Imaginary Conversations

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff
    edited June 30

    1979. The house of Richard Kiel. A telephone rings. He ducks through a doorway, enters the room and picks up the phone.


    Richard: Hello?

    Agent: Richard, baby!

    Richard: Oh, hi.

    Agent: Don’t you mean “high”??? Ha ha ha!

    Richard: (Wearily.) Oh ha ha. You’ve been pulling that one for the last twenty years.

    Agent: Anyway, I’ve just had an old friend of yours on the phone.

    Richard: Oh yes?

    Agent: Cubby Broccoli- you remember him, of course.

    Richard: Of course. I had a great time on that film.

    Agent: Well, they’re making another one and they want you back for it.

    Richard: “For Your Eyes Only”, huh?

    Agent: No, “Moonraker”- they changed that plan

    Richard: Right… okay, I’ll come back but first I want more money.

    Agent: Already dealt with, my boy. I was going to ask for more but they beat me to the punch and offered more money this time.

    Richard: Okay, I also want higher billing.

    Agent: I don’t see that being a problem.

    Richard: And my own trailer with an extra long couch.

    Agent: Sure, I’ll see to that right away.

    Richard: And a big bowl of Smarties with all the red ones removed.

    Agent: Sure, I…. what?

    Richard: Just kidding. I do have one thing to ask, though.

    Agent: Well, tell me and we’ll see.

    Richard: I’ve been doing movies and TV for over twenty years now.

    Agent: Hell, I know that, Richard.

    Richard: And always, always, I’m a thug or a monster or a big scary guy.

    Agent: Well, you see, you’ve gotta understand-

    Richard: Oh, I understand all right. I am a big scary guy so I always have to play big scary guys. But just once, just once…

    Agent: Yeah? Just once what?

    Richard: I’ve had twenty years of seeing guys like James Bond or Elvis or The Man From U.N.C.L.E. get the girl at the end of the movie. I’d like to have a girlfriend at the end in this film.

    Agent: What? You’re playing a villain! The villains don’t get the girl at the end of the movie.

    Richard: Well, maybe by the end of the film I’m not a villain any more. You fix it. You tell Mr Broccoli that if he wants Jaws back, that’s what I want.

    Agent: If you’re sure…?

    Richard: I’m sure.

    Agent: Well, I’ll pass it along but don’t hold your breath. I don’t see them going for that at all!


  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    1964. Milliners’ Convention, Kent.


    Timmy: Hello, Charlie!

    Charlie: Hi, Timmy, long time no see.

    Timmy: Not since last year. How’s the hat business in your area?

    Charlie: Well, off the top of my head…

    Timmy: Oh, ha ha.

    Charlie: Well, you know, just hanging on and no more. How about you?

    Timmy: Same as you, until recently.

    Charlie: Oh?

    Timmy: I got a new client, you see.

    Charlie: Just one new client?

    Timmy: Yes, but he’s been very profitable. First he wanted an ivy cap.

    Charlie: For playing golf, you mean?

    Timmy: That’s right. Then a trilby for everyday wear.

    Charlie: Not a fedora?

    Timmy: No, a trilby.

    Charlie Fair enough.

    Timmy: But then he wanted a garrison cap.

    Charlie: A military side cap?

    Timmy: Yeah, one of those.

    Charlie: Hmm, that’s odd.

    Timmy: You haven’t heard the best part of it. I’ve had to make a bowler hat for his manservant, tailored to his exact head size, with the rim made of a light but very strong alloy with a razor sharp edge and a felt covering.

    Charlie: What? That’s incredible!

    Timmy: No, it’s true. And he wanted me to make half-a-dozen of them so he had plenty spares!

    Charlie: Sounds like this guy’s rolling in money.

    Timmy: You want to see what he paid me?

    Charlie: Sure.

    (Timmy shows him a cheque.)

    Charlie: Shocking. Positively shocking.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,130MI6 Agent
    edited July 2

    There are so many unexplored plot holes in GF alone. I'm glad you're doing some digging, but there is still a lot of work to be done. Here is just one of the questions: Who made the model of Fort Knox and did the order make the artist suspicious in any way?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    A good question. Sounds to me like a job for Pradeep....

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,130MI6 Agent

    Maybe, but maybe not. The job might have been given to an independent artist, (possibly someone with a background in early special effects in movies?) Anyway, unlike Pradeep such a person could possibly have a question or two about making an accurate model of one of the most secretive locations in the US, questions Pradeep never needed to ask or wonder about. Or the artist might have been completely unburdened by such conserns.

