Shooting of the new James Bond film "Better Late Than Never Say Never". In an exotic location, the director is preparing to film the movie’s big car chase and is explaining the scene to the new Bond actor.
Director: …. so you’re in the Aston Martin and you drive round this corner, here, after the bad guys.
Actor: Sounds all right. Shall I get ready?
Director: Sure, just get into the car and drive round the corner. Stop once you’re round there.
Actor: No problem.
(He gets into the very beautiful 1964 silver/grey Aston Martin and starts the engine, waiting for the director to shout…)
Director: Action!
(The Actor drives off speedily, heading for the corner, but suddenly comes to a screeching halt. He emerges from the car.)
Director: Cut!
(He walks angrily toward the Actor.)
Director: What the f*** do you think you’re playing at? That was a perfect shot right up until you-
Actor: I had to stop! Look there!
(He points to an indistinct shape lying in the middle of the road.)
Director: (Walking closer.) What the hell…? It’s a woman, a young woman! What on Earth is going on?
Young Woman: I am protesting against the excess use of fossil fuels making this motion picture!
Director: Look, young lady, just you get up and get out of the road or I’m going to call security.
Young Woman: I cannot get up! I have glued myself to the road!
Director: (Looking closer to see if that’s true.) Oh my God, she’s right, she’s glued herself to the road.
Actor: Wait a minute, I recognise that face, I think. Just turn this way a little, please.
Young Woman: How dare you! I will not!
Actor: It’s her, it’s Greta Thunberg!
Greta: So what if I am? It does not alter the fact that you are burning huge amounts of fossil fuels just to make your silly film. I am going to stay right here!
Director: (Seeing his budget evaporate before his eyes.) Look, Miss Thunberg, let’s just say you’re right- what if we swap James Bond’s car here for an electric one? Would that please you?
Greta: No! The villain would still be driving a petrol car! And the electricity is made by burning fossil fuel! (She notices the cameras all pointing towards her.) That’s right, it’s me- Greta! I am protesting! Make sure you get my picture when the police come to take me away!
Director: Please, no, we don’t want that kind of publicity. All right, Miss Thunberg, you win. Tell me what you want….
(24 hours later, shooting recommences. The Actor playing Bond drives his horse and cart speedily around the corner but comes screeching to a halt, the horses whinnying frantically.)
Director: Cut! What the f*** is it this time?
Actor: It’s David Attenborough standing in the middle of the road.
Attenborough: And it is here, in this exotic location, that I am protesting against the way these horses are being treated!
(The Director finds a quiet place and begins to cry. After a while, the Actor speaks up.)
Actor: Bicycles?
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,608Chief of Staff
Monday: Came back from my studies in the Himalayas. Owing to ticking the wrong box, I have spent three years studying transcendental mediation instead of transcendental meditation. I suppose I can offer my services to ACAS to help with all these strikes going on in the UK.
Tuesday: Opened the mail to find that I was being sued yet again. Apparently my song “Buddha Buddha” is too close to “Sugar Sugar” by The Archies. My sweet Lord, will this never end?
Wednesday: Got an idea for a song while playing my guitar this morning. Spent the afternoon listening to 1,500 other songs in case I get accused of copying them.
Thursday: Paul’s James Bond song “Live And Let Die” did very well indeed last year. I’ve heard that John got a letter about doing the next one but threw it away, and that Ringo is hopeful he’ll get a shot. If they ask me I’ll have to think about it, but the money would certainly be useful for all these court cases.
Friday: Watched “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” on TV. Those guys are hilarious! Eric Idle especially, he’s really funny.
And thanks for all the ongoing entertainment in this legendary thread!
If George H had been offered and accepted the gig, Roger would have needed to wear self-crocheted knitwear and bell bottom jeans for TMWTGG (plus a George L beard for the premiere), and Christopher Lee his 'The Wicker Man' wig!
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,608Chief of Staff
Monday: Went to work. Paid the gas bill. Heard The Rolling Stones on the radio- great guitars.
Tuesday: Went to work. Paid the rent. Heard The Beach Boys on the radio- great harmonies.
Wednesday: Went to work. Paid the electricity bill. Heard The Kinks on the radio- great songwriting.
Thursday: Went to work. Paid the phone bill. Heard The Who on the radio. Great rock & roll.
