1983. The household of Shane Rimmer. Shane is pacing up and down, never getting too far from the telephone.
Mrs Rimmer: Oh, sit down, Shane, please.
Shane: I can’t, I just can’t.
Mrs Rimmer: Look, if they want you they’ll phone, you know that.
Shane: They’ve got to want me, they’ve got to!
Mrs Rimmer: Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.
Shane: Coffee? How can I think of coffee at a time like this?
Mrs Rimmer: A time like this? What do you mean?
Shane: Look, it’s time for them to phone me again! I’ve been in four James Bond movies and it’s time to make it five!
Mrs Rimmer: You’ve only been in three.
Shane: No, listen-
(Mrs Rimmer settles down, having been through this many times before.)
Mrs Rimmer: Yes, Shane.
Shane: First I was in “You Only Live Twice”, remember?
Mrs Rimmer: Yes, of course I remember. Right at the start, you were one of the technicians on Earth when the bad space capsule swallows up the good one.
Shane: Right. And then I was in “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Mrs Rimmer: You got a name that time.
Shane: Yes, that’s right- I was called “Tom”. Might even have been the same guy I was in “You Only Live Twice”.
Mrs Rimmer: That’s true.
Shane: And then I was in “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Mrs Rimmer: Captain Carter.
Shane: Commander Carter. I even made it to the opening credits this time.
Mrs Rimmer: So, that’s three, like I said.
Shane: You’re forgetting “Live And Let Die”.
Mrs Rimmer: Darling, you weren’t in “Live And Let Die”.
Shane: (Proudly.) But my voice was! I dubbed the guy who got killed in New Orleans at the funeral at the start.
Shane: So that makes four! Now it’s been a few years so I reckon it’s time for them to phone me again.
Mrs Rimmer: Sugar, the next Bond film is set in India. I don’t see them having a part for you.
Shane: Aha! That’s where you’re wrong! There’s a part near the end set in an American Air Force camp in Germany- I could play the base commander.
Mrs Rimmer: I suppose so, but I still wish you’d sit down and I’ll make you coffee. I want you to relax.
Shane: Yes, of course, you’re right.
(Shane sits down reluctantly. His wife makes coffee for the two of them and hands him a cup, meaning that she is still standing on her feet when the telephone rings and she gets to it before he does.)
Mrs Rimmer: Hello? …. Who? ….. Yes, I see …. I see …. Hold on, I’ll ask him.
Shane: Is it another James Bond film? I’d just love to be in another James Bond film! Is it Cubby Broccoli?
Mrs Rimmer: Well, it is another James Bond film-
Shane: Great!
Mrs Rimmer: But it’s some guy called Kevin McClory and he wants to know if you could play a submarine commander in his Bond film called “Never Say Never Again”.
Shane: What? Tell him no! I meant a real James Bond film!
Yes, a fairly recent direction the thread has gone in, along with Director Interviews. As ever, the pacing-while-awaiting-a-phone-call (one of my favourites, in case that isn't obvious) continues, and I'm sure a Diary or two will be along soon.
I miss the Premieres and Publisher Meetings but both of those had gone as far as they could, I think. I'm going to see if I can find more of the Missing Scenes (or, as CHB calls them, scenes that must have happened but we don't get to see) soon.
There may be more later, who knows? But meanwhile, here's one from TND-
1997. Bangkok. James Bond and Wai Lin have just experienced a thrilling motorcycle chase through the streets, including bringing down a helicopter. They are now sharing a street shower, still handcuffed together.
Wai Lin: Thanks for washing my hair. (She has been working on their handcuffs with one of her earrings, and now demonstrates that she is free while Bond is cuffed to the rather frail-looking waterpipe.) I work alone.
(She makes to leave but Bond easily and quickly snaps the waterpipe and grabs her by the upper arm.)
Bond: Just wait one minute here!
Wai Lin: (Wriggling.) Let go of me!
Bond: No way. You have been wearing those earrings since we met underwater at the HMSDevonshire.
Wai Lin: Yes, I know.
Bond: You were wearing them when we came up to the boat only to find Stamper had taken over, and he handcuffed us there, yes?
Wai Lin: Yes, I was, but-
Bond: And you were wearing them when we were handcuffed together in the helicopter?
Wai Lin: Well, yes-
Bond: So you were wearing them when we were brought through Carver’s building- or perhaps I should say his edifice- weren’t you?
Wai Lin: Yes, you know I was but-
Bond: And obviously you were wearing them when we were brought in front of Carver and he was making all those threats?
Wai Lin: James, I-
Bond: And when we escaped down the front of the building by hanging onto his picture?
And then we ran through the building to the ground floor? And then jumped on a motorbike which was bloody awkward to drive with us being handcuffed together while Carver’s minions were chasing us?
Wai Lin: Look, I-
Bond: And you wait till this time to pick the lock!!!! When we've already got away!!! You couldn’t maybe, just maybe, have chosen to pick the lock any of those many other times I have just mentioned????
Wai Lin: Maybe you’re right. But there’s one thing I know about you.
Bond: Oh? What’s that?
(She quickly grabs the hem of her T-shirt and pulls it up. Bond’s eyes goggle long enough for her to make her getaway.)
1965. Shrublands (a health clinic conveniently located near the NATO air base). Its head, Dr Wain, is calling his insurers.
Dr Wain: ….Yes, I see. Well, if you’ll allow me I’ll go over it one more time.
Insurer: Please, that would be most useful.
Dr Wain: It’s a traction table, a motorised traction table for stretching the spine.
Insurer: Stretching the spine? Sound like a rack to me!
Dr Wain: Yes, some of our patients do call it that, but in normal practice it’s perfectly safe.
Insurer: And what would you call “normal practice”?
Dr Wain: Using it within the correct limits for safety.
Insurer: And your therapist set it within these limits?
Dr Wain: Hmmm… I think so.
Insurer: You think so?
Dr Wain: All I’ve been able to get out of Miss Fearing for the last couple of days has been a dreamy look and her asking for the phone number of the patient concerned, which is of course not allowed.
Insurer: Hmm, I’m afraid that won’t be enough to get you sufficient compensation for a new machine.
Dr Wain: (Angrily.) What do I pay you people for? Do you call this service???
Insurer: Hey now, no need to get hot under the collar!
Dr Wain: Ah, speaking of which, I have to ask you about the Turkish bath as well…
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,633Chief of Staff
Hello. You all know me as Barbel, and I admit responsibility both for instigating this light-hearted thread and being the main contributor.
