Imaginary Conversations

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff

    He does indeed, but I couldn't find a pic of his other one to illustrate it.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff


    Written with Bride Of Barbel.


    2024 (I’m an optimist). Eon HQ, in a capsule in space about to be swallowed up by a bigger capsule with “Amazon” painted on the side. Michael G. Wilson, Barbara Broccoli, Neal Purvis, and Robert Wade are listening to the animal trainer who has appeared in these pages before and is touting for more work from them.

     

    Trainer: I was thinking that James Bond lives a dangerous life, so maybe a villain has put a tarantula in his bed and-

    MGW: We’ve done that.

     

    Trainer: Well, what about a poisonous snake in his bathroom? We could-

    BB: Done that, too.

     Trainer: A python then! They’re very-

    Purvis: We’ve had that as well.

     

    Trainer: Rrright… well, how about piranha fish? They are very scary and-

    Wade: That’s been done.

     Trainer: (Getting desperate.) Siamese fighting fish?

    MGW: Stupid.

    Trainer: Now that’s just plain rude, Mr Wilson. I may not be in your position but-

    MGW: No, no, you misunderstand me- they’re stupid, on the whole. Except for the occasional one.

     

    Trainer: Ah, I see. Er…. a giant squid?

    BB: Giant squid?

    Purvis: A giant squid?

    Trainer: Yes, now that’s pretty much the most frightening animal on Earth. Well, in the ocean, of course, but you see what I mean.

    Wade: What a crazy idea. James Bond vs a giant squid!

    MGW: Yes, go away and think again. Giant squid indeed! Who could come up with such an idea??!!


  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,929MI6 Agent

    I'm still waiting for that scene to be adapted, its gonna be a good one

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff

    Yes, me too. Now there's an idea for a thread (unless there already is one, which I suspect there will be)- unused Fleming scenes we'd like to see in a movie.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff

    This one is a little later than usual but I liked the Bride's idea for the one above so posted that first.


    1995. The Connery household. No, Jason Connery. He is pacing up and down, never getting too far from the telephone.

     

    Mrs Connery: Oh sit down, Jason, why don’t you?

    Jason: Sit down? I can’t sit down!

    Mrs Connery: Why don’t you just sit down and relax?

    Jason: Relax? How can I relax at a time like this?

    Mrs Connery: A time like this?

    Jason: Everybody knows Timothy Dalton has quit as James Bond and they’re needing a new lead actor.

    Mrs Connery: Let me make you a nice cup of tea and-

    Jason: I don’t want tea! I want that phone to ring!

    Mrs Connery: Look, if they want you they’ll call.

    Jason: They’ve got to want me. I’m the only man for the job!

    Mrs Connery: Oh, Jason, what makes you say that?

    Jason: Didn’t I play Ian Fleming just recently?

     Mrs Connery: Yes, yes you did, and very well too.

    Jason: So this is the logical next step.

    Mrs Connery: Yes, well, Charles Dance played Fleming recently as well so perhaps they might want him.

    Jason: Oh, yes, I suppose that’s true. But he doesn’t have my family background!

    Mrs Connery: Now you know things don’t work that way and-

    (The telephone rings. They stare at each other for a second before Jason seizes it and holds it to his ear.)

    Jason: Hello? …. Yes, that’s me. Connery. Jason Connery … Hmm, secret agent you say (Mrs Connery’s eyes shine as she stares at him.) …. Son of a famous secret agent from the 1960s? ….. I’ll be there on Monday at 9am!

    (He hangs up. Mrs Connery embraces him excitedly.)

    Mrs Connery: Oh Jason, you did it! You’re James Bond, or James Bond’s son anyway from what I heard!

    Jason: Not so much- I’m playing Harry Palmer’s son in Michael Caine's next two movies, but it’s a step in the right direction!


  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 3,091MI6 Agent

    Not surprised Jason didn't get the call. Could you imagine a blond James Bond?

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,511Chief of Staff

    More excellence 👏🏻👏🏻🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff
    edited April 5

    Thanks, @Sir Miles.

    @Westward_Drift, that gives me an idea for another Conversation....

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff


    2024. The Connery household. No, still Jason’s. He and Mrs Connery are looking after their infant grandson who is crawling on the floor.


    Jason: Aw, he’s gorgeous.