Friday: Went to work. Paid the water bill. Heard The Beatles on the radio. Bastards.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,608Chief of Staff
edited April 26
🤣
A lot of truth in that, even if he does get the odd decent paycheque from them 👀
Must have been weird too, having Neil Aspinall going out with his mum and them having his half-brother Roag…must have had some interesting conversations at home…not that I expect any here…probably back to Bond time…🙂
As I implied above, I've got a lot of sympathy for Pete although it's undeniable that Ringo was the better drummer. I knew a guy once who had quit a band just before they made it big- his own choice, he hadn't been fired- and although he denied it I'm sure he must have kicked himself.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,608Chief of Staff
Ringo is by far the better drummer…as we know, Pete only got the gig because they needed a drummer for Hamburg…
Could have been a ‘sliding doors’ moment for Andy White too….if they hadn’t only just asked Ringo to replace Pete….Jimmie Nicol sat in for Ringo on tour too - although he was a bit of an arse from all accounts 👀
Anyway…apologies again for the derailment of this splendid thread 🤗
1979. Hugo Drax’s control room, somewhere in Brazil. Bond, still wet from his struggle with the geographically incorrect python, is guarded by Jaws as Drax explains his evil master plan.
Drax: …now you have distracted me enough. Jaws, Mr Bond must be cold after his swim. Place him where he can be assured of warmth.
(Jaws leads Bond off from the control room.)
First Computer Operator: Er, Mr Drax?
Drax: (Annoyed.) What is it? I am very busy right now.
Operator: I won’t take a moment. It’s just that, I heard you talking to that James Bond guy a moment ago.
Drax: Yes, what of it?
Operator: Well, you said something about orchid pollen causing death.
Drax: Did I?
2nd Operator: That’s right, he did say that.
1st Operator: And we’ve been sending all these vials up into space.
2nd Operator: To that big space station that no-one down on Earth is supposed to know anything about.
1st Operator: Although, if you ask me, that’s pretty hard to-
Drax: All right, so I did say all that. What do you want to know?
1st Operator: Well, it’s just that, me and some of the boys have been talking and we think that it’s mighty strange that we aren’t being invited up onto this big space station.
2nd Operator: That no-one down here on Earth is supposed to know anything about.
1st Operator: So we would like to know what you intend to do about that, Mr Drax?
Drax: Oh, that is very simple.
(He gestures to Jaws, who has come back into the control room behind the operators. Jaws effortlessly bangs the two men’s heads together and they drop deceased to the floor.)
Drax: Anyone else got any questions? (Silence.) Good. Let us continue!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,608Chief of Staff
Official: Welcome to Switzerland, Monsieur Bleuchamp.
Blofeld: That is Comte de Bleuchamp.
Official: Oh yes, of course. And to you, Herr Bunt.
Bunt: That is Fraulein Bunt.
Official: Huh? (Looks more closely.) If you say so. Now, have you anything to declare?
Blofeld: Only my genius.
Official: Well let us see what we find in your luggage. Put your case up here, please. (Blofeld does so.) And you, Herr- er, Fraulein Bunt. (Bunt does, with a 10,000 kilowatt glare at the official.) Now, open these cases, please, and let me see inside…
One draft letter to the College Of Arms, London
One jar of pills labelled “For facial recognition problems”
One tin cat food
One leaflet “How to smoke in a manly way; the method to hold a cigarette like a man” (Scribbled over with the words “wrong, all wrong, wrong!”)
A jar of beauty cream, almost empty
One cassette of “Do You Know How Christmas Trees Are Grown?”
One jar of cream labelled “Grow back hair. Industrial strength. Takes two years to take effect. Guaranteed for at least ten years afterwards”.
One cat passport in the name of "Tiddles "
One book "Learn To Ski In Ten Days Or Your Money Back " by Willi Bogner
Official: All seems to be in order. What is the purpose of your visit to Switzerland, business or pleasure?
Comments
That’s excellent, gents 😂😂😂
Thanks, CHB, and of course to Sir Miles as well.
1974. The Starkey household. Ringo is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
Mrs Starkey: (No, not Agent XXX- they haven’t met yet.) Oh, sit down, my love, why don’t you?
Ringo: Sit down? How can I sit down at a time like this?
Mrs Starkey: A time like this? Just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea- with biscuits!
Ringo: Tea? I don’t want tea- I want that phone to ring!
Mrs Starkey: But what makes you think they’ll phone you?
Ringo: They have to phone me! They had Paul do their last one, didn’t they?
Mrs Starkey: Yes, my darling, but Paul McCartney is one of the world’s leading songwriters if not THE leading songwriter, and you’re… er…
Ringo: Yes? Go on.