Regular viewers of the thread will be aware that I may possibly have, just a few times, been what might be regarded as critical of Eon Productions both collectively and through naming the owners, a Mr M.G. Wilson and a Miss B. Broccoli, these criticisms being directed almost exclusively towards the ridiculo- er, lengthy amount of time taken between production and consequent release of James Bond films.
It is also possible that I may perhaps have occasionally compared the speed or rate with which they might be seen to be moving towards making such films to that of the well-known arboreal mammal from South America, the sloth. These very occasional comparisons may be found on page 49. And page 51. And page 63. And pages 72-79, excepting page 76. And page 83. And page 84. And page 85.
I would therefore like to take this opportunity to… er, and pages 91-94. Now where was I? Oh yes, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize sincerely to the various species and sub-species of sloth for any offence that they may have taken by such comparison.
And page 96.
Pre-emptively, I would also like to apologize to the many types of tortoises and snails for any comparisons to the rate with which Eon are currently producing James Bond films which I may make in the future.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,633Chief of Staff
MONDAY- Our most recent shipment of rocket fuel has arrived. Now all we have to do is wait for the Americans to carry out their latest launch into space. Our security helicopters have all been checked, after that recent fault. I don’t know how I get anything done, being surrounded by frigging idiots.
TUESDAY- Superb news! James Bond has been killed. It was in all the newspapers.
Apparently he died in Hong Kong, in a hotel. Now I can proceed with my plans unhindered by that confounded nuisance. Now, where did I put that cat…?
WEDNESDAY- Terrible news! James Bond has not been killed. It would appear that a visitor to the office of Osato Chemicals was carrying a Walther PPK and only one person we know uses a Walther PPK: James Bond.
Mr Osato had given the strictest orders to eliminate him to Number 11. She failed; my piranha fish needed a meal, anyway. I ordered Osato to kill Bond. Now.
THURSDAY- Glorious news! James Bond has been killed. Mr Osato arranged for an agent of his to drip poison down a string into Bond’s mouth while he lay asleep with some Japanese agent either posing as his wife or hoping to be.
The agent did not return but I shall just assume it all went according to plan.
FRIDAY- Appalling news! James Bond has not been killed. I found this out myself, when a man posing as an astronaut made to enter a capsule while carrying his air conditioner, which no astronaut would do. I was very surprised when this turned out to be James Bond, apparently in his second life.
I just have time to scribble this diary entry before dealing with him, outer space, and the world!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,633Chief of Staff
The Diary of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, aged 62 & 3/4 🤣
This one made me chuckle (as do all the others!) I met Shane Rimmer at a film and comic con a year or so before his passing and asked him to autograph my DAF souvenir guide on the page which presented the film's cast list (matched to the onscreen list; thus, no Tom). I pointed out that this was in the days before films did full cast lists. Duly autographing the page, he just smiled and rolled his eyes.
Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
Thank you, gentlemen, and that was a lovely story, Shady.
2015. Editing suite. Director Sam Mendes and Editor Lee Smith are putting the final touches to their movie, “Spectre”.
Sam: … right, so we’ve sorted out that business of the front of the plane getting all bashed in as it hits the car, then being all right again a moment later?
Lee: Er….
Sam: How about how one of the plane’s wheels comes off in one shot then is back again in the next one?
Lee: Er… wheels you say?
Sam: All right, then we’ve fixed the part where the light from the sun changes angle behind Monica Bellucci during the funeral.
Lee: Er… no.
Sam: Well, tell me you’ve added a number plate to Bond’s Aston Martin since he could hardly have taken from London to Rome without one?
Lee: Er… not as such.
Sam: Look, surely you‘ve managed to fix how the other passengers in the dining car on the train suddenly disappear as Bond fights Hinx?
Lee: Um…
Sam: Then tell me you’ve remembered to put airbags in M’s car when it gets crashed into by Blofeld’s henchmen.
Lee: Ah….
Sam: Well at least tell me that you’ve managed to find a filter the colour of three-day old piss???!!!
Lee: Oh yeah, that we’ve managed.
Sam: Great! Let’s print it!
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,633Chief of Staff
1977. Eon HQ, inside the best hotel in Miami. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are interviewing potential writers.
Cubby: (On intercom.) Send the next one in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, sir.
(The door opens and a bearded man with glasses enters.)
Cubby: Good morning, please take a seat.
Stephen: Thank you. (Sits.)
Cubby: Now, as you know, Mr King, we are looking for input from many potential writers for our next James Bond film “The Spy Who Loved Me” owing to Ian Fleming’s wish that we only use the title of his novel.
Stephen: Yes, I understand.
MGW: So we’ve been looking through your script synopsis and we have one or two points we’d like to discuss with you.
Stephen: Yes?
Cubby: Firstly, we like the name you have come up with for the main villain, Pennywise.
Stephen: Ah, good.
MGW: However, we’re not convinced that his lair should be in a sewer. We like our villains to have elaborate, modern lairs with lots of henchmen and hi-tech.
Stephen: Hmmm.
Cubby: And yes, you’re right- James Bond does spend a lot of time in hotels.
Stephen: Yes, I’ve noticed that.
MGW: These are modern, expensive hotels however, not dark and haunted ones.
Stephen: But-
Cubby: And our leading ladies have extravagant and often suggestive names such as Pussy Galore or Plenty O’Toole. “Carrie” we thought was a bit dull.
Stephen: (Surprised.) Carrie is dull? But she can-
MGW: -move things with her mind, we noticed. Our type of Bond girl makes Bond move, and not with her mind if you understand me.
Stephen: Well, yes, I understand. But I’ve written in a part especially for Raquel Welch and she most certainly fits that description.
Cubby: Well to be exact, Mr King, you have written in a part for a poster of Raquel Welch, which is not quite the same thing.
Stephen: Ah yes, but it is plot relevant.
MGW: Only if Bond is sentenced to a long, long term in prison and that isn’t our plan for this movie.
Cubby: Now his car has many, many things in it- machine guns, ejector seat, you get the idea- but not a ghost.
Stephen: Aw, I like that idea.
MGW: And we’re sure you will find a use for it.
Also our movies usually average something around two hours in length, and you have given us (He holds up a mass of closely typed pages about the size of two telephone directories.) something approaching twelve.
Stephen: Too much?
