1977. A hairdressers, in London. A man walks furtively in, looking either side in case he’s spotted. He’s tall and is wearing a pulled down hat and a scarf, despite it being a warm day, and a coat with the collars turned up.
Hairdresser: Good morning sir, how may I help you?
Man: (Speaking in obviously false voice.) Er, yes, I was looking for some… (He lowers his voice to a whisper.) ...hair dye.
Hairdresser: (Out loud.) Hair dye?
Man: Ssh, ssh, please be quiet. Yes, I’m needing some… (His voice lowers again.) ...hair dye. Would you happen to have some?
Hairdresser: Yes, of course, sir. What colour are you looking for?
Man: Something like this.
(He carefully pulls a lock of hair from his pocket and hands it over to the hairdresser, who examines it minutely.)
Hairdresser: Ah yes, fair/blond shade 7.
Man: Have you got any?
Hairdresser: Ah, no, sir, they stopped making that particular shade just recently.
Man: (Very worried.) Oh, no, that’s not what I wanted to hear at all.
Hairdresser: But don’t worry, sir, we do still have fair/blond shade 8.
Man: Shade 8?
Hairdresser: Yes, it’s a little darker.
Man: Oh, dear.
Hairdresser: But no-one should notice that unless they examine it very closely.
Man: Are you sure?
Hairdresser: Oh yes, of course.
Man: Then I’d like to buy some, please.
Hairdresser: Certainly. Just a few moments, please.
(She goes to the storeroom at the back of the establishment. The man waits nervously, jumping every time someone walks by outside. Finally the hairdresser returns.)
Hairdresser: Here you are, sir.
Man: Thank you.
(The hairdresser hands it over and the man pays for it.)
Man: (Leaving.) Bye, now. And thanks again.
Hairdresser: Not at all, Mr Moore, glad to be of service.
(The man looks at her, startled, then runs off. Awkwardly.)
Sir Rog's hair colour took a definite turn to the dark side between TMWTGG and TSWLM. Only people with too much time on their hands who watch these movies a ridiculous number of times (like... me 😔) are likely to notice.
1964. Jonathan Cape, Publisher. Ian Fleming enters.
Publisher: Ah, there you are, Ian. Thanks for coming in, would you care for a drink?
Fleming: How many years have we known each other?
Publisher: Yes, of course. Silly question.
(He moves to the drinks cabinet.)
Fleming: At least you’re not asking me what I want to drink.
Publisher: Oh, that I know. Three measures of….
(He begins mixing a drink familiar to anyone reading this.)
Fleming: Anyway, what was it you wanted to ask me?
Publisher: It’s about that latest book of yours.
Fleming: “You Only Live Twice”. What about it?
Publisher: I enjoyed it very much.
Fleming: That’s good to hear.
Publisher: But I do have one or two little… suggestions?
Fleming: And what would these little… suggestions be?
Publisher: Well, I liked when you had Blofeld die- that was a highpoint.
Fleming: Thank you, I worked hard at that.
Publisher: It was so much of a highpoint that I’d like to see more.
Fleming: More?
Publisher: Yes. How about you have Felix Leiter die as well?
Fleming: (Eyes open wide.) Felix?
Publisher: Yes, since you’re going to kill off Blofeld, Bond’s greatest enemy, you might as well kill off Felix, his greatest friend.
Fleming: But Felix isn’t even in this book!
Publisher: A minor problem for a man of your talents. Just write him in.
Fleming: (Reluctantly.) I suppose I could find an excuse for him to be on the scene….
Publisher: That’s the spirit!
Fleming: Well, I’d better get on with that then. Thanks for the drink, and -
Publisher: Hey, slow down, there! I did say I had more than one suggestion for you.
Fleming: (Warily.) Yes, you did. What do you have in mind?
Publisher: You remember that Kissy was pregnant at the end of the book?
Fleming: Of course, and Bond doesn’t know that when he leaves her.
Publisher: Yes, well, how about Bond comes back and finds her with a little girl?
Fleming: I beg your pardon?
Publisher: They have a child together, a little girl. It comes as a big surprise to Bond, and it’ll come as a big surprise to the fans.
Fleming: It comes as a big surprise to me!
Publisher: Then you’ll do that?
Fleming: (Sighing.) Yes, I’ll do that. Is that all?
Publisher: Well, there’s just one more thing…
Fleming: This had better be the last!
Publisher: Definitely.
(The Publisher pauses.)
Fleming: What is it, then?
Publisher: We’d like you to… to...
Fleming: (Starting to become worried.) What? You’d like me to what?
Publisher: (Taking a deep breath.) We’d like you to kill Bond off at the end of the story.
Fleming: I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. You’d like me to do what?
Publisher: Kill Bond off.
Fleming: You can’t be serious.
Publisher: Oh yes. This will be the perfect ending.
Fleming: (Blinking rapidly.) And after he’s dead?
Publisher: (Getting excitedly carried away.) You could have a scene with Kissy and the little girl, and Kissy is telling her about her father saying “Let me tell you about a man called Bond, James Bond”.
Fleming: What????
Publisher: I think it would be great.
Fleming: And then what, after I kill Bond?
Publisher: Oh, you wait.
Fleming: How long should I wait? Usually I write a book every year. Shall I wait two years?
Publisher: No, no, no. Let’s make them wait four years. Or five… Or six…
Fleming: (Standing up.) I think they should only wait until I get a better publisher!
Producer: So, you’ve been picked as the spokesman?
Writer: That’s right, there are a lot of us so somebody had to do the talking.
Producer: Go ahead then, I’m keen to hear what you’ve all come up with.
Writer: James Bond has retired, still in his 50s, after an unhappy love affair, to an idyllic home. He is approached to come back to work- he’s initially reluctant but then agrees. The villains make an attempt to kill him early in the story while he’s in his car, but he survives.
Producer: So far, so good.
Writer: The main actress also had the female lead in an earlier Bond movie, and there is some dubiety as to her character's loyalty. His old number, 007, is given to a younger agent or agents. He finds out more about M than he has known before. Miss Moneypenny is of course invaluable to him and his work.
Producer: Of course.
Writer: Important to the plot is that Bond has a daughter he's never seen by the lady in the unhappy love affair mentioned above. They meet, and begin to make up for lost time in their relationship.
Producer: That sounds interesting.
Writer: Don’t worry, it won’t be. The traditional main villain is killed well before the end of the story, a younger villain who had arranged this taking his place and who has a plan to kill major parts of the population of the world by some sort of vague scientific method. This villain kidnaps Bond’s daughter, obliging him to trail the villain to his base (full of tunnels and strange rooms) where they face each other for the first time in the movie followed by a lot of fighting, Bond with a machine gun at some point.
Producer: Okay.