Mrs Starkey: (Quickly.) Maybe they might ask George!
Ringo: They’d have to find him first. Last I heard he was in a temple up in the Himalayas studying existential meditation.
Mrs Starkey: Well, maybe they might ask John then.
Ringo: I heard that they already asked him and he said no, which is good.
Mrs Starkey: Why is that good?
Ringo: You know that Paul had absolutely insisted on having Linda on backing vocals for his James Bond song?
Mrs Starkey: Of course.
Ringo: If it had been John then he’d have wanted Yoko!
Mrs Starkey: Oh, right. That is good, then.
Ringo: Yeah, the world dodged a bullet there. Anyway, you want to hear my song?
Mrs Starkey: Er… of course, Ringo, darling.
Ringo: All right then. (Ringo goes to their piano and sings as he starts thumping out the only two chords he knows.)
I listen for your footsteps
In my octopus’s pond
I listen for your footsteps
But all I hear’s James Bond!
Oh Bond oh Bond oh Bond James Bond
Oh Bond oh Bond oh Bond James Bond
Mrs Starkey: Now that won’t do, you know.
Ringo: Why not?
Mrs Starkey: You said “Octopussy’s pond”.
Ringo: No, I said “Octopus’s pond”.
Mrs Starkey: Oh good- there’s no such thing as an “Octopussy”.
Love it, love it, love it 🤣🤣🤣
And nice to see Maureen at home…and not off with George studying his ‘existential mediation’ 👀🤗🙊🤣
Maybe more later?
2025 (With luck.)
Shooting of the new James Bond film "Better Late Than Never Say Never". In an exotic location, the director is preparing to film the movie’s big car chase and is explaining the scene to the new Bond actor.
Director: …. so you’re in the Aston Martin and you drive round this corner, here, after the bad guys.
Actor: Sounds all right. Shall I get ready?
Director: Sure, just get into the car and drive round the corner. Stop once you’re round there.
Actor: No problem.
(He gets into the very beautiful 1964 silver/grey Aston Martin and starts the engine, waiting for the director to shout…)
Director: Action!
(The Actor drives off speedily, heading for the corner, but suddenly comes to a screeching halt. He emerges from the car.)
Director: Cut!
(He walks angrily toward the Actor.)
Director: What the f*** do you think you’re playing at? That was a perfect shot right up until you-
Actor: I had to stop! Look there!
(He points to an indistinct shape lying in the middle of the road.)
Director: (Walking closer.) What the hell…? It’s a woman, a young woman! What on Earth is going on?
Young Woman: I am protesting against the excess use of fossil fuels making this motion picture!
Director: Look, young lady, just you get up and get out of the road or I’m going to call security.
Young Woman: I cannot get up! I have glued myself to the road!
Director: (Looking closer to see if that’s true.) Oh my God, she’s right, she’s glued herself to the road.
Actor: Wait a minute, I recognise that face, I think. Just turn this way a little, please.
Young Woman: How dare you! I will not!
Actor: It’s her, it’s Greta Thunberg!
Greta: So what if I am? It does not alter the fact that you are burning huge amounts of fossil fuels just to make your silly film. I am going to stay right here!
Director: (Seeing his budget evaporate before his eyes.) Look, Miss Thunberg, let’s just say you’re right- what if we swap James Bond’s car here for an electric one? Would that please you?
Greta: No! The villain would still be driving a petrol car! And the electricity is made by burning fossil fuel! (She notices the cameras all pointing towards her.) That’s right, it’s me- Greta! I am protesting! Make sure you get my picture when the police come to take me away!
Director: Please, no, we don’t want that kind of publicity. All right, Miss Thunberg, you win. Tell me what you want….
(24 hours later, shooting recommences. The Actor playing Bond drives his horse and cart speedily around the corner but comes screeching to a halt, the horses whinnying frantically.)
Director: Cut! What the f*** is it this time?
Actor: It’s David Attenborough standing in the middle of the road.
Attenborough: And it is here, in this exotic location, that I am protesting against the way these horses are being treated!
(The Director finds a quiet place and begins to cry. After a while, the Actor speaks up.)
Actor: Bicycles?
James Bond in high pursuit…..
Music by Ron Grainer 🤣
🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏
Yes, nice one Sir M!!! 😁
While we're on The Beatles, this is a reprint from almost four years ago....
1973. McCartney farm, Mull of Kintyre.
Linda: So who was on the phone, Paul?
Paul: Oh, that was George.
