(Written by Barbel and Number 24 - CoolHandBond denies all knowledge)
Buckingham Palace, London. The King is on the point of seeing someone out from the throne room.
The King: …. and remember to make it look like an accident, Mr Bond.
Voice: (Departing.) Of course, Your Majesty. Both of them?
The King: Yes, both.
(The King returns and sits beside The Queen.)
The Queen: Are you sure that was him?
The King: Oh, yes, definitely.
The Queen: (Suspiciously.) He didn’t look like that the last time we saw him.
The King: I know, but my dear mother told me not to worry about that sort of thing. She got used to it after about 1973.
The Queen: All right. Just wait here, Charles, I shall be back in a moment.
(The Queen exits through a small tastefully decorated door. The King sits on his throne to wait. Suddenly there is a terrible scream and she runs back in.)
The King: What is it, my love? Has Harry sneaked back in?
The Queen: (Gasping.) No… no… it’s gone!
The King: Gone? What has gone?
The Queen: My solid gold toilet roll – it has been stolen!!!
M: I want you to investigate a spate of robberies, 007.
Bond: Isn’t that for the police rather than us, sir?
M: Not at this level. These are all golden valuables. For example, a solid gold piano has been purloined from Elton John’s mansion in NIceand that's not nice, and someone has taken a golden toilet bowl belonging to Nigel Farage!
Bond: Oh dear. How will he produce his policies now?
M: We may never care, I mean, know. Tiger Woods has had his golden golf club stolen, a golden Christmas tree has vanished from Japan.
Bond: Europe, America, Asia. Why are no gold valuables stolen from Africa?
M: I think you'll find that all the African gold was taken back in the empire days and moved to the British Museum ....... (Coughs.) ... for safe keeping, you understand.
Bond: Oh, of course.
M: There’s one other thing, and it’s why I have called you in. At each robbery the thief has left a certain item, you might call it a calling card.
Bond: Oh?
(M hands over a small box, which Bond opens.)
Bond: It’s a finger.
M: It is indeed. Made of solid 24-carat gold.
Bond: So, it’s a … gold finger. Is it a middle finger?
M: Yes. It looks like he’s back.
Bond: But I saw him fall from a plane without a parachute!
M: And you’ve done that twice and you’re still with us. Now, I want you to investigate the latest of these gilded robberies. You’re going to America. Someone has stolen former President Biden’s golden Zimmer frame and left one of these gold fingers behind…
The residence of former President Joe Biden. Bond rings the doorbell which plays “Hail To The Chief” before two Secret Service men open the door.
1st Secret Service Man: Yeah? Whaddya want?
Bond: I have an appointment with President Biden. The name’s –
Voice From Within: Mr Bond, do come in.
(Former Vice President Kamala Harris comes to the door. The Secret Service men step aside, though remain watchful. Bond steps in.)
Harris: Mr Bond needs no introduction. Come with me.
Bond: Thank you, Madam Vice Pres-
Harris: Oh, don’t be so formal, James.
Harris: All right, Ka-
Kamala: Just call me “Veep”.
Bond: Er, Veep, yes of course.
(They enter a study lined with books. Former President Biden is seated behind a desk, a photograph of the White House behind him.)
Harris: Joe, a visitor for you.
Bond: Good morning, Mr President.
Biden: President? Is he here? (He looks around, startled.)
Harris: No, he isn’t here, thankfully.
Bond: I’m here to see you, President Biden.
Biden: Biden? Where is he? (He looks around again.)
Harris: James, it might be easier if you just ask me the questions.
Bond: (Nervously.) All right, er, Veep. I understand the Pres- the golden Zimmer frame has gone missing.
Harris: It has been stolen. Where it usually hangs we found this. (She displays one of the gold fingers.)
Bond: I see. May I take a look? … Yes, I see. We are familiar with these.
Harris: So you know who’s behind this?
Bond: Not as yet, but we are definitely getting closer.
Harris: I see. May I show you out, then?
Bond: Yes, of course. Thank you, ma’am, and thank you, Mr President.
Biden: President? Is he here?
Harris: I’ll explain later, Joe.
Bond: But I thought the US has a person or a team that can do the type of missions that the 00-section does?
Harris: We used to, but now I'm afraid it's impossible.
Biden: The leader of the team ....... what's his name? Tom ..... No, Nathan ..... something? I can't remember his name.
Harris: Nobody can, Joe. But for a long time Tom ... I mean Nathan or Ethan seemed to age like a fine vampire, but earlier this year he retired so the rest of the team quit too. It's a bit like your Brexit - England wanted to leave, so Scotland and Northern Ireland had to leave too. It doesn't help that the IMF spent too much money this year.
Biden: What? The International Monetary Fund does special ops! Assassinations and other stuff ......
Harris: Not as a rule, no. But if the International Monetary Fund is behind that sort of thing it would explain James' lifestyle.
Bond: I can neither confirm nor deny. But I suspect your team has been sent on more missions than I have in the last 20 years or so.
Harris: I think so too. But today the fate of the gold of the rich and famous is in your hands, 007.
Paris. James Bond is knocking on the door of Siri's apartment.
Siri: Who is it?
Bond: Bond, James Bond. We have an appointment?
Siri: Yes. Come in, I'll be with you in a minute ...
(Bond enters. The apartment looks like a showroom for Scandinavian design: simple, stylish and probably delivered flat-packed. Like all rooms in Paris the window offers a nice view of the Eiffel Tower. Siri enters from the bathroom. Bond doesn't really notice what she’s wearing, but she is even more stunning in person than in the fashion photos Bond had studied (purely for research purposes, you understand). She is definitely not flat-packed. Siri smiles and extends her hand for a handshake. After a short moment Bond realizes it's probably best to shake her hand and close his mouth.)
Siri: Nice to meet you. I'm Siri Blixen.
Bond: My name is .......................................... uh ..... Bond ........ James Bond.
(Bond tries to come up with a quip, but none comes to mind that won't get him arrested. Or worse, go viral under the hashtag #MeToo)
Siri: So, I understand you're here from the British Secret Service because of a threat to my bra?
Bond: Yes, your bra has garnered a lot of attention in certain circles. I understand it's worth a shedload of money?
Siri: (Holds her pinky up to her lip.) One meeellion dollars!
Bond: Oh, behave! Tell me, where do you keep this gold bra?
Siri: I keep it on me at all times to keep it safe. (She opens the trenchcoat that Bond has just noticed.)
Bond: An impressive figure ...... and the bra is very stunning too.
Siri: Thank you. The designer wanted to give it to a supermodel for a long-term loan. I don't know why he chose me, but I'm glad he did.
Bond: Yes, er, it's a mystery. Of course, you understand I have been ordered to never let the bra out of my sight.
(There's a knock on the door. Siri opens the door to a messenger.)
Messenger: (Hands her a package while his mouth hangs open.) This cleavage, I mean package just arrived from Sweden.
Siri: (Jumps with joy.) It must be the surströmming my mother promised to send me! (She unpacks some small cans of food.)
Bond: Surstro … sur ..... what's that, Siri?
Siri: Surströmming is a Swedish national dish. It's lightly salted fermented Baltic Sea herring. To make surströmming they just salt the herring lightly to prevent the raw herring from rotting while allowing it to ferment for six months.
Bond: (Taking a few discreet steps back from the cans on the table.) Six months you say?
Siri: (Delighted.) At least! That's why it tastes so great. I can't wait, I'll just open the first can here and now!
(She opens the tap in the kitchen and fills the sink.)
Bond: But .... six months?
Siri: The fermentation process gives the fish its characteristic smell and somewhat acidic taste. That's why we open it like this .....