Writer: Bond dies when the villain's lair explodes at the end of the story, other major characters you might not expect to die during the film also, though the world is saved.
Producer: Of course… wait a minute, did you say Bond dies?
Writer: Yes, that’s the idea.
Producer: It’s very daring.
Writer: How’s the casting going?
Producer: It changes all the time. First we’ve got David Niven as Bond, then we’ve got Peter Sellers, then Woody Allen. I might as well have them all playing James Bond!
Writer: That’s a crazy idea.
Producer: Hey, you started it!
(This is a rewrite of a post I came up with some time ago, but I think it's worth pointing out the similarities between CR67 and NTTD as often as I can get away with.)
Strangely enough, @caractacus potts, I believe it's NTTD. It does have some good parts which don't need defending (eg Paloma) .... oh wait, so does the other one....
I've never thought about CR'67 and NTTD in that way before, but the similarities are there.
NTTD is a difficult and very devisive movie, but I can't help liking it. I wonder if NTTD is the OHMMS of this age and I wonder how the movie will be seen by the fans in a generation.
Harry: Look, Elvis is the biggest selling singer in the world. He’s had several big hits in the last couple of years- “Suspicious Minds”, “In The Ghetto” for example- and his gigs in Las Vegas sell out every time. He’s going on tour across the States now and those gigs are selling out, too.
Cubby: I know, but-
Harry: If we get him to sing the song from our movie, it’s a guaranteed hit and will be on the radio for months. He’ll sing it at his gigs, too. The publicity will be incredible!
Cubby: I suppose you’re right, but I’ve just got this feeling.
Harry: Hey, it’ll all be fine!
(The intercom buzzes.)
Secretary: (On intercom.) That’s a Mr Tom Parker to see you, gentlemen.
Voice: (On intercom.) That’s Colonel Tom Parker, ya stupid b*tch..
Secretary: (Still on intercom.) Sorry, Colonel Tom Parker.
Cubby: Show him in, please.
(The door opens and Colonel Tom Parker enters.)
Harry: Welcome, Colonel, it’s nice to see you.
Colonel: Yeah, shove all that. What was it you wanted to ask me about?
Cubby: We’d like to talk to you about a possible deal.
Colonel: Oh, yeah? Lemme guess- you guys want to ask my boy if he’ll sing the song for your next James Bond movie.
Harry: That’s right, and-
Colonel: First we gotta talk money.
Cubby: Money?
Colonel: Cash, dollars, the green stuff. Elvis ain’t just any regular barroom singer, ya know.
Harry: Well, of course, which is why we-
Colonel: How much did you have in mind?
Cubby: We were thinking around half a million dollars.
Colonel: Half a million? (He scoffs.) For that you couldn’t even get me to sing your lousy song.
Harry: What were you thinking?
Colonel: A million dollars upfront plus 25% for me. 50% of the profits from the record, both from the single and the album.
Cubby: (Stunned.) That’s quite a bit more than we-
Colonel: Don’t interrupt me, boy, I ain’t finished. 50% of the profits from your movie.
Harry: 50%???
Cubby: 50% of our profits?
Colonel: Where Elvis concerned, those are OUR profits. You’re guaranteed to bring in thousands more fans just because he’s singin’ the song.
Harry: That’s out of the question, Colonel, we can’t possibly agree to those terms.
Cubby: That’s extortion.
Colonel: Extortion is my business. Go and think it over, gentlemen. I’m busy.
(He heads for the door and leaves. There is a moment’s silence.)
Cubby: Harry?
Harry: (Still stunned.) Yeah?
Cubby: Pass me that book there.
Harry: (Passing the book over.) What are you gonna do, Cubby?
Cubby: (Thumbing through the book.) I’m just checking to make sure I still have Shirley Bassey’s number.
A veterinarian’s surgery. A man approaches the desk. He is wearing a collarless suit and has a scar on his face, running through one eye.
Assistant: Good morning, sir.
Man: Good morning.
Assistant: How may I help you today?
Man: I brought my cat in here yesterday.
Assistant: Oh yes? What was the problem?
Man: Well, he had hurt one of his paws rather badly. Some time ago I fed him some Siamese Fighting Fish-
Assistant: Oooh!
Man: -but more recently I acquired some piranhas, and it seems he got the two kinds of fish mixed up and stuck his paw in the piranha tank.
Assistant: That doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Man: No, it certainly wasn’t which is why I brought him here.
Assistant: I understand. Name, please.
Man: Tiddles.
Assistant: No, your name.
Man: Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Assistant: Let me just see… Oh, this is strange.
Blofeld: What? What is strange?
Assistant: It says here you collected your cat and took him away.
Blofeld: I most certainly did not!
Assistant: Well, it says here you did.
Blofeld: Then why am I standing here?
Assistant: Just give me one moment- Kelda!
(A second assistant approaches.)
Kelda: Yes, Ms McLean?
Ms McLean: Did you see the client who took Tiddles away?
Kelda: Yes, I was the one who took care of it.
Blofeld: And did he give a name?
Kelda: Yes, he said he was Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Blofeld: I’m Ernst Stavro Blofeld!!!
Both Assistants: Ooohh.
Blofeld: What did he look like?
Kelda: Well, he was tall, dark haired, wearing a tuxedo, shpoke like thish-
(Blofeld groans.)
Ms McLean: Do you recognize him, Mr Blofeld?
Blofeld: I’m afraid I do. I don’t suppose you got a look at his car?
Kelda: Why yes, it was very distinctive. A silver grey Aston Martin DB5.
(Blofeld groans again.)
Ms McLean: Is there anything we can do to help?
Blofeld: I don’t think so.
(The phone rings.)
Ms McLean: Hello, Metafictional Vets? …. Just one moment. (She hands the phone to Blofeld.) It’s for you.
Blofeld: For me? (He takes the phone.) Hello?
Voice on Phone: Shalutationsh, Ernsht. Shome pushy problemsh?
(A faint "meow" can be heard in the background.)
Blofeld: You’ll pay for this, Mr Bond- you’ll pay!!!
Alas, this is dedicated to one of my granddaughters whose beloved cat has been taken from her in circumstances very similar to those described above. Not involving Bond, Blofeld, and Aston Martins of course.
1968. Eon HQ, below a hotel in Miami. A secretary sits behind a desk, filing her nails in a bored manner. The telephone rings.
Secretary: Eon Productions Ltd, how can I help you? ….No, I’m sorry, that won’t be possible. Perhaps you could leave your name? …. I’m sorry, could you spell that please? …. L-A-Z-E-N-B-Y …. And the first name again?
1970. Eon HQ, on a yacht near Venice. A secretary sits behind a desk, filing her nails in a bored manner. The telephone rings.
