Imaginary Conversations

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff
    edited August 2021

    Not quite...


    2021. AJB HQ, inside a hollowed-out volcano.


    Barbel: All these years, we’ve been devoting our time and money to James Bond, and what has James Bond ever done for us?

    (There is an uncomfortable pause.)

    Charmed & Dangerous: Well, there’s the car chases…

    Barbel: Of course, the car chases. But apart from the car chases what has James Bond ever done for us?

    Number 24: There have been all the beautiful ladies.

    Barbel: Obviously the beautiful ladies, but apart from the car chases and the beautiful ladies, what has James Bond ever done for us?

    Higgins: There’s been the watches.

    Barbel: What?

    Higgins: The watches. There have been many wonderful watches for us to envy and maybe buy.

    Barbel: Well, yes, that’s true.

    Gymkata: And the theme songs.

    Barbel: The theme songs?

    Gymkata: Yes, loads of fantastic theme songs which we all love. And “Another Way To Die” as well.

    Barbel: Okay, but apart from the car chases, the beautiful women, the watches and the fantastic theme songs, what has James Bond ever done for us?

    The Bond Experience: The clothes.

    Barbel: The clothes?

    The Bond Experience: Yes, all of those incredible suits that he wears, which many of us try to copy at an affordable price.

    Barbel: Yes, well…

    Westward Drift: And the great locations, showing us parts of the world for us to aim at seeing one day.

    Spectre Of Defeat: Don’t forget the witty lines- loads of them, which we’ve all tried to copy.

    Barbel: All right, all right, but apart from the car chases, the beautiful ladies, the desirable watches, the fantastic theme songs, the enviable clothes, the great locations, and the witty lines we all want to copy: what has James Bond ever done for us?

    CoolHandBond: Don't forget the intricate plots.

    caractacus potts: And the excitement.

    Barbel: Right, that’s it- I’m off to a “Star Wars” forum!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,942MI6 Agent
    edited August 2021

    I guess this is my legacy after the political threads closed. It's though, but it's better than not being remembered at all. It's my cross to bear. 😔

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,356MI6 Agent

    Superb! 🤣🤣🤣🍸

    I bet 'the other place' doesn't have a thread or a post as funny as this. Splitters!

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,356MI6 Agent

    Secretly we do remember you primarily for your piercing political insight, Number24. Your, ah, exposes are never less than incredibly impressive.

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,942MI6 Agent

    Yes, it's imortant shed light on areas usually kept in the dark and reveal them to the public.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,942MI6 Agent
    edited August 2021

    (TP did these posts better than anyone. All the rest of is can do is to try 😏)

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,249MI6 Agent

    Excellent stuff, gentlemen,

    Cubby: Oh no, that won’t do at all. Sounds like a second-hand bookshop in the backstreets of London.

    High Street, Cubby, High Street! 😂😂😂

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,249MI6 Agent

    I was wondering if I was going to get mentioned and there I am just at the end, better late than never, which should be the title of the new Bond film!

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • SpectreOfDefeatSpectreOfDefeat Posts: 354MI6 Agent


    CoolHandBond: Don't forget the intricate plots.

    caractacus potts: And the excitement.

    Barbel: Right, that’s it- I’m off to a “Star Wars” forum!


    Brilliant! 😂

  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,714MI6 Agent

    Honored to have made the list, Barbel. I love "The Life of Brian."

    Great shout out to Sico and AJB. How long have you been saving that arrow in your quiver?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff

    Thanks, everyone. 😁

    Westward_Drift, you'd need to ask C&D- that was his line (and an excellent one, too).

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,356MI6 Agent

    🍸

    W_D, That line should be called 'The C&D Rarity' - as in, the best lines are always Barbel's, not mine. That one just occurred to me as I was reading his brilliant draft.

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff

    1967. Japan. James and Kissy lie in a dinghy near a volcano.


    James: Now, about that honeymoon…

    Kissy: Why not? But they’ll never let you stay.

    James: But they’ll never find ush.

    (A submarine (with “M1” on the conning tower) surfaces beneath them. Inside… )

    Officer: Dinghy’s aboard, sir.

    M: Tell him to come below and report.

    Moneypenny: It’ll be a pleasure, sir.

    (Outside the sub, a hatch opens and Miss Moneypenny emerges. James sighs.)

    Moneypenny: Report to the Admiral at once, Commander Bond.

    James: But of courshe.

    (He goes down the hatch. As Kissy begins to follow, Moneypenny jabs her sharply in the ribs, sending her overboard.)

