Imaginary Conversations



  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,597MI6 Agent
    edited June 30

    🀣🀣🀣 I bought two at a memorabilia convention at Excel many years ago 😁

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    1987. The Bassey household. Shirley is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone, while her husband looks on concernedly.


    Husband: Oh sit down, Shirley, why don’t you?

    Shirley: Sit down? I can’t sit down!

    Husband: Just sit down for a moment and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea-

    Shirley: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!

    Husband: What do you mean, a time like this? Nothing is happening!

    Shirley: That’s exactly it- nothing is happening! That phone is not ringing!

    Husband: But why should the phone be ringing? Does someone want you to do a concert? Maybe appear on a television show?

    Shirley: No, more important than that- there’s a new James Bond film being made.

    Husband: Yes, I know. They have a new actor playing Ja-

    Shirley: I don’t care who the actor is- they should be wanting me to sing their title song!

    Husband: Why this time? Why this one?

    Shirley: Look, didn’t I sing “Goldfinger” in 1964?

    Husband: Yes, of course you did, darling, and very well too.

    Shirley: And then didn’t I sing “Diamonds Are Forever” in 1971?

    Husband: You sang that so beautifully, Shirley.

    Shirley: And then didn’t I sing “Moonraker” in 1979?

    Husband: You did indeed, my love, and-

    Shirley: Don’t you see? There were 7 years in between “Goldfinger” and “Diamonds Are Forever”.

    Husband: Yes, that’s true.

    Shirley: Then 8 years between “Diamonds Are Forever” and “Moonraker”.

    Husband: Yes, that’s right.

    Shirley: So 9 years after “Moonraker” means it’s time for me to sing their song again!

    (Husband does a quick calculation and realises that it’s not worth his sanity, his marriage, or quite possibly his life correcting a world-famous diva on her arithmetic.)

    Husband: Er, yes, Shirley.

    Shirley: So just you lift that phone and tell them!

    Husband: Er… me?

    Shirley: Yes, of course. You phone that Cubby Broccoli right now and tell him I have to sing their new title song.

    Husband: ….ah…. Listen, Shirley, I have a better idea.

    Shirley: (Voice dropping below zero.) Oh?

    Husband: I don’t know him, but you do know John Barry.

    Shirley: Of course.

    Husband: Why don’t you phone him instead?

    Shirley: Hmmm… You know, I think you may be right. Pass me that phone.

    (He passes her the phone then starts backing off.)

    Husband: I, er, I’ll just be in the kitchen making some tea.

    (He sidesteps neatly into the kitchen, closes the door, and waits….)



  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,008Chief of Staff


    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,597MI6 Agent

    These “pacers” sketches keep getting better and better πŸ˜‚πŸ˜πŸ˜‚

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,964MI6 Agent

    Good work, Blofe .....I mean Barbel!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff
    edited July 2

    First things first:

    Thank you, guys, and since the above Conversation went down well here's a little more.....

    Meanwhile, at CTS Studios in London…. John Barry is having a full and frank discussion with the members of a-ha over the arrangement of the title song for “The Living Daylights”. Two of them have grabbed his arms while the third, Morten Harket, is attempting to bash a guitar over his head, but is being restrained in turn by orchestrator Nic Raine and trumpeter Derek Watkins.


    John: You want to make something of it, you basta-

    Nic: (Quickly.) Now, now John, just relax. Remember your blood pressure.

    Morten: Damn right I want to make something of it, you old-

    (They are interrupted by the sudden ringing of the telephone. All freeze, and stare at each other.)

    Nic: Oh, I’ll get it. Hello? …. Oh, hello Miss Bassey. (Everyone lifts their eyebrows.) Yes, he’s here, just hang on a moment. (He holds the phone out to John.) Shirley Bassey, for you.