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,358MI6 Agent


    'Lairs Incorporated, Pradeep speaking. How may I direct your call?'

    'Can you repeat that, please?'

    'Coldfinger?'

    'Oh, GOLDfinger.'

    'Right, hard G. That's better than what I said first, hahaha.'

    'You're right, that would be a good name for a proctologist!'

    'Hahaha!'

    'Oh sure. What can we do for you today, Mr. Goldfinger?'

    'Sure, one moment. I'll get you a sales rep.'

    ('Katrina? Line 4 please. Line 4. 4. Like we're playing golf, right...FORE! Says his name's Goldfinger.')

    'Mr. Goldfinger? Hi there, I'm Katrina.'

    'Nice to meet you too.'

    'No, I'm not walking on sunshine.'

    'Yes, I do get that all the time, hahaha.'

    'Seriously, all the time. Once a day, usually.'

    'Yes.'

    'Sure, what do you have in mind?'

    'Fort Knox? Like in the USA?'

    'Well...I guess. Yes, I don't see why not.'

    'We've done replicas before, yes.'

    'Well that depends...how detailed are we talking about?'

    'OK, sure. We probably have some reference photos we can use.'

    'Uh huh.'

    'Well, it is a pretty massive building as I understand it.'

    'Right, so we're obviously going to need a lot of land to build this right, especially if...'

    'Well...how BIG is your house? It must be massive if you're wanting an actual replica of Fort Knox on it.'

    'IN your house?'

    'OK, I think I'm misunderstanding your intent here...what is the scale of this replica that you want?'

    'AAAAAAaaaaaah, I see.'

    'No, that makes sense now.'

    'Mind you, we COULD do a full scale replica if you want. If you check your informational packet...'

    'Right, of course.'

    'Well, exactly what scale are we talking about here?'

    'Uh huh.'

    'Do you want to include shipping and installation in your bid?'

    'Sounds good. I'll have someone work up an estimate for this and get it sent to you. May I have your fax number, please?'

    'Great thanks. I think we're all set.'

    'Hahaha, like you said, we're 'golden.'

    You too, have a great day.'

    Current rankings:
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>YOLT>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>OP>DN>
    TWINE>TND>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    ☺️ I had no doubt that Pradeep would rise to the occasion as he always does.

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,218MI6 Agent

    These are terrific! 😆😆😆

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    1967. Production meeting, “You Only Live Twice”.


    Harry: So, let me get this straight, Bond goes into this castle-

    Cubby: It’s a volcano, Harry, Ken’s busy building one right now.

    Harry: Ok, and your writer guy Bloom is busy-

    Cubby: No, Harry, we got a new writer, remember? Roald Dahl here.

    Roald: Hello.

    Harry: Oh, yeah. Now you remembered about the three girls, like we told you?

    Roald: I remember: one good and dies, one bad and dies, and one good that lives for Bond to be kissing at the end of the film.

    Cubby: Yes, I’ve read your script and you certainly put that in.

    Roald: And I’ve set it entirely in Japan.

    Harry: Yes, it’s in Japan.

    Roald: And I included the volcano.

    Cubby: Ah yes- the volcano.

    Roald: It opens up, just like you wanted.

    Cubby: Yes, but-

    Roald: And your man Blofeld is inside, just like you said.

    Harry: I know,-

    Roald: And James goes inside.

    Cubby: Yes, but we don’t want him to get in by showing Blofeld a golden ticket he found inside a chocolate bar!

    Roald: (Disappointed.) No?

    Harry: And Blofeld isn’t wearing a top hat and walking with a cane.

    Roald: Yes, but-

    Cubby: And it isn’t staffed by little singing and dancing purple men!

    Roald: Ah yes, but-

    Harry: Now go away and start writing again, Bloom.

    Roald: Dahl.

    Harry: Yeah, whatever.

    (Roald leaves and stands in the corridor outside.)

    Roald: Well, at least they didn’t notice the giant peach.

    (The door opens and Cubby sticks his head out.)

    Cubby: And no giant peaches, either!

