The AJB007 Christmas Special 2024
Barbel
ScotlandPosts: 38,281Chief of Staff
brought to you by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Harry Canyon, Number24
Scene 1
Eon HQ, underneath the Russian Embassy in Istanbul. Harry Saltzman & Albert R. Broccoli await their next applicant, or in this case applicants, to make a James Bond movie.
Harry: This is a bit unusual, Cubby.
Cubby: I know, but they work as a team and that’s the way they want to approach us.
Harry: If it works for them, then why not?
Cubby: They have been very successful in their field.
Harry: Well, let’s hear what they have to say. (Presses button on intercom.) Send them in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, of course, Mr Saltzman.
(The door opens and two men walk in.)
Cubby: Sit down, please, gentlemen. (They do.) Now, which of you is … ?
Rogers: I’m Peter Rogers.
Thomas: And I’m Gerald Thomas.
Harry: And you are the team behind the long series of “Carry On” films, are you not?
Thomas: That’s right. I’m the director and Peter here is the producer.
Cubby: But we’re the producers.
Thomas: I thought maybe we could come to some arrangement like you had with Kevin Mc-
(Cubby turns white as a sheet. His eyes roil and he falls backwards in his chair. Harry presses an emergency buzzer and Dana and Michael come rushing in to tend to him, Barbara wandering in eventually.)
Thomas: What’s the matter? Is it something I said?
Harry: I’m afraid it is. (Cubby begins to come round.) You must never say that name in front of him.
Rogers: What name, Kevin Mc-
(Cubby splutters on the glass of water Dana is giving him. She glares angrily at the “Carry On” team while trying to see to her husband. MGW wipes Cubby with a handkerchief. Eventually he recovers and his family depart, Barbara at the tail end.)
Harry: Look, let’s just change the subject.
Cubby: (Just about back to normal.) Tell us what your thoughts would be for a James Bond movie.
Rogers: Well, we open with ….
The gun barrel opens up on a wintry lake in Switzerland. A large crowd is walking onto the ice-covered lake where there are dozens of stunning ice sculptures. Bond and a gorgeous blonde with braids walk together.
Bond: So, this is Lake Bouncealot then. What did you say your name was again?
Elsa: It’s Elsa. Elsa Bigguns.
Bond: But of course it is.
Elsa: I’m so pleased to meet you, Mr Bond.
Bond: It’s Sid. Sid James Bond. When did you come?
Elsa: Tonight, on the train.
Bond: Rough night?
Elsa: No, I always walk like this.
Bond: (Turns towards Elsa.) What a wonderful view this -
(He's interrupted by beeps from her smartphone.)
Bond: Would you like to get it now?
Elsa: I’d love to get it now, Sid … but I’d better answer the phone, it's an emergency weather report.
Bond: Oh, terrific.
Elsa: Remember, I'm young enough to date Leonardo DiCaprio, so I'm socially programmed to respond to my smartphone's call immediately.
Bond: Is it from Sony?
Elsa: No, Nokiars.
Bond: Good, I like Nokiars.
(Elsa whips out her smartphone and holds the incredibly large screen absolutely steady. An alarmed-looking blonde is standing in front of a digital map of Switzerland. She looks a lot like Elsa but doesn't have braids or even clothes other than a skimpy but well-filled blue bikini.)
Elsa: It's Betty Bonk, and today she's wearing blue!
Betty: This is Betty Bonk with an emergency weather report! There's a heat wave coming up from Italy. (Every sentence is accompanied by an exaggerated gesture that seems oddly titillating.) The warm push will move quickly down these two valleys (She gives a gesture leaving no doubt what she means.) and congregate in the area around Lake Bouncealot. It will get hot and moist incredibly quickly and authorities urge people to get away from places with snow and ice as soon as possible. (Bond tears his eyes away from the screen and scans the landscape covered in white and icy blue.) The front will part .....
(Bond closes the window on the smartphone.)
Bond: Wouldn’t it be all slushy now after six inches worth last night? The media nowadays will do anything to get clicks!
Elsa: Well, I wasn’t to know how many inches there would be last night, or how long it would last. No, Betty’s different. She's always up front and wouldn't hide anything from us.
Bond: I could see that, but for now we're going to enjoy ourselves on this scenic lake. I have the oddest feeling she won't turn up after this scene or even get mentioned, so let's enjoy ourselves.
(They stroll along admiring the ice art while sipping drinks.)
Elsa: Mmmm … I do love cocktails.
Bond: (Glancing at Elsa.) I could tell you a few of those. You know, I think I'll take my parka off too ...
(They walk past a strange-looking man with a chainsaw making some last-minute changes to his enormous sculpture of a very attractive female.)
Elsa: Look, isn’t that Christina Hendricks?
Bond: Quite a sight. Probably the largest there is.
Elsa: I’ve never seen such a big one!
Bond: Just you wait until tonight….
Elsa: You’re only after one thing!
Bond: Why, what’s wrong with the other one?
Elsa: We’ll discuss that later, but look who that ice sculpture there is- it’s Captain Kirk!
Bond: Where snowman has gone before?
Elsa: And isn’t that snowman there meant to be Spiderman?
Bond: With great powder comes great responsibility.
Elsa: I'm glad we decided to wear our high, waterproof boots that guy on YouTube recommended. The ...... Something .... Experience.
(They splash on to the sculptures further out on the lake.)
Elsa: Look! Those ice sculptures are also fountains, jetting water into the air. I wonder how they do it .....
Bond: Wait, that's not a fountain! It's ....
(People around them suddenly start yelling as the ice starts breaking up.)
Bond: Head for the chills! And never argue with a woman in a bikini....
(He presses a button on his boots and skates pop out. He picks up Elsa and skates at great speed towards land. Avalanches start roaring down several mountainsides.)
Elsa: We won't make it!
Bond: You're right! if only there was something really large we could hold on to!
Elsa: Pick something larger than a door! I've seen Titanic fifteen times, so I would know.
(Elsa’s clothes get caught on the wing of a nearby angel sculpture, and as she falls into Bond’s arms they somehow get ripped off.)
Bond: Coming in on a wing and a prayer?
Elsa: Oh! Sid!
(Bond jumps for the large Christina Hendricks sculpture which by now has melted quite a bit, leaving just a very large bust. Bond lands safely in her .... ahem .... arms and reaches out for Elsa.)
Bond: An icicle made for two.
Bond: Everything looks fine from here.
Elsa: Nice save. We should be safe here.
Bond: Famous last words .....
(The sculpture keeps melting bringing them closer and closer to the semi-cold water.)
Elsa: Oh look, an inflatable life raft! I wonder how that ended up on a Swiss lake in December?
Bond: I have learnt over more years than seem feasible to just go along and not question it when this happens.
(Elsa jumps onto the raft while Bond holds onto the sculpture, flipping off the skates. By the time he's finished the raft has drifted dangerously far away.)
Elsa: Let go, let go! You can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it … oooh ….
Bond: Here I come … oh blast!
(Bond jumps and lands next to Elsa on the raft.)
Elsa: Oh, James!
Bond: I'm so sorry, Elsa. This is so embarrassing .....
Elsa: Why?