Linda: Hmm- Ringo phoned yesterday or the night before. I’m wondering if John will phone tomorrow and you guys are getting back together?
Paul: No, no- it was George Martin. He’s writing the score for the new James Bond picture and would like me to write & sing the title song.
Linda: James Bond, eh? I like that Sean Connery!
Paul: No, it’ll be Roger Moore. Sean Connery said never again... again.
Linda: Roger Moore- The Saint? The Persuaders? Mmmm...
Paul: Yeah, I think he’ll be good. Anyway, George wants the song real quick, say by tomorrow, so he can work it into the score.
Linda: Well, dinner’s in half an hour. Do you want a cup of tea before you write the song or after?
Paul: Oh, before, I think.
Linda: And biscuits?
Paul: Oh, yeah.
(Linda goes to the kitchen, makes two cups of tea, and returns to find Paul scribbling away.)
Paul: Changed my mind, that’s it ready now.
Linda: That took you longer than normal.
Paul: Yeah, well, I thought I'd do the B-side as well.
I enjoyed reading that one again…🤣👏🏻🤣👏🏻
George Martin:
Cubby, Harry... we have a new sound for James Bond. Take it away, Macca!
Paul and Linda (singing):
When you were young
So much younger than today
And your heart was an open
Ticket to ride
You used to say
She loves you
Yeah Yeah Yeah
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But if this ever-changin' world in which we're
Darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
Makes you
Get back to where you once belonged
Say
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
What does it matter to you?
When you got a job to do
You gotta do it well
You better free your mind instead
Christ, you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're gonna
Live and let die
Ob La Di Ob La Da
Live and let die
Lucy in the sky
With diamonds are forever, forever, forever...
We all live and let die in a yellow submarine!
Harry Saltzman:
What the hell is all this hippy sh*t!? It's like listening to the Beatles without ear muffs!
😁😁😁
Many thanks @Shady Tree, that certainly please pleased me. I think I can do one more Beatles post and then... let it be.
1974
The Diary Of George Harrison
Monday: Came back from my studies in the Himalayas. Owing to ticking the wrong box, I have spent three years studying transcendental mediation instead of transcendental meditation. I suppose I can offer my services to ACAS to help with all these strikes going on in the UK.
Tuesday: Opened the mail to find that I was being sued yet again. Apparently my song “Buddha Buddha” is too close to “Sugar Sugar” by The Archies. My sweet Lord, will this never end?
Wednesday: Got an idea for a song while playing my guitar this morning. Spent the afternoon listening to 1,500 other songs in case I get accused of copying them.
Thursday: Paul’s James Bond song “Live And Let Die” did very well indeed last year. I’ve heard that John got a letter about doing the next one but threw it away, and that Ringo is hopeful he’ll get a shot. If they ask me I’ll have to think about it, but the money would certainly be useful for all these court cases.
Friday: Watched “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” on TV. Those guys are hilarious! Eric Idle especially, he’s really funny.
😁😁😁
And thanks for all the ongoing entertainment in this legendary thread!
If George H had been offered and accepted the gig, Roger would have needed to wear self-crocheted knitwear and bell bottom jeans for TMWTGG (plus a George L beard for the premiere), and Christopher Lee his 'The Wicker Man' wig!
@Shady Tree ….very enjoyable 👏🏻🤣
@Barbel He’s So Fine with another belter 🤣
And here is Ringo with his Bond song 🍸
they shoulda asked George
these Bond films are expensive to make, and George wouldve paid all the costs just because he wanted to see the film
JB: "008 knows what I know. 'Operation Grand Slam', for instance."
GF: "Two words which cannot possibly have any significance to you."
JB: "Three words."
GF: "Come again, Mr Bond?"
JB: "'Operation Grand Slam'. That's three words."
GF: "No, 'Grandslam' is one word.' 'Operation' and 'Grandslam' makes two."
JB: "'Grand Slam' is one word?"
GF: "Is it not a slam if it's not Grand, Mr Bond?"
JB: "My God...But of course! That's brilliant. I apologize, Goldfinger."
😂😂😂😂
😂😂😂😂
What have I started....?
@Shady Tree and @Quentin Quigley 😂😂😂👏👏👏
Youve got competition @Barbel 😁
Oh no- I've got company!!
Right, that's our little sidestep into the world of The Beatles over. Finished. It's time for some plain, solid work. No more Beatles.
1974
The Diary Of Pete Best
Monday: Went to work. Paid the gas bill. Heard The Rolling Stones on the radio- great guitars.