Cubby: Of course it’s too much! Now, just go back to your haunted hotel and we’ll call you if we need you.
Stephen: All right.
MGW: And no time travel, vampires or werewolves!
Stephen: Aw…
(He heads out the door, massaging his temples. The desk behind which Cubby and Michael are seated begins to burst into flames…)
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,633Chief of Staff
Thanks! This is from an idea by Bride Of Barbel, and the Hull reference is dedicated to @Thunderpussy (see, TP, I remember you talking about it!).
2024. Eon HQ, in a stud farm in Kentucky. Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli are examining an invoice.
MGW: How much??? Am I reading that right????
BB: Yes, I’m afraid so.
MGW: He can’t be serious.
BB: Well, there’s only one way to find out. (She presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the head location scout, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Right away, Miss Broccoli.
(The door opens and a well-tanned man enters.)
Scout: You sent for me, Miss Broccoli?
BB: Yes, I most certainly did. Sit down there.
(The scout examines the seat carefully before sitting down- he is familiar with seats in James Bond films.)
MGW: We have just been reading your invoice.
Scout: Yes, I sent it in nice and early, well before the end of March. I didn’t want to-
BB: Yes, yes. It isn’t the date that we want to talk to you about.
Scout: Oh? What is it?
MGW: What do you think it is? You’ve given us an expenses bill greater than that of all the British Members Of Parliament combined- and that is a feat in itself!
Scout: Well, I did have to go to one or two places, you know.
BB: One or two??? Look at this, (She waves the invoice around vaguely.) you went to Venice three times- three times!!!
Scout: Venice is very nice, there are a lot of possibilities for a film to be shot there.
MGW: Oh, we know- that is why Bond has been to Venice so often!
BB: We’re not planning on going back there again in the foreseeable future.
Scout: Oh. That’s a shame, it’s beautiful there.
MGW: Not like Hull, then?
Scout: No, Hull is very boring.
BB: Then why do you have it listed there four times in the past year???!!!
Scout: Ah, I have family there.
MGW: I am very sure you can manage to see them in your own time, and if this sort of behaviour doesn’t stop you’re going to have a lot more of that in the future.
Scout: Ah.
BB: Now, Australia?
Scout: We have to check it out, Bond has never been to Australia.
MGW: Look, if we haven’t gone there in 60+ years we aren’t going to start now.
Scout: Okay, I see.
BB: You do know that we aren’t making a Bond film at the moment, don’t you?
Scout: Best to be prepared, I always say.
MGW: What on Earth makes you think that we should be prepared to film in London?
Scout: We always go to London!
BB: Not always.
Scout: Damn near it. Just like Italy.
MGW: Yes, I see you’ve been there quite a few times.
Scout: Just like James Bond in the last several movies.
BB: I suppose your wife and kids liked it?
Scout: Oh yes, they…. Ah.
MGW: Press the button, Barbara.
BB: With pleasure.
(She presses a button on the desk and the chair shoots through an opening that has appeared above them. There’s a scream that grows fainter as the ex-scout flies away.)
MGW: Just because we’ve used something before has never stopped us from using it again.
We all know Roger Moore was considered for the part of James Bond way back at the beginning of the film series. Suppose he actually won the role? Based on his later films, I was thinking....
1962. M’s office. He is talking to a newly arrived James Bond.
M: Does toppling mean anything to you, 007?
Bond: A little. It’s throwing the gyroscopic controls of a guided missile off balance with a radio beam.
M: Yes, that’s right.
Bond: These controls are generally classified broadly into three different systems- active, semi-active, and passive. In the active variant, each missile carries the equipment needed to illuminate the target and-
M: Thank you, 007. Now-
Bond: If you look here, sir-
(He pulls down a previously unseen wallchart.)
Bond: It can be seen that the flight path of such a missile is normally-
M: Look, Bond, I-
Bond: -in the shape of a parabola. To interfere successfully with the flight path, the toppling should begin before the missile reaches the apex of the parabola and-
M: Bond, be quiet.
Bond: -in the case of a semi-active system, the-
M: Shut up!
Bond: - guidance can be affected by-
(M produces a small calibre pistol from his desk drawer and shoots Bond three times, with devastating accuracy. Bond falls to the floor. M sighs heavily then presses a button on the intercom in front of him.)
M: (On intercom.) Miss Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Yes, sir?
M: Cancel the armourer. Find 006 for me instead, please.
Moneypenny: Yes, sir. Will there be anything else?
MONDAY- First day of shooting on what has been my dream for so long. Finally I’m James Bond! And I’m driving IT- the Aston Martin DB5 I watched Sean Connery drive all those years ago, in “Goldfinger”. I think I managed to not show my excitement although Martin Campbell, the director, got rather annoyed at having to do three takes because I kept pressing the ejector seat button. I must say Serena Gordon was quite a sport and said she hadn’t been hurt at all.
TUESDAY- A casino scene today. I was wearing the full get-up (tuxedo, bow tie, you name it) and I got to say THE line. Martin was very impressed that I did it right first time. I told him I had been practicing for thirty years so he shouldn’t be surprised at all. He was surprised, though, when I then gave him the option of me doing it in Scottish, Australian, English, or Welsh styles. He said no, my first take was just fine.
WEDNESDAY- I’m afraid I may possibly have embarrassed myself today. We were doing the Q scene, where he gives me a car and gadgets, and I was a total fanboy to meet Desmond Llewelyn. He took it well as I gushed all over him but I kept getting my lines wrong because I couldn’t stop saying ”it’s YOU!!!”, “it’s really you” and similar. Martin eventually had to have my lines written on big cards. Desmond already had those, the crew call them “Q cards”, but he’s twice my age so at least he has an excuse.
THURSDAY- Another embarrassing day. After yesterday I was determined not to be impressed when Dame Judi Dench and I came face to face- well, face to navel really but you get what I mean. I was talking with Martin about how I wasn’t going to be impressed by “the evil queen of Oscars” when he suddenly made a cringing face and I realised she was right behind me. I tried to apologise but she just said that if she wanted sarcasm she would speak to her children.
FRIDAY- Our producers Michael and Barbara were on set today. They have been really friendly, and I am so glad to have them on my side. I think we will be friends forever- there’s no way that they would stab me in the back like those “Remington Steele” guys did.
1977. Eon HQ. inside a diamond mine in South Africa. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are interviewing potential writers and directors for “The Spy Who Loved Me”. One is seated in front of them right now….
