Imaginary Conversations



  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,603MI6 Agent

    ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ Captain on radio to Willard Whyte: "Look, Dubya Dubya, I don't care if he's having a good time! I can only steam around in circles for as long as I have any waiters left!"

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff
    edited July 2021

    2006. Mr White exits his car. His telephone rings.

    Mr White: Hello?

    Bond: (On phone.) Mr White? We need to talk.

    Mr White: Who is this?

    (A shot rings out. Mr White, hit in the leg, crawls painfully towards the door of the house. Bond is standing there, wearing an immaculate suit which The Bond Experience can tell every last detail of. He’s carrying a very impressive firearm, which someone here can no doubt give all relevant details about.)

    Bond: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

    Mr White: (In pain.) Oh, Bond. I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on.

    Bond: Huh?

    Mr White: We’ve met before, Mr Bond. Although I think you can be forgiven for not remembering.

    Bond: What do you mean?

    Mr White: Your attention was, shall we say, elsewhere? You were tied to a chair, naked. Le Chiffre had been hitting you with a rope in exactly the area in which a man would not want to be hit. (Bond’s face begins to sweat..) Ah, I see you remember.

    Bond: How do you know all this?

    Mr White: Le Chiffre knocked your chair over and was just about to begin some, er, amateur surgery on you. I shot him before he could begin it.

    Bond: (Remembering.) Yes…

    Mr White: So you see, Mr Bond, you owe me one. And how do you repay me? By shooting me in the leg!

    (Bond opens the boot of his car.)

    Bond: You may have a point there, Mr White. This, however, isn’t the time or place for us to debate it.

    (Bond picks Mr White up, ties his wrists and stuffs him in the boot of the car.)

    Mr White: Aargh!

    Bond: Try not to bleed too much. You'll be in there for a couple of years.

    Mr White: What? A couple of-

    (Bond slams the boot lid shut, goes into the car, and drives away.)

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,031MI6 Agent

    Love that White's in the trunk for a couple of years. That made me do a spit laugh.

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,031MI6 Agent

    'Lairs Incorporated, Pradeep speaking. How may I direct your call?'

    'Good afternoon to you as well.'

    'Yes, New York is a city that we service.'

    'Uh huh.'

    'Sure, may I have your name please?'

    'Big? B-I-G, is that right?'

    'Is that Belgian or something?'

    'Ah, gotcha. OK, please hold.'

    ('Larry? Pick up line 3. Line 3. Says his names 'Big'. Yeah, I don't know either. Line 3.')

    'Hi there, this is Larry.'


    'Ah, gotcha. OK, 'Mr. Big', what can we do for you today?'

    'Where in New York?'

    'Not a problem. We've never done any projects in Harlem before but I don't think it'll be an issue.'

    'Uh huh.'

    'What did you have in mind?'

    'OK, is this an existing building?'

    'Any idea as to the age of the building itself?'

    'OK. Did I hear you correctly that there's a nightclub that we're doing this under?'

    'Filet of Soul?'

    'Noted: two 'Ls' in that. F-I-L-L-E-T. That right?'

    'A question: as this sounds like a fairly old building, are you certain that the structure can handle having a high tech lair underneath it?'

    'Well, it's a question of the foundation.'

    'Right. We don't the structure of the building collapsing.'

    'Right. Send over any data that you have, please. Blueprints, whatever. We'll look on our end too.'

    'Great, now...what's the current status of the nightclub?'

    'So, you're wanting this done while the club is operational?'

    'Sure, it can be done, but we're also talking about excavating a lot underneath that building and/or converting a lot of basement space. To that end, IS there a lower level?'

    'Then there you go, we'll be excavating. People do tend to notice that.'

    'Uh huh.'

    'Sure, we can do it, but it does increase the price. If you check your informational packet...'


    'I can dig it too, Mr. Big.'

    'Hold on, I missed that. You want two hidden doors?'

    'OK, a spinning table is pretty easy. We've done those before. What's the other one?'

    'No problem. We've done elevating floors before too.'

    'Right, 'Far out.''

    'Wait a moment, you said spinning table. That would mean that you're also on the first floor, the same level as the nightclub.'

    'OK, so it's not just a lower level then.'

    'Do you own the retail space next to the nightclub?'

