2008. Russia. M and Bond talk, standing in snow.
M: Bond- I need you back.
Bond: I never left.
(He walks off, dropping Vesper’s necklace in the snow.)
Bond: Yes, ma’am?
M: You dropped something in the snow.
(She walks over.)
Bond: No, I didn’t.
M: Yes you did, look!
(She picks up the necklace.)
M: Isn’t this Vesper’s necklace?
Bond: (Stalling for time, knowing the end credits can't be far away.) Oh, is it?
M: You know very well it is!
(She holds it out to Bond.)
Bond: I didn’t say anything.
M: Yes you did, you said “M”.
Bond: No, I just…
(The “James Bond Theme” starts as we cut to the gunbarrel. Bond breathes a sigh of relief. The audience breathes a sigh of relief, too, since they had been afraid they might have to listen to “Another Way To Die” again.)
I agree wholeheartedly with C & D.
Thank you Number24 🍸
1973. The two drivers of a train heading south from New York.
Charlie: Won’t be long now till we’re there.
Timmy: Yup, soon be there.
(The northbound train passes them.)
Timmy: Hey, what? Charlie, did you see that?
Charlie: See what?
Timmy: There was a guy sitting on the front of that train!
Charlie: What? No way!
Timmy: Yeah! A man, sitting on the front of that train!
Charlie: Well, what did he look like?
Timmy: Nine feet tall, I swear. Black down one side of his face, white down the other, and he was wearing a top hat.
(Charlie looks suspiciously at Timmy.)
Charlie: Have you been drinking again, Timmy? I thought you said you’d given that up.
Timmy: No, of course I haven’t been drinking!
(He looks out of the window again, and his eyes widen.)
Charlie: Yeah, what now? A giant with steel teeth?
Timmy: No, that would be crazy. I could swear I just spotted…
Charlie: Spotted what?
Timmy: An arm lying by the side of the track.
Charlie: (Flat, deadpan.) An arm.
Timmy: (Looking sheepish.) Yeah, an arm. With a… (Spots the way Charlie is looking at him, and decides to go for it anyway.) … with a steel hook at the end of it.
Charlie: Look, if you’ve not been drinking, what have you been smoking and can I have some of it, please?
Timmy: No, honest, nothing like that.
Charlie: Now stop this! Next thing you’ll be telling me is that you’ve seen a dead body with only one arm!
(Timmy looks out of the window, goes to speak, then decides that silence might be the better option.)
1998: Michael Apted is directing Pierce Brosnan and Denise Richards.
Apted: 'OK, places. Everyone to their marks.'
Richards: 'Excuse me, Michael? Michael? How do you want me to do my lines here?'
Apted: 'I don't care, just say 'em.'
Richards: 'Well...do you want me to be snarky? Serious? Playful? Can you give me something?'
Apted: 'Just do what you feel in the moment.'
Richards: 'Well, OK. I just wish I knew what you wanted...'
Apted: 'Pierce, you ready?'
Brosnan: 'I think so. How much of a wink/nudge do you want me to put into the punchline here?'
Apted: 'Really go for it, Pierce. Dial it up to 11.'
Brosnan: 'Cheers, I'm ready then.'
Richards: 'Anything for me?'
Apted: 'No. Roll sound...and...ACTION!
Apted: 'We're rolling, Denise.'
Richards: 'Right...The world's greatest terrorist running around with six kilos of weapons-grade plutonium can't be good. I gotta get it back, or someone's gonna have my ass.'
Brosnan: 'First things first.'
Apted: 'Cut, print it. Great work, Pierce.'
Richards: 'Michael? I was a tad rushed there. I think I can give it a better take if we go again.'
Apted: 'No need, I got it in one.'
Richards: 'Really, I don't think I did very good there. Can we go again?'
Brosnan: 'She wants another take, Michael. We're all set up still, let's do it.'
Apted: (grumbles) 'Fine, whatever. Everyone back to your marks.'
Brosnan: 'You've got this, Denise.'
Richards: 'Thanks Pierce. Michael? Can you give me any input at all here on how...'
Richards: (flustered) 'The world's greatest terrorist running around with six kilos of weapons-grade plutonium can't be good. I gotta get it back, or someone's gonna have my ass.'
Apted: 'Cut, print it. We're done here.'
Richards: 'Can we go again? Please?'
Apted walks away, grumbling that he had no input on the casting of Denise Richards...
Good one, Gymkata.
Great ones, both of you! 🤣🤣🤣
1971. Eon Productions, Publicity Department.
Frank: Well, I think that’s it done now.
Bob: Yes, I think we’ve covered everything they wanted- we’ve got the space laser glistening with diamonds, the moon buggy,….
Frank: Lots of helicopters, Blofeld’s bathosub...
