The Following contains SPOILERS (I'm still struggling with this new software).
2021. EON HQ, inside a small Japanese island.
BB, MGW, Purvis, Wade and other EON execs are seated around a large table.
BB: Thank you all for coming. I'm sure you can guess what this is about: we need to start the process for selecting not only the next actor to play Bond, but the future direction of the entire series.
MGW: While we acknowledge that we need to wait for the final NTTD grosses to come in, we can't sit on our laurels. We need...
Purvis: Did you hear that?
Wade: That was was definitely a clunk.
BB: It sounded as though it came from the back of the ...
(Every head turns towards a set of doors at the back of the room. Barbara gets up and strides purposefully over to investigate. She swings open the doors and reveals a small vestibule. Barbel sits at a small desk, wearing headphones connected to a listening device.)
BB: What the actual f...
(MGW and the others crowd round.)
Barbel (snatching the earphones from his head and confronting the assembled EON executives): Where on earth did you think I get my ideas from? Not so imaginary these conversations, eh!
MGW: Quick, someone call security!
Barbel: Hah! That won't help. I think you'll find he's one of us, the wee bulldog.
Barbara: Barbel, out! At once!
Barbel: Not so fast, missy. Afore I go, I have a list I want to go through.
Purvis & Wade (simultaneously): A list?
Barbel: Aye. (He consults some scribblings on the back of a beer coaster from the Silencer and Black Garter).
First of all, you two: No more 'this time it's personal', brothers, mothers or whatever silly plot devices. That's from me. (He pauses). And while you're at it, bring back David Arnold.
Second, more punch ups - that's from C&D...
(He turns to MGW and BB): Third, can you dial it back a wee bit on the three thousand dollar suits - that's from The Bond Experience. (He eyes the beermat more closely). Correction, that's from The Bond Experience's wife....
Fourth, could we have a bit more plot logic please? That's from Gassy Man. (He leans back).
MGW: Anything else?
Barbel (consulting his list again): Can we have scenes set at Anfield, and the return of Spectre's 'Hildebrand Antiquities & Rarities' rare books safe house? That's from Sir Miles and CoolHandBond respectively...
Let's see.... something about no more gammon please. That's from someone called Mark00Mark - I have no idea what he's on about there, to be honest...
Oh, and could the leading ladies have bigger boots please? That's from Number24, not sure I took that one down correctly....
Can you please not kill off half the cast, and while you're at it just go back to Fleming? That's from Chrisno1 and Asp 9mm respectively.. and most of the rest of us at AJB too, to be honest....
Oh, yes, before I forget, Gymkata asks if Pradeep could have a bigger role in the next one, if it's not too much to ask. (Barbel leans back again, and crumples the sheet of paper). There.
(A stunned silence fills the room. Purvis & Wade are scribbling furiously.)
BB: Any final requests before you're forcibly ejected?
Barbel: Just one. Can you work in some green trainers somewhere?
(Pauses for breath)
Bravo C&D 👏🏻🍸
It's a shame you got caught, but it had to be said. Finally EON will start listening to us! 😠
That was great.
After that list of demands it's no wonder Purvis & Wade have hung it up regarding Bond (or so they say).
They've said that before- reminds me of certain actors saying the same thing....
2019. “Knives Out” set, last day of shooting.
Craig: Well, I have to say I enjoyed making that film.
Ana de Armas: Oh, is that your normal voice? It sounds so much better than the way you were speaking while we were filming.
Craig: And I also have to say that I enjoyed very much working with you, Ana.
Ana: And it was a pleasure working with you, too.
Craig: Listen, I’ve got an idea. As you might know, I’m going on from here to make another James Bond movie.
Ana: Really? I hadn’t noticed, what with me living on another planet. (Rolls eyes.)
Craig: How would you like to work with me on that?
Ana: What? Me, in a James Bond film?
Craig: That’s right. They’ve made me a co-producer these days, and I reckon I can arrange to have you onboard.
Ana: But Daniel, I don’t like James Bond movies.