    'Then do you know the owners?'

    'Well, taking them out and 'wasting them' as you say wouldn't solve that problem. That property would go into escrow. It'd be better all around and arouse less suspicion if you just bought them out.'

    'Right, and then we can use that area to excavate down and underneath the club.'

    'Uh huh.'

    'Right on.'

    'OK, I'll get our men working on it now. Was there anything else?'

    'Right, 'solid' back at you. Thanks for choosing Lairs Incorporated!'

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff


    I've missed you, Pradeep.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,664MI6 Agent

    Digging it is litterally Pradeap's speciality ๐Ÿคฃ

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff

    1987. Eon HQ, disguised as a horse stud in Kentucky.

    Cubby: Well, did you have any luck casting the new Miss Moneypenny?

    BB: Yes, Dad, we’ve got a girl called Caroline Bliss. I’m sure you’ll approve.

    Cubby: Were any of the others any good?

    MGW: The first one just kept giggling, so we sent her home.

    Cubby: Right, that wouldn’t do. And the next?

    BB: She kept saying “James Bond. Oh my God, it’s James Bond!!!” over and over.

    Cubby: Again, that’s not what we want. I believe there were four, what was the third one like?

    MGW: Ah, the third one. She walked in, took one look at Timothy, said “I was expecting someone else” and walked back out again. Oddly enough her name was Bond, Samantha Bond.

    Cubby: I like her attitude. Best keep her phone number for a while.

    BB: How long, Dad?

    Cubby: Oh, let’s say…. eight years or so.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff

    1983. A screening room at Pinewood Studios. The Eon team are taking their seats to watch the first rough cut of “Octopussy”.

    Cubby: I hope you’ve done a good job here, John.

    John Glen: I think you’ll be happy, Cubby.

    Cubby: In fact, I hope we’ve all done a good job. I’m worried about that damned Kevin McClory and his “Never Say Whatsit Called” movie.

    MGW: From what I hear, I don’t think we have anything to worry about.

    John: Yes, they’ve had all sorts of problems.

    Richard Maibaum: And don’t forget, all they can do is “Thunderball” all over again.

    Cubby: But McClory has Connery and you know that people will go and see it just cos he’s in it.

    MGW: Relax, Cubby. Roger is well established now, it’s not like we were launching a new Bond like James Brolin.

    Richard: Plus we have the gunbarrel, we have John Barry doing the music, Maurice Binder doing the titles- we’ve got Desmond Llewelyn as Q, and you know everybody loves him. In fact, we’ve given him a bigger part than usual.

    Cubby: All that won’t matter if we haven’t made a good movie.

    John: Let’s watch it now, see what we all think.

    (The gunbarrel starts….)


    Orlov: (Onscreen.) He speaks for himself and others who cling to TIMID, outdated and-

    Cubby: Hey, whoa there. John, you might wanna turn the volume down when he shouts “timid”. He’s louder than an air raid siren!

    John: (Unhappily.) I did turn it down! You’re right, but this was take 14 and it was the only one where he didn’t blow the microphones out at that part.


    (Onscreen, Bond has used Q’s poison pen to escape from his room and is on a shelf outside Khan’s palace. A bird flutters off, startling both Bond and the audience.)

    MGW: You and your damned birds, John.

    John: Aw, come on, that’s a perfectly reasonable place for a bird to be!

    MGW: Yeah, well…

    John: I did think of making it do a double-take…?

    Cubby/MGW/Richard: No!!!


    Orlov: (Onscreen.) There must be no further security breach. This fake has caused enough trouble. (He smashes the Faberge egg, as Kamal Khan winces.)

    Cubby: I’m getting mixed up with these eggs. I could have sworn that was the real one there!

    Richard: It was, Cubby, that’s why Khan winces- he knows it was the real egg.

    Cubby: So what are we gonna do about it?

    MGW: Not a thing- in fact, we won’t mention the eggs again.

    Cubby: Are you sure we’ll get away with that?

    MGW: I don’t think many people will be keeping track. If they are, they’ll think that they’ve made a mistake somewhere.

    Richard: Anyhow, I’m sure people won’t be talking about it forty years from now.


    (Bond and Octopussy talk as her guards, all female in very tight red outfits, enter.)