(The raft floats towards land as rescue helicopters arrive at the scene and St Bernard dogs with small barrels hanging under their necks swim toward the people in the water. Elsa finds a life jacket in the boat and puts it on. Bond’s eyes goggle.)
Elsa: What do you think? Stylish?
Bond: This never happens to me this early! I can usually wait much longer.
Elsa: Never mind, Sid.
Bond: It’s a crazy little thing, cold love.
Comments
Scene 2
Rogers: ….and then we go into the titles.
Cubby: Speaking of which, what are you thinking of for a title?
Thomas: “Carry On Bonding”, obviously.
Harry: Hmmm…
Rogers: It can’t be “Carry On Spying”, we’ve already done that.
Cubby: Well, we normally have our title sequence with lots of discreet nudity, all very tasteful.
Thomas: Sorry, what did you say?
Cubby: I said “tasteful”.
(Rogers and Thomas look at each other and shrug.)
Rogers: No, sorry, you lost me at “tasteful”.
Thomas: You lost me at “discreet”.
Rogers: We’re okay with “nudity”, though.
Cubby: (Sighing heavily.) So, after the titles, what are your ideas?
Thomas: So far you’ve only seen Sid. We have a whole team of actors, you know.
Rogers: And we’d like to get them introduced quickly.
Harry: Seems reasonable. What happens next, then?
Thomas: We go to Bond’s HQ….
MI6. The office of Miss Honeybunny.
The door is slightly open, and two hands appear through it. They use a DD bra as a catapult to send a pair of panties fringed with black lace unerringly to a peg on the coatrack.
Miss Honeybunny: ‘Ere! I’ve told you before about that!
(The door swings open to reveal ... Sid James Bond.)
Bond: Hello, Honeybunny!
Honeybunny: James! I mean, Sid! What’s up?
Bond: Just you come here and I’ll show you what’s up!
Honeybunny: Saucy!
Bond: Is Emmm in?
Honeybunny: Yes, and he’s been looking for you.
(The intercom buzzes.)
Emmmm: Miss Honeybunny, is 00 Ohhh there?
Honeybunny: Yes, sir.
Emmm: Send him in, please.
Honeybunny: Yes, sir. Ouch!
(Bond looks innocently upwards.)
Emm: Bond, stop pinching Miss Honeybunny’s behind and get in here.
Bond: Yes, sir.
(He goes into M’s office.)
Emmm: Sit down, 00 Ohhh.
Bond: Yes, sir. (Sits.) Can we think of a better number for me? This “00 Ohhh” business is getting too much.
Emmm: It’s your own fault for pinching Miss Honeybunny’s behind when she was allocating the numbers. Now, there’s some things I want you to do.
Bond: Really, sir, here in your office?
Emmm: Stop messing about! Have you heard of a TV weather woman called Betty Bonk?
Bond: (Mutters to himself.) You got that one wrong, Sid. She does appear again.
Emmm: What? What did you say?
Bond: Nothing, sir. Please continue. Yes, I’ve heard of her.
Emmm: Hmm. Anyway, I am also sure you have heard of her current paramour.
Bond: Sorry?
Emmm: Her beau.
Bond: Say what?
Emmm: Her inamorato. Her beloved. Her significant other.
Bond: Oh, you mean her boyfriend. Why didn’t you just say so?
Emmm: Not everyone has the IQ of a goldfish, Bond. You have certainly heard of him, for he is … Dr Snow!
(The invisible orchestra blares a dramatic chord. Bond and Emmm look around, confused.)
Bond: Oh yes, I have heard of him. Holder of three Nobel Prizes. He would have held four but his hands weren’t big enough. International sportsman in all categories. Multi-billionaire able to buy out Bill Gates and Elon Musk with the flick of one of his fingers, even though they’re very small. Donald Trump claims to be one of his best friends, probably because of the hands thing. Well-known –
Emmm: Yes, thanks –
Bond: - gambler, who has broken the banks of several well-known casinos. Master of –
Emmm: Bond, that’s –
Bond: - all known forms of –
Emmm: Bond! Enough!
Bond: Ah, yes, sir, if you say so.
Emmm: We believe he is behind the recent bouts of unseasonal and inclement weather being experienced all over the globe.
Bond: I’ve experienced some of it myself, sir.
Emmm: And tonight he’s going to the Arses High club, not far from here, accompanied by Miss Bonk. I want you to be there, strictly only in an observing role. No stealing his girlfriend.
Bond: (All innocence.) Who, me, sir?
Emmm: Most certainly you! Now, get out of here and go see Coo to get properly equipped.
Bond: Properly equipped? I’ve never had any complaints so far!
Emmm: Get out of here!
(Bond heads out to Miss Honeybunny’s office. After a moment …)
Miss Honeybunny: Oh! Sid!
Emmm: Stop that at once and go see Coo!
---------------------------------
Coo Branch. Bond enters to find Coo working on his latest gadgets.
Bond: Morning, Coo.
Coo: Oh hello!
Coo: Did you like those instant skates I gave you?
Bond: But of course – real cutting-edge technology.
Coo: You’re on thin ice with cracks like that. Now look at this.
(He holds out a small object.)
Bond: A lighter?
Coo: Yes, it’s based on a gadget that your American counterpart Derek Flintlock uses, but this one has a built-in sensor to find something that’s not frozen in an iced-up area. I used it this morning on Mrs. Coo’s pussy.
Bond: She’s not fridge-id is she?
Coo: Don’t be silly, 00 Oooh. Her tabby cat was out all night in the cold, that’s all. Next, we have this.
(He opens a cupboard with a triumphant movement, as if expecting trumpets to blare “ta-ra”.)
Bond: Coo, that’s a parka.
Coo: Ah yes, but this has a parachute built into the hood in case you unexpectedly find yourself falling from a height. Something that seems to happen to you with some regularity, I believe. (Bond raises his eyebrows.) Just tug the cord on the hood and whoosh, out comes the parachute. We tested it with a blind man, it’s easy as anything.
Bond: Must have scared the #*@£ out of the dog. Good idea, Coo.
Coo: All my ideas are good, 00 Oooh, it’s just that you never seem to use them twice.
Bond: You only live once, Coo.
Coo: Now, this is a sensor that tells you if a nearby person is in an agitated emotional state, or just simply upset somehow.
Bond: Cleverly disguised as a belt buckle.
Coo: It can tell you when people are angry, scared, or perhaps, er, I believe “turned on” is the correct expression.
Bond: I can usually figure out those sort of things by myself, Coo.
Coo: You never know when you might need some help.
Bond: Was it necessary to have the buckle shaped as a flashing arrow pointing downwards?
Coo: I’m still working on that. Now next we have this pen. Just press here and –
(The pen shoots out a white sticky substance which attaches itself to the wall.)
Bond: That looks like one very excited pen.
Coo: Oh, stop that. This pen fires an unbreakable glue which you can use as a rope to swing from a building, or to tie up your opponents.
Bond: A bit like Spiderman’s web?
Coo: Yes, that’s where I got the idea!
Bond: Coo, you’re a marvel.
Coo: How about DC?
Bond: No, he’s dead. Bombed out.
