2021. Train station, Matera. James is on the platform, Madeleine on the train.
Madeleine: When will I see you again?
James: You won’t.
(The train starts. James stands on the platform. Madeleine at first walks then runs through the carriages, desperate to keep him in view. Finally he’s gone. Madeleine turns, hiding a tear.)
Bigliettio: Tickets, please.
Bigliettio: Ticket, please, signora.
Madeleine: Oh, but…
(She gestures helplessly.)
Bigliettio: Then you must pay the fare. That will be….
(He begins to calculate.)
Madeleine: I don’t have the money.
Bigliettio: But I regret, signora, it’s impossible.
Madeleine: I regret, too, but I don’t have any money.
Voice in the background: Dame can’t pay up.
Elderly Australian Gentleman: (Leaning forward in his seat.) Forgive me, my mind was elsewhere.
(He hands some money over.)
Elderly Australian Gentleman: The signora has forgotten that we agreed to travel in partnership today. Please continue.
Voice in the background: Well, that’s a stroke of luck, being bailed out like that at the last minute.
(Madeleine stomps off towards the dining car.)
Elderly Australian Gentleman: (Looking straight at the audience.) This never happened to the other fella.
That was awesome.
Barbel,that was fantastic and very, very appropriate.
Thank you both very much.
😂😂😂 How do you keep dreaming up these brilliant imaginary conversations?
I wish I knew!
There's definitely a place for you in EON's writing team (but you'd probably have to relocate to their secret lair within a volcano).
With pleasure, C&D. With pleasure.
2020. Or quite possibly 2021. Cary Joji Fukunaga and Michael G. Wilson have just gone over the film “No Time To Die” with Hans Zimmer.
Cary: So, you’re sure you’ve got it, Hans?
Hans: Yes, yes, no problem. You want to start, of course, with “The James Bond Theme” which John Barry comp-
(MGW suddenly has a fit of coughing.)
Hans: ….er, arranged for “Dr. No”. Then as soon as we hear the line “all the time in the world” we start hearing the John Barry tune of that name.
Cary: Yes, from “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”. It should act as a bit of foreshadowing.
Hans: Then when Bond visits Vesper’s grave, we are to hear a little of Vesper’s theme, which David Arnold composed for “Casino Royale”.
MGW: Sounds right to me.
Hans: I can certainly slip in an instrumental version or two of the title song for this movie, which was written by Billie Eilish and her brother Fineas O’Connell.
Cary: Yes, of course.
Hans: Then when Bond talks to M on the embankment, you want John Barry’s actual theme from “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”.
MGW: Yes, but slowed down, like the version called “Over And Out” on the soundtrack album.
Hans: Got it. I slip in the Billie Eilish song instrumentally again, then have big climax music, and finish with Louis Armstrong singing “We Have All The Time In The World.”
Cary: That’s it.
Hans: Okay, I’ll get Ralph to work right away. And don’t forget to get my credit right.
MGW: “Music by Hans Zimmer”?
Hans: That’s it.
Barbel, that hits too close to the truth to be considered imaginary.
'Lairs Incorporated, Pradeep speaking. How may I direct your call?'
'Sorry, please spell it.'
'Yes, that's correct. We build and design lairs for people.'
'Actually, custom work is our specialty.'
'Well, for example, we have worked on things like hollowed out volcanoes.'
'Islands too, yes.'
'Well, I believe so. Refits of existing structures can be done. It'd probably depend upon the age and the condition of the buildings.'
'OK, one moment. I'll get you a sales representative.'
('Masaru? Masaru? Hey, Masaru! Pick up line 3. We've got a potential contract in Southeast Asia. Line 3. I don't care if you're on lunch break, just pick up the phone...this guy sounds good for it. Line 3. LINE 3!! THREE!!!! My God, I need another job...')
'This is Masaru speaking...hold on, give me a second.'
'Sorry, you caught me at lunch. I just had to wash that last bite down.'
'No, this is a good time. What can I do for you?'
'Yes, we can refit islands. Where is this island exactly?'
'OK, and what country has jurisdiction over it?'
'Well, if it's contested, that may make a few things easier, actually. Smuggling construction materials in and so forth is usually just a matter of the right bribes.'
'Yes, we can handle the appropriate bribes. If you reference the informational packet in the billing area, you'll see that we can itemize bribes for you.'
'Right. Now, tell me about this island.'
'Well, that's good. Old military bases usually are pretty well made. Assuming the elements haven't beaten up the superstructure too much...'
