Gymkata is too modest with the credit. It's mainly his work, I only assisted.
2021. Austin Powers and his boss, Basil Exposition, are at the movies seeing the new James Bond film.
Basil: Now remember, Austin, this takes place in a different timeline from the one you remember from the 1960s and onwards.
Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if this takes place in a different timeline then why was Judi Dench M for Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig? Why do we have a portrait of Robert Brown as M? Why do we have tunes and songs from the 1960s movies? Why is Felix smoking Delectados? Why does Bond have the Aston Martin with all the gadgets which he’s supposed to have won in a card game plus another one hidden away? Oh no, I’ve gone cross-eyed.
Basil: I suggest you don’t worry about this sort of thing and just enjoy yourself. (Looks straight at the person reading this.) And that goes for you all, too.
Austin: Smashing, Basil!
On a personal note, I say a rousing AMEN to what you wrote. This is fiction. These are actors.
Also, having now actually seen NTTD, I would not promote the 'Bobby Ewing in the Shower' ending at all. I thought it ended great.
All bad fan fiction from from some US State Department bloke, name of Logan Ash.
NORTH PACIFIC NEWS
Man found floating in ocean
Subsequent to the massive explosion on an unnamed island, as reported by this newspaper, a Caucasian man was found by one of our naval vessels in the ocean not far away, about .007 nautical miles to be exact.
He appeared to be dressed in the remains of military gear, and was clutching a child’s toy while murmuring “Dou dou” over and over. This has led medical staff to conclude that he has been stricken with amnesia which they hope will be susceptible to treatment, possibly in a nearby centre in Vladivostok.
“It is amazing that he has survived”, said the senior clinician, Dr Tanaka, “but then, as a famous author once said, “You only live…..
(Continued On Page 6)
In Other News:
Foreign warships retreat to their home ports- Page 3
UK denies all involvement. “Would I lie to you?” says PM B. Johnson- Page 4
Academy Award found among wreckage on island- Page 5
"After Basho" 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, definitely. Though, before then, "Who shot JR?" was a greater legend... a question entering the national consciousness even in blighty!
But of course.
Gents, these are all hilarious! 😂😂😂😂
2021. A large truck en route to Kobe Docks, Japan.
Timmy: Where exactly are we headed, Charlie?
Charlie: An island north of here - somewhere between Japan and Russia, Timmy.
Timmy: That sounds mysterious. (He pauses). Have you got the blueprints?
Charlie: Aye, safely tucked away.
Timmy: I have to say, driving this HGV is easier than I expected, even with all this heavy equipment.
Charlie: We'll certainly have jobs waiting for us when we get back to the UK. (He pauses). I don't think we've ever installed anything quite like this, have we, Timmy?
Timmy: No, Charlie, can't say we have. It's all very mysterious, these trapdoors.
Charlie: The guy who hired us was quite specific. They're operated by some kind of infrared sensor and fired by explosives, much like an airbag in a car. One second missiles are raining down on you, the next minute the trapdoors operate in a hundredth of a second, hurtling whoever is standing on them down into a missile-proof bunker.
Timmy: Much like the demon king in a pantomime?
Charlie: Yes, except the opposite way - downwards. The lucky person is protected from the brunt of the explosions and survives to live another day.
Timmy: Lucky person? From SPECTRE?
Charlie: Yes, according to the guy who hired us - Pradeep.
Timmy: Can you imagine the look on someone's face if they weren't from SPECTRE and didn't know what was coming?
Charlie: Bloody terrified. Then thanking their lucky stars they'd been born, and stared death in the face.
Timmy: One thing is bothering me. Having survived, how would they get off the island?
Charlie: See that odd shape under the tarpaulin back there? It's a bathosub. All good lairs should have one.
Timmy: Yes, very convenient. (He pauses, as they arrive at the docks). C'mon Charlie, we're due on board shortly - it's no time to drive.
You"be solved it! You just found the PTS of Bond26! Now the movie can be released in 2024, saving EON four years! 🥳
I wonder if Pradeep did any work on Safin's island...
Looks like a retrofit. Pradeep probably assigned the work to interns.
It did look a bit like a multi-story car park tbh. Dr No's lair looked better than that 60 years ago.
😂😂😂😂 Hey, that part about being born and staring death in the face sounded familiar....
Ah, lovely to see Timmy, Charlie, and Pradeep again. Almost made me weep, but this is, obviously, no time to cry.