    Cubby: Oh, hey, come on now…

    John: What ‘s wrong there?

    Cubby: Those outfits- I mean, can’t you see….?

    MGW: I don’t know what you mean, Cubby.

    John: Yes, what do you mean?

    Cubby: You can see…

    MGW: Yes?

    Cubby: Never mind….


    (Octopussy’s girls fight with Kamal’s guards.)

    Richard: Great scene, John.

    Cubby: Yeah, well done there.

    MGW: What? The girls are punching and kicking miles away from the guards, but the guards all fall down with a “whack” sound effect!

    John: Ah, you noticed that.

    Cubby: I didn’t.

    MGW: Yes, but-

    Cubby: Let it stand, Michael, it’s a great scene.


    (The end credits roll, as Rita Coolidge sings “All Time High” again.)

    Cubby: Good job, John, good job.

    John: Thank you.

    Richard: Yes, it’s a good Bond movie.

    MGW: And I don’t think we have anything to worry about from Kevin.

    Cubby: Kevin who?

    (Everyone laughs.)

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,664MI6 Agent


  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,031MI6 Agent

    good one!

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff

    1969. Pinewood Studios. Screening of rough cut of “OHMSS”. Cubby Broccoli & Harry Saltzman (Producers), Peter Hunt (Director), Richard Maibaum (Screenwriter) take their seats.

    Harry: We’re taking a big chance here, Hunt, I hope you’ve given us what we want.

    Peter: I think you’ll be pleased, Harry.

    Richard: I’ve kept the script as close as I could to the book.

    Cubby: Let’s see if that works.


    Bond: (Onscreen.) Good morning! My name’s Bond, James Bond.

    Harry: I thought we were going to make him sound less Australian.

    Cubby: We paid for voice lessons for him!

    Peter: That’s as good as you’re going to get, I’m afraid. You should have heard the earlier takes- I had a devil of a time stopping him from calling her “Sheila”.

    Cubby: Does he get better later in the film?

    Peter: ….er, you might say that.


    Bond: (Onscreen.) This never happened to the other fella.

    Harry: What? What do you mean by that?

    Peter: Well, you can take it one of two ways.

    Richard: You could take it to mean Prince Charming left with Cinderella’s slipper if you like.

    Cubby: Or you could take it the way everyone in the audience is going to take it- especially with that look into the camera- that this never happened to Sean Connery!

    Harry: I don’t like it.

    Peter: Oh, come on, Harry. It’s an amusing bit of breaking the fourth wall.

    Harry: Fourth wall? There ain’t no walls! He’s on a beach!

    Peter: (Struggles hard not to facepalm.) Yes, well…


    (The titles start.)

    Harry: (After about a minute.) I can’t hear the singer, have you got the sound set properly?

    Peter: There’s no singer, Harry.

    Harry: No singer? What???

    Cubby: We agreed this, Harry. John Barry said the title would sound ridiculous in a song.

    Harry: Well, no more ridiculous than “Goldfinger” or “Thunderball”.

    Peter: We do have a song coming up later, though.

    Harry: Oh, at the end, you mean.

    Peter: ….er, no, it’s during the film.

    Harry: Have we got time for that?

    Cubby: We have all the time in the world.

    (Peter and Richard snigger.)


    (Bond wipes Tracy’s eyes.)

    Bond: (Onscreen.) Especially between friends… or lovers.

    (The screen shows a beautifully shot montage of James and Tracy falling in love, while Louis Armstrong sings.)

    Harry: That was a good idea, to get Nancy Sinatra back to sing the song.

    (Cubby, Peter and Richard exchange glances. Cubby puts a finger to his lips, whispering “Ssh”. The others nod quietly.)


    (Bond and Sir Hilary Bray are talking at the College Of Arms.)

    Cubby: All this talk is a bit boring, Richard.

    Richard: We need it for the plot, Cubby. We have to set up that Bond is going to visit Piz Gloria disguised as this Sir Hilary.

    Cubby: Hmph. If you say so.

    Peter: But we end it with a chase scene, Cubby. Here we go… Bond is chasing this guy Phidian over the rooftops.

    Harry: Don’t like it.

    Peter: But-

    Harry: Don’t like it- cut it out.