Craig: (Darkly.) Then trust me, this is the very one you’ll want to be in.
Craig: Never mind. Go on- just do a small part, let’s say thirty minutes.
Ana: Five minutes.
Craig: Twenty minutes, then.
Ana: Ten minutes tops.
Ana: (Reluctantly.) Oh, all right then.
Craig: Great. (Takes phone out and presses one button.) Hello, Barbara…. No, I haven’t changed my mind again. Listen…..
I'd have loved Ana De Armas to have had a larger part - that Cuba scene was one of the highlights for me.
even people who hate the movie seem to like her scene.
2019. Eon HQ, in a certain house in Jamaica. Rami Malek meets director Cary Joji Fukunaga.
Rami: Cary, I’m so glad you cast me as the villain in the next James Bond movie.
Cary: All credit to you, Rami.
Rami: I’m really looking forward to saying all those great lines- lines such as “Come in, Mr Bond. I’ve been expecting you.”
Cary: Ah, you don't actually say that one.
Rami: Really? Oh that’s a pity. Still, there’s always the one where I can ham it up whilst telling my henchman to “kill Bond immediately” or something similar.
Cary: No, you don’t say that either.
Rami: Okay.... well then, I’m very much looking forward to the game that I will be playing with Bond early in the movie.
Cary: The… game?
Rami: Yes, you know the one- we play something like cards, or golf, or horseriding, or backgammon or whatever. I try to win by cheating but of course Bond sees right through that and he wins by outcheating me.
Cary: It’s a different kind of Bond movie, Rami, we won’t be doing that.
Rami: Oh…. Still, there’ll be lots of pretty girls around me, and Bond will steal one of them away and….
(Cary shakes his head.)
Cary: You’ll mainly be acting with one woman and a little girl of maybe 4.
Rami: What? Is this “Live And Let Diapers”?
Cary: Don’t worry, Rami, it’ll all be fine, you’ll see.
Rami: Well, at least I won’t have to say lines like “We’re not so different, you and I”, as if we were in an Austin Powers movie.
(Cary hurriedly changes a line in the script.)
Cary: No, no, of course not…. Ahem.... We’re going for a more realistic approach, you see.
Rami: But this isn’t real life- this is just fantasy….
'Live and Let Diapers'...did you just make that one up?
Yes, just as I was typing. ☺️ (Unless it's a memory from long ago, of course)
well, just so you know, I'm stealing that.
Be my guest! 👍
I’ve not been on this thread recently because I’ve still not seen NTTD and didn’t want to learn of any spoilers, but have given up on that now. This is utterly brilliant, C&D, a masterpiece on this thread 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂😂😂😂😂 Brilliant! And I thought it was no time for diapers...
Much obliged, CHB 😎
Written with Number24, whose idea it was:
2021. M’s office. He’s sipping a little malt whisky. The intercom buzzes.
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Q’s here, sir.
M: Send him in.
(The door opens and Q nervously enters.)
Q: You wanted to see me, sir?
M: Indeed I did. Sit down there.
(Q sits down.)
M: I’ve been informed that you have a problem with flying.
(Q glances at the door through which Moneypenny is sitting.)
M: Never mind how I know. Is this true?
M: Is it true?
Q: Yes! I’ve been afraid of planes since I was a boy. I hate flying on them, I’m always convinced that they’re going to crash.
M: We can’t have this irrational fear in a senior member of MI6. Suppose I had to ask you to be on a plane helping our agents on the ground off the coast of Asia?
Q: Well, I could take the ferry then a train-
M: That would take days, Q!
(Q’s mouth flaps but no words emerge.)
M: Right, you’re immediately going on a course to overcome your fear of flying. It’s the only thing to do.
Q: (Glumly.) Yes, sir. Where is this course?
M: (A devilish gleam in his eye.) Jamaica.
Q: (Horrorstruck.) Jamaica?
M: Oh yes. For some reason a disproportionate number of our cases seem to take place there. Moneypenny will give you your ticket.
(Q turns to leave and opens the door.)
M: By the way, Q, have you injected yourself with Smartblood?
