The AJB007 Christmas Special 2023
Barbel
ScotlandPosts: 36,317Chief of Staff
From Barbel, CoolHandBond, Number 24
AI illustrations by Number24
PTS
The Shangri-La Hotel Resort - Mactan Island, Cebu, Philippines.
An elderly man with a white beard lies fast asleep on a lounger, enjoying the sun. That is, until his sister on the next lounger sharply elbows him awake.
Sister: Michael! Wake up!
Brother: (Still asleep.) No, Cubby, I don’t think Roger’s too old to do one more Bond movie… Well, two more if you really think so…
Sister: (Louder.) Michael!
Brother: (Waking up.) Oh! Yes, what is it, Barbara?
Sister: You have to be careful of the sun at your age, you should get under a parasol now.
Brother: I suppose so, but we haven’t got one here.
Sister: No problem- Purvis! Wade!
(She snaps her fingers, “Click! Click!”, and two henchmen run to do the woman’s bidding.)
Purvis: Yes, Barbara?
Wade: You called, Barbara?
Sister: Get a parasol for Michael, and be quick about it.
Wade/Purvis: Yes, at once.
(They run off.)
Brother: You know, Barbara, I’ve been thinking.
Woman: Oh? I thought you’d given that up around 2008.
Man: Maybe it’s time we stopped the endless holidays and started doing some work.
Woman: Work? WORK???? But it’s only 2023.
(Purvis and Wade return and set up the parasol. The woman impatiently waves them away.)
Man: I know, but-
Sister: You know I’m not planning on starting work till 2026 at the earliest!
Brother: That seems an awful long time away.
Sister: Time? Bah, humbug! You know we have lots of other exotic beaches lined up to lounge about on.
Brother: (Wearily, having many years of this behind him.) Yes, Barbara.
Sister: What do you think it is, Christmas?
Brother: Well, funnily enough, I do think it’s Christmas.
Sister: Oh yes? And I suppose that old guy on the next lounger is Santa Claus!
(Oddly enough, that is exactly who the old guy on the next lounger is. Santa is resplendent in a pair of red swimming trunks with white trimming, and it’s only his beard and hat that may give him away. He is talking on WhatsApp to Mrs. Claus, who is at the North Pole overseeing the final preparations for Christmas Eve.)
Santa: No, it’s all very quiet here, dear.
Mrs. Claus: Well, you just relax, my love, it’s your annual holiday before the big day!
Santa: (Spying a shapely female aged in her early 20’s who sits beside him.) I will, my dear…I may go to my room for a nap soon, it’s very hot. (He hangs up.)
Girl: Hi, I’m Plenty.
Santa: But of course you are.
Plenty: Plenty O’Booby.
Santa: Named after your mother, perhaps?
Plenty: My pronouns are “she” and “her”.
Santa: Mine are “him” and “he” and “ho-ho-ho”.
(Suddenly, a group of scantily dressed women armed with guns and dressed as warriors storm the beach from a speedboat. They head directly for Santa. Seconds later four scantily dressed women land on the beach from the sky by using jet packs. Throwing Plenty to one side the first of them grabs Santa.)
Santa: Who…? What is going on?
Woman: I’m the Girl From SOFA and those are my colleagues. We’ve come to rescue you, Santa.
(The other girls from SOFA quickly take down the attacking warriors using martial arts and their weapons.)
Santa: I’m very grateful to you ladies, but who are you?
Woman: You can call me Agent Kyrkjsæterøra.
Santa: (Eyes widening.) I’m not sure that I can, actually.
Agent Kyrkjsæterøra: These are my colleagues, Fiona Voluptuous, Kissy Luvsitz and Etta Peach. We’ve had intelligence that someone is trying to assassinate you, Santa, and it’s our job to keep you safe.
Santa: Where’s Plenty?
Agent Kyrkjsæterøra: Gone for a dip in the pool.
Santa: I didn’t know there was a pool down there.
(Meanwhile, in a hotel room at the same resort...)
James Bond: Why do Filipina girls taste different from all other girls?
Fling: You think we better, huh?
Bond: No, just different…like Duck Adobo is different from Russian caviar…but I love them both.
Fling: Darling, I just gave you very best duck, mahal kita, darling, just one more time, please.
Bond: Well, about that lunch…
Fling: (Startled at a sudden sound.) Was that gunfire, James?
Bond: I shouldn’t think so, it’s probably fireworks. You know how crazy you Filipino’s are about having a party.
Fling: You know, James, the name of this hotel - Shangri-La - really suits you because you never seem to get any older. I’ve heard of your adventures, and they go back for decades.
Bond: I seem to have had many lives.
Fling: You only live twice - many times for you, or so it seems.
Bond: Anyway, my boss told me to get some rest as something always comes up at Christmas.
Fling: (Looks at Bond and giggles.) It’s TRUE!!!
(Back at the beach…)
Etta: Well, we have to get you back for Christmas Eve, Santa.
Santa: Thank you so much, ladies, is there anything you’d like for Christmas?
Kissy: I’m sure you’ll think of something, Santa.
Santa: Oh, I’d really love to empty my sack with all of you.
(Later that evening, in a casino, the brother and sister we met earlier on the beach are arguing.)
Brother: Just one more hand, Barbara. It’s our last night here before we go to the Caribbean, after all.
Sister: It’s already past your bedtime, Michael.
Brother: This one more, then I’ll go. Look, I’ve got a straight.
(His straight is beaten by a flush, and he gets up sadly. A beautiful girl leans over the man with the winning hand, who is of course wearing a tuxedo and bow tie, and whispers to him.)
Girl: Congratulations.
Bond: Sometimes you get a real cool hand.
Comments
Written by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Number 24
AI illustrations by Number24
Scene 1
Moneypenny’s office. She is sitting typing away when the door silently opens and a hat comes flying through it. The hat makes some spectacular turns in mid-air before hovering for a few seconds then gliding accurately to a hook on the otherwise never noticed hatstand in the corner.
Moneypenny: James! There you are.
(James Bond enters, looking almost exactly as he is described in Ian Fleming’s novels, and smiles sardonically at Moneypenny while a comma of hair falls down over one eye. The scar on his cheek gives him a faintly piratical look.)
Bond: Always there for you, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: I’ll never know how you manage to do that with your hat. And, more importantly, how is it that we never see you with a hat except when you throw it onto the hatstand in my office?
Bond: It’s just one of my little foibles.
Moneypenny: Perhaps you might like to come round to my place tonight and I’ll show you my foibles if you show me yours.
Bond: Sounds wonderful, but M has sent for me and I believe he may have other plans for me this evening.