Cubby: …so, thanks for coming in to see us, Mr Brooks, and we’ve read your, er, very interesting script.
Mel: Sure you have. Whaddya think?
MGW: Well, it’s difficult to know where to begin. I believe you said you wanted to direct the film as well?
Mel: That’s right.
Cubby: We’ve never had someone write and direct a James Bond film before. I’m not convinced it’s a good idea. Now, we’re concerned at some aspects of your proposal. For example, you have suggested that you play both M and Blofeld.
Mel: I like to play more than one part in my movies!
MGW: We’re not against that per se, but really we don’t like that Blofeld is backed up by twelve dancing Hitlers.
Mel: Too Jewish?
Cubby: Hardly, and no you can’t shoot the film in black and white.
Mel: But-
MGW: Or as a silent movie.
Mel: Hey, now-
Cubby: How on earth can we have the lines such as “My name’s Bond. James Bond” in a silent movie?
Mel: Yeah, well, okay.
MGW: If we shot the film your way it would be sure to bomb at the box office.
Mel: You think so? I can find a way round that.
Cubby: And there’s certain parts of the language you’ve employed here that we cannot and will not be using under any circumstances.
Mel: Oh, you mean n-
MGW: (Quickly.) You know perfectly well what we mean. And for God’s sake, you can’t have M, Q, Miss Moneypenny, and James Bond all sitting talking while farting loudly.
Mel: That would work!
Cubby: It most certainly would not.
Mel: That’s a shame.
Cubby: And you definitely can’t have Gene Wilder playing Bond!
2017. The household of Aidan Turner. The telephone rings.
Aidan: Hello?
Agent: Aidan, my boy, how are you?
Aidan: Fine, fine.
Agent: Have I got news for you!
Aidan: (Trying not to get his hopes up.) Oh, you have news, then?
Agent: Of course! Great news!
Aidan: That’s what you said when you put me in “The Secret Scripture”.
Agent: I didn’t see that one.
Aidan: Nor did anyone else, that’s the problem.
Agent: But look, you’ll be seen by millions in this next one.
Aidan: For sure?
Agent: For sure! You are gonna look great, you are gonna wear fantastic clothes…
Aidan: (Unconsciously adopting the Bond pose.) You mean it?
Agent: Of course I mean it!
Aidan: You mean- you mean she called?
Agent: She? Who called?
Aidan: Barbara Broccoli, of course! She got fed up waiting for Daniel Craig to make up his mind and decided to go for a younger, not to say cheaper, man!!!!
Agent: Barbara Broccoli? No, of course not!
Aidan: But you said-
Agent: I said you’d be wearing fantastic clothes and be seen by millions. You’re going to do advertisements for Dunhill.
Aidan: Oh…. I’m not sure about that…
Agent: Well, I could always call Henry Cavill’s agent and see if-
Aidan: Okay, okay, I’ll do it!
Agent: That’s great, Aidan, I thought you’d agree. Just one more thing, though…
Aidan: And what’s that?
Agent: No dressing up as you-know-who, in a tux and bow tie, like you did in that Agatha Christie thing, just in case she's watching.
Aidan: Wouldn’t dream of it….
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,633Chief of Staff
It's based on Mel's experiences working on a TV show in the 50s (I want to say the Sid Caesar show, but am not sure) when he had the unenviable task of keeping Errol Flynn sober and out of trouble long enough to appear on said show. Very enjoyable!
This is for @caractacus potts who suggested it and supplied some of the material.
1977. Eon HQ, deep inside Buckingham Palace. Cubby and MGW are interviewing potential writers and directors for "The Spy Who Loved Me".
MGW: We’re not having much luck so far, Cubby.
Cubby: No worries, we’ll get one sooner or later.
MGW: Let’s hope so.
Cubby: Who’s this next one, then?
MGW: It’s… (Examines a list.) John Landis.
Cubby: Let’s get him in, then.
MGW: (Presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the next one, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, Mr Wilson.
(The door opens and a bearded man with glasses enters.)
Cubby: Have a seat, please.
John: Thank you. (Sits.)
MGW: Now, Mr Landis, we’ve had a good look through the synopsis which you sent in.
John: Oh, yes?
Cubby: And we have some thoughts we’d like to discuss with you. Firstly, the car chase.
John: That’s good, I like car chases.
MGW: Yes, but Bond’s Lotus is only pursued by one sedan, one motorcycle, and one helicopter- not the entire Chicago police force!
John: But I-
Cubby: And they’re in Corsica, anyway.
MGW: Actually, Dad, they’re in Sardinia.
Cubby: Whatever. No Chicago police force!!!
John: (Glumly.) All right.
Cubby: And I don’t remember telling you to include Felix Leiter in this script.
John: I just thought-
MGW: And for heaven’s sake why kill him early on and then have him keep returning, each time in a worse state of decomposition?
John: Well, he’s offering a commentary on Bond’s progress.
Cubby: Not going to happen. And you can forget about killing off Felix- he’s one of our staple and beloved characters so he stays alive. Right, Michael?
MGW: (Busy scribbling in a notebook.) Er, right. Sure, Cubby, whatever you say.
Cubby: Now, next- we have an indestructible henchman. He’s huge, he’s got metal teeth, there’s no way Bond can beat him. Part of the fun for our audience is wondering just how Bond is going to get the better of this giant, you understand?
John: Yes, like with Oddjob back in “Goldfinger”.
Cubby: That’s right. Now what in the world, what in the entire known universe, made you think Bond is going to escape him by spitting a mouthful of mashed potatoes in his face?
John: Well, it’s original.
MGW: We’re not in some sort of animal house here!
John: I’ll take it out, then.
Cubby: And one more thing- take out the part where Bond turns into a zombie when he kisses Agent XXX!
Comments
Another from the What Really Happened files 🤣
1983. The household of Shane Rimmer. Shane is pacing up and down, never getting too far from the telephone.
Mrs Rimmer: Oh, sit down, Shane, please.
Shane: I can’t, I just can’t.
Mrs Rimmer: Look, if they want you they’ll phone, you know that.
Shane: They’ve got to want me, they’ve got to!
Mrs Rimmer: Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.
Shane: Coffee? How can I think of coffee at a time like this?
Mrs Rimmer: A time like this? What do you mean?
Shane: Look, it’s time for them to phone me again! I’ve been in four James Bond movies and it’s time to make it five!
Mrs Rimmer: You’ve only been in three.