    Roald: But-

    Cubby: No! Go!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,130MI6 Agent

    Now I wish the vulcano was staffed by Ompa-lompas 🤣

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,309MI6 Agent
    edited July 4

    🤣🤣🤣

    An expanded version of my contribution of last week:


    SABOTEUR EVADES CAPTURE IN HIGH-SPEED CHASE ALONG THE STRIP

    The Las Vegas Police Department is under increasing pressure to explain how its officers managed to total an entire fleet of squad cars yesterday evening at the tail end of a high-speed chase along the Strip, in full view of hundreds of gawping tourists, crashing vehicle after vehicle in a parking lot while allowing their suspect, driving a red Mustang, to escape scot free.

    The Sheriff in charge of the pursuit claims to have identified the speeding felon, still at large, as the "sonofabitchin saboteur" behind an incident, earlier yesterday, at Willard Whyte's Tectronics facility in the Nevada Desert. The subversive agitator in question, believed to be British, caused mayhem at the space research center when he wrecked a state-of-the-art moon buggy before hijacking a dune bike.

    It's expected that the Chief of Police will need to apply to the City, cap in hand, for emergency funding to replace his crashed squad cars. Meanwhile the Sheriff, suspended from duty with immediate effect, is said to be ready to turn in his badge, having made plans to return to his home in Louisiana and resume his career in law enforcement there, in the relatively quiet environs of the Bayou, well away from "all free radicals."

    Sammy Davis Junior was among the many who watched last night's bizarre spectacle from the sidewalk on the Strip. The entertainer quipped, "If you see a mad limey and a moll flip a wheelie through an alley, just smile... there's no birthday cake big enough to put him on top of!"

    An anonymous source linked to the infamous Spangled Mob was less impressed. "Some friends of ours aren't too happy with what went down on the Strip last night. A lot of people make a lot of money from the casino business. Any stunt which draws gamblers out onto the sidewalk and away from our roulette tables is bad for business. Certain people are saying they want something done... And as for that *other* limey who's been ripping off our slot machines... I hear Morton Slumber has a vacant casket or two going spare..."

    News of yesterday's events is spreading fast. Henry Gupta, a Computer Science graduate at Berkeley, issued this communique on behalf of SPECTRE (Student Protestors Energising Countercultural Tumult and Revolutionary Effort): "Far out, man! You gotta dig that dude who took direct action against the crypto-fascist military-industrial complex by wrecking that Tectronics gig in the desert. Way to go!" Despite Mr Gupta's militant stance he is rumoured to be falling out with fellow student radicals over his apparent eagerness to prime with information and opinion such "bread head" news outlets as this esteemed organ.

    Willard Whyte was unavailable for comment.


    Las Vegas Sun News.

    Filed by visiting apprentice journalist, Elliot Carver, Spring 1971.

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,130MI6 Agent

    It's nice to see where Gupta and Carver started out 😂😂😂

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,218MI6 Agent

    These are just getting better and better 😂😂

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    Nice references, Shady, tying things together. 👍

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 2,413MI6 Agent

    even the Spangled Mob was in that one!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    Let me see....

    DAF the movie, of course, with extra kudos for a deleted scene

    DAF the novel

    LALD

    NSNA

    TND

    Any more that I missed? The SPECTRE reference I took generally.

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,309MI6 Agent

    That's it, I think. But here's another draft of the last paragraph, to squeeze in a couple more:

    News of yesterday's events is spreading fast. Henry Gupta, a Computer Science graduate at Berkeley, issued this communique on behalf of SPECTRE (Student Protestors Energising Countercultural Tumult and Revolutionary Effort): "Far out, man! You gotta dig that dude who took direct action against the crypto-fascist military-industrial complex by wrecking that Tectronics gig in the desert. Way to go! Perhaps there's even a place for him in SPECTRE.... like with that cool 'other fella' who puts a downer on fat cat movie moguls by sporting a hip beard at their square movie premieres!" Despite Mr Gupta's militant stance he is rumoured to be falling out with fellow student radicals over his apparent eagerness to prime with information and opinion such "bread head" news outlets as this esteemed organ.

    🙂

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    Yes, another couple as you say. ☺️

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff
    edited July 8

    1989. Set of “Goldeneye”. No, the other one.


    Christoph Waltz: So nice to meet you, Mr… Bond.

    Director: Cut! It’s “Fleming”, Christoph.

    Waltz: Oh yes, sorry.

    Director: Action!

    Waltz: I’ve been expecting you, Mr Bo… er, Fleming.

    Director: Cut! Take five, everyone. Christoph, go read the script again and try to get it right.

    (Waltz goes to the side and sits with Charles Dance.)

    Dance: Having problems, Christoph?