(She grabs one of the cans, holds it under water and pulls the ring to open the lid. A strong hiss and some bubbles comes from the can.)
Siri: We always hold it under water when we open it because of the lively aroma you get from the can at first.
Bond: What do you do with it?
Siri: You eat it.
Bond: (Mumbles behind the handkerchief he's holding in front of his face.) How revolting.
(Siri offers Bond some surströmming, but he respectfully declines. She starts eating.)
Siri: Let's talk more about my bra. Is MI6 sure my bra is the next target of the thief?
Bond: No, but the bra jumped out at me. However, I should try to protect other gold objects too.
Siri: I just finished the Victoria's Secret Show and the Milan Fashion Week doesn't start until early January. Why don't I go with you?
Bond: Great idea! The question is where the gold thief will strike next. Do you have any ideas, Siri?
Siri: (Thinks for 3-5 seconds.) There are many. Most of the current and former monarchies in Europe and elsewhere have crown jewels that are very valuable. There is also the golden Buddha, or Wat Traimit, in Bangkok, Thailand. Or the largest nugget in existence, the Golden Nugget on display in the Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas and....
Bond: Thank you, Siri. I think Las Vegas sounds the most promising. Let's go there first.
Las Vegas. James Bond and Siri Blixen have landed and are making their way through Harry Reid International Airport.
Bond: So, here we are in Las Vegas. What do you think, Siri?
Siri: Las Vegas is a city in Nevada well-known for being the gambling centre of the United States of –
Bond: All right, all right. Tell me something I don’t know.
Siri: Ian Fleming’s Las Vegas novel “Diamonds Are Forever” was published in 1956 and takes place –
Bond: Enough, Siri! (Mutters.) I know how long ago it was. Taxi!
(Later, In their hotel room.)
Bond: The Strip ..... what a well-named main street for Las Vegas. Say, why don't we relax a little? We're in Vegas after all, why don't we order some champagne?
Siri: Great idea! But only one glass, mind you. After all we're working.
Bond: Being a secret agent isn't all it's been cracked up to be. The job reqrer .... re … requires a lot of travel. I can't remember the last time I was home for Christmas.
Siri: It's the same for us schupermodels. Lots of traveling.
Bond: And all the assashinating … ashash… killing! Killing people isn't always as much fun as you might think.
Siri: I haven't killed anyone yet, but I remember Mish (Hic!) Universe. I may have given Miss Venezuela and Miss France some laxatives .....
Bond: I bet you gave them a run for their money.
Siri: This gold bra lo ..... looksh great, but ...
Bond: Yesh ..... (Hic!) Shplendid!
Siri: But its shoo improb ..... impractical. Heavy and cold and ....
Bond: Why don't I help you get off .... help you get it off?
Siri: You're my besht friend, Jamesh ....... hey, hash anyone told you ..... you shound like Sean Connery?
Bond: Who’sh that? (He kishes, er, kisses her on the neck.)
Siri: YES! OH YES! YESSS! Maybe .... YESSSSS!
Bond: I AGREE!!!!!
(The next morning .... or rather noon.)
Siri: (Groaning.) Why can't the cars stop that infernal driving ....
Bond: Ahhh .... the hellish ping sound from the lift. I'll shoot the bloody thing ..... with a silencer.
(After another hour of more heroic suffering.)
Bond: I have to get dressed now, Siri.
Siri: Me too.
Bond: Oh, please don’t, not on my account.
Siri: Now, where did I put my ….?
(A slow and tortuous search all around the room follows.)
Siri: I CAN'T FIND MY BRA!
Bond and Siri: (In pain.) Ahhhh!!
Bond: Easy. You don't really need one. They're very firm.
Siri: No ... I mean yes, but I can't find the GOLD bra!
Bond: Ahhh .... keep it quiet .... the one million dollar bra!
Siri: The very same. I clearly remember ........ I remember taking it off last night and putting it on the table.
Bond: I remember too. I tend to notice little things like that – whether a girl is topless or wearing a gold bra.
Siri: It's stolen!!!!
Bond & Siri: (Holding their ears.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
Las Vegas. James Bond and Siri Blixen arrive at the Golden Nugget Casino, all shining lights and glamour.
Siri: Wow, this is very impressive.
Bond: Let’s get inside.
(They have to pass a beggar outside the main door.)
Beggar: Ya gotta dollar for a cup of coffee, buddy?
Siri: A dollar for a cup of coffee would be an unusually low price. Here in Las Vegas the average price would be –
Beggar: Okay, okay.
(He gets up and walks away.)
Bond: Siri, really, you must try and rein yourself in.
Siri: That is not what you said last night, James.
Bond: Ah … er … (He speaks to an attendant.) Excuse me, could you tell me where to find the manager, please?
(In the manager’s office. He is wearing a loud checked suit and smoking a cigar slightly shorter than a didgeredoo.)
Manager: Hello, Miss Blixen and Mr Bond, My name is Hiram P. Schnatzenburger the Third, Welcome back, Miss Blixen. I can set up with a large credit for you if you'd like to play at one of the tables.
Siri: Thank you. With a lot of luck at the poker table maybe I can buy myself a new bra to replace the one I just lost.
Bond: In my experience women don't gain new bras in poker. Rather the opposite in fact.
Manager: I am told that you would like to see me. How can I help you?
Bond: We have been sent to investigate the theft of your Golden Nugget.
Manager: (Looking around.) What? We have had no such theft! What makes you say such a thing?
Siri: We know that you reported this theft to the local police department. They reported it to the FBI, and they contacted the CIA, who informed Interpol, who asked that the –
Manager: Okay, okay, I get it. Yes, our famous Golden Nugget has been stolen. We are attempting to keep this very quiet because otherwise we would have to change the name of the casino and that would not be desirable.
Bond: Well, as I understand it the thief or thieves left a golden finger behind so perhaps you could make that your name.
Manager: The “Gold Finger”? Mr Bond, many of our suckers – er, customers would think we were giving them the finger if we did that!
Bond: Just a suggestion. Can we see where the theft took place?
Manager: Of course.
(Hiram P. Schnatzenburger leads Siri and Bond to a cordoned-off room.)
Manager: Here you are, gentleman and madam- look there!
Siri: But… but there’s nothing there!
Manager: Exactly. That is where the original Golden Nugget has sat undisturbed since 1849. Only now has it been moved.
Bond: 1849?
Manager: You don’t know the history, Mr Bond? How about you, Siri? Tell us the history of the Golden Nugget.
(Bond groans but is too late to stop Siri from launching into another fact dump.)
Siri: The Golden Nugget was found in the Klondyke in 1849. It was discovered by an Australian digger called Rupert Murdoch who sold it to his partner. Murdoch used the money to begin a magazine “California Babes” which earned him enough money to start a newspaper –
Manager: All right, all right, thank you. The partner, Jeremiah B. Succotash, opened a small gambling saloon which has grown into the great casino you see before you. The Golden Nugget has always been its symbol and has been kept here under high security. Many attempts have been made to steal it over the years, and only now has one succeeded. It has gone, and this has been left in its place.
Siri: It’s a gold finger. (She strokes it.) Such a cold finger.
Manager: I sure hope you people are able to get the Nugget back for us.
Bond: That is certainly our intention. Come on, Siri, let’s go.
Oslo, Norway. Not Sweden as many seem to believe. Bond and Siri are walking down Karl Johan, the city's main street. The snow has brought out shoppers in droves to the Christmas-decorated shops.
Siri: What a lovely Christmas tree in front of the royal castle!
