Imaginary Conversations



  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ and I thought I was mad!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    2003. The household of Halle Berry. Ms Berry is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.


    Assistant: Please sit down, Ms Berry, take a rest.

    Halle: Sit down? I can’t sit down!

    Assistant: You’re wearing yourself out.

    Halle: I don’t care.

    Assistant: Just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.

    Halle: Coffee? I can’t think of coffee at a time like this!

    Assistant: At least let me carry your Oscar for you.

    Halle:  (Clutching her Oscar possessively.)  No chance, I had to work hard for that!

    Assistant: Okay, okay.

    Halle: They’ve got to phone, they’ve got to!

    Assistant: (Puzzled.) Who has to phone?

    Halle: Barbara and Michael.

    Assistant: Who?

    Halle: Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli.

    Assistant: Ah, the James Bond people.

    Halle: They said they were thinking about having my character, Jinx, from the latest James Bond film, star in a series of her own.

    Assistant: That’s called a spin-off, I believe.

    Halle: That’s right. Well, the film is out a while now and everyone loved it and more importantly everyone loved me so why aren’t they phoning?

    Assistant: Perhaps they have other things on their mind?

    Halle: What could be more important than this?

    Assistant: Well, I have heard… now it’s just a whisper at the moment, there’s no proof to back it up, it’s just a-

    Halle: Oh get on with it!

    Assistant: I have heard that they might be wanting a new actor to play James Bond.

    Halle: What? Replace Pierce Brosnan? After the success of this movie and the others before it? That would be ridiculous.

    Assistant: It’s only what I’ve heard.

    Halle: And here’s me waiting to play their Jinx in a spin off, maybe a series? There’s only one thing I can do.

    Assistant: What’s that?

    Halle: I’ve had another offer- someone wants me to play Catwoman.

    Assistant: Oh, good. I can’t see anything going wrong with that…

    5 Reasons Why 'Catwoman' (2004) is So Bad It's...Good? | Museum of Pop Culture (

    Halle Berry opens up about guilt over Catwoman failure: ‘For all these years, I’ve carried the weight of that’ | The Independent

    Halle Berry Knew Catwoman Movie 'Didn't Feel Quite Right' - IGN

    Catwoman (film) - Wikipedia

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    At least the outfit was nice πŸ€—

    YNWA 97
  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 3,097MI6 Agent

    As an American of a certain age, I'm probably the only one who remembers the episode of The Gong Show where every contestant sang "Feelings". It was an epic troll of the show's judges and audience.

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,385MI6 Agent

    🀣🀣🀣 You ain’t seen nothing yet - oh, hang on, there might be another one there 😁

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    That would be interesting!

    If it was shown over here, I didn't see it but it sounds hilarious. 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    1966. James Bond is summoned to the office of his chief.


    Bond: You sent for me, sir?

    Chief: Yes, Bond, have a seat.

    (Bond sits.)

    Chief: Now, I suppose you know why I wanted to see you.

    Bond: No, sir.

    Chief: Your last venture didn’t come up to expectations.

    Bond: I’m sorry to hear that.

    Chief: So this time I think there’s no alternative. We have to use your name.

    Bond: (Puzzled.) My name?

    Chief: Yes, you have what is known as “name value”. It has been very obvious for the last year or two that anything with your name upon it sells by the million.

    Bond: Such as?

    Chief: Books, toy cars, aftershave- the list is endless.

     And I think it’s time to take advantage of that.

    Bond: I don’t know about that, it feels a bit, well, cheap.

    Chief: That it may be, but if you want to continue working for us then that is the way it has to be.

    Bond: (Glumly.) I suppose so.

    (He gets up to leave.)

    Chief: There’s just one thing, though.

    Bond: Yes? What’s that?

    Chief: You have to use the name “James”- no more of this “Jimmy” nonsense.

    Bond: But sir, I’ve built up my reputation with that name!

    Chief: (Firmly.) “James” it will be. In fact, you will be the bandleader- “The James Bond Sextet” will be on the cover.

    Bond: Hmph. If you say so.


    There really was a musician called Jimmy Bond. He played bass (the coolest of all instruments, obviously) and for years played mainly jazz with such as Thelonius Monk and Tony Bennett. The above album was released in 1966 during Bondmania and Jimmy found himself named James on the cover. It’s not bad if you like jazz, and certainly is far from the worst Bond music cover album available.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    I’m surprised Eon didn’t sue 😱

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    I don't think they could, since it was the man's real name.

    James "Jimmy" Bond, 1933-2012

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,385MI6 Agent

    Well, I never! Something else I’ve learned today.

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff
    edited April 19

    It was roughly equivalent to a contemporary album -

    which featured ex-Beatle Pete Best singing some rock & roll songs as opposed to a greatest hits compilation by the biggest band in the world... though it could easily be mistaken for exactly that.

