Love it!! 🍸🍸🍸 I wonder whether BB and MGW were thinking of that title when they chose it for Bond#25?
Better this film than the worst episode of Columbo that also shares the title.
The Year 2000, The English Riviera
Q and his wife enter the reception lobby of an old inn. Q’s wife is blonde, very beautiful, and several decades younger than him.
Mrs Boothroyd: I’m impressed you found this place dear. What with the weird signage. What does ‘Wry Fowl Teats’ even mean? Fowl don’t have teats.
Q: Maybe they meant the sign to say ‘Wry Wolf Teats.’
Mrs Boothroyd: Aren’t you clever, Q?
Q: You really shouldn’t call me that.
Mrs Boothroyd: Why not? You know how much fun we have with the toys you create.
Q: (Feigning embarrassment.) Hardly appropriate public conversation. -- Later perhaps.
The couple approach the reception desk and ring the bell. A woman comes out of the rear office. Her name tag says ‘Sybil.’
Sybil: Hello, how can I help you?
Q: Hello. You should have a reservation for a Major and Mrs Boothroyd.
Sybil: Of course. One moment, please. (Yelling into the office.) Basil get out here!
Basil: What is it, Sybil?
Basil Fawlty comes out of the rear office. Q looks at him in shock.
Q: Good God.
Sybil: Basil, these are the couple your brother called about.
Q: When R mentioned his brother he didn’t say you were twins.
Basil: We are not twins. I am two years older, one inch taller, and immeasurably better than Reginald in all aspects. Goes by ‘R’ does he? A failed attempt to sound cool and hip, no doubt.
Sybil: I believe Reggie arranged this getaway as a retirement present?
Mrs Boothroyd: It’s also an anniversary gift.
Sybil: How wonderful, how long have you two been married?
Mrs Boothroyd: Fifteen years.
Basil: My brother was rather cagey with his job description. Why would an import export company need a 'tinkerer' (Said with a sneer.) like Reginald?
Q: It’s more of a holding company. Engineers are needed for patent research.
Basil: That sounds suitably dull, much like my brother.
Sybil: Fifteen years? If I may be so forward, how did you two meet?
Basil rolls his eyes. He doesn’t care.
Mrs Boothroyd: It was India, 1983. I was a circus acrobat.
Basil is suddenly interested.
Basil: And you owned the circus?
Q: What? No. Why would you think…?
Mrs Boothroyd: The Major dropped in, literally. He was piloting a hot air balloon (She gives Q’s arm an affectionate squeeze.) He was very dashing.
Basil: You certainly pulled.
Sybil: (To Basil.) I would say you pulled, too, when you married me. Wouldn’t you agree, Basil?
Basil stands in awkward silence.
Basil: Of course, dear. I definitely pulled (Under his breath.) a noose over a beam.
Sybil: I’m sure the Boothroyds would like to see their room.
Basil: Yes. (If he must.) Manuel!
Manuel rushes in from the dining room.
Basil: Get the Boothroyds' luggage from their car…
Q: Silver 1997 BMW 750iL.
Basil: Right. Silver BMW and bring the luggage to Front Bedroom 1. Uno!
Q removes a small device from his pocket and presses a button.
Q: The boot is now unlocked. Do not touch anything on the fishing boat attached to the car, understand?
Manuel nods and heads out.
Q: Maybe I should assist him.
Basil: Nonsense, even Manuel couldn’t mess this up. What could possibly happen?
...though I'm surprised Basil and Sybil are still married after all those years...
That was a work of genius.
Someone on another board mentioned that Cleese definitely had a bit of Basil Fawlty in his characterization of 'R'. You took that to the next level brilliantly.
That was hilarious, W_D!
2003. A Starbucks. Miss Moneypenny and James Bond enter, place their order, then sit at a table.
Moneypenny: It’s very nice of you to invite me out for a coffee, James.
Bond: My pleasure, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny: James… after all these years there’s… there’s something I’d like to say to you.
Moneypenny: It’s just that…. we’ve been hiding our feelings for each other for such a long time-
Waiter: Order for Mondaybendy!
Moneypenny: ...for such a long time, and I think we should really-
Waiter: Mondaybendy! One skinny latte for (Reads out.) Mintybonnie!
Moneypenny: Oh, skinny latte- that’ll be for me.
