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No Pradeep??? 😱
Nice one, CHB.
1987. A concert hall. John Glen is filming the concluding scenes of “The Living Daylights” with Maryam d’Abo as Kara and John Barry playing the orchestra conductor.
John Barry: I’m a bit nervous about this, John. I’m not an actor, I’m a musician.
John Glen: Nothing to it- you just conduct the orchestra like you would do if we weren’t filming. You’ve done this before, haven’t you?
Barry: Well, yes, but that was twenty years ago.
Glen: And I’ve got Kara Milovy at the front of the orchestra playing cello. The cello was important earlier in the plot, so I want to bring everything full circle by having it featured here at the end of the movie.
Barry: All right, we’ll give it a try.
(Maryam d’Abo, playing Kara, sits in position holding the cello with a bullet hole as seen earlier.)
2nd Cellist: (Whispering.) We’re supposed to believe that’s a Strad?
3rd Cellist: (Whispering.) And we’re supposed to believe it’ll still sound all right with a bullet hole in it? (Snorts.)
2nd Cellist: (Whispering.) And look at her hands- we’re supposed to believe she’s really playing?
Barry: That’s enough, you two, get down to work.
2nd Cellist: Oh yes, certainly, Mr Norman.
3rd Cellist: Anything you say, Mr Norman.
2nd Cellist: That’s interesting, I’ve never actually seen a man’s head explode before.
1985. Set of “A View To A Kill”.
John Glen: Right, everybody in place in five minutes please.
BB: Oh no, does that mean….?
MGW: Yes, I’m afraid so.
BB: But I’m scared! Dad, please, help me out!
Cubby: You’re here to learn the ropes, Barbara. You’re an assistant director, and this is part of an assistant director’s job.
BB: Michael, please, you do it.
MGW: I’ve worked my way up, Barbara, this is your turn.
BB: Yes, but you only had Jaws to worry about- this is much scarier.
MGW: Nope, you have to do it.
BB: (Little girl voice.) Oh Daddy, Daddy, you do it for me.
(Cubby just looks at her.)
BB: (Sighs.) All right…
(She goes to a trailer door and timidly knocks.)
BB: Miss Jones? You’re wanted on set.
I imagine that's pretty much how it happened. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Well, I don't know if she complained to her father and brother but BB didn't enjoy being assigned to Grace Jones.
Concerns raised over quality of police vehicles
Concerns have been raised over the quality of vehicles used by the police after one has been found detached from its underchassis outside the capital city. The official explanation of “salt corrosion” has not been accepted by critics.
Reports of a second police vehicle being pulled out of a frozen lake have been denied by senior police officers, and the activity in the area described as merely a “training exercise”.
Unconfirmed reports of more vehicles being destroyed are….
(Continued on Page 6)
In Other News:
Cello case found in telephone box- Page 3
KGB General visits city on “fact-finding mission”- Page 4
Local orchestra seeks new member- Page 5
1995. ST. PETERSBURG TIMES
Tank Causes Chaos In City Streets
Members of the public fled in panic yesterday as a military tank broke out of its parking enclosure and ran amok, damaging several historic buildings in the process. Nineteenth-century architecture was reduced to rubble as the tank led police cars on a high-speed chase towards the railway yards.
Unconfirmed reports that several police and military vehicles were, in fact, destroyed in the pursuit have been denied by the authorities, who were quick to reassure the public that that the tank’s army driver merely “got a bit lost.”
Nonetheless, questions are being asked as to how this accident was allowed to occur. Government sources claim…(see page 5.)
In Other Stories:
Military train crashes in countryside- Page 4
Defence Minister found dead- Page 6
Computer programmer missing- Page 8
"The spectre of defeat..."
Barbel is up to his usual high standards while SpectreOfDefeat shows a a lot of promise. 😁
Yes, I enjoyed that, SoD. Please, do another!
ITV NEWS AT TEN - Sometime in 1969
Trevor: And finally…Commander James Bond, who has appeared in news items on this programme before, came to the rescue of a Countess who had gambled and lost a significant amount of money to a rich looking gambler. Commander Bond paid the debt for her when she confessed that she had bet without the means to cover the bet. The rich looking gambler was quoted as saying that, although I look rich, I was on a lucky streak, my name is Kurt, and I am in fact only a chef who is taking up an appointment at a hotel in Torquay, England run by a Mister Fawlty, to provide special gourmet night dinners. Commander Bond was apparently heard muttering “this never happened to the other fella”…goodnight (smiles at camera, shuffling his papers).
