James Bond becomes reality adventure game show… — ajb007
Eon HQ, Jamaica, in a place that is definitely not Goldeneye, no sir. MGW and BB are hearing a pitch from a TV executive.
TV Guy: ...so we’re thinking of a game show, with a James Bond-style twist to it.
MGW: Game show?
TV Guy: Yeah, it’ll be like a race around the world using lots and lots of locations famous from the Bond movies.
BB: Just a race?
TV Guy: Oh no, there’ll be questions hidden in these locations that the contestants have to answer to move on to the next location.
MGW: Questions, you say?
TV Guy: That’s right, we’ll be testing the contestants for intelligence as well as endurance.
BB: (Aside.) Not to say the viewers.
TV Guy: What?
BB: Oh nothing, please continue.
TV Guy: As well as answering the questions, there’ll be physical obstacles and the contestants will work in pairs.
MGW: Have you got a title for it? Something classy, in line with Eon’s traditions?
TV Guy: We’re going with “007’s Road To A Million”.
(Barbara and Michael shudder, then confer.)
MGW: We think it sounds cheap and tacky.
BB: It’s the sort of thing that would devalue the Bond name, image, and brand.
TV Guy: ...so?
MGW: We’re in. Let Bezos worry about it.
I thought this thread was for imaginary conversations 👀😳
Ah well, perhaps. 😁
Ocean Exotica, Nassau branch.
Manager: Hello, Mr Largo?….. Yes, it’s Ocean Exotica here…. Yes, the shark food people. It seems that you’ve returned your supply of shark food today….. Not hungry? I must say, that’s very unusual for the Golden Grotto variety… No, I wouldn’t be calling except that you did this yesterday as well, and it’s very difficult to keep live food…. No, no, of course I don’t find anything suspicious… No, not at all, but we’ve been delivering to you for two weeks now and I wouldn’t like to think there’s any complaints about our product…. Perhaps you’ve found an alternative supplier?… Well, that’s very kind of you…. Yes, Mr Largo, I’ll be glad to come round to your place- Palmyra, isn’t it?- tomorrow at feeding time and you can show me exactly how you’ve been feeding your sharks. I’ll see you then…. Bye.
And I thought I was dark in The Ipcress Folio coda. 😁😁😁
I'd better make the next one lighter!
Cheerful Cellos, Vienna. Two apprentices are hard at work, giving a brand new and just finished cello a final polish.
Stefan: Not long now, Carl.
Carl: Yes, our apprenticeship is almost over. Soon we will be able to set up our own cello-making establishment!
Stefan: It has been fun, though, hasn’t it?
Carl: Fun? Hours upon hours selecting the best spruce and maple, carefully cutting it and planing it, using the best and only the best varnish… Yes, you’re right, it has been fun!
Stefan: Not to mention the day out at the local stables.
Carl: Oh yes, to pick out only the finest horsehair for the bow.
Stefan: Could be worse- we could be making porcelain at Meissen!
Carl: Oh yes- at least here they don’t smash your work against the wall!
(The door opens and the master cellomaker enters, accompanied by a dark-haired moustached man in his forties and a long-haired woman in her twenties.)
Master: So, you are just about finished there, boys?
Stefan: Oh yes, Herr Cellomeister, we’re just about finished.
Master: Good, I have some customers here who might be interested in buying your cello.
(The man and woman look over the cello carefully, smile at each other, then nod to the master.)
Master: Congratulations, Carl and Stefan- you’ve just made your first sale!
(Six months later, Stefan and Carl go to the cinema.)
Carl: Oh, I hope this will be a good one!
Stefan: Yes, it’s the first with the new guy.
Carl: Well, the other one was getting pretty old.
(The lights go down.)
Stefan: (About half an hour later.) Carl, you don’t think…?
Carl: No, surely not.
Stefan: Oh wait, I recognize it! I’m sure-
Carl: Oh no!
(Other audience members “Shush” them.)
Stefan: That’s not how you’re meant to use a cello!
Carl: All our hard work!
(The “shushing” gets louder and more insistent.)
Stefan: They’ve shot it! It’s got a hole!