Bond: Yes, it was clearly much too nice for them to send it to Trafalgar Square in London. Siri, when is the Nobel Prize ceremony?
Siri: Tomorrow, on the tenth of December.
Bond: If they're planning to steal the medal they need to move fast. I wonder where a thief would strike?
Siri: The ceremony will be in the town hall, though during and after the ceremony the security is tight. But until then the medal is kept in the vaults of the medieval Akershus castle, (Her teeth grit as she says the next part.) along with all their winter sports gold medals.
Bond: I don't remember who won this year. I only know who didn't win.
Siri: But at least he took the bad news with so much grace and dignity ......
Bond: Anyway. I didn't know Norway had medieval castles. Let's go have a look, it's probably a cabin with rather solid walls ....
Siri: Nice cabin, but the downside is the armed Royal Guardsmen in fetching uniforms standing around. Can’t you just bump one of them off so we can get inside the vault?
Bond: Honestly, Siri. Who do you think I am?
Siri: Commander James Bond - date of birth is unclear, it has changed several times. Recruited to the British Secret Service from the Royal Navy. Licenced to kill and has done so for a number of reasons, some indiscriminate and others fairly solid. Proficient gambler, though lost a large sum of government money on one mission, but that’s the vagaries of gambling. Many lady friends, but married only once. The impact of this lifestyle on his medical record is limited to ...
Bond: All right, you’ve made your point.
Siri: You’re sensitive, Mr. Bond. Is it a sore point?
Bond: Not since I saw the doctor, no. (Happily changing the subject.) Now, I see guards dressed in civilian clothes too. But why are they shivering in black suits and darkened sunglasses while they're holding a finger in their ear?
Siri: Not to mention the fact that they're speaking English in a loud voice and with an American accent?
(One of the Americans walks over to the nearest Norwegian guardsman and karate-chops him on the back of his head. He then puts his finger in his ear again and whispers very loudly. The other men in impractical clothes for the temperature disappear into the gate the soldier was guarding.)
Bond: Curiouser and curiouser. Let's follow them.
(They follow some old stone steps down to the vault. Bond draws his Walther PPK while Siri walks quickly past long rows of glass display cabinets. She looks straight ahead and has a haughty look on her stunning face. Bond looks at the first cabinets and sees a number of gold medals in various ski-related events. The men in black have left all the Norwegian Winter Olympic and world championship gold medals alone and continued into a second vault. Siri is waiting for him in front of the entrance to the next vault. They hear crashing sounds.)
Siri: (In an icy voice.) Never ever mention this to me!
Bond: Sore point, Siri? Isn't there a similar collection of this size in Stockholm?
(Bond notes that Siri is getting very good at the icy stare and decides to do something less dangerous. He runs through the doorway with his pistol ready.)
Bond: Freeze!
1st Man In Black: We already are freezing .....
(In the middle of the room is a single display cabinet with broken glass. The Nobel Peace Prize medal is still there.)
Bond: Get your hands up. Finally we've caught you. Why are you stealing gold trinkets in Las Vegas, Washington DC and Japan?
2nd Man In Black: What are you talking about? This is the first time in our lives we've stolen anything and we've never been in those places.
1st Man In Black: Well. we've been in D.C. a lot. We are from the US Secret Service, you understand.
2nd Man In Black: Oh yeah, that’s right.
Bond: (Raising eyebrow at the ceiling.) Really? Siri, check their badges and passports.
Men In Black: (In unison.) Siri Blixen!
Bond: Keep your hands up! No, just your hands!
Siri: Also close your mouths and stop drooling!
(She gathers the staring men's IDs.)
Siri: The Secret Service badges look legit. You guys should be ashamed of yourselves! But their passports have no recent stamps from Japan.
Bond: Looks like they're telling the truth. But why is the Secret Service stealing the Peace Prize?
1st Man In Black: POTUS ordered us to bring it home.
Siri: Say again?
3rd Man In Black: President Trump said it was only fair because the Peace Prize should be his anyway. He said he's stopped 9-12 YUGE wars single-handedly.
Bond: (Looks at Siri.) Sounds believable ....
Siri. Sadly, yes. (Turns to the exit and shouts at the top of her lungs.)Hjälp! De stjäler er jävla guldmedaljer! (Help! They're stealing your bloody gold medals!)
(Bond quickly shoulders his pistol and heads for the door. Siri also walks toward the door while she smashes as many glass displays as she can. She stops the vandalism against the hated Norwegian gold medals as soon as the Royal Guardsmen come running with their rifles ready.)
Siri: (Under her breath.) Nordbaggar! *
*Swedish derogatory term for the glorious Norwegian people.
(Bond and Siri stop in their tracks just as they are about to exit through the gate to the castle yard. Seven men wearing white clothes and ski masks are aiming at them with modern crossbows.)
Crossbowman 1: Go back to the Nobel gold medal. Don't try anything!
Bond: The Nobel Peace Prize is more popular than ever this year.
(Back in the vault the Royal Guard and the Secret Service are re-enacting the scene between the Secret Service, 007 and the supermodel minutes before.)
Henchman: Freeze!
First Man In Black: I keep telling people we already are freezing ....
Henchman 2: Everybody drop your weapons right now!
Third Crossbowman: (Aiming his crossbow at Bond.) That includes you.
(Bond, The Secret Service and the Guardsmen all reluctantly drop their guns.)
Henchman 1: A farewell to arms. I think we've deserved the Peace Prize now. (Starts walking towards the glass display case.)
(For once in her life all eyes aren't on Siri. She takes a can of surstrømming from her purse and grabs the ring on the lid that opens the can.)
Siri: Stop. This is a can of surstrømming and I'm willing to use it!
(The guardsmen turn pale and run out to get their gas masks. Bond is holding his nose.)
Secret Service: What is it?
Bond: Some sort of Scandinavian "delicacy".
(The Secret Service too hold their noses. The henchmen realise they can't aim their crossbows and hold their noses at the same time.)
Siri: Swedish delicacy!
(The Secret Service men look nervously at each other.)
Third Man In Black: This looks as bad as the time Biden farted in the situation room.
First Man In Black: Worse!
(All the Secret Service men run for the exit while shouting:) CODE 24! CODE 24!
(Siri stands in front of the glass display case, looking fierce and stunning.)
Bond: (Picks his Walther PPK up from the floor.) Peace talks have broken down, I see. Time to re-arm.
Henchman 1: (Nervously.) If you open that can, the stench will hit you first.
Siri: Then I'll die like a Swede. What about you?
Henchman 1: No-one told us we'd be facing a Swedish supermodel suicide chemical bomber. We're pulling out. (They slowly back out of the room.)
Bond: Congratulations, Siri. You saved us both and the Nobel peace prize! Now slowly put that can back into your purse ......
Siri: Thanks, but this is no time to be beating off into the bush. Where do we go next?
Nice, France. It’s nice in Nice. James Bond and Siri Blixen walk up the driveway towards a huge mansion. The trees are decorated for Christmas. These are real Christmas fir trees, transported down from Lapland, and decorated with glistening ornaments which may or may not be real gold and silver encrusted with diamonds. Come to think of it, they probably are.
The door has pillars either side with cherubic angels carved into them, dressed in pink and blue and blowing kisses. A chandelier hangs above, which tinkles “Candle In The Wind” loudly when the bell is pressed.
Bond: It’s good to see that success hasn’t spoiled him.
(A butler dressed in the style of Louis XV lets them in and leads them to a vast chamber where Sir Elton John awaits them, wearing six-inch platform heels and platinum glasses which blink in an alternating blue and orange pattern when he speaks. His hair is light brown and wavy, and would look terrific on a young man of twenty-four or twenty-five. Sir Elton is seventy-eight.)