CHB, would this Mister Fawlty have a twin brother who worked for the British Government around the turn of the century?
1985. SAN FRANCISCO STAR
Foreign Felon Flees Fire Truck Fiasco
San Francisco ground to a halt last night, as traffic was held up by what appeared to be a high-speed chase involving a stolen fire truck and a number of police cars. The incident is rumoured to be related to the powerful fire which broke out at City Hall earlier that same evening, leading to fire department crews rushing to tackle the blaze.
Unconfirmed eyewitness reports claim that a man could be seen hanging from the ladder of the fire truck during the pursuit, while police detectives suspect that an English tourist may be responsible for the mayhem. A local sheriff told reporters that, “He’s armed, and he’s sure dangerous…” Members of the public are being warned not to approach the apparently unthreatening middle-aged man, who gave his name to the police when challenged as ‘James Bond.’ Police sources claim that he was aided in his daring escape by a female accomplice, who can be identified only by her distinctive high-pitched screaming. The FBI have released a statement…(see page 6.)
Renowned horse racing expert found dead- page 3
French authorities hunt mysterious Eiffel Tower parachutist- page 5
PLUS: We interview local businessman Max Zorin on the secrets of his success
😁😁😁 Loved the alliteration.
I wish I’d thought of that!
Did Dr No actually request the concave window in his lair making the fish look big or did our good friend Pradeep get into trouble, I wonder?
CRAB KEY CHRONICLE
Much awaited visitors finally arrive.
The anticipated arrival of two visitors has at last been confirmed by Sister Rose. “We simply didn’t know when to expect them”, said the much loved Sister. “First it was teatime yesterday, and then dinner”.
A third expected visitor has not arrived, but no-one is getting burned up about it. A memorial service for Professor Dent might be held later today, if enough mourners can be found. Rumours that our feared dragon has suffered some injuries have been…
New megaphone ordered for boat patrol- Page 3
Extra soap provided for decontamination area- Page 4
“I built all this with my own two hands”: Interview with Dr No- Page 5
1962: Jamaican Chronicle
Man Has Seizure on Dance Floor
Paramedics responded to a local dance club where a man was having an apparent seizure while dancing. During the song 'Jump Up', the unidentified male dancer was noticeably out of synch with the rest of the dancers and was jumping arythmically, throwing his hands all over the place and threatening to hurt other dancers.
'At first, we just thought he was just a bad dancer. It wasn't until later that we realized that there was actually something wrong with him' said Mona Capri, a fellow patron of the club. 'We all gave him plenty of space as his arms were windmilling everywhere and he was jumping up and down in a crazy fashion.'
Ambulances arrived on the scene and managed to remove the gentleman from the crowd. Witnesses say that he kept flailing his arms around even while laying on the gurney. Additionally, there were several...
(continued on page 6)
In other news:
Dead tarantula found in hotel room (page 9)
'Underneath the Mango Tree' continues at #1 on the Jamaican Hot 100 (page 11)
Reports of really loud tank painted like a dragon that isn't fooling anyone on Crab Key (page 14)
😂😂😂 Nice gif!
Well, since we're on this film...
Felix: Ahoy, Mr Bond! Ahoy, Mr Bond!
Bond: Well, well. What’s the matter? Do you need help?
Felix: (Noticing Honey.) I’m quite sure you don’t.
Bond: Now that you’re here, you better give us a tow.
Felix: Throw us your line.
(Bond throws a line to Felix’s boat, but as they speed up Bond lets the line run out of his hands as he begins to kiss Honey. Some music swells, and…)
Felix: Hey, James! Pay attention here!
Felix: I’m going to throw you another line, and this time make it secure!
Bond: Oh, yes, of course.
(Felix throws a line and this time watches as Bond makes it secure.)
Felix: Right, this time, no mistakes.
Bond: But of course.
(He begins to pay attention to Honey again.)
Bond: (Interrupted.) What?
Felix: Where’s Quarrel?
The Jamaican Chronicle and the Crab Key Chronicle (a local paper for very local people) are periodicals of note! 🤣🤣🤣
(Most of this comes from direct quotes or paraphrases.)
5th October 1962.
In the bar of the London Pavilion, after the premiere of “Dr No”.
Ian Fleming: ….and make sure it is shaken, not stirred.
Barman: Yes sir, got that.
