Imaginary Conversations



  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 3,091MI6 Agent

    Something better change around here!

    Something certainly did.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Thank you, Guys.

    W_D, once again you've given me an idea which I might get on to. However, meanwhile, I think I hear the sound of footsteps. Footsteps pacing up and down.....

    (And I don't think anyone would ever guess who it is.)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    2024. The Radcliffe household. Daniel lies on the sofa trying to relax while his wife paces up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.


    Daniel: Oh sit down, my love, why don’t you?

    Wife: I can’t, I just can’t.

    Daniel: Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.

    Wife: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!

    Daniel: A time like this? Look, darling, they’re not going to phone.

    Wife: Of course they are! Pierce Brosnan himself said that you should be James Bond!

    Daniel: Yes, I know he said that, but that was twenty years ago and I don’t think he was being serious at the time. He knew the producers wanted a younger man, and he just said my name as a joke- I was far too young.

    Wife: Yes, but you’re the right age now.

    Daniel: Look, James Bond is supposed to be tall, dark and handsome.

    Wife: And two out of three ain’t bad, and it’s more than the last guy they had!

    Daniel: Listen, you’re just working yourself up over nothing.

    Wife: Nothing? Didn’t I see Barbara Broccoli herself smile at you a couple of years ago?

    Daniel: It was a premiere, my love, she was smiling at everybody.

    Wife: Wouldn’t Emma and Bonnie make good Bond girls for you?


    Daniel: They don’t say “Bond girls” any more, it's "Bond women" now.

    Wife: And didn’t you tell me that Robbie Coltrane once told you what a wonderful time he’d had making James Bond movies, and that you would love it?

    Daniel: I was just a kid at the time, he was only trying to cheer me up.

    Wife: Stop running yourself down.

    Daniel: And here’s another thing- should I ever be James Bond, you just know that Rupert Grint is going to be around here every night begging to be allowed to play Felix Leiter.

    Wife: Well, let him.

    Daniel: I don’t think that would be up to me.

    Wife: Well, maybe you’re right. I think I will sit down and have a cup of tea.

    Daniel: That’s great, darling. (He reaches down the back of the sofa and produces something that looks suspiciously like a wand.) Accio tea!

    (A cup, steaming gently, and saucer make their way unaided out of the kitchen and stop in front of Mrs Radcliffe.)

    Wife: I wish you’d stop doing that.

    Daniel: Sorry, old habits and all that.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    1971. Pinewood Studios. Director Guy Hamilton is reviewing some of the special effects needed for “Diamonds Are Forever”.


    Technician: …and this is what we have for the laser satellite in action.


    Hamilton: Hmmm…. I suppose it’ll have to do. And what do you have for when the laser beam hits something, say a submarine?

    Technician: How about this?


    Hamilton: No, no, that’s awful!

    Technician: How about this one then?


    Hamilton: Well, it’s better. Now, we have to show what happens when the laser hits some Chinese missiles.

    Technician: Got this for you.


    Hamilton: That’s… not very convincing. How about a big explosion, out in the desert, when it hits an American missile in its silo?

    Technician: No problem, take a look.


    Hamilton: Very weak. Doubt if you could hear that 100 yards away.

    Technician: It’s all I could do with the budget I was given. Don’t suppose you could ask Mr Broccoli for more money for us?

    Hamilton: After what he’s had to pay Connery to do this movie? If I ask him for more money, I won’t need a special effect to hear an explosion!

  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,966MI6 Agent

    Reading these is the first time I've got a laugh out of some of my frustrations with Gardner... Bang on the nose @Barbel

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 53 years.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Thanks, @Shady Tree.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,554Chief of Staff

    Loved that last one @Barbel 🤣👏🏻🙌🏻

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    And thanks, Sir M. 🙂

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff
    edited January 21

    Thank you to everyone who participated in last week’s picture quiz. The winner will, as announced, be permitted to watch some of the shooting of the next Bond movie. Or at least their descendants will be, if things continue at this rate.

    The answers are below.



