"Ejector Seat? You're joking!" - The AJB Jokes Thread

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  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    edited February 2013
    Q. Why was there tumble-weed blowing and the sound of a church bell ringing in the distance?

    A. Because someone told a crap joke! :))

    D'ye see the irony there? :D
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    edited June 29
    I went to the doctor with a very sore head. After physical examination, he said to me that I had a head chock full of wee sweetie mice. I said to him, "I wondered why I was eating so much cheese!"
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    edited February 2013
    Some new jokes courtesy of Sunblest bread:

    Q. What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
    A. An udder failure!

    Two peanuts were walkng down the street. One was a salted!

    Q. What do you call two lines of cabbages?
    A. A dual cabbageway!
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    Q. Which is the tastiest precious metal?

    A. Rose gold. It's got 24 carrots!

    [I made that one up all by myself!] :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    edited March 2013
    It's funny. I was very thirsty, but it was only Wednesday. Odd. :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,741MI6 Agent
    I remembered this joke while reading the military service thread.

    during WW2 an american soldier on leave was on a train. All the seats were taken, except for one but a rich lady
    had her little dog on it, and despite being asked refused to let the soldier sit dowm.
    He once again looked up and down the train but no seats were available, so he returned to the rich lady and
    again asked if she would move her dog and let him rest on the seat. Once again she refused.
    So in anger he picked up the little dog and threw it out the window and sat down. ....... an old man sitting
    opposite leand forward and said " son, I think you may have thrown the wrong bitch off the train "
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited June 2018
    Today I celebrate our neighbours to the east (no, not the Russians) :D


    images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJetxbY_kwo_pSSkUf3dbWVF-xDMfjHAzYDm7PylU_-x5n94o6

    194016192_discount-swedis.png

    Either you know you have lived in Sweden too long, or you know you’re a true Swede when you recognize yourself in most of the following:

    When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume:

    a: he is drunk

    b: he is insane

    c: he’s an American

    d: he’s all of the above

    Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there is less than 10 scoops per pot.

    The first thing you do upon entering a bank/post office/chemist etc. is to look for the queue number machine.

    You accept that you have to queue to take a queue number.

    You associate pea soup with Thursday. (You have to be Swedish or at least live in Sweden to get that one)

    “No comment” becomes a conversation strategy.

    Your front step is beginning to resemble a shoe shop.

    You are no longer scared of Volvos and Volvo drivers

    You know that “religious holiday” means “let’s get pissed.”

    When you’re hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning.

    You have conversations with people outside when it is –10C.

    It no longer seems excessive to spend 1,000kr on alcohol in a single night

    It’s acceptable to eat lunch at 11.00. (Isn’t it?)

    You find yourself debating the politics of the social democrats.

    You have only two facial expressions, smiling or blank.

    You wear warm clothing when it’s 25 degrees plus in April – because it’s April.

    You wear shorts and t-shirt when it’s barely 10 degrees in July – because it’s July.

    You get extremely annoyed when the bus is two minutes late.

    Your wife watches TV while you look after the kids.

    You’ve been engaged for four years and don’t have any plans to get married.

    You assume that anyone who apologieses after bumping into you is a tourist.

    You get into a Mercedes taxi cab and think nothing of it.

    You understand that when a colleague asks you out for “a drink,” it will probably be a long night with a severe hangover the next day.

    Seeing a young woman with lit candles stuck to her head no longer disturbs you.

    You start to differentiate between types of snow.

    When offered a bottle of beer the first thing you look at is the alcoholic percentage.

    You think it is normal EVERYTHING is regulated and you obey the rules voluntarily.

    You no longer snigger when your kids ask for a Plopp when you’re out shopping.

    Hearing the words f*ck, wh*re, shag and Swedish curses on daytime TV seems perfectly normal.

    You expect to find the glove you dropped in February hanging on a post in June.

    Pigs say ”nerf nerf”, frogs say ”kvack, kvack” and roosters say ”kuckeliku”

    You know that ”Extrapris” goods are cheaper, even though your English mind translates the word as ”extra price”

    Your husband is very long instead of being very tall

    You ringed somebody yesterday instead of you rang them.

    You start looking at socialbidrag (welfare) less as an absolutely desperate last resort and more as a way of life.

    You take two hour naps at work and the idea of losing your job never crosses your mind.

    You take your shoes off when entering a house while visiting your family in Australia.

    You think horse meat is a totally acceptable sandwich topping.

    If a friend says that he/she would like to get together with you, you instinctively reach for your pocket calendar.

    You ask for a Big Mac and company outside of Sweden.

    You say “I’m almost annoyed” when you’re as furious as humanly possible.

    A 25 % sales tax on just about everything is no big deal.