To be continued ....
by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Harry Canyon, Number 24
Part 2
Back at Eon.
Harry: …and then we go to the gambling scene.
Rogers: Gambling scene?
Cubby: Of course, we have to have a gambling scene.
Rogers: Honeybunny could have a budgie that tweets her the winning numbers at roulette.
Harry: That’s ridiculous!
Cubby: How about a talking parrot, now that’s sensible!
Thomas: Baccarat?
Harry: Don’t be silly, nobody knows the rules for that.
Cubby: We’ll make it poker this time.
Rogers: Ah, right! “Poke her”! We can get a lot of jokes out of that!
Harry: No we won’t.
Thomas: You sure? I can just see Sid making some wisecrack to Bernie about how much he’d like to poke –
Cubby: You can maybe see that but we don’t. And who’s this Bernie, anyway?
Rogers: Have you seen our movies?
Harry: No, for some reason we seem to have managed to avoid them.
Thomas: Hmmm. Well, Bernie is Bernard Bresslaw. You can’t miss him, he’s a giant of a man.
Cubby: Would he make a good bodyguard or henchman?
Rogers: Absolutely.
Harry: Right, then. We can meet him in the gambling scene….
The Arses High Club. James Bond enters, for once not looking at all out of place in his customary evening wear. He strolls through the crowded tables. From one he hears two players talking.
Player One: Double Six.
Player Two: I’ll need a great deal of luck to get out of that.
(Bond looks to see what is being played, and is mildly surprised to find that it is a high-stakes game of dominoes.)
Bond: I once knew a girl called Domino. Or was it twice …?
(He hears the sounds of oohs and aahhs as people surround a table. Recognising Betty Bonk from the weather report earlier, he walks over, rather disappointed that she is in an evening dress and not a bikini. A distinguished-looking man is seated next to her, and a large bodyguard type stands behind them.)
Dr Snow: Is there anybody else who wants to take us on? We’ve beaten everyone else.
(Bond sits in the vacant seat opposite the pair.)
Bond: What’s the game?
Snow: Poker. Heads up. No limit.
(Bond throws a wad of money onto the table, telling the dealer to change it into chips.)
Betty: Ooh, that’s a lot!
Bond: My big stack is legendary.
Betty: I might tap it for good luck. I’m always disappointed if someone comes with a short stack.
Snow: Enough! I hope you lose with good grace, Mister…?
Bond: Bond…Sid James Bond.
Snow: …Bond. Strict rules of Poker. You have your load of chips. Winner takes all.
Betty: Don’t shoot your load too soon, Mr. Bond. It would be a shame to ruin the evening so quick.
Bond: One hand is all I need.
Betty: I think I’d need two hands to handle your big stack, Mr. Bond, or can I call you Sid? (Betty giggles.)
(The dealer shuffles, cuts, and deals two cards to each player face down. Bond has two queens. Snow has 10s and Jacks.)
Dealer: Your bet Mr. Bond.
Betty: (Whispering to Snow.) I’ve seen your one-eyed Jack many times. (Giggles again.)
Bond: Five thousand. (As he tosses chips into the centre.)
Snow: Call. (As he matches the bet.) A big pair? (Looking for a tell, and not getting one.)
Bond: Not quite as big as Betty’s.
Betty: Do you go all-in with a pair of ladies, Sid? (Giggling.)
Bond: Well, there was a time in a gipsy camp when…
Snow: Call! We’re playing poker, Mr. Bond, not This Is Your Life.
Dealer: Now for the flop. (He discards the top card face down, deals three cards face down and flips them over. Ace of Spades, Queen of Spades, Seven of Spades. This gives Bond a set of Queens and Snow a Flush.)
Betty: I do hate to see a flop.
Bond: Ten thousand.
Snow: Raise, twenty-five thousand.
(Bond looks at Snow, is he bluffing a flush? If he’s holding one Spade he has a two-to-one chance of drawing another with the next two cards.)
Bond: Call. I’m never scared to go for a piece of the action. (He looks at Betty for a reaction, he sees a saucy smile.)
(The dealer discards another card face down followed by the turn card face up - a Four of Clubs. Useless to both players. Bond recognises that he can’t be weak in this position and…)
Bond: Twenty-five Thousand.
Betty: I do love a man with a strong hand.
Snow: All in. That's another forty-five thousand, Mr. Bond. A hundred thousand in total. With another card to come.
Betty: I do love a man who shoves it all-in.
(Bond takes stock of the situation. He’s sure he is behind to a Flush. He needs a Queen for quads or an Ace, Seven or four for a full house. A lot of outs.)
Bond: Call.
(Snow prays for King of Spades to make a Royal Flush. The dealer discards one card face down and turns over the river card - it’s a four of Hearts!)
Snow: (Turning over his pocket cards.) Flush. (And reaches over to collect the chips.)
Bond: Not so fast. (He flips over his pocket cards.) A full house.
(The giant of a man Bond had noticed earlier steps out of the shadows behind Dr Snow.)
Snow: Mr. Bond. This is Gnasher. I think you will become good friends. Spend the money quickly, Mr. Bond.
Bond: You can keep the money, Dr Snow. I’ll settle for one drink with Betty.
Betty: (Excitedly.) Oohhh!
Snow: Most sportsmanlike of you, Mr Bond. Goodbye.
Bond: Oh, let’s say au revoir.
(Betty and Barney, er, Bond, head to the bar. Dr Snow turns and whispers to Gnasher.)
Snow: Follow him.
(Gnasher nods and follows as discreetly as a man of his size can.)
Bond: What would you like to drink, Betty?
Betty: It’s more a matter of where I’d like to drink it. Come on upstairs to my room here.
Bond: But of course.
(They go into the nearest elevator. Gnasher watches as the indicator eventually leads to floor 007 (you were expecting anything else?) then wearily begins to climb the stairs.
Meanwhile, in Betty’s room Bond starts to undress.)
Betty: My, what a big one you've got
Bond: (Takes gun from holster.) Yes, I'm told it has a delivery like a brick through a plate glass window.
Betty: I'm looking forward to your delivery.
(Bond begins to undo his belt buckle.)
Betty: Ooh, I like that arrow. Does it always point down?
(She begins to take off her bra. The arrow now points upwards and begins beeping loudly.)
Betty: That’s much better!
Bond: Let’s see if I can hit the bullseye.
(A discreet time later, Bond and Betty lie sated in each other’s arms in one of those magic bedsheets that keeps her covered to the neck but exposes his hairy chest. The radio is softly playing.)
Radio: Now here is the news. The Prime Minister says he has spent all he could-
(Bond casually turns it off.)
Bond: That makes two of us.
Betty: Oh Sid James Bond, I wish I could stay here with you and carry on eternally (Bond’s eyes blink.) but I have to go back to Dr Snow or he will have me killed.
Bond: Stay with me, Betty.
Betty: I can’t, he needs me to give out false weather reports and – oh no, I’ve said too much.
Bond: What is he up to?
Betty: You smooth talker, you’ve convinced me. He’s going to Legoland to –
(The door crashes open and Gnasher bursts into the room, like an elephant in a glass museum. Bond dives out of bed to tackle him but too late sees that the henchman’s target wasn’t him but Betty.)