Carl: A bullet hole!
(Ten minutes later they have been thrown out to the street, beside a tall weeping German.)
Stefan: Not my kind of movie, anyway.
Carl: Yeah- too much sax and violins.
1962. Pinewood Studios, Editing Suite. Peter Hunt is hard at work, becoming more and more frustrated, when Terence Young walks in.
Terence: Hello there, Peter, how are things going?
Peter: How are things going? Terrible!
Terence: Oh surely it can’t be as bad as that. How far have you got to?
Peter: I’m at the scene where Bond goes to Miss Taro’s place and Professor Dent tries to shoot him.
Terence: And what’s wrong?
Peter: It’d be quicker to tell you what’s right! Well, for one thing you remember when she gives him directions to her place?
Terence: Of course. “You leave the Port Royal Road out of Kingston. Then, along the Winthrop Road, until you get to the cement factory. Then you turn left. Follow the road up the hill. Down the other side. And two miles further on, on the left, Magenta Drive 2391. I'll be waiting for you.”
Peter: Sure, but then later he calls what she thinks is a taxi to “2171 Magenta Drive” and she nods!
Terence: Oh, nobody will notice that!
Peter: Maybe not the first time they see this film, but if they watch it again they will.
Terence: (Scoffs.) Who’s going to watch this again and again?
Peter: Well, same scene, we have to see Professor Dent walking up to the house and you haven’t shot that!
Terence: What? Are you sure?
Peter: I’ve been through all the rushes- it’s not there.
Terence: There’s no way Cubby and Harry are going to allow us to go back out to Jamaica just to film that one shot. Hmm, let me think… Take the shot of James Bond walking up to the house, change the angle, put a night filter on it.
Peter: (Doubtful.) Are you sure?
Terence: Don’t see what else we can do.
Peter: All right, I’ll do that, but also-
Terence: You mean there’s more?
Peter: Oh yes. Are you sure you were sober shooting this part?
Terence: Of course I was sober! ….Though I had been out drinking with Ian Fleming the night before.
Peter: Ah, that explains it.
Terence: Just one drink!
Peter: Well, I think we all know what one of his drinks is like- three measures of Gordons, one of vodka, half a measure of-
Terence: All right, all right. Point taken. What else have you noticed?
Peter: Bond puts a silencer on his gun.
Peter: In the long shot he’s wearing a tie. In the close-up he isn’t.
Terence: Oh well, I think-
Peter: And it’s the wrong gun.
Terence: Right… just go for it, keep the shots short.
Peter: Then there’s his sock. In some shots-
Terence: Enough, Peter! You’re going into too much detail! It’s not like some nerd will be writing these all out for other nerds to read sixty years from now!
Very good, as usual, Barbel 😁
SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE - BOND 26 - Another Reboot.
M and Tanner in M’s office:
M: (Speaking into intercom) Send in the last applicant, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: Ahem! Miss Moneypenny to you!
M: Ah! Sorry…Miss Moneypenny… I keep forgetting these new rules…everyone must be treated as an equal.
A man enters M’s office and sits down in front of a desk with M and Tanner on the other side.
Tanner: You’re Mr… (shuffles papers trying to read the name)
Bond: Bond…James Bond.
Tanner: Yes, yes…um…you’re applying for the position of a double-O agent?
Bond: Yes, I feel that I am perfect for the new style of agent required by Her Majesty’s Secret Service.
M: You are aware that this is a licence to kill position?
Bond: Well, I think that must be a last resort, talking is much more preferable in the course of events, violence is never a good action to take when you could discuss the reasons behind the actions of the perpetrator.
M and Tanner exchange glances.
M: How about women? Would you, for example, make love to an enemy spy for Queen and country?
Bond: For goodness sake, no. Women are to be respected. In fact I have no experience of women at all, it is harassment to even talk to a woman in case she may feel violated, for instance, saying that you like her pretty dress, or her hair-do, is an extreme sexual advance that I consider to be most inappropriate.
M: You have passed the advanced driving test?
Bond: Yes, and of course I would never break any speed limit or drive in any way that would endanger others.