Shane: No, listen-
(Mrs Rimmer settles down, having been through this many times before.)
Mrs Rimmer: Yes, Shane.
Shane: First I was in “You Only Live Twice”, remember?
Mrs Rimmer: Yes, of course I remember. Right at the start, you were one of the technicians on Earth when the bad space capsule swallows up the good one.
Shane: Right. And then I was in “Diamonds Are Forever”.
Mrs Rimmer: You got a name that time.
Shane: Yes, that’s right- I was called “Tom”. Might even have been the same guy I was in “You Only Live Twice”.
Mrs Rimmer: That’s true.
Shane: And then I was in “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Mrs Rimmer: Captain Carter.
Shane: Commander Carter. I even made it to the opening credits this time.
Mrs Rimmer: So, that’s three, like I said.
Shane: You’re forgetting “Live And Let Die”.
Mrs Rimmer: Darling, you weren’t in “Live And Let Die”.
Shane: (Proudly.) But my voice was! I dubbed the guy who got killed in New Orleans at the funeral at the start.
Shane: So that makes four! Now it’s been a few years so I reckon it’s time for them to phone me again.
Mrs Rimmer: Sugar, the next Bond film is set in India. I don’t see them having a part for you.
Shane: Aha! That’s where you’re wrong! There’s a part near the end set in an American Air Force camp in Germany- I could play the base commander.
Mrs Rimmer: I suppose so, but I still wish you’d sit down and I’ll make you coffee. I want you to relax.
Shane: Yes, of course, you’re right.
(Shane sits down reluctantly. His wife makes coffee for the two of them and hands him a cup, meaning that she is still standing on her feet when the telephone rings and she gets to it before he does.)
Mrs Rimmer: Hello? …. Who? ….. Yes, I see …. I see …. Hold on, I’ll ask him.
Shane: Is it another James Bond film? I’d just love to be in another James Bond film! Is it Cubby Broccoli?
Mrs Rimmer: Well, it is another James Bond film-
Shane: Great!
Mrs Rimmer: But it’s some guy called Kevin McClory and he wants to know if you could play a submarine commander in his Bond film called “Never Say Never Again”.
Shane: What? Tell him no! I meant a real James Bond film!
Yes, a fairly recent direction the thread has gone in, along with Director Interviews. As ever, the pacing-while-awaiting-a-phone-call (one of my favourites, in case that isn't obvious) continues, and I'm sure a Diary or two will be along soon.
I miss the Premieres and Publisher Meetings but both of those had gone as far as they could, I think. I'm going to see if I can find more of the Missing Scenes (or, as CHB calls them, scenes that must have happened but we don't get to see) soon.
Finally, the legendary missing scene from FYEO!
There may be more later, who knows? But meanwhile, here's one from TND-
1997. Bangkok. James Bond and Wai Lin have just experienced a thrilling motorcycle chase through the streets, including bringing down a helicopter. They are now sharing a street shower, still handcuffed together.
Wai Lin: Thanks for washing my hair. (She has been working on their handcuffs with one of her earrings, and now demonstrates that she is free while Bond is cuffed to the rather frail-looking waterpipe.) I work alone.
(She makes to leave but Bond easily and quickly snaps the waterpipe and grabs her by the upper arm.)
Bond: Just wait one minute here!
Wai Lin: (Wriggling.) Let go of me!
Bond: No way. You have been wearing those earrings since we met underwater at the HMS Devonshire.
Wai Lin: Yes, I know.
Bond: You were wearing them when we came up to the boat only to find Stamper had taken over, and he handcuffed us there, yes?
Wai Lin: Yes, I was, but-
Bond: And you were wearing them when we were handcuffed together in the helicopter?
Wai Lin: Well, yes-
Bond: So you were wearing them when we were brought through Carver’s building- or perhaps I should say his edifice- weren’t you?
Wai Lin: Yes, you know I was but-
Bond: And obviously you were wearing them when we were brought in front of Carver and he was making all those threats?
Wai Lin: James, I-
Bond: And when we escaped down the front of the building by hanging onto his picture?
And then we ran through the building to the ground floor? And then jumped on a motorbike which was bloody awkward to drive with us being handcuffed together while Carver’s minions were chasing us?
Wai Lin: Look, I-
Bond: And you wait till this time to pick the lock!!!! When we've already got away!!! You couldn’t maybe, just maybe, have chosen to pick the lock any of those many other times I have just mentioned????
Wai Lin: Maybe you’re right. But there’s one thing I know about you.
Bond: Oh? What’s that?
(She quickly grabs the hem of her T-shirt and pulls it up. Bond’s eyes goggle long enough for her to make her getaway.)
1965. Shrublands (a health clinic conveniently located near the NATO air base). Its head, Dr Wain, is calling his insurers.
Dr Wain: ….Yes, I see. Well, if you’ll allow me I’ll go over it one more time.
Insurer: Please, that would be most useful.
Dr Wain: It’s a traction table, a motorised traction table for stretching the spine.
Insurer: Stretching the spine? Sound like a rack to me!
Dr Wain: Yes, some of our patients do call it that, but in normal practice it’s perfectly safe.
Insurer: And what would you call “normal practice”?
Dr Wain: Using it within the correct limits for safety.
Insurer: And your therapist set it within these limits?
Dr Wain: Hmmm… I think so.
Insurer: You think so?
Dr Wain: All I’ve been able to get out of Miss Fearing for the last couple of days has been a dreamy look and her asking for the phone number of the patient concerned, which is of course not allowed.
Insurer: Hmm, I’m afraid that won’t be enough to get you sufficient compensation for a new machine.
Dr Wain: (Angrily.) What do I pay you people for? Do you call this service???
Insurer: Hey now, no need to get hot under the collar!
Dr Wain: Ah, speaking of which, I have to ask you about the Turkish bath as well…
🤣
No doubt a new mink glove will be needed too 😳🤣
I believe there was a deposit on it, but that will come out in the wash
Hello. You all know me as Barbel, and I admit responsibility both for instigating this light-hearted thread and being the main contributor.
Regular viewers of the thread will be aware that I may possibly have, just a few times, been what might be regarded as critical of Eon Productions both collectively and through naming the owners, a Mr M.G. Wilson and a Miss B. Broccoli, these criticisms being directed almost exclusively towards the
ridiculo- er, lengthy amount of time taken between production and consequent release of James Bond films.It is also possible that I may perhaps have occasionally compared the speed or rate with which they might be seen to be moving towards making such films to that of the well-known arboreal mammal from South America, the sloth. These very occasional comparisons may be found on page 49. And page 51. And page 63. And pages 72-79, excepting page 76. And page 83. And page 84. And page 85.