    1.      This was not, as many thought, the hairpiece worn by Sean Connery in his last Bond film, “Never Say Never Again” but in fact the one from “Diamonds Are Forever”, his last official Bond movie, and generally agreed to be the worst of his 007 career. The hairpiece, not the movie (though some may differ on that).



    2.      Many people spotted that this was Daniel Craig’s fee for “No Time To Die” but only a few realized that this was the second installment. The next eighteen installments were off camera.




    3.      An easy one. Yes, this is Roger Moore’s birth certificate, on temporary loan from the British Museum.




    4.      This is the crowd at the Albert Hall “The Sound Of 007” concert after being told that Jack White & Alicia Keys would not be performing “Another Way To Die”.




    5.      And this is that crowd a few moments later on being told that the replacement would be Sam Smith performing “Writing’s On the Wall”.


    6.      Yes, 100% score here. Everyone spotted George Lazenby being happy (with Tracy), being sad (the ending), being angry (with Blofeld), and being attentive (with Draco). Any of those answers would be correct.



    7.      Tricky one, this. Not, as many suggested, belonging to the one person in 1972 who didn’t spot that Mr Big and Dr Kananga were both the same man. Nor were they on loan from Rosa Klebb. These in fact belong to the editor of “Quantum Of Solace”, and I’m sure he’ll be glad to have them returned after he lost them all those years ago before starting work on that film.



    8.      This one was easy. Yes, everyone spotted that this was Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli hard at work preparing the next Bond movie.



    9.      Another hard one. No, this didn’t belong to Michael Legrand but was the property of Eric Serra, lost since 1995.




    10.  And finally, most people spotted that this was, of course, Kevin McClory.



    Thanks again everyone! More later!

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,554Chief of Staff

    @Barbel I can honestly say this is one of the best so far 🍸

    Apart from No.4 obviously 🤨


    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Thanks! I knew you'd love No.4.....

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Co-written with Bride of Barbel, in case that isn't obvious.

    2024. House of Bondfan. He lies fast asleep under his duvet printed with the music for the “James Bond Theme”, his head lying on the pillow with the hardback cover of “From Russia With Love”, when suddenly he wakes up.


    Bondfan: (Eyes wide.) Aaarghhh!

    Bride Of Bondfan: (Startled.) Oh my God! What is it? Are you all right?

    Bondfan: I… think so. Sorry to wake you, my love.

    Bride Of Bondfan: Have you had a nightmare?

    Bondfan: Yes, a nightmare. It was terrible!

    Bride Of Bondfan: Was it that one again where Eon hire Jack White and Alicia Keys to do another James Bond title song?

    Bondfan: (Shudders.) No, not that one, thank God.

    Bride Of Bondfan: The one where they make “Casino Royale” for the fourth time?

    Bondfan: No, although that was really, really bad.

    Bride Of Bondfan: Or where we find out that Blofeld is James Bond’s brother?

    Bondfan: Awful, that was one of the most horrible nightmares I’ve ever - oh wait a minute, they really did that! Yuch!

    Bride Of Bondfan: Well, what was it?

    Bondfan: It was… it was…

    Bride Of Bondfan: Come on, tell me!

    Bondfan: Well, I dreamed that Eon- you know, Barbara Broccoli and Michael -

    Bride Of Bondfan: I’ve been married to you for twenty-five years, I know who they are!

    Bondfan: Yes, of course. I dreamed that they had been listening to us.

    Bride Of Bondfan: (Horrified.) Us? They have a microphone in our bedroom????

    Bondfan: No, the fans. I dreamed that they had been actually listening to the fans and made a film exactly the way that we wanted them to- they cast a good choice of lead actor, they hired an excellent director, they used bits of Fleming that haven’t been filmed before in the script, they brought back David Arnold, they kept the same M, Moneypenny and Q, and they even made it reasonably quickly and then announced another one to follow as soon as possible. They did nothing wrong, it was a perfect Bond movie and it made billions and billions and everybody was happy!

    Bride Of Bondfan: So what’s so terrible about that?

    Bondfan: Don’t you see? We’ll have nothing to complain about on AJB for years!!!!