    Mrs Connery: Come to granny!

    Jason: Come to grandpa!

    Mrs Connery: Come to granny!

    Jason: Come to grandpa!

    Mrs Connery: Aw, he won’t crawl over to us.

    Jason: Yes, he just keeps crawling up and down.

    Mrs Connery: Never getting too far away from the telephone.

    Jason: The telephone…

    Mrs Connery: (Hmmm....) You don’t think…?

    Jason: Well, maybe. It’s in the genes, you know.

    Mrs Connery: Yes, you used to pace up and down, never getting too far away from the phone, when you knew Eon were looking for a new James Bond.

    Jason: That’s true, and my dad told me he did it, too, way back.

    Mrs Connery: It’s a bit soon for our little grandson to be waiting for a phone call.

    Jason: I don’t know about that, at the speed Eon move he will be just the right age when they finally get around to making a movie.

    Mrs Connery: I suppose so.

    Baby: Ga Goo!

    Jason: No, no, son, you have to be in practice. What did I tell you was the right way to say that?

    (The baby stops crawling and sits up, pointing one hand over his shoulder with the forefinger extended.)

    Baby: Goo. Ga Goo.

    Jason: That’s my boy!

     

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,511Chief of Staff

    🤣 unfortunately parts of that could be true 😳🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff

    😑Yes, sadly.


    2006. Pinewood Studios.

     

    BB: Now, if you’d just come this way please, Daniel…?

    Craig: What is it? I thought we were all ready.

    BB: Ah, there’s just one more thing to do. The screen test.

    Craig: Screen test? Really?

    BB: Oh yes, really. You have to do the scene from “From Russia With Love” where James Bond starts to run a bath, then comes back to his bedroom to find Tatiana Romanova waiting expectantly in his bed. Look, here we have the bedroom set.

    Craig: Ah yes, I know that scene.

    BB: Good. Now, if you’d just take off your clothes and-

    Craig: (Startled, he wasn’t prepared for this.) Take off my clothes?

    BB: Oh yes. He’s about to go for a bath, you know.

    Craig: Well…

    BB: Here’s a towel, just wrap it round yourself.

    Craig: What, you want me to change into just that towel right here?

    BB: Oh, no, I, er…. er… I hadn’t thought about that. Just go into that changing room there then emerge onto the set as if you’ve just run a bath and go over to the bed.

    Craig: Well, okay.

    (He reluctantly goes into a small changing room, strips and wraps the towel around himself.)

    BB: Are you ready, Daniel?

    Craig: I suppose so.

    BB: Then… action!

    (Craig emerges onto the bedroom set, wearing nothing but the towel. In the dim light, he can see a shape under the bedclothes of the large bed with a mirror just next to it.)

    Tatiana: You look surprised. I thought you were expecting me.

    Craig: So you are Tatiana Romanova?

    Tatiana: My friends call me Tania.

    Craig: Mine call me James Bond. Well, now that we’ve been properly introduced…. Hey wait one moment! Where’s the director? Where’s the cameraman? Come to think of it, where’s the camera?

    BB: Oh Daniel, don’t worry about anything like that. Just-

    Craig: What? Barbara? You’re Tatiana Romanova?

    (He makes to get away.)

    BB: Are you disappointed? Is my mouth too big?

    Craig: It’s not your mouth I’m worried about!

    (He runs away.)

    BB: Daniel! Daniel!

    (He wakes up in his own bed, sweating profusely.)

    Craig: … Daniel! Daniel!...Oh hell- not again!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,153MI6 Agent

    I was under the impression the baby said “Goosh. Gash Goosh 😉

    Superb, as usual. And the one below.

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,511Chief of Staff

    That last one is an absolute masterpiece 🤣🤣🤣🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff

    Much appreciated, guys. I hope today's will be along shortly (no idea what it will be, yet).

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff
    edited April 7


    2024. Eon HQ, not disguised at all as a building in London. Inside a cupboard in the main meeting room (on the 007th floor, natch) an aged man with a beard crouches. He’s wearing headphones and whispering softly into a microphone.


    Man: (Scottish accent.) Hello, Agent 024, can you hear me?

    (Hidden underneath the desk in the office shared by BB and MGW, a tall man flicks a switch on his corresponding apparatus.)