Terence Young: Well, hello Ian. I was fairly sure I’d find you here.
Fleming: Drowning my sorrows, perhaps?
Young: Oh, it’s not that bad surely.
(The barman arrives with Fleming’s drink.)
Young: My friend, bring me one as well. Hold the fruit.
Barman: Yes sir.
Young: So, what did you think of Connery now you’ve seen him in the part?
Fleming: Not my idea of Bond- but he would be if I were to write the books over again.
Young: I knew you’d be convinced.
(The barman arrives with Young’s drink.)
Fleming: I was looking for the giant squid at the end, and it didn’t appear!
Young: Simply budget, dear boy, simply budget. I would have loved to have Ray Harryhausen come up with that, but it sadly wasn’t possible.
Fleming: I was very happy with Ursula Andress, I must say.
Young: Yes, I thought you might be.
Fleming: You kept that part very close to my book.
Young: Oh yes.
Young: Except what?
Fleming: Well, in the book she’s naked.
Young: (Scoffing.) There is no way that would pass the censor!
Fleming: I suppose not.
Young: Did you like Felix Leiter?
Fleming: Well, the actor was fine but Felix isn’t in that book!
Young: I know, but we’re launching a series and we had to introduce him.
Fleming: Miss Moneypenny was excellent- when I visualised Miss Moneypenny in the James Bond stories, I saw her as a tall, distinguished-looking woman with the most kissable lips in the world. She, dear boy, was exactly the woman I visualised.
Young: Well, I’m glad we got that right. So, what do you think overall?
Fleming: Those who’ve read the book will be disappointed. But those who haven’t will find it a wonderful film.
Young: I hesitate to ask, but did you like our Dr No?
Fleming: I’d have preferred Christopher Lee.
Young: Yes, well, that just wasn’t possible.
Fleming: How so?
Young: Budget again- he charges a million a shot.
1963. The Norman household.
Diana: Darling, I wish you’d stop pacing up and down like that.
Monty: But it’s so near the time and they haven’t called.
Diana: Just try and relax, my love.
Monty: I can’t relax! They start shooting “From Russia With Love” any day now and still they haven’t phoned me.
Diana: Here, let me sing to you. (Sings.) Underneath the mango tree, my honey and me-
Monty: I wrote them that song! And “Jump Up”!
Diana: And “Three Blind Mice”.
Monty Yes, that’s right, I wrote "Three Blind Mice"..... well, I wrote “Kingston Calypso” which isn’t “Three Blind Mice” at all.
Diana: I remember.
Monty: And most important of all…
Diana: (Knows what’s coming.) Yes, dear?
Monty: I wrote “The James Bond Theme”!
Diana: Of course you did, my darling.
Monty: Ha! Yes, I wrote that myself!
Diana: Of course you did, my love.
Monty: Yes, all by myself with no help from anyone else. That’s why they have to choose me to write the music for “From Russia With Love”.
Diana: Yes, my-
Monty: And “Goldfinger”, and “Thunderball” and “You Only Live Twice” and “On Her Majesty’s-
Diana: (Firmly.) YES, dear. Now try and relax. Here, I’ll turn the radio on.
(Music fills the room.)
Monty: Now, that’s really good.
Radio: And that was the latest from the John Barry Seven, it’s-
1963. As James and Tatiana ride in a gondola, he begins to kiss her.
Tatiana: James, behave yourself. We are being filmed.
James: Oh no, not again.
(He brings out a roll of film, holds some up to the light and examines it.)
James: He was right, you know.
Tatiana: What is it?
James: I’ll show you.
(As they kiss, James lets the film unroll and drop into the water. Music begins to swell...)
Passing Gondolier: Hey, you! You there!
James: Me? What?
Gondolier: We have strict litter rules here in Venice. You take this back!
(He picks up the film with his pole and hands it back to a rather embarrassed James.)
Gondolier: And don’t do that again!
Tatiana: This film, let me see.
James: No, Tatiana, please-
(But he is too late. Tatiana has grabbed the film and is holding it up to the light.)
Tatiana: Oh, I know this room. And I think I recognise…. Oh!
James: Tatiana, I can explain-
Tatiana: You need to explain nothing! I can see it all now!
James: But, my darling-
Tatiana: You pervert!
(She grabs the pole from their gondolier and begins battering James with it.)
James: Please, no, Tatiana- Ow! Argh!
(His yells are drowned out by the rising voice of Matt Monro.)
