"Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
edited October 2021 in Off Topic Chat
To lighten the mood on AJB, I thought that a Jokes Thread would be a great idea that I don't think has ever been suggested here before.

Here are a few (ironic) jokes to start with:

My friend John was rushed into hospital after swallowing a sponge. He's going to be alright, it's just that he's always thirsty! (A German joke)

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I think that I'm a pair of curtains
Doctor: Well, that seems to me to be a mental health problem and I only deal with physical ailments

What wobbles when it flies?
A Jellycopter

A man forgets his tie on a night out to a nightclub. He takes the crocodile clip starters from his car and ties them around his neck instead. At the door to the nightclub the bouncer says to him "Alright, I'll let you in, but don't be starting anything!"

Can AJB members come up with some original jokes hopefully better than these (won't be too hard)?! :))
"The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
«1345

Comments

  • Napoleon PluralNapoleon Plural LondonPosts: 9,715MI6 Agent
    Does it bother you that we're so serious all the time Mr Silhouette Man?

    Would you like us to tell you a joke?
    "This is where we leave you Mr Bond."

    Roger Moore 1927-2017
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    whats red, turns round and round and bangs on the window?
    a baby in a microwave

    what's the difference between a jimm'll fix it badge and my dead cat?
    nothing, they're both sitting in pride of place on my mantlepiece
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    This thread was closed when I posted it over on CBn, so I had to do a nifty little bit of editing!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    whats red, turns round and round and bangs on the window?
    a baby in a microwave

    what's the difference between a jimm'll fix it badge and my dead cat?
    nothing, they're both sitting in pride of place on my mantlepiece

    Ha! Ha! Truly sick as always, minigeff! :))

    And, Mr Plural - you're not serious enough here, I'd say! :)
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    How does a Wookie wipe his bum?
    very carefully
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • DaltonFan1DaltonFan1 The West of IrelandPosts: 503MI6 Agent
    Frozen apples

    They're hardcore
    “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.” - Carl Jung
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    DaltonFan1 wrote:
    Frozen apples

    They're hardcore

    2075901-tumbleweed.jpg
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    DaltonFan1 wrote:
    Frozen apples

    They're hardcore

    2075901-tumbleweed.jpg

    minigeff, you are a comic genius!

    I can just hear the church bell chiming in the distance!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    :)) comical genius :)) funny fucker.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    :)) comical genius :)) funny fucker.

    The 'expletives' censor on AJB certainly seems to be working!

    confused.com
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    :)) comical genius :)) funny fucker.

    The 'expletives' censor on AJB certainly seems to be working!

    confused.com

    Rhymes with 'mucker'. :))
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    Yeah, I saw it in the field when I quoted your post!

    Naughty, naughty!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • JarvioJarvio EnglandPosts: 4,232MI6 Agent
    You may have heard these before, and they're probably not even that good, but what the hell, may as well up my post count:

    A man flashes his private parts in front of three old women. Two of them have a stroke. The other one just can't reach.

    Two rats are in the sewer. One says "I'm sick of eating **** all day". The other one replies "I agree, let's go on the piss".
    1 - LALD, 2 - AVTAK, 3 - OP, 4 - LTK, 5 - NTTD, 6 - FYEO, 7 - SF, 8 - DN, 9 - DAF, 10 - TSWLM, 11 - OHMSS, 12 - TMWTGG, 13 - GE, 14 - MR, 15 - TLD, 16 - YOLT, 17 - GF, 18 - DAD, 19 - TWINE, 20 - SP, 21 - TND, 22 - TB, 23 - FRWL, 24 - QOS, 25 - CR

    1 - Moore, 2 - Dalton, 3 - Craig, 4 - Connery, 5 - Brosnan, 6 - Lazenby
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,739MI6 Agent
    Some Old ones,


    One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

    If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

    Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.

    So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

    Guns don't kill people... but they sure make it easy.
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    Little johny lives with his mum, dad and gran.

    One night, johny needs to pee, so off he goes to the craphouse. He walks in on his mum just as she gets out the bath. "Mummy, what's the furry thing between your legs?" Asks johny.

    Johny's mum is a bit startled, panics a bit and replies "oh, that's erm... that just my little hedgehog". "Oh, ok" says johny, he has his piss and buggers off.

    The next night johny goes to the loo once more, only this time he walks in on his gran as she's getting out the shower. Gran is a bit shocked and freezes. "Don't worry gran" johny beams "I know exactly what that is between your legs!" States johny proudly.

    "It's your hedgehog isn't it?" Queries johny. Taken aback by the situation, johny's gran agrees. "Er, yes, that's right, it's my erm... hedgehog".

    "I know gran, AND i think it must be dead"

    "What makes you think that johny?" Asks gran.