2021. Belmarsh Prison.
Guard: Mr Blofeld, there’s someone here to see you.
Blofeld: Oh yes?
Guard: Wants to ask you a few questions, I said you’d probably refuse.
Blofeld: What is his name?
Guard: Bond. James Bond.
(In the corridor.)
A Different Guard: Do not touch or approach the glass. You pass him nothing but soft paper. No pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in his paper. Use the sliding food carrier. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do you understand me?
Bond: Yes, I understand.
(Bond walks down the corridor. The inmates there hiss at him. One quotes directly from the speeches of Boris Johnson. Finally Bond arrives at Blofeld’s cell.)
Blofeld: Good morning.
Bond: Mr Blofeld, my name is Bond, James Bond. May I speak with you?
Blofeld: You’re one of Gareth Mallory’s, aren’t you?
Bond: I am, yes.
Blofeld: May I see your credentials?
(He holds his credentials out for Blofeld to see.)
Blofeld: Closer, please. Closer.
(Blofeld sniffs the air as Bond moves closer.)
Blofeld: You use Pinaud Elixir shampoo. And sometimes you wear Floris Eau de Toilette. (Sniffs again.) But not today.
Bond: You see a lot, Blofeld. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? What about it? Why don't you look at yourself and write down what you see? Or maybe you're afraid to.
Blofeld: A Bond film ranker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a Vodka Martini.
Bond: Shaken, not stirred?
Blofeld: Of course. Now fly, Mr Bond, fly.
Bond: This is no time to-
Blofeld: Spare me the predictable puns. Look deep within yourself. And leave me to enjoy a quantum of silence.
Ewe scored a winner there, Barbel...
I wonder if he believes there's such a thing as a perfectly boiled Bond ranker. 🙂🙂🙂
This is by Gymkata, Barbel, and the last lines by Charmed & Dangerous.
2008. Inside a volcanic lair, Marc Forster is tensely riding a monorail when it comes to an abrupt stop.
Attendant: Welcome, Mr. Forster.
Forster: Thank you.
Attendant: This way, sir. They've been... expecting you.
(Forster follows, pensively looking around. He gets led into a large, circular room with no furniture.)
Forster: Hello? Um, hello?
Attendant: Just one moment, sir.
(Suddenly, a circular table and chairs rise from the floor. Michael Wilson, Barbara Broccoli, Neal Purvis and Robert Wade enter the room.)
BB: Marc, so good to meet you. Please, have a seat.
MGW: That’ll be all, Pradeep.
Attendant: Yes, sir.
BB: Now, Marc, tell us about this pitch that you have for the new film?
Forster: I think it’s time to make a Bond film like no other before it. I’d like to take James Bond to outer space and….
(He sees the heads shaking before him.)
MGW: We’ve done that, Marc, it was called “Moonraker”.
Forster: I see. Well, how about Bond thinks he has defeated the villain but in the last scene the villain suddenly re-appears, maybe in a car, and fires a gun shooting the girl Bond is with and…
(The heads shake again.)
BB: We’ve done that, too.
Forster: Right. How about James has just earned his 00 number and has to prove to M that he….
Purvis: Done that too.
Wade: Marc, please don’t take this the wrong way, but have you ever seen a James Bond movie?
Forster: Of course! The one with Fort Knox, and… um… the voodoo one, and…. er… there was one that was in India, wasn’t there?
MGW: (Whispers to BB.) Are we sure this is the right guy?
BB: (Whispers back.) Time’s running short, I don’t think we have a choice.
Forster: I’m looking forward to this, I’m sure I can make a good film for you.
MGW: Yes, I’m sure you will. Now, we’re making a different kind of film these days, not like the old Sean Connery or Roger Moore ones.
Forster: Sorry, Sean who?
(Eyes flicker around the table.)
BB: (Whispers to MGW.) I’m beginning to have my doubts.
MGW: (Back to BB.) Yes, me too.
Wade: Neal and I are trying to write a different kind of story this time.
Purvis: Yes, although we’re still keen on keeping as much of Ian Fleming’s material as we can.
Forster: Ian… Fleming?
BB: (To MGW.) Right, that’s it- who else have we got?
MGW: (To BB.) At this short notice? Only Lee Tamahori again.
BB: (To MGW.) Oh God…. (Aloud.) So, congratulations Marc, we’ll see you at Pinewood on Monday at 9am.
(Forster leaves, and MGW turns to BB).