    Bride Of Bondfan: (Rolls her eyes.) Oh. Go back to sleep, my love.

    Bondfan: Yes, dear.

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,189MI6 Agent

    The picture quiz is perfection! The sketch above may well not be imaginary 😁

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,554Chief of Staff

    Another quality addition 👏🏻🤣

    YNWA 97
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,788MI6 Agent

    The Bride clearly works harder and better than the producers are! 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Thank you very much, everyone, from the Bride and I. 👍

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff
    edited January 23

    1965. Nassau General Hospital. A doctor and a nurse stand beside the bed of an unconscious patient.


    Doctor:  …so he came in yesterday, you say?

    Nurse: Yes, doctor. He was picked up lying unconscious in the corridor of one of the hotels.

    Doctor: I see.

    Nurse: At first we thought he was simply drunk, until we got his shirt off and saw… well, you know what we saw.

    Doctor: Yes, massive bruising just below the rib cage.

    Nurse: More or less exactly at the solar plexus.

    Doctor: And there was no identification on him, nurse?

    Nurse: No, doctor, nothing. He hasn’t recovered consciousness long enough to speak with us, either. He does wake up for a few seconds every now and then, though.

    Doctor: Does he say anything?

    Nurse: Well, yes, but it doesn’t make any sense. He just keeps repeating “Why, James? Why?”

    Doctor: “Why, James. Why?”

    Nurse: Yes, that’s all. Then he drifts away again.

    Doctor: Very strange…

    Nurse: Yes, very.

    Doctor: And there’s nothing else?

    Nurse: Well, he appears to be quite young, despite the grey hair, but we have no idea-

    (The door opens slightly, and a porter hands over an envelope.)

    Doctor: What is it?

    Nurse: (Opening envelope.) It would seem to be a “Get Well” card.

    Doctor: Ah! Is there a name?

    Nurse: Let me see… it says


    To Felix

    Get well soon. Sorry and all that.



    Doctor: That’ll be the James he’s been talking about. Well, at least we now know his name.

    Nurse: Yes, he’s called Felix.

    Doctor: I knew a Felix once, met him at Fort Knox- but it can’t be this guy, he looks nothing like him. Oh well, keep me posted. Let me know when he comes round.

    Nurse: Yes, doctor.

    (Edit- This was inspired by @Westward_Drift's comment at post 2882 above.)

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,788MI6 Agent
    edited January 23

    Nassau General Hospital. 1965, Felix Leiter wakes up in his bed.

    Bond: (Smiling.) Hallo, Felix.

    Felix (Winces.) Oh, James. It's you ...

    Bond: I heard you ended up in hospital, so I dropped by as soon as I found the time.

    Felix: As soon as ..... you've been on a mission?

    Bond: After a fashion. The casino and Miss Bodycomb waits for no man.

    Felix: It's been a week, James ....

    Bond: How time flies when you're enjoying yourself.

    Felix: How nice you've been having fun, James. But haven't you asked yourself why I'm still in hospital?

    Bond: (Lost in reverie.) I've been enjoying Miss Bodycomb, Miss Titsworth , Miss ...... .... Oh, by the way. Why are you still in hospital, Felix?

    Felix: (Gives Bond an ironical thumbs up.) Great question! It turns out your punch seriously injured my gallbladder. My doctor ordered ten days of rest to give the galllbladder a chance to heal.

    Bond: Who knew a friendly little jab could result in that kind of damage?

    Felix: You should know, James. After all you're double-0 ....

    (Bond punches Felix hard in the solar plexus. Felix doubles over in severe pain. A machine he's hooked up to starts beeping alarmingly loudly.)

    Bond: Can't be too careful. You almost said "007" out loud! I'm sure you understand.

    (Bond helps himself to a grape from Felix' nightstand and strolls out of the room.)

    Bond: I'll pay you another visit as soon as I can find the time ....

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,189MI6 Agent

    Very good, N24 😂😂😂

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,189MI6 Agent
    edited January 25

    Some conversations I wished had happened (I know some will disagree with some of them)…short but sweet. Apologies in advance for the bad language…

    1958 Boodle’s Club.

    Ivar Bryce: Ah, there you are, Ian, can I introduce you to my friend, Kevin McClory?