Bond: Sir Elton, thank you for seeing us.
Elton: Yes, well, there are times when we all need to share a little pain.
Siri: I understand you seem to have lost a golden piano.
Elton: It’s a little bit funny. It was right there one night then in the morning it had gone.
Bond: Do you think it could have been one of the staff?
Elton: What, you mean Daniel, Little Jeannie, Guy, Nikita? (He shakes his head, causing the glasses to flash green and red.)
Beckham Castle, near Windsor. Sir David Beckham sits in the main chamber, surrounded by paintings of his greatest goals and framed headlines from the newspapers, happily polishing his Golden Balls. There is an unearthly screech from the next chamber.
Sir Becks: Flippin’ heck! (This is a family site.)
(The screech continues. He gets up and opens the door to the next chamber.)
Sir Becks: Oy! Stop that!
Lady Posh: Stop what, David my dearest love?
Sir Becks: Stop that Godawful noise!
Lady Posh: Godawful noise? But David, the other Girls and I have to rehearse for our “Definitely The Last Spice Girls Tour, No Comebacks Two Years Later, Honest We Promise” Tour.
Sir Becks: Just will you hold it down a bit in there, I’m trying to polish my Golden … Golden … Aargh!
Lady Posh: What is it, David heart of my heart?
Sir Becks: My 32 Golden Balls – they’ve gone!!!!
Chapter 9
(Outside Beckham Castle, a figure runs into a gas-guzzling limousine and then heads away. Unbeknownst to all except those wonderful people who are reading, a beautiful 1964 Aston Martin DB5 starts up and follows.)
Siri: You were quite right, James, the thief did go to the Beckhams next. How did you guess that?
Bond: I guessed that’s what they’d want, what they’d really, really want.
Siri: But it looks like whoever it is won’t be going very far. They’re turning in to that place ahead.
Bond: It’s Royal Lodge.
Siri: Royal Lodge was the official residence of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor when he was Prince Andrew and his ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, when she was the Duchess of York. Previously it was –
Bond: All right, all right, Siri. Let’s park the car and go in.
(Inside they find a figure wearing a Gert Frobe mask adding the Golden Balls to a large haul of golden loots, such as the Golden Nugget from Las Vegas and Sir Elton John’s golden piano. The figure freezes and Siri turns up the lights. Bond aims his Walther PPK as he marches up to the thief.)
Bond: Now, let's see who you really are!
(He rips off the mask to reveal....)
Bond: Rachel Reeves!
Siri: Rachel Reeves is the Chancellor of the Exchequer for the United Kingdom. Her tenure has been marked by controversy and a need to cover a vast gap in the finances she has the responsibility of.
Reeves: You appear to have done your homework, Miss Blixen.
Siri: Unlike you then, Miss Reeves.
Bond: But why? Why would you be stealing all these precious gold objects?
Reeves: Don't you read the newspapers, Mr Bond? Don't you watch television?
Bond: Not if I can possibly avoid it.
Reeves: I have a £50 billion black hole in my budget. I have to cover that somehow! And I’d have gotten away with it too, if not for you pesky MI6 agents!
Siri: The market value of the gold you have here is considerably less than that required to fill a £50 billion black hole, Miss Reeves.
Reeves: Who said anything about selling it?
Bond: You have stolen huge amounts of gold but don’t intend to sell it…?
Reeves: Go on, Mr Bond.
Bond: But of course! You are going to irradiate this pile of gold, making it unusable for … 57 years.
Reeves: 58 years to be exact.
Bond: Thus making your gold in the Bank of England increase in value by … £50 billion!!!!
(Reeves smiles happily.)
Bond: I apologize, Miss Reeves, it’s an inspired deal! And the idea is almost completely original. But how do you radiate the gold? Did you buy some Soviet plutonium on the black market back in the 90s? Or import some cars labelled “Atomic”?
Reeves: No. It was an honest mistake. I signed off for buying loads of radio sets to support wheelchair-bound lesbians in a government drive to help them become more active as radio amateurs. Turns out what I really bought was used radioactive machinery. It cost ten million pounds of taxpayer money - quite cheap when you think about it ....
Bond: Well, your admittedly well-planned dream is over, Goldf- I mean, Reeves. You’re going to give all of that gold back to its rightful owners.
Reeves: But Mr Bond, don’t you see? This means that I won’t have to raise taxes and cut services! I have robbed from the rich to give to the poor!
Siri: Yes, but … but ….
Reeves: But what?
Bond: But nothing. I believe that our making you put these golden trinkets back into the hands of people who can easily afford to buy more isn’t the best possible solution.
Reeves: It is Christmas, after all.
Chapter 10
(Outside, James and Siri get back into the Aston Martin.)
Bond: Oh, no!
Siri: (Worried.) What is it? Did we forget anything important?
Bond: Not we - I did. I just realized I've been a one-woman man throughout the whole mission! I remember it almost happened to me back in 1987, but luckily I met a bored woman on a yacht. It's still rather depressing. I need to rectify it and find a secondary love interest immediately. (Realizing he's talking out loud.) No offence, I hope?
Siri: (Smiles an R-rated smile.) It depends ...... can I join?
Bond: (Smiles.) Swede dreams are made of this ...
Siri: A European liberal lifestyle has its upsides.
Bond: Sign me up to re-join at once! To show my gratitude I have a Christmas present for you.
(He hands her a wrapped package from under his jacket.)
Siri: How nice! But we haven't been in a boutique for ages?
(She opens the package with childlike glee.)
Bond: Oh, look. It's starting to snow!
(Siri doesn't look at the falling snow. She's staring at the present instead.)
Siri: (Gasps.) A new golden bra ..... and a gold thong ..... it's a gold bikini! (She jumps into the grateful arms of Bond.) Thank you!
Bond: I thought you deserve to own one of your own.
Siri: Perfect! I'll try it on at once.
(She changes clothes in the speed of a professional supermodel.)
Siri: It's tailored! How did you know?
Bond: I have a friend from up north who knows everything about girls like you.
Siri: Oh James, skweeze me, pleeze me.
Bond & Siri: (Smiling directly to the readers.) Merry Christmas!
(They kiss as a sleigh pulled by nine reindeer flies away in the background.)
If you've ever wondered, our Christmas Specials are highly realistic or "Christmas fact" as Cubby would've said it. For example the Swedish delicacy Surstrømning. Here is a can of it. Please note how it's bulging because of the fermentation process:
One of my nephews lives close to the border to Sweden. He just told me someone once opened a can of surstrømming in school. The school was evacuated and everyone was sent home for the rest of the day. 😂
Barbel
ScotlandPosts: 41,829Chief of Staff
Comments
(Written by Barbel and Number 24 - CoolHandBond denies all knowledge)
Buckingham Palace, London. The King is on the point of seeing someone out from the throne room.
The King: …. and remember to make it look like an accident, Mr Bond.
Voice: (Departing.) Of course, Your Majesty. Both of them?
The King: Yes, both.
(The King returns and sits beside The Queen.)
The Queen: Are you sure that was him?
The King: Oh, yes, definitely.
The Queen: (Suspiciously.) He didn’t look like that the last time we saw him.
The King: I know, but my dear mother told me not to worry about that sort of thing. She got used to it after about 1973.
The Queen: All right. Just wait here, Charles, I shall be back in a moment.
(The Queen exits through a small tastefully decorated door. The King sits on his throne to wait. Suddenly there is a terrible scream and she runs back in.)
The King: What is it, my love? Has Harry sneaked back in?
The Queen: (Gasping.) No… no… it’s gone!