    Peter: Hmph. If you say so.


    (Bond arrives at Piz Gloria, disguised as Sir Hilary.)

    Bunt: (Onscreen.) I am Fraulein Irma Bunt, personal secretary to the Count. Have you had a good journey?

    Bond: (In Sir Hilary’s voice.) No, intolerable. I’m not a good traveller.

    Harry: He sounds a lot better now, Peter. Very English.

    Peter: We dubbed him for these scenes. That’s Sir Hilary’s voice you’re hearing.

    Harry: Sounds great! Can’t you get this Sir Hilary just to dub him in the whole film?

    Peter: I don’t think that would work, Harry. I can get him to add another line or two, though.


    (“Sir Hilary Bray” meets the “Comte de Bleuchamp”.)

    Cubby: So, they don’t recognize each other, then?

    Richard: That’s right. We followed the book closely, and this is the first time they meet in the books.

    Harry: But they met in the last film!

    Peter: Yes, which is why Bond is wearing his Sir Hilary disguise- hat, pipe, glasses…

    Peter: Ah.

    Harry: Blofeld should draw a gun and shoot Bond, saying “You’re the guy that blew up my volcano!”

    Peter: Well, maybe he does recognize him but he’s just stringing him along?

    Richard: And Bond isn’t sure it’s Blofeld since he’s had some plastic surgery?

    Cubby: Plastic surgery? Crazy idea!

    Harry: Yes, we won’t be hearing any more about plastic surgery.

    Cubby: …. not till the next movie, anyway.


    (Tracy and James get married.)

    Harry: Now, that’s different- usually Bond and the girl are making out in a boat at the end of the movie.

    Peter: We’re setting up the ending here.

    Richard: Yes, we have to have the happy part before…

    (Blofeld and Bunt kill Tracy.)

    Cubby: Yes, the downer ending.

    Peter: I thought George did alright in that last bit.

    Cubby: Gives us a problem if he isn’t in the next one, though.

    Harry: Unless we get Connery back- then everyone will overlook this one.

    Cubby: Peter, it’s still too long. You have to start cutting, dropping scenes. Get it to under two hours.

    Peter: Under two hours, sure thing Cubby. (Whistles softly to himself.)

    Cubby: Right, let’s get out of here and get some coffee.

    (Everyone is drinking coffee..)

    Harry: Hey! I get it!

    Cubby: Get what?

    Harry: That joke you said- “We Have All The Time In The World”! Very good!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,031MI6 Agent

    God I love that movie.

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,664MI6 Agent

    I do too. It's my Christmas movie.

    This is funny as always ๐Ÿ˜‚

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff

    Thanks, guys.

  • SpectreOfDefeatSpectreOfDefeat Posts: 354MI6 Agent

    A call centre. 1979.

    Secretary: Good afternoon, this is Henchman Corporation speaking, for all your henchman and thug-related needs…

    Hugo Drax: Chang is dead. I need another one.

    Secretary: How unfortunate.

    Hugo Drax: Who do you have available?

    Secretary: Let me check …yes, I think there’s someone here who fits all your requirements.

    Hugo Drax: Excellent.

    Secretary: This individual has worked for an extremely powerful villain…

    Hugo Drax: Go on.

    Secretary: They’ve assassinated high-profile targets on that villain’s orders…

    Hugo Drax: Better.

    Secretary: And best of all, they’ve encountered James Bond before, and survived. They’re ambitious to get their revenge against 007…

    Hugo Drax: Don’t tell me…I know, it’s Jaws!

    Secretary: No, but good guess. It’s Nick Nack.

    Hugo Drax: (disappointed) Oh. 

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,031MI6 Agent

    Good one!

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff

    ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€ Wasn't expecting that!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,664MI6 Agent

    You for me there! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff
    edited August 2021

    2002. Iceland.

    Zao: Boss, come quickly!

    Graves: What is it, Zao?

    Zao: It's an army of DAD-detractors! They're armed with Berrybooers, Plotpanners, and Faultfinders- lots and lots of Faultfinders.

    Graves: Is that all?

    Zao: I see some with Madonnamacerators, Purvis&Wadepounders, and of course a lot of them are carrying Blamethrowers.

    Graves: Have they got Craig-coloured glasses on?