Q: Yes, months ago. (A little puzzled.) Why, sir?
M: Oh, nothing in particular... (Clears his throat and shuffles some papers around on his desk.) Just wondering...
(A muffled giggle can be heard from Moneypenny’s office.)
(The next day, M’s office. M is pointing a remote control at the wall behind his desk, pushing buttons and getting nowhere.)
M: Tanner, come here and give me a hand with this thing.
Tanner: Yes, sir.
(Tanner takes the gadget and presses one button. The wall divides, revealing a very large screen with various subscreens around it displaying assorted meters and gauges.)
M: Thanks, now hang around- I may need you.
(The screen lights up, to reveal the current Prime Minister.)
M: Good morning, Prime Minister.
PM: Ah, there you are again, now what were you saying?
M: I was saying that the current transport and fuel crises we are experiencing are unlikely to be the result of Chinese hacking, and that I really don’t think the Russians are holding back truck drivers to ruin our Christmas.
PM: Ah, are you sure?
M: Have you considered the possibility, the extreme possibility, that these problems might, just might, somehow in some way be connected with Brexit?
(Moneypenny quietly enters the office, a box of popcorn behind her back.)
Moneypenny: Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you, but Operation Heart Attack is about to lift off.... er, I mean start... in five minutes.
M: Ah! Yes… Apologies, Prime Minister, but I have to see to this… national importance… sure you’ll understand.
(Tanner presses a button, making the waffling Prime Minister disappear. His image is replaced by a view of an airport concourse, with people walking back and forth. M, Moneypenny, and Tanner sit down in a row facing the screen.)
M: Is this it? (He pours some whisky for the three of them.)
Tanner: Yes, sir, we’ve tapped into the airport security camera. At any moment we should be able to see him…. There!
(On the screen Q can be seen, searching for the correct terminal. Moneypenny shares out some popcorn.)
Tanner: (In briefing mode.) Luckily the flight is a few minutes late, as per usual. Q's Smartblood readings will be on-screen.... now!
(The smaller subscreens now show Q’s blood pressure, pulse, etc.)
M: His blood pressure is a bit above normal, but within reasonable limits.
Moneypenny: He’s checking in now… Mmm, that’s a good-looking attendant.
M: (Engrossed in the screen.) Strange, his blood pressure just jumped.
(Tanner mumbles something to himself.)
Moneypenny: And now he’s heading for the plane…
M: His pulse is racing…
Tanner: Look at his blood pressure!
Moneypenny: Surely he’s aboard the plane by now?
Tanner: I’d think so.
M: What's happened? His blood pressure and pulse suddenly dropped and... and his brain activity has dropped significantly too!
Tanner: Maybe he’s fainted?
Moneypenny: It’s worse than that- the in-flight movie is the latest Fast & Furious film….
Written with Gymkata and Charmed & Dangerous.
2021. CIA HQ, Cuba.
HQ: (On phone.) Hello, Paloma?
Paloma: I’m here.
HQ: You’re going to be joined soon by a British agent.
Paloma: A British agent?
HQ: Well, to be accurate a retired British agent. His name is Bond. James Bond.
Paloma: Oh, I’ve heard of him.
HQ: He’s working with our man Leiter. You’re to get him into a meeting of Spectre agents.
Paloma: What? You know I’ve only been doing this job for three weeks?
HQ: It’s straightforward. Whatever he turns up wearing, you’ve to get him into a tuxedo.
Paloma: (Straightfaced.) A tuxedo.
HQ: Yes, it’s so he fits into the meeting. By the way, you must be wearing something appropriate, too.
Paloma: So I’m going to this meeting as well?
HQ: Yes, you are.
Paloma: OK, do you have the measurements for his tuxedo?
Paloma: Well, I kinda need them. Is he tall? Stocky? What?
HQ: Well, I met him once. He's kinda average in terms of being tall, I guess.
Paloma: OK I'll tell the tailor 'average'. When it doesn't fit, I'm sure he won't blame me or anything.
HQ: Just do your best.