    Waltz: Ja! They told me “Ian Fleming… Goldeneye…” and I said yes, of course. I didn’t realise it would be like this! I thought… well, you know what I thought.

    Dance: I take it you’re keen to get in a real Bond movie, then?

    Waltz: Of course! Aren’t you?

    Dance: I’ve been in one already, Christoph.

    Waltz: No! Which one?

    Dance: “For Your Eyes Only”. I didn't have to be asked twice to play Fleming in this.

    Waltz: Yes, well, I thought… Oh never mind.

    (An attractive young woman wanders over.)

    Dance: Good morning, my dear.

    Young Woman: I just came over to say hello, Mr Dance. We have a scene together tomorrow.

    Dance: Ah, you’ll be playing the secretary then, Miss…?

    Young Woman: Moore. Deborah Moore.

    Dance: But of course you are.

    (She leaves, with a smile for the pair of them.)

    Waltz: Moore? She wouldn’t be….

    Director: Places, everyone, let’s try again.

    (Everyone takes their place.)

    Director: Okay… action!

    Waltz: Good evening, Mr Fle… Bon… er…

    Director: Cut! Christoph, I swear you’re the author of all my pain.

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,309MI6 Agent

    🙂🙂

    Dim memories of that TV movie, here. Charles Dance certainly looked the part, as I recall. Dare I say that the recent Bond-and-Blofeld-are-brothers plot, authoring a lot of pain, is a little TV movie-ish in itself!

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,358MI6 Agent

    'Lairs Incorporated, Pradeep speaking. How may I direct your call?'

    'Could you say that again, please?'

    'Travel Lane?'

    'Travel-ian?'

    'Could you spell that?'

    'OK...uh huh...ok, got it.'

    'Hold on, that sounds familiar...are you...?'

    'OK, sure. I'll update my files then.'

    'And your termination date?'

    'Sorry, 'death' date?'

    'Sure. So, I assume we can no longer use MI-6 as a reference?'

    'Uh huh.'

    'Got it. Now, what can I do for you?'

    'Sure one second. I'll connect you with James.'

    ('James? Grab line 3, will you? Alec Trevelyan on the line. Right, him. 006, yeah, although I guess he's no longer there. Line 3.')

    'Hello, Alec?'

    'Hi Alec, this is James. How are you today?'

    'Hahaha, no...this isn't James Bond.'

    'Right, right, I have a 'license to sell'. Good one.'

    'Haha, sure. I'm gonna use that one, is that ok?'

    'Cool. Now, what can I do for you?'

    'Yes, we can do those. How big of a satellite dish are you talking about here?'

    'OK, so a really big one. Yes, we can do those. If you check your informational packet...'

    'OK, go on.'

    'Well sure. Although building in that country can be rather hard. Lots of bribes required and such.'

    'Uh huh.'

    'Yes, we'd itemize those into the contract as part of secondary costs. We go into that in the informational packet.'

    'Can you repeat that?'

    'I'm not following you...why does it need water drains?'

    'Oh, I get it...like an artificial lake?'

    'OK. Well, yeah...given enough time we could do that. It'd be pricey.'

    'Absolutely.'

    'Well, hold on...I understand you wanting it be hidden. That makes complete sense. The problem is with the building of it.'

    'Right, I mean, we have to build it out in the open and then, once completed, fill it with water.'

    'Yeah, and I mean, for all of that construction time, anyone will be able to see it.'

    'I'm just saying, it defeats the purpose to spend months building this thing and THEN hide it underwater. Anyone who cares about this will have seen it already. I mean, consider satellites.'

    'Right.'

    'Build it under water?'

    'Well, we'd still need to excavate the site first, fill it with water, and then lay the cement for the dish. People are going to notice. Never mind having the construction crews in there to actually move the earth and such, people hiking or flying over the site are going to see the work going on. I don't see how this could feasibly work.'

    'Oh, and also, I don't think we could really make a perfect surface for a satellite dish with the cement under water.'

    'Right.'

    'Well, I suppose. That'd be a really big tarp, though. Getting it stretched over the site would be problematic but...yeah, that could maybe work.'

    'Well, we'll think of something. I'll have one of my builders see what they can come up with.'

    'Hahaha, yeah...he'll have a 'license to estimate' as you said.'

    'Uh huh.'

    'OK, is your fax number the same?'

    'Oh, that's right. Pradeep mentioned that. Give me your new number.'

    'Right, we'll get on this. Thanks!'

