Imaginary Conversations



  • Napoleon PluralNapoleon Plural LondonPosts: 10,346MI6 Agent
    Golden Gun came out in 1974, Barbel, what are you describing, a reunion party?
    "This is where we leave you Mr Bond."

    Roger Moore 1927-2017
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    I'm not with you, NP, what do you mean? I played with time for the Cushing and Lee sketch, just for fun- I know "Star Wars" came out well after TMWTGG, but was playing for laughs.
    Anyway, the very first line of this thread says that accuracy isn't the main intent! :))
  • Napoleon PluralNapoleon Plural LondonPosts: 10,346MI6 Agent
    Can't find it now, it was the one with Derek, the coffin and Herve V!
    "This is where we leave you Mr Bond."

    Roger Moore 1927-2017
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    1983. (“Octopussy” Press Conference.)

    Cubby: Ok, I’d like to thank everyone for being here and now if there are any questions…?
    1st Reporter: Hello, everyone knows that Kevin McClory is making a rival James Bond film at the same time as yours. Are you worried about this, Mr Broccoli?
    Cubby: No, not at all.
    1st Reporter: Can I ask why not?
    Cubby: I’ve seen their script.
    2nd Reporter: And what was your reaction?
    Cubby: I couldn’t stop laughing for three days.
    2nd Reporter: Mr Wilson, is that true?
    MGW: No, not at all- it was more like four days.
    3rd Reporter: Mr Moore, how does it feel being back as James Bond again and will you be doing all of your own stunts?
    Roger: It feels wonderful of course, and I shall be doing just as many of my own stunts as ever.
    3rd Reporter: Miss Adams, is it true that you are the first actress to return to a James Bond film?
    Maud: Why, yes, I believe it is true.
    (Over to the side, Lois Maxwell rolls her eyes and decides to call Martine Beswick later- if she’s not too busy talking with Eunice Gayson.)
    4th Reporter: And is this a completely different part from the one that you played in “The Man With The Golden Gun”?
    Maud: Oh, yes, completely different. Here, I am a woman in SE Asia in league with the main villain, played by an actor with a long career who’s played Dracula, who changes sides and teams up with James Bond. So not similar at all.
    5th Reporter: Mr Glen, how is this film going to differ from your previous Bond film?
    John: Well, this time we are going to be a bit lighter in tone. “For Your Eyes Only” was basically a serious movie, and this time we’re going to play up the humour a bit more. Don’t worry, though, we won’t be making James Bond a clown.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    2012. (Eon HQ.)

    BB: Sounds good, boys, what’s next?
    Purvis: Then James takes M to a garage where he has the Aston Martin DB5 in storage.
    Wade: He’s been keeping it there in case he needs it.
    Purvis: Then he tells M to get in.
    Wade: And they drive off- would be really good if we could hear the “James Bond Theme” as they head off!
    MGW: And where do they go?
    Wade: They head to Scotland- they’re going to end up at a big house quite like one that Fleming’s family used to own, near Glen Etive.
    Purvis: And she complains that it’s not very comfortable…
    Wade: he opens the gear lever to expose the red button that we all know means “eject”…
    Purvis: ...and she says “Go on then, eject me, see if I care”!!!
    MGW: Ah yes, but that was in the old continuity.
    Purvis/Wade: What?
    BB: We started a new continuity with “Casino Royale”- the Aston Martin he got in that film isn’t the same Aston Martin Bond had in “Goldfinger”.
    Purvis: But…
    Wade: Ah yes, but…
    MGW: So it can’t be the same Aston Martin. No ejector seat, no red button.
    Purvis/Wade: Oh…
    BB: Do you think anyone will notice?
    MGW: Perhaps. If they’ve been paying attention.
    Purvis/Wade: Oh…
    BB: Let’s go with it anyway! It’s a good joke!
  • The Spy Who Never DiesThe Spy Who Never Dies UKPosts: 644MI6 Agent
    I think Barbel might have a microphone in my house too! My husband has mentioned this very thing (ejector button being in a different Aston Martin) on several occasions!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    :)) No microphone, I'm afraid, just Higgins crouched listening at your window!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    2002. (Q Branch Interviews. There is a knock on the door.)