Moneypenny: That’s a pity, I bet mine are more interesting.
Bond: Oh, I’m sure they would be.
Moneypenny: (Buzzing the intercom.) You’d better go in and see him.
(The white light goes on on the side of the padded door and James Bond walks into M's office.)
M: Sit down 007. I have a new mission for you. It's highly unconventional, but you have an experience from last year that makes you uniquely qualified for this mission. Besides, the way things look you won't get another mission in EONs...
007: Last year, sir? Do you mean .....
M: Mr. Kris Kringle, yes. There was an attempt on Mr. Kringle's life yesterday as he was on his annual beach holiday in the Philippines.
007: Goodness! Is he all right?
M: Mr Kringle is unhurt. He flew himself to ..... he flew home tonight. Weren’t you also in the Philippines just now?
007: Uh, yes, sir, but I must have been far, far away.
M: Anyway, Sant… I mean, Mr Kringle is-
Bond: You can't bring yourself to say 'Santa Claus" and the North Pole, can you sir?
M: (Clears his throat.) Don't be impertinent, 007!
Bond: You can't bring yourself to say it, can you?
M: That's ridiculous, 007, of course I can say Sant… San….
Bond: You can't say Santa Claus, and you can't say the C-word.
M: What? I rarely curse, 007.
Bond: And now we know what "C" stands for.
M: Careless?
Bond: Christmas!
M: Foolish celebration. Can’t stand crackers. You’ll be asking me if I know how Christmas trees are grown next. Or how Sa…San…he gets around. (Clears his throat and shuffles some papers around on his desk.) Anyway, he was saved by a new MI6 unit that has been kept tightly under wraps even from you. The SOFA Group.
007: Sofa group, sir- do they make comfortable furniture?
M: No, 007. The Special Operations Force Agency. It's an undercover unit for sleeper agents. They have been providing security for ..... the gentleman from the Arctic for over a month without his knowledge.
007: Who was behind the hit? Surely Scrooge Grimm is still in jail?
M: In a very spartan cell, and stop calling me Shirley. And who else would want Sa… San ... Mr Kringle dead?
007: A rich girl who didn't get her pony? Perhaps Putin didn't get the Zelensky jokes he demanded for Christmas last year? Liz Truss must hold a grudge because she didn't get No. 10 back?
M: We simply don't know, but I think your first suggestion is unlikely. However, we have had some unreliable reports that this may be caused by a man known only as… Coldfinger.
Bond: Coldfinger? Sounds like what Grace Jones’ boyfriend suffers from.
M: Anyway, your next mission is to act as Mr. Kringle's bodyguard on his highly publicized world tour on the 24th.
007: Santa with me in the back of his sled?
M: We're talking about a world-famous figure most people believe to be fictional. And also Santa Claus ... I mean Mister ....er… in a sledge being pulled through the air by reindeer, but this is no joke! The children of the world and the international retail industry depends on this man going around the world safely. That's why I have assigned the leader of the SOFA Group team that saved Mr. Kringle to join you on this mission.
007: If he's finished his nap ....
M: It's "she" in fact. (Presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the SOFA agent, Miss Moneypenny.
(In walks a redheaded woman in her 20's. She's dressed in a dark green latex one-piece that looks like she shrink-wraps on herself every morning. Bond's fifth thought is "How on earth does she pull off walking around in MI6 headquarters without an ID card on her?". His first to fourth thoughts cannot be repeated here.)
M: Miss .... (Glances nervously down at his papers on his desk.) Why don't you two introduce yourself to each other? (M looks strangely satisfied with himself.)
SOFA 1: Agent Kyrksæterøra.
(Bond pauses for a millisecond while he glances at a smirking M.)
007: Bond, James Bond. Is that your real name?
SOFA 1: Of course not. What sort of secret agent goes around the world saying his real name to everyone? (Chuckles.)
Bond: (Nervously joining in the chuckling.) Who indeed?
SOFA 1: This is part of the reason SOFA Group has stayed secret for years. All our agents use our code names at all times. Alpha Group is divided into squadrons where each squadron has an area of expertise. Recently I was on loan to the Beach Squadron, but my parent unit is the Artic Squadron. We've developed a simple system that's easy to remember. SOFA agents have code names that are Scandinavian geographical names. If it works for IKEA it works for SOFA! Anyway, you can call me SOFA 1 if it makes things easier for you.
M: Indeed. May I congratulate you on your successful mission in the Philippines? It will of course be mentioned in dispatches.
SOFA 1: Thank you, sir, but I didn't do it alone. Please make sure agents Hamrångefjärden, Vaxö, and Hjørungavåg are specifically mentioned in the report.
M: I'm sure my secretary will follow your wishes to the letter.
(We hear Moneypenny groaning over the still open intercom line.)
Bond: (Addressing M.) Who was the agent who killed the assailant?
M: I can't really say ....
SOFA 1: I did that myself.
M: Yes, of course. That makes the two of you the only MI6 agents to ever save Mr. Kringle’s life. You're uniquely qualified for this mission that I'm sure one of you has read all about in the report. Moneypenny will give you tickets on the Flying Scotsman going to Edinburgh tonight. Your VIP will pick you up there. And 007, remember to visit Q before you leave.
Q’s lab. Bond walks in just as Q is throwing a boomerang.
Bond: Morning, Q.
Q: Morning, 00- Ouch!
(He rubs the back of his head.)
Bond: Everything all right, Q?
Q: I forgot the first rule of boomerangs. (He throws it again.) Anyway, what can I do for you?
Bond: Have you got my Aston Martin ready yet?
Q: No, not yet. I don’t suppose you’d care to use this De Lorean I’ve been busy modifying? You’d be very surprised what it can do….
Bond: No, I don’t think so. Anyway, M told me to drop in on you before I head off on my latest mission.
Q: Somewhere exotic, eh? Jamaica? Philippines?
Bond: No, though funny you should say that. It’s Edinburgh, at least to start with.
Q: Sounds like it will be cold up there. Fortunately, I have this new jacket for you- here, try it on. (He hands Bond a jacket.) Now watch closely, 007. The right arm goes in the right sleeve, thus. And the left arm-
Bond: Thank you, Q, I believe I can manage.
(Bond tries the jacket on.)
Bond: It’s a bit tight around the shoulder holster.
Q: You’ll get used to it. Now, please examine the double row of buttons down the front and on each sleeve and pocket.
Bond: Very stylish.
Q: They’re more than that, 007. Each of these buttons contains a highly compressed explosive. Pulling off the button activates the charge and you then have three seconds in which to throw it before it detonates.