    "We'll it's guts are all hanging out."
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • JarvioJarvio EnglandPosts: 4,232MI6 Agent
    Moonraker is the most realistic bond film
    1 - LALD, 2 - AVTAK, 3 - OP, 4 - LTK, 5 - NTTD, 6 - FYEO, 7 - SF, 8 - DN, 9 - DAF, 10 - TSWLM, 11 - OHMSS, 12 - TMWTGG, 13 - GE, 14 - MR, 15 - TLD, 16 - YOLT, 17 - GF, 18 - DAD, 19 - TWINE, 20 - SP, 21 - TND, 22 - TB, 23 - FRWL, 24 - QOS, 25 - CR

    1 - Moore, 2 - Dalton, 3 - Craig, 4 - Connery, 5 - Brosnan, 6 - Lazenby
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    Jarvio wrote:
    Moonraker is the most realistic bond film

    True Story. -{
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Napoleon PluralNapoleon Plural LondonPosts: 9,715MI6 Agent
    Isn't minigeff a charmer.
    "This is where we leave you Mr Bond."

    Roger Moore 1927-2017
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    Isn't minigeff a charmer.

    flattery, oh baby where you been? ;%
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    Isn't minigeff a charmer.

    flattery, oh baby where you been? ;%

    I think I'm going to be sick after that 'joke'.
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    Isn't minigeff a charmer.

    flattery, oh baby where you been? ;%

    I think I'm going to be sick after that 'joke'.

    That's nothing, google 'blue waffle'.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • scottmu65scottmu65 Carlisle, Cumbria, UKPosts: 402MI6 Agent
    Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:
    'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

    Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

    Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

    The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

    Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

    Made me laugh anyway...
    http://www.classicbondforums.tk - Please support our community.
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    edited November 2012
    scottmu65 wrote:
    Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:
    'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

    Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

    Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

    The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

    Another Stewart Lee fan on the boards - yeah!

    Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

    Made me laugh anyway...

    Wow! Another Stewart Lee fan on here - that makes two of us!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    scottmu65 wrote:
    Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:
    'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

    Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

    Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

    The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

    Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

    Made me laugh anyway...

    :))

    The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

    However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

    MG
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    scottmu65 wrote:
    Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:
    'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

    Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

    Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

    The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

    Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

    Made me laugh anyway...

    :))

    The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

    However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

    MG

    Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?

    He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.

    I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff. :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    scottmu65 wrote:
    Will probably divide opinion but here's my joke of the year:
    'The Amazing Spider-man (2012)'

    Another taken from the very funny Stewart Lee who attepted to write a joke that Joe Pasquale could never steal:

    Joe Pasquale goes into a bar. He says to the Barman, 'I'd like a pint of beer please.',

    The barman replies, 'Why don't you just come around to the bar, help yourself to the beer and then walk off without paying for it, after all, you, are Joe Pasquale. Or perhaps send in someone else to steal the beer for you and then deny that beer can actually be owned, say that you find the very concept of the ownership of beer hard to understand, or better yet, insist that it is your beer and the you brewed it at home, in your house, even though your home lacks the most rudementary of brewing facilities...'

    Here's the vid: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YE9Kthyaco

    Made me laugh anyway...

    :))

    The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

    However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

    MG

    Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?

    He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.

    I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff. :))

    Roy Chubby Brown?

    I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    minigeff wrote:

    :))

    The joke itself is crap, but it's meant to be.

    However, watch the full clip and all makes much more funny sense. Nice one, made me chuckle too.

    MG

    Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?

    He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.

    I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff. :))

    Roy Chubby Brown?

    I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.

    So, I take it you're not a fan, then? How about the Big Yin, Billy Connolly?
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:

    Yes, he's a comedian who only has two jokes (and sometimes none) in his stand-up routine - what's that about?

    He's brilliant, but he's an acquired taste.

    I imagine that Roy 'Chubby' Brown and his X-rated shows would be much more up your street, minigeff. :))

    Roy Chubby Brown?

    I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.

    So, I take it you're not a fan, then? How about the Big Yin, Billy Connolly?

    I'd rather rip the other ball out and swap it for a hand grenade
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,893MI6 Agent
    minigeff wrote:
    minigeff wrote:

    Roy Chubby Brown?

    I'd rather tear a bollock out my scrote and replace it with a peeled lemon than go to a RCB gig.

    So, I take it you're not a fan, then? How about the Big Yin, Billy Connolly?

    I'd rather rip the other ball out and swap it for a hand grenade

    OK. How about Stewart Lee, then?
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • minigeffminigeff EnglandPosts: 7,882MI6 Agent
    Yeah he's ok but is less clever than he thinks. A few moments of genius though.
    'Force feeding AJB humour and banter since 2009'
    Vive le droit à la libre expression! Je suis Charlie!
    www.helpforheroes.org.uk
    www.cancerresearchuk.org
Sign In or Register to comment.