    John: (Taking phone.) Hi, Shirley, how are you? …. I’m fine too. Just working on the new Bond film at the moment …. That’s what you want to talk to me about? …. Oh, I see. Now you know nothing would please me more, but that’s all been decided over my head. The song’s going to a bunch of Scandinavian fuc- …er, I suppose I’d better say musicians called a-ha …. No, I’d never heard of them either…. Well, look after yourself …Bye, Shirley.

    (He hangs up the phone and looks at the band. Then, lightning fast, he picks up a drumstick and shoves it up the nose of the nearest a-ha member, whose bandmates leap on John once again, to be dived on in turn by …..


  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,008Chief of Staff

    A lovely coda 🀣🀣

    And a wonderful Happy Birthday to this thread as it enters its 5th year πŸ₯³πŸŽ‚πŸŽˆ

    A massive congratulations to Barbel for his wit and inspiration in keeping the standards amazingly high πŸ‘πŸ»

    Plus a hearty well done to all this thread’s contributors 🍸


    Interior AJB HQ, night…

    Footsteps echo down the long corridor, they stop outside the Moderator’s restroom. A slight hesitation, then a hand reaches for the door handle. It grips it for a second, then turns the handle. Barbel coughs slightly as he enters…

    He sees Sir Miles, lounging on a desk chair with his feet on the table, fast asleep, bits of that nights supper spilled down his half buttoned shirt front.

    Barbel coughs again. A little louder.

    SM: Just errr, just removing more Russian spammers…

    His fingers reaching for a nonexistent laptop….

    Barbel: It’s about the Imaginary Conversation thread….

    Sir Miles looks up…

    SM: Yes, I’ve no idea how you keep thinking them up.

    Barbel: Well, it’s funny you should say that….πŸ‘€

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    Thank you, Sir Miles, and it's nice to see you from the other side of the page, so to speak, doing a Conversation (and rather well, too) 😁

    Yes, another year has passed and as usual I'm surprised that this thread has lasted so long. I echo Sir M's hearty thank you to all the contributors and add my own to the wonderful Bride Of Barbel for often uncredited ideas and suggestions (we like to act out the parts in, say, a pacers sketch while on a car journey and when we get home I write them down) as well as in general for putting up with me and my James Bond craze for all these years. In fact, one of the quotes from the pacers has entered our normal household dialogue- any guesses what that might be?

    Would you like a cup of tea?

    Tea? I can't think of tea at a time like this!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,964MI6 Agent

    A toast to the Bride! (and Barbel too)

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,008Chief of Staff

    I think I could just about manage a dozen lines in over 4 years 🀣

    YNWA 97
  • ManxmanManxman Posts: 124MI6 Agent

    Reposted here at the request of @Barbel:

    (Bond is held prisoner in Blofeld's underground lair.)

    BLOFELD: Before I have Otto throw you into the pool with the stonefish and sea snakes, I have a little proposition for you, Mr Bond. I wish to invite you to join SPECTRE.

    BOND: Why would you require my services? We have been sworn enemies for years.

    BLOFELD: I am about to embark on my most dangerous endeavour and I require a man of your calibre to assist me.

    BOND: What are you planning to do?

    BLOFELD: I need to give the cat a pill.

    (Close-up of Bond's shocked face.)

    BOND: I'll take my chances in the pool. Thanks all the same. Otto, would you oblige?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    Thanks, @Manxman, it fits in here just nicely. Please feel free to come up with other ideas!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,597MI6 Agent

    Very good @Manxman please post more!

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 3,103MI6 Agent

    For me it's clipping a cat's claws. Pills are easy.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    2024. A parched desert. Three men on camels ride slowly, tired by their long journey and almost overwhelmed by their sense of defeat.


    1st Rider: I cannot take much more of this, I cannot!

    2nd Rider: It can’t be much further now.

    3rd Rider: Yes, surely, it…. But wait, what do I see ahead?