I would therefore like to take this opportunity to… er, and pages 91-94. Now where was I? Oh yes, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize sincerely to the various species and sub-species of sloth for any offence that they may have taken by such comparison.
And page 96.
Pre-emptively, I would also like to apologize to the many types of tortoises and snails for any comparisons to the rate with which Eon are currently producing James Bond films which I may make in the future.
🤣
THE DIARY OF ERNST STAVRO BLOFELD
1967, Japan.
MONDAY- Our most recent shipment of rocket fuel has arrived. Now all we have to do is wait for the Americans to carry out their latest launch into space. Our security helicopters have all been checked, after that recent fault. I don’t know how I get anything done, being surrounded by frigging idiots.
TUESDAY- Superb news! James Bond has been killed. It was in all the newspapers.
Apparently he died in Hong Kong, in a hotel. Now I can proceed with my plans unhindered by that confounded nuisance. Now, where did I put that cat…?
WEDNESDAY- Terrible news! James Bond has not been killed. It would appear that a visitor to the office of Osato Chemicals was carrying a Walther PPK and only one person we know uses a Walther PPK: James Bond.
Mr Osato had given the strictest orders to eliminate him to Number 11. She failed; my piranha fish needed a meal, anyway. I ordered Osato to kill Bond. Now.
THURSDAY- Glorious news! James Bond has been killed. Mr Osato arranged for an agent of his to drip poison down a string into Bond’s mouth while he lay asleep with some Japanese agent either posing as his wife or hoping to be.
The agent did not return but I shall just assume it all went according to plan.
FRIDAY- Appalling news! James Bond has not been killed. I found this out myself, when a man posing as an astronaut made to enter a capsule while carrying his air conditioner, which no astronaut would do. I was very surprised when this turned out to be James Bond, apparently in his second life.
I just have time to scribble this diary entry before dealing with him, outer space, and the world!
The Diary of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, aged 62 & 3/4 🤣
As good as ever @Barbel I really don’t know how you do it!
This one made me chuckle (as do all the others!) I met Shane Rimmer at a film and comic con a year or so before his passing and asked him to autograph my DAF souvenir guide on the page which presented the film's cast list (matched to the onscreen list; thus, no Tom). I pointed out that this was in the days before films did full cast lists. Duly autographing the page, he just smiled and rolled his eyes.
Thank you, gentlemen, and that was a lovely story, Shady.
2015. Editing suite. Director Sam Mendes and Editor Lee Smith are putting the final touches to their movie, “Spectre”.
Sam: … right, so we’ve sorted out that business of the front of the plane getting all bashed in as it hits the car, then being all right again a moment later?
Lee: Er….
Sam: How about how one of the plane’s wheels comes off in one shot then is back again in the next one?
Lee: Er… wheels you say?
Sam: All right, then we’ve fixed the part where the light from the sun changes angle behind Monica Bellucci during the funeral.
Lee: Er… no.
Sam: Well, tell me you’ve added a number plate to Bond’s Aston Martin since he could hardly have taken from London to Rome without one?
Lee: Er… not as such.
Sam: Look, surely you‘ve managed to fix how the other passengers in the dining car on the train suddenly disappear as Bond fights Hinx?
Lee: Um…
Sam: Then tell me you’ve remembered to put airbags in M’s car when it gets crashed into by Blofeld’s henchmen.
Lee: Ah….
Sam: Well at least tell me that you’ve managed to find a filter the colour of three-day old piss???!!!
Lee: Oh yeah, that we’ve managed.
Sam: Great! Let’s print it!
High quality as usual 👏🏻🤣
Many thanks, Sir M.
1977. Eon HQ, inside the best hotel in Miami. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are interviewing potential writers.
Cubby: (On intercom.) Send the next one in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, sir.
(The door opens and a bearded man with glasses enters.)
Cubby: Good morning, please take a seat.
Stephen: Thank you. (Sits.)
Cubby: Now, as you know, Mr King, we are looking for input from many potential writers for our next James Bond film “The Spy Who Loved Me” owing to Ian Fleming’s wish that we only use the title of his novel.
Stephen: Yes, I understand.
MGW: So we’ve been looking through your script synopsis and we have one or two points we’d like to discuss with you.
Stephen: Yes?
Cubby: Firstly, we like the name you have come up with for the main villain, Pennywise.
Stephen: Ah, good.
MGW: However, we’re not convinced that his lair should be in a sewer. We like our villains to have elaborate, modern lairs with lots of henchmen and hi-tech.
Stephen: Hmmm.
Cubby: And yes, you’re right- James Bond does spend a lot of time in hotels.
Stephen: Yes, I’ve noticed that.
MGW: These are modern, expensive hotels however, not dark and haunted ones.
Stephen: But-
Cubby: And our leading ladies have extravagant and often suggestive names such as Pussy Galore or Plenty O’Toole. “Carrie” we thought was a bit dull.
Stephen: (Surprised.) Carrie is dull? But she can-
MGW: -move things with her mind, we noticed. Our type of Bond girl makes Bond move, and not with her mind if you understand me.
Stephen: Well, yes, I understand. But I’ve written in a part especially for Raquel Welch and she most certainly fits that description.
Cubby: Well to be exact, Mr King, you have written in a part for a poster of Raquel Welch, which is not quite the same thing.
Stephen: Ah yes, but it is plot relevant.
MGW: Only if Bond is sentenced to a long, long term in prison and that isn’t our plan for this movie.
Cubby: Now his car has many, many things in it- machine guns, ejector seat, you get the idea- but not a ghost.
Stephen: Aw, I like that idea.
MGW: And we’re sure you will find a use for it.
Also our movies usually average something around two hours in length, and you have given us (He holds up a mass of closely typed pages about the size of two telephone directories.) something approaching twelve.
Stephen: Too much?
Cubby: Of course it’s too much! Now, just go back to your haunted hotel and we’ll call you if we need you.
Stephen: All right.
MGW: And no time travel, vampires or werewolves!
Stephen: Aw…
(He heads out the door, massaging his temples. The desk behind which Cubby and Michael are seated begins to burst into flames…)
Very clever 👏🏻🤣
Thanks! This is from an idea by Bride Of Barbel, and the Hull reference is dedicated to @Thunderpussy (see, TP, I remember you talking about it!).
