That's a twist, Barbel. Very unexpected. Well done.
that Martha and Jonathon, they see aliens everywhere
Thank you very much. Sometimes these ideas take a long time, while sometimes they arrive faster than a speeding bullet.
2012. Miss Moneypenny’s apartment. She is happily listening to the soothing voice of Barry Manilow as she dusts and tidies up when there is a knock on the door. She answers it to reveal her sister, Jane.
Jane: Eve, darling!
(They embrace and kiss. Jane comes in and looks around.)
Jane: How different your place looks!
Eve: Yes, I told you I was having it redecorated.
Jane: Here, I got you a little something.
(She hands over a small parcel.)
Eve: (Opening parcel.) Oh, you shouldn’t have…. Perfume! It’s Calypso!
Jane: Yes, I know that’s your favourite.
Eve: Thank you, Jane. Would you like a drink?
Jane: Yes, please. Oh, I see you’ve got a home bar now.
Eve: It was part of the redecoration.
Jane: Let me see…. Vodka, Gordon’s gin, Kina Lillet…. I might have known.
Eve: Whatever do you mean?
Jane: And a shaker, some ice, lemon… you’ve got all the right ingredients, haven’t you?
Eve: (Totally innocently.) Ingredients for what?
Jane: You know exactly what. (Sighs.) You still haven’t given up hope, have you?
Jane: You’re wanting to bring him back here. Give him some angel cake, mix him a drink, listen to some Barry Manilow, and then….
Eve: (Seeing there’s no point pretending.) Yes, I suppose you’re right. You’re still my guardian angel.
Jane: You’ve been wanting him for how long now? About-
Eve: (Quickly.) Yes, it’s been a long time.
Jane: Don’t you think it’s time to move on?
Eve: Move on? Maybe just a little longer….
Jane: No, now! He’s had his chance, many chances. No final fling. It’s time for you to find someone else to pin your hopes on.
Eve: Well, there’s the new head of Q Branch, he’s rather dishy.
Jane: I think you’re barking up the wrong tree there, Eve.
Eve: I suppose you’re right. But….
Jane: But what?
Eve: I have to go see him tomorrow.
Eve: You know I can’t tell you that.
Jane: Still Her Majesty’s secret servant.
Eve: Anyway, I do have to see him. Let’s see if anything crops up there…..
Apologies if this has already been done, I'm only an occasional visitor to AJB these days, but at work this afternoon as I was drowning Kittens
( It's not part of my work, I just enjoy it ) This idea popped in to my head. I imagine Ronnie Barker as the Eon representative, with Ronnie Corbett
as the Whitehall Mandarin and the beautiful Madeline Smith as the secretary.
A phone rings on an office Desk ..........
" Hello, Chumney-Fumbley-Farcourt-Bonner-Right Here."
" Oh, I only want one person "
" You've got one , I'm Hyphenated "
" You sound it, I'm from Eon productions, to get a few Notes from you about One of your Agent Johnnies ?"
" Oh Yes, Mr James shall we call him, I have the notes here, Much of it redacted of course but it should give you a feel for the man."
" Good Mr Black will be pleased, he'd like to do a really great Theme "
" Very well I shall begin ........ He always runs while others walk ( Wha, wha, wha Wha --- )
" Please Miss Placed-affections put down that trumpet ! There's a time and a place !"
" Typical politician It's OK for you to play with yourself all afternoon"
" Miss Placed-affections, It's By myself and it's Solitaire , now just take some notes "
"Sorry about that now where were we, ... ah yes He always runs while others walk
" So he's always rushing around the office "
" He acts while other men just talk "
" Likes his amateur Dramatics, does he "
"He looks at this world and wants it all "
" Bit of a greedy guts, I got it "
" So he strikes ....... "
" Bit of a left wing Bolshie is he , always complaining in a loud voice. "
" He Thunders and Balls "
" He knows the meaning of success "
" So he's got a Thesaurus then "
" His needs are more, so he gives less "
" Greedy again and doesn't give to charity "
" They call him the winner who takes all "
" Nick name then, bet he doesn't like it "
" And he strikes like........ "
" On strike again, I guess he Thunders and Balls again I suppose "
" Any woman he wants, he'll get "
" Bit of a sexual predator then "
" He will break any heart without regret "
" He must be a nightmare for the office Human Resources "
" His days of asking are all gone "
" A bit rude is he "
" His fight goes on and on and on "
" Bit of an Office Trouble maker "
" But he thinks that the fight is worth it all "
" I'm sure he does, he seems very opinionated "
" So he strikes ...... "
" He didn't go on strike again did he "
" Thunders and balls "
" To anyone who'd listen I'd guess."