M: Going into deep cover…you would blend in as any person that would fit the situation…a Japanese fisherman for example?
Bond: No, no, no. That would be cultural appropriation and not acceptable. I can only be myself, a virgin, English male, vegan of course, I could never have crabs for example.
Tanner: Well, if you never go with women that won’t be a problem.
M: Anyway, thank you Bond…I mean Mr Bond…u can go now and we will notify you in due course.
M: So it’s a toss up between Flint and Helm?
Tanner: Or Palmer…?
M: Where’s his file…?
😂😂😂 It's all too likely, I'm afraid. Can you hear that strange rolling sound coming from Fleming's grave, even from where you are?
1962. Set of “Dr No”. Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman show a visiting Ian Fleming around the sets, introducing him to cast and crew.
Cubby: ...and this is our director, Mr Terence Young.
Fleming: I believe we’ve met, Mr Young.
Terence: Indeed, but I trust we’re going to get along better now.
Fleming: But of course.
(They eye each other warily.)
Harry: And our leading actors. Sean Connery you know, of course.
Sean: A pleashure to shee you again, Mr-
Fleming: But who is this delightful young lady here?
Cubby: This is our leading lady, Miss Ursula Andress.
Fleming: What a lovely name!
Ursula: Thank you, Mr Fleming.
Fleming: Call me Ian, my dear. And where are you from, Miss Andress, Sweden perhaps?
Ursula: No, I am Swiss.
Fleming: Swiss! What a coincidence! I am writing James Bond’s latest adventure at the moment, and in it he goes to Switzerland.
Ursula: That is interesting.
Sean: Yesh, and-
Fleming: Perhaps you might like to come round and give me some tips on Switzerland, just for some local colour?
Ursula: Well, I don’t know…
Fleming: Of course you can! And maybe we could have a drink or two?
Sean: Mr Fleming, I think-
Fleming: I know! I can write you into the novel! Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
Ursula: That is very flattering, Mr Flem-
Fleming: Ian, my dear, Ian!
Ursula: Er, Ian, yes, of course.
Sean: Thish shcene we’re doing jusht now ish-
Fleming: So, what time does shooting stop today?
Harry: We stop at 6pm.
Fleming: Excellent! So, Ursula, I’ll pick you up at, let’s say, 6.15?
(He wanders off. Sean and Ursula look at Cubby and Harry, who shrug helplessly.)
Have you got a time machine, Barbel, this looks uncannily true!
And yes, I can hear Fleming turning in his grave loud and clear, loud and clear.
The time machine + a bug in the offices of Eon. I have the idea for another, might write it out later tonight if I get the chance.
2015. Rome. Spectre HQ. Ernst Stavro Blofeld prepares for the big meeting.
Blofeld: (Staring into mirror.) The hair, I don’t know, is it too bouncy?
Dresser: No, Herr Oberhau- (Sees the death glare from Blofeld’s eyes.) I mean, Herr Blofeld, I think it is fine.
Blofeld: (Touches hair.) I’m not sure, it might perhaps be a bit too casual.
Dresser: We could always go the traditional route and shave it all off….
Blofeld: (Quickly.) No, no, it’s fine, just leave it. Now, what do we have here…? I think I shall have this!
Dresser: Ah, the eyepatch. We call that the “Adolfo”. A bit dated, Herr Blofeld.
Blofeld: Well, this, then. (He holds up a fake scar with an eyehole in the middle.)
Dresser: Ah, the “Evil” scar. No, I don’t think you want that, sir.
Blofeld: And why not?
Dresser: It is known in the trade as the “Mike Myers Special”. Not something you want to be drawing attention to, if you see what I mean.
Blofeld: A lame hand? A hump? A beard?
Dresser: I think you look fine just as you are, Herr Blofeld. The Nehru suit and lack of socks definitely complement your style.
(There is a knock at the door, and a head appears round it.)
Head: He’s here now, Herr Blofeld.
Blofeld: Are you sure it’s him?
Head: He’s on the balcony. Gave his name as “Mickey Mouse”. Blue eyes, blond hair, about 5’6” – (There is the sound of a kick.)- Ow! I mean, about six foot tall.