Bob: The oil rig exploding…
Frank: Two pretty ladies wearing next to nothing with James Bond standing in between them…
Bob: Lots of diamonds…
Frank: It’s looking pretty crowded, I don’t see how we could squeeze anything else in!
Bob: Yes, I think they won’t find anything to complain about this time!
(The telephone rings.)
Bob: Hello, Publicity Department… Ah, hello Mr Broccoli.
(Frank looks over sharply.)
Bob: So you got the poster then? … Yes… Yes… I see… But you said… Well, it’s a bit late to change things now, we’ve already…. Yes, I think we’ll just have to let that one go … Thanks, Mr Broccoli.
(He hangs up.)
Frank: What was it? What didn’t he like?
Bob: He doesn’t like the frogmen.
(He examines the poster again.)
Frank: Oh yeah, they’re there all right- but they’re very small- even I had to search for them! (I bet you did, too- Barbel)
Bob: Seems they decided to delete them from the film- after he told us to put them in!
Frank: I wouldn’t worry, Bob. No-one’s going to ask for their money back just cos they saw frogmen in the poster but not in the film!
1987. Main airport, Tangier.
Airport Official: Good to see you again, General Pushkin.
Pushkin: Thank you.
(Displays his diplomatic passport.)
Pushkin: And of course my secretary, Miss Rubavitch, and two of my assistants.
(More papers are displayed.)
Official: Of course.
(Two of Pushkin’s men follow, carrying a large canvas bag.)
Official: Just a moment, please.
Pushkin: There is a problem?
Official: What is this… object?
Official: Yes, your men are carrying a large bag.
Pushkin: This is the diplomatic bag, of course. Under international law this is untouchable by customs.
(The bag wriggles and a faint “Mmmphh” can be heard.)
Official: What have you got in there?
Pushkin: That is my business and that of the Soviet Union.
Official: Have you got a person in there?
Pushkin: Sorry, old man. Section 26, paragraph 5. Need to know. Sure you understand.
My thanks to the guys at Was Koskov in TLD killed? — ajb007 for the inspiration. 😊
I was kinda expecting multiple...smaller...diplomatic bags.
You're more bloodthirsty than I've thought, Gymkata- that never occurred to me!
I may have suggested such a bloodthirsty solution. But please remember I come from a voilent and bloodthirsty society. 🤕 😁
1974. Q’s laboratory.
Q: Lazar? Hmmm… imaginative…. highly specialised… Yes, I concur.
(Q’s team blow up a wall behind them.)
Bond: Well, what the hell is Lazar?
Colthorpe: Not what, who. Portugese. Lives in Macau.
Q: Chap who made the bullet, 007.
Bond: And you can tell all that from the bullet I gave you?
Q: Oh, no.
Q: We looked at the bullet which was sent to M.
Bond: So, I didn’t need to quiz Moneypenny, go to Beirut, seduce a cabaret dancer, and fight three heavies at all?
Q: Yes, that’s right.
Yes, that was the point I was making. 🤣
Loving all of these, guys!
January, 1972. Crowds of happy punters stream out of the Odeon, Leicester Square, having enjoyed watching the 'real' James Bond's return to the screen. But one dissatisfied cinemagoer marches irately over to the box office.
Punter: "Where *were* they?"
Cinema manager: "Excuse me...?"
Punter: "Where can I *find* them?"
Cinema manager: "I'm sorry....?"
Punter: "I won't ask politely next time!"
Cinema manager: "Come again...?"
Punter (pointing to the poster in the lobby and raising a fist): "Where were those frogmen who were supposed to jump into the sea from the choppers?"
Cinema manager: "B...B...B...Bob and Frank! Ask... Bob and Frank of Eon's publicity department!"
(Punter demands his ticket money back and saves it up for a re-run of 'Thunderball'...)
1983. James Bond flies the AcroJet, pursued by missiles, towards the hangar he had previously been attempting to blow up while disguised as...
Colonel Toro: Close the doors! Close the doors!
Private: Close the doors, sir?
Colonel Toro: You heard me, close the doors!
Private: But, sir, if that small plane is unable to leave our highly explosive hangar it will smash into the doors, and the whole place will blow up and we will undoubtedly die.
Colonel Toro: I am your Colonel! Obey at once!
Private: If you say so, sir….
(The soldiers begin to move the doors. Bond nevertheless manages to escape before the doors are closed.)
Colonel Toro: You were not fast enough!
Private: Er, sir…..? If that missile is unable to leave our highly explosive hangar it will smash into the doors, and the whole place will blow up and we will undoubtedly-
(The missile following Bond crashes straight into the hangar, and all are blown to the sky.)