Paloma: Can I charge this on the corporate Amex?
HQ: No, it can't be traced. You'll need to use your personal account.
Paloma: But I've got nothing in there. You still haven't reimbursed me for the hotel in Miami that I had to book for my three weeks of training.
HQ: OK, we'll wire you some money into your account. It should be there by tomorrow...day after at the latest.
Paloma: OK, so you want me to overdraft then. Who's going to pay my overdraft fees?
HQ: Just expense them, we'll take care of you.
Paloma: You don't have the greatest record of taking care of me. I submitted my expense report two weeks ago and so far it's sitting in your queue to be approved. I know, I've checked it every day.
HQ: We'll get to it. You have to trust us, it's just the normal bureaucracy. We all have to deal with it.
Paloma: That's all very well and good but do you have any idea just how much tuxedos and evening dresses cost down here? Dress shoes? Do you? Add in last minute tailoring and it's gonna cost me. If you don't approve these expense reports right away, I'm in serious trouble.
HQ: Yes, well...
Paloma: And bear in mind, without exact measurements, the thing may not fit him anyways.
HQ: Hold on...I think I may have a contact for that in England. Money something or other. She'll probably know.
Paloma: Well, that's fine. But I'm going to sit here and stare at my screen until you approve my expense report that's pending. Once I see that go to 'in review', I'll head out.
HQ: Alright, a moment...
Paloma: Could you add in a little something extra so I can at least buy myself a proper drink?
HQ: Don't take the p!$$, Paloma.
Paloma: Diet Coke it is, then.
HQ: Now, this will be a meeting of Spectre agents from all around the world, and you have to fit in. Your mission is to intercept a scientist called Valdo Obruchev- photos will be sent immediately- and make sure that the British get him.
Paloma: Is that all?
HQ: Yes, that’s all. When the British have him, you leave the scene immediately. We must not be seen to be involved.
Paloma: Just you sort out my expenses and I’ll see that happens.
In the end, it always comes down to waiting for expense reports to get sorted.
Ah, the voice of experience.
HQ: 'James, we need to talk about your latest expense report.'
HQ: 'You're way, way over on your clothing allowance. I'm looking at what you've submitted here and there's simply no way that I can approve any of these. I mean, look...$5500 for a Tom Ford suit.'
JB: 'Well, I needed a new suit.'
HQ: 'I get that, but you can buy a $500 suit at Macy's next time you need one.'
JB: 'Seriously? You want me to save the world in a Calvin Klein suit?'
HQ: 'And look at this...a Christian Dior wool jacket. You bought that and some other items before that trip to Austria. That jacket alone was almost $6000.'
JB: 'Yes...it's very nice, you should see it.'
HQ: 'Oh, I'm going to see it alright. You're going to ship it here for us to inventory and then sell on eBay.'
JB: 'Well, I'm not sure where it is now. I may have lost it.'
HQ: 'You LOST it? You LOST a $6000 jacket?'
JB: 'Well, you know how it is...you're in a mission so you have to travel light. You get to the destination city or country and then buy what you need.'
HQ: 'And you needed to buy a $6000 Dior coat? Wasn't there a North Face store there or something?'
JB: 'North Face? Come on.'
HQ: 'Seriously! Whatever you needed that Dior jacket for, I'm sure you could have found an iconic alternative for.'
JB: 'That's not the point!'
HQ: 'Then what IS the point?'
JB: 'That the clothes make the man. Make the agent. If I'm going to save the world, I have to feel the part.'
HQ: 'Hold on...FEEL the part?'
JB: 'Absolutely. Consider Michael Jordan, basketball player from the 90s. Great player. Chicago Bulls. He wore a new pair of shoes every game so that he had that 'new shoe feeling' for every time he played.'
HQ: 'I remember that. Those were Air Jordans. Do you think he had to pay for those from Nike? No. There's no sponsorship here.'
JB: 'Well, maybe we should have some sort of sponsorship deal. Maybe Omega or something. Heineken.'
HQ: 'That reminds me...on your last mission to New York, you hit both of the Omega stores in Manhattan. BOTH of them.'