Bond: Just what I wanted underneath my Christmas tree.
Q: I doubt very much that this is what you want underneath your Christmas tree. Now, it being that time of the year, here are some tangerines and mince pies.
Bond: Oh, delicious.
(He makes to grab one.)
Q: Don’t do that!
Bond: Let me guess- that’s your lunch?
Q: No, 007, those are more explosives. I thought they might come in handy. See the stem, here? Once you push it down you have sixty seconds to throw it.
Bond: What kind of parties do YOU go to?
Q: None you would be interested in. And finally, come over here. See these shoes?
Bond: Yes, of course.
Q: I’m very pleased with these. Just click the heels together three times, say “There’s no time like the present”, and they will fire a bullet.
Bond: You’re joking!
Q: I never joke about my- Ow! (He rubs the back of his head.)
Bond: (Sympathetically.) First rule of boomerangs again?
Q: Yes- here, take this damned thing as well!
To be continued....
Written by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Number 24
AI illustrations by Number 24
Scene 2. Edinburgh.
Bond is speaking with the glamourous agent from SOFA.
SOFA 1: So, this is Scotland.
Bond: Yes, the rain gives that away. First time?
SOFA 1: No, I've seen rain before.
Bond: Yes, well, we'd better head to the rendezvous point.
(They catch a tram which takes them to the street below Edinburgh Castle.)
SOFA 1: That's a very impressive erection.
Bond: Remind me to discuss that very point with you later, but first things first. We have to make our way up there.
SOFA 1: But of course.
(They arrive outside the castle, climb the hill, then make their way to the rear side away from the busy street below. After only a few moments, a shape appears in the sky, moving rapidly towards them.)
SOFA 1: It’s him! When I was I was a little girl I believed in him, but I never thought that one day… it can’t be!
Bond: It most certainly can. I met him last year, he's perfectly real and full of surprises.
(The sleigh lands and Santa Claus alights.)
Santa: Ah, young James, good to see you again.
Bond: Always good to see you, Santa. May I introduce you to … er… SOFA 1? She’ll be accompanying us.
Santa: Hello, young lady.
SOFA 1: (Starstruck.) He- hello, Mr Cla- Claus.
Santa: Just call me Santa, my dear. Now, if you’d both care to get on board the sleigh? We mustn’t waste time!
(The sleigh whizzes through the sky at an incredible speed. Bond has to cling tightly on to the discreet handles for fear of falling off.)
Bond: These reindeer certainly know their business, Santa. I haven’t seen such speed since Boris Johnson spotted a fridge.
Santa: Indeed they do know their business, young James. Now, let us begin.
(The sleigh begins a smooth descent, and Bond notices some people walking desolately through the rain in the streets.)
Bond: Santa, I’m sorry, would you mind stopping a moment?
Santa: What is it, my boy?
Bond: Those people look very sad. I’d like to speak with them.
Santa: Well, all right, but they mustn’t see me. I’ll drop you here beside this massive pothole and pick you up in, say, five minutes?
Bond: Yes, that’ll be fine. Thanks. Will you stay here please, SOFA 1?
SOFA 1: Of course, James.
(Santa drops James who walks around the pothole and goes to speak with the people as Santa flies out of sight. Bond walks up to the small bunch of people.)
Bond: Hello there.
Man: (Sadly.) Hello.
Bond: What’s the problem with you all?
Woman: It’s the evil Conservatives. (The rest all hiss.) They’ve taken away all hope from us poor people.
Bond: But I thought Wicked Boris had left.
Man: Yes, but they replaced him with Mad Liz and she was even worse.
Woman: Then came Slippy Rishi. (They all shudder.)
Bond: But here in Scotland you had Queen Nicola to protect you.
Man: Ah, she’s gone now- been replaced by Mr Useless.
Bond: You mean Mr Yousef.
Woman: We know what we mean.
Bond: Well, never mind- from what I hear, the whole lot of them might be gone very soon.
Woman: We certainly hope so!
(He turns and tries to find the right pothole to meet Santa again, but there are too many. Fortunately Santa spots him and picks him up, flying to a roof in the suburbs. They park next to the chimney.)
Santa: Now you two just wait here and look after the reindeer, James and Sofa 1, while I go and do my business.
Bond: But of course, Santa.
(Santa takes a sack from the sleigh and somehow manages to get down the chimney. It seems like a miracle, though of course the real miracle is that every house has a chimney these days. James smokes a Morlands cigarette while waiting, yet another miracle since the company folded years ago. Eventually he becomes a little worried at the amount of time Santa is taking and goes to listen at the chimney. Faintly he can hear voices from below.)
Santa: No, don't turn the light on. You're a picture yourself, and twice as lovely in the firelight.
Woman: Oh, St Nicholas!
Santa: Call me ... Nicky.
SOFA 1: What’s happening?
Bond: Oh, er, nothing.
(Bond goes back to the sleigh and tries to get comfortable. Something tells him that if this is the regular routine, it's going to be a long night.
Eventually Santa returns and they fly to a different rooftop. As Santa prepares to go down the chimney, Bond has a worrying thought.)
Bond: Er, Santa?
Santa: (About to go down.) Yes, James my boy, what is it?
Bond: You're not planning on, er, entertaining every lady that you meet, are you?
Santa: James- on a mission I am expected to sacrifice myself.
Bond: But we don't have time for that! I mean, if you're doing that in every house?
Santa: Everyone knows that I am magical - after all, I can deliver presents to all the children in the world in one night!
(And down the chimney he goes. Bond sighs exasperatedly. Much later Santa returns.)
Bond: Well?
Santa: Well what?
Bond: Was she naughty or nice?
Santa: Oh, naughty. Very, VERY naughty..... but nice, too.
Scene 3
A small town in Germany. No, John le Carre fans, not that one. The sleigh flies smoothly overhead, Rudolf’s nose leading the way.
SOFA 1: Oh, look at those castles glistening with snow down there! It looks just like a fairytale.
Bond: Odd, that....
Santa: Hold tight, youngsters, we’re landing outside that cottage there.
(The sleigh lands by a beautiful cottage, looking as SOFA 1 said just like out of a fairytale.)
Santa: Now I won’t be long-
Voice: Hey, Weihnachtsmann!
(Santa looks up at the two approaching cottagers.)
Santa: Oh, hello Jacob! Hello Wilhelm! How are you? You’re up very late.
Wilhelm: We are very worried, Weihnachtsmann, about our little girl.
Santa: Little girl? Oh, yes, I brought her some presents last year. What has happened?