😂😂😂 These are brilliant -as always, Barbel! '...and that was the latest from the John Barry Seven...' 🤣🤣
Thank you, C&D. 😊
Written by Charmed & Dangerous & Barbel.
1983. Eon HQ, disguised as an iceberg off Siberia. Cubby Broccoli (Producer), his stepson Michael G. Wilson (Executive Producer/Screenwriter), Richard Maibaum (long time Screenwriter), John Glen (Director), Barbara Broccoli (Assistant Director, but more importantly Cubby's daughter).
Cubby: (Putting down a wax effigy of Kevin McClory into which he's been carefully sticking pins.) So, everyone, we need to pick a title for our next Bond film. We’ve used up all the Fleming novels, plus the title of his short story collection “For Your Eyes Only”.
Richard: We could start looking at the short stories…?
John: What are the titles there, then?
Richard: Well, there’s “From A View To A Kill”.
Cubby: Wow, now there's a mouthful- maybe if we shortened that a bit it might do. What else?
Richard: “Quantum Of Solace”.
MGW: Hey, I like that!
BB: Me too!
Cubby: What? Terrible title. Imagine making a hit song from that title?
Richard: It'd certainly be another way to die in the charts. How about “Risico”?
John: That one sounds like risky business to me. And the 'sico' bit sounds, well...
Richard: Absolutely, James Bond it's not. (Pauses.) How about "The Hildebrand Rarity”?
Cubby: Oh no, that won’t do at all. Sounds like a second-hand bookshop in the backstreets of London.
BB: There is another book of short stories, you know....
Cubby: What’s it called?
Richard: That would be “Octopussy and The Living Daylights”.
Richard: It’s usually shortened just to “Octopussy”.
MGW: Yes, but clearly we can’t use that because-
Cubby: Octopussy! I like it!
John: You do?
Cubby: I do!
MGW: But Cubby, don’t you think - puss...
Cubby: It’s a genuine Fleming title, much better than us thinking up something including “Die” or “Kill” or “Gold”.
John: Yes, I can't see us ever using those in a title again.
BB: Never say never, John...
MGW: (Shocked, positively shocked.) Barbara!
Cubby: Richard, you and Michael start working on that right away. It'll be an all-time high!
MGW: What about “From A View To A Kill”? Or “The Living Daylights”?
Cubby: Oh, we’ll get round to those...
(He picks up the wax effigy again, with a fresh handful of pins.)
Is this an all time high? 🤣
2021. AJB HQ, inside a hollowed-out volcano.
Barbel: All these years, we’ve been devoting our time and money to James Bond, and what has James Bond ever done for us?
(There is an uncomfortable pause.)
Charmed & Dangerous: Well, there’s the car chases…
Barbel: Of course, the car chases. But apart from the car chases what has James Bond ever done for us?
Number 24: There have been all the beautiful ladies.
Barbel: Obviously the beautiful ladies, but apart from the car chases and the beautiful ladies, what has James Bond ever done for us?
Higgins: There’s been the watches.
Higgins: The watches. There have been many wonderful watches for us to envy and maybe buy.
Barbel: Well, yes, that’s true.
Gymkata: And the theme songs.
Barbel: The theme songs?
Gymkata: Yes, loads of fantastic theme songs which we all love. And “Another Way To Die” as well.
Barbel: Okay, but apart from the car chases, the beautiful women, the watches and the fantastic theme songs, what has James Bond ever done for us?
The Bond Experience: The clothes.
Barbel: The clothes?
The Bond Experience: Yes, all of those incredible suits that he wears, which many of us try to copy at an affordable price.
Barbel: Yes, well…
Westward Drift: And the great locations, showing us parts of the world for us to aim at seeing one day.
Spectre Of Defeat: Don’t forget the witty lines- loads of them, which we’ve all tried to copy.
Barbel: All right, all right, but apart from the car chases, the beautiful ladies, the desirable watches, the fantastic theme songs, the enviable clothes, the great locations, and the witty lines we all want to copy: what has James Bond ever done for us?
CoolHandBond: Don't forget the intricate plots.
caractacus potts: And the excitement.
Barbel: Right, that’s it- I’m off to a “Star Wars” forum!
I guess this is my legacy after the political threads closed. It's though, but it's better than not being remembered at all. It's my cross to bear. 😔
I bet 'the other place' doesn't have a thread or a post as funny as this. Splitters!