Blofeld: Excellent. Let us go. Neal! Robert!
(His two bodyguards slot into place beside him and he heads for the door.)
Dresser: Oh, I almost forgot- Herr Blofeld!
Blofeld: (Turning, annoyed.) Yes, what is it?
(The dresser produces a small bottle and sprays it lightly on Blofeld.)
Dresser: Just arrived today! It’s called “Eau de Mal Homme.”
Blofeld: Where did we get it from?
Dresser: A present from Vlad in Moscow.
Blofeld: I must send him something in return. Oh well, time for the, shall I say, reunion?
1993. Eon HQ, in a tower on the Black Sea.
Cubby: Ah, Tim, come in, come in.
(Dalton sits down.)
Dalton: Nice to see you again, Cubby. And you, Michael.
MGW: Hi, Tim.
Cubby: Did you enjoy that “Rocketeer” movie?
Dalton: Yes, I enjoyed playing the villain.
Cubby: Now, we know you’ve come to the end of your contract but we have one more Bond film we’d be interested in seeing you do.
Dalton: It’s not the one with the robots, is it?
Cubby: No, no. We have a new script. You’d be going to Russia and Cuba.
Dalton: Hmm, tell me more.
MGW: Sean Bean will be the villain- he used to be Bond’s friend, 006.
Dalton: Well, that sounds good.
Cubby: We have a beautiful female villain called Xenia Onatopp.
Cubby: Onatopp. And a good female lead, too, called Izabella Scor...Scoroo…
MGW: Izabella Scorupco.
Cubby: Yeah, right, she’s a Russian called Natalie Smoov… Nata…
MGW: Natalya Simonova, Cubby.
Cubby: Yeah, right, but most of all we have a new M.
Dalton: A new M? That’s interesting. Charles Dance, maybe?
Cubby: No, no. We have... Judi Dench.
Dalton: (Impressed.) Judi Dench???
Cubby: That’s right.
Dalton: Dame Judi Dench????
MGW: Dame Judi Dench. She’s our new M.
Dalton: That’s very impressive.
Cubby: So, what do you say?
Dalton: I’ll need some time to think it over. Can I call you tomorrow?
Cubby: Yes, of course.
Dalton: (Getting up.) Well, then, I’ll phone you tomorrow.
MGW: Yes, Cubby?
Cubby: Give Pierce Brosnan a call.
That time machine and the Eon bug are working well, Barbel 😂😂😂
2006. Eon HQ, in a hydrofoil off Nassau.
BB: So, we’ve reached the second half of the script. Any ideas?
Wade: Well, Neal and I have been talking…
MGW: Sure, what have you got?
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Le Chiffre.
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Le Chiffre were brought up as brothers.
Purvis: Le Chiffre is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: I’m calling you cuckoo.
Wade: No, listen, he says “We’re not so very different, you and I” drawing a parallel between the two of them.
MGW: I’m drawing a line under this right now. This sounds awfully like what happened in the Austin Powers movies.
BB: No, we’re not going there. We do the card game, Le Chiffre battering Bond’s balls, then spend the rest of the film with Bond and Vesper falling in love.
MGW: We said NO, Robert. Now, let’s hear no more about it.
2008. Eon HQ, in a rocket base in Brazil.
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Dominic Greene.
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Greene were brought up as brothers.
Purvis: Greene is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: No, we’re not going there. We do the exploding hotel, Greene being abandoned in the desert, Bond totally not getting off with Camille, then end with him and M.
2012. Eon HQ, in a fishing boat off Jamaica.
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Silva.
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Silva were brought up as brothers.
Purvis: Silva is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
BB: No, we’re not going there. We do the lonely house in Scotland, M getting killed, then back to London where Bond greets the new M.
2015. Eon HQ, in a London Underground station.
Purvis: Bond has been disturbed by memories- we’ve seen a childhood picture of him and Blofeld.
Wade: It turns out that Bond and Blofeld were brought up as brothers.
Purvis: Blofeld is jealous of Bond for stealing his father’s affections- in fact, he calls him “cuckoo”.
MGW: Haven’t you suggested this before?