Jacob: She went off into the woods to go visit her grandma’s cottage, carrying a basket full of good things to eat. She has been gone a very long time.
Bond: We will go look for her. Can you give us a description?
Wilhelm: Well, she is very small.
SOFA 1: What was she wearing?
Jacon: A hood. A riding hood, I think it was red.
Bond: Santa, SOFA 1 and I will go look for this little girl in the red riding hood. Would you stay here with these very grim brothers?
Santa: Yes, of course. We can talk about old times.
(SOFA 1 and Bond head off into the woods.)
SOFA 1: I hope nothing has happened to her.
Bond: Let’s just check this sign here at the crossroads. Hmmm- “Dwarves’ Mine”, no that can’t be it. “Gingerbread House”- sounds unlikely. Ah, here we are- “Grandma’s Cottage In The Woods”, that must be the one.
SOFA 1: James, look at those footprints.
Bond: It looks like a large wolf and a small human have been here, and recently too.
SOFA 1: Well obviously we have to follow them.
(They set off down the trail.)
SOFA 1: Look, the trail splits here.
Bond: And the human’s footprints go one way, and the wolf goes the other.
SOFA 1: I’m guessing that the wolf, being a creature of these woods, knows the shortest way to get to Grandma’s Cottage In The Woods.
Bond: We’d better follow the girl, and quickly too- we have to catch up with her before the wolf does.
(They begin to run. Soon they meet a small figure dressed in red.)
Bond: Hey, you there!
Little Red Riding Hood: (Stopping.) Yes?
Bond: We’ve been looking for… oh, I’m surprised. We were expecting a little girl and you must be at least… er, at least…
Little Red Riding Hood: I get that all the time. It’s because I’m short- I’m really twenty-two years old.
Bond: Oh, really? (He raises an eyebrow but is swiftly elbowed in the ribs by SOFA 1.)
SOFA 1: We’ve been sent by Jacob and Wilhelm- are you on your way to Grandma’s Cottage In The Woods?
Little Red Riding Hood: Why, yes. I have here a basket of good things to eat for her.
Bond: Did you by any chance meet… a wolf?
Little Red Riding Hood: I met one at the crossroads. He seemed very friendly, and saw me walk off on the path to Grandma’s Cottage In The Woods.
SOFA 1: Oh, this is terrible. We believe that the wolf has gotten ahead of you by using a shortcut and is already waiting for you.
Little Red Riding Hood: Oh, no- what can we do?
Bond: All may not yet be lost. Quickly, you and SOFA 1 swap clothes.
Little Red Riding Hood: What? Are you kidding?
SOFA 1: No, I think I see what he’s planning. Let’s get changed.
(Pause.)
SOFA 1: James, turn the other way!
Bond: Hmm? Oh yes, of course.
(At Grandma’s Cottage In The Woods, the wolf lies tucked up in Grandma’s bed wearing her shawl. There is a knock on the door.)
Wolf: (Old lady’s voice.) Who is it?
SOFA 1: (Behind the door.) It’s me, Grandma, Little Red Riding Hood.
Wolf: Oh, come in, come in.
(SOFA 1 enters, hiding as best she can under the hood.)
SOFA 1: Look Grandma, I brought you a basket of nice things to eat.
Wolf: Oh, lovely. Come closer, my child, let me see you.
SOFA 1: Grandma, what an interesting bionic eye you have.
Wolf: All the better to see you with, my dear.
SOFA 1: And what sharp metal teeth you have.
Wolf: All the better to eat you with!
(The wolf throws off Grandma’s shawl and makes a dive for SOFA 1, but in the nick of time Bond throws open the door and fires with his Walther PPK, hitting the wolf right between the eyes.)
SOFA 1: Oh, James….
(She falls into his arms. James lowers his head for the much-delayed kiss, but just then a voice comes piping into the room.)
Little Red Riding Hood: Er, hello? Can I have my red riding hood back please?
(Later, back at the cottage.)
Jacob: Oh thank you, thank you!
Santa: I knew you could do it.
Wilhelm: You have brought our sweet little Sacre back to us.
Bond: Sacre?
Little Red Riding Hood: Of course. I do have a name you know, I wasn’t christened “Little Red Riding Hood”. (She rolls her eyes.) My name is Sacre-
SOFA 1: (Interrupting.) Bleu! Women all have names like that in these stories. Your name is Sacre Bleu!
Sacre: Of course not- we’re not French! Mein Gott, that is a very silly name. My name is Ficialamb, Sacre Ficialamb.
SOFA 1: Sacre Ficial Lamb?
Sacre: Yes. My parents ran through a lot of names- Jill, Tilly, Paula, Aki, Plenty, Rosie, Andrea, Corrine, Lisl…
Bond: Ah, I think I see where this is going.
Sacre: But they settled on Sacre.
Bond: Right….
Sacre: James, there’s something I want to tell you.
Bond: Yes?
Sacre: Oh not here, in private. Come into the cottage with me.
Bond: But of course.
(Sacre leads Bond into the cottage.)
Bond: Yes, Sacre, what is it?
Sacre: I’d just like to thank you properly for saving me.
Bond: Ah…..
Sacre: As long as you're not turning into a wolf, that is.
Bond: Me and fifty million other guys.
Sacre: Come here....
(Later, outside the cottage.)
Santa: (Knocking on the door.) James! We have to leave!
Bond: (From inside.) Just a moment!
(The door opens and Bond and Sacre exit. SOFA 1 looks very suspicious.)
Sacre: Jacob, Wilhelm- you have been very kind to me but I think it is time for me to go and see the world. Santa, may I hitch a ride on your sleigh and go off to see the world?
Santa: Well, I don’t know, I already have James here and SOFA 1 to think of, I don’t know if the reindeer can manage another passenger.
Sacre: Of course they can- you’ve already dropped off hundreds of presents, the sleigh will be lighter!
Santa: That’s true… well, if it’s okay with the brothers here?
Wilhelm: Yes, of course.
Jacob: If that is what you want, Sacre.
Santa: Then everybody on the sleigh, and away!
(The sleigh takes off and flies through the night sky, the stars twinkling around it.)
Bond: That was quite different to what I was expecting.
Santa: Could have been worse- last year I was in the town of Hamelin and it took a long time for me to find all the children.
Forgot to say - to be continued...
Scene 4
(Santa's sleigh has been flying over the North Sea for some time, with only the occasional lights of an oil rig to break the sight of the waves below, and the coast is getting nearer. James Bond starts glancing around the sleigh while looking a bit uneasy.)
Santa: What is it, James? Have you forgotten anything?