“A load of bull” – Gymkata
“Have you been drinking again?” - Charmed & Dangerous
“You forgot the pretty girl” – Number 24
At least you acknowledge your own shortcomings. 🧐
1995 A secret complex beneath the Leavesden Aerodrome, Hertfordshire.
Martin Campbell enters an underground bunker retrofitted into a screening room. He notices Barbara Broccoli and Michael G Wilson seated on a raised platform. While Michael is seated in a padded theatre seat, Barbara is seated in Blofeld’s black leather G Plan 6250 chair from "You Only Live Twice".
MGW: (Gesturing.) Hello Martin, have a seat.
(Campbell focuses on a canvas directors chair. He recognizes it as his chair.)
Campbell: When I found my chair missing from the set and you summoned me I thought I was being fired.
BB: Not even a consideration, Martin. Imagine, a woman takes over a major production company in charge of a successful franchise and keeps firing directors? How would that look? The press would say I’m dumber than a pet monkey.
MGW: That reminds me, Kathleen Kennedy has invited us to screen a rough cut of “Congo”.
(Campbell sits in his chair. He finds himself now having to look slightly up to Broccoli and Wilson. He takes a brief look up to the ceiling. It’s steeply angled with a circular cutout. Crossbeams have interacted with lights in the cutout, making it look like Campbell is sitting in a spider’s web.)
MC: Did Ken Adam design this room, by any chance?
BB: My personal assistant designed this room. He’s got some serious talent. In fact, he’s the man running the projector for me.
(Barbara gestures toward a bearded man in the projector room.)
BB: Roll it, Pradeep!
(The lights dim and on screen plays Bond’s first meeting with the new M in her office.)
M: Would you care for a drink?
Bond: Um...thank you. Your predecessor kept some Cognac in the top drawer..
M: I prefer Bourbon.
(M removes a bottle of Jack Daniel's No. 7 from a cabinet and pours the drinks. The bottle is clearly visible in close-up as M pours the two glasses.)
BB: What the hell is that, Martin?
Campbell: I’m not following you.
BB: You’ve inserted a close-up of the whiskey. The first of several. See? There’s another as M gives her briefing. We can’t have it.
Campbell: Why not?
MGW: Because they haven’t paid for product placement. (MGW hands Campbell a large pile of contracts.) Omega, BMW, Perrier. Then there’s IBM, Smirnoff, Persol. Oh, and British-
BB: Thank you, Michael. The point, Martin, is that they’ve all paid for their close-ups. Jack Daniels hasn’t. Heck, you pilfered the bottle from Michael’s desk.
M: You don’t like me, Bond. You don’t like my methods. You think I’m an accountant, a bean counter, more interested in my numbers than your instincts.
Bond: The thought had occurred to me. I am however more dismayed that you would consider Jack Daniel's a bourbon when it is not a bourbon but a Tennessee whiskey.
M: I see. Well, Bond, I think you’re a sexist, misogynist dinosaur. A relic of the Cold War. A man so ossified in his views on alcohol that he believes the marketing on a label of whiskey over the facts literally in his hand.
(Bond takes another sip of his drink.)
Bond: Point taken.
M: Not quite, 007. What is the definition of a bourbon?
Bond: (His voice sounding slightly different.) Bourbon is a whiskey produced in the United States from a mash bill of at least fifty-one percent corn and aged in charred new oak barrels. The mash bill is distilled to...
MGW: (Whispering.) Is Pierce doing a Roger Moore impersonation?
Campbell: (Whispering.) Maybe.
M: Bond, but for the addition of charcoal filtering via the Lincoln County Process prior to entering the barrel, is there anything in the definition of Tennessee whiskey, let alone its taste, to differentiate it from a bourbon, especially since many bourbons are charcoal filtered after aging?
Bond: No, I suppose not.
Campbell: See? It provides necessary character development. It shows M isn’t just the evil Queen of Numbers but can look at situations holistically. It also shows Bond isn’t just driven on instinct and isn’t necessarily always correct.
BB: Lose it, Martin.
Campbell: Barbara, I already cut the sequence of Bond making his way from the base annex under the dam to the top of the mountain in the pre-titles...
BB: No Bond film needs a PTS as long as that… yet. Tell you what, cut this down and if you choose to do another Bond film you can have a scene where all the characters expound the virtues of a Vesper Martini. Sound good?
(Campbell nods. He knows he’s beaten.)
BB: Now carry your chair upstairs and get back to work.
(Onscreen, Bond finishes his drink and gets up.)
(James turns. M gives a slight smile.)
M: Come back alive.
Bond: Of course. When I get back, remind me to introduce you to Talisker or Macallan.
Using the product placement is a different angle. Nice one!
Based on an idea by Charmed & Dangerous.
1983. Taliafilm HQ, behind a bikeshed.
McClory: Well, Sean, it’s good to have you back as James Bond.
Connery: It’sh good to be back, Kevin.