2024. Eon HQ, in a stud farm in Kentucky. Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli are examining an invoice.
MGW: How much??? Am I reading that right????
BB: Yes, I’m afraid so.
MGW: He can’t be serious.
BB: Well, there’s only one way to find out. (She presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the head location scout, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Right away, Miss Broccoli.
(The door opens and a well-tanned man enters.)
Scout: You sent for me, Miss Broccoli?
BB: Yes, I most certainly did. Sit down there.
(The scout examines the seat carefully before sitting down- he is familiar with seats in James Bond films.)
MGW: We have just been reading your invoice.
Scout: Yes, I sent it in nice and early, well before the end of March. I didn’t want to-
BB: Yes, yes. It isn’t the date that we want to talk to you about.
Scout: Oh? What is it?
MGW: What do you think it is? You’ve given us an expenses bill greater than that of all the British Members Of Parliament combined- and that is a feat in itself!
Scout: Well, I did have to go to one or two places, you know.
BB: One or two??? Look at this, (She waves the invoice around vaguely.) you went to Venice three times- three times!!!
Scout: Venice is very nice, there are a lot of possibilities for a film to be shot there.
MGW: Oh, we know- that is why Bond has been to Venice so often!
BB: We’re not planning on going back there again in the foreseeable future.
Scout: Oh. That’s a shame, it’s beautiful there.
MGW: Not like Hull, then?
Scout: No, Hull is very boring.
BB: Then why do you have it listed there four times in the past year???!!!
Scout: Ah, I have family there.
MGW: I am very sure you can manage to see them in your own time, and if this sort of behaviour doesn’t stop you’re going to have a lot more of that in the future.
Scout: Ah.
BB: Now, Australia?
Scout: We have to check it out, Bond has never been to Australia.
MGW: Look, if we haven’t gone there in 60+ years we aren’t going to start now.
Scout: Okay, I see.
BB: You do know that we aren’t making a Bond film at the moment, don’t you?
Scout: Best to be prepared, I always say.
MGW: What on Earth makes you think that we should be prepared to film in London?
Scout: We always go to London!
BB: Not always.
Scout: Damn near it. Just like Italy.
MGW: Yes, I see you’ve been there quite a few times.
Scout: Just like James Bond in the last several movies.
BB: I suppose your wife and kids liked it?
Scout: Oh yes, they…. Ah.
MGW: Press the button, Barbara.
BB: With pleasure.
(She presses a button on the desk and the chair shoots through an opening that has appeared above them. There’s a scream that grows fainter as the ex-scout flies away.)
MGW: Just because we’ve used something before has never stopped us from using it again.
We all know Roger Moore was considered for the part of James Bond way back at the beginning of the film series. Suppose he actually won the role? Based on his later films, I was thinking....
1962. M’s office. He is talking to a newly arrived James Bond.
M: Does toppling mean anything to you, 007?
Bond: A little. It’s throwing the gyroscopic controls of a guided missile off balance with a radio beam.
M: Yes, that’s right.
Bond: These controls are generally classified broadly into three different systems- active, semi-active, and passive. In the active variant, each missile carries the equipment needed to illuminate the target and-
M: Thank you, 007. Now-
Bond: If you look here, sir-
(He pulls down a previously unseen wallchart.)
Bond: It can be seen that the flight path of such a missile is normally-
M: Look, Bond, I-
Bond: -in the shape of a parabola. To interfere successfully with the flight path, the toppling should begin before the missile reaches the apex of the parabola and-
M: Bond, be quiet.
Bond: -in the case of a semi-active system, the-
M: Shut up!
Bond: - guidance can be affected by-
(M produces a small calibre pistol from his desk drawer and shoots Bond three times, with devastating accuracy. Bond falls to the floor. M sighs heavily then presses a button on the intercom in front of him.)
M: (On intercom.) Miss Moneypenny?
Moneypenny: (On intercom.) Yes, sir?
M: Cancel the armourer. Find 006 for me instead, please.
Moneypenny: Yes, sir. Will there be anything else?
M: Tell him to bring a bag. A large bag.
THE 1995 DIARY OF PIERCE BROSNAN
MONDAY- First day of shooting on what has been my dream for so long. Finally I’m James Bond! And I’m driving IT- the Aston Martin DB5 I watched Sean Connery drive all those years ago, in “Goldfinger”. I think I managed to not show my excitement although Martin Campbell, the director, got rather annoyed at having to do three takes because I kept pressing the ejector seat button. I must say Serena Gordon was quite a sport and said she hadn’t been hurt at all.
TUESDAY- A casino scene today. I was wearing the full get-up (tuxedo, bow tie, you name it) and I got to say THE line. Martin was very impressed that I did it right first time. I told him I had been practicing for thirty years so he shouldn’t be surprised at all. He was surprised, though, when I then gave him the option of me doing it in Scottish, Australian, English, or Welsh styles. He said no, my first take was just fine.
WEDNESDAY- I’m afraid I may possibly have embarrassed myself today. We were doing the Q scene, where he gives me a car and gadgets, and I was a total fanboy to meet Desmond Llewelyn. He took it well as I gushed all over him but I kept getting my lines wrong because I couldn’t stop saying ”it’s YOU!!!”, “it’s really you” and similar. Martin eventually had to have my lines written on big cards. Desmond already had those, the crew call them “Q cards”, but he’s twice my age so at least he has an excuse.
THURSDAY- Another embarrassing day. After yesterday I was determined not to be impressed when Dame Judi Dench and I came face to face- well, face to navel really but you get what I mean. I was talking with Martin about how I wasn’t going to be impressed by “the evil queen of Oscars” when he suddenly made a cringing face and I realised she was right behind me. I tried to apologise but she just said that if she wanted sarcasm she would speak to her children.
FRIDAY- Our producers Michael and Barbara were on set today. They have been really friendly, and I am so glad to have them on my side. I think we will be friends forever- there’s no way that they would stab me in the back like those “Remington Steele” guys did.
1977. Eon HQ. inside a diamond mine in South Africa. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are interviewing potential writers and directors for “The Spy Who Loved Me”. One is seated in front of them right now….
Cubby: …so, thanks for coming in to see us, Mr Brooks, and we’ve read your, er, very interesting script.
Mel: Sure you have. Whaddya think?