" Any of this a help to you "
" Honestly No, I can't see Mr Black being able to string any of this in to a fantastic theme, but I'll pass it on, Thank you "
" Good bye "
Replacing the receiver he looks across to Miss Placed-Affections .....
" It's odd looking at this, Bond went to a good public school. He has had a string of women, he's untrustworthy and takes
No responsibility for his actions !"
" so ?"
" I'm just amazed he's not Prime Minister "
Yes, I can easily see the Two Ronnies doing that! 😂
Moneypenny: James, where on earth have you been? I've been searching London for you.
Bond: I was at the casino winning lots of money. After that I was playing golf with a gorgeous brunette in a shirt.
MP: Is that all?
Bond: No wait, I think she was wearing shoes too.
MP: As one should when one plays golf. So what pick up lines did you use this time?
Bond: Oh not many, just three words really; “Bond, (subtle music plays in the background) James Bond”.
MP: (sarcastically) Oh that’ll catch on and what’s so special about them anyway?
Bond: I think it was more to do with the way I said it. I don’t think anybody does it better.
MP: Don’t you mean “Nobody does it better”?
Bond: Ah yes, that’s the one. Anyway, when I got your message I left immediately.
MP: (looking a little suspicious) Immediately?
Bond: Almost immediately.
MP: Oh. In you go.
Bond: Good evening Sir.
M: It happens to be 3.00am. When do you sleep 007?
Bond: I could ask you the same thing.
M: Sit down. Jamaica went off the air tonight, in the middle of the opening procedure. We've checked and... Strangways has disappeared. So has his secretary. A new girl. We'd only just sent her out.
Bond: Was Strangways on something… special?
M: He was checking an enquiry from the Americans. The American CIA sent a man down to work with Strangways. A fellow called Leiter. Do you know him?
Bond: I’ve heard of him. Never met him. Has he found out anything important?
M: Better ask "him". You're booked on the 7 o'clock plane to Kingston.
(Armourer enters the room)
M: (to Bond) Take off your jacket.
Bond: You don’t say that as if you mean it.
M: This damn Beretta again. I've told you about this before. (to Armourer) You tell him - for the last time.
Armourer: The Beretta, has about as much stopping power as an Evertonian goalkeeper. However, it’s nice and light - in a lady's handbag.
Bond: How do you know that?
Armourer: Know what?
Bond: That it’s nice and light in a lady’s handbag.
Armourer: Well, when I was going through my ‘J Edgar Hoover’ phase I needed something to match one of my dresses and so…
M: (getting agitated) Armourer, get on with the briefing.
Armourer: Yes Sir, sorry Sir. Walther PPK. 7.65mm with a delivery like a brick through a plate-glass window. Takes a Brausch silencer, with little reduction in muzzle velocity.
M: The American CIA swear by them.
Bond: As opposed to the French CIA? The Russian CIA?
M: Any questions 007?
Bond: No Sir.
Bond starts to walk out with the Beretta.
M: I wasn’t born yesterday.
Bond walks out with his tail between his legs
At the beach in Crab Key (1962)
Honey Ryder: (singing in a beautiful dulcet tone)
Underneath the mango tree
La-la la-la dee
Come watch for the moon
Mango tree, me honey and me
Underneath the mango tree...
Make bu-lu-lup soon
La-la-la dee-da-da... me honey and me
Bond: (attempting to sing) Underneath the mango tree My honey and me...
Ryder: Stop right there.
Bond: It's all right. I'm not supposed to be here, either.
Ryder: No, I mean cut out that infernal racket. You ruined a perfectly good song. Egads man - you sound worse than Gymkata. Next thing you’ll be singing the same song holding a cup above your Granddaughters head cackling away.