Secretary: Eon Productions Ltd, how can I help you? ….No, I’m sorry, that won’t be possible. Perhaps you could leave your name? …. I’m sorry, could you spell that please? …. L-A-Z-E-N-B-Y …. And the first name again?
2023. The Fiennes household. Ralph is pacing up and down near the telephone, while Mrs Fiennes looks on worriedly.
Mrs Fiennes: Oh Ralph, I wish you’d just sit down.
Ralph: I can’t sit down, I just can’t!
Mrs Fiennes: Look, if they want you then they are going to telephone you. Why don’t you just sit down, my love, and I’ll make you a nice cup of-
Ralph: But that’s just it! How do I know if they want me?
Mrs Fiennes: What do you mean?
Ralph: Look, “Skyfall” was in 2012 and “Spectre” was in 2015.
Mrs Fiennes: Yes, I know.
Ralph: Then they finished “No Time To Die” in 2019 though of course it wasn’t released till 2021.
Mrs Fiennes: Yes, I know.
Ralph: And that was the last I heard from them! They waved goodbye four years ago and I haven’t heard a word from them since! Not a word!
Mrs Fiennes: Well, maybe there isn’t anything to tell you yet.
Ralph: They wouldn’t wait this length of time!
Mrs Fiennes: Maybe they really are just waiting. I’m sure I remember hearing that nice Barbara Broccoli lady being interviewed on the television recently, and she said that they didn’t even have a script yet and hadn’t started casting.
Ralph: Ha! That’s just a cover- I’m sure they’ve cast Colin Firth in my part.
Mrs Fiennes: Colin Firth, Colin Firth- why are you so worried about Colin Firth?
Ralph: Because I played the lead in the third “Kingsman” movie after he played it in the first two. This would be just his perfect way of getting back at me!
Mrs Fiennes: Oh, Ralph, I’m sure he isn’t thinking like that.
Ralph: Oh, you think not?
Mrs Fiennes: You’ve been like this ever since he got an Oscar and you didn’t get one.
Ralph: (Very angry.) Yet!
Mrs Fiennes: (Quickly.) Yes, you’re right, of course I mean you haven’t got one yet.
Ralph: It wasn’t like this back when I was playing Voldemort.
(Mrs Fiennes rolls her eyes, having heard this a thousand times, but wisely says nothing.)
Ralph: I mean, those films came out regular as clockwork every two years. Their cast knew exactly what to expect and weren’t kept waiting, not knowing what was happening, and their audience knew what to expect too. That was a franchise which treated their fans correctly! (All right, I’ll stop there. Again. Barbel)
Mrs Fiennes: Yes, Ralph, but-
(The telephone suddenly rings. From nowhere, Ralph produces a wand.)
Ralph: Accio phonio!
(The phone doesn’t move, and continues to ring.)
Ralph: Oh, yes, right.
(He picks it up.)
Ralph: Hello? ….. Yes? …. Yes, of course …. Yes, see you Monday,
(He hangs up.)
Mrs Fiennes: Was that Eon?
Ralph: No, it was Colin Firth. We’re going to play squash on Monday.
Interviewer: So, Barbel, thank you very much for coming along.
Barbel: Not at all, it’s a pleasure to be here.
Interviewer: Let’s begin by asking your feelings about Eon Productions and their recent release schedule.
Barbel: Listen, I think we should all be very grateful to Michael and Barbara, and let them release James Bond movies as and when they see fit without complaining about it and all the hard work they so clearly put into it.
Interviewer: They inherited the franchise from their father, Cubby Broccoli.
Barbel: Just a lazy hack who happened to be in the right place at the right time. He was lucky to have the visionary Harry Saltzman as a partner.
Interviewer: I see. And, of course, the most recent James Bond was Daniel Craig. How do you feel about that?
Barbel: I believe that he was an excellent choice and he has embodied the character of James Bond to everyone’s satisfaction, mine most of all.
Interviewer: You’ve read all the books, I take it?
Interviewer: It’s well known that you are a music man. What’s your favourite title song?
Barbel: Oh, “Another Way To Die” without a doubt. Such a wonderful melody, with great lyrics, and so well performed.
Interviewer: Some of us know that you have more than once been involved in court cases concerning the authorship of the “James Bond Theme”.
Barbel: That’s true, and I really can’t imagine why anyone would think that Monty Norman didn’t compose it.
Interviewer: Favourite villain?
Barbel: Mathieu Amalric as Mr Greene. Very memorable!
Interviewer: How did you feel about Judi Dench as M?
Barbel: Well, let me tell you, I was very glad to see her go. I would have really hated to see her continue in the part for several more films- which is much the same way as I feel about Pierce Brosnan as Bond.
Interviewer: And is there anything else you’d like to add?
Barbel: Only that today is April 1st and I sincerely hope nobody believes that I really believe that pile of horseshit above.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,641Chief of Staff
edited April 2023
@Barbel - you sure that’s not a double bluff? You are remarkably accurate with your answers 🤔😁
2023. Ian Fleming Publications. Charlie Higson enters.
Publisher: Ah, come in Mr Higson.
Charlie: Thank you- call me Charlie, by the way.
Publisher: No problem- would you like a drink? Perhaps three measures of Gordons, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet, shaken (not stirred) very well until it’s ice-cold, then a large thin slice of lemon peel added?
Charlie: Er… just a coffee, thanks, it’s nine o’clock in the morning.
Publisher: Yes, of course. Don’t know what I was thinking.
Charlie: Well, I do- or at least I can make a guess.
Publisher: Oh yes?
Charlie: You’re wanting me to write more of the Young Bond books.
Publisher: Well...
Charlie: They’re still selling very well and you think a few more might be an idea, only this time with you publishing them.
Publisher: That’s not a bad idea at all, and we may get round to that, but that’s not why I’ve asked you here.
Charlie: Oh? Why then?
Publisher: Back when you were writing the Young Bond books, many people enjoyed them very much and felt that you would be an excellent choice to write a straightforward James Bond book, with Bond an adult.
Charlie: Yes, and I may have said that I wouldn’t mind having a go at it.
Publisher: Just so. Well, Mr Hig… Charlie, now is your chance!
Charlie: What? You don’t mean….?
Publisher: Yes, I certainly do. Now that the rights are with us, we would like to invite you to write a James Bond book.
Charlie: Well, this is a surprise. Let me think about it for about half a second- yes!
Publisher: Excellent! There are, however, one or two little details to go over before we sign a contract, I must add.
Charlie: I thought there might be.
Publisher: Firstly, this is March. We’d like you to have the book written, edited and ready for publication in May.
Charlie: (Surprised, to say the least.) This May?
Publisher: May the 4th to be exact.
Charlie: May the 4th? Is this some sort of “Star Wars” tie-in?
Publisher: “Star Wars”? I don’t understand.