The King: Gone? What has gone?
The Queen: My solid gold toilet roll – it has been stolen!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sung by whoever is the most famous female Scandinavian pop star this year)
Who’s that landing on our roof
As the snow begins to fall?
Does he ride a reindeer sleigh
Give presents to us all?
Does he have a jolly beard
A belly big and round?
Does he dress all in red
And make a happy sound?
Is it Santa?
No!
He stole my toys, stole them all away
He pushed them all up the chimney, took them on his sleigh
Is it Santa?
No!
He grabbed my golden bra away, snatched it from my chest
I know he can’t be Santa now, cos Santa is the best
To be continued .....
Chapter 1
M’s Office. James Bond has been sent for.
M: I want you to investigate a spate of robberies, 007.
Bond: Isn’t that for the police rather than us, sir?
M: Not at this level. These are all golden valuables. For example, a solid gold piano has been purloined from Elton John’s mansion in NIce and that's not nice, and someone has taken a golden toilet bowl belonging to Nigel Farage!
Bond: Oh dear. How will he produce his policies now?
M: We may never care, I mean, know. Tiger Woods has had his golden golf club stolen, a golden Christmas tree has vanished from Japan.
Bond: Europe, America, Asia. Why are no gold valuables stolen from Africa?
M: I think you'll find that all the African gold was taken back in the empire days and moved to the British Museum ....... (Coughs.) ... for safe keeping, you understand.
Bond: Oh, of course.
M: There’s one other thing, and it’s why I have called you in. At each robbery the thief has left a certain item, you might call it a calling card.
Bond: Oh?
(M hands over a small box, which Bond opens.)
Bond: It’s a finger.
M: It is indeed. Made of solid 24-carat gold.
Bond: So, it’s a … gold finger. Is it a middle finger?
M: Yes. It looks like he’s back.
Bond: But I saw him fall from a plane without a parachute!
M: And you’ve done that twice and you’re still with us. Now, I want you to investigate the latest of these gilded robberies. You’re going to America. Someone has stolen former President Biden’s golden Zimmer frame and left one of these gold fingers behind…
To Be Continued.....
Scene Two
The residence of former President Joe Biden. Bond rings the doorbell which plays “Hail To The Chief” before two Secret Service men open the door.
1st Secret Service Man: Yeah? Whaddya want?
Bond: I have an appointment with President Biden. The name’s –
Voice From Within: Mr Bond, do come in.
(Former Vice President Kamala Harris comes to the door. The Secret Service men step aside, though remain watchful. Bond steps in.)
Harris: Mr Bond needs no introduction. Come with me.
Bond: Thank you, Madam Vice Pres-
Harris: Oh, don’t be so formal, James.
Harris: All right, Ka-
Kamala: Just call me “Veep”.
Bond: Er, Veep, yes of course.
(They enter a study lined with books. Former President Biden is seated behind a desk, a photograph of the White House behind him.)
Harris: Joe, a visitor for you.
Bond: Good morning, Mr President.
Biden: President? Is he here? (He looks around, startled.)
Harris: No, he isn’t here, thankfully.
Bond: I’m here to see you, President Biden.
Biden: Biden? Where is he? (He looks around again.)
Harris: James, it might be easier if you just ask me the questions.
Bond: (Nervously.) All right, er, Veep. I understand the Pres- the golden Zimmer frame has gone missing.
Harris: It has been stolen. Where it usually hangs we found this. (She displays one of the gold fingers.)
Bond: I see. May I take a look? … Yes, I see. We are familiar with these.
Harris: So you know who’s behind this?
Bond: Not as yet, but we are definitely getting closer.
Harris: I see. May I show you out, then?
Bond: Yes, of course. Thank you, ma’am, and thank you, Mr President.
Biden: President? Is he here?
Harris: I’ll explain later, Joe.
Bond: But I thought the US has a person or a team that can do the type of missions that the 00-section does?
Harris: We used to, but now I'm afraid it's impossible.
Biden: The leader of the team ....... what's his name? Tom ..... No, Nathan ..... something? I can't remember his name.
Harris: Nobody can, Joe. But for a long time Tom ... I mean Nathan or Ethan seemed to age like a fine vampire, but earlier this year he retired so the rest of the team quit too. It's a bit like your Brexit - England wanted to leave, so Scotland and Northern Ireland had to leave too. It doesn't help that the IMF spent too much money this year.
Biden: What? The International Monetary Fund does special ops! Assassinations and other stuff ......
Harris: Not as a rule, no. But if the International Monetary Fund is behind that sort of thing it would explain James' lifestyle.
Bond: I can neither confirm nor deny. But I suspect your team has been sent on more missions than I have in the last 20 years or so.
Harris: I think so too. But today the fate of the gold of the rich and famous is in your hands, 007.
To Be Continued ...
Chapter 3
Paris. James Bond is knocking on the door of Siri's apartment.
Siri: Who is it?
Bond: Bond, James Bond. We have an appointment?
Siri: Yes. Come in, I'll be with you in a minute ...
(Bond enters. The apartment looks like a showroom for Scandinavian design: simple, stylish and probably delivered flat-packed. Like all rooms in Paris the window offers a nice view of the Eiffel Tower. Siri enters from the bathroom. Bond doesn't really notice what she’s wearing, but she is even more stunning in person than in the fashion photos Bond had studied (purely for research purposes, you understand). She is definitely not flat-packed. Siri smiles and extends her hand for a handshake. After a short moment Bond realizes it's probably best to shake her hand and close his mouth.)
Siri: Nice to meet you. I'm Siri Blixen.
Bond: My name is .......................................... uh ..... Bond ........ James Bond.
(Bond tries to come up with a quip, but none comes to mind that won't get him arrested. Or worse, go viral under the hashtag #MeToo)
Siri: So, I understand you're here from the British Secret Service because of a threat to my bra?
Bond: Yes, your bra has garnered a lot of attention in certain circles. I understand it's worth a shedload of money?
Siri: (Holds her pinky up to her lip.) One meeellion dollars!
Bond: Oh, behave! Tell me, where do you keep this gold bra?
Siri: I keep it on me at all times to keep it safe. (She opens the trenchcoat that Bond has just noticed.)
Bond: An impressive figure ...... and the bra is very stunning too.
Siri: Thank you. The designer wanted to give it to a supermodel for a long-term loan. I don't know why he chose me, but I'm glad he did.
Bond: Yes, er, it's a mystery. Of course, you understand I have been ordered to never let the bra out of my sight.
(There's a knock on the door. Siri opens the door to a messenger.)
Messenger: (Hands her a package while his mouth hangs open.) This cleavage, I mean package just arrived from Sweden.
Siri: (Jumps with joy.) It must be the surströmming my mother promised to send me! (She unpacks some small cans of food.)
Bond: Surstro … sur ..... what's that, Siri?
Siri: Surströmming is a Swedish national dish. It's lightly salted fermented Baltic Sea herring. To make surströmming they just salt the herring lightly to prevent the raw herring from rotting while allowing it to ferment for six months.
Bond: (Taking a few discreet steps back from the cans on the table.) Six months you say?
Siri: (Delighted.) At least! That's why it tastes so great. I can't wait, I'll just open the first can here and now!
(She opens the tap in the kitchen and fills the sink.)
Bond: But .... six months?
Siri: The fermentation process gives the fish its characteristic smell and somewhat acidic taste. That's why we open it like this .....
(She grabs one of the cans, holds it under water and pulls the ring to open the lid. A strong hiss and some bubbles comes from the can.)
Siri: We always hold it under water when we open it because of the lively aroma you get from the can at first.
Bond: What do you do with it?