    Q: Come in.
    (R enters.)
    R: Excuse me, is this the right room for an interview?
    Q: I’ve told you once.
    R: No you didn’t.
    Q: Yes I did, now sit down...... No, no, not the comfy chair!!! As you know, I’m planning on retiring soon and I’m looking for a young fellow to follow me.
    (R examines the shelves behind Q's desk...)
    R: Is that a shoe?
    Q: Yes with a nasty surprise hidden with in- used to be owned by the leader of...
    R: He has given us... His shoe!
    Q: Well it was a She actually...
    R: It's a sandal!
    Q: No, it isn't! You'll need to pop along for an eye test later, to our branch at Barnard Castle. What kept you anyway?
    R: I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my walk has become rather silly over these months, so it takes so long to get to the office.
    Q: As long as you get to work on time. Now, pay attention. What experience do you have?
    R: Well, I used to run a hotel.
    Q: Had to be civil I guess?
    R: Don't mention Sybil!!!.... I did it once but think I got away with it before hors d'oeuvres.
    Q: Hors d'oeuvres?
    R: Hors d'oeuvres must be obeyed!
    Q: Staff problems?
    R: I looked down on Manuel as he was working class, but I looked up to Lord Melbury as he was upper class!
    Q: I don’t see the relevance. Is the hotel still functioning?
    R: It is no more; it has ceased to be.
    Q: Have you achieved anything worth mentioning?
    R: I did find the Holy Grail.
    Q: Now that is certainly impressive.
    R: Well my cup did runneth over, and I was the leader of the People’s Front of Judea!
    Q: The Judean People’s Front?
    R: F*ck off!
    Q: What?
    R: The People’s Front of Judea!
    Q: And now for something completely different… (Q opens a large folder.) Well, I won't keep you for more than an hour or so if you give me your undivided attention.
    R: You mean there's more?
    Q: You must expect some questions, about your foreign language skills perhaps?
    R: Well, I certainly didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition!

    (Co-written with another member, who wishes to remain anonymous-
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
    Who threw that grenade?
    She did! She did! Ahem, he did! He did!
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    :)) :)) :))
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent
    edited July 2020
    Piz Gloria, 1969.

    Comte de Bleauchamp: Hmm.
    Grunther: Herr Direktor, what is ze matter?
    Comte: Something is bugging me.
    Grunther: Ja, mein Herr?
    Comte: Ja, Grunther. I'm sure there's something familiar about our new guest, Sir Hilary. Only I can't quite place it.
    Grunther: He looks like ze Clark Kent, nein? Vis ze glasses and ze black hair. I vonder, if he took off ze glasses, he would look like Superman!
    Comte: Nonsense, Grunther. No-one would ever fall for such an obvious trick as disguising themselves with just a pair of glasses. Only plastic surgery would work, and even then, there's a limit as to how effective it is, and how many times you can radically change your appearance.
    Grunther: But it vorked for you so well, Herr Direktor, you look like one of ze Dirty Dozen, so handsome.
    Comte: Yes, well I wouldn't want to go through that again, unless of course Frau Bunt discovers that I've been, umm, grooming the young ladies at the clinic for, ah, special duties.
    Grunther: Herr Direktor, if zat were to heppen, you would have to go all out, take six or seven years off your age, grow three inches taller, not to mention a full head of hair, to escape her.
    Comte: Careful Grunther, she has ears like an elephant...
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    So true.... :D
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    1964. (Excerpts from Michael Caine’s dairy.)

    Saturday: Got back from Sophie's place about half after midnight. Lord that girl knows how to [redacted]. She made me [redacted] and then [redacted]. Totally shagged out. Just wanna sleep.
    2am: John is keeping me awake, banging on his piano. Keeps playing the same 2 chords, over and over. I wish he’d shut up. Still, can’t complain. It was good of him to let me sleep here.

    Sunday: John has invited Leslie Bricusse & Anthony Newley over to write the words for his song. God, he keeps playing it. Over and over.
    They are singing something about “golden words” and “he loves only gold” and I just want to sleep.

    I think they’re finished now. Oh no, they’ve called in Shirley Bassey!!!

    Shirley: He loves only gold! Only gold!

    Caine: Might as well get up, then.
  • The Spy Who Never DiesThe Spy Who Never Dies UKPosts: 644MI6 Agent
    Barbel wrote:
    :)) No microphone, I'm afraid, just Higgins crouched listening at your window!

    I wondered where those green trainers came from!

    (I don't know the story of Higgins and the green trainers but have seen the connection mentioned a few times. Maybe it could be worked into this thread?)
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    I've heard the story but wasn't there so I'd have to make it up. Oh, wait...
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,490MI6 Agent
    1965: Inside a cafe, close to Shrublands.