    Zao: Of course.

    Graves: Then there's only one thing for it- let's leap into the invisible car and get out of here!

    Zao: Which way?

    Graves: Over the CGIcebergs, of course!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,664MI6 Agent


  • SpectreOfDefeatSpectreOfDefeat Posts: 354MI6 Agent

    Annual United States Police Chiefs’ Convention.

    Police Chief 1: Did ya know, I saw the craziest thing on duty a few years back.

    Police Chief 2: Oh, really?

    Police Chief 1: Yeah. Some guy stole a fire truck and wrecked all my squad cars down in San Francisco. I had repair bills stacked up higher than the Hoover Dam…

    Police Chief 2:  Oh, you’re lucky. Some hotshot over in Vegas got their hands on a Mustang and went and totalled all my squad cars, too!

    Police Chief 1:  This guy was English, said his name was Bond, James Bond…

    Sheriff J.W. Pepper: What’s this I’m hearin’ about some crazy Limey taking it upon himself to pulverise po-leece property?  Huh?

    Police Chief 1: Well, if it ain’t my cousin J.W. from down South. Are ya still working for Louisiana State?

    Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Ah shore am, boy. Now I recognise this fella Bond. It’s that English secret agent! From England! That guy seems to follow me around like flies to an elephant’s backside! He jumped over my car in a speedboat that one time…then he comes over interruptin’ my holiday in Thailand!

    Police Chief 2: Crazy. Do ya reckon it could be the same guy who tore up the Vegas strip in a Mustang?

    Police Chief 1:…and the same guy who made off with the fire truck in San Fran a while back?

    Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Could be, boys. Could be. I guess we’ll never know…

    James Bond walks into the room and approaches the reception desk.

    James Bond: Good evening. My name is Bond, James Bond…

    Sheriff J.W. Pepper: Let’s go get him, boys!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff


  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff

    2012. Eon HQ, underneath a gondola in Venice. Barbara Broccoli & Michael G. Wilson (Producers), Sam Mendes (Director), Robert Wade & Neal Purvis (Screenwriters).

    MGW: So, Silva is relying on Q plugging his laptop into MI6’s main system, without doing any checks or safety precautions?

    Purvis: That’s right.

    BB: And Q, a world-class computer geek, is going to do just that?

    Wade: Absolutely.

    MGW: Then the cell Silva’s in will open, but the two guards with guns don’t shoot him so he overcomes them?

    Purvis: That’s what we’re going with.

    Mendes: And he assumes James Bond will chase after him- ok, maybe that’s fair enough, but he has two men dressed as policemen pass him with exact timing, giving him a police uniform.

    Wade: Sure.

    BB: Then when Bond does catch up with him, he has a perfectly timed train crash through their chamber so he can escape?

    Purvis: Is that a problem?

    MGW: And he knows exactly where M’s inquiry is being held, and exactly the security arrangements there?

    Wade: But of course he does.

    Purvis: Look, we’re already asking the audience to believe that Bond survived the fall from the train earlier, with a bullet in him.

    Wade: Not to mention radioactive shrapnel from Patrice.

    MGW: I don’t know…

    BB: Hell, ten years ago they believed Jinx was a good enough character for a spin-off! I say let’s go for it!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,664MI6 Agent

    Are you trying to tell is some bad disicions we're made making SPECTRE? ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff

    Er... no.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,664MI6 Agent

    Yes.... right. ๐Ÿคฏ

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff

    Although I definitely believe that is true.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,087Chief of Staff



    Famous Landmark Demolished

    As part of a plan for a new shopping mall, the gasworks at Beckton were today demolished in a planned explosion. At the base of the chimney tower the skeleton of a man was found dressed in a rotting collarless suit.

    “We have no idea how he got here”, said a spokesman. “It’s unlikely that he climbed up the outside of the chimney since he was in the remains of a wheelchair, fitted with a dated remote control unit.”

    Found beside the skeleton was that of a cat, which seemed to have….

    (Continued on Page 6)


    Entertainment News

    Eon Productions say they are confident that their film “No Time To Die” will be released this November. Producers Gregg Wilson and Angelica Broccoli said…

    (Continued on Page 7)

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,031MI6 Agent


    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,664MI6 Agent


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