Another cracker 🤣🤣🤣
It’s the way he tells ‘em!
Thanks, guys, you're very kind. But excuse me, I think I hear footsteps. Footsteps walking back and forth, near a telephone....
1987. The Moore household. Roger is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
Luisa: Oh, sit down, Roger, please.
Roger: I can’t, my darling, I just can’t.
Luisa: Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Roger: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!
Luisa: Roger, Cubby has your number. If he wants you, he’ll call.
Roger: But that’s just it! He hasn’t called! I know that they begin shooting on “The Living Daylights” next week and I haven’t heard a word!
Luisa: Of course you haven’t heard a word- you quit, Roger, remember? You quit! You said you weren’t going to make any more Bond films.
Roger: Oh, that was just a feint. I said that after every Bond movie for the last eight years.
Luisa: Yes, I know.
Roger: And every time Cubby came back to me, offering more money.
Luisa: But this is the last time, my love. You’re really becoming too ol- (She sees the look in his eye, a look she has seen only occasionally but recognises instantly.)- er, too mature to play James Bond these days.
Roger: Nonsense, I’m as fit as a fiddle.
Luisa: Anyway, I’ve heard that they want to sign Pierce Brosnan.
Roger: Brosnan? The guy from “Remington Steele”? Ha!
Luisa: You’re forgetting, you used to be just the guy from “The Saint”.
Roger: Hmph. I think that’s only a bluff- you know, like back when they were screen-testing James Brolin.
Luisa: One bluff too many.
Roger: And I have heard, through my connections, that Brosnan is going to be signed up for another series of “Remington Steele” and won’t be free to play Bond.
Luisa: Well, it could be that actor from “Flash Gordon”.
Roger: Who, Brian Blessed? Don’t be ridiculous! He’s too ol…. Ah.
2018. Eon HQ, inside a floating casino. MGW and BB are sitting behind a desk. Ridley Scott walks in.
MGW: Ah, good morning, Mr Scott.
Ridley: Good morning.
BB: Please, take a seat.
(Ridley sits down.)
MGW: Now, as you know, Danny Boyle was all set up to direct our next Bond film but unfortunately he has. er. dropped out owing to… to…
BB: …to some professional disputes.
Ridley: Ah, he wanted to do the film his way and you wanted him to do it your way.
MGW: You can interpret it any way you please, Mr Scott. Now, Barbara and I have been going over this script you have put together as a plan for our next Bond film.
Ridley: Oh yes?
BB: The first thing that hit us was the title.
Ridley: You don’t like the title?
MGW: It’s not so much that we don’t like it, it just doesn’t fit in with the background of James Bond movies and our naming strategy.
Ridley: Yes, it does! You’ve had films named after the villain before- “Goldfinger” for example, and “Dr No”.
BB: But you want to call this one “Ernst”.
Ridley: I most certainly do. It's something I like.
MGW: That doesn’t work for us, I’m afraid. And also, look at the length of this script!
(He holds it up. It’s longer than “The Lord Of The Rings”- the unedited version, with all three volumes under one cover.)
Ridley: I feel that it’s my artistic right to-
BB: It would be about 160 minutes or so!
Ridley: Oh, I reckon only about 157 minutes.
MGW: If we had wanted a Bond film of that length we’d have told you. No Bond film has ever run that long before. That would be terrible!
BB: And this part here, (She points at a page.) where some sort of creature bursts out of Bill Tanner’s chest- what the hell?
Ridley: I thought it would be a way to make audiences remember Tanner for once.
MGW: That’s true, you’ve got us there. But we definitely don’t want the part where Bond and the main henchman fight to the death in an arena, with a crowd yelling while Blofeld, or as you call him “Ernst”, puts his thumb up or down to decide who lives or dies.
Ridley: That’s the best part!
BB: Above all, we don’t want your ending, where Bond and Leiter drive their car off the Grand Canyon and the film just stops.
Ridley: You don’t?
MGW: Of course we don’t- Bond and Leiter getting killed in one of our films? That’s just madness!
Two more belters 👏🏻🤣🤣
But ... but want Ridley to direct Bond! Come back, Ridley .....
A nice thought, but I think we all know it'll never happen.
Now, the above was going to be Quentin Tarantino but at the last minute I suddenly thought that I had done him before so changed it to Ridley Scott. I'm not going back through 94 pages, so does anyone remember Tarantino being the victim? If not I'll do him next.
I like this new game! can we request directors?