    Agent 024: (Norwegian Accent.) I can hear you, Bar-

    Bondfan: Utter one more syllable and I’ll have you banned. It’s “Bondfan” here, remember?

    Agent 024: Oh come on, you don’t seriously think that’s fooling anyone, do you?

    Bondfan: Keep to the agreed codenames, Agent 024.

    Agent 024: “Agent 024”, now really? That’s supposed to be a codename, is it? Oh right, that’s going to be totally hard for anyone to-

    Bondfan: Never mind all that… again. Have you detected anything?

    Agent 024: No, I haven’t heard anything here for weeks. How about you?

    Bondfan: No, nothing happening here either.

    Agent 024: Have you heard from Agent… I can’t bring myself to say it… Agent Stormy Ladygardens?

    Bondfan: No, he seems to have disappeared- and that was his own choice of name so don’t blame me.

    Agent 024: And nothing from our man in the Philippines?

    Bondfan: Well, he did come over to London for a while but he got too busy doing a tour of used book shops so couldn’t bug all the offices in Eon HQ-

    Agent 024: -which is why we’re here now, hiding in cupboards and crouched under tables, yes I know.

    Bondfan: Look, remember it was your idea we did this so that we would be the first on the scene with any information about Bond27.

    Agent 024: You mean Bond26.

    Bondfan: Oh, is it? It’s been so long since they finished the last movie that I forget.

    Agent 024: Well, at your age it’s not surprising.

    Bondfan: Enough of that! Cheeky young whippersnapper!

    Agent 024: I’m only young standing next to you.

    Bondfan: So’s everybody, unfortunately.

    Agent 024: Look, Bar… er, Bondfan, I’ve been thinking-

    Bondfan: Good habit, glad to hear it.

    Agent 024: Enough of that! Grumpy old geezer!

    Bondfan: All right, all right, what have you been thinking?

    Agent 024: We’ve been hiding here for so long and all we’ve got are their holiday plans… lots of holiday plans.

    Bondfan:  Yes, that’s true.

    Agent 024: Well, maybe- just maybe, hear me out- they don’t have any plans for the next Bond film. Maybe, (Gulps at the thought.) maybe there just isn’t a next Bond film.

    Bondfan: (Horrified.) No next Bond film???!!!

    Agent 024: No next Bond film.

    Bondfan: But that… that would mean that the line at the end of the last… er, I mean, latest Bond film “James Bond Will Return” was a lie!

    Agent 024: That’s right.

    Bondfan: I’m shocked! Eon Productions would never lie to us, the dedicated long-term fans!

    Agent 024: That would be unimaginable.

    Bondfan: Unthinkable. You know, I think you’re wrong and we should continue in our hiding places waiting for information. After all, something’s bound to happen.

    Agent 024: Why not? We have all the time in-

    Bondfan: Don’t say it!!!! You know not to say that!!!!

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,511Chief of Staff

    🤣

    At the rate Eon are moving there really WILL be a skeleton in the cupboard 😳🤣

    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,153MI6 Agent

    Our Man Phil: Callng Bar…um Bondfan and Agent Dalawanpu-t apat, I am holed up in a beachside bar drinking Vesper’s due to the extreme heat here, don’t bother to try and contact me, I’m…um…rather busy.

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff
    edited April 8

    Yeah.... Busy..... 😛

    Edit- and what the hell is Dalawanpu-t apat?????

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff



    1971, WW Tectronics. Klaus Hergersheimer is in a small room, sitting on a hard seat with a harsh light glaring right into his face.

     

    Security Guard: Let’s just go over that again, shall we?

    Klaus: (In despair.) But I’ve told you everything I know!

    Guard: One more time. So you say you’d never seen this guy before?

    Klaus: Yes! I mean, no! I’d never seen him before!

    Guard: But you still let him through the door?

    Klaus: No, I didn’t… well, maybe I did but I didn’t know I was doing it!

    Guard: (Sarcastically.) You didn’t know you were doing it.

    Klaus: I had just put my card in and it looked exactly like he was doing the same straight after me.

     Guard: It only looked like he was putting his card in.

    Klaus: (Miserably.) Yes, it looked like it. I can see now that I was being fooled.

    Guard: You were definitely being fooled, Mr Her… Herg…

    Klaus: Hergersheimer.

