"Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

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  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited September 2021

    The CEO of IKEA was elected the new Prime Minister of Sweden yesterday. Today he's assembling his cabinet. ๐Ÿ˜

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,924MI6 Agent

    I'm sure at least one Secretary will be missing.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent

    I suspect his cabinet will prove to be unstable after just a few months.

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,354MI6 Agent

    I was just sent this. Not the funniest 007 gag ever, but the look on Le Chiffre's face is perfect.

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited April 15

    There is a whole sub-genere of jokes in Finland about the two friends Pekka and Toivonen. I trust no-one will be offended since I've removed all the stereotypes. Please mentally read their lines in a masculine, flat voice and with very hard consonants. Basically as far away from French as possible.

    Pekka and Toivonen were living in a small log cabin in the frozen forests near Lake Enari. A storm started and Pekka and Toivonen spent the time drinking vodka. After three days they were out of vodka. "Pekka. Go look in the shed if you can find anything to drink." said Toivonen. When Pekka returned he reported: "I only found a barrel of mathanol. It makes you blind." The two friends went quiet before Toivonen said: "But Pekka, haven't we seen pretty much everything by now?"


    It was during the Winter War. Pekka had fought very bravely and was awarded home leave for a few days. He put on his skis and disapeared into the frozen woods. At the end of his leave Pekka returned the same way. Toivonen asked him what had happened. "First I boinked my wife" said Pekka matter of factly. "But after, what did you do then, Pekka?" Pekka replied flatly: "Then I boinked her again". Toivonen nodded: "But after you were finished, what did you do then?" Pekka: "Then I took off my skis and my heavy backpack"


    During the war Pekka and Toivonen were on leave in Berlin. Needless to say they drank a lot the first night. Just that night the allies did their first major bombing raid on the city. The next day Toivonen opened the curtains and found their hotel was pretty much the only building left standing. He went quiet for a moment. "Pekka. We will never be able to pay for this party ..."


    Once Pekka and Toivonen were on a ship off the coast of Africa when it sunk. On land they were taken care of by men with spears and much darker complexions than they'd ever seen before. They were both put in a huge cauldron, a lid was put on it and a good fire underneath burned for an hour. Then the chief ordered the lid to be lifted. "Saaaatani!" they heard from the cauldron. "Can't we even be left in peace in the sauna?"

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited April 15

    One summer Pekka and Toivonen were sitting on a park bench doing some light vodka drinking. Out on the windy lake they saw a windsurfer for the first time of their lives. Suddenly the surfer fell in. Pekka and Toivonen kept looking and drinking. A few minutes after the surfer dispeared Toivonen said: "Pekka, you are the best swimmer on Enari lake. You must save him". A few moments later Pekka returned with the lifeless body and started giving mouth to mouth. "Pekka, I think you saved the wrong man" said Toivonen. "This man is wearing skates."

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited April 15

    Have you heard about the tragic accident on lake Enari?

    Pekka and Toivonen were ice fishing on the lake when Pekka said: "Do you want a drink?". But Toivonen was wearing his big fur hat, so he didn't hear anything. This was the great accident on lake Enari.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent

    The great Field Marshall Mannerheim and his staff were celebrating a victory against the Soviets during the Winter War. They toasted for everything they could think of. The great war leaders tidenes to his aide, Pekka. "What else can we toast for, private?" Pekka had to think for a moment. " We can toast to the infantry's best friend - the forest". Mannerheim nodded in agreement. "Let's do that. Tree by tree!".

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited June 29

    During the Winter War a Finish unit was engaged in trench warfare with the Soviets. Then the sergant had an idea: "Private Pekka, what's the most common Russian name?" Pekka knew: "It has to be Ivan". The sergant shouted "Ivan!" and a Russian soldier stood up and shouted "Here!" and Pekka shot him between the eyes. This was repeated a dozen times when the Soviet captain on the other side caught on. "Private!" he said to one of the remaining Ivans: "What is the most common Finnish name, private?" Ivan replied:"Pekka, comerade captain". The captain ordered: "Shout the name!" The Soviet soldier shouted "Pekka!", but Pekka was wise to what the Russians were doing. "Ivan, is that you?" Pekka shouted. The private on the other side stood up and shouted: "Yes, here!"

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent

    Pekka's brother Johanni returned to the old country after living 25 years in America. Pekka had made lots of vodka for the occation and they sat down in the log cabin and drank. After a week Johanni asked: "How is our mother?" Pekka sighed: "Perkele! Are we here to drink or to chat?"

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited April 20

    Five out of six doctors in Moscow say it's safe to play Russian roulette.

  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited May 5

    Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. Two minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited May 5

    Parallel lines have so much in common. It's shame they'll never meet.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited May 5

    Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent

    How do you define political correctness?

    Carefully.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent

    In light of recent political tensions, please refrain from wishing Putin falls into a vat of concrete.

    That would set a very dangerous president.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited June 29

    I tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

    If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

    A Mexican has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

    Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

    Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    edited June 29

    Some top entertainment jokes from the great Ted Chippington:


    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
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