    (Over the next sand dune, they can see a magnificent castle gleaming with jewels and with many-coloured flags flying from the parapets. Large, strong men stand on either side of the drawbridge over, amazingly, a moat.)

    1st Rider: It cannot be real!

    2nd Rider: It is only a mirage!

    3rd Rider: Nay, truly it is real. Come!

    (The three persuade their camels into a faster trot and head to the door. After a few words with the guards, they are allowed in with their camels awaiting outside. They walk down a long corridor.)

    1st Rider: Look at the walls, my friends.

    2nd Rider: Portraits. Portraits of….

    3rd Rider: Connery! Moore! Dalton! Brosnan! Craig!

    1st Rider: I can’t help feeling that there’s someone missing.

    2nd Rider: Hmmm… no, can’t think who that might be.

    3rd Rider: No, no idea here.

    (They arrive at the curtains to the spectacular throne room, where once again they are shown inside by obvious bodyguards. They walk a short way towards the two thrones in the centre of the room. Two scribes stand before them.)

    Purvis: Kneel before Queen Barbara!

    Wade: Kneel before King Michael!

    (The three instantly kneel. On the left throne sits an elderly man with a beard and square glasses. He appears to be fast asleep. A woman with long dark hair sits on the other.)

    Queen Barbara: And who are you? What do you want from the rulers of Eon?

    1st Rider: Queen Barbara, we have come to seek thy boon.

    2nd Rider: We have travelled far to ask your favour.

    3rd Rider: Yes, we are the…. er, is King Michael fast asleep there?

    Queen Barbara: Yes, he’s exhausted after debating Donald Trump last week. Takes a lot out of a man his age. Now, tell me who you are and what you want!

    1st Rider: I am the chairman of Aston Martin.

    2nd Rider: I am the CEO of Bollinger.

    3rd Rider: And I am the owner of Gordon’s gin.

    1st Rider: Our sales have gone down alarmingly since 2021.

    2nd Rider: We have seen this happen before.

    3rd Rider: And we know that our sales will once again rise exponentially when a new James Bond film is released to an impatient and waiting public.

    1st Rider: Therefore we have travelled long and weary to-

    Queen Barbara: Enough! If I care nothing for the earnest pleas and heartfelt prayers of millions upon millions of faithful Bond fans the world over, what makes you think I would listen to you?

    1st Rider: We have money.

    2nd Rider: Lots and lots of money,

    3rd Rider: And we would be very happy to cut you in… er, I mean, share our good fortune with you if you make a new James Bond film soon.

    1st Rider: Very soon.

    2nd Rider: Very, very soon.

    3rd Rider: In fact, now would be good.

    (King Michael shifts in his sleep.)

    King Michael: (Still asleep.) Oh no, of course not, Cubby, we would never do anything that might besmirch the good name of Eon or James Bo-

    Queen Barbara: Quiet, Michael. Now, enough! On your way- I shall let you know my answer in due course.

    1st Rider: Of course, Queen Barbara.

    2nd Rider: As you say, Queen Barbara.

    3rd Rider: Just not too long, please.




  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,008Chief of Staff

    Verily this doth please me 🀣🀣

    That is a cracker ☺️

    YNWA 97
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,964MI6 Agent

    I'm not sure, Barbel, but simetimes I get the faintest feeling that you're not completely satisfied by BB's inactivity when it comes to making more Bond movies. I guess most people don't pick up on any such vibes, I'm very perseptive when it comes to things like this and honestly that's the feeling I get.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    Really? I have no idea what makes you think that. Surely it couldn't be anything I've written here from around page 50 onwards.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    1964. Swiss/French border. Bond is following Goldfinger’s Rolls Royce, using the useful and practical gadget perfected by Q out of years of patient research. Unfortunately he gets into a queue at the customs and can only watch the screen showing Goldfinger get further and further away. A customs official approaches his car and Bond hurriedly hides the screen.

    Customs Official: Name?

    Bond: Bond. James Bond.