    Edit- I for one don't grudge poor Pete making a bit of money.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Written by CoolHandBond and Barbel

    1964. James Bond’s apartment. He is entertaining the delightful Miss Moneypenny….

    Moneypenny: Ouch! Ow, ow, ow! James! Huh, huh, huh! Ouch, that hurts James, no more, please, no more! Ouch!

    Bond: Now I told you jusht what I’d do, Penny. Lemon juish and yoghurt, indeed. Thish ish what happens with lemon juish and yoghurt!

    Moneypenny: But you’ve put far too many red hot chillies in the curry, James, more yoghurt is needed to bring down the heat.

    (Bond looks into Moneypenny’s dreamy eyes.)

    Bond: Now, how about deshert, dear Penny?

    Moneypenny: But there isn’t one anywhere near here, James.

    Bond: Not deshert, Moneypenny, deshert!

    Moneypenny: Oh, James! I’ve been waiting so long for this moment. Wait there, I will cut you a slice of my delicious angel cake I brought over. You’re going to like it- you’ll be wanting it all the time!

    (Bond sighs sadly at the obvious implication. Moneypenny sighs wistfully as she cuts the cake.)

    Moneypenny: (Whispering to herself.) It can never happen, James. We’d all miss the flirting before every mission.

    Bond: I heard that, Moneypenny. It’sh a bit shilly- do you think we’ll shtill be flirting twenty yearsh from now?

    Moneypenny: Twenty, thirty, forty- I’ll be waiting for you, James!

    Bond: (A wicked gleam in his eye.) How about… shixty yearsh?

    Moneypenny: Sixty years? But that would be 2024.

    Bond: But of course.

    Moneypenny: (Leaning her head flirtingly on Bond’s shoulder.) And what will you and I be doing sixty years from now, James, in the year 2024?

    Bond: Oh, that’sh shimple.

    Moneypenny: Tell me…

    Bond: We’ll be doing what everyone elshe ish doing- waiting for Eon to get their finger out and make another movie!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent
    edited April 19

    I always confushe deshert and desshert myself. 😁

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff
    edited April 19

    Just to digress….I listen to a Beatles podcast (well a couple actually ☺️) and on the one I was listening to yesterday (I am the EggPod), they talked about that very album…

    Along with this one…

    Which is really Tony Sheridan (doing some bad Elvis singing) backed by The Beat Brothers (John, Paul, George & Pete - with most of his drum kit taken away πŸ‘€) because the word Beatles sounds like German slang for the male appendage 🀣

    Apologies for the interruption…and now back to our main thread 😊

    YNWA 97
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Another funny one from CHB & Barbel - thanks 🀣🀣🀣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    I'm enough of a Beatle fan to have those songs (though not in that exact guise, them having been re-issued countless times) but not the Pete Best one.

    And yes, that's true about the German thing- so much that John made a joke of it between songs in Hamburg (it could easily be misheard as a slip of the tongue or just an accent thing, but we all know what he was like!).

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    PS "I am the EggPod" πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Some people have de-mixed those songs to remove Tony…as usual, the Beatles harmonies are beautiful…

    Pete had his bass drum taken from him for those recordings, and Paul had only had his bass guitar for a couple of weeks 😳

    John? Oh yes, he’d start punch ups, drop his trousers on stage and often wore a toilet seat round his head…and that’s the tame stuff he got up too πŸ‘€πŸ«£πŸ€£

    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,385MI6 Agent
    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff
  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,978MI6 Agent

    Cry for a Shadow and Aint She Sweet are just the Beatles, I believe, no Tony Sheridan, and oughta be better known. are they both on anthology 1?

    I'd like to see someone use this newfangled Now & Then AI technology to clean up Live at the StarClub Hamburg to something better than bootleg quality, its a much better live album than Hollywood Bowl. The Hamburg live album and the Tony Sheridan sessions are the two graymarket Beatles albums I used to always see cluttering up mainstream record store bins before the CD era, and both had a million different covers to confuse the unwary and compel the completists. I dont think I've ever seen a copy of the Pete Best album

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Yes, they're both there as is "My Bonnie" sung by Sheridan (but I can't remember now which version of that, it's been a while since I played the album).

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Tony did re-record his vocals for that some years later…the re-recorded vocals are more ‘aggressive’ 😳

    @caractacus potts , I think Peter Jackson wants to use his magic box of tricks on The StarClub Tapes, there was some dispute over ownership until Apple won and locked them away in their vaults…there is still quite a bit locked up in there πŸ‘€

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Well, since we're on The Beatles, this is for @Sir Miles and @caractacus potts

    1973. Dakota Building, New York. John Lennon is having a cup of tea when there is a knock on the door. John doesn’t hear it at first, owing to some strange unearthly screeching noises coming from the next room. The knock is repeated, more firmly, and this time John hears it. He answers the door to find the mailman.