MGW: C'mon Barbara, I need a Martini.
BB: Or six of them...
Wade: Hey, we can use that! Did you get it, Neal?
Purvis: (Scribbling away.) I got it.
2019. Eon HQ, above a SPECTRE meeting place in Cuba. Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli (Producers), Neal Purvis & Robert Wade (Screenwriters). No Director- Danny Boyle has left after, um, creative differences and no replacement has as yet been appointed.
MGW: So, what do we have so far?
Purvis: Well, we’re continuing to work our way through James Bond’s extrapolated family. We had a mother figure in “Skyfall”, a brother figure in “Spectre”, and two separate wife figures in Vesper and Madeleine.
Wade: So, this time we go for the child figure.
BB: The child figure?
Purvis: Oh yes, it’s the only way to go.
Wade: And it has its basis in Fleming- at the end of “You Only Live Twice”, you'll remember that Kissy Suzuki is pregnant with Bond’s child but he doesn’t know that, and stricken with amnesia he leaves her to find his past.
Purvis: So we know he has a child. We plan to make that kid Madeleine’s, again unknown to Bond, until late in the story.
Wade: It means we have to have a gap of a few years after “Spectre”, but at the rate we’re going that shouldn’t be a problem.
BB: And then what? Do we kill the kid in a huge explosion?
(The door opens as she's saying that and Daniel Craig enters.)
Craig: No- we kill Bond!
MGW: (Dumbfounded.) Wha....?
Craig: (Calm but determined.) We kill Bond. I told you I don’t want to do any more Bond movies, so we kill Bond.
BB: ….Say that again?
Purvis: (Excitedly.) Yes, we kill Bond! Guaranteed tear-jerker from the audience.
Wade: And just to reinforce that, we use the music from OHMSS throughout the movie, with characters saying lines like “We have all the time in the world”.
MGW: ….Yes, but…
BB: I like it!
MGW: (Feeling like the only sane person in the room.) But, Barbara-
BB: It’ll work!
MGW: But what about Bond 26?
Craig: No problem- you just have to be careful to leave yourselves with enough wiggle room to bring him back. As long as the audience can't figure it out, they'll be arguing about it for years.
Purvis: Or start doing movies in the past- Bond in 1966, Bond in 1976, Bond in 1986- any year we haven’t had a previous movie.
Wade: (Thoughtfully.) Or, of course, we could always do the “Dallas” Bobby Ewing thing- it was all a dream.
MGW: (Knowing he's outnumbered, remembering that he's supposed to be the boss round here but also remembering that he's nearly eighty years old and genuinely getting too old for all this and beginning to think that the word "retirement" becomes more beautiful every day.) I don’t know….
BB: Yes, I do- let’s go for it!
😬 Barbel, have you been bugging EON HQ again?
😈 I'm afraid so, it's too tempting to stop!
2021. Q’s flat. Q is becoming more and more agitated as Moneypenny and James Bond work on his computer, helping themselves to wine from his immaculately-set table.
Q: Look, will you just please be careful?
Bond: So, Moneypenny, give me a hand here, will you?
Moneypenny: Of course, James.
Bond: And another glass of that wine couldn’t go amiss.
Moneypenny: Good idea, I think I’ll join you.
Q: (Getting desperate.) Please, not the wine! He’ll be here any minute!
Moneypenny: Here you are, James.
Bond: Thank you.
Moneypenny: Now shove up a bit so I can get into that keyboard.
Q: Oh please, it took me ages to get that perfect, please watch what you’re doing there!
Moneypenny: (At screen.) Look here, James.
Bond: Yes, I see.
Moneypenny: More wine?
Bond: Excellent idea.
Q: Please, don’t do that. Don’t disturb the flowers!
(They drink while Q flusters.)
Moneypenny: (At screen.) Now, if you look at this here…
Bond: Yes, I-
(There is a knock at the door. Everyone freezes.)
Bond: Well, hurry up and answer the door, then.
(Q moves towards the door.)
Moneypenny: Yes, it wouldn’t do to keep Bill waiting….
(Q’s jaw hits the floor as he opens the door to admit Bill Tanner with a bouquet of roses in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other.)
Tanner: Ah… hello.
Q: You knew? Both of you knew?
Bond: Of course we knew- what we didn’t know was that it was supposed to be a secret!
@Barbel That is absolutely brilliant. Bravo.
So that's what the trailers meant by 'this changes everything'?