McClory: It’s been a few years since your last Bond movie, and I feel that we ought to acknowledge that somehow.
Connery: Well, it could be part of the plot that Bond hash been effectively retired and ish brought back for thish mission.
McClory: Yes, I think that’s a good idea.
Connery: He findsh that shome thingsh have changed, but othersh are jusht the shame.
McClory: I think we have to go that way.
Connery: Will Blofeld be in thish film?
McClory: Oh definitely- we have the rights and we should use them.
Connery: Broccoli won’t be too pleashed.
McClory: You know, there were many people who thought you wouldn’t be back, making comments like “never again”.
Connery: Well, a man can change hish mind. And the very handshome shum of money you’re paying me helped a lot with that.
McClory: There’s more to life than money, Sean. Think of the art, think of posterity.
Connery: Well, ash long ash it’sh better than my previoush Bond film I’ll be happy!
2019... no, make that 2020... make that 2021. Eon HQ, above a casino in Monte Carlo.
BB: Well, Daniel, it’s good to have you back as James Bond.
Craig: It’s good to be back, Barbara.
BB: It’s been a few years since your last Bond movie, and I feel that we ought to acknowledge that somehow.
Craig: Well, it could be part of the plot that Bond has been effectively retired and is brought back for this mission.
BB: Yes, I think that’s a good idea.
Craig: He finds that some things have changed, but others are just the same.
BB: I think we have to go that way.
Craig: Will Blofeld be in this film?
BB: Oh definitely- we have the rights and we should use them
Craig: McClory wouldn’t have been too pleased.
BB: You know, there were many people who thought you wouldn’t be back, making comments like “slashing your wrists”.
Craig: Well, a man can change his mind. And the very handsome sum of money you’re paying me helped a lot with that.
BB: There’s more to life than money, Daniel. Think of the art, think of posterity.
Craig: Well, as long as it’s better than my previous Bond film I’ll be happy!
McClory: Sean, you'll be 53 when this film comes out...
Sean: The damned newshpapersh won't let me forget it.
BB: Daniel, you'll be 53 when this film comes out...
Daniel: Shhh... I have don't think anyone has noticed...
I wish I'd thought of that! Still, 😁😁😁
Busful of skeletons found near London
Metropolitan police are investigating the discovery of a bus in a layby near the M25. The passenger compartment was full of skeletons, mainly male, dressed in the remains of Tom Ford suits.
“We are appealing to the public for any information that may help us in this enquiry”, said a police spokesperson. “Some of the skeletons were clutching model Aston Martin DB5s, others had replica Walther PPKs, the legality of which we are currently looking into. No food was found, although we did discover flasks containing vodka martinis. These had definitely been shaken, not stirred.”
All bar the driver were found to possess tickets labelled “November 2019: World Premiere of No Time To….
(Continued on Page 6)
In Other News:
Billie Eilish plans to re-release her last single… again- Page 3
Ben Whishaw announces retirement “If they keep making Bond movies at this pace I’ll be older than Desmond Llewelyn in the next one”- Page 4
'One of the skeletons was wearing a pair of green trainers.'
Dammit, another good Idea I wish I'd thought of! 😖
Majority of credit goes to Barbel.
Production meeting. Cubby Broccoli (Producer), Terence Young (Director), Richard Maibaum (Screenwriter), Ted Moore (Cinematographer).
Terence: Well, you’ve seen the rough cut, Cubby, what do you think?
Cubby: It’s looking good, guys- some beautiful shots, Ted.
Ted: Thanks, Cubby.
Terence: Our other producer couldn't make it? What does he think?
Cubby: He's off doing his own thing again. Can't be bothered with our more commercial films. Now, Richard, some good lines in there.
Richard: Glad you liked them!
Cubby: I wasn’t sure about that “Tiger” character, though. Are you sure we need him?
Richard: He’s important, and he was in the book- I feel we have to use him. We've already deviated from the book in so many other ways.
Cubby: Ok then. Terence, Luciana Paluzzi looks fabulous, really sexy.
Terence: She does that. Good actress. You liked the action scenes, though?
Cubby: Yeah, great stunts. I take it that was Bob?
Terence: Bob Simmons, of course.
Cubby: Now, about the title. The distributor thinks it's nonsensical and wants something with more punch.
Richard: What does 'more punch' mean? Insert an exclamation mark?
Terence: But it's the title of the book and I think it makes sense.
Cubby: (Chuckling.) Don't worry. That's what I said, Terence. Besides we already announced the upcoming release.
Terence: Well, we’d better get a move on- don’t want to miss the release date.
Cubby: That would be terrible- people would be very disappointed and they’d be talking about it for years to come if we were late releasing this film.
Terence: No worries, Cubby- “No Time To Die” will be released on time!