(The waiter gives her the coffee.)
Moneypenny: Thank you.
Bond: Now, you were saying…?
Moneypenny: Was I? Oh yes, I was saying that-
Waiter: Bong Jams Pond! Order for Bong Jams Pond!
Bond: Please, do go on.
Moneypenny: It’s just that you and I-
Waiter: One double espresso, shaken not stirred! (Reads.) Bomb Jims Pong!
Bond: Double espresso, that’s mine.
Waiter: Here you go, Mr Bono. I’ve found what I’m looking for.
(The waiter gives Bond the coffee.)
Bond: Thanks. Now Moneypenny, what were you saying…?
Moneypenny: (Sadly.) Never mind, the moment’s gone now.
Great one, Barbel!
Thank you, Gentlemen. This one gestated for a while before all the pieces fell into place. It took forever to figure out what R stood for,
Next time I need to write something less dense.
Much appreciated! 😁
Do you think that as part of their training, Starbucks barristas worldwide are taught to mispronounce any name given to them, Bambi?
It may be true, Dominatrix Affix, it may be.
(Sidenote- a little earlier I was watching Genesis on YouTube, live last night playing "Domino"- a song about the domino effect, or as they put it the domino principle. Not by any chance a fellow fan, are you? Or is that just a coincidence?)
@Barbel I don't know which is funnier, the fact highly trained MI6 personnel can't recognize their own names, albeit mangled, or that Moneypenny doesn't order under Eve or Jane (depending on the continuity) and Bond orders coffee under Bondjamesbond. You have to say "Bondjamesbond" like Valentin Zukovsky.
You'll get no reply at all from me on that one, Bangle.
😱 That's all?
I'm glad you're in tune with my slightly warped sensayuma. 😊
Let me phil you in better: the genesis of the name the Domino Effect is in tribute to Domino Derval with a nod to Cold War fears, although I also am rather partial to Genesis as well.
Ah, thank you. I'll stop the Genesis puns now, before we get... in too deep.
1995. Eon HQ, under a guano mountain on a remote Caribbean island.
BB: Michael, I’ve been thinking…
MGW: Sure, what have you been thinking?
BB: Robert Brown has been a good M, but I think we have to move with the times.
BB: I think we should make M a woman.
MGW: You mean, like Stella Rimington being head of MI5?
BB: Yes, exactly.
MGW: It’s a good idea. Who did you have in mind?
BB: Well, I think we should upgrade M’s part and hire an internationally known actress, not too young, and preferably with recognition- perhaps Oscars, maybe even a title like “Dame”.
MGW: That makes sense.
BB: Someone with a long career, on stage, movies and television.
MGW: Of course. A name that audiences will recognise, and someone they will respect so James Bond will respect too.
BB: Yes, that’s it.
MGW: Well, as far as I can see there’s only one choice-
BB/MGW: Maggie Smith!
BB: Have you got her agent’s number?
MGW: Just give me a moment… Hello? This is Eon Productions. We’d like to enquire about the availability of… Ah… Yes, I see…. Thank you very much.
BB: Well? What did they say?
MGW: She isn’t available, she’s making a film of “Richard III” with Ian McKellen.
MGW: If only there was someone else we could ask…
BB: Yes, an internationally known actress, not too young, and preferably with recognition- perhaps Oscars, maybe even a title like “Dame”. Someone with a long career, on stage, movies and television. A name that audiences will recognise, and someone they will respect so James Bond will respect too.
MGW: If only there was someone else who fits that description….
BB: Wait a moment, I know someone who is on the shortlist to be a Dame.
MGW: Of course, she will be perfect. Let me look up Helen Mirren's number.
MGW: Hello? Is that Helen Mirren's agent? This is Eon Productions, we'd like to ask.... Oh? She is? ... Thank you.
BB: What did they say?
MGW: She's doing Prime Suspect for at least another year.
BB: Oh, dear. Who could we call...?
'What's Brenda Blethyn doing?'
They are all Dames to kill for.
2012. Eon HQ, somewhere in the London Underground system. Barbara Broccoli & Michael G. Wilson (Producers), Neal Purvis & Robert Wade (Screenwriters), Sam Mendes (Director).
Wade: ….so Bond takes M to his family home in Scotland…
Purvis: ...where they will make their last stand against Silva and his men.