    VD is the boss, not something you need to get medical treatment for.

    You can use bra, fart, and slut in the same sentence without giggling.

    You refer to weeks by their number.

    You don’t understand why your friend from Mississipi took offence when you referred to him as a yankee.

    You have learned how to schedule your bouts of illness so you don’t get sick on weekends. Because if you do get sick on a weekend you have a hard time getting to see a doctor and you’ve wasted a weekend. It’s much better to be sick on a Monday so you can call in sick. That way you can extend your weekend!

    You stop thinking you’re being yelled at every time you hear “Hey!”

    It is your birthday YOU have to make the cake

    You either run for the last pendeltåg at 1 am or choose to party on until 5 am when they start again rather than endure the horrific night bus home, as a taxi ride would require taking out a 2nd mortgage.

    You find yourself eating bay-con for breakfast and talking about Bill Clin-ton and taking a trip to Lon-don.

    A dime is yummy not currency

    You know that “fan” is a swearword, and not an admirer or an air conditioner.

    All of your conversations resemble a chess game, with each participant quietly and patiently awaiting the other to finish their turn.

    A seven-year-old with his own mobile phone seems perfectly sensible.

    Your wallet contains more plastic than a Hollywood superstar.

    You can tell the difference between the different radio stations.

    You aimlessly chat using SMS.

    When someone asks you “Hi, how are you?” you actually take time out to explain how you are.

    You are no longer surprised when you see full-frontal male nudity in a commercial or on TV.

    You can pick out the real blondes from the fake blondes.

    You accept that the best answer for a question is always “Jag vet inte” meaning “I don’t know”.

    You think it’s acceptable that builders start banging and hammering at 5.30am.

    You are accustomed to every other front page headline in Expressen or Aftonbladet being about some food/drink/activity being dangerous for your health.

    You’re used to seeing dog owners picking up the dogs’ heaps in little black plastic bags.

    You know that twenty hundred is a year, not an hour.

    You don’t even think about what you are saying when you are off to the shop to buy your favorite brand of cat food, and you say, “Be right back love, I’m just gonna go get some Pussi”

    You think an hour and a half cycle on your washing machine is a “quick wash”.

    You talk of –10C as ”10 degrees cold”, when in Australia +10C would be considered cold. And who else calls +1C, ”one degree warm”!


    ________________________________________________


    Why do Swedes always drink their milk in the store?
    Because on the packet it says "oppnas har". ("Open here")



    Once there came a customer into the store and asked, "Kan jag få två smørgåssar?" (May I have two sandwitches?). The store-clerk then asked, "Are you Swedish?" whereupon the customer said, "Er det fordi jag sa 'smørgåssar de skjønnte at jag var svensk?" (is it because I said 'smørgåssar' i.e. the swedish word for sandwitch, you knew I was a Swede?). The clerk made a cunning smirk, "No, it is because you're in a hardware store."



    Two Swedes were in Norway on a visit and they were wondering about all the beautiful buildings. One of the Swedes went over to a Norwegian and asked how they managed to build such beautiful buildings. The Norwegian brought the Swede to a wall and laid his hand on it. Then he asked the Swede to hit it. First the Swede didn't want to, but then finally he hit as hard as he was able to. The Norwegian quickly pulled his hand out of the way and the Swede got all his knuckles smashed. The Norwegian said, "It's a question of intelligence."
    The Swede went back to his buddy who wondered if he'd gotten his question answered. - "Yes," the he answered and put his hand on his forehead, "Hit my hand!"..
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    Two women were talking about their relationships:
    - My only relationship nowadays is with my vibrator ….
    - Is it more of an on-off relationship?
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,354MI6 Agent
    Warning! This is “NSFW” so please be aware it’s rude...

    Sean Connery was interviewed by Parkinson, and bragged that despite his elderly years, he could still have sex three times a night. Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I’d love to have sex with you. Let’s go back to my place." So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my ballsh in your left hand and my c0ck in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that wash wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my ballsh in your left hand, and my c0ck in your right hand." Cilla is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it’s all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your c0ck in my right stimulate you while you’re sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I slept with a shcouser, she shtole my wallet."
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,443Chief of Staff
    :)) :)) :))

    (Will send you an even less SFW one by PM)
  • JTMJTM Posts: 3,027MI6 Agent
    Brilliant :))
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,443Chief of Staff
    108638928-056288138.jpg

    Picture from earlier today of a load of bull.
  • ChriscoopChriscoop Belize Posts: 10,449MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
    Brilliant C&D
    in a similar vein I saw this last week.

