699MI6 Agent

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • SpectreOfDefeatSpectreOfDefeat Posts: 404MI6 Agent

    Annual United States Police Chiefs’ Convention.


    Police Chief 1: Did ya know, I saw the craziest thing on duty a few years back.

    Police Chief 2: Oh, really?

    Police Chief 1: Yeah. Some guy stole a fire truck and wrecked all my squad cars down in San Francisco. I had repair bills stacked up higher than the Hoover Dam…

    Police Chief 2:  Oh, you’re lucky. Some hotshot over in Vegas got their hands on a Mustang and went and totalled all my squad cars, too!

    Police Chief 1:  This guy was English, said his name was Bond, James Bond…

    Sheriff J.W. Pepper: What’s this I’m hearin’ about some crazy Limey taking it upon himself to pulverise po-leece property?  Huh?

    Police Chief 1: Well, if it ain’t my cousin J.W. from down South. Are ya still working for Louisiana State?

    Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Ah shore am, boy. Now I recognise this fella Bond. It’s that English secret agent! From England! That guy seems to follow me around like flies to an elephant’s backside! He jumped over my car in a speedboat that one time…then he comes over interruptin’ my holiday in Thailand!

    Police Chief 2: Crazy. Do ya reckon it could be the same guy who tore up the Vegas strip in a Mustang?

    Police Chief 1:…and the same guy who made off with the fire truck in San Fran a while back?

    Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Could be, boys. Could be. I guess we’ll never know…

    James Bond walks into the room and approaches the reception desk.

    James Bond: Good evening. My name is Bond, James Bond…

    Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Let’s go get him, boys!

    "The spectre of defeat..."

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