Siri: You eat it.
Bond: (Mumbles behind the handkerchief he's holding in front of his face.) How revolting.
(Siri offers Bond some surströmming, but he respectfully declines. She starts eating.)
Siri: Let's talk more about my bra. Is MI6 sure my bra is the next target of the thief?
Bond: No, but the bra jumped out at me. However, I should try to protect other gold objects too.
Siri: I just finished the Victoria's Secret Show and the Milan Fashion Week doesn't start until early January. Why don't I go with you?
Bond: Great idea! The question is where the gold thief will strike next. Do you have any ideas, Siri?
Siri: (Thinks for 3-5 seconds.) There are many. Most of the current and former monarchies in Europe and elsewhere have crown jewels that are very valuable. There is also the golden Buddha, or Wat Traimit, in Bangkok, Thailand. Or the largest nugget in existence, the Golden Nugget on display in the Golden Nugget Casino in Las Vegas and....
Bond: Thank you, Siri. I think Las Vegas sounds the most promising. Let's go there first.
To be continued Wednesday 17 December
Chapter 4
Las Vegas. James Bond and Siri Blixen have landed and are making their way through Harry Reid International Airport.
Bond: So, here we are in Las Vegas. What do you think, Siri?
Siri: Las Vegas is a city in Nevada well-known for being the gambling centre of the United States of –
Bond: All right, all right. Tell me something I don’t know.
Siri: Ian Fleming’s Las Vegas novel “Diamonds Are Forever” was published in 1956 and takes place –
Bond: Enough, Siri! (Mutters.) I know how long ago it was. Taxi!
(Later, In their hotel room.)
Bond: The Strip ..... what a well-named main street for Las Vegas. Say, why don't we relax a little? We're in Vegas after all, why don't we order some champagne?
Siri: Great idea! But only one glass, mind you. After all we're working.
Bond: Being a secret agent isn't all it's been cracked up to be. The job reqrer .... re … requires a lot of travel. I can't remember the last time I was home for Christmas.
Siri: It's the same for us schupermodels. Lots of traveling.
Bond: And all the assashinating … ashash… killing! Killing people isn't always as much fun as you might think.
Siri: I haven't killed anyone yet, but I remember Mish (Hic!) Universe. I may have given Miss Venezuela and Miss France some laxatives .....
Bond: I bet you gave them a run for their money.
Siri: This gold bra lo ..... looksh great, but ...
Bond: Yesh ..... (Hic!) Shplendid!
Siri: But its shoo improb ..... impractical. Heavy and cold and ....
Bond: Why don't I help you get off .... help you get it off?
Siri: You're my besht friend, Jamesh ....... hey, hash anyone told you ..... you shound like Sean Connery?
Bond: Who’sh that? (He kishes, er, kisses her on the neck.)
Siri: YES! OH YES! YESSS! Maybe .... YESSSSS!
Bond: I AGREE!!!!!
(The next morning .... or rather noon.)
Siri: (Groaning.) Why can't the cars stop that infernal driving ....
Bond: Ahhh .... the hellish ping sound from the lift. I'll shoot the bloody thing ..... with a silencer.
(After another hour of more heroic suffering.)
Bond: I have to get dressed now, Siri.
Siri: Me too.
Bond: Oh, please don’t, not on my account.
Siri: Now, where did I put my ….?
(A slow and tortuous search all around the room follows.)
Siri: I CAN'T FIND MY BRA!
Bond and Siri: (In pain.) Ahhhh!!
Bond: Easy. You don't really need one. They're very firm.
Siri: No ... I mean yes, but I can't find the GOLD bra!
Bond: Ahhh .... keep it quiet .... the one million dollar bra!
Siri: The very same. I clearly remember ........ I remember taking it off last night and putting it on the table.
Bond: I remember too. I tend to notice little things like that – whether a girl is topless or wearing a gold bra.
Siri: It's stolen!!!!
Bond & Siri: (Holding their ears.) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
To Be Continued....
Chapter 5
Las Vegas. James Bond and Siri Blixen arrive at the Golden Nugget Casino, all shining lights and glamour.
Siri: Wow, this is very impressive.
Bond: Let’s get inside.
(They have to pass a beggar outside the main door.)
Beggar: Ya gotta dollar for a cup of coffee, buddy?
Siri: A dollar for a cup of coffee would be an unusually low price. Here in Las Vegas the average price would be –
Beggar: Okay, okay.
(He gets up and walks away.)
Bond: Siri, really, you must try and rein yourself in.
Siri: That is not what you said last night, James.
Bond: Ah … er … (He speaks to an attendant.) Excuse me, could you tell me where to find the manager, please?
(In the manager’s office. He is wearing a loud checked suit and smoking a cigar slightly shorter than a didgeredoo.)
Manager: Hello, Miss Blixen and Mr Bond, My name is Hiram P. Schnatzenburger the Third, Welcome back, Miss Blixen. I can set up with a large credit for you if you'd like to play at one of the tables.
Siri: Thank you. With a lot of luck at the poker table maybe I can buy myself a new bra to replace the one I just lost.
Bond: In my experience women don't gain new bras in poker. Rather the opposite in fact.
Manager: I am told that you would like to see me. How can I help you?
Bond: We have been sent to investigate the theft of your Golden Nugget.
Manager: (Looking around.) What? We have had no such theft! What makes you say such a thing?
Siri: We know that you reported this theft to the local police department. They reported it to the FBI, and they contacted the CIA, who informed Interpol, who asked that the –
Manager: Okay, okay, I get it. Yes, our famous Golden Nugget has been stolen. We are attempting to keep this very quiet because otherwise we would have to change the name of the casino and that would not be desirable.
Bond: Well, as I understand it the thief or thieves left a golden finger behind so perhaps you could make that your name.
Manager: The “Gold Finger”? Mr Bond, many of our suckers – er, customers would think we were giving them the finger if we did that!
Bond: Just a suggestion. Can we see where the theft took place?
Manager: Of course.
(Hiram P. Schnatzenburger leads Siri and Bond to a cordoned-off room.)
Manager: Here you are, gentleman and madam- look there!
Siri: But… but there’s nothing there!
Manager: Exactly. That is where the original Golden Nugget has sat undisturbed since 1849. Only now has it been moved.
Bond: 1849?
Manager: You don’t know the history, Mr Bond? How about you, Siri? Tell us the history of the Golden Nugget.
(Bond groans but is too late to stop Siri from launching into another fact dump.)
Siri: The Golden Nugget was found in the Klondyke in 1849. It was discovered by an Australian digger called Rupert Murdoch who sold it to his partner. Murdoch used the money to begin a magazine “California Babes” which earned him enough money to start a newspaper –
Manager: All right, all right, thank you. The partner, Jeremiah B. Succotash, opened a small gambling saloon which has grown into the great casino you see before you. The Golden Nugget has always been its symbol and has been kept here under high security. Many attempts have been made to steal it over the years, and only now has one succeeded. It has gone, and this has been left in its place.
Siri: It’s a gold finger. (She strokes it.) Such a cold finger.
Manager: I sure hope you people are able to get the Nugget back for us.
Bond: That is certainly our intention. Come on, Siri, let’s go.
To be continued on Tuesday .......
Chapter 6
Oslo, Norway. Not Sweden as many seem to believe. Bond and Siri are walking down Karl Johan, the city's main street. The snow has brought out shoppers in droves to the Christmas-decorated shops.
Siri: What a lovely Christmas tree in front of the royal castle!
Bond: Yes, it was clearly much too nice for them to send it to Trafalgar Square in London. Siri, when is the Nobel Prize ceremony?