Charlie: “May the 4th be with you”? (He sees the blank look on the publisher’s face.) Never mind, just let it go.
Publisher: There is a very important tie-in however, and it isn’t that one. You do realise that the new King’s coronation is on May the 6th?
Charlie: Yes, of course. And you want this book to be a tie-in to that?
Publisher: Just so.
Charlie: Right, got it. I can see the title already- “Sceptre”! “Queentum Of Solace”! “The Spy Who Crowned Me”! (He sees the unamused look in the Publisher’s eye and stops.) Do you have any better ideas?
Publisher: “On His Majesty’s Secret Service”.
Charlie: Well, that’s not very funny.
Publisher: It isn’t meant to be.
Charlie: “On His Majesty’s Secret Service”… you know, it does have a ring to it.
Publisher: Then you’ll do it?
Charlie: What the hell, yes! After all, you only live…. (He tails off, once again seeing the unamused look on the Publisher’s face.) I mean, what have I got to lose?
Publisher: Excellent. Now, you’d better get started, there’s no time to-
Charlie: (Quickly.) Die?
Publisher: Lose, Cha… Mr Higson.
Charlie: Right then.
(He heads for the door.)
Publisher: Oh, and be very careful with the language! We have a sensitivity reader and you mustn’t use words like-
1969. Eon HQ, under a satellite control installation in Russia. Cubby Broccoli is talking with Peter Hunt, director of OHMSS.
Cubby: No, I’m sorry. I hear what you’re saying, Peter, but you have simply got to cut the film down. Five and a half hours is not acceptable.
Peter: But, Cubby-
Cubby: You remember what we did with “You Only Live Twice”?
Peter: Of course I remember. Lewis Gilbert had handed in a rough cut of nearly seven hours and you told me to cut it down to nearer two.
Cubby: Exactly. We’re in the same situation here.
Peter: Yes, I know, but there’s so much good stuff in this film that I just can’t bear to leave on the cutting room floor.
Cubby: I understand, Peter, I really do, but that’s my final word on it. Now, do you want John Glen to do the cutting down or do you want to do it yourself?
Peter: (Sadly.) We’ll do it together.
(In the cutting room.)
John Glen: So you want me to remove the whole sequence where Bond chases Phidian over the rooftops after the College of Arms scene, then?
Peter: (Glumly.) Yes, take it out.
John: It’s just that I thought it made a nice bit of action after we’d had a lot of talking for the audience to sit through.
Chair: … so we’ve got this James Bond film lined up for next week, right?
Programming Director: Yeah, that’s right- “On Her Majesty’s Something Something”.
Chair: Oh yeah, I remember- that’s the one without the real guy, what’s his name, Seen Canary, being James Bond isn’t it?
Programming: Yeah, it’s some Aussie guy. But the good thing is, it’s got lots of skiing and other winter sports in it so that ties in with our coverage of the Winter Olympics.
Chair: Yeah, that’s good.
Programming: There’s a problem, though.
Chair: What’s that?
Programming: It’s over two hours long, nearly two and a half.
Chair: So? Just edit it.
Programming: You mean, just chop out big chunks of the movie without giving a **** about whether what's left makes any sense or not?
Chair: Yeah, like we usually do.
Programming: Yeah, well, I got a better idea. How about we split it in two parts and run it over two nights?
Chair: It’s not four hours long, ya know.
Programming: I think if we split it at the right points, we can run some of the film twice- there’s a big ski chase late on in the movie and we could run that at the start before getting down to telling the story.
Chair: Huh?
Programming: And then at the start of the second part, we run a long flashback to make sure the viewers know where they are in the story. Throw in the commercials and we can make it two times two hours, easy.
Chair: You’ll need someone clueing the audience in on where they are in the story if you’re gonna do that.
Programming: Yeah, don’t worry.
Chair: You gonna ask the guy who’s playing James Bond?
Programming: Na, we’ll just get somebody else to do it. Who cares?
at least they didnt show it at 1 in the morning like they always did with Casino Royale (the "funny" version), they almost treated OHMSS like a prestige mini-series
Ah yes, the ABC edit. For many it was their introduction to OHMSS and was such a mess it cemented the film's reputation as garbage her in the US. It was only with the release of home video that the narrative slowly started to change.
I remember in college when a local tv station showed Where Eagles Dare split over two nights. So so many commercials.
A thought has just struck me. The ABC edit of OHMSS is the only Bond film in which, stuntmen aside, three actors play James Bond or at least his voice:
1) George Lazenby (well, duh)
2) George Baker (dubs Bond's impersonation of Sir Hilary Bray)
firs time I saw OHMSS would have been in 1978. Between the Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker I saw all of them on teevee, including Casino Royale (the "funny" version) (which I indeed had to stay up til 4am to watch). It was not split into two parts then, and I'm assuming it was on ABC. So they must have corrected their mistake within two years.
the Godfather is a film which is used to be shown over multiple nights, reedited with its sequel so its all in chronological order (ie the flashbacks in pt2 precede pt1). That I assumed was done with Coppola's approval, it seemed more carefully thought out than what was supposedly done to OHMSS.
Comments
Britain has Hello Fresh? I see Bond's diet has swung completely towards Bond circa Never Say Never Again.
I'll have Bond's vegetarian meal if he's not going to eat it, it sounds yummy.
W_D- Yes, it's advertised heavily. I've never spent any money on it and don't intend to.
cp- Too late, Bride Of Barbel has already claimed it.
1977. A hairdressers, in London. A man walks furtively in, looking either side in case he’s spotted. He’s tall and is wearing a pulled down hat and a scarf, despite it being a warm day, and a coat with the collars turned up.
Hairdresser: Good morning sir, how may I help you?
Man: (Speaking in obviously false voice.) Er, yes, I was looking for some… (He lowers his voice to a whisper.) ...hair dye.
Hairdresser: (Out loud.) Hair dye?
Man: Ssh, ssh, please be quiet. Yes, I’m needing some… (His voice lowers again.) ...hair dye. Would you happen to have some?
Hairdresser: Yes, of course, sir. What colour are you looking for?
Man: Something like this.
(He carefully pulls a lock of hair from his pocket and hands it over to the hairdresser, who examines it minutely.)
Hairdresser: Ah yes, fair/blond shade 7.
Man: Have you got any?
Hairdresser: Ah, no, sir, they stopped making that particular shade just recently.
Man: (Very worried.) Oh, no, that’s not what I wanted to hear at all.
Hairdresser: But don’t worry, sir, we do still have fair/blond shade 8.
Man: Shade 8?
Hairdresser: Yes, it’s a little darker.
Man: Oh, dear.
Hairdresser: But no-one should notice that unless they examine it very closely.
Man: Are you sure?
Hairdresser: Oh yes, of course.