Bond: You know, that’s not a bad idea.
Ryder: What are "you" doing here? Looking for shells?
Bond: No. I'm just perv ...er, umm, I ...I mean I’m just looking. I promise I won't steal your shells.
Ryder: I promise you you won't, either.
Bond: Are they valuable?
Ryder: This one is worth $50 in Miami. 50! I sell them down by the sea.
Bond: You shell your shea-shells by the sheashore?
Ryder: WTF did you jusht shay? Now you've got me doing it.
Bond: Anyway, I can assure you, my intentions are strictly honorable.
Ryder: (a likely story).
Bond: What's your name?
Bond: Ryder what?
Ryder: Sometimes a horse, occasionally a bike.
Bond: I like an early morning ride.
Ryder: I’ll bet you do. What's your name?
Bond: Bond, (subtle music starts playing) James Bond.
A frantic Cayman Islander man starts running towards them. Honey pulls out a large knife ready to defend herself
Bond: It’s alright, that’s Quarrel - he’s with me.
Quarrel: Cap'n, beggin' yo pardon, but kin yo tell me what yo have in mind for we? I'se bin puzzlin' an' Ah caint seem to figger hout yo game.
Ryder: Your accent Quarrel? Manchester?
Quarrel: Close, Liverpool.
Bond: Yes, it’s a town in the North West of England. It’s where the Beatles come from.
Ryder: No they don't. Beetles are insects that form the order Coleoptera, in the superorder. Endopterygota. The Coleoptera, with about 400,000 described species, are found all over the world.
Bond: You’re cleverer than you look.
Ryder: I know. I’ve done three weeks training.
Bond: I was actually referring to a pop band called the Beatles who have just started out. I don’t think they’ll be very popular though. Probably best listened to with a pair of earmuffs.
Ryder: So why buy the record in the first place?
Bond: Well - we better take some cover. (to Quarrel) Fetch my shoes.
Quarrel: (First the girl, and the camera, now his flamin’ shoes). Listen Honky - you go and fetch your own god-damned shoes. And you ever speak to me like that ever again, I’ll kick your scrawny little white arse all the way back to Kingston.
Bond: Yes Quarrel, sorry Quarrel.
Quarrel and Honey Ryder run away to hide. Bond follows with his tail between his legs - and his shoes.
Lovely stuff, Mr Snow, and I like the attention to detail. You know, it wouldn't take much effort to extend that into covering the whole movie- or most of it anyway. I'd love to read your take on meeting Dr No, for example.
Except Liverpool is a City and not a town 😏
But most enjoyable 👏🏻
I love the idea of the cross-dressing Armourer. A naked civil servant?
I'm sure it's only a matter of time before there's a trans Q. Trans World Consortium?
"I never joke about my gender, Double-O Seven."
@Mr Snow Very, very good 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
Thank you for the kind words chaps - glad you enjoyed it.
Sir Miles - you are exactly right, Liverpool is a City - not a town, so my bad on that one.
1981. London. James Bond is flying a helicopter with Blofeld, in a wheelchair, attached to one of the copter’s skids. They are heading for a tall chimney.
Blofeld: Mr Bond! Mr Bond! We can do a deal! I’ll buy you a delicatessen- in stainless steel!
Bond: (Hesitates.) Stainless steel, you say?
(He turns the helicopter around and heads back to land it.)
Six months later….
(A delicatessen in London. Bond is working behind the counter when Moneypenny enters.)
Bond: Good morning, madam, how can I help…. Moneypenny!
Moneypenny: I’ve been searching all over London for you.
Moneypenny: Your resignation took us all by surprise, and you didn’t tell us where you would be working.
Bond: Well, I’ve always wanted a quiet time with my favourite foods.
Moneypenny: So I see. It’s… it’s very shiny in here, isn’t it?
Bond: Ah yes, that’ll be the stainless steel.
Moneypenny: A delicatessen in stainless steel? However did you find enough money to buy one of those?
Bond: Oh, I had some help from an old friend, shall we say.
Moneypenny: Look, James, we need you back at the office. A spy ship has sunk and it had a very important bit of technology aboard which we need to get back before the Russians get their hands on it.