Bond: It's silly of me, but we're landing in Norway soon and I forgot to pack my product placement winter clothing from a named brand. David Zaritsky spoke very highly of their winter collection in his YouTube channel. It can get a chilly reception from our sponsor at home if I'm not seen wearing their clothes. (He looks over to agent Kyrkjsæterøra who's still in her green latex one-piece.) What about you, agent Ki .... Kykel ... Cyclo .... Cyanid ............ agent. SOFA Group must have some kind of sponsorship deal with a winter clothing brand, and you have to consider the temperatures too. Don't you want to slip into something more comfortable?
SOFA 1: (Smiles.) I'm fine, thank you. Is this the first time in your life You've tried to make women put on more clothes, James?
(Everyone laughs.)
Santa: Don't worry, James. I have everything we need in here ... (Pats his sack full of presents, jolly as ever.) When we need something, just think of it and reach into the sack. It's bigger on the inside than on the outside. Besides, our first stop is Bergen. There's no need to change after Scotland.
Bond: Jings, Crivens, Help ma Bob!
Santa: Shurely that’sh not Shcottish…. And, Sacre, Germany too!
Sacre: Danke, Weinachtsmann!
(Soon they approach Bergen. Faintly a band can be heard playing “Good Morning Bergen Town”. To the three passengers’ disappointment there is no snow to be seen, but the light drizzle seems constant.)
SOFA 1: On second thought, let's not go to Norway. Tis' a silly place.
Santa: Ho - ho - ho! I've learned to love it ...... (Mumbles under his breath.) ..... after a few centuries of visits.
(The sleigh stops on a narrow cobblestone street between picturesque houses, the runners magically transforming into wheels for the moment. Santa steps off the sleigh and grabs the sack with remarkable ease.)
Bond: No rooftop landing in Bergen then, Santa? I thought you of all people would be a man for tradition!
Santa: I'll show you a trick of the trade. Landing on the steep roof of the odd house is easy, but in a city with barely a flat roof I do this.....
(Santa grabs a present from the sack and throws it directly into a chimney like "Magic" Johnson. Bond suspects magic is involved this time, too.)
Bond: Let's see what I actually remembered to pack…. a bottle of Smirnoff vodka , another of Gordon's, Kina Lillet. Careful with that last one, it’s been out of production for years. Not much clothes here. Safari suit .... perhaps not today. Oh, the ballistic helmet level 2 concealed as a bowler hat I got from Q. Hm. At least it could shield me a little bit from the rain. (Bond puts on the bowler hat.)
Santa: Let's stretch our legs.
(The four of them walk down a street, where there are quite a lot of people dressed in rainwear or carrying umbrellas.)
SOFA 1: Hey Santa, you’re not alone here- there are two other men dressed as you in this street alone!
Santa: ‘Tis that time of year.
Bond: Hmm, and it seems you two ladies aren’t the only attractive blonde and red-headed women, either.
Sacre: There aren’t any other men dressed in a tuxedo, though.
SOFA 1: Could it be that a tux isn’t the perfect outfit for a spy after all?
(The two young ladies laugh.)
Bond: (Shrugging.) What an absurd thought.
(They are interrupted by three women in blue raincoats suddenly lowering their umbrellas and closing them in spite of the never-ending rain. Sharp metal needles emerge from the tips of their umbrellas.)
Bond: Tip!
Santa: (Focusing on the roofs and chimneys.) No need. Norwegians never tip.
(One of the attackers stabs at Santa with her umbrella, but 007 tackles her, taking the umbrella and throwing her to the ground. SOFA 1 fights the two other attackers using judo.)
Bond: Poisoned tip - a coward's weapon! (He finds a button on the handle and pushes it. Instead of retracting the needle the whole front end of the umbrella slides off and reveals a sword blade.)
SOFA 1: Well done, 007! The word by the water cooler in MI6 is that you're quite a legendary swordsman....
Bond: I am. I've also visited a fencing club once but I’m no longer a member.
(The attackers at first retreat from the sight of the sword in Bond's hand, but almost immediately turn their umbrellas into swords too. SOFA 1 fights the disarmed attacker while Bond does his best fencing two opponents at once. Santa falls onto a bench while backing up from the fight.)
Sacre: (Quickly seats herself in Santa's lap.) Santa! All I want for Christmas is for these attacks to stop.
Bond: I don't think I can hold them off much longer- but there's no time like the present!
(Bond clicks the heels of his shoes together three times. A shot is fired from the sole of 007's right shoe and one of his opponent’s sword arm gets grazed and she drops her sword.)
Bond: There's no time like the present! (Clicks his heels three times again, but the second woman runs away.)
SOFA 1: Judo chop! (She hits the woman she's been fighting with a single blow from a flattened hand and the woman drops to the ground.)
Bond: That seems to be that, then. But why did you cry “judo chop”, SOFA 1?
SOFA 1: I read a lot of anime, shouting your action before doing it is sort of a cliché there.
Sacre: But who sent them? Where did they come from?
Bond: Probably part of some umbrella organisation.
Santa: Whew, all of this ruckus makes me long for the peace and quiet of snow. I’m glad no-one has thought of poison-tipped snowballs yet. I'm almost finished in Bergen anyway, we'll just take another route back to my sleigh and I'm done. But first, let me show you a nice little trick. If you need something, just picture it in your mind and reach down into the sack. It'll be there. Give it a try, James.
Bond: Why not?
(Bond thinks for a moment and then reaches into the sack. He pulls out .....)
Bond: A bottle of Bollinger and four glasses!
Santa: Try again. You'll need a warm jacket first. I'm sure you can find a way to keep the bottle cold for later?
(Ten minutes later Santa's sleigh takes off from the coastal city and heads for the snowy mountains.)
To be continued....
Written by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Number24
AI illustrations by Number24
Scene 5
The sleigh descends into Chicago.
Santa: Ah, wonderful Chicago, the windy city. I can almost hear Frank Sinatra singing about it already.
Bond: Keep your eyes peeled everyone, they’re bound to attack here as well.
(No sooner has Bond spoken than volleys of bullets smash into the sides of the sleigh, splintering the thick wood and ricocheting into the densely falling snow. Bond and SOFA 1 shoot sporadically, not wasting ammunition, shooting only when they can see a tongue of flame on which to sight. One of her shots strikes home as Santa skids the sleigh to a halt in a flurry of ice and snow. They take cover behind the sleigh from the direction of the shots. The guns from the squad of villains continue crashing into the sleigh.)
SOFA 1: James, any ideas?
Bond: Quick, help me pull a runner off the sleigh.