JB: 'Yes, I recall...'
HQ: 'Why on earth did you need to go to both of them? And why do I have bills from each store on your expense report?'
JB: 'Well, you see...'
HQ: 'And seriously, $15,000 on new Omega watches? Didn't you just have a new one five or six years ago, around the time you went to Mexico City and Rome?'
HQ: 'Don't you have something like 20 Rolexes now? Heck, I think you even have one of those digital Seiko watches, right? Even a Tag? How many watches do you need?'
HQ: 'And when did you find time on that mission to hit the Brunello Cuccinelli boutique on Madison Ave?'
JB: 'Well, I have to point out that you're approving the bills from the Q branch on $200,000 Aston Martins. I'm not sure why you're riding my case.'
HQ: 'Watch it, 007. Next mission, you're getting a Hyundai.'
There is a scene in the movie "Max Manus" that's pretty simular to this. Manus and another SOE agent hands over a list of requirements for the next mission to the secretary at the SOE office in Stockholm. The secretary was as close to Miss Moneypenny as you can get in real life and the writer interviewed her while writing the script, so I think it's pretty close to real events. Anyway, she goes down the list. "Fake ID, plastic explosive, a coat ..... five cartons of cigarettes! A case of bourbon ... are you kidding me!" 😂
😂😂😂 The expense account sketch was long overdue- we should have done that ages ago!
😂😂😂 Would the Head of Budgeting at MI6 have the title of B? Or A for Accounting.
2013. M’s office. Moneypenny has handed him today’s mail, after it has been through the normal security checking process. He is surprised to find a disc addressed to him, and inserts it into his office computer. He is even more surprised to find the unmistakeable face of his predecessor, the late Olivia Mansfield, addressing him.
Mansfield: Hello, Mallory. If you’re seeing this, it means that I’m dead and you are the new M. Enjoying it much?
Mansfield: I thought as much. This is a unique job, with many more stresses than rewards, as I’m sure you have discovered already. I hope you don’t mind some words from someone who held the job for many years. Firstly, by now you’ve probably had some friction with 007.
(Mallory pours himself a malt whisky.)
Mansfield: You don’t know whether to sack him or shoot him. Don’t worry, that’s normal. We all go through this stage, sometimes more than once.
Mallory: Very true.
Mansfield: However, resist the temptation. He is the best agent we’ve got, though I’ve never told him that, of course. Yes he takes chances, yes he can be insubordinate, but there’s no-one you can rely on more to see the mission through. One day he’ll take a chance too many and… well, let’s be honest, this is no time to lie- he won’t come back. But until then he is the one you can trust, no matter how much it may seem otherwise.
(Mallory pours himself another whisky.)
Mansfield: Let your deputies take some of the load from you, that’s what they’re there for. It’s too big a job to do otherwise. Give the admin work to Moneypenny and… and… that other fellow. Let them handle the day-to-day details.
That young chap I appointed as Quartermaster shows plenty of promise. I think he’ll turn out fine. Well, I think that’s all.
(Mallory heads for the whisky bottle again.)
Mansfield: Oh, one more thing- don’t drink too much of that whisky.
Mallory: (Startled.) What?
(The image fades from the screen.)
Courtesy of The Domino Effect and chums in this thread- Box Office Challenges - Page 3 — ajb007
202? Moneypenny’s office. A hand appears round the door and tosses a hat unerringly onto the rack.
Moneypenny: James! Back from Reading already?
Bond: Yes, it’s amazing what they can do with e-scooters these days.
Moneypenny: Same old James. (He pinches her bottom as she gets up to the filing cabinet.) Only more so! You have to cut that out, this isn’t 1969 any more.
Bond: Care to discuss 69 round my place tonight?
Moneypenny: No I do not. Now, better get in to see M- he’s been expecting you.
(Bond enters M’s office.)
M: Ah there you are, 007. Good to see you back from that nasty explosion, several bullet wounds, and that nanobot business, although looking a little different may I say?
Bond: That last mission… nearly killed me!