Betty: Oh James….
(Betty dies as Gnasher makes his escape while Bond is still frantically trying to tug on his underpants, but his foot has got caught and he plummets to the floor.)
Bond: Ow!
Back at Eon….
Rogers: That’s great, we now have a part for big Bernie.
Thomas: Yes, he’ll be just great as this Gnasher character.
Harry: Glad you approve.
Rogers: One thing, though. We have to scale things up.
Cubby: Yes, I know what you mean. We have to involve all the important countries in the world.
Thomas: And Britain.
Harry: Yes, of course. Let’s go to the United Nations ….
General Assembly, New York. The Secretary General beats his gavel to silence all the representatives of all the world's important nations, and Britain.
Secretary General: Silence, silence everyone please! The representative of the United Kingdom has asked to speak on a very important issue.
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: Thank you. Representatives from a number of countries have complained about the lack of snow in recent years, leading to a decline in winter sports sales and, most importantly, Christmas seasonal sales. Unfortunately, the latest data supports these observations about snow. In fact, the warmest ten years on record since we started collecting these observations in the 19th century has been … let’s see ... (He checks his papers.) …. the last ten years.
(Archie pauses five seconds for effect while the facts set in. Few seem very interested. His wife looks on approvingly.)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: Let’s give the representatives a moment to reflect on this information …
(The Secretary General pushes a button and two huge screens light up on the wall behind him. Both screens show the Earth, one screen showing the Northern hemisphere and the other the Southern as seen from the poles. The digital images show the snow cover pulling back. The SG silently thanks Pradeep (from Lairs Incorporated) who had called and given him a very good offer on computer graphics. Wait – the SG notices representatives from countries near the equator checking their Smartphones or nodding off. He presses another button in front of him. The unfocused representatives jump in their seats as if mildly electrocuted. Again he silently thanks Pradeep.)
Nigel Garage: I really think…
(The Secretary General pushes a button and a milkshake hits Garage in the face before his chair suddenly disappears underneath him, dragging him below. Fire and smoke is momentarily glimpsed through the hole in the floor before the trapdoor closes. There is scattered applause.)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: Of course…this is just bad luck and happenstance but we can’t simply rely on better luck in the future. Everyone in Canada, Russia, New Zealand and other countries in the temperate zone will become hot. Some are getting very hot …. (The SG takes a brief moment to wink at every younger woman who looks like they come from a country near the poles.) Perhaps even more importantly, if this continues the billion-dollar winter sports and Christmas gift manufacturing businesses will collapse!
(All the representatives gasp in audible horror except the Russian delegate who smiles)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: The facts are simple – snow leads to Christmas cheer, and Christmas cheer leads to more money being spent on gifts and other Christmas related goods.
(A graph pops up on the gigantic screens showing the correlation between snow and billions spent in November and December in a range of countries. Multiple gasps from those in attendance as the enormity of the situation hits them)
Sir Archie-Pound-Himen: Silence, silence please! Now, we’d asked for a representative from CERN to come and deliver a presentation on the physics behind these grave environmental issues. Unfortunately, Dr. Christmas Jones was unable to attend as she’d already presented on a similar topic back in July, and she only comes once a year.
(A groan is heard from the audience. Everyone looks to see who made it but nobody owns up.)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: I have taken the liberty of inviting a distinguished guest via videolink who has a quick fix-it that will in no way come back and bite us in the buttocks - please give a big round of applause to Doctor Snow!
(A man is shown on both the enormous screens. The assembly shudders in a rare unanimous gesture.)
Sir Archie Pound-Himen: (Turns to the left screen, then the right in a bi-partisan motion.) Welcome to the UN, Doctor Snow!
(A previously unseen full symphony orchestra in the wings of the large room starts playing a grand piece of music. The brass section takes the lead. The music sounds majestic as well as not so vaguely threatening.)
Snow: Thank you. I feared I'd be met with a cold shoulder, but hopefully the music helped break the ice. Now … everybody chill out … I'm here to make a proposition to the world. I want to turn these mild winters of our discontent into glorious Christmases using my Snow Job machines. I have made machines that can not only make snow and ice, but can also lower the temperatures in whole countries or regions.
(Everyone applauds. Elton Mush takes notes.)
I have set up a demonstration of my winter machine in Central Park. Please wear warm underwear and bring parkas, mittens, a beanie, or clothes made of furry endangered animals. I'll serve eggnog!
To be continued....
Part 3
by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Harry Canyon, Number24
Central Park, New York. Thousands of people are gathered, including the UN representatives, People are curious enough to show up, but also sceptical enough to try to casually hide the sports bags and Lois Put On bags where their warm clothes are. Suddenly a piece of grand (sensible people would say pompous) music starts playing. The crowd looks around and spots a full symphony orchestra standing among them.
UN Secretary General: Snow is pulling out all the bells and whistles, I see.
(Bond and an attractive blonde woman in her mid-twenties are standing in a crowd about a hundred feet away from the stage.)
Bond: Personally I don't know why M sent me to this silly unveiling, although it was nice of the CIA to send a young lady like you to keep me company.
Agent Hugginkiss: No trouble at all, Bond. The CIA a has pool of us ready for any visits to the states from you. As soon as I got the assignment I just dried off, put on a dress over my bikini and jumped in the car.
Bond: You shouldn't have gone to all that trouble for me. Come as you are.
Hugginkiss: (As Bond nods to the stage.) This man could sell ice to the Eskimos.
(They see a large cloud of dry ice on the stage. Doctor Snow emerges from it in a style that makes the music sound understated.)
Dr Snow: (Whirling around like a model on a runway.) Today I'm wearing a coat made of polar bear pelts and a hat made of beaver fur.
Bond: Mmm, I just love beaver.
Dr Snow: Welcome to this demonstration of my machine. I will unveil it in a moment, but until then you have to have ice in your veins. Don't worry though, you’ll snow all about it soon …
(Snow gestures to a large object the size of a refrigerator.)
Snow: And now comes the icing on the cake - the revolutionary Snow Job machine!
(Snow takes an ice pick and cuts the rope. The veil is lifted and a strange gadget is revealed that looks like an updated version of a classic record player. All that’s missing is a little dog looking down the sound horn.)
Hugginkiss: That's a big horn.
Snow: No need to wait any longer, but you won't believe your ice!
(Snow presses a few buttons on the machine, then steps back while the gadget starts humming in a high-pitched tone. Cold air then starts pumping with great force out of the horn and within seconds people see snow in the air.)
Snow: It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!!! And they called me crazy ......
(People watch in shock and awe, then they suddenly remember the extra clothes they sneaked into the park, and start putting them on in the fresh snowstorm. The crowd freeze for a moment as they see a group of female students who remembered warm underwear, but made the mistake of packing it in their sports bags.)
Hugginkiss: I didn't know it was possible to blow so hard!
Bond: I have faith in you. Ski goggles on - protect your ice! We'll blink another day.
Hugginkiss: Oh, I thought we only brought those to look cool!
Bond: I always look cool, even in a blue onesie!
Hugginkiss: Have you seen my muff?
Bond: Miss Hugginkiss, It's only been twenty minutes since we first met! But no, I haven't seen it yet ...