BB: Sounds good, but after a stretch with just Bond and M alone I think we need to have someone else onscreen.
Mendes: Yes, we need to introduce another character.
Purvis: Well, how about the family gamekeeper, who’s been there since Bond was a boy? He’s now an old man, but still knows his way around and will be useful to Bond and M as they fend off Silva.
MGW: I like that!
Wade: We can work in some lines about how he knew Bond as a boy, maybe drop some hints as to Bond’s background- like when his parents died.
MGW: Yes, that works.
BB: (Thoughtfully.) So, we need an elderly Scottish actor then….?
MGW: Oh, Barbara, you don’t mean….?
BB: Yes, I do!
Purvis: I’m not sure…
Wade: He’ll never do it!
BB: We don’t know until we ask!
Mendes: Surely you can’t be serious.
BB: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley. (Sorry, couldn’t resist- Barbel.)
Mendes: I hear that he has retired.
BB: Only one way to find out.
Mendes: Are you going to give him a call, then?
BB: Oh no- Michael has to do it.
MGW: Why me?
BB: I was only a young girl when he was making the Bond movies. He’s much more likely to remember you.
MGW: I don’t think I know his number!
BB: No problem. (Opens a desk drawer.) Here’s Dad’s old book where he kept the phone numbers.
MGW: (Taking book.) Well…. Let’s see…. Adam, Ken… Allen, Irving but that’s scored out… Andress, Ursula… Barry, John… Bassey, Shirley… Binder, Maurice… Right, found it.
(Michael begins to dial.)
Sir Sean: (On phone.) Hello, who ish thish?
MGW: Hello, Sir Sean, this is Michael Wilson.
Sir Sean: Wilshon? I take it you’re from shome shtudio or other.
MGW: Yes, I’m from Eon Produc- Hello? Hello?
BB: What happened?
MGW: I think we got cut off. I’ll try again.
(He dials again.)
Sir Sean: (On phone.) Hello?
MGW: Ah hello, we seem to have got cut off. This is Michael Wilson again.
Sir Sean: Have we met, Wilshon?
MGW: Yes, a long time ago. I was with my stepfather Cubby Brocc- Hello? Hello?
BB: Is he still there?
MGW: (Sadly.) I think we can take that as a “No”.
Written by Number 24, Westward Drift, and Barbel
2021. (After the premiere of “No Time To Die”.)
BB: Daniel, that was wonderful!
Craig: Thank you!
MGW: And Barbara and I would like to ask you to come back and make just one more.
Craig: Well, I don't think...
(BB kneels in front of him and kisses his shoes.)
BB: Oh, please, Daniel, you know it would be the right thing to do!
(MGW showers Craig with obscene amounts of money. Some $100 bills get caught in BB's hair.)
Craig: Really, I dont-
MGW: Name your figure. We'll pay it.
Craig: It’s not about the money. I’ve done four of these films for you-
BB: Five, Daniel.
Craig: Oh yes, I was trying to forget about “Spectre”. Anyway, I’m 53 now and I think it’s getting to the point that-
MGW: Sean Connery was that age in “Never Say Never Again”.
Craig: But that wasn’t-
MGW: Yes, yes, I know it wasn’t. And of course Roger Moore still had another two Bond movies in him by that age.
Craig: I don’t want to do another “Octopussy”, where the viewers spend 50% of their time watching the movie and 50% of their time muttering “He’s getting too old for this”. Or even worse, another "A View To a Kill" where they spend 100% of their time saying "He IS too old for this."
BB: But Daniel, you look terrific!
Craig: Stop that, take your hand off my- stop that, I tell you! And every time I do one of these films a piece of me gets broken off. I don’t fancy myself as the vanishing man.
BB: Haven’t we always paid your medical bills?
Craig: I don’t want to spend yet another year of my life on location God knows where, far away from my family.
MGW: Bring them with you!
Craig: Yes, but they have lives too.
BB: Daniel, I have the obvious solution. Studios already do facial replacements on stunt people- how about a full digital replacement?
Craig: Like they do in “Star Wars”? Where they’ve made Princess Leia and Luke Skywalker look young again?
MGW: Of course, that’s it! Bond will be younger, and you only have to spend a few days voice recording.