Man: Then I’d like to buy some, please.
Hairdresser: Certainly. Just a few moments, please.
(She goes to the storeroom at the back of the establishment. The man waits nervously, jumping every time someone walks by outside. Finally the hairdresser returns.)
Hairdresser: Here you are, sir.
Man: Thank you.
(The hairdresser hands it over and the man pays for it.)
Man: (Leaving.) Bye, now. And thanks again.
Hairdresser: Not at all, Mr Moore, glad to be of service.
(The man looks at her, startled, then runs off. Awkwardly.)
Sir Rog's hair colour took a definite turn to the dark side between TMWTGG and TSWLM. Only people with too much time on their hands who watch these movies a ridiculous number of times (like... me 😔) are likely to notice.
1964. Jonathan Cape, Publisher. Ian Fleming enters.
Publisher: Ah, there you are, Ian. Thanks for coming in, would you care for a drink?
Fleming: How many years have we known each other?
Publisher: Yes, of course. Silly question.
(He moves to the drinks cabinet.)
Fleming: At least you’re not asking me what I want to drink.
Publisher: Oh, that I know. Three measures of….
(He begins mixing a drink familiar to anyone reading this.)
Fleming: Anyway, what was it you wanted to ask me?
Publisher: It’s about that latest book of yours.
Fleming: “You Only Live Twice”. What about it?
Publisher: I enjoyed it very much.
Fleming: That’s good to hear.
Publisher: But I do have one or two little… suggestions?
Fleming: And what would these little… suggestions be?
Publisher: Well, I liked when you had Blofeld die- that was a highpoint.
Fleming: Thank you, I worked hard at that.
Publisher: It was so much of a highpoint that I’d like to see more.
Fleming: More?
Publisher: Yes. How about you have Felix Leiter die as well?
Fleming: (Eyes open wide.) Felix?
Publisher: Yes, since you’re going to kill off Blofeld, Bond’s greatest enemy, you might as well kill off Felix, his greatest friend.
Fleming: But Felix isn’t even in this book!
Publisher: A minor problem for a man of your talents. Just write him in.
Fleming: (Reluctantly.) I suppose I could find an excuse for him to be on the scene….
Publisher: That’s the spirit!
Fleming: Well, I’d better get on with that then. Thanks for the drink, and -
Publisher: Hey, slow down, there! I did say I had more than one suggestion for you.
Fleming: (Warily.) Yes, you did. What do you have in mind?
Publisher: You remember that Kissy was pregnant at the end of the book?
Fleming: Of course, and Bond doesn’t know that when he leaves her.
Publisher: Yes, well, how about Bond comes back and finds her with a little girl?
Fleming: I beg your pardon?
Publisher: They have a child together, a little girl. It comes as a big surprise to Bond, and it’ll come as a big surprise to the fans.
Fleming: It comes as a big surprise to me!
Publisher: Then you’ll do that?
Fleming: (Sighing.) Yes, I’ll do that. Is that all?
Publisher: Well, there’s just one more thing…
Fleming: This had better be the last!
Publisher: Definitely.
(The Publisher pauses.)
Fleming: What is it, then?
Publisher: We’d like you to… to...
Fleming: (Starting to become worried.) What? You’d like me to what?
Publisher: (Taking a deep breath.) We’d like you to kill Bond off at the end of the story.
Fleming: I’m sorry, I must have misheard you. You’d like me to do what?
Publisher: Kill Bond off.
Fleming: You can’t be serious.
Publisher: Oh yes. This will be the perfect ending.
Fleming: (Blinking rapidly.) And after he’s dead?
Publisher: (Getting excitedly carried away.) You could have a scene with Kissy and the little girl, and Kissy is telling her about her father saying “Let me tell you about a man called Bond, James Bond”.
Fleming: What????
Publisher: I think it would be great.
Fleming: And then what, after I kill Bond?
Publisher: Oh, you wait.
Fleming: How long should I wait? Usually I write a book every year. Shall I wait two years?
Publisher: No, no, no. Let’s make them wait four years. Or five… Or six…
Fleming: (Standing up.) I think they should only wait until I get a better publisher!
And this is why Fleming died soon thereafter.
Producer: So, you’ve been picked as the spokesman?
Writer: That’s right, there are a lot of us so somebody had to do the talking.
Producer: Go ahead then, I’m keen to hear what you’ve all come up with.
Writer: James Bond has retired, still in his 50s, after an unhappy love affair, to an idyllic home. He is approached to come back to work- he’s initially reluctant but then agrees. The villains make an attempt to kill him early in the story while he’s in his car, but he survives.
Producer: So far, so good.
Writer: The main actress also had the female lead in an earlier Bond movie, and there is some dubiety as to her character's loyalty. His old number, 007, is given to a younger agent or agents. He finds out more about M than he has known before. Miss Moneypenny is of course invaluable to him and his work.
Producer: Of course.
Writer: Important to the plot is that Bond has a daughter he's never seen by the lady in the unhappy love affair mentioned above. They meet, and begin to make up for lost time in their relationship.
Producer: That sounds interesting.
Writer: Don’t worry, it won’t be. The traditional main villain is killed well before the end of the story, a younger villain who had arranged this taking his place and who has a plan to kill major parts of the population of the world by some sort of vague scientific method. This villain kidnaps Bond’s daughter, obliging him to trail the villain to his base (full of tunnels and strange rooms) where they face each other for the first time in the movie followed by a lot of fighting, Bond with a machine gun at some point.
Producer: Okay.
Writer: Bond dies when the villain's lair explodes at the end of the story, other major characters you might not expect to die during the film also, though the world is saved.
Producer: Of course… wait a minute, did you say Bond dies?
Writer: Yes, that’s the idea.
Producer: It’s very daring.
Writer: How’s the casting going?
Producer: It changes all the time. First we’ve got David Niven as Bond, then we’ve got Peter Sellers, then Woody Allen. I might as well have them all playing James Bond!
Writer: That’s a crazy idea.
Producer: Hey, you started it!
(This is a rewrite of a post I came up with some time ago, but I think it's worth pointing out the similarities between CR67 and NTTD as often as I can get away with.)
so @Barbel which version of the story do you like better? Casino Royale (the "funny" version) or No Time to Die?
Strangely enough, @caractacus potts, I believe it's NTTD. It does have some good parts which don't need defending (eg Paloma) .... oh wait, so does the other one....
I've never thought about CR'67 and NTTD in that way before, but the similarities are there.
NTTD is a difficult and very devisive movie, but I can't help liking it. I wonder if NTTD is the OHMMS of this age and I wonder how the movie will be seen by the fans in a generation.
@Number24, this is in response to your comment yesterday in Thought : A Bond Theme sung by Elvis Presley — ajb007
1971. Eon HQ, under a missile base in China.
Cubby: I’m not sure about this, Harry.