    Pat: Oh my god, you should see this new patient, he’s such a hunk, wouldn’t surprise me if he was voted world’s sexiest man!
    Friend: I thought you were having it off with another patient, the older man?
    Pat: He’s a Count.
    Friend: A bit harsh, but I suppose they all turn out that way.
    Pat: No, a Count, as in aristocracy!
    Friend: Oh yes, silly me. Anyway have you shagged him yet?
    Pat: You bet, but of course I played the game of pretending I didn’t want to at first and then we did it in the steam room.
    Friend: What does he do for a living?
    Pat: I don’t know, I shall pretend he’s a secret agent....The Spy Who Loved Me...
    Friend: More like The Spy Who Shagged Me!
    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    :)) :)) :)) Loving this!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    1972. (Llewelyn household. Desmond paces up and down.)

    Mrs Llewelyn: Oh, sit down, Desmond, and relax.
    Desmond: Sit down? Relax? How can I do that?
    Mrs Llewelyn: There’s still time.
    Desmond: But they’ve never left it this late before! I’m getting worried now!
    Mrs Llewelyn: Don’t worry so much, you’ve still got “Follyfoot”.
    Desmond: But who’s going to give James Bond his gadgets if not me?
    Mrs Llewelyn: Miss Moneypenny perhaps?
    Desmond: That would be silly! And if he doesn’t have his gadgets how can he possibly survive?
    Mrs Llewelyn: It will all be okay, you’ll see.
    Desmond: And this is the first film with Roger Moore, it would be the first time I get to hand him something like, oh, a magnetic watch perhaps. If someone else does it, they won’t explain everything it can do the way I would and the audience might feel cheated when he uses it to escape later.
    (The phone rings.)
    Desmond: Hello? Cubby? Harry? ...Oh, right...yes...I see….so tomorrow then….what time?….about 10am...yes, that’s fine…see you tomorrow.
    Mrs Llewelyn: Oh Desmond, I’m so pleased for you! Now you can stop worrying, and wearing a hole in my carpet!
    Desmond: Hardly- that was the gas board, they’re coming to inspect our boiler.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    (See post 145 below)
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,912MI6 Agent
    I imagine Denise had a discussion about wearing a white T-shirt in the tank scene. Denise would like something more glamorous, but Apted insists it's "important for the scene!".
    Denise should also put down some of Charlie Sheen's opinions, I think.

    [Barbel: Good idea, I've included that in post 145 below]
  • SpectreOfDefeatSpectreOfDefeat Posts: 404MI6 Agent
    St Mark’s Square, Venice. 1979.

    LEWIS GILBERT: And we are rolling on the action-packed gondola chase…ready…set…action!
    ROGER MOORE: Out of the way, people! Stand back! Secret agent coming through! I said, stand back!
    A man looks at a bottle. A dog looks confused.
    ROGER MOORE: Get out of the way, please!
    LEWIS GILBERT: Cut, cut, cut. No, Roger, a suave spy does not holler at the crowd like a circus impresario. Shall we try that again?
    ROGER MOORE: I really do think I need some kind of horn to warn everyone that I’m coming. Otherwise I’ll end up crashing into someone, and we wouldn’t want that, now, would we?
    LEWIS GILBERT: Hmm…a loud horn…not terribly stealthy, is it? You’re meant to be undercover.
    ROGER MOORE: I’ll probably crash into you if this carries on…
    LEWIS GILBERT: OK, you win. Let’s try the scene with the horn.

    *Five minutes later*
    ROGER MOORE: Parp, parp, parp! Yippee!
    LEWIS GILBERT: Great, that’s much more exciting…

    "The spectre of defeat..."

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    :)) :)) :)) And a pigeon double-takes!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff

    1999. (Excerpts from the diary of Denise Richards.)

    Monday: So exciting x! The first day of shooting for my new film "The World Isn't Good Enough", which is a James Bond movie. I like James Bond, and his butler Alfred.
    The director, Mr Apted, is very nice and spent a lot of time helping me to say the word "physicist". It's all great fun x!

    Tuesday: Today I was working with James Bond himself, Pierce Bronson! He was very nice and charming. I told him how much my mother liked him in "The Saint" and "The Persuaders" and he gave me a lovely smile.
    I think he did very well taking over from Sean Connery x!

    Wednesday: Today I met Queen Judi Dench. She is very small and very old. I told her that I had been things and seen places, and she said she could believe it. Mr Apted was much more nicerer to her than he was to me even though I am much better looking! I asked him why, and he said it was something called "respect". I must look that up x!