(A group of youngish people, three girls and three boys, are standing outside a cafe.)
1st Girl: Oh look, snow and ice everywhere.
1st Boy: Could it BE more cold?
2nd Girl: Let’s get back home, I have to consult my grandmother about this.
3rd Girl: But your grandmother's been dead for years.
2nd Girl: Of course she has, let's have a seance.
2nd Boy: As long as you don't start singing "Smelly Cat" again.
(After a few minutes Snow walks over to the machine and switches it off. The snow storm calms down. There is already several inches of snow on the crowd and the snow now falls gently and quietly to the ground like fake snow in Hollywood Christmas movies.)
Bond: That's better, to put it mildly. You're suddenly looking perky. Is it the cold or are you just happy to see me?
Snow: (Now at peak pomposity.) I bring you ....... Christmas!
(The orchestra starts playing "White Christmas".)
Snow: (Crooning like Bing Crosby.) I'm dreeeaming of whiiiite Christmas .......
Little girl: Do you wanna build a snowman?
Little boy: Yeah! I'll download Frozen on my smartphones and use it as a tutorial.
Little girl 2: Daddy, I want skis for Christmas.
(Men enter The Fannies to buy jewellery.)
Man 1: I need to buy some jewellery for my wife!
Man 2: My mistress deserves a necklace!
Man 3: Wives and mistresses - may they never meet!
(Everyone flocks to Lazy's, Hoardstrom, Needless Markups and the flagships stores of the other famous department stores.)
Snow: (Turning to the UN General Secretary.) I'd call this snow, Christmas cheer and a marked rise in the seasonal economy. Wouldn't you?
UN General Secretary: I'm getting cold feet.
(Snow turns the horn on his machine at the General Secretary and puts his finger on a button.)
UN General Secretary: Suddenly I'm warming to this project ....
(Snow turns to the crowd of UN representatives.)
Snow: Who would like a winter machine? Let's have a show of hands.
(Several dozen hands get raised. Only Ireland raises both hands as a joke.)
Snow: Let's see .... Canada, that's nice. Japan, the US, New Zealand , all the Nordic countries. Switzerland. I don't see you raising your hand, Russia?
Russia: Thanks, but no thanks. Our great leader has been making the whole region cold for years now.
Snow: I see your point.
(More countries join the list.)
Snow: Quatar?
Quatar: We plan a ski resort in the desert.
Snow: Whatever works ........ was that the last one? The Philippines??!!!!!
The Philippines: No-one in our country has ever seen snow, and this is our chance!
Back at Eon.
Thomas: Something just occurred to me.
Cubby: Yes?
Thomas: Betty tells Bond to go to Legoland.
Harry: So?
Rogers: But why Legoland? Why not Aragorn or Gimli?
(Cubby and Harry exchange looks.)
Cubby: Just carry on….
Legoland, near the town of Bellend in Denmark. Bond walks slowly through the gates. The level of snow is nearing knee-height, and the amusement park is closed for visitors. He looks around, admiring the accurate miniature structures, while searching for the winter machine he knows must be here.
Bond: This is all very nice, but where could Dr Snow have hidden his Snow Job machine?
(He examines the model of the Eiffel Tower, to find an attractive young lady bending over and doing the same.)
Young Lady: A great eyeful, this.
Bond: Funny, I was thinking much the same. My name is –
Young Lady: Bond. Sid James Bond.
Bond: You know me?
Young Lady: Let’s just say that your reputation precedes you. I’m Randi.
Bond: But of course you are.
Young Lady: Randi Ness.
Bond: I know the feeling.
Randi: My name is Ness, Randi Ness.
Bond: Sister of Eliot?
Randi: Sister Of Locke, actually. We know who you are, Mr Bond, and what you are here for.
Bond: And who are “we”, might I ask?
Randi: Psst!
(Bond looks around for other people before he leans closer to Randi.)
Bond: Yes .......?
Randi: PST, Police Security Service. I work for Norwegian Intelligence. Back in the day we were called POT, but everyone kept giggling.
Bond: Norwegian Intelligence, isn’t that an oxymoron?
Randi: Very funny, but I’m here for the same thing you are. We have to find Dr Snow’s Snow Job machine before he uses it to blackmail the world powers.
Bond: Have you any ideas?
Randi: I thought it might be inside the model of the Leaning Tower Of Peesoff, or perhaps the Great Pyramid Of Geezer.
Bond: Too obvious.
Randi: How about Bangkok?
Bond: Later, perhaps, but let’s get on with the –
(From nowhere Gnasher suddenly appears and runs towards them. Bond draws his gun but Gnasher contemptuously swipes his arm aside, sending the Walther flying to end up in the model Mediterranean, just missing a bikini-clad beauty on a yacht who’s on the phone to her friend complaining about tennis pros and gigolos. Bond punches Gnasher, who falls on the model of the Abu Simbel temple. The temple falls to pieces under the weight of the large man.)
Bond: Egyptian builders!
(The fight continues as they struggle with each other, laying waste to Paris, London and Tokyo.)
Randi: Let them fight! Or .....
(Randi trips Gnasher up, causing one of his shoes to come off. Gnasher lunges at her but steps on a bit of Lego sending waves of agony through his body. As he hops around, Bond kicks off Gnasher’s other shoe and the big man has no alternative but to run away howling in pain as the vicious little bits of Lego are crushed under his feet.)
Bond: I bet he was hopping mad.
Randi: Never mind that, look!
(Gnasher has accidentally knocked the top off the model of the Empire State Building, revealing the Snow Job machine within. Quickly, Randi and Bond demolish it leaving it useless.)
Bond: There’s nothing like teamwork.
Randi: Shall we discuss that in more detail back at your hotel?
Bond: But of course….
Part 4
by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Harry Canyon, Number24
(Barbel would like to make it clear that responsibility for the illustrations rests 100% with Number24, in case anyone couldn't guess. Just sayin')
Back at Eon.
Harry: Randi Ness??!!
Rogers: Hey, don’t look at me- you had a female lead called Pussy Galore!
Cubby: Well, yes, but –
Thomas: And there have to be others.
Harry: You have others? Other bawdy names?
Rogers: You bet. We’re thinking of –
Cubby: No, no. Let’s just find out ….
Bond and Randi are struggling through several feet of snow on their way to a Snow Job machine.
Randi: I miss my hometown...I miss the nights when I used to play with seamen at the local pubs.
Bond: Play with...?
Randi Oh yes. I was very popular.
Bond: I'm sure.
Randi: It was really something...It wasn't just me, of course; seamen would be all over all the girls at the bar. The next day the rooms in the inn had too be cleaned from top to bottom.
Bond: WHERE are you from again? I really must visit.
Randi: I'm from Hell.
You wouldn't believe how often it freezes over, Sid. Give me a beach any day!
Bond: I knew you liked it hot!
Randi: Like to find out how hot?
Bond: Er, yes, well, think about the snow now.
Randi: The snow?
Bond: I'm going even deeper!
Randi: No Sid! I don't think I can handle it!
Bond: You can do it! Look, there's a cabin.
(Bond and Randi enter the cabin, both dressed in full Arctic gear.)