    Kissy: Aieee! (Splash.)

    (Moneypenny quickly follows James down the hatch and closes it.)

    Moneypenny: Captain, submerge at once and make maximum speed. M’s orders.

    Captain: Aye aye, ma’am.

    James: Where’sh Kisshy?

    Moneypenny: Oh, she’ll be floating around here somewhere.

    (Moneypenny smiles contentedly and heads back to her onboard office.)

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,942MI6 Agent

    Miss Moneypenny, the real reason why James's relationship don't last. 😂

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff

    May 4th (and may the fourth be with you, too) 1979.

    The day after the UK General Election. New Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher settles into her office at No 10 Downing Street, assisted by the Cabinet Secretary.


    Secretary: ...so, ma’am, it is customary that you receive a congratulatory call from the American President, Mr Carter.

    Thatcher: Humph! (Rolls her eyes.)

    Secretary: Please, Prime Minister, you must not do that.

    Thatcher: What? What do you mean?

    Secretary: You must not roll your eyes when I mention President Carter.

    (Thatcher rolls her eyes again.)

    Thatcher: I did nothing of the sort.

    Secretary: You did, ma’am, you must retain a straight face in all occasions, a poker face if you will.

    Thatcher: That is very true. All right, say his name again.

    Secretary: President Jimmy Carter.

    (Thatcher struggles, and with a great deal of effort manages to keep a poker face.)

    Secretary: Excellent, Prime Minister.

    Thatcher: I will most certainly keep that in mind. Now, who is my first visitor today?

    Secretary: Sir Frederick Gray, ma’am.

    (Thatcher rolls her eyes.)

    Secretary: It’s all right, that one you’re allowed to roll your eyes at.

    Thatcher: Well, send him in then.

    (The Cabinet Secretary calls in Sir Frederick Gray.)

    Gray: May I say congratulations, Prime Minister?

    Thatcher: That you most certainly may. Now, Sir Frederick, I must congratulate you as well.

    Gray: Me, ma’am?

    Thatcher: I have never seen a political manoeuvre as deft and well-handled as the one you pulled yesterday.

    Gray: Ah, well…

    Thatcher: The moment the result became clear, you resigned as Minister Of Defence and changed party from the losing one to the winning one- mine.

    Gray: It seemed the most prudent thing to do.

    Thatcher: And no doubt you are now hoping that I return you to your previous post as Minister Of Defence?

    Gray: If one can be of service in that area.

    Thatcher: Well, that is exactly what I am going to do.

    Gray: Thank you, Prime Minister.

    Thatcher: I was most impressed with your handling of that submarine business, with Karl Stromberg and the tanker Liparus, two years ago.

    Gray: Why, thank you ma’am.

    Thatcher: I have read your report, about how your man… what was it, 0006?

    Gray: 007, ma’am.

    Thatcher: Yes, 007 followed your orders exactly to bring the matter to a successful conclusion.

    Gray: That is so.

    Thatcher: Good. Because now I have another task for you. Have you heard of Drax Industries and the Moonraker….?


    (Strongly influenced by Tracey Ullman and her wonderful Angela Merkel impression.)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff

    I realise the above may seem unfamiliar to some of our younger members, so:

    Frederick Gray

    A Cabinet Secretary

    President Jimmy Carter

    Margaret Thatcher

    Hope this helps!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,942MI6 Agent

    🤣🤣🤣

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 2,767MI6 Agent

    This floor-crossing revelation makes complete sense, as we see in Moonraker Gray is a selfserving hypocrite. He is first in line to congratulate Bond for saving the world, yet ordered him off the case halfway through the story. Just watching the film, where there is no comment on his behaviour, that may seem an unintended contradiction in the plot. But in his novelization, Wood shows us Gray's interior thoughts as he tries to congratulate Bond at the end of the film, he is definitely an opportunistic slimeball of a career politician

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff

    He is indeed. Crossing the floor is the only explanation I can think of for how he is Defence Minister under a Labour government in TSWLM and under a Conservative government for the rest of his appearances.

    I'd just like to apologize to Satan for any offence caused above.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 2,767MI6 Agent

    btw thanks for giving me a line in the above Life of Brian style sketch

    but just for the record, its not so much the excitement I like, its the escapism, the wish-fullfillment fantasy, and the firm belief the Spy who Loved Me is like a Tintin adventure for big boys who are just starting to notice that girls are different. But to say all that would spoil the rhythm of the sketch, so excitement will do.