    Fleming: (Looks up from his chair, inhales from his cigarette, studies McClory intensely, exhales the smoke ) No, he can f*#@ off! (And returns to his copy of The Times)


    1964 Jack Lord’s agents office.

    Agent: Sit down, Jack, good to see you.

    Lord: What’s so urgent to get me to come over at this hour?

    Agent: The Bond people want you back as Felix Leiter, for the new film, Goldfinger, a nice increase in salary too.

    Lord: Great! Where do I sign?


    1970 Ronan O’Rahilly’s office.

    O’Rahilly: Sit down, George, I’ve got a great deal from Eon, 7 films and a multi-million pound contract.

    Lazenby: Great! Where do I sign?


    1974 John Barry is working hard to score the car chase scene in TMWTGG, he’s undecided about the car jump.

    Assistant: How about using a slide whistle?

    Barry: (Looks at him incredulously) F*#@ off!


    1985 John Barry is working hard to score the PTS in AVTAK.

    Assistant: We’ve used snippets of songs before, how about California Girls?

    Barry: (Looks at him incredulously) F*#@ off!


    1994: Pierce Brosnan’s agents office.

    Agent: Sit down, Pierce, I’ve got another great contract for you.

    Brosnan: I’m to be James Bond, at last!

    Agent: No, they’ve renewed your Remington Steele contract, it’s all binding, you can’t turn it down.


    2017 Michael G. Wilson’s office. The intercom buzzes.

    Secretary: Daniel’s agent is on the phone, sir.

    Wilson picks up telephone.

    Wilson: Good morning, how are you?

    Agent: I’m good and have great news. Daniel will do one more, but only if Bond dies at the end.

    Wilson: Tell him to f*#@ off!

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff


    If you two guys plus the Bride keep this up, then I can just retire and leave this thread to you! Thanks, guys, I really enjoyed both of your posts. I would like to continue the Felix-in-hospital story just once more, then switch to something else.

    Nassau General Hospital. Some time later, the same doctor is walking down a corridor when the same nurse comes bursting out of a room. She is badly shaken (though not stirred).


    Doctor: Hey now, what’s the matter?

    Nurse: Oh, doctor, it’s… it’s…

    Doctor: Calm down, take a few deep breaths.

    (She does that, and her condition quickly improves. Her pallor disappears and her pulse rate returns more or less to normal, as does her breathing rate.)

    Doctor: There, you look a lot better now. Care to tell me what frightened you?

    Nurse: It’s the man in that sideroom, there. (She points.)

    Doctor: Mr Leiter? What’s up?

    Nurse: Haven’t you heard? The staff are all afraid to go in there!

    Doctor: What? He seems pleasant enough to me.

    Nurse: It’s not that. Yes, he’s a nice guy, but… but…

    Doctor: Come on, now, out with it.

    Nurse: (Deep breath.) It’s that he looks different every time you see him!

    Doctor: Don’t be so ridiculous.

    Nurse: I’m not being ridiculous! Sometimes he’s quite old, sometimes he’s young, sometimes he’s black, sometimes he’s white-

    Doctor: It’s just the light.

    Nurse: No it isn’t!

    Doctor: Oh nurse, really-

    Nurse: Listen to me! Sometimes he’s clean-shaven, sometimes he has a beard.

    Doctor: Well, anyone can take a razor and-

    Nurse: No, he’s clean-shaven first then the beard appears!

    Doctor: Now, that’s just being-

    Nurse: I am not being hysterical- ask any of the staff. And then there’s…

    Doctor: Yes? And then there’s what?

    Nurse: It’s his hand!

    Doctor: What about his hand?

    Nurse: (Very calmly.) One day he had a hook for a hand, and then the next day the hand had grown back.

    Doctor: That is not possible.

    Nurse: I know.

    Doctor: I think you should take the rest of the day off.

    Nurse: You think?