Siri: Tomorrow, on the tenth of December.
Bond: If they're planning to steal the medal they need to move fast. I wonder where a thief would strike?
Siri: The ceremony will be in the town hall, though during and after the ceremony the security is tight. But until then the medal is kept in the vaults of the medieval Akershus castle, (Her teeth grit as she says the next part.) along with all their winter sports gold medals.
Bond: I don't remember who won this year. I only know who didn't win.
Siri: But at least he took the bad news with so much grace and dignity ......
Bond: Anyway. I didn't know Norway had medieval castles. Let's go have a look, it's probably a cabin with rather solid walls ....
Siri: Nice cabin, but the downside is the armed Royal Guardsmen in fetching uniforms standing around. Can’t you just bump one of them off so we can get inside the vault?
Bond: Honestly, Siri. Who do you think I am?
Siri: Commander James Bond - date of birth is unclear, it has changed several times. Recruited to the British Secret Service from the Royal Navy. Licenced to kill and has done so for a number of reasons, some indiscriminate and others fairly solid. Proficient gambler, though lost a large sum of government money on one mission, but that’s the vagaries of gambling. Many lady friends, but married only once. The impact of this lifestyle on his medical record is limited to ...
Bond: All right, you’ve made your point.
Siri: You’re sensitive, Mr. Bond. Is it a sore point?
Bond: Not since I saw the doctor, no. (Happily changing the subject.) Now, I see guards dressed in civilian clothes too. But why are they shivering in black suits and darkened sunglasses while they're holding a finger in their ear?
Siri: Not to mention the fact that they're speaking English in a loud voice and with an American accent?
(One of the Americans walks over to the nearest Norwegian guardsman and karate-chops him on the back of his head. He then puts his finger in his ear again and whispers very loudly. The other men in impractical clothes for the temperature disappear into the gate the soldier was guarding.)
Bond: Curiouser and curiouser. Let's follow them.
(They follow some old stone steps down to the vault. Bond draws his Walther PPK while Siri walks quickly past long rows of glass display cabinets. She looks straight ahead and has a haughty look on her stunning face. Bond looks at the first cabinets and sees a number of gold medals in various ski-related events. The men in black have left all the Norwegian Winter Olympic and world championship gold medals alone and continued into a second vault. Siri is waiting for him in front of the entrance to the next vault. They hear crashing sounds.)
Siri: (In an icy voice.) Never ever mention this to me!
Bond: Sore point, Siri? Isn't there a similar collection of this size in Stockholm?
(Bond notes that Siri is getting very good at the icy stare and decides to do something less dangerous. He runs through the doorway with his pistol ready.)
Bond: Freeze!
1st Man In Black: We already are freezing .....
(In the middle of the room is a single display cabinet with broken glass. The Nobel Peace Prize medal is still there.)
Bond: Get your hands up. Finally we've caught you. Why are you stealing gold trinkets in Las Vegas, Washington DC and Japan?
2nd Man In Black: What are you talking about? This is the first time in our lives we've stolen anything and we've never been in those places.
1st Man In Black: Well. we've been in D.C. a lot. We are from the US Secret Service, you understand.
2nd Man In Black: Oh yeah, that’s right.
Bond: (Raising eyebrow at the ceiling.) Really? Siri, check their badges and passports.
Men In Black: (In unison.) Siri Blixen!
Bond: Keep your hands up! No, just your hands!
Siri: Also close your mouths and stop drooling!
(She gathers the staring men's IDs.)
Siri: The Secret Service badges look legit. You guys should be ashamed of yourselves! But their passports have no recent stamps from Japan.
Bond: Looks like they're telling the truth. But why is the Secret Service stealing the Peace Prize?
1st Man In Black: POTUS ordered us to bring it home.
Siri: Say again?
3rd Man In Black: President Trump said it was only fair because the Peace Prize should be his anyway. He said he's stopped 9-12 YUGE wars single-handedly.
Bond: (Looks at Siri.) Sounds believable ....
Siri. Sadly, yes. (Turns to the exit and shouts at the top of her lungs.) Hjälp! De stjäler er jävla guldmedaljer! (Help! They're stealing your bloody gold medals!)
(Bond quickly shoulders his pistol and heads for the door. Siri also walks toward the door while she smashes as many glass displays as she can. She stops the vandalism against the hated Norwegian gold medals as soon as the Royal Guardsmen come running with their rifles ready.)
Siri: (Under her breath.) Nordbaggar! *
*Swedish derogatory term for the glorious Norwegian people.
(Bond and Siri stop in their tracks just as they are about to exit through the gate to the castle yard. Seven men wearing white clothes and ski masks are aiming at them with modern crossbows.)
Crossbowman 1: Go back to the Nobel gold medal. Don't try anything!
Bond: The Nobel Peace Prize is more popular than ever this year.
(Back in the vault the Royal Guard and the Secret Service are re-enacting the scene between the Secret Service, 007 and the supermodel minutes before.)
Henchman: Freeze!
First Man In Black: I keep telling people we already are freezing ....
Henchman 2: Everybody drop your weapons right now!
Third Crossbowman: (Aiming his crossbow at Bond.) That includes you.
(Bond, The Secret Service and the Guardsmen all reluctantly drop their guns.)
Henchman 1: A farewell to arms. I think we've deserved the Peace Prize now. (Starts walking towards the glass display case.)
(For once in her life all eyes aren't on Siri. She takes a can of surstrømming from her purse and grabs the ring on the lid that opens the can.)
Siri: Stop. This is a can of surstrømming and I'm willing to use it!
(The guardsmen turn pale and run out to get their gas masks. Bond is holding his nose.)
Secret Service: What is it?
Bond: Some sort of Scandinavian "delicacy".
(The Secret Service too hold their noses. The henchmen realise they can't aim their crossbows and hold their noses at the same time.)
Siri: Swedish delicacy!
(The Secret Service men look nervously at each other.)
Third Man In Black: This looks as bad as the time Biden farted in the situation room.
First Man In Black: Worse!
(All the Secret Service men run for the exit while shouting:) CODE 24! CODE 24!
(Siri stands in front of the glass display case, looking fierce and stunning.)
Bond: (Picks his Walther PPK up from the floor.) Peace talks have broken down, I see. Time to re-arm.
Henchman 1: (Nervously.) If you open that can, the stench will hit you first.
Siri: Then I'll die like a Swede. What about you?
Henchman 1: No-one told us we'd be facing a Swedish supermodel suicide chemical bomber. We're pulling out. (They slowly back out of the room.)
Bond: Congratulations, Siri. You saved us both and the Nobel peace prize! Now slowly put that can back into your purse ......
Siri: Thanks, but this is no time to be beating off into the bush. Where do we go next?
To Be Continued
Chapter 7
Nice, France. It’s nice in Nice. James Bond and Siri Blixen walk up the driveway towards a huge mansion. The trees are decorated for Christmas. These are real Christmas fir trees, transported down from Lapland, and decorated with glistening ornaments which may or may not be real gold and silver encrusted with diamonds. Come to think of it, they probably are.
The door has pillars either side with cherubic angels carved into them, dressed in pink and blue and blowing kisses. A chandelier hangs above, which tinkles “Candle In The Wind” loudly when the bell is pressed.
Bond: It’s good to see that success hasn’t spoiled him.
(A butler dressed in the style of Louis XV lets them in and leads them to a vast chamber where Sir Elton John awaits them, wearing six-inch platform heels and platinum glasses which blink in an alternating blue and orange pattern when he speaks. His hair is light brown and wavy, and would look terrific on a young man of twenty-four or twenty-five. Sir Elton is seventy-eight.)