    Mailman: Some letters for you, Mr Lennon.

    John: What?

    Mailman: (Louder.) Some letters for you.

    John: Sorry, I can’t hear you- wait a minute.

    (John yells into one of the rooms.)

    John: Yoko! Give me one moment, please!

    (The Godawful wailing ceases.)

    John: That’s better, now what did you want?

    Mailman: (Thrusts out a bundle of papers.) Some letters for you, Mr Lennon.

    John: Oh, thanks.

    (He reaches into his pocket for a few dollars to tip the mailman, but that individual has quickly left in case the noise starts again. Yoko wanders in from the other room.)

    Yoko: What is it, John darling?

    John: Some letters. Let me see… one from Paul saying “I wrote that one, you bastard”… one from US Immigration (He deftly throws that into the nearest bin.) … Hmm, this one looks interesting, from some company called Eon Productions.

    Yoko: Eon? I can make a song out of that! (Begins to howl dreadfully.) Eee-ooo, eee- ooo, eee-ooonnnnn… (Their dog runs and hides under a bed.)

    John: (Patiently.) Yes, thank you my love. Let’s see what they want… Ah, I knew I’d heard that name before- they’re the people who make the James Bond films. Apparently their next one is to be called “Live And Let Die” and they wonder if I’d like to write and sing the title song for it.

    Yoko: Yes! (Wails abominably.) Leeeiive and let die-ee-aye-ee-aye. (Birds outside the window fly off in terror.)

    John: Oh, wait a bit- the letter says “Dear Mr McCartney”. They must have put it in the wrong envelope or something.

    Yoko: I’ll get the mailman back.

    John: No, let me do it.

    (He goes to the door and begins to sing…)

    John: Stop! Oh yeah, wait a minute Mr Postman…

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Thank you - love it 🀣

    The Teatles πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ™ŒπŸ»

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Tea, as we all know, was an enormous influence on The Rutles.

    Dirk even admitted to having biscuits with his.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    And Sgt. Rutter’s Only Darts Club Band was created under the influence of tea 😡‍πŸ’«πŸ«–

    Obviously, I LOVE The Rutles and regularly listen to Archeology 🍸

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    I do too, though my copy of that has disappeared (while moving house, I suspect).

    A friend does a radio show, and several years ago he was interviewing Nasty... er, Neil Innes. He let me sit in on condition I sat well back and said NOTHING. The great man was friendly and chatty, and the time flashed by. I got a "Hello" and a few words as he left.

    If you want to hear a bit more just drop a PM.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    This was written by @Number24 and me. He's been very patient, since this was delayed by wandering off through Beatles talk. A sort of Magical Mystery Tour, you might say.... er, so this is for Number24.

    2012. Vauxhall Cross, M’s office. Colonel Gareth Mallory, has arrived to take over as the new M.


    Moneypenny: (Showing him around.) …and this will be your desk, sir.

    M: Excellent, thank you, Miss Moneypenny.

    (He puts his briefcase on the desk and opens the top drawer.)

    M: I have items I would like to put in the drawers, of course. Miss Moneypenny, would you assist me in clearing out the belongings of the previous M? I have this arm in a sling, you know.

    Moneypenny: I’m afraid not, sir.

    M: Afraid not? Why?

    Moneypenny: It’s a matter of security clearance, you see. Only you have the level of security clearance required to open and go through these drawers.

    M: Oh, very well then. If you can have a box sent in I’ll go through the desk. I wonder what I might find….?


    One bottle of Bourbon

    A large sheaf of parking tickets and speed violations. There’s a handwritten note from Bond saying: "Can you take care of these for me, please, ma’am? 007".

    One Oscar (Fiennes… er, Mallory’s eyes gleam with desire.)

    A brochure for advanced home security. Clipped to it is a still unfiled complaint against Bond for breaking and entering. Twice.

    Webster’s Guide To Advanced Swearing

    One bottle of green ink

    A packet of Tenalady with a note from Moneypenny “In case you meet Admiral Roebuck  and start laughing again”

    A sarcastic letter from her children

    A thank you letter from Tracey Ullman, doggy poo bags included

    An angry letter from Maggie Smith about parts she had wanted

    A tourist brochure for trips to Scotland with a headline “For everyone who’s always dreamed of staying in a rustic mansion in the Highlands!” There’s a Post-It note on top saying “bucket list”.

    Bond’s actual test grades as unseen by Tanner or Mallory. Mallory’s eyes widen as he takes in the true results.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Nicely done, guys - particularly the Tracey Ullman bit 🀣

    YNWA 97
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