    Official: Purpose of visit?

    Bond: Just a holiday.

    (There is a beep.)

    Official: What is that noise?

    Bond: Er, noise?

    (It beeps again.)

    Official: Yes, that noise.

    Bond: Magneto whine.

    Official: Magneto whine? How can it be “magneto whine” when your engine is switched off? Out of the car, please.

    Bond: But-

    Official: Get out of your vehicle, sir.

    (Resignedly, Bond gets out, sensing his chances of catching up on Goldfinger fading away.)

    Official: Come with me, please.

    Bond: Certainly.

    (As they walk over to the office where Bond will be embarrassingly strip-searched while his car is thoroughly examined, taking up far too much of his precious time once they get a good look at it, he sees a white Ford Mustang driven by a pretty woman being waved through.)

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,008Chief of Staff

    It may just take slightly more than an hour of his undivided attention to work the car out 🀣

    More marvellousness πŸ‘πŸ»πŸ‘πŸ»

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    Thank you!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    The Diary Of Barbara Broccoli

    Making of “No Time To Die”.



    We have been shooting the Paloma scene with Ana de Armas. She seems bright and full of fun, and the screen definitely lights up when she is fighting the bad guys or exchanging quips with Daniel. So, I have fired her immediately. We can’t have that.



    Shooting scenes with Bond and Felix Leiter. There’s a tangible warmth between those two, which radiates out and brings a warm smile to those who know exactly how far back those two characters go. Must have him killed soon.



    We’re continuing the romance between Bond and Madeleine Swann from the previous movie, “Spectre” or “Skyfall”, whichever it was. No-one sees any chemistry between Lea and Daniel whatsoever. Must give her more scenes with him.



    The Aston Martin was being filmed for the car chase. It would appear that the entire crew are delighted to see James Bond using this particular car and his gadgets from it, and I have no doubt the cinema audience will be too. Have ordered Purvis & Wade to write it out of the film as quickly as possible.



    Shooting the scenes with M and company back in London. These scenes seem dull, dreary and long-winded, as well as not particularly necessary to what we are calling "the plot". Have asked Cary to extend them as long as he can.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,008Chief of Staff

    Imaginary conversations you say? πŸ‘€πŸ€­

    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,597MI6 Agent

    As @Sir Miles said, it’s all too true 🀣 πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,964MI6 Agent

    Silva is in awe of the surveillance system Barbel has set up.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff

    Much appreciated, gentlemen. Well, since you enjoyed that one I suppose some more might be in order....

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,890Chief of Staff


    The Diary Of Barbara Broccoli

    Making of “No Time To Die” Part Two



    Met with Billie Eilish and her brother. They played me the song they had written for our film. It’s catchy and has a good rhythm, so I told them to go away and write another that was nothing like that.



    Caught Daniel half-smiling in one scene. Told him that this wasn’t on, and if he didn’t stop doing that I’d have to find another James Bo…. oh.



    Christoph Waltz asked me if there was any chance he would be back in the next Bond film, since he’d been killed in this one. I told him not to worry, bringing Blofeld back from the dead would be the least of our worries.



    Purvis and Wade asked when it would be time for them to start working on the script for the next film, since they had a good idea. When I had recovered from my fit of laughter at that thought, I told them not to hold their breath.



    Billie and Finneas came back with their new idea for the title song. Weak melody, indecipherable lyrics, and miserable mood. I told them it was perfect, just what I wanted.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 27,008Chief of Staff
    edited July 5

    Superb 🀣

    After that Billie Eilish song I bet you went straight out and played Another Way To Die to hear how a great Bond theme should sound πŸ‘€

    YNWA 97
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,964MI6 Agent

    I liked the song. In my opinion it was "Writing's on the wall" that needed to be up-tempo and energetic!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,597MI6 Agent

    It’s good to see the battering that NTTD deserves - more, please, Barbel πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
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