Bond: You’ll just have to ask 008, I’ve quit.
Moneypenny: Queen and country, James.
Bond: (Firmly.) The answer’s no.
(The kitchen door opens. A bald man in a wheelchair comes in.)
Bald Man: That’s the new delivery here, Mr Bond.
Bond: Tell them I’ll be there in a moment, Ernst.
(He goes back to the kitchen.)
Moneypenny: Ernst…? You don’t mean…?
Bond: No idea what you’re talking about, Moneypenny. Now, unless you want to buy something I suggest you go back to the office and tell them I said “no”.
Bond and Blofeld are busy serving at the delicatessen, when some familiar faces drop by, tipped off by Moneypenny.
M: This will not stand.
Bond: It will. It's made of stainless steel.
Sir Frederick Gray (to M): Your man should be taken off the food court.
Bond: Moneypenny, I should put you over my knee!
Moneypenny: On avocado salad and ciabatta toasties? I'd like to see you try!
Blofeld (to Monepenny, who suddenly falls into a trance): Do you remember when you first came here? How you hated chicken and chorizo bites? How you were sick when you even saw one? But all of that is over now. I have taught you to love chicken and chorizo bites...
Admiral Roebuck: That's it, we've seen enough. This is a military matter now. One strike and we take out half the world's mushroom fondue and mint aiolo.
Blofeld: Close stainless steel shutters.
Bond: Stainless steel shutters closing.
Ah, I recognize that. Now, was that from "You Only Liverwurst Twice" or "The Spy Who Loved Meatloaf"?
By Thunderpussy and Barbel-
1983. An agent’s office in London. No, a theatrical agent. Rowan Atkinson enters.
Agent: Hi Rowan, how are you? How's your plan for that Blackadder thing working out?
Atkinson: All fine, thank you. “Blackadder” is taking shape quite nicely.
Agent: A cunning plan eh? How do you fancy a break? A part in a guaranteed multi-million success?
Atkinson: I could be persuaded. If the money's right ... eh? I mean If the role offers me a chance to stretch my acting talent, I'm very much a working thespian these days. What’s the part?
Agent: Well, there’s a new James Bond film being shot.
Atkinson: James Bond…?
(He unconsciously adopts the Bond pose, holding his right forefinger over his left shoulder as he thinks... I'd better start training, in the gym. Some weights and cardio exercises. I knew this day would come. I won't let you down ...)
Agent: Alas, no, you won’t be playing James Bond.
Atkinson: Ah, pity. I have some ideas along those lines. M then? I'd love to play "Older", to show my vast range of characters. A limp perhaps or how about in drag? Ever think of a female M ?
Agent: Sadly no, Not M.
Atkinson: Moneypenny then, I could drag up for that, I'm very impressive in a backless dress and a wimple!
Agent: No sorry, it's ........
Atkinson: Still, I take it I’ll be working with Roger Moore? We can exchange anecdotes on showbiz. He did Ivanhoe didn't he? We can talk about working in tights.
Agent: Again no, there are two Bond films being made this year.
Atkinson: Two? Well who's playing Bond in the other? Lazenby's not back, is he?
Agent: You’ll be working with Sean Connery.
Atkinson: I thought he said he’d never play James Bond again.... and then again.
Agent: Funny you should say that. Anyway, he’s been persuaded. Great script, stunts and as for the score, you haven't heard the like of it before!
Atkinson: Do I play the villain, then? I can really let loose my inner "Bad Guy"! Electrocute a henchman or maybe feed one to a shark so his head could be bobbing in the sea. Have you heard me say "Bob"? It always gets a laugh, so it would be a change to get a grimace from it.
Agent: No, you’re the comedy relief.
(A silent pause stretches out........... )
Atkinson: Then I don’t think I want to do that. I’m trying to become a more serious actor these days and cut down on the comedy. I have an idea to do a Scooby Doo film and also a character who doesn't speak at all.
Agent: You sure?
Atkinson: Yes, I don’t want to play the clown in Pinewood Studios or wherever. My art is everything to me now I don't think there's anything you could say to persuade me.