    Guard: So you told him your name but he didn’t tell you his?

    Klaus: Well… no.

    Guard: And you didn’t enter Professor Metz’s lab pretending to check radiation shields, I suppose?

     

    Klaus: Yes, I did! Er… except that I wasn’t pretending! I’m in G Section, it’s my job to check radiation shields!

    Guard: You only went there once?

    Klaus: Yes, of course. I went in and said my name and what I was there for and everyone started staring at me and next thing I knew I was here answering your questions!

    Guard; What did this guy look like?

    Klaus: Look like?

    Guard: (Impatiently.) Yes, was he short, was he tall, was he young, was he old? You get the idea.

    Klaus: Oh, right. Well, he was a big fellow, bushy eyebrows, and some kind of black hat on his head.

    Guard: Black hat?

    Klaus: I don’t know, maybe he thought it looked like hair. From a distance, maybe, but I was right up next to him.

    Guard: Anything else?

    Klaus: He had some kind of accent, maybe Irish, and he shpoke like thish.

    Guard: Huh?

    Klaus: He asked how were thingsh in G Shection.

    Guard: Are you trying to be funny with me, Mr Hergersheimer? Because if you-

    Second Guard: Er, excuse me?

    Guard: Yes, what is it?

    Second Guard: The staff in Professor Metz’s lab also said that he shpoke, er, spoke like that.

    Guard: Oh, right. Anyway, you’ve been here a while, Mr Hergersheimer?

    Klaus: About three years.

    Guard: And where were you before that?

    Klaus: I was working for NASA in Hawaii.

     

    Guard: Maybe you should go back there- try and spot some UFOs...


  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,765MI6 Agent

    I told you our hiding-under-the-desk plan was secret!

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,511Chief of Staff

    Some kind of black hat 🤣🤣

    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,153MI6 Agent
    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff

    (Facepalm.) I should have realized that.

    Now, below is something rather unusual. After an exchange of PMs, I've reprinted Post 3046 above with some alterations....


    2024. Eon HQ, not disguised at all as a building in London. Inside a cupboard in the main meeting room (on the 007th floor, natch) an aged man with a beard crouches. He’s wearing headphones and whispering softly into a microphone.


    Man: (Scottish accent.) Hello, Agent 024, can you hear me?

    (Hidden underneath the desk in the office shared by BB and MGW, a tall man flicks a switch on his corresponding apparatus.)

    Agent 024: (Norwegian Accent.) I can hear you, Bar-

    Bondfan: Utter one more syllable and I’ll have you banned. It’s “Bondfan” here, remember?

    Agent 024: Oh come on, you don’t seriously think that’s fooling anyone, do you?

    Bondfan: Keep to the agreed codenames, Agent 024.

    Agent 024: “Agent 024”? That’s supposed to be a codename, is it? Oh right, that’s going to be really hard for anyone to-

    Bondfan: Never mind all that… again. Have you detected anything?

    Agent 024: No, I haven’t heard anything here for weeks. How about you?

    Bondfan: No, nothing happening here either.

    Agent 024: Have you heard from Agent… I can’t bring myself to say it… Agent Stormy Ladygardens?

    Bondfan: No, he seems to have disappeared- and that was his own choice of name so don’t blame me.

    Agent 024: Have you heard anything from Agent Gymkata?

    Bondfan: I could tell you, but then I'd have to shoot you. He's gone deep undercover.

    Agent 024: And how deep is that?

    Bondfan: He’s at the bottom of a canyon.

    Agent 024: Well, what about our man in the Philippines?

    Bondfan: Well, he did come over to London for a while but was, shall we say, caught up in events so couldn’t bug all the offices in Eon HQ-

    Agent 024: -which is why we’re here now, hiding in cupboards and crouched under tables, yes I know.

    Bondfan: Look, it was your idea we did this so we would be the first on the scene with any information about Bond27.

    Agent 024: You mean Bond26.

    Bondfan: Oh, is it? It’s been so long since they finished the last movie that I forget.

    Agent 024: Well, at your age it’s not surprising.

    Bondfan: Enough of that! Cheeky young whippersnapper!

    Agent 024: I’m only young standing next to you.

    Bondfan: So’s everybody, unfortunately.