I suggest Terry Gilliam, because at the very least he can get a film finished slightly quicker than EON (I know, I've made this joke before, but the collaboration has potential! for example, Michael Palin could do the torture sequence!)
Only too happy, @caractacus potts 😊
1977. Eon HQ, inside a Scottish castle which, filmed from different angles, pretends to be several different castles.
Cubby: Ah, come in, Mr Gilliam.
Terry: Thank you.
MGW: Please, have a seat. Now Cubby and I have been going through your suggested script for our next James Bond film, “The Spy Who Loved Me”.
Terry: Oh yes?
Cubby: And there are just a few points we’d like to discuss with you. Firstly, we do most definitely not like your ending.
Terry: The ending? What’s wrong with it?
Cubby: What’s wrong with it? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. You’ve got James Bond about to be killed then he’s rescued by Robert de Niro swinging in and he flies away on angel wings
only for him to wake up and find that it’s all been a dream and he’s being tortured by your good friend Michael Palin!
Terry: I really like that ending.
MGW: It won’t wash- everyone knows that Michael Palin is the nicest man alive and he isn’t going to be torturing anybody.
Terry: Ah, but-
Cubby: And another thing. We here at Eon Productions are very pleased with our effects teams.
Terry: What, even after “Diamonds Are Forever”?
MGW: …there have been some occasional lapses. But we do not want a character in the film drawing attention to our effects.
Terry: What do you mean?
Cubby: When Bond and Anya are on a speedboat heading for Stromberg’s base, Atlantis, we most definitely do NOT want one of them to say “It’s only a model”.
Terry: Ah yes, but you see-
MGW: And Bond is looking in Egypt for a submarine tracking system, not around New York for the Holy Grail.
Terry: It isn’t just New York-
Cubby: Or around Scotland, either.
MGW: And no dwarves!
Terry: No dwarves???!!!
Cubby: We told you, we want a giant with steel teeth, and what do you give us?
(Terry is silent.)
MGW: What do you give us?
Terry: (Glumly.) Six time-travelling dwarves.
MGW: Not exactly the same, is it?
Terry: I suppose not.
Cubby: Are there any questions you would like to ask us?
Terry: Well, yes.
MGW: Please, go ahead.
Terry: How come Bond can kill the bad guys with one shot from a small pistol but they never manage to hit him with sub-machine guns? How come there are cars and helicopters full of villains waiting for him when they couldn’t know which road he would take? How come the American, the Russian and the British submarines all bristling with radar and sonar don’t spot a gigantic oil tanker until it’s right behind them? What on Earth is the significance of the webbing on Stromberg’s hands?
Cubby: Well, we didn’t expect a Spanish Inquisition.
Terry: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Barbel I'd just like to say that was an excellent skit/spoof/vignette, completed and delivered to the audience with very unGilliam-like haste and efficiency, however this is my only line.
? Only line? Don't understand.
"this is my only line" is a recurring gag in the TV series, just about the only one as they deliberately avoided conventional comedy tropes
see this Python wiki for a list of occurrences
Gilliam says "this is my only line" once when dressed in a Viking costume, and its more dialog than he usually got in the teevee series
in all seriousness, with no unadvised attempts to make obscure Python references on my own, good job on the Gilliam-does-a-BondFilm sketch! I especially liked the inclusion of "its only a model" (his only line in Holy Grail?)
😁😁😁 Thank you! I don't remember that one, obviously. Thanks for the kind words. I'll wait a while before another "director or writer talks to Eon" sketch, having just done two in a row.
I shouldn't have said that last line. I couldn't get the Tarantino idea out of my head....
2004. Eon HQ, under a huge pile of guano on a certain Caribbean island.
MGW: Come in, Mr Tarantino.
Quentin: Thank you.
BB: Have a seat, please.
MGW: Now, we’d like to talk with you about this script which you’ve submitted.
Quentin: My “Casino Royale” script, yes.
BB: My brother and I have read it through and we have some comments to make.
Quentin: Oh yes?
MGW: Firstly, although I’m not sure if that is the proper word in this context, you appear to have started in the middle of the story with Bond already at the casino, then moved back to him seducing Solange, then went to the ending in Venice, then jumped to the beginning with him shooting Dryden to earn his double-O number.
Quentin: (Happily.) Yes, that’s right.
BB: And this is NOT how we tell James Bond films! We always tell the story in chronological order and don’t even have flashbacks!
MGW: Well, there was that time-
BB: Quiet, Michael!
Quentin: I don’t believe that has to be the only ****ing way to tell every story.