Tuesday: Went to work. Paid the rent. Heard The Beach Boys on the radio- great harmonies.
Wednesday: Went to work. Paid the electricity bill. Heard The Kinks on the radio- great songwriting.
Thursday: Went to work. Paid the phone bill. Heard The Who on the radio. Great rock & roll.
Friday: Went to work. Paid the water bill. Heard The Beatles on the radio. Bastards.
🤣
A lot of truth in that, even if he does get the odd decent paycheque from them 👀
Must have been weird too, having Neil Aspinall going out with his mum and them having his half-brother Roag…must have had some interesting conversations at home…not that I expect any here…probably back to Bond time…🙂
As I implied above, I've got a lot of sympathy for Pete although it's undeniable that Ringo was the better drummer. I knew a guy once who had quit a band just before they made it big- his own choice, he hadn't been fired- and although he denied it I'm sure he must have kicked himself.
Ringo is by far the better drummer…as we know, Pete only got the gig because they needed a drummer for Hamburg…
Could have been a ‘sliding doors’ moment for Andy White too….if they hadn’t only just asked Ringo to replace Pete….Jimmie Nicol sat in for Ringo on tour too - although he was a bit of an arse from all accounts 👀
Anyway…apologies again for the derailment of this splendid thread 🤗
Threads are made to be derailed - it’s part of the charm 😁
I don't mind in the least and have totally enjoyed our little journey into Beatleland.
1979. Hugo Drax’s control room, somewhere in Brazil. Bond, still wet from his struggle with the geographically incorrect python, is guarded by Jaws as Drax explains his evil master plan.
Drax: …now you have distracted me enough. Jaws, Mr Bond must be cold after his swim. Place him where he can be assured of warmth.
(Jaws leads Bond off from the control room.)
First Computer Operator: Er, Mr Drax?
Drax: (Annoyed.) What is it? I am very busy right now.
Operator: I won’t take a moment. It’s just that, I heard you talking to that James Bond guy a moment ago.
Drax: Yes, what of it?
Operator: Well, you said something about orchid pollen causing death.
Drax: Did I?
2nd Operator: That’s right, he did say that.
1st Operator: And we’ve been sending all these vials up into space.
2nd Operator: To that big space station that no-one down on Earth is supposed to know anything about.
1st Operator: Although, if you ask me, that’s pretty hard to-
Drax: All right, so I did say all that. What do you want to know?
1st Operator: Well, it’s just that, me and some of the boys have been talking and we think that it’s mighty strange that we aren’t being invited up onto this big space station.
2nd Operator: That no-one down here on Earth is supposed to know anything about.
1st Operator: So we would like to know what you intend to do about that, Mr Drax?
Drax: Oh, that is very simple.
(He gestures to Jaws, who has come back into the control room behind the operators. Jaws effortlessly bangs the two men’s heads together and they drop deceased to the floor.)
Drax: Anyone else got any questions? (Silence.) Good. Let us continue!
🤣
😁😁😁 That’s very well thought out.
Thank you, gents. Today's is in collaboration with Number24 and will be along shortly.
Written in collaboration with Number24.
1969. Swiss Immigration.
Official: Welcome to Switzerland, Monsieur Bleuchamp.
Blofeld: That is Comte de Bleuchamp.
Official: Oh yes, of course. And to you, Herr Bunt.
Bunt: That is Fraulein Bunt.
Official: Huh? (Looks more closely.) If you say so. Now, have you anything to declare?
Blofeld: Only my genius.
Official: Well let us see what we find in your luggage. Put your case up here, please. (Blofeld does so.) And you, Herr- er, Fraulein Bunt. (Bunt does, with a 10,000 kilowatt glare at the official.) Now, open these cases, please, and let me see inside…
One draft letter to the College Of Arms, London
One jar of pills labelled “For facial recognition problems”
One tin cat food
One leaflet “How to smoke in a manly way; the method to hold a cigarette like a man” (Scribbled over with the words “wrong, all wrong, wrong!”)
A jar of beauty cream, almost empty
One cassette of “Do You Know How Christmas Trees Are Grown?”
One jar of cream labelled “Grow back hair. Industrial strength. Takes two years to take effect. Guaranteed for at least ten years afterwards”.
One cat passport in the name of "Tiddles "
One book "Learn To Ski In Ten Days Or Your Money Back " by Willi Bogner
Official: All seems to be in order. What is the purpose of your visit to Switzerland, business or pleasure?
Blofeld: Business. And a little pleasure….
I think you've developed our ideas very well.