Drax's Flying Stud Farm

Napoleon Plural

"First there was the dream, now there is reality. Here in the untainted cradle of the heavens will be created a new super race, a race of perfect physical specimens. You have been selected as its progenitors. Like gods, your offspring will return to Earth and shape it in their image."

Thus spake our David Brent lookalike Hugo Drax, holding court over his yellow suited astronauts in his heavenly spinning top. I was watching Moonraker: The Ultimate Edition recently on the plasma TV and some things struck me as if for the first time...

I can't help thinking Drax's similarity to Ricky Gervais's Brent goes beyond slicked back hair, a dodgy beard and quipping wisecracks. Taking a look at his cargo of next generations, I'm not sure he's thought this one through.

For a start, there don't really seem to be many astronauts actually on board. He's addressing - what - about 200 people? Not many to create a new race... an outbreak of measles and that's mankind wiped out.

It's somehow assumed that the poison capsules will not just kill all humans, but make them vanish as well. Otherwise, well, the astronats will return to a planet rife with diseased, rotting corpes, strung out in city offices, hanging goulishly out of crashed cars on freeways. That's, what, over a billion corpses in a state of decay. Wow, nice to return to.

I suppose it could make for an eerie, strange sci-fi follow-up as the astronauts steer their shuttles back to Earth in 5 years' time and find it desolate, a literal no man's land. Followed by a Lord of the Flies style battle for survival. Otherwise, there's no other Bond film where you'd imagine the consequences of the villain's plan would prove so counterproductive. You can only imagine the staff had been brainwashed as part of some cult, but this isn't touched on upon.

How long would they be in space for before returning? Why the absence of water coolers in the space station? Nor any sleeping facilities. Ken Adam's interiors eschew all of this.

Napoleon Plural

Now let's look at these particpants who will shape our future. This is where Drax's plan looks shaky, to be honest. Most do, I admit, look like they've emerged from an aftershave or hairspray advert from the 1970s. But what about that baldy, speccy guy down in the jungle HQ, annoucing lift off? It's hard to see where he fits in... I bet he wished he'd checking his intermal emails that day, rather than spending his time on Asw.co.uk (Absolutely Star Wars) arguing the toss over whether the Special Edition of Return of the Jedi beats the Ulimate Edition or bidding for the Millennium Falcon model on eBay. )

But maybe he reckon's he's sorted... "Hey Ernie, yep, you'll be heading out there too... Oh, er, you're booked on Moonraker 7. Where is it? Yes, well, we had to keep it away from the other shuttles, we've got it kitted out with loads of gizmos, a Jacuzzi and so on, we didn't want to make the other astronauts jealous. Where is it? Oh, well, you see that big rock, about two miles away? No, not that one, the one next to it. Yep. Well, er , it opens up automatically once Moonraker 6 is in orbit. Then you'll see Moonraker 7. Yes, it does sound a bit like Thunderbirds, we modelled it on that...

"Who's driving? Well, that will be Doris, she'll meet you out there. Doris, you know, from catering. Thick set, glasses, you must know her... yes, she's done a few courses, in fact, she could teach us a thing or two! Anyway, she'll meet you out there, should be a breeze, just follow M6's trail lines... No, Ernie, don't power up the Jacuzzi when zero gravity is going... oh I don't know, you'll figure it out..."

Napoleon Plural

Or perhaps Ernie's been fobbed off another way. "Now, we've sorted you out with a hideaway, we've got your favourite episodes of Saturday Night Live on video - oh it's a new invention - and enough tea and coffee to keep you going for a couple of years. I even slipped in a copy of Debbie Does Dallas for ya! Well, I didn't think I could get away with taking it with me, what with the missus and everything. Kinda hard to hide it! Anyway, we'll be careful not to aim those capsules anyway near this part of the globe! Give it a couple of years, we'll phone through for landing, and you can put the kettle on for us! You're VERY important to the project!"

Up in the heavens, what do we see? A few whey-faced, frizzy haired 20somethings about to sire a continent of Justin Timberlake lookalikes... 8-)

To be fair, I noticed a ginger, so Drax isn't being a total fascist. The next line-up of Girls Aloud is guaranteed.

Just one black couple, I see. Now I bet they start bitching when they find Drax's masterplan is to have them sweep the floor and empty the trash... )
Dwane: (Eddie Murphy voice): "Hey Mister Tunic Man! I aint taking out no trash for some white boy with an attitude! You KNOW what you can do with your jacka$$ five-year plan!"
Drax: "You will prosssscceed as instructed!"
Dwane: "I said back off Tunic Man, y'hear!"
Martha; "Dwane, honey, what's all this? You promised me a pay upgrade! Seems to me you've got yourself surrounded by white pu$$y! I just KNOW I could never have trusted you...

Anway, just one black couple on board seems like tokenism on Drax's part. I don't fancy his chances should the Equal Opportunities Commission pay him a visit (maybe that's why he needs the radar jamming sytem... )) No Indians, no Chinese... That's just discrimination. What sort of new world is that? You don't want to dine at your local Taj Mahal and be served by David Cassidy lookalikes do you? Still, I suppose the service in Won Kei's might improve...

No, I can't help thinking that Hugo hasn't thought this one through. He's the Gordon Brown of Bond villains, he's been waiting all this time for dominance, then promptly screws up. Except, where's Mrs Drax? Even Gordon Brown knew he had to get married to have a chance of the top job! Drax has ticked all the boxes, but forgot to arrange himself some decent pu$$y in outer space! D'oh! Well, his lack of luck with the women is just another thing he's got in common with David Brent.

Alex

) They don't make Bond villain subordinates like they used to.

Take the unfortunate Disco Volante crew after disengagement. These soldiers of Spectre are dying in futility. If my boss was deserting me to certain doom, my hands would be up in surrender quicker then you could say "Spectre of Defeat". I'd help in pursuing too.

The MR scientists who perfected the nerve gas, would anyone have invited them onboard? They didn't look Garden of Eden to me. As for Drax's Stud farm. I need to view a few more sexy calisthenics to decide.