Purvis/Wade: What? No! Not us! Etc
MGW: Let’s go for it!
BB: Yeah, nobody will be expecting this! They’ll all love it!
1983. The house of James Villiers. Villiers paces back and forward.
Mrs Villiers: Will you relax, James?
Villiers: I can’t relax!
Mrs Villiers: If they want you, they’ll call you.
Villiers: That’s just it. I know they start shooting “Octopussy” next week, and I haven’t heard anything!
Mrs Villiers: Did they say they would call?
Villiers: No, they didn’t, but I was good enough to step into the breach for “For Your Eyes Only” when Bernard Lee had died and I replaced him, playing Bill Tanner.
Mrs Villiers: Yes, I remember.
Villiers: So you’d think they would want me to continue. I mean, they’re known to do that sort of thing- Lois Maxwell, Desmond Llewelyn for instance.
Mrs Villiers: Yes, I know.
Villiers: So the next logical step is to make me M!
Mrs Villiers: Just sit down, I’ll make us a cup of tea.
Villiers: I can’t sit down!
Mrs Villiers: James, sit down!
(He reluctantly sits down, then leaps to his feet five seconds later.)
Villiers: They’ve got to phone! Time’s getting really short!
Mrs Villiers: Look, James-
(The telephone rings. They stare at each other, then Villiers grabs the phone.)
Villiers: Hello? Hello? Yes, it’s me. (He covers the mouthpiece and speaks to Mrs Villiers.) It’s my agent.
Mrs Villiers: (Relieved.) Oh, good.
Villiers: Yes, I’m listening… You have a copy of the cast list? And…. Robert Brown is playing M?
Mrs Villiers: Oh dear…
Villiers: So, who’s playing Tanner? …. Nobody??? Are you sure?…. Yes, all right. I’ll call you later. (Hangs up.)
Mrs Villiers: Oh James, that’s a shame.
Villiers: (Deep breaths.) All right, all right. Just because Tanner isn’t in this film doesn’t mean he won’t be back. And I know they’ll be wanting me then!
(With thanks to caractacus potts)
1987. The home of Lois Maxwell. The telephone rings.
Cubby: Hi Lois, it’s Cubby.
Lois: Cubby, how nice to hear from you.
Cubby: Yeah, well…. Look, Lois, it’s been a long time since we started out.
Lois: Twenty-five years, Cubby.
Cubby: Time goes fast, doesn’t it?
Lois: Sometimes it only seems like yesterday, I was given the choice of playing Miss Moneypenny or Sylvia Trench.
Cubby: And you chose Moneypenny, of course.
Lois: Well, she gets to wear more clothes!
Cubby: Look, Lois, I have to tell you this. We’ve hired a new actor as James Bond.
Lois: Yes, Pierce Brosnan, I read all about it.
Cubby: No, that didn’t work out- he has to keep playing Remington Steele on television, you see.
Cubby: We’ve went with Timothy Dalton- he’s been considered a few times before.
Lois: Oh yes, he’s good.
Cubby: Yes, but… he’s also about twenty years younger than Roger was, and … and…
Lois: I think I see where you’re going with this.
Cubby: (Deep breath.) Lois, we won’t be using you on the next film, “The Living Daylights”.
Lois: Well, it would look silly me making eyes at Timothy Dalton!
Cubby: I just thought I’d rather speak to you myself than let someone else do it.
Lois: I understand, and I appreciate that, Cubby, I really do.
Cubby: You take care of yourself now.
Lois: And you, Cubby. And you.
(They hang up. Lois looks around the walls of her room.)
(And cries a single tear.)
Oh the pathos.
In another universe Dalton took over for Connery in OHMSS and in all likelihood Ms. Maxwell was replaced in 1969.
Sounds good, Westward, looking forward to reading it.
I’m almost shedding a tear myself, Barbel 🥲
Nice try...although she could have returned in NSNA with Sean Connery. Hmmm. Now I've got a bloody idea. Dammit, Barbel.
A timeline near our own where a young Timothy Dalton replaced Sean Connery in ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE.
Lois Maxwell answers her phone to a familiar voice.
Sean: Hello, Loish? It’s Sean. I have shomething very important to ashk you.
