2015. (The Royal Premiere of “Spectre”)
(The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Wilson and Miss Broccoli.
MGW: (Amazed that the names are correct.) Ah, good evening, Your Majesty.
BB: Good evening, ma’am.
MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig?
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Craig.
Craig: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: Your fourth James Bond film, one believes?
Craig: That is so, Your Majesty.
The Queen: And will there be a fifth?
Craig: I’d rather slash my-
MGW: (Hurriedly.) Our lovely leading lady, Mme Lea Seydoux.
The Queen: Good evening, Mme Seydoux.
Lea: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: And who do you play?
Lea: I play Dr Madeleine Swann.
The Queen: Ah, Madeleine and Swann as in “À la recherche du temps perdu" no doubt.
(Further down the line, Purvis and Wade exchange a high five. Someone got it!)
The Duke: What? What are you going on about?
The Queen: Never mind, Philip.
BB: May I present Miss Moneypenny, the beautiful Naomie Harris?
The Queen: Good evening, Miss Harris.
Naomie: Good evening, ma’am.
The Duke: You were in the last one, weren’t you?
Naomie: That’s so, sir.
The Duke: And you told me you weren’t Miss Moneypenny, said you were someone called “Eve”.
Naomie: Well, I didn’t want to give away the surprise, sir.
The Duke: Hmph.
BB: Next is Christoph Waltz.
The Queen: Ah, and what part do you play, Herr Waltz?
Waltz: I play Franz Oberhauser, ma’am.
The Duke: Ha, you don’t fool me. You play that Blofeld chap, don’t you?
Waltz: Well, I-
BB: (Quickly.) No no, Your Highness, Christoph is quite right, he plays Franz Oberhauser.
The Duke: Oh no you don’t. I got fooled by that Miss Moneypenny gal, I’m not falling for that again. Where’s your white cat?
MGW: (Moving along briskly.) Next is Ralph Fiennes, who plays M.
The Queen: Ah, hello again Mr Fiennes.
Ralph: Always a pleasure, Your Majesty.
The Duke: Not been climbing any mountains recently, eh, Fiennes? This acting business seems a bit safer!
Ralph: Ah, that was my uncle, sir.
The Duke: You sure?
Ralph: Yes, sir, quite sure.
BB: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
Rory: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory sighs.)
MGW: Next, ma’am, is the lovely Monica Bellucci.
The Duke: Ah, your face seems familiar.
Monica: Perhaps Your Highness has seen some of my Italian movies?
The Duke: Yes, that’ll be… Oh, er, sorry, my mistake. (Reddening.) I haven’t seen you in any Italian movies. Or any movies. Never seen any Italian movies. Oh no.
BB: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
Charmed & Dangerous wrote:
) ) ) (I wonder if Mr Kinnear (who?) ever frequents these pages? ) )
Has anyone suggested publishing a book of all those marvels?
The Red Kind wrote:
I would prefer to hear it performed by Barbel/TP/C&D et al, a la The Goon Show )
I get to do Sean Connery! )
I was not attempting to do a Connery
I am seeing myself more like one of the pretty boys, something like a Moore/Brosnan impersonator