MGW: Well, it’s difficult to know where to begin. I believe you said you wanted to direct the film as well?
Mel: That’s right.
Cubby: We’ve never had someone write and direct a James Bond film before. I’m not convinced it’s a good idea. Now, we’re concerned at some aspects of your proposal. For example, you have suggested that you play both M and Blofeld.
Mel: I like to play more than one part in my movies!
MGW: We’re not against that per se, but really we don’t like that Blofeld is backed up by twelve dancing Hitlers.
Mel: Too Jewish?
Cubby: Hardly, and no you can’t shoot the film in black and white.
Mel: But-
MGW: Or as a silent movie.
Mel: Hey, now-
Cubby: How on earth can we have the lines such as “My name’s Bond. James Bond” in a silent movie?
Mel: Yeah, well, okay.
MGW: If we shot the film your way it would be sure to bomb at the box office.
Mel: You think so? I can find a way round that.
Cubby: And there’s certain parts of the language you’ve employed here that we cannot and will not be using under any circumstances.
Mel: Oh, you mean n-
MGW: (Quickly.) You know perfectly well what we mean. And for God’s sake, you can’t have M, Q, Miss Moneypenny, and James Bond all sitting talking while farting loudly.
Mel: That would work!
Cubby: It most certainly would not.
Mel: That’s a shame.
Cubby: And you definitely can’t have Gene Wilder playing Bond!
Mel: Aw….
finally we get to the good directors!
Mel already made his own successful spy series. EON shouldve been taking inspiration, in fact maybe they were during the Roger Moore years.
Another two crackers…love the Mel Brooks one 🤣
Mel Brooks is nearly a hundred years old now, isn't he? Even served in WWII, and as a combat engineer!
Thanks, guys. Yes, Mel is wonderful and like you, @caractacus potts, I loved his spy series (though not the cinema version more recently).
N24 he's in his late 90s. I didn't know his war service, thanks for sharing.
Sir Miles, have you seen "My Favourite Year", an often overlooked film with strong Brooks connections?
2017. The household of Aidan Turner. The telephone rings.
Aidan: Hello?
Agent: Aidan, my boy, how are you?
Aidan: Fine, fine.
Agent: Have I got news for you!
Aidan: (Trying not to get his hopes up.) Oh, you have news, then?
Agent: Of course! Great news!
Aidan: That’s what you said when you put me in “The Secret Scripture”.
Agent: I didn’t see that one.
Aidan: Nor did anyone else, that’s the problem.
Agent: But look, you’ll be seen by millions in this next one.
Aidan: For sure?
Agent: For sure! You are gonna look great, you are gonna wear fantastic clothes…
Aidan: (Unconsciously adopting the Bond pose.) You mean it?
Agent: Of course I mean it!
Aidan: You mean- you mean she called?
Agent: She? Who called?
Aidan: Barbara Broccoli, of course! She got fed up waiting for Daniel Craig to make up his mind and decided to go for a younger, not to say cheaper, man!!!!
Agent: Barbara Broccoli? No, of course not!
Aidan: But you said-
Agent: I said you’d be wearing fantastic clothes and be seen by millions. You’re going to do advertisements for Dunhill.
Aidan: Oh…. I’m not sure about that…
Agent: Well, I could always call Henry Cavill’s agent and see if-
Aidan: Okay, okay, I’ll do it!
Agent: That’s great, Aidan, I thought you’d agree. Just one more thing, though…
Aidan: And what’s that?
Agent: No dressing up as you-know-who, in a tux and bow tie, like you did in that Agatha Christie thing, just in case she's watching.
Aidan: Wouldn’t dream of it….
No…I hadn’t even heard of it 🤗
And a further good one above 👏🏻🤣
Thanks!
I recommend you give it a watch
It's based on Mel's experiences working on a TV show in the 50s (I want to say the Sid Caesar show, but am not sure) when he had the unenviable task of keeping Errol Flynn sober and out of trouble long enough to appear on said show. Very enjoyable!
This is for @caractacus potts who suggested it and supplied some of the material.
1977. Eon HQ, deep inside Buckingham Palace. Cubby and MGW are interviewing potential writers and directors for "The Spy Who Loved Me".
MGW: We’re not having much luck so far, Cubby.
Cubby: No worries, we’ll get one sooner or later.
MGW: Let’s hope so.
Cubby: Who’s this next one, then?
MGW: It’s… (Examines a list.) John Landis.
Cubby: Let’s get him in, then.
MGW: (Presses a button on the intercom.) Send in the next one, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Yes, Mr Wilson.
(The door opens and a bearded man with glasses enters.)
Cubby: Have a seat, please.
John: Thank you. (Sits.)
MGW: Now, Mr Landis, we’ve had a good look through the synopsis which you sent in.
John: Oh, yes?
Cubby: And we have some thoughts we’d like to discuss with you. Firstly, the car chase.
John: That’s good, I like car chases.
MGW: Yes, but Bond’s Lotus is only pursued by one sedan, one motorcycle, and one helicopter- not the entire Chicago police force!
John: But I-
Cubby: And they’re in Corsica, anyway.
MGW: Actually, Dad, they’re in Sardinia.
Cubby: Whatever. No Chicago police force!!!
John: (Glumly.) All right.
Cubby: And I don’t remember telling you to include Felix Leiter in this script.
John: I just thought-
MGW: And for heaven’s sake why kill him early on and then have him keep returning, each time in a worse state of decomposition?
John: Well, he’s offering a commentary on Bond’s progress.
Cubby: Not going to happen. And you can forget about killing off Felix- he’s one of our staple and beloved characters so he stays alive. Right, Michael?
MGW: (Busy scribbling in a notebook.) Er, right. Sure, Cubby, whatever you say.
Cubby: Now, next- we have an indestructible henchman. He’s huge, he’s got metal teeth, there’s no way Bond can beat him. Part of the fun for our audience is wondering just how Bond is going to get the better of this giant, you understand?
John: Yes, like with Oddjob back in “Goldfinger”.
Cubby: That’s right. Now what in the world, what in the entire known universe, made you think Bond is going to escape him by spitting a mouthful of mashed potatoes in his face?
John: Well, it’s original.
MGW: We’re not in some sort of animal house here!
John: I’ll take it out, then.
Cubby: And one more thing- take out the part where Bond turns into a zombie when he kisses Agent XXX!
John: Can he become a werewolf, then?
Cubby and Michael: NO!!!!
John: Aw…..