'We'll probably have to take care of the electronics, though. Also, the doors. We'll ship over a couple of cases of WD-40, that's for sure.'
'OK. So, what do you have in mind?'
'Well yes...a pool. Sure.'
'Poison pool? Well...I guess. I mean, how you use it is your business.'
'Any concerns for safety?'
'OK, well that eliminates some overhead then.'
'Oh I like that...so, you're thinking that the floor would instantly just kinda drop?'
'So...like a hidden exit? A fast escape kinda thing?'
'You know, that reminds me of Mola Ram's escape in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.'
'Yep, underneath the statue of Kali. He just kinda lays down, laughs, and slides out of the room.'
'Sure, if that's the kind of effect you're going for.'
'Hahaha, sure...we could probably mock up some Shankara stones for you too if you want.'
'What about the missile silos?'
'Sure, whatever you want. Turning them into gardens shouldn't be a problem.'
'We have several horticulturists on staff, sure. Whatever your gardening needs are, we can meet them. Reference your informational packet on page 47.'
'Well, there's a limit. I don't know about poisons at all. Can I get back to you on that?'
'Great. Did Pradeep get your contact information?'
'OK, give it to me now, please.'
'I'm sorry, I think you'll have to spell it for me.'
'L-Y-U-T-S-I-F-E-R...is that right?'
'I have to ask, have you seen the show LUCIFER? Tom Ellis?'
'Yep, big fan here as well.'
'I agree, Mazikeen is the best.'
'Hahaha, yep...'Tell me what you desire.''
'I agree, Tom's great. I'd like to see him be a spy in some sort of movie, I think he's got what it takes.'
'Well, he's free now. LUCIFER ended. The way he's bulked up, who knows?'
'Yep, for sure. Hope he's got a good agent.'
'Sounds good. Give me a couple of days to research that poison question for you and I'll get back to you. Sound good?'
'Right. Talk soon. Bye!'
😂😂😂 Glad to see Pradeep back again, Gymkata!
Ssh, I don't want Eon finding my secret microphone.....
2021. An Aston Martin heads for a tunnel. Inside are Madeleine Swann and her daughter, Mathilde.
Madeleine: I’m going to tell you a story about a man. His name was Bond. James Bond.
(Two weeks later. Madeleine is tucking Mathilde in bed.)
Mathilde: Tell me the one about going to outer space again!
Madeleine: No, something better.
Mathilde: Oh, Mama, please, not the one about the casino again!
Madeleine: But that’s a good one.
Mathilde: You’ve told me that three times- once when he was an American called Jimmy, once when he was retired and called Sir James (I didn’t really understand that one), and once when he had just been given his special number.
Madeleine: Well, how about one in Bolivia?
Mathilde: The one about the water? I didn’t like that, it was too short and too jumpy.
Madeleine: Well, let me tell you the one about a big volcano in Japan, which opens up to swallow a rocket and-
Mathilde: You’ve told me that one!
Madeleine: How about the one about a dragon on a Caribbean island?
Mathilde: Heard it! I want the one where he goes to outer space!
Madeleine: All right, all right. (One last try.) Are you sure I can’t tell you about the man with three nipples and a gun made out of-
Madeleine: (Sighing.) Okay, the outer space one again. Well, it all started….
what can I say, kids love Jaws.
Tell us the one about the man with webbed fingers and the underwater city. Oh wait. That could also be the Patrick Duffy series before Dallas.
Patrick Duffy hasn't received this much attention in years.
😂😂😂 Let's hope that Pradeep's technicians (Charlie and Timmy?) didn't forget to build that Mola Ram hatch...
I spotted this was released a few days back. It should have "feat. Hans Zimmer" on it. 😡
2021. MI6. Moneypenny’s office. She is making a phone call.
Moneypenny: Hello, munitions department? Moneypenny here, from MI6…. No, I AM busy tonight… And tomorrow, yes…. Anyway, I have this week’s order from our department… Are you ready?… Right, one bunch of roses and two bottles of red wine for Q Branch… No, I have no idea why….. And two bottles of single malt for M’s office.
(M’s door opens and a hand emerges, holding four fingers up.)
Moneypenny: Make that four bottles…. And a camouflage suit for the Chief Of Staff… Apparently he wants to blend into the background even more effectively than he’s been doing already… No, we don’t need any more vodka or martini for the double-O section… Perhaps some chocolates, though… Right, thanks.
😆😆😆 Bill who? 🤔
Hans Zimmer: I think we’re just about ready here. Billie, are you ready?
Billie Eilish: Yes, Hans.