Harry: Just relax, this is a great idea!
Cubby: Well…
Harry: Look, Elvis is the biggest selling singer in the world. He’s had several big hits in the last couple of years- “Suspicious Minds”, “In The Ghetto” for example- and his gigs in Las Vegas sell out every time. He’s going on tour across the States now and those gigs are selling out, too.
Cubby: I know, but-
Harry: If we get him to sing the song from our movie, it’s a guaranteed hit and will be on the radio for months. He’ll sing it at his gigs, too. The publicity will be incredible!
Cubby: I suppose you’re right, but I’ve just got this feeling.
Harry: Hey, it’ll all be fine!
(The intercom buzzes.)
Secretary: (On intercom.) That’s a Mr Tom Parker to see you, gentlemen.
Voice: (On intercom.) That’s Colonel Tom Parker, ya stupid b*tch..
Secretary: (Still on intercom.) Sorry, Colonel Tom Parker.
Cubby: Show him in, please.
(The door opens and Colonel Tom Parker enters.)
Harry: Welcome, Colonel, it’s nice to see you.
Colonel: Yeah, shove all that. What was it you wanted to ask me about?
Cubby: We’d like to talk to you about a possible deal.
Colonel: Oh, yeah? Lemme guess- you guys want to ask my boy if he’ll sing the song for your next James Bond movie.
Harry: That’s right, and-
Colonel: First we gotta talk money.
Cubby: Money?
Colonel: Cash, dollars, the green stuff. Elvis ain’t just any regular barroom singer, ya know.
Harry: Well, of course, which is why we-
Colonel: How much did you have in mind?
Cubby: We were thinking around half a million dollars.
Colonel: Half a million? (He scoffs.) For that you couldn’t even get me to sing your lousy song.
Harry: What were you thinking?
Colonel: A million dollars upfront plus 25% for me. 50% of the profits from the record, both from the single and the album.
Cubby: (Stunned.) That’s quite a bit more than we-
Colonel: Don’t interrupt me, boy, I ain’t finished. 50% of the profits from your movie.
Harry: 50%???
Cubby: 50% of our profits?
Colonel: Where Elvis concerned, those are OUR profits. You’re guaranteed to bring in thousands more fans just because he’s singin’ the song.
Harry: That’s out of the question, Colonel, we can’t possibly agree to those terms.
Cubby: That’s extortion.
Colonel: Extortion is my business. Go and think it over, gentlemen. I’m busy.
(He heads for the door and leaves. There is a moment’s silence.)
Cubby: Harry?
Harry: (Still stunned.) Yeah?
Cubby: Pass me that book there.
Harry: (Passing the book over.) What are you gonna do, Cubby?
Cubby: (Thumbing through the book.) I’m just checking to make sure I still have Shirley Bassey’s number.
😂😂😂
A veterinarian’s surgery. A man approaches the desk. He is wearing a collarless suit and has a scar on his face, running through one eye.
Assistant: Good morning, sir.
Man: Good morning.
Assistant: How may I help you today?
Man: I brought my cat in here yesterday.
Assistant: Oh yes? What was the problem?
Man: Well, he had hurt one of his paws rather badly. Some time ago I fed him some Siamese Fighting Fish-
Assistant: Oooh!
Man: -but more recently I acquired some piranhas, and it seems he got the two kinds of fish mixed up and stuck his paw in the piranha tank.
Assistant: That doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Man: No, it certainly wasn’t which is why I brought him here.
Assistant: I understand. Name, please.
Man: Tiddles.
Assistant: No, your name.
Man: Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Assistant: Let me just see… Oh, this is strange.
Blofeld: What? What is strange?
Assistant: It says here you collected your cat and took him away.
Blofeld: I most certainly did not!
Assistant: Well, it says here you did.
Blofeld: Then why am I standing here?
Assistant: Just give me one moment- Kelda!
(A second assistant approaches.)
Kelda: Yes, Ms McLean?
Ms McLean: Did you see the client who took Tiddles away?
Kelda: Yes, I was the one who took care of it.
Blofeld: And did he give a name?
Kelda: Yes, he said he was Ernst Stavro Blofeld.
Blofeld: I’m Ernst Stavro Blofeld!!!
Both Assistants: Ooohh.
Blofeld: What did he look like?
Kelda: Well, he was tall, dark haired, wearing a tuxedo, shpoke like thish-
(Blofeld groans.)
Ms McLean: Do you recognize him, Mr Blofeld?
Blofeld: I’m afraid I do. I don’t suppose you got a look at his car?
Kelda: Why yes, it was very distinctive. A silver grey Aston Martin DB5.
(Blofeld groans again.)
Ms McLean: Is there anything we can do to help?
Blofeld: I don’t think so.
(The phone rings.)
Ms McLean: Hello, Metafictional Vets? …. Just one moment. (She hands the phone to Blofeld.) It’s for you.
Blofeld: For me? (He takes the phone.) Hello?
Voice on Phone: Shalutationsh, Ernsht. Shome pushy problemsh?
(A faint "meow" can be heard in the background.)
Blofeld: You’ll pay for this, Mr Bond- you’ll pay!!!
Alas, this is dedicated to one of my granddaughters whose beloved cat has been taken from her in circumstances very similar to those described above. Not involving Bond, Blofeld, and Aston Martins of course.
Pick a year. Home of Bond Fan. He and his son are watching “From Russia With Love”.
About 15 or 20 minutes in.
Son: This is boring, it’s just a lot of talk.
Bond Fan: Look, this is exposition, you have to understand all this for the rest of the story to work.
Son: I’m bored, let’s watch something else.
Bond Fan: Quiet! Just keep watching.
About 30 or 40 minutes in.
Son: When does the car chase start?
Bond Fan: There isn’t a car chase.
Son: There’s always a car chase!
Bond Fan: Quiet! Just keep watching.
About an hour in.
Father: You see, this guy here-
Son: Quiet! I’m watching.
(Bond Fan smiles happily to himself.)
Just under two hours in.
Bond Fan: Well, that’s it.
Son: Can we watch another one?
Bond Fan: (Very contented now that his boy has come round to his way of thinking.) Well, I don’t see why not. Let me just--
Bride Of Bond Fan: No you can’t! Time for bed!
Son/Father: Aw……
1968. Eon HQ, below a hotel in Miami. A secretary sits behind a desk, filing her nails in a bored manner. The telephone rings.
Secretary: Eon Productions Ltd, how can I help you? ….No, I’m sorry, that won’t be possible. Perhaps you could leave your name? …. I’m sorry, could you spell that please? …. L-A-Z-E-N-B-Y …. And the first name again?