    Doctor: It sounds to me as if something you ate disagreed with you.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,554Chief of Staff


    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Thanks! Today's will be along shortly. 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Eleven years later…..

    Somewhere in Japan. Kissi Suzuki comes home from a day’s fishing, her arms full of awabi. She hears the soft sound of sobbing coming from her young son’s room.


    Kissy: James? Are you all right?

    James Suzuki: (Unconvincingly.) I-I’m fine, mother.

    (Kissy drops her shellfish and goes into her son’s room, to find him lying on the bed curled up. He has clearly been crying. She rushes to him.)

    Kissy: Oh, my boy. (Kiss, kiss.) What’s the matter?

    James: N-nothing.

    Kissy: Oh come on, you don’t fool me.

    James: I d-don’t want to tell you.

    Kissy: It’s the other children, isn’t it? Have they been teasing you?

    (Young James nods.)

    Kissy: Because you’re already 6 foot two inches and you’re only ten?

    James: No, not that.

    Kissy: Because you’ve got a Scottish accent for some reason and shpeak like thish?

    James: No, it ishn’t that.

    Kissy: Is it all the children or just the boys?

    James: It’sh jusht the boysh, mother. The girlsh all only want me to go up the mountainsh alone with them and-

    Kissy: (Quickly.) Yes, yes, I know. That’s another thing you have inherited from your father.

    James: Everyone shays my father musht have been a gaijin.

    Kissy: (Firmly.) No, he wasn’t. Your father was called Taro Todoroki and he was-

    James: -a coal miner, you’ve told me that many times.

    Kissy: So what is it that the boys are saying to you? What are they teasing you about? Is it because you’re already shaving three times a day although you’re only ten and your chest is hairier than the average gorilla?

    James: No, it wash something at shchool today.

    Kissy: Well?

    James: They all laughed at me when I ashked for my milk to be shaken not shtirred.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,554Chief of Staff

    Love it 🤣🤣🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Thanks Sir M, here's a little more just for you.

    Kissy: Oh, never mind. Come with me and we can watch a film.

    James: (Suspiciously.) As long as it’s not “The Guns Of Navarone” again.

    Kissy: No, of course not.

    James: Or “The Pink Panther”, or “Around the World In Eighty Days”.

    Kissy: All right, not one of them either.

    James: How about that crazy one in a casino?

    Kissy: (Quickly.) No! Definitely not that one!

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,189MI6 Agent


    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Thank you, CHB. Today's will be arriving from Q Branch later.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,281Chief of Staff

    Pick a year. Q is happily working in his lab creating explosive pens and stuff when the telephone rings.


    Q: Hello?

    Bond: Q, it’s me.

    Q: 007! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon.

    Bond: Er… I wasn’t expecting it, either.

    Q: Have you found some switch on the car whose function you can’t remember? (Laughs.) I’m sure I told you everything.

    Bond: No, it’s not that. I, er….

    Q: Well, I trust that you are pleased. We’ve been working on that car for months, you know, as I’m sure I told you only this morning before you took it away.

    Bond: Yyyyyes, you definitely told me that.

    Q: And I made sure you had a full tank of petrol, which these days is not to be sniffed at.

    Bond: Yes, I know you did. Listen, Q, I-

    Q: Don’t tell me you got yourself a flat tyre! Really, 007!

    Bond: No, I didn’t get a flat tyre. I do have to tell you, though, that I-

    Q: You got it scratched! You managed to put a scratch on that beautiful paintwork which my team were lovingly polishing only this morning!

    Bond: No, I …. Well, to tell the truth, I did scratch it but that’s-

    Q: Aargh! How could you have been so careless?

    Bond: Look, it isn’t-

    Q: Do you have any idea how much work it will take to hide that scratch? A day, maybe two, and it won’t be easy, either!

    Bond: Yes, I’m sorry, but I have to-

    Q: Just be more careful in future! Now, bring it back in as soon as you can.

    Bond: Ah…. That’s what I’m calling you about….


  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,554Chief of Staff

    Really 🙄🤣

    Reminds me, I must watch the crazy one again soon 👏🏻

    YNWA 97
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