Randi: The spies who came in from the cold?
Bond: I'll start a fire, then we can come ....
(Suddenly the door opens and snow comes in with the blizzard.)
Bond: Shut the door - there's a draft!
Randi: You smart aleck ...
(Randi walks over to the door to close it when a 6'3'' Asian woman, obviously in full winter gear, steps in and unzips her jacket.)
Randi: Who are you and why are you here?
Woman: Ho Lee Fock. I'm Snow's diversity hire.
(Ho punches Randi and her fur hat flies off. Randi rolls back on her feet.)
Randi: No flipping way!
(Randi judo-throws Ho, a move that both sends Ho crashing to the floor and strips her of her parka.)
Randi: Ho, ho, ho ...
(She takes her own jacket off to fight better. Bond is about to join Randi in the fight, but decides she can handle herself and finishes lighting the fire.
More than ten minutes later the floor is strewn with fur clothes and layers upon layers of clothing, fully in accordance with cold weather survival guides. The girls are still fighting. Randi is now in her skin-tight thermal underwear, Ho still has her fleece jacket on, but surprisingly only wears a thong and heavy boots on her lower body.)
Bond: (To himself.) How did Randi get Ho's trousers off while she still has her boots on? Don't question it, just enjoy the show ....
(Bond continues making scrambled eggs in the kitchen section while keeping a sharp eye on the chick fight. Ho kicks Randi who falls on the polar bear rug in front of the fire. Somehow she has lost her long sleeve warm shirt in the fall.)
Ho: Finally I got you on your back!
(Bond stops stirring and leans over the kitchen worktop.)
Randi: You're not my type!
Bond: I’ve got different feelings about that, but carry on.
(Randi is now wearing only a red lace bra on her torso.)
Ho: Lingerie in a snowstorm?
Randi: It's thermal. Standard issue from the Norwegian Ø-branch. All our agents wear it - including the women!
(Ho runs over to the kitchen worktop and grabs a nasty meat knife. Bond makes a difficult decision.)
Bond: Enough foreplay!
(Bond quickly pours the scrambled eggs onto a plate and hits Ho in the back of the head with the frying pan and knocks her out. He looks at Randi, then smiles and glances at the rug in front of the now roaring fireplace.)
Bond: From the frying pan to the fire?
Randi: Randi is my first name ....
(The camera pans to the fireplace while the final items of clothing fall to the floor and a slow saxophone version of the title song starts playing. That's all we're writing. Kids may be reading this, you know.)
Back at Eon.
Harry: A mountain cabin somewhere? No, we need something more than that.
Rogers: More what?
Cubby: More exotic. More evocative. More extravagant.
Thomas: More erotic?
Harry: Maybe, maybe.
Rogers: Somewhere warmer, perhaps?
Cubby: Yes, that’d be good.
Thomas: A desert, like in Australia or Africa?
Harry: Not that warm!
Rogers: A Pacific island?
Cubby: Possible….
Thomas: With lots of native girls dancing in skimpy costumes!
Harry: I’m liking that idea.
Rogers: No, India- the Taj Mahal!
Cubby: Curry On, I mean Carry On ….
Later, back at Emm’s office.
Emmm: You did very well at Legoland, 00 Ohhh.
Bond: Thank you, sir, but I couldn’t have done it without Randi Ness.
Emmm: Randiness? Back to your usual tricks, eh?
Bond: No, no – Randi Ness, the agent from Norwegian Intelligence.
Emmm: The Norwegians have got intelligence? Oh wait, I see what you mean.
Bond: She gave me a helpful hand.
Emmm: I bet she did. Now, we have another target for you and I suppose your new friend Miss Ness should go along with you.
Bond: Oh yes, sir! I mean, oh. Yes sir.
Emmm: We have received information that the next Snow Job machine is hidden in the Taj Mahal.
Bond: You mean the Taj Mahal next to the chippy and across the road from the Chinese takeaway?
Emmm: No, Bond, I mean the real Taj Mahal.
Bond: How did we find this out? From an Asian agent, an Indian Intelligence informer, or a South Goan superspy?
Emmm: None of those, it was in the Daily Mail.
Bond: Oh well, it must be true then.
Emmm: Get out of here and go to India at once!
Bond: I was going to see to … um … see Randi again first, sir.
Emmm: Oooh, go on then, just a quickie visit, pull out fast, time is of the essence.
The Taj Mahal. Bond and Randi land in a helicopter close by, the whole area resembling the Arctic.
Randi: OMG, it’s frozen over.
Bond: Already? Come here, I’ll warm it up for you.
Randi: No, silly, the Taj Mahal. It’s frozen like a block of ice.
Bond: Damn! Where are we going to get a curry now?
Randi: We’ve already done that one.
Bond: I know, but it’s this multiple writer thing, one of the others nicked my joke and used it before me - I’m beginning to know how Purvis and Wade feel now!
Randi: Who?
Bond: Never mind. Anyway, I feel like a chicken tarka.
Randi: What’s that?
Bond: It’s like a chicken tikka but a little ‘otter.
Randi: I always like the music in Indian restaurants.
Bond: Yep, Korma Kormeleon and Bahji Trousers were good ones.
Randi: Yes, Tikka Chance On Me and When I Phal In Love are nice too.
Bond: Yes, but we need to find the Brass Monkey machine and destroy it.
Randi: Brass Monkey?
Bond: Yep, it’s cold enough to freeze the bal…
Randi: Oh, I get it!
Bond: You will a bit later!
(Bond pulls out a cigarette lighter and a large flame shoots from the top.)
Randi: What’s that?
Bond: Coo gave it to me. It’s based on a gadget that my American counterpart Derek Flintlock uses, but this one has a built in sensor to find something that’s not frozen in an iced up area.
Randi: Is this Flintlock fella like you, Sid?
Bond: I suppose so, his weapon’s always cocked for action.
(The lighter glows orange and as they move forward it glows redder and redder until they come to the Snow Job machine hidden in some trees.)
Randi: Ooh, this one looks like a…umm…a ummm…man’s thingy! (Giggles.)
Bond: We’ll call it the Chilly Willy machine then!
(Bond uses the lighter flame to start cutting the head of the machine off.)
Randi: You’ll soon have it off, Sid.
Bond: As soon as I’ve cut this thing in half, you bet!
(The machine breaks in half and immediately the ice begins to thaw. They walk towards the Taj Mahal.)
Randi: Did I tell you about my family, Sid? My dad was called Hard and my mum was Horni.
Bond: Blimey! I bet they didn’t waste much time getting down to it.
(The ice has melted so fast that they are now wading through pools of water.)
Randi: Oh, Sid, I’m all wet now.
(Sid grabs Randi’s arm and starts to run towards the now ice-free Taj Mahal.)
Randi: Ooh, Sid, you can’t wait, can you?
Sid: No, they’ve opened up, I want a pelican curry, as long as the bill’s not too big.
Randi: Ooh, they’re playing Bohemian Rhapsody.
(The lyrics sound out…)
Naan-aa, just killed a man, poppadom against his head, had lime pickle, now he's dead.
(From apparently nowhere, a beautiful young woman dances up to them and seizes hold of Bond’s arm.)