(Together they wrench at a sleigh runner. It comes off with a squeaking protest and the sleigh thumps down on one side, the other side tilting up to provide better cover.)
Bond: Give me some tangerines!
SOFA 1: WTF?
(Santa dives into his snack bag and hands some over.)
Santa: Do you want some mince pies too, James?
Bond: Yes, please, and hurry!
(SOFA 1 and Sacre look extremely puzzled.)
Sacre: Er, James....?
Bond: No time- I'll explain soon!
(Lead sizzles around them as if they are trapped in a hornet’s nest. Santa hands Bond a few mince pies from his sack)
Bond: Not those! The ones I put in the glove box - the ones from Q Branch.
(Santa duly hands some over.)
Sacre: (Now very confused.) But-
Bond: They pull a knife, you pull a tangerine. They pull a gun, you throw a mince pie. This is the Chicago way.
SOFA 1: Yes, but-
Bond: These are actually grenades. As soon as you push down the stem we have 60 seconds to throw them.
(Getting the tangerines and skewering them onto the jagged shards of wood from the broken runner, Bond then stands as Sofa 1 gives him covering fire, swinging the runner as if throwing the hammer in field sports. Bond lets go of the runner. As if in slow motion the runner twists and turns in the air and smashes through the window of the bar where the bad girls are hiding. For a moment there is a profound silence as the attackers wonder what is happening. Then the runner explodes. An earth-shattering roar belches from the bar’s innards, lifting the door off its hinges and sending it sailing into the street. The air reverberates with brilliant colours and a blinding whiteness, and then tongues of fire leap out of the shattered doorway. Within seconds the bar is a blazing inferno, but no more shots are being fired. The snow is growing harder, heavier, blowing in drifts.)
Bond: What are we going to do about the sleigh, Santa?
Santa: You’re not the only one with special gadgets, James, my Elf & Safety department have installed special gadgets too.
(Pressing a button on the dashboard of the sleigh, a creaking sound is heard and a new runner appears from the bottom of the sleigh, making it perfect again.)
Santa: Not much I can do about the bullet holes but let’s get on, we have work to do, we have to meet Jake and Elwood at the St. Helen of the Blessed Shroud Orphanage, they’ve promised to help distribute the presents.
(Santa whips the reins and the sleigh flies majestically into Chicago night sky, for the moment all is quiet. Bond and the other passengers notice that the sleigh has been repaired and is clean again. It’s almost as if some magic were involved….)
SOFA 1: Do you like music, Santa?
Santa: Yes, that Elfish Presley is good.
Bond: Don’t you mean Elvish Preshly? Favourite song?
Santa: Freeze a jolly good fellow - lots of people sing that about me.
Bond: That must make you feel santa-mental.
SOFA 1: Oh, dear God, stop it you two. Why are always so jolly, Santa?
Santa: I know where all the naughty girls live, ho, ho, ho!
(The sleigh stops at the orphanage. Jake and Elwood Blues are waiting outside, snow piled high in their black hats).
Santa: Can’t stop long, boys, were being chased by the bad guys- well, bad girls actually.
Jake: Just leave the presents, Santa, and we will stop them from chasing you. After all we’re on a mission from God.
Elwood: Aren’t you that James Bond fella?
Bond: Bond, James Bond, pleased to meet you guys.
Jake: Wear a proper suit, man, tuxes are out.
Bond: And we’ve got to go, come on Santa, let’s shake a tailfeather!
(The sleigh rises into the air once again, onto the next stop.)
To be continued....
Scene 6
The sleigh flies over a hot land of mainly desert, with towns around the coasts. People are surfing in the water, even though it is nighttime, with sharks nibbling on an occasional one.
Santa: Well, Australia here we are!
SOFA 1: Australia - home of Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman.
Bond: Sorry, Hugh who?
SOFA 1: Oh yes, you wouldn’t know that he was very nearly you but Eon wouldn’t give him enough money.
Bond: What? Ee-yawn? Hugh who?
SOFA 1: Never mind. What’s the first names on the presents, James?
Bond: Umm…they all seem to be Sheila or Bruce.
SOFA 1: What? All of them?
Santa: Ah, yes, I remember stopping off at a bar once in Woolloomooloo. It all got very confusing.
Bond: Ok, first one is Bruce Beer Jr. Here’s his house. There’s some signs outside.
Santa: “Santa, please stop here” one says.
(They sight some very inappropriate racist signs.)
SOFA 1: Err…no…we really shouldn’t be stopping here, Santa.
Bond: Maybe we could stop and educate Mr. Beer Snr.?
Santa: That sounds a good idea. James, you and SOFA 1 speak to him, Sacre you stay with the sleigh, and I will um..ahem…educate Mrs. Beer.
(They go inside. Bond and SOFA 1 give a dressing down to a tall man with a moustache, while there are muffled grunts from the bedroom with Santa and Mrs. Beer. Suddenly the front door bursts open and a quartet of shapely women, almost like Amazons, enter, their guns blazing. Quickly, Bond teaches inside his coat and brings out a boomerang shaped gadget. He throws it to the wall and lots of smaller boomerangs spring from inside and fly to the villains knocking each one of them out.)
Bond: We were lured here. It’s the only explanation. They’re after Santa, to stop him delivering the presents.
SOFA 1: What will we do with those attackers?
Bond: Tie them to the kangaroos which are outside in the pen. That will shake them up.
(Santa appears from the bedroom, adjusting his clothing.)
Bond: Did she get the message, Santa?
Santa: Yes, my didgeridoo made sure of that!
(They go outside and tie the attackers to the kangaroos.)
Santa: We need to get going, it’s going to be a long night.
Bond: I need to get my boomerang back, first, or Q will not be pleased.
SOFA 1: Your what?
Bond: My boomera- ow!
(It hits him on the back of his head.)
Bond: Ow! That hurts.
SOFA 1: You were saying?
Bond: (Picking up boomerang.) Never mind.
Sacré: You forgot the first rule of boomerangs, James. Now, I fancy a walk. You just stay here and I’ll walk over to the next house. While I’m gone, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
(Bond raises an eyebrow and looks at SOFA 1, but she has gone to sit in the sleigh with Sacre. He sighs. Santa walks happily off into the desert.)
To be continued.
Scene 7
They land in a city street in Tokyo, close to a mall to blend in with the other Santas. Bond thinks he recognizes two from the North Pole last year.
SOFA 1: I've actually never been in Japan before. It's strange, but I feel different, and I can't put my finger on it ...
Santa: Oh that's normal. I always feel more spry in this country. Must be the air.