    Mistakes that led to a relationship breakdown # 1
    Asking my girlfriend to sit on my face in my best Sean Connery voice!
    It was either that.....or the priesthood
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,354MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :)) I imagine that relationship had a messy ending. :#
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,741MI6 Agent
    It's not often sh1t comes before the bull. :D
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    Barbel wrote:
    108638928-056288138.jpg

    Picture from earlier today of a load of bull.

    I think that's a very good illustration of the Prime Minister versus Parliament at the minute! :))
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,741MI6 Agent
    It's Parliament v The People now SM ;)
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    A Catholic priest suffers a heart attack. When he wakes up he's being pushed through a white corridor.
    He asks: "Am I in heaven?"
    "No" replies the nurse pushing the gurney. "We just took a short-cut through the children's ward"
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 7,898MI6 Agent
    It's Parliament v The People now SM ;)

    Yes, and bring it on at the next general election which will hopefully be sooner rather than later. We desperately need a clearout at Westminster to get things done, not least of which is Brexit! -{
    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    Not many people know this, but President George W. Bush, VP Dick Cheney and Secretary of War Danald Rumsfeld all secretly visited the front lines during the invasion in Iraq. Everything went terribly wrong and all three were captured by Iraqi forces.
    A firing squad is convened and Rumsfeld, Cheney and Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the firing squad are loading their guns Rumsfeld thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the Iraqis turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Rumsfeld jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Cheney quickly observes how well Rumsfeld's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Cheney jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited November 2019
    What do you call a Scandinavian porn director?
    - Pjorn.

    I met a depressed Scandinavian the other day.
    He wished he'd never been Björn.

    Perhaps only Norwegians will laugh at this one?
    What’s the difference between Norway and Sweden?
    - Sweden has a nice neighbor.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    Is this a joke or a political allegory? I don't know, but I've read a lot about Soviet history and this gives a fairly good insight into the mindset of the Soviet leaders:

    In spite of the fact that Lenin died before Gorbatchev was born, all the major Soviet leaders were sitting on a train. Suddenly it stopped in the middle of nowhere, and the conductor informed them that there was no more railway track in front of the locomotive in spite of the railway being reported as finished five years ago. The conductor asked the great leaders what to do about the problem. since he was the father of the revolution Lenin spoke first:
    - We should free the local farmers and order them to finish the railway
    Stalin was next: - We should order the farmers to finish the railway in a day, then shoot them all for sabotage.
    Khrushchev: - We should order the farmers to take the railway tracks behind the train and use it to finish the railway in front of us.
    Brezhnev: - We should close the curtains, then order the farmers to rock the our train carriage and make train noises.
    Gorbatchev: - We should pay the farmers to finish the railway with the Money we no longer have.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
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  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    Some German jokes from WWII you could get sendt to consentration camps for telling:


    In the final days of Berlin they said that Goebbels was going to step down as regional commander of Berlin and be replaced by Rommel, who already knew about deserts.

    Later in the war, a German was called up. He asks the doctor, "Doctor, you're a professional. Which arm of service should I opt for?"
    "Which arm did you serve in in the last war?"
    "Oh, I wasn't called up then. I was too old."

    Count Bobby (an Austrian fool) is finally called up. He is certified physically fit for service and asked where he wants to serve. "In the Führer's headquarters," he says.
    "Good God, are you insane!?" the doctor says.
    "Is that required now?"

    Hitler walks into a Berlin winestore and demands a bottle of champaigne. The wine merchant replies: ”Excuse me, due to rationing and supply shortages none is avaiable.” Hitler: “But I know you everyone sells it under the counter.” Wine merchant: “That’s a lie!” Hitler (angry): “DON’T YOU RECOGNIZE ME?” I AM THE LIBERATOR OF EUROPE!” Wine merchant (enthusiastic, to his wife): “Elfi, bring two bottles of champaigne! Mr. Churchill is here!”

    Hitler walks the streets of Berlin, in disguise, to check the real attitude of the ordinary people. He approaches a bystander and asks for his opinion about his plitics. However, the bystander rejects to answer: “Well, it could be dangerous to express one’s true opinion these days.” Hitler:”Trust me, I won’t say a word.” “O.k., but don’t let my neighbors know: I think the Führer is doing a fine job.”

    3 prisoners are talking with one of the guards of the POW camp in 1944. The first one, the American tells the others "If I go up the Empire State Buiding I can see all of New York! New York is really the greatest city in the world". The British says "If I go up Big Ben, I can see all London, isn't that fabulous?", the French then says "I f I go up the Eifel Tower, I can see all Paris! You don't have that in Berlin Fritz!". And Fritz says "In Berlin it's even better : I f I stand on one brick I can see all the city!!!"


    In January 1945 Hitlers adjutant rushes into the Führers room and tells that he finally has some good news to tell: "Our armies are moving both to the East and to the West. Hitler delighted that his predictions are finally becoming true utters "Can this be true". The adjutant: "Definitely Mein Führer, our armies in the West are advancing to the East and our armies in the East are advancing to the West".