------------------------------------------------------------------
1970. Eon HQ, on a yacht near Venice. A secretary sits behind a desk, filing her nails in a bored manner. The telephone rings.
Secretary: Eon Productions Ltd, how can I help you? ….No, I’m sorry, that won’t be possible. Perhaps you could leave your name? …. I’m sorry, could you spell that please? …. L-A-Z-E-N-B-Y …. And the first name again?
2023. The Fiennes household. Ralph is pacing up and down near the telephone, while Mrs Fiennes looks on worriedly.
Mrs Fiennes: Oh Ralph, I wish you’d just sit down.
Ralph: I can’t sit down, I just can’t!
Mrs Fiennes: Look, if they want you then they are going to telephone you. Why don’t you just sit down, my love, and I’ll make you a nice cup of-
Ralph: But that’s just it! How do I know if they want me?
Mrs Fiennes: What do you mean?
Ralph: Look, “Skyfall” was in 2012 and “Spectre” was in 2015.
Mrs Fiennes: Yes, I know.
Ralph: Then they finished “No Time To Die” in 2019 though of course it wasn’t released till 2021.
Mrs Fiennes: Yes, I know.
Ralph: And that was the last I heard from them! They waved goodbye four years ago and I haven’t heard a word from them since! Not a word!
Mrs Fiennes: Well, maybe there isn’t anything to tell you yet.
Ralph: They wouldn’t wait this length of time!
Mrs Fiennes: Maybe they really are just waiting. I’m sure I remember hearing that nice Barbara Broccoli lady being interviewed on the television recently, and she said that they didn’t even have a script yet and hadn’t started casting.
Ralph: Ha! That’s just a cover- I’m sure they’ve cast Colin Firth in my part.
Mrs Fiennes: Colin Firth, Colin Firth- why are you so worried about Colin Firth?
Ralph: Because I played the lead in the third “Kingsman” movie after he played it in the first two. This would be just his perfect way of getting back at me!
Mrs Fiennes: Oh, Ralph, I’m sure he isn’t thinking like that.
Ralph: Oh, you think not?
Mrs Fiennes: You’ve been like this ever since he got an Oscar and you didn’t get one.
Ralph: (Very angry.) Yet!
Mrs Fiennes: (Quickly.) Yes, you’re right, of course I mean you haven’t got one yet.
Ralph: It wasn’t like this back when I was playing Voldemort.
(Mrs Fiennes rolls her eyes, having heard this a thousand times, but wisely says nothing.)
Ralph: I mean, those films came out regular as clockwork every two years. Their cast knew exactly what to expect and weren’t kept waiting, not knowing what was happening, and their audience knew what to expect too. That was a franchise which treated their fans correctly! (All right, I’ll stop there. Again. Barbel)
Mrs Fiennes: Yes, Ralph, but-
(The telephone suddenly rings. From nowhere, Ralph produces a wand.)
Ralph: Accio phonio!
(The phone doesn’t move, and continues to ring.)
Ralph: Oh, yes, right.
(He picks it up.)
Ralph: Hello? ….. Yes? …. Yes, of course …. Yes, see you Monday,
(He hangs up.)
Mrs Fiennes: Was that Eon?
Ralph: No, it was Colin Firth. We’re going to play squash on Monday.
Interviewer: So, Barbel, thank you very much for coming along.
Barbel: Not at all, it’s a pleasure to be here.
Interviewer: Let’s begin by asking your feelings about Eon Productions and their recent release schedule.
Barbel: Listen, I think we should all be very grateful to Michael and Barbara, and let them release James Bond movies as and when they see fit without complaining about it and all the hard work they so clearly put into it.
Interviewer: They inherited the franchise from their father, Cubby Broccoli.
Barbel: Just a lazy hack who happened to be in the right place at the right time. He was lucky to have the visionary Harry Saltzman as a partner.
Interviewer: I see. And, of course, the most recent James Bond was Daniel Craig. How do you feel about that?
Barbel: I believe that he was an excellent choice and he has embodied the character of James Bond to everyone’s satisfaction, mine most of all.
Interviewer: You’ve read all the books, I take it?
Barbel: Oh yes. Gardner, Benson, Horowitz- anyone except Fleming!
Interviewer: It’s well known that you are a music man. What’s your favourite title song?
Barbel: Oh, “Another Way To Die” without a doubt. Such a wonderful melody, with great lyrics, and so well performed.
Interviewer: Some of us know that you have more than once been involved in court cases concerning the authorship of the “James Bond Theme”.
Barbel: That’s true, and I really can’t imagine why anyone would think that Monty Norman didn’t compose it.
Interviewer: Favourite villain?
Barbel: Mathieu Amalric as Mr Greene. Very memorable!
Interviewer: How did you feel about Judi Dench as M?
Barbel: Well, let me tell you, I was very glad to see her go. I would have really hated to see her continue in the part for several more films- which is much the same way as I feel about Pierce Brosnan as Bond.
Interviewer: And is there anything else you’d like to add?
Barbel: Only that today is April 1st and I sincerely hope nobody believes that I really believe that pile of horseshit above.
@Barbel - you sure that’s not a double bluff? You are remarkably accurate with your answers 🤔😁
😂😂😂 You mean YOUR answers, cos some of them could be direct quotes!
Bizarro Barbel do everything opposite of silly Earth Barbel
😏🤣
@caractacus potts - that was a pleasant burst of nostalgia, seeing Bizarro. I haven't read those comics in years!
'On His Majesty's Secret Service' by Charlie Higson (2023) — ajb007
2023. Ian Fleming Publications. Charlie Higson enters.
Publisher: Ah, come in Mr Higson.
Charlie: Thank you- call me Charlie, by the way.
Publisher: No problem- would you like a drink? Perhaps three measures of Gordons, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet, shaken (not stirred) very well until it’s ice-cold, then a large thin slice of lemon peel added?
Charlie: Er… just a coffee, thanks, it’s nine o’clock in the morning.
Publisher: Yes, of course. Don’t know what I was thinking.
Charlie: Well, I do- or at least I can make a guess.
Publisher: Oh yes?
Charlie: You’re wanting me to write more of the Young Bond books.
Publisher: Well...
Charlie: They’re still selling very well and you think a few more might be an idea, only this time with you publishing them.
Publisher: That’s not a bad idea at all, and we may get round to that, but that’s not why I’ve asked you here.
Charlie: Oh? Why then?
Publisher: Back when you were writing the Young Bond books, many people enjoyed them very much and felt that you would be an excellent choice to write a straightforward James Bond book, with Bond an adult.
Charlie: Yes, and I may have said that I wouldn’t mind having a go at it.
Publisher: Just so. Well, Mr Hig… Charlie, now is your chance!
Charlie: What? You don’t mean….?
Publisher: Yes, I certainly do. Now that the rights are with us, we would like to invite you to write a James Bond book.