Sacre: I feel the same as always. Oh, Agent Kyrkjsæterøra, what big ...... eyes you have?
SOFA 1: All the better to see enemy agents with. You have changed a bit, though.
Sacre: (Girlish giggle.) Ohh, those Pokemon dolls in that window look sooo cute!
SOFA 1: Do you feel different, 007?
Bond: (Irritated.) Why does everyone talk as if I've changed? I look the same as I always have, so please stop asking!
Santa: Now to work! Japan is actually an easy country to work in. It's very densely populated with all those high-rises: I can deliver to many families via just one chimney. I've heard Japan has many stay-at-home wives, though, so I better take care ....
(Suddenly they hear people shouting in high-pitched voices from above.)
Attackers: Attack!
(Bond, Santa, SOFA 1 and Sacre look up. A group of young women holding swords have jumped off a rooftop and are falling towards them.)
Attackers: (Still falling, shouting while only moving their mouths and absolutely nothing else.) Kill the red devil! Let him taste Japanese steel! Eliminate the Gaijin enemies! Let them hear our unnecessarily long attack monologue and ..... Superhero landing!
(The attackers land in a very cool kneeling stance.)
Bond: It's not exactly discreet.
Santa: They forgot the element of surprise.
Attackers: High sword cut!
Sacre: Who knew Santa had so many enemies dressed in blue?
(The attackers all swing their swords in a high arc against our heroes, but they have already ducked because of the warning so the swords cut through thin air with a very high "swoosh" sound.)
SOFA 1: I'll take the three on the left.
Bond: With what?
(Bond turns to SOFA 1. She has drawn a high-tech sword from .... where? But there is no time for Bond to wonder.)
SOFA 1: Bond. Catch! (She throws him a high-tech looking Yari spear from ....... somewhere about her person, in that suit ???? Bond realises he must look into this later, now clearly not being the moment.)
Attackers: Sword-hand switch trick! (They throw their katanas from their right to left hands.)
Bond: Thanks for letting us know....
(Bond and SOFA 1 fight multiple opponents, greatly helped by the attackers’ habit of shouting out their actions a moment or two before actually doing it.)
Attackers: Shuriken surprise! At the red devil!
(Bond and SOFA 1 are still engaged in fencing with most of the attackers, but two girls in blue are not currently fighting. These two girls produce morning stars and our two MI6 agents are powerless to stop them. Two throwing stars are hurled at Santa.)
Sacre: Nooo! Not Father Christmas! (She throws herself in front of Santa and both ninja stars hit her.)
Attackers: A murder in Japan, and it's not even Santa: Every policeman in Tokyo will be here in 30 seconds. Run!
(The attackers are gone, but Sacre lies dead on the ground.)
Bond: It all feels so meaningless, so unexpected. Who among us could ever have guessed that Sacre Ficialamb would be the one of us who died?
SOFA 1: Completely unexpected, yes, but not meaningless. She died to save Santa Claus.
Santa: While I'll always remember what she did for me, she died for a greater cause. More than anything I'm a symbol of hope, kindness and Coca Cola. This is what everyone needs, especially today.
(Santa picks Sacre up and carried her to the sleigh. Moments later they fly away and all that can be seen in the sky is a red light.)
Scene 8
Through a shimmering tropical night, the sleigh flies over the Caribbean.
SOFA 1: It’s so beautiful down there. I’m glad to be taking a look because I’ve never been to the Caribbean.
Bond: I’ve been, quite a few times too. I love Jamaica like a second home.
SOFA 1: A second home?
Bond: Yes, it sometimes feels as if I was born there.
Santa: Down below us is our next landing point, San Monique.
Bond: Ah, San Monique. Interesting place, and totally unlike Jamaica.
SOFA 1: Unlike Jamaica? But-
Bond: (Firmly.) Completely unlike Jamaica. I had an interesting time there a year or two ago.
Santa: (Raising an eyebrow.) A year or two?
Bond: (Ignoring Santa’s comment.) I was involved with their politics: the Prime Minister back then had a serious inflation problem. I hope they have a better one these days.
SOFA 1: It looks like paradise down there.
Bond: Yes, and yet so completely unlike Jamaica.
(They are suddenly besieged from above by a swarm of small drones, all with parcels hanging below them. Bond and SOFA 1 struggle to read the writing thereon, but it is no problem for Santa Claus who has spent many years reading scrawled letters from tiny children.)
Santa: Amazon? Why should it say that? We’re thousands of miles away from the Amazon.
(They are forced down onto a magnificent yacht complete with swimming pool, with the legend “Flying Fox” inscribed on the side. About twenty scantily clad henchwomen appear, aiming machine guns at them, and indicate they should go below.
They enter a huge chamber, with large windows and many monitors and TV screens. A man is sitting in a chair, back to them, bald head just showing over the top of the chair.)
Bond: This seems familiar, somehow... (Starts looking around the room.)
SOFA 1: What are you looking for?
Bond: A pussy.
SOFA 1: Oh ....
Bond: A white cat, to be precise.
(The chair turns revealing...)
SOFA 1: Jeff Bezos!
Bond: That doesn't surprise me. I was expecting the white cat, though.
Bezos: Come in, Mr Kringle. I have been expecting you.
Santa: Of course you've been expecting me, it's Christmas!
Bezos: And you too, Mr Bond. You belong to me now. (Cackles evilly.)
Bond: We’ll see about that, Bezos!
Bezos: You’re too late, Mr Bond. I have been wanting this for a long time. You might say I took … an eon.
SOFA 1: But why are you doing all this, Bezos? Why are you trying to kill Santa? Everybody loves Santa!
Bezos: Everybody? Ha! I have spent my life building up the world’s greatest distribution network. All around the world, it is Amazon who deliver parcels, letters, and everything else that can be sent. We are Number One! …. Except at Christmas.
SOFA 1: Christmas?
Bezos: Yes, Christmas! That is when this… this… paragon here hands out presents to children all around the world- for free!
Santa: Yes, but you see-
Bezos: For free, I said! What kind of business model is that? How am I supposed to compete with a rival who delivers goods for free!? All that children all over the world have to do is write a letter saying they have been good, telling him what they want, and then send it to the North Pole. The North Pole! Can you imagine what the postage on that would be if they went with Amazon? Can you imagine the profit I would make? But oh no, this Saint Nicholas, this Santa Claus, this Kris Kringle-
Santa: Enough, everyone knows who I am.
Bezos: - this Father Christmas, he does it all for free! So I am doing what any sound businessman would do- I am eliminating the competition.