Hans: Ok, here we go…. Take One.
Billie: (Sings.) I mmff known, mmffe leave mffee...
Hans: Ok, stop there. Are you remembering what we discussed, Billie?
Billie: Er… I think so.
Hans: Well, I can still make out every second word you’re singing. Let’s do it again. And… Take Two.
Billie: (Sings.) I mmff nmmm, mffe leammff ammff…
Hans: Right, cut there. That’s much better, but we can still hear you. Now do it again, this time like you’re in the next room.
Billie: Ok, let’s have a go.
Hans: Take… Three!
Billie: (Sings.) I nnnff nmmmm, mffe leammfff ammfff…
(4 minutes later.)
Hans: Right, we've got it! Well done, everybody!
'you're enunciating too much, try and dial it back a bit.'
With thanks to Charmed & Dangerous
2019. Eon HQ, above a hotel in Matera, Italy. MGW and BB sit behind a desk.
MGW: Ready. Barbara?
BB: Yes, I’m ready.
MGW: Ok. (He presses the intercom.) Send her in, please.
(The door opens and Lashana Lynch enters.)
BB: Sit down, please, Miss Lynch. I’m Barbara Broccoli and this is my brother Michael Wilson.
Lashana: (Nervously.) Good morning.
BB: Now you’re here about a part in our upcoming James Bond picture, “No Time To Die”.
Lashana: Ah, so that’s what it’s called then.
MGW: Indeed it is. Now, we’re considering you for the part of a British secret agent- in fact, you’ll be…. Well, we’ll come to that.
Lashana: What will my character name be?
Lashana: Of course I know you, you just introduced yourself. You’re-
BB: No, no, the character’s name is “Nomi”.
Lashana: Oh, sorry. I see.
MGW: And you’ll be playing the part of 007.
(There is a moment’s silence.)
Lashana: (Understandably not wanting to get things wrong again.) I'm sorry, could you say that again, please?
MGW: You will be British secret agent 007.
Lashana: You mean that I’ll be driving an Aston Martin DB5 and drinking Vodka Martinis, shaken not stirred, and-
BB: No, Lashana, that’s what James Bond does.
Lashana: But you said-
MGW: No, we said that Nomi will be 007. The plot is that James Bond has retired from the Secret Service and obviously someone else now has to be 007.
Lashana: Ah, I see.
BB: James Bond will return during the story and the two of you will have some friction before learning to work together.
Lashana: So I’m going to be the first female 007...
MGW: That’s right- although not the first female 00-agent, that’s the sort of mistake we’d expect the tabloid newspapers to make.
Lashana: And the first Black 007.
BB: That’s correct, also.
Lashana: I can just see Idris Elba losing sleep about that one!
MGW: Well, that’s not what we’re after. Now, can you ride a Vesper?
MGW: Barbara, what I mean is, when Bond first meets Nomi and she gives him a lift...
BB: Oh yes. Sorry. I thought you meant...
MGW: Cary has had some, ah, unusual ideas but that isn't one of them.
Lashana: Yes, I can ride a motorbike.
BB: That's excellent.
Lashana: I won’t weep if I don’t get the job- this is no time to cry.
BB: Bad puns? Congratulations, you’re in.
Great work, Barbel! I Imagine transscribing all those bugged converstations takes a lot of work. But if you ever get tired, imagine how much time and effort it would've required if you had to make it all up! 🤯
The thanks are very much undeserved, Barbel. This is all your inspiration and perspiration 🍸
Thank you, C&D.
And N24, it would be really hard work to make all this up!
This takes place immediately before post 1647.
2021. Bill Tanner’s place. His parrot watches as he carefully shaves, brushes his teeth, etc, before going out. A bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine sit by the door.
Tanner: (Looking in the mirror.) Looking good, Bill, looking good.
Parrot: Who’s a pretty boy then?
Tanner: That’ll be enough cheek from you!
Parrot: Give us a kiss! Give us a kiss!
Tanner: (Knotting his tie.) Indeed I will not! It’s not kisses from you that I’m after tonight! Hmm, it’s good that I’ve had so much practice blending into the background at work- nobody suspects a thing!
Parrot: Polly wants a cracker!
Tanner: Oh no, it’s Billy who gets the cracker tonight!
Parrot: Billy gets a cracker?
Tanner: And if things go my way, you’ll be sharing with two very spoiled cats- so better make sure and stay on my good side!
(Tanner puts on his jacket, grabs the flowers and wine, and heads out the door. As his footsteps fade away….)
Parrot: You’ve got a good side?