MGW: And that’s another thing- there’s far too much swearing going on! And not just M- Vesper is talking about the ****** money, Bond talks about the ******* cards, and Mathis tells Bond about that ************* Le Chiffre.
Quentin: Yes, Le Chiffre- he’s a ****, isn’t he?
BB: He may well be, but we’re not telling our audience that! “Slimy bugger” is as strong as we want to go.
Quentin: Yes, but-
MGW: And speaking of Le Chiffre, you are NOT having him slice off one of Bond’s ears while he’s tied to a chair .
Quentin: You’d rather he beat him in the balls with a rope?
BB: We’ve checked with the censor, we can get away with that.
Quentin: Well, all right then.
MGW: And one more thing- no way are you having Samuel L. Jackson play Bond.
These are excellent….as usual 🍸🤣
Many thanks, Sir M.
that Tarantino is such a pottymouth!
I like this new game with the directors, hope to see other variations. it definitely works best with the more "visionary" types.
I have to confess that I've done this earlier in the thread, with Peter Jackson (TWINE, for which he was actually considered at one point) and Alfred Hitchcock (DN- too big a fish for Eon to catch) among others. Please dig them out and I hope you like them, too.
Nice ####ing Tarantino touch, #########r, are you showin' off or were you educated? You get off on this s###? Who the f### do you think you are? Tarantino is too f###### big to direct a Bond film. He has an ego like a ######g behemoth. Get outta here. Go scrub some other decks, mutha....
I hope you get I'm joking.... very good conversation...
@caractacus potts, below I've reprinted one I found easily (you'll have to look for the others yourself). 😁
1977. Eon HQ, in a wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Cubby: Come in, Mr Lucas, have a seat.
George: Thank you. (Sits.)
Cubby: This is my assistant and stepson, Michael G. Wilson.
Cubby: Now, as you know we have asked several writers to come up with pitches for our new James Bond film.
George: Yes, indeed.
MGW: And we have just finished reading yours.
George: (Trying not to look excited.) Oh yes?
Cubby: While there are several interesting ideas there, we do have a few points that we have to make. Firstly, I see that you have included a beautiful girl in a starring role which is just what we have come to expect in a Bond film.
George: Yes, of course.
MGW: However, we were very unhappy when it turns out that she is Bond’s sister. (Makes “squick” noise.) We did not like that at all, and we are sure that neither would our audience.
George: Ah, but-
Cubby: We find this out only much too late, after they have been through several adventures together and even kissed a couple of times.
George: Yes, but-
MGW: Now, you have written in a long swordfight between Bond and Blofeld towards the end of the film. That’s good, we like that, but we were very unhappy with some of the lines.
Cubby: One line to be exact. “No. I am your father”.
George: You don’t like that idea?
Cubby: No, not at all. It goes against everything that’s ever been in one of our James Bond films, it goes against everything that Ian Fleming ever wrote. The only idea that could be worse would be to make Blofeld Bond’s brother.
MGW: ….Blofeld is Bond’s brother…
Cubby: Michael, are you writing something down?
MGW: Er, no, Cubby, of course not.
George: So, what else did you think?
Cubby: Well, we didn’t like your title. You have to stick with the title we gave you- this film is definitely called “The Spy Who Loved Me”, not “The Jedi Who Loved Me”.
George: Well, how about-
Cubby: No, you can’t call it “The Man With The Golden Light Sabre” either.
George: I see. Well, thank you for your time, gentlemen. (Rises.)
Cubby: So, what are your plans, then?
George: I’m going to rewrite this.
MGW: And where are you thinking of doing this?
George: Oh, in a galaxy far, far away.
This is from an idea by Bride Of Barbel.
2018. A beach in Acapulco. Denise Richards and Tanya Roberts lie on adjacent towels sipping from tall glasses full of fruits and umbrellas.
Tanya: This is most faultlessly gratifying, I am compelled to acknowledge.
Denise: Indeed, one is obligated to concur. Distinctly salubrious.
Tanya: In my custody I possess some intelligence to divide with you, Denise.
Denise: My interest is aroused; please do not hesitate to continue.
Tanya: Doubtless you will lucidly remember exercising your thespian talents a certain number of years in the past in the creation of a moving picture concerning the fictional character James Bond?
Denise: Most certainly. It was exacting and problematic; I was compelled to portray a nuclear physicist bearing the improbable appellation of Christmas Jones, while contemporaneously conveying the impression that I, Denise, did not comprehend the meaning of the dramatic lines which I had been provided with, a pertinent example being the phrase “weapons grade plutonium”. You are obviously cognizant of the fact that I am the holder of a PhD in Nuclear Physics.