    Two shortest books of the World: "Eating well in Great Britain" and "Modern Italy military success stories."

    Original contempoary joke: Führer and his chauffeur on their route through the Berchtesgadener Land. Suddenly a pig runs in front of the car; is hit and dies. The chauffeur says to Hitler: " I have to go into the house and have to inform the owner" ; He doesn't come back for an hour and then suddenly appears heavily drunken with a basket full of presents in his hands. The Führer asks him; what happened. The chauffeur replies: "I really don't know. I just entered the room and said: "Heil Hitler, the swine is dead!"
  • The Spy Who Never DiesThe Spy Who Never Dies UKPosts: 644MI6 Agent
    Number24 wrote:
    Some German jokes from WWII you could get sendt to consentration camps for telling:


    Original contempoary joke: Führer and his chauffeur on their route through the Berchtesgadener Land. Suddenly a pig runs in front of the car; is hit and dies. The chauffeur says to Hitler: " I have to go into the house and have to inform the owner" ; He doesn't come back for an hour and then suddenly appears heavily drunken with a basket full of presents in his hands. The Führer asks him; what happened. The chauffeur replies: "I really don't know. I just entered the room and said: "Heil Hitler, the swine is dead!"



    This made me laugh so much!
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    edited June 2020
    Who was best electrican in Third Reich?
    Hitler. In few years he isolated all of Germany.


    A joke from 1945:
    - How do you get from the East Front to the West Front?
    - By tram!


    At a dinner with Churchill, German Foreign minister Ribbentrop said : "In the future war with Britain, Germany will have the Italians on our side". Churchill: “That’s only fair – we had them last time.”
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    Why didn't we see the fall of the Soviet Union coming?
    There were red flags everywhere ....
  • HardyboyHardyboy Posts: 5,842Chief of Staff
    Not so much a joke as a witticism. On his show last Thursday Jimmy Fallon said of the book by Trump's niece, Too Much and Never Enough, that it "sounds like a Bond film from the '80s we forgot about."
    Vox clamantis in deserto
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,354MI6 Agent
    5236-AAC5-9958-4-BD9-BCD0-6-ED27-E29163-D.jpg
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,983MI6 Agent
    Earlier I posted some jokes from nazi Germany. This is the Gulag edition :D



    A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.
    The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”
    The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”
    The Soviet replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

    4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...
    As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
    He goes downstairs to reception and asks for a cup of coffee to be delivered to the room.
    "Make sure you deliver it exactly after 10 minutes starting from now"
    Returning back to the room he joins his comrades midway a Stalin joke. He sits up shocked and exclaims:
    "Comrades! You must not say these things! Don't you know? They are listening to our conversations right now!"
    The comrades jeer and laugh at him and say that that is impossible.
    "Really? Then how do you explain this?"
    He gets up and speaks into the lampshade by the beds.
    "I would like a black coffee to be delivered to my room, please."
    And surely enough, in a short amount of time, a maid walks in with a cup of coffee and some sugar.
    The other 3 comrades turn deathly pale and quickly turn in for the night. The last comrade drinks his coffee and peacefully goes to sleep.
    Come morning the 4th comrade awakens only to find that his friends and all their belongings are missing.
    Throughly confused and anxious, the man walks down the stairs to reception to enquire whether his friends had checked out earlier in the morning.
    "I am afraid not sir. You see, the KGB raided your room during the night and placed your friends under arrest for ridiculing the Soviet regime."
    "B-but how come they didn't take me?!"
    "Oh, the Captain very much enjoyed your joke"


    What is the difference between Russian roulette and Soviet roulette?
    In Soviet roulette everyone dies equally


    Soviet Premier Brezhnev, as is his habit, looks out the window of his Kremlin office at the morning sun.
    "Good morning, Comrade sun" he says. The sun answers, "Good morning, Comrade Premier."
    About noon Brezhnev looks up through the skylight and says, "Good day, Comrade sun." The sun dutifully answers "Good day, Comrade Premier."
    In the afternoon Brezhnev peers out his window at the setting sun and says, "Good afternoon, Comrade sun." "**** you, Brezhnev" says the sun. "I'm in the West now."

    Unlike Hitler and Mao, Stalin sometimes told jokes about himself. He liked this one:
    One day Stalin mentioned to Beria (secret police chief, staling called him "My Himmler") his pipe is missing. The next day Stalin tells Beria he found his pite under the sofa. Beria replied: "But Stalin, how can this be? seventeen people have already confessed to be a part of a conspiracy to steal your pipe and they were shot in the basement of the Lublyanka .."
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