    Current rankings:
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>YOLT>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>OP>DN>
    TWINE>TND>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff
    edited July 8

    Gymkata, more fun with Pradeep, great to see him again.

    Shady, many people don't know there was another Goldeneye, or have forgotten it, or don't realise how many Bond actors (past or future at that point) were in it. At least you have memories!

    Yes, Dance was good casting. I did find writing the above a little amusing, since I was typing "Dance...Waltz" repeatedly.

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,358MI6 Agent

    It just always floors me in these movies that you'll have these high concept structures that look cool but are logistical nightmares.

    You want a giant radar dish under an artificial lake? Sure, but how did it get build such that nobody noticed it?

    Also, where did all of that water go that drained from the lake? Are there massive water tanks down below? If so, who installed them? And again, you had to build that dish in the open where it would have attracted attention, so why bother hiding it in a lake? Seems to me that having a giant dish suddenly get covered by a lake would arouse more attention than just having a dish out there with a cover story.

    But hey...it was cool to see that water drain and reveal that dish!

    Current rankings:
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>YOLT>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>OP>DN>
    TWINE>TND>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,575MI6 Agent


    Back in 1995 i never understood the need for that huge satellite dish under a lake. Satellite TV was demonstrating 18" dishes. Even in universe for Goldeneye why was the Cuba dish so much bigger (8 to 10 times the diameter) than Severnaya?

    Can't wait until Pradeep gets to tackle the lair from NTTD.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    After the recent WHERE EAGLES DARE watchalong WHERE EAGLES DARE watchalong Friday 9. July at 8 PM GMT. - Page 11 — ajb007, Gymkata and I got chatting...


    1961.


    SCHLOSS ADLER SPIEGEL


    Local beauty dies.

    The funeral was held yesterday of Fraulein Heidi Schmidt, well-known local beauty and war veteran. At the ceremony a collection of white backpacks were laid on her coffin for unexplained reasons. Many were in attendance, including war hero Major John Smith, also known as Major Johann Schmidt, and famed author Alistair Maclean. The two were seen struggling to gain possession of the last bottle of Scotch whisky at the wake.

    Also spotted was another famous author, Ian Fleming, seen writing down details of the local ski run, cable car, and toboggan run. On being asked if there was any truth to the persistent rumours about him and Fraulein Schmidt, Mr Fleming said….

    (Continued on Page 6)

    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    In other news:

    Coils of rope still turning up all around castle: Page 7

    Telephone pole replacement finally scheduled for Wednesday: Page 9

    Used condom found in woodshed in Alpine cabin: Page 13

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,309MI6 Agent

    🤣🤣🤣

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    Thank you, Shady, it was all Gymkata's idea.

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,309MI6 Agent
    edited July 12

    Smith/Schmidt: Sit DOWN, Colonel. Lieutenant, SIT!

    Schaffer: What the hell?!

    M (to Bond): Sit down, Double-O Seven.

    Von Hapen: Everyone stay where he is! Sit DOWN, General!

    Gogol: Sit down, Comrade Orlov! We'll pursue our policies by peaceful means!

    Schaffer: Like hell we will!

    Smith/Schmidt: Perhaps, Commander, you'd be kind enough to confirm the true contents of that carafe...

    Bond: I'd say it's a 30-year-old fine, indifferently blended, with an overdose of bon bois.

    M: Major Schmidt is giving the lecture, Double-O Seven.

    Smith/Schmidt (guzzling the brandy): Pity about your liver, Admiral. Where was I? (hic!) Oh yes... plot to overthrow the Fuehrer...

    Christiansen (sweating): Someone pass that bottle of Mouton Rothschild... (swigs)

    Schaffer: Easy does it, Captain... Nice n slow...

    Cartwright-Jones (hic): With such high-ranking company, I'd rather have expected a claret...

    Kramer (standing): This is preposterous, Corporal! Mouton Rothschild IS a claret...

    Von Hapen (downing a quick schnapps): Sit DOWN, Colonel!

    Smith/Schmidt: And I've smelt of spirits before! And on every occasion I've smelt a rat... (Casts a meaningful, if slightly unfocussed, sideways glance at Schaffer..)

    Schaffer: Rat-a-tat-a-tat-a-tat!

    Christiansen: Three of us, to be precise! (hic!)

    Smith/Schmidt: Get UP all of you! (Staggering unsteadily) MOVE!

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,545Chief of Staff

    😁 in-joke upon in-joke!

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,218MI6 Agent

    These are both brilliant !!

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
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