Agent: This is the payment (The agent pushes a piece of paper across the table.) and all your scenes are in the Bahamas.
Atkinson: Very well. I accept. A man may act for many things, His country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a tonne of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn. You're on!
Agent: Good! Glad to hear it.
Atkinson: Shall I do it with an accent? I could do a Scottish accent.
Agent: You’re wanting to try a Scottish accent in a film starring Sean Connery?
Atkinson: Perhaps not. How about Irish or Welsh?
Agent: No, just be an English Johnny.
Atkinson: English Johnny…. Hmmm….
😂😂😂 Excellent stuff, chaps!
Thank you, CHB! 🙂
1987. A yacht off Gibraltar.
Bond: (On telephone.) Tell them I’ll report in an hour.
(Linda, an attractive lady holds a drink out to him.)
Linda: Won’t you join me?
Bond: (Still on phone.) Better make that two.
(Two hours later Bond reports to M.)
M: Where the devil have you been?
Bond: Well, sir-
M: One of your fellow 00s has been killed, along with three soldiers.
Bond: Yes, but-
M: Explosions reported, tourists terrified.
Bond: But sir-
M: You managed to make contact with us but claimed it would take two hours to report. Two hours!
Bond: Sir, you see-
M: The whole bloody rock isn’t even three square miles- how could it take you two hours to report?
Bond: (Knows he’s in trouble.) Ah… well…
2006. A figure approaches the Pearly Gates.
St Peter: Welcome to the Gates of Heaven. Please tell me your name.
Figure: Kevin McClory.
St Peter: And what did you do on Earth?
McClory: I made films- motion pictures.
St Peter: I see. Were any of these well known and successful?
McClory: Yes, indeed. Perhaps the most successful was one called “Thunderball”.
St Peter: Ah, that would be a James Bond film, I think?
McClory: Yes, a very successful one.
St Peter: Perhaps you directed this film?
McClory: Oh no, I was the producer.
St Peter: Most strange- I seem to recall that was produced by Harry Saltzman and Albert Broccoli. They told me so themselves.
McClory: (Scoffs.) Well, they would say that, wouldn’t they?
St Peter: Perhaps you wrote this film?
McClory: Yes, it was all my idea.
St Peter: Again, most strange- I am sure that someone called Ian Fleming wrote that one.
McClory: Don’t get me started! I came up with the idea for that and all the cinematic James Bond films!
St Peter: So you say you were the man behind James Bond?
McClory: I most certainly was!
St Peter: Well, please cross over the bridge just there through the clouds.
McClory: Thank you.
(McClory starts walking over the bridge. St Peter’s foot hovers over a pedal, then depresses it. The bridge rapidly opens, and McClory falls through with a yell. The bridge closes shut again as his voice fades away. St Peter smiles, then removes his white wig and beard to reveal a familiar face. He is approached by a figure carrying a cigarette in a holder in one hand and a vodka martini (shaken not stirred, of course) in the other.)
Figure: You handled that very well, Cubby.
Cubby: Thanks, Ian. Well, we’ve had plenty time to think this one out.
Ian: Shall we let the real St Peter out now?
Cubby: Yes, let’s do that. What then?
Ian: We go for a drink, of course.
Cubby: Ian, you've already got a drink.
Ian: And when has that ever stopped me?
(The two laugh as they walk off.)
Tom Jones [singing]:
He goes to court while others write;
He sues while other men just film.
They call him the mogul who takes all;
And his name's on 'Thunderball'.
He knows the meaning of success;
His writ claims more so he gives less.
He keeps SPECTRE from Roger's Bond;
And dines out on 'Thunderball'.
Any lawyer he wants, he'll get;
He will file any suit without regret.
His deals with Cubby are all gone;
'Warhead' goes on, and on, and on.
But he thinks that Sean is worth it all;
So he strikes like 'Never Say Never Again'...
[Tom Jones faints.]
I don’t think anybody really analysed what the hell he was singing about. And I still don’t know what the song is about to this day. But we were given that problem, and we had to live with it.
👍👍👍 That's excellent, Shady! Love it!
What average filmgoers do while watching a Bond film.