    Thursday: Today I found out that I am called "Christmas" in this movie! That seems very strange! We've been out in the desert, there isn't a sign of snow anywhere! And I am a doctor too! I wonder what I will learn tomorrow x?

    Friday: Today we are filming in a big tank full of water. I had picked out a lovely blue dress, with chiffon edging, and a floral design on the front, but Mr Apted said I was to wear a white T-shirt. I didn't see why, my dress was so much nicerer, but Mr Apted said it was important for the scene. I must ask Charlie about that when I get back x.

    1999. (Excerpts from the diary of Michael Apted.)

    Monday: Today saw the arrival of our other leading lady, Denise. She was due on set at 9am, but spent till 11.30am in make-up. When she emerged, she was wearing a bikini and I had to convince her that, yes, it was really hot but it would be much more appropriate if she wore something else. After much persuasion she agreed to a T-shirt and shorts and then it was time for lunch.
    After lunch it took 47 takes for her to get the word “physicist” correct. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow.

    Tuesday: We’re continuing the scene from yesterday, but Denise wanted a change of costume and turned up in a different outfit. I had to tell her that yes, the audience would notice if she was wearing something else in the middle of a scene.
    I don’t know what she said to Pierce, but he’s been walking about with a fixed grin avoiding her as much as he can.

    Wednesday: Dame Judi had a scene today, and I was hoping that Denise might learn something from her but she spent most of her time on her phone with someone called “Charlie”. I did manage to teach her a new word later, though.

    Thursday: Only had to film Pierce and Judi today, so told Denise to sit in her caravan reading the script. I had to persuade her that yes, this would be a good idea.

    Friday: We were shooting in the water tank today, and again I had to explain to Denise that her wardrobe choices were not ideal. Finally she agreed to the white T-shirt Michael had suggested and the reasons for her casting became a lot more clear. Inexplicably, there were a lot more crew on set for this scene than usual.
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,792MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :)) Pierce Bronson :#
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    :) One of the more subtle jokes! Glad you liked it!

    I've got a busy time with the kids* just now, normal service will be resumed later.

    * ok, the grandkids tbh
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,490MI6 Agent
    Bond: I sushpect thish will be harder than anything any of ush has done before
    Flint: Do you think we can do it, we are old men now?
    Helm: Speak for yourself, I’m still getting it on with some of the ladies here.
    Palmer: Not a lot of people know that
    Drummond: Legend has it that Drake did it but no one can really confirm it
    Bond: So we try to eshcape tonight?
    Flint: If only we knew exactly where we are
    Palmer: All we know is that we are in The Viillage.
    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,358MI6 Agent
    1963. (Jonathan Cape, Publishers.)

    Publisher: Ah, good morning Ian, thanks for coming in again.
    Fleming: But of course, old chap.
    Publisher: I suppose you'd like a drink?
    Fleming: I thought you were never going to ask. Three measures of Gordon's, one of-
    Publisher: Yes... I think we've got the gist of it by now. Umm, I'd like to have a chat with you about this new manuscript of yours. In Moonraker, Bond is eight years short of the mandatory retirement age from the OO section of 45, which would mean he was 37 at the time; and you wrote that the events occurred in November 1954, which means Bond was born in 1917.
    Fleming: Yes.
    Publisher: Yet when Bond bowls out the Roumanians in the casino at Monte Carlo, he would have been about fifteen. And evidently he bought his first 4 1/2 litre Bentley "almost new in 1933" when he would have been about eleven or twelve!
    Fleming: Ah. Early starter, 007, eh?
    Publisher: And in all of your earlier novels, Bond refers to himself - or others refer to Bond - as an Englishman... and now in this latest manuscript, you refer to Bond as a Scotsman. Well, half-Scots and half-Swiss to be exact.
    Fleming: Oh. Yes I can see how that might be a bit, ah, confusing.
    Publisher: Ian, would you like to edit your manuscript one more time?
    Fleming: Not at all, old boy! There's no way anyone will ever notice, and it's doubly certain that no tiny inaccuracies will ever be discussed even a couple of weeks after its publication... now, stall we head over to Dukes for a quick one before Scott's?
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,708Chief of Staff
    :)) :)) :)) :))
    CHB and C&D, enjoyed those very much!

    C&D, you know what your post above means? It means we are going to have to write a publishers meeting for every Fleming book.... :o
Sign In or Register to comment.