Lois: Hello, Sean. What can I do for you?
Sean: Loish, as you may know my “rival” Bond movie begins production next month. I want you there.
Lois: That’s very generous of you, Sean, but I don’t know….
Sean: Lishten, Cubby was a f*cking moron to let you go after I quit.
Lois: I understand his reasoning. Tim Dalton was a child back in ‘69. I would have looked like his mother next to him.
Sean: Nonshense. You’ve shtill got it and I shay you join me and we give the middle finger to Eon.
Lois: Coming in for a scene or two to rehash the old routine just won’t cut it, Sean. Also, my agent slipped me the sides for Moneypenny. She’s clueless. “Free radicals”!?! It’s embarrassing.
Sean: Loish, I’m doing mosht of the producer duties on the film. My writers are rewriting the shcript. Tell me what you want and I can make it happen.
1983. Elstree Studios.
Interior M’s Office:
Bond enters M’s office. He stops at the large desk. M’s chair is turned away from Bond.
Bond: 007 reporting as ordered, M.
M’s chair swivels around to reveal Moneypenny as the new M.
M: Sit down, James. We need to discuss the results of your field exercise.
Bond: Of coursh, Moneypenny. Shorry...M.
They give each other a knowing smile and return to business.
Lovely, Westward, that's the level we're after- there's just enough truth! Glad to have inspired you to write it.
now thats a well reasoned alternate history scenario!
Another road to go down- alternate history. We've touched on that once or twice before.
For caractacus potts and Westward_Drift.
1963. Eon HQ- still only an office, the many many millions have still to roll in. Harry Saltzman & Cubby Broccoli are in discussion- still friendly, in the main, their deeper quarrels have still to set in.
Harry: Well, I like it.
Cubby: It’s just not right, Harry, we have to change it.
Harry: I don’t see what’s wrong with it.
Cubby: Look, let’s just take a scene at random- here, Bond meets Kerim.
Kerim: Ah, greetings my friend.
Bond: ‘Allo me old china, ‘owzabout a bit of a chinwag, eh?
(Bond takes his glasses off and cleans them on his tie.)
Cubby: You can’t see anything wrong with that?
Harry: Sounds good to me.
(Cubby sighs and presses a button on the intercom.)
Secretary: Yes, Mr Broccoli?
Cubby: Send in Mr Deighton, would you please?
Secretary: Of course, sir.
(The door opens, and Len Deighton enters.)
Deighton: Good morning, gentlemen.
Harry: Good morning, Len. Cubby here feels there may be one or two little drawbacks with the screenplay of “From Russia With Love” that you’ve been writing for us.
Deighton: Oh yes? And what might those be?
Cubby: Look, let’s just take another scene. (He flicks through the screenplay.) Here, Kerim takes Bond to the gypsy camp.
Kerim: Tonight, my friend, we are going to a gypsy camp.
Bond: Cor blimey, guv, gypsies? They goin’ to be trying to sell us somefin?
Kerim: These are very good friends of mine.
Bond: Well I ain’t so sure, I’ll be sittin’ on me wallet an’ keepin’ me hand over me watch, know what I mean?
Deighton: Yes, I was quite pleased with that part.
Cubby: Quite pleased? Have you read any of the James Bond books? Or seen our first movie? Do you know how James Bond talks, for God’s sake?
Harry: Hey, hold on a minute, Cubby.
Deighton: Well, I thought that-
Cubby: I don’t think that!!!
Harry: Listen, Cubby, I’ve got an idea. (Cubby’s eyes roll in sarcastic shock, but Harry misses it.) Why don’t Len and I go off together and work on one of his ideas, maybe that “Ipcress” story?
Deighton: Hmmm…. All right with me.
Cubby: And meanwhile?
Harry: Meanwhile, you give Richard Maibaum a call again and the two of you can work on “From Russia With Love”.
Cubby: Hmmm… All right, fair enough- but I claim John Barry!
Harry: Let’s toss a coin for it.
(While the coin is in the air…)
Cubby: Loser gets Monty Norman.
good What If!
takes me back to me days as a chimbleysweep