Bond: Hey, stop that! Another time, perhaps.
(But more appear and their dance is exciting and rhythmic, to music which has an irresistibly exotic beat. Randi opens her mouth to yell, as if there was any chance of her being heard, but now a group of handsome young men collect around her and she is drawn into their dance.)
Randi: We’ve been bagged by Bollywood!
(Sure enough, more and more dancers in perfect synchronisation are dancing between them and the Taj Mahal.
There seems nothing for it but to dance along with them, until Bond spots a helicopter hovering over them dangling a rope ladder.)
Bond: Randi! Are you coming?
Randi: I’m not even breathing hard!
(Bond seizes the rope ladder as Randi seizes him. The helicopter lifts higher and they climb inside.)
Bond: Phew, that was close! Thanks for rescuing us, you were just in time!
Dr Snow: Oh, you think so, Mr Bond?
(Alarmed, Bond and Randi take in their surroundings for the first time. Dr Snow is sitting comfortably in an out-of-place armchair, while Ho is aiming a submachine gun straight at them. She indicates for them to go towards the rear of the chopper.)
Ho: This way! Hands up! Now!
(Bond and Randi slowly raise their hands.)
Meanwhile….
Lairs Incorporated, how may I assist?
Yes, that’s correct. Lairs. L. A. I. R. S.
That’s correct. We also repair existing lairs if you want, not just build from scratch.
Uh huh.
Completely new?
OK, hold on. Let me transfer you to Pradeep. He’s one of our customer service agents.
Correct.
P. R. A. D. E. E. P.
Correct.
Right, hold on.
(Pradeep, I’m transferring a call to you. Dr. Show, I think)
OK, standby.
…..
Hello, this is Pradeep with Lairs Incorporated.
Hi there.
I’m fine, thank you.
Thank you, Merry Christmas to you as well.
Right.
Now, did I hear correctly, it’s Dr. Show?
Ah, sorry. Snow.
That’s what I said, ‘Snow’.
S. N. O. W.
Right, Snow.
Right, so what are we looking for today, Dr. Snow?
Yes, I’m familiar with Mt. Rushmore. That’s in…North Dakota?
South, got it. Knew it was one of those.
Uh huh.
So they finished the new head, then?
OK.
Didn’t know that. OK.
Well sure, but it would take a lot of permits.
Well, hollowing out the head would take time. It’s also a rather noisy process so you’ll have to understand that doing it discreetly may pose some difficulties.
Correct.
What is your desired turnaround time?
A rush job like that would be difficult. I’ll have to check on available staffing…one moment.
(Lars? Lars? Hey…LARS! We may have a rush job on a new gig in North Dakota! Sorry, South Dakota. Mt. Rushmore, yeah. Look into who we can pull in on short notice. Right, at least 3 engineers with full rigs.)
Thanks for holding, I have an associate looking into that now.
OK.
Well, making the top of the head open creates some difficulties.
Well, sure. And I think it’d be easy to make some hinge spots where his hairline is.
Right.
No, I’ve seen pictures. They did a good job on replicating the bad hair.
Oh for sure.
So, how much space are you talking about inside of the head?
Ha, I agree…it’s probably empty already.
OK, right. And are you going to want us to do the buildout of the interior as well or just do the hollowing out job?
OK, and do you have plans?
OK, I can have our guys take a look at that and come up with a bid.
Sure.
Right, now I just need your email address to send you our contract package.
Uh huh.
Go ahead.
OK, so…I. C. E. I. C. E. B. A. B. Y. at….right.
Got it.
No, I’m set here. I’ll send you our contract package. Just sign in the appropriate pages and shoot it back along with your plans for the buildout.
Yep, that’s right. You can expect a phone call from my associate Lars by the end of the day.
That’s correct.
Thank you… have an ‘ice day’ yourself.
Back at Eon.
Harry: Now onto the next segment…the big reveal of the plot between Bond and Snow.
Rogers: Like breaking the ice?
Cubby: Well, kind of, it explains the plot of the movie as it’s getting very near the end, as Sergeant Pepper would say.
Thomas: Plot? We don’t go in for that sort of thing usually. Anyway I thought Bond drank Martini’s, not Dr. Pepper?
Harry: Never mind. Then Bond and Randi are imprisoned but escape.
Rogers: From a prison igloo? Sounds like that be fun.
Cubby: Yes, that’d be good.
Thomas: Then escape on an icicle made for two?
Harry: We were thinking more of a ski chase or bobsleigh.
Rogers: Ice and easy!
Cubby: Carry on ….
The helicopter lands. Dr Snow and Bond emerge. Two guards with guns follow to make sure that Bond doesn’t escape. Ho leads Randi off elsewhere.
Snow: Come, Mr. Bond, it’s time for an exposition dump to properly break the ice.
Bond: Yes, I was wondering about that. We’ve really not had a proper discussion of your overall plan.
Snow: It’s overdue, I quite agree. I had an early dump in the UN General Assembly, but you weren’t there. In any case we need a new setting for variety. Any ideas?
Bond: If it matters, I’ve always enjoyed discussing things over golf…?
Snow: Golf? GOLF? All hail is about to break loose and you want to play golf?
Bond: I always want to play golf. It’s so civilized …a gentleman’s sport, as it were.
(Snow give Bond an icy look. If looks could chill…)
Snow: No golf. Skiing. Let’s go skiing.
Bond: Now, I love skiing as much as the other fella, but it’s kind of difficult to have a proper discussion while slaloming. Also, I didn’t bring my parachute.
(Snow harrumphs in displeasure, pretty much like Bernard Lee used to.)
Snow: A fair point, it would get rather loud. Come, I know just the place.
(Snow gestures for Bond to follow.)
Bond: No!
Snow: Yes, an Ice Bar! Completely carved out of ice.
Bond: What’s that horrid music?
Snow: That’s ‘Ice Ice Baby’, of course.
Bond: Of course it is. I’d prefer some Sinatra- “Ice’n’Easy”, perhaps?
(Snow leads Bond into the bar, appropriately named COOL AS ICE. Everyone is wearing parkas and similar. All the furniture is carved out of blocks of ice, including the bar. Racks of spirits are behind the bar, including all brands of vodka.)
Bond: I noticed how your staff stood at attention when you entered. We absolutely must stop at the bar.
Snow: See if they have Labatt Maximum Ice Beer.
Bond: But of course.
(Bond orders a vodka martini for himself. Snow can't see what Bond has ordered for him. Casually, with a raised eyebrow, Bond comes over to the table.)
Bond: They didn’t have Labatt Maximum Ice, unfortunately, but they did have this.
Snow: ZIMA??? You got me a ZIMA???
Bond: But of course. Ice cold, too.
(Snow harrumphs again, takes a sip from the Zima, cringes, and puts it down. Bond sits across from him.)
Bond: Now, let’s get to it. The audience does get tired of long exposition scenes so we should really get going.
Snow: Of course. That’s why I’ve arranged some distractions in the background.
(Snow tilts his head, and Bond follows his gaze. In walk none other than Bambi and Thumper dressed as snow bunnies. Nodding to Bond, they start jumping around.)