Bond: Sir Elton, thank you for seeing us.
Elton: Yes, well, there are times when we all need to share a little pain.
Siri: I understand you seem to have lost a golden piano.
Elton: It’s a little bit funny. It was right there one night then in the morning it had gone.
Bond: Do you think it could have been one of the staff?
Elton: What, you mean Daniel, Little Jeannie, Guy, Nikita? (He shakes his head, causing the glasses to flash green and red.)
Siri: Then one of your visitors?
Elton: Bennie perhaps, or one of the Jets?
Bond: Well, we’ll see what we can do.
Elton: Do you think you can find my piano?
Bond: I don’t know, but one thing is for sure.
Elton/Siri: What?
Bond: I think it’s going to be a long, long time.
The finale is tomorrow!
Chapter 8
Beckham Castle, near Windsor. Sir David Beckham sits in the main chamber, surrounded by paintings of his greatest goals and framed headlines from the newspapers, happily polishing his Golden Balls. There is an unearthly screech from the next chamber.
Sir Becks: Flippin’ heck! (This is a family site.)
(The screech continues. He gets up and opens the door to the next chamber.)
Sir Becks: Oy! Stop that!
Lady Posh: Stop what, David my dearest love?
Sir Becks: Stop that Godawful noise!
Lady Posh: Godawful noise? But David, the other Girls and I have to rehearse for our “Definitely The Last Spice Girls Tour, No Comebacks Two Years Later, Honest We Promise” Tour.
Sir Becks: Just will you hold it down a bit in there, I’m trying to polish my Golden … Golden … Aargh!
Lady Posh: What is it, David heart of my heart?
Sir Becks: My 32 Golden Balls – they’ve gone!!!!
Chapter 9
(Outside Beckham Castle, a figure runs into a gas-guzzling limousine and then heads away. Unbeknownst to all except those wonderful people who are reading, a beautiful 1964 Aston Martin DB5 starts up and follows.)
Siri: You were quite right, James, the thief did go to the Beckhams next. How did you guess that?
Bond: I guessed that’s what they’d want, what they’d really, really want.
Siri: But it looks like whoever it is won’t be going very far. They’re turning in to that place ahead.
Bond: It’s Royal Lodge.
Siri: Royal Lodge was the official residence of Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor when he was Prince Andrew and his ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, when she was the Duchess of York. Previously it was –
Bond: All right, all right, Siri. Let’s park the car and go in.
(Inside they find a figure wearing a Gert Frobe mask adding the Golden Balls to a large haul of golden loots, such as the Golden Nugget from Las Vegas and Sir Elton John’s golden piano. The figure freezes and Siri turns up the lights. Bond aims his Walther PPK as he marches up to the thief.)
Bond: Now, let's see who you really are!
(He rips off the mask to reveal....)
Bond: Rachel Reeves!
Siri: Rachel Reeves is the Chancellor of the Exchequer for the United Kingdom. Her tenure has been marked by controversy and a need to cover a vast gap in the finances she has the responsibility of.
Reeves: You appear to have done your homework, Miss Blixen.
Siri: Unlike you then, Miss Reeves.
Bond: But why? Why would you be stealing all these precious gold objects?
Reeves: Don't you read the newspapers, Mr Bond? Don't you watch television?
Bond: Not if I can possibly avoid it.
Reeves: I have a £50 billion black hole in my budget. I have to cover that somehow! And I’d have gotten away with it too, if not for you pesky MI6 agents!
Siri: The market value of the gold you have here is considerably less than that required to fill a £50 billion black hole, Miss Reeves.
Reeves: Who said anything about selling it?
Bond: You have stolen huge amounts of gold but don’t intend to sell it…?
Reeves: Go on, Mr Bond.
Bond: But of course! You are going to irradiate this pile of gold, making it unusable for … 57 years.
Reeves: 58 years to be exact.
Bond: Thus making your gold in the Bank of England increase in value by … £50 billion!!!!
(Reeves smiles happily.)
Bond: I apologize, Miss Reeves, it’s an inspired deal! And the idea is almost completely original. But how do you radiate the gold? Did you buy some Soviet plutonium on the black market back in the 90s? Or import some cars labelled “Atomic”?
Reeves: No. It was an honest mistake. I signed off for buying loads of radio sets to support wheelchair-bound lesbians in a government drive to help them become more active as radio amateurs. Turns out what I really bought was used radioactive machinery. It cost ten million pounds of taxpayer money - quite cheap when you think about it ....
Bond: Well, your admittedly well-planned dream is over, Goldf- I mean, Reeves. You’re going to give all of that gold back to its rightful owners.
Reeves: But Mr Bond, don’t you see? This means that I won’t have to raise taxes and cut services! I have robbed from the rich to give to the poor!
Siri: Yes, but … but ….
Reeves: But what?
Bond: But nothing. I believe that our making you put these golden trinkets back into the hands of people who can easily afford to buy more isn’t the best possible solution.
Reeves: It is Christmas, after all.
Chapter 10
(Outside, James and Siri get back into the Aston Martin.)
Bond: Oh, no!
Siri: (Worried.) What is it? Did we forget anything important?
Bond: Not we - I did. I just realized I've been a one-woman man throughout the whole mission! I remember it almost happened to me back in 1987, but luckily I met a bored woman on a yacht. It's still rather depressing. I need to rectify it and find a secondary love interest immediately. (Realizing he's talking out loud.) No offence, I hope?
Siri: (Smiles an R-rated smile.) It depends ...... can I join?
Bond: (Smiles.) Swede dreams are made of this ...
Siri: A European liberal lifestyle has its upsides.
Bond: Sign me up to re-join at once! To show my gratitude I have a Christmas present for you.
(He hands her a wrapped package from under his jacket.)
Siri: How nice! But we haven't been in a boutique for ages?
(She opens the package with childlike glee.)
Bond: Oh, look. It's starting to snow!
(Siri doesn't look at the falling snow. She's staring at the present instead.)
Siri: (Gasps.) A new golden bra ..... and a gold thong ..... it's a gold bikini! (She jumps into the grateful arms of Bond.) Thank you!
Bond: I thought you deserve to own one of your own.
Siri: Perfect! I'll try it on at once.
(She changes clothes in the speed of a professional supermodel.)
Siri: It's tailored! How did you know?
Bond: I have a friend from up north who knows everything about girls like you.
Siri: Oh James, skweeze me, pleeze me.
Bond & Siri: (Smiling directly to the readers.) Merry Christmas!
(They kiss as a sleigh pulled by nine reindeer flies away in the background.)
Santa Claus: Ho, ho, hoooo!
Song:
(To the tune of Goldfinger)
Goldenbra,
It’s the bra,
The bra with the golden clasp,
Such a big pair,
Beckons you to unhook it now,
But he wants your bra.
Golden words he will pour in your ear,
But his lies can’t disguise your fear,
For your goldenbra is all that he wants,
And not what it holds therein.
Pretty girl beware of your bra,
This man wants your bra,
He loves your bra,
He loves your bra-aa-aa-aa.
If you've ever wondered, our Christmas Specials are highly realistic or "Christmas fact" as Cubby would've said it. For example the Swedish delicacy Surstrømning. Here is a can of it. Please note how it's bulging because of the fermentation process:
Here a Swede is opening it under water:
Enjoy! 😀
One of my nephews lives close to the border to Sweden. He just told me someone once opened a can of surstrømming in school. The school was evacuated and everyone was sent home for the rest of the day. 😂
Very good Goldenbra amusing and contemporayily topical. Thank you all very much for a Boxing Day read.
Our pleasure, and your Countdown was a pleasure too.