10. Admire the scantily dressed women (depending on your inclinations)
9. Admire the scantily dressed men (depending on your inclinations)
8. Admire both (depending on your inclinations)
7. Wish you could have that vodka martini now, not when you leave
6. Spot where it changes from studio to location and back again
5. Try to remember where you’ve seen a bit-part actor before
4. Wish you were really in the locations
3. Wish you had that car. You know which car.
2. Desire the gadgets presented by Q
1. Compare the actor playing Bond to one of his predecessors or successors
What Bond fans do while watching a Bond film
10. Read all the names in the credits
9. Wonder how to acquire the gadgets presented by Q
8. Spot parts taken from Fleming
7. Spot parts maybe taken from Fleming but details changed
6. Complain about Kevin McClory (if old enough to remember who he was)
5. Spot a bit part actor from two films ago. Name him/her.
4. Decide if you can last till tomorrow to watch it again
3. Start deciding where this film will go in your personal ranking
2. Try to spot Michael G. Wilson
Average filmgoer watching TB:
Lust after Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi)
Bond fan watching TB:
TB's director watching TB:
Lust after Martine Beswick (Paula)
4th of June, 2022. M’s office. He sits reading a document, then presses a button on the intercom.
M: Moneypenny, get me Q.
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Yes, sir.
(A few moments pass. M becomes impatient.)
M: Moneypenny, I told you to get me Q.
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) There’s no reply, sir.
(He gets up and marches into Moneypenny’s office.)
M: Come with me, Miss Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: Yes, sir.
(They walk quickly down to Q Branch, picking up Bill Tanner on the way. Q is not present.)
M: Where the hell is he?
Moneypenny: I have no idea, sir.
M: Tanner! You of all people must know where he is!
Tanner: (Reddening.) You know about that?
M: I thought everybody knew about that. Now where is he?
M: Tell me!
Tanner: He’s in Buckingham Palace, having tea and marmalade sandwiches with the Queen.
Moneypenny: Oh come on…
M: You’ll have to do better than that, Tanner.
Tanner: No, really, that’s where he is.
M: The day he has tea and marmalade sandwiches with the Queen is the day I shave my head and cut off my nose!
5th of June, 2022. M walks into his office, looking rather different and rather sheepish. He goes to the intercom.
Moneypenny: (Struggling not to laugh.) Yes, sir.
(A few moments pass, then Q enters.)
Q: Sir, you look very different today.
M: Never mind about that. So, you had tea with the Queen yesterday?
Q: And marmalade sandwiches, sir.
M: Yes, yes, and marmalade sandwiches. How was it?
Q: Very pleasant, sir. Except for Brian May popping up on random parts of the palace exterior and playing guitar solos.
M: You, er, didn’t happen to see any knighthoods lying around, did you?
Q: Why yes, sir.
Q: But it had “Colin Firth” written on it.
M: Oh well,,, (It’s hard to tell if the look of disappointment belongs to Gareth Mallory or Ralph Fiennes.)
2013. Eon HQ, on an island off Japan.
MGW: Well, it’s time we started thinking about our next film. Any thoughts?
Purvis: We think we should bring back the idea of the indestructible henchman, a bit like Jaws or Oddjob.
Wade: Yes, we’re thinking of a character called Mr Hinx.
BB: (Being a child of the 60s.) Mr Jinks?
Purvis: No, Mr Hinx. He’ll be super strong and silent.
Wade: And we’d like to have a villain base like in the old days- perhaps this time out in the desert.
BB: Yes, good ideas, boys, but Michael and I have something to tell you.
Purvis: What’s that, then?
MGW: We’ve finally, after all these years, got the rights to use S.P.E.C.T.R.E. and Blofeld in our films.
Wade: How did that happen?
BB: It’s a long story.
MGW: Too long for just now. However, let’s get on with including them in our next film now that we can.
BB: Yes, it’s time for their triumphant return! Now that we’ve got the rights, what could possibly go wrong?
Purvis: Great! Just one thing, though- have, er, either of you seen “Austin Powers: Goldmember”?
BB: No, I don’t think so.
MGW: Afraid not.
Wade: Excellent! Now, changing the subject entirely, let us tell you how we see the plot of this film developing….