Bond: Nice touch. Or should I say, ice touch?
Snow: I thought so. Now, Mr. Bond, the whole world, even MI6, knows the broad strokes of my insidious plan. The Snow Job machines have been working, shall we say, too well. We will have a new Ice Age in weeks unless the great powers, and the UK, pay me a gazillion dollars to shut down the machines. Plus free tickets to see Taylor Swift, VIP of course.
Bond: You’ll never get away with this, Snow.
Snow: You forget my other demand of total amnesty from every government in the world.
Bond: So the whole thing was about money? And Taylor Swift tickets.
Snow: Not quite. Even when the great powers, and the UK, pay me I won’t shut down the Snow Job machine which is aimed at the UK.
Bond: What has Britain ever done to you, Dr Snow?
Snow: Where do I start? Warm beer, imperialism, bad teeth, saying "Oh, how interesting" when you'd rather die than listen another minute.
Bond: Oh, how interesting.
(Dr Snow's face turns ever so slightly red.)
Snow: But most of all it's the 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics!
Bond: Hang on, we didn't do that! I'm not even sure we won any medals.
Snow: That isn't the point. It's about King Charles!
Bond: I'm so sorry. What did he do this time?
Snow: He didn't invite me to his royal box for the female figure ice skating finals!
Bond: Now you're just being silly!
Snow: Not at all. Silly would be if we were brothers and I held the world at ransom because daddy loved you more.
Bond: You madman! You’ll burn in hail for this!
Snow: I think not, Mr Bond. Gnasher!
(Gnasher once again appears from nowhere, leaving Bond again wondering how so large a man could do this.)
Snow: Introduce Mr Bond to the ice slide.
Bond: Ice slide? What’s that?
Dr Snow: You’ll find out soon enough. Farewell, Mr Bond. I must go and see to the last of my Snow Job machines.
Bond: And where is that?
Dr Snow: Oh, it’s … Nice try, Mr Bond.
(Dr Snow heads off to the left, while Bond is forced by Gnasher out of a door to the right. They emerge at the top of a high, long ice slide. It would clearly be fatal for someone to –
Bond: Aaargh!
(Gnasher firmly shoves Bond down the slide. Bond tumbles head over heels then manages to sit up while still sliding rapidly downhill. Thinking quickly, he remembers the skates Coo had built into his boots. He clicks his heels together three times, as he had seen in a film a long time ago, and the blades appear.)
Bond: Right! Now to …
(He gets to his feet just in time to catch Randi, who heartless Ho had heavily hurled hard onto the ice slide after him.)
Randi: Oh! Sid!
(They kiss as they skate downhill.)
It's the last instalment of
Written by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Harry Canyon, Number24 Illustrations by Number24
Bond drives his car, Randi beside him.
Randi: Oh, Sid, what a big one you have.
Bond: I thought the extra space in the back might come in handy – in case we have to stop for the night.
Randi: I hope you’ve got extra strong suspension.
Bond: We’ll just have to find that out. How about now?
Randi: Maybe later – I think we’ve found our destination.
(Ahead can be seen an imposing mountain, with five giant heads carved upon it.)
Bond: Yes, here we are.
Randi: Mount Rushmore.
Bond: Looks different from the back. Want to rush and mount more?
Randi: Like I said, maybe later. We better park the car and have a look around.
Bond: I suppose so.
(They turn into the crowded car park and find a space before getting out.)
Randi: Where are you going, Sid? The queue is over here.
Bond: What kind of secret agent are you? We’d be hours waiting in that queue. Come on, let’s find the convenient break in the fence.
Randi: How do you know there’ll be a convenient break in the fence?
Bond: There’s always a convenient break in the fence, haven’t you seen any of my movies? Aha- here it is.
(They duck through the convenient break in the fence.)
Randi: Not bad, 00 Ohhh.
Bond: Let’s start climbing.
(They start climbing.)
Randi: I still can’t get used to seeing five faces on the mountain these days.
Bond: I know, who would have thought that a President would have ordered that his face be added ?
Randi: Almost everyone, I think. It took this long to finish it, of course.
Bond: You can hardly see it from this angle.
Randi: Good.
Bond: Let’s climb up … which one is this?
Randi: It’s hard to tell this close … ah, it’s Lincoln.
Bond: How can you tell?
Randi: I can see Cary Grant on his nose.
Bond: Look out!
(Gnasher has, to nobody’s surprise, suddenly appeared swinging on a rope dangling from a helicopter. He lunges at Bond who grabs on to his arm. The two swing back and forth.)
Randi: Hang on, Sid!
Bond: The thought had occurred to me!
(The helicopter begins to rise, causing the swings of the rope to get wider and higher. Bond risks letting go with one hand so the other can dive into his pocket and emerge with the pen that Coo had given him earlier. It shoots out a Spiderman style sticky gunge that slows down his speed to a stop, causing Gnasher to fly through the air while Bond attaches the pen to the rope. He leaps to safety, grabbing the nearest bit of protruding stone, while Gnasher lands on the top of the fifth President’s head.)
Randi: Look, the hair’s coming off – it’s not real!
Bond: That’s news?
(Gnasher slips off and falls screaming to his doom.)
Randi: Look- we can see what’s inside the fifth President’s head!
Bond: I think everyone already knows what’s inside his head. He hardly makes a secret of it.
Randi: No, it’s Dr Snow!
(And true enough, Dr Snow has been revealed working frantically at the controls of his final Snow Job machine which Bond knows is pointed straight at Britain.)
Snow: Curse you, Bond! But you’re too late, you can’t stop me now!
Bond: You think?
(The helicopter has come lower again as the pilot looks to see what is going on. Bond leaps onto one of the landing struts, throws himself into the cockpit and sends the pilot out to his death below. Quickly he points the chopper at Dr Snow then dives out, grateful for the parachute Coo had built into the hood of his parka.)
Dr Snow: If only you’d minded your own business!
(There is a huge explosion and Dr Snow and his wicked machine are totally destroyed. Bond floats to the ground into the welcoming arms of Randi.)
Bond: Well, you know what they say.
Randi: What’s that?
Bond: There’s no business like snow business.
I'd like to first say it's been a great experience to work with the other creators on this year's Christmas Special. As usual. It has taken some hours of woek, but it's very revarding work.
I know we all enjoy feedback from the rest of the forum. What did you like, and why? In what way is there room for improvement? Most importantly: did you like it? 😃
Yes, very good, a ho ho holiday treat for one n all 🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄
Thank you on behalf of the writing team! (Almost 😉) all feedback is welcome, especially the positive....
Very enjoyable - a great Christmas tradition! 😄😄😄
Thanks! We had a lot of fun writing it.
I just want to say that Randi Ness is a perfectly normal name. For example when Jens Stoltenberg was general secretary of NATO a Randi Ness worked at his staff. 🙂
...worked at his 'staff'?
Oh, you must excuse TwoFour, Mr Canyon. He is an admirable illustrator but double-entendre is not yet the national sport of Norway.
Barbel thinks double-entendres are twice as good.
I also want to say that the Christmas Special is science fact (as Cubby would've said). For example PST is really the name of Norwegian counter intelligence (we're all against it) and previously it was named POT.