Charlie: Well, this is a surprise. Let me think about it for about half a second- yes!
Publisher: Excellent! There are, however, one or two little details to go over before we sign a contract, I must add.
Charlie: I thought there might be.
Publisher: Firstly, this is March. We’d like you to have the book written, edited and ready for publication in May.
Charlie: (Surprised, to say the least.) This May?
Publisher: May the 4th to be exact.
Charlie: May the 4th? Is this some sort of “Star Wars” tie-in?
Publisher: “Star Wars”? I don’t understand.
Charlie: “May the 4th be with you”? (He sees the blank look on the publisher’s face.) Never mind, just let it go.
Publisher: There is a very important tie-in however, and it isn’t that one. You do realise that the new King’s coronation is on May the 6th?
Charlie: Yes, of course. And you want this book to be a tie-in to that?
Publisher: Just so.
Charlie: Right, got it. I can see the title already- “Sceptre”! “Queentum Of Solace”! “The Spy Who Crowned Me”! (He sees the unamused look in the Publisher’s eye and stops.) Do you have any better ideas?
Publisher: “On His Majesty’s Secret Service”.
Charlie: Well, that’s not very funny.
Publisher: It isn’t meant to be.
Charlie: “On His Majesty’s Secret Service”… you know, it does have a ring to it.
Publisher: Then you’ll do it?
Charlie: What the hell, yes! After all, you only live…. (He tails off, once again seeing the unamused look on the Publisher’s face.) I mean, what have I got to lose?
Publisher: Excellent. Now, you’d better get started, there’s no time to-
Charlie: (Quickly.) Die?
Publisher: Lose, Cha… Mr Higson.
Charlie: Right then.
(He heads for the door.)
Publisher: Oh, and be very careful with the language! We have a sensitivity reader and you mustn’t use words like-
(But Charlie has gone.)
Gumbold/Blofeld - Page 2 — ajb007
1969. Eon HQ, under a satellite control installation in Russia. Cubby Broccoli is talking with Peter Hunt, director of OHMSS.
Cubby: No, I’m sorry. I hear what you’re saying, Peter, but you have simply got to cut the film down. Five and a half hours is not acceptable.
Peter: But, Cubby-
Cubby: You remember what we did with “You Only Live Twice”?
Peter: Of course I remember. Lewis Gilbert had handed in a rough cut of nearly seven hours and you told me to cut it down to nearer two.
Cubby: Exactly. We’re in the same situation here.
Peter: Yes, I know, but there’s so much good stuff in this film that I just can’t bear to leave on the cutting room floor.
Cubby: I understand, Peter, I really do, but that’s my final word on it. Now, do you want John Glen to do the cutting down or do you want to do it yourself?
Peter: (Sadly.) We’ll do it together.
(In the cutting room.)
John Glen: So you want me to remove the whole sequence where Bond chases Phidian over the rooftops after the College of Arms scene, then?
Peter: (Glumly.) Yes, take it out.
John: It’s just that I thought it made a nice bit of action after we’d had a lot of talking for the audience to sit through.
Peter: Yes, I agree, but out it comes.
John: All right, then. (Snip, snip.) It’s gone. Anything else, Peter?
Peter: Yes, I’m afraid so. Take out the scene where we explain exactly who Shaun Campbell is and what he’s doing.
John: But then the audience will just see this guy doing things and not know who he is, and whether he’s one of Draco’s men or one of M’s.
Peter: I know, but we’ve got a lot of cutting to do.
John: If you insist. (Snip, snip.) Now what?
Peter: Take out the line where Sir Hilary tells Bond about the connection between Blofeld and Gumbold.
John: Are you sure? I’m pretty sure that was in the book and it’s a link in the plot.
Peter: Yes, take it out. I’m sure the audience will figure it out.
John: Or even not notice for at least fifty years!
(Both laugh.)
😁
For @caractacus potts
1976. ABC TV, USA.
Chair: … so we’ve got this James Bond film lined up for next week, right?
Programming Director: Yeah, that’s right- “On Her Majesty’s Something Something”.
Chair: Oh yeah, I remember- that’s the one without the real guy, what’s his name, Seen Canary, being James Bond isn’t it?
Programming: Yeah, it’s some Aussie guy. But the good thing is, it’s got lots of skiing and other winter sports in it so that ties in with our coverage of the Winter Olympics.
Chair: Yeah, that’s good.
Programming: There’s a problem, though.
Chair: What’s that?
Programming: It’s over two hours long, nearly two and a half.
Chair: So? Just edit it.
Programming: You mean, just chop out big chunks of the movie without giving a **** about whether what's left makes any sense or not?
Chair: Yeah, like we usually do.
Programming: Yeah, well, I got a better idea. How about we split it in two parts and run it over two nights?
Chair: It’s not four hours long, ya know.
Programming: I think if we split it at the right points, we can run some of the film twice- there’s a big ski chase late on in the movie and we could run that at the start before getting down to telling the story.
Chair: Huh?
Programming: And then at the start of the second part, we run a long flashback to make sure the viewers know where they are in the story. Throw in the commercials and we can make it two times two hours, easy.
Chair: You’ll need someone clueing the audience in on where they are in the story if you’re gonna do that.
Programming: Yeah, don’t worry.
Chair: You gonna ask the guy who’s playing James Bond?
Programming: Na, we’ll just get somebody else to do it. Who cares?
thanks @Barbel @boss , that sounds about right
at least they didnt show it at 1 in the morning like they always did with Casino Royale (the "funny" version), they almost treated OHMSS like a prestige mini-series
Ah yes, the ABC edit. For many it was their introduction to OHMSS and was such a mess it cemented the film's reputation as garbage her in the US. It was only with the release of home video that the narrative slowly started to change.
I remember in college when a local tv station showed Where Eagles Dare split over two nights. So so many commercials.
Cheers, guys, and of course thanks to @chrisno1.
A thought has just struck me. The ABC edit of OHMSS is the only Bond film in which, stuntmen aside, three actors play James Bond or at least his voice:
1) George Lazenby (well, duh)
2) George Baker (dubs Bond's impersonation of Sir Hilary Bray)
3) Alexander Scourby (narrates the ABC edit)
Of such things are trivia questions made.
firs time I saw OHMSS would have been in 1978. Between the Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker I saw all of them on teevee, including Casino Royale (the "funny" version) (which I indeed had to stay up til 4am to watch). It was not split into two parts then, and I'm assuming it was on ABC. So they must have corrected their mistake within two years.
the Godfather is a film which is used to be shown over multiple nights, reedited with its sequel so its all in chronological order (ie the flashbacks in pt2 precede pt1). That I assumed was done with Coppola's approval, it seemed more carefully thought out than what was supposedly done to OHMSS.