(He snaps his finger, and the henchwomen all point their machine guns at Santa. Bond, however, quickly pulls off one of the buttons from the jacket which Q gave him earlier and throws it down. Instantly a thick billow of smoke appears.)
Bezos: Hey!
Bond: Here, Santa, quick- with me! SOFA 1, you too!
SOFA 1: (Working with her phone.) Just one moment….
Bond: SOFA 1, there’s no time to waste telling your friends on social media all about this right now!
SOFA 1: I am not wasting time, James- I have alerted my HQ as to where we are. Now we run!
(Santa, SOFA 1, and Bond run through the smoke up to the deck, avoiding the stumbling, coughing and still scantily clad henchwomen. They arrive topside just in time to see a plane fly overhead, dropping a batch of scantily clad but heavily armed SOFA agents.)
SOFA 1: My associates at SOFA.
Bond: And just in time, too.
(The fighting begins. Bond at first goes to join in, then decides he'd rather step back and watch teams of scantily clad beauties fighting.)
(Meanwhile, on a nearby beach, a brother and sister relax on sun loungers.)
Sister: Hey, Michael, wake up!
Brother: (Fast asleep.) Oh no, not him- he doesn’t look anything at all like James Bo- Ow! Ow! Stop it! Alright, Barbara, if you want him we’ll-
Sister: Michael! Wake up!
Brother: (Wakes up.) What is it?
Sister: Look, did you see that?
Brother: See what?
Sister: A plane just flew right overhead, dropping a batch of scantily clad but heavily armed women!
Brother: Damn, I missed that.
Sister: Yes, it was the sort of thing that might give ideas to people who make spy or adventure movies which aren’t to be taken too seriously.
Brother: Hmm, people who make spy or adventure movies which aren’t to be taken too seriously you say? Now you know, we-
Sister: Don’t get ideas, we still have a few thousand more beaches to investigate.
Brother: Aw….
(In no time the Amazon agents are completely overwhelmed. Bond and SOFA 1 go below to face Bezos, only to find that the villain has escaped in a bathosub and is out of reach.)
SOFA 1: He’s gone!
Bond: I wouldn’t worry about that. Somehow, I have the feeling we will meet him again. Don't know where, don't know when. But I know we'll meet again ..... at least I will.
(They go back on deck to find the Amazon agents being held at gunpoint by the SOFA agents. A smiling Santa stands by his sleigh.)
Santa: Thank you everybody, but time is short- we still have some presents to deliver!
Bond: I think you will be safe enough to carry on without us, Santa.
Santa: Are you sure? (He sees Bond and SOFA 1 heading below decks.) Oh, I see you are. Rudolf! Let’s go.
(The sleigh heads up into the night sky, now getting near dawn.)
The last part....
In the bedroom of the yacht.
Bond: Now that we’re finally alone, there’s a question I’ve been wanting to ask you for a long, long time.
SOFA 1: Oh James, can’t you tell? The answer to your question is “Yes”.
Bond: Good- I hope that you’ll be repeating that word many times tonight, in a loud and hoarse voice….
(She kisses him passionately and begins to unzip her top.)
Bond: Now, I hope you don’t think that I don’t appreciate what you’re saying and doing, but that wasn’t my question.
SOFA 1: It wasn’t?
Bond: …but please keep that thought in mind.
SOFA 1: I will. Now ask!
Bond: Well, I know that your real name isn’t SOFA 1…
SOFA 1: No, of course not.
Bond: And I know that it isn’t Agent Kyrkjsæterøra either.
SOFA 1: You can say it! You were only pretending not to be able to say it!
Bond: But of course, although I know that M wasn’t pretending and I’m pretty sure that Santa wasn’t either. Tell me, just what is your name?
SOFA 1: You’ll laugh.
Bond: No, I promise I won’t.
SOFA 1: Are you sure?
Bond: I have met many people with many strange names. I promise I won’t laugh.
SOFA 1: All right. It’s… Beaver.
Bond: Beaver. (Pauses.) See? I didn’t laugh.
SOFA 1: And my first name is Lotsa.
(Bond collapses onto the bed, laughing. Lotsa Beaver hits him furiously with the pillows before the two begin to kiss, and we discreetly fade out as the title song begins….)
Coldfinger
He's the man, the man with the frozen touch
An icicle’s touch
Such a cold finger
Beckons you to enter his web of sin
But don't go in
Ice cold words he will pour in your ear
But his lies can't disguise what you fear
For a frozen girl knows when he's kissed her
It's the kiss of death from
Mister Coldfinger
Pretty girl beware of this heart of ice
This heart is cold
He loves only dough
Only lolly
He loves moolah
He loves only dosh
Only dosh
He loves dossshhhhhh!
Brought to you by Barbel, CoolHand Bond, Number24
AI Illustrations by Number24
CoolHandBond and I would like to thank Number 24 very much for his lovely AI illustrations, which have added a new dimension to our little tale. Barbel
THE END
Thanks. As I've said before, it's a very rewarding experience to take part in the writing of Coldfinger.
Now we're curious to learn what other members think of the final product. What did you enjoy? Was there perhaps something that was less successful?
Splendid. Just splendid, gents. 🍸️
"I am not an entrant in the Shakespeare Stakes." - Ian Fleming
"Screw 'em." - Daniel Craig, The Best James Bond EverTM
Thanks, @Loeffelholz, much appreciated.
A merry Christmas to everyone on AJB! 🎅
Well done guys...great fun!
Merry Christmas everybody.
We're glad you enjoyed it! Merry Christmas to you. 🎄
A wonderful Christmas gift, thank you for the laughs. Merry Christmas to all.
Nice job guys. That was fun. Merry Christmas to everyone.
Your compliments mean a lot to us. 😃
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good day (and night) 🥂
"I am not an entrant in the Shakespeare Stakes." - Ian Fleming
"Screw 'em." - Daniel Craig, The Best James Bond EverTM
Good news! Santa Claus was spotted today in Norway. He looked like he was in good health and had the height and build of one of the AJB members. Unfortunately I wasn't in a position to take a photo.
This will take some reading.... Thanks for the effort put in @Barbel @Number24 @CoolHandBond
And thank you for reading it @chrisno1 it was great fun, and not too many fights between us 😁
I'm reviving this thread for one post even though I know Christmas 2023 is over. You may remember I (correctly) portrayed Bergen as a city of lots of rain and barely any snow. Just to mess with me and the Christmas Special the "capital of the west coast" has recieved a lot of snow in the last week or so. BUT ..... as this picture shows, the people of Bergen are so attached to their umbrellas they even use it under these rare weather conditions. 😁