Craig: (Anything to get away from them.) Look, let me think about that for a while, will you?
BB: Of course!
MGW: Just you let us know.
Barbara Broccoli is pleased to announce Daniel Craig to return as James Bond
Working title: “Definitely Never Say Definitely Not Again”
1964. Jaguar Cars, board meeting.
Chairman: ...so, overall, sales have been relatively encouraging. Now, I’d like to draw your attention to one of our rivals, Aston Martin Lagonda Ltd.
Vice President in Charge of Finance: But their sales have been only a fraction of ours.
Chairman: This is true, but I’ve managed to obtain a copy of their sales graph for this year.
Chairman: You see? Their sales have increased exponentially this year.
Vice President in Charge of Manufacturing: I know they don’t have our capacity for high levels of manufacturing.
Chairman: Yes, but this increase could have been ours and we could and should have taken full advantage of it.
Finance VP: But how?
Chairman: Well, let me tell you- Dick, do you remember getting a phone call from some people called Eon Productions?
VP in Charge of Marketing: (Knowing what’s coming.) Yes, I remember. They asked for four E-types, free of charge.
Chairman: And what did you say?
Marketing VP: I said no.
Chairman: You said no.
Marketing VP: They wanted a hole cut in one of their roofs! They said something about an ejector seat! They wanted bits and pieces cut out of two others, and one ready to drive- and they wanted them for nothing!
Chairman: Dick, have you ever heard of something called product placement?
Marketing VP: Yes, of course.
Chairman: When you said no, they went to Aston Martin who said yes. They used the car in a little film called “Goldfinger”, you might have heard of it?
Marketing VP: Yes, but-
Chairman: It’s by now the fastest grossing film of all time. This film broke box office records all over the globe. Millions of people saw James Bond driving an Aston Martin, a DB5 if I recall correctly, and all of those who could afford it ordered one. The company is now making profits they previously could only have dreamed of.
Marketing VP: I know, but-
Chairman: And this success could have been ours. Moreover, do you remember getting a call from a TV company called ITC a couple of years earlier?
Marketing VP: (Head hanging down.) Yes, I remember.
Chairman: They asked for one of our E-types for a TV series called “The Saint”. Do you remember?
Marketing VP: (Almost inaudible.) Yes.
Marketing VP: (Miserable.) I said no.
Chairman: So they went to Volvo. Would you like to see their sales chart?
Chairman: And you may remember getting a call from MGM about a series called “The Man from U.N.C.L.E.”?
Marketing VP: (Resigned to his fate.) Yes, I remember.
Chairman: I believe I have made my point. As a wise man once said- once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, the third time it’s enemy action. Now, I’ll give you the chance to resign gracefully. I believe there’s a vacancy at Decca Records, to replace the man who turned down The Beatles.
1965. S.P.E.C.T.R.E. HQ, Paris. Below the boardroom, two henchmen play cards.
Timmy: I’ll see your five, and raise you ten.
Charlie: Oh, feeling lucky are we?
Timmy: This is my lucky day!
Charlie: Right, I’ll make a bet with you- the next chair down is Number 11.
Timmy: Definitely not- I bet it’s Number 9.
Charlie: Fiver on it?
Timmy: A tenner!
Charlie: You’re on!
(They listen carefully to the sounds from above.)
Number 1: (Faintly from above.) Our expectations were considerably higher, Number 11.
Timmy: See? I told you! Get that tenner ready, boy.
Charlie: Give it time, just wait a moment.
Number 1: (Faintly.) I have decided on the appropriate action.
(There is a flash and a loud buzz of electricity. One of the chairs from the boardroom above sinks through the ceiling. Timmy and Charlie quickly remove a body from the chair and send it back up again.)
Timmy: It’s Number 11, isn’t it? I told you-
(Charlie holds up an ID from the body.)
Charlie: Number 9- just like I said.
(He hands a ten pound note to Charlie.)
Timmy: Well, better get on with it, I suppose.
(They remove all traces of ID from the body and drag it towards a drain.)
Charlie: This is mad when you think about it, you know.
Timmy: Could be worse. (They drop the body down the drain.) We could be like him- in Seine!
Charlie: It could be even worse, you know.
Charlie: It’s your turn to clean Number One’s cat’s tray….
Hey thanks, Gymkata!