Tanya: And you will most certainly recall that a few years earlier I was in a similar situation, being obligated to portray a geologist called Stacey Sutton whilst uttering such phrases as “a minor tremor measured on the Richter scale” and conveying the dissimulation that I personally was unable to grasp the meaning of the words therein. You are, of course, aware, that I possess a Master’s Degree in Geology.
Denise: Indeed. I recall these events, though I must ask why you mention them to me at this particular time?
Tanya: I have been informed that yet another motion picture revolving around the previously mentioned character is to be imminently created.
Denise: I am not immoderately startled to hear this.
Tanya: I am obliged to concede my substantial contentment to not be taking part in this, or indeed any other, such ephemeral enterprise.
Denise: I also gratefully concede my comprehensive pleasure at this.
Tanya: It would be most unpalatable to be forced to purport a lack of understanding of diverse themes and topics for the extent of the time required.
Denise: I must concur again; how pleasant it is to be able to relax and not impersonate a helpless and far-fetched character.
Tanya: Most indubitably. The discomfort of crying “James! Help me, James!” with robotic regularity shall remain with me always.
Denise: It is with not inconsiderable pleasure that we can unequivocally say those days are behind us now.
The irony drips off the pen... 😁
I'm happy if you're happy, gentlemen. 😊
Finally Richards and Roberts are portrayed as they really are! 😁
I'm looking forward to reading the EON interviews of Ken Loach and som years later Guy Ritchie. 🙂
Terence Fisher, John Sturges and John Hughes?
Terence Fisher, you say....?
1962. Eon HQ. It’s still just an office, the big money hasn’t started to roll in which isn’t surprising as they haven’t even made “Dr No” yet. In fact, Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman are still in the process of interviewing directors.
Harry: Ah, come in, Mr Fisher.
Terence: Thank you.
Cubby: Have a seat. (Terence sits down.) Now, Harry and I have been reading this screenplay which you and your friend Jimmy Sangster have proposed.
Terence: Oh yes?
Harry: Now, I’m going to come right up front and say that this isn’t the strangest one we’ve looked at.
Terence: Not the strangest?
Cubby: Oh no, we had one in which Dr No was a monkey!
Terence: Now that is strange.
Harry: But he isn’t a vampire, either.
Terence: But we thought-
Cubby: And while he is doing strange experiments on that island of his, he hasn’t stolen the bodies of Strangways and Trueblood to bring them back to life.
Terence: Now, that’s-
Harry: We agree that this would be a spectacular scene, and Dr No should definitely have some sort of laboratory, but we want something more up to date- he’s interfering with rockets which the Americans are sending into space.
Terence: Yes, I know that’s what the book said but we-
Cubby: Your thoughts on Miss Taro and what she gets up to with Bond were very interesting, we both agree on that, but there’s no way we could get that past the censor on the certificate which we are aiming for- kids have got to get in to see this movie, that’s where we plan on a large amount of our audience coming from.
Terence: Those censors have been the bane of my life over at Hammer. Every time we show as much as one little nipple it has to be edited out.
Harry: Nipples? Are you kidding?
Cubby: Definitely not in a Bond film!
Terence: Oh? But I thought-
Harry: No nipples. We had a big argument about that with Maurice Binder, and he promised there wouldn’t be any even in the opening title sequence.
Nipples! — ajb007
Cubby: Now, your casting suggestions- we agree, Christopher Lee would be a perfect villain for James Bond to struggle against.
Terence: (Relieved that they like something.) Yes, he’s terrific.
Harry: But we’ve checked, and he’s unavailable while we’re shooting.
Terence: Aw, that’s a shame.
Cubby: Don’t worry, we will definitely ask him one day.
Harry: However, there is no way we’re casting Peter Cushing as James Bond.
Terence: What? Have you seen those two together? They make great adversaries!
Cubby: Sure they do, when they are Count Dracula and Van Helsing. Anyway, it’s not going to happen.
Terence: (Glumly.) If you say so.
Harry: And yes, you’re right, Dr No has to die at the end of the film. Just not with a stake through his heart.
That is superb @Barbel I really don’t know how you do it so quickly!
John Brosnan mentioned in his book James Bond In The Cinema that a reviewer had mixed up Terence Young with Terence Fisher.
Thanks, CHB. That one was easy to do quickly since I know the subject and watch those movies often, as can be seen in various Off Topic threads.