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,598MI6 Agent

    Laughing hard at the reference for the Iron Lady.


    As I recall...


    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,942MI6 Agent
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff

    Well, firstly I'm Scottish-

    why does scotland hate margaret thatcher - Bing

    And secondly, my years in the NHS coincided pretty much with Thatcher's government and then Major's so I saw first hand what was happening.


    Gymkata, I hadn't heard that song before- thank you very much. A little Billy Bragg'ish, I thought, and none the worse for that.


    caractacus, my pleasure.


    And my apologies to all for bringing up politics in this thread. I was, of course, just going for a laugh.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff

    1964. Pinewood Studios. Guy Hamilton is directing the “Golden Girl” scene.


    Shirley Eaton: Guy, I’m a bit nervous about this scene.

    Guy: Now don’t worry, Shirley.

    Shirley: I mean, I’m wearing almost nothing but the gold paint.

    Guy: It’ll be a closed set, Shirley, only the most essential personnel will be here.

    Shirley: (Glumly.) Well, okay then.

    Guy: Got that, guard? Only the most essential personnel.

    Security Guard: Got that, Mr Hamilton.

    (Shirley takes off her dressing gown and lies on the bed. A man approaches.)

    Guard: Hey, who are you?

    Man: I’m the Director of Photography.

    Guard: Well, okay.

    (Another man approaches.)

    Guard: Stop right there.

    Man: I’m the soundman, I have to be here.

    Guard: All right.

    (Another man approaches.)

    Guard: Stop right there.

    Man: I’m the second cameraman.

    Guard: Okay, you can get in.

    (Yet again, someone approaches.)

    Guard: Who are you, then?

    Man: I’m the assistant to the soundman.

    Guard: Well… I suppose you can get in.

    (Someone else approaches.)

    Man: I’m the lighting technician, they need me.

    Guard: Fair enough.

    (Once again, someone approaches.)

    Guard: And who might you be?

    Man: I’m the assistant to the cameraman.

    Guard: Well… all right.

    Guy: Hey, guard, no more!

    Guard: Certainly, Mr Hamilton.

    (Yet another man approaches.)

    Guard: Nobody else to get in. Mr Hamilton’s orders.

    Man: But-

    Guard: I said nobody else gets in!

    Man: But I’m-

    Guard: Oh yeah? And who might you be?

    Man: I’m Sean Connery.

    Guard: Oh, yeah… in you go.

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,598MI6 Agent

    No Best Boy?

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff
    edited August 2021

    (A young man approaches.)

    Guard: Hey you! No one gets in here.

    Man: But I'm the Best Boy.

    Guard: Huh?

    Man: I'm Pradeep, I'm the Best Boy.

    Guard: (Confused, not really knowing what a "Best Boy" is.) Well okay then...

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,598MI6 Agent

    I love that Pradeep is officially a 'thing'.

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,714MI6 Agent

    Pradeep, the ultimate architect has broken the fourth wall.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,237Chief of Staff

    1973. Eon Productions, Publicity Department. The telephone rings.


    Assistant: Hello, Publicity? …. Yes, of course, just a moment.

    (The assistant covers the earpiece and calls to his boss.)

    Assistant: Bob, it’s for you. And it’s Cubby Broccoli himself!

    (Bob takes the phone.)

    Bob: Ah, good morning, Mr Broccoli, I take it you’ve seen our new poster? ….. All right, you have…. Did you like what we did with Roger Moore’s name, having the “O”s line up to form “007”? I was very pleased with that…. Excellent, I’m glad you liked that too….Oh? What exactly? … Yes, I know he doesn’t really fire a ship-sized gun anywhere in the film but I thought it made a good centrepiece for the poster…. And yes, you’re correct, a crocodile ...What? … All right, an alligator does not actually spit speedboats full of armed men from its mouth… It’s called “artistic licence” ….


    …. Yes, I thought the cards were a great idea, you told me that we …. Well, we’ve got one figure representing Solitaire, one representing Rosie Carver, one representing Baron Samedi …. No, I’ve no idea who the other figure is either … She’s just there to balance the design of the image, can't have two figures on one side of Bond and only one on the other …. Oh? The one representing Rosie? What do you want? …. Make her boots bigger? Why on Earth would you want me to make her boots bigger? ...Oh, I see. Must be a bad line … So apart from that you’re happy? … Yes, Mr Broccoli, I’ll get onto that straight away.

    (He puts the phone down.)

    Assistant: Everything all right, Bob?

    Bob: Just a few little changes….

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