    Agent 024: Look, Bar… er, Bondfan, I’ve been thinking-

    Bondfan: Good habit, glad to hear it.

    Agent 024: Enough of that! Grumpy old geezer!

    Bondfan: All right, all right, what have you been thinking?

    Agent 024: We’ve been hiding here for so long and all we’ve got are their holiday plans… lots of holiday plans.

    Bondfan:  Yes, that’s true.

    Agent 024: Well, maybe- just maybe, hear me out- they don’t have any plans for the next Bond film. Maybe, (Gulps at the thought.) maybe there just isn’t a next Bond film.

    Bondfan: (Horrified.) No next Bond film???!!!

    Agent 024: No next Bond film.

    Bondfan: But that… that would mean that the line at the end of the last… er, I mean, latest Bond film “James Bond Will Return” was a lie!

    Agent 024: That’s right.

    Bondfan: I’m shocked! Eon Productions would never lie to us, the dedicated long-term fans!

    Agent 024: That would be unimaginable.

    Bondfan: Unthinkable. You know, I think you’re wrong and we should continue in our hiding places waiting for information. After all, something’s bound to happen.

    Agent 024: Why not? We have all the time in-

    Bondfan: Don’t say it!!!! You know not to say that!!!!

     

  • HarryCanyonHarryCanyon Posts: 188MI6 Agent
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,765MI6 Agent

    Ai don't hæv a Nårvisijan aksent!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff
    edited April 8
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,765MI6 Agent

    Ai møst bi losing may ay sait!

    (I must be losing my eye sight!)

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,153MI6 Agent

    Ah, the penny drops at last 😂 welcome back @HarryCanyon You've been on holiday, I understand. Relaxing, I hope?

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,213Chief of Staff


    2024. Pinewood Studios, Costume Department. Two costumers in the Eon Section get bored with doing nothing.

     

    1st Costumer: This is ridiculous. Ol’Cubby never let things drag so long between making films.

    2nd Costumer: Let’s do something- fancy pulling out some of the old costumes and cleaning them up?

    1st Costumer: Oh, certainly- anything is better than this hanging around doing nothing until Madam decides it’s time to do something. (All right, I’ll stop that now. Barbel.)

    2nd Costumer: What’s down here….? Oh look, it’s a pair of ostrich feathers held together by strips of seal fur.

    1st Costumer: We should never have let Grace Jones decide on her own wardrobe. Here’s a pair of shoes.

    2nd Costumer: Hmm, let me see… Daniel Craig.

    1st Costumer: How do you know? Lots of guys take a size 9.

    2nd Costumer: Yes, but they don’t all have 2 inch lifts in their heels.

    1st Costumer: What’s this?

    2nd Costumer: It’s a little cardboard box, about the size of a cigarette packet. Too small to be of any practical use.

    1st Costumer: Oh, I remember now- these are the outfits for the girls hanging around the pool in “For Your Eyes Only”.

     

    2nd Costumer: And “The Living Daylights”, too.

    1st Costumer: Oh, did we use the same ones again?

    2nd Costumer: No, of course not- that holds two different sets.

    1st Costumer: Now, this here looks like a tent. Why on Earth would we have a tent here in the costume department?

    2nd Costumer: That’s not a tent, silly- that’s Richard Kiel’s shirt from “Moonraker”.

     1st Costumer: Right. And these boats?

    2nd Costumer: His shoes, obviously.

    1st Costumer: Of course.

    2nd Costumer: And here’s Donald Pleasence’s jacket from “You Only Live Twice”.

    1st Costumer: Yes, you can still see the scratches the poor cat made.

     

    2nd Costumer: I wonder whatever happened to that cat after it disappeared.

    1st Costumer: Oh, you didn’t hear?

    2nd Costumer: No, what?

    1st Costumer: They found it ten years later, very old and still very frightened, in the tanker set from “The Spy Who Loved Me”. It gave Curt Jurgens quite a fright when he found it in his sleeve!

    2nd Costumer: What’s this over here, then?

    1st Costumer: That’ll be Roger Moore’s safari suit.

    2nd Costumer: No, on top of it.

    1st Costumer: That’s his halo, of course. He had to hang it up and promise that he wouldn't use it when he signed up to be James Bond.

    2nd Costumer: Of course.

    1st Costumer: He still managed to sneak it in though....


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