Imaginary Conversations



  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    There had to be a sequel, and it's below. It's also the last one about directors for a while!

    2018. A hotel in Acapulco. John Glen and Michael Apted run into each other in the bar.


    John: Michael, that was a great speech.

    Michael: Thanks, John. It was nice to be invited to the International Directors’ Forum.

    John: Yes, very nice. I’m running into a lot of old friends here.

    Michael: Speaking of which, I overheard an old friend of yours on the beach earlier.

    John: Oh yes?

    Michael: Tanya. And she was with an old friend of mine, Denise.

    John: Tanya and Denise? That must have been some conversation!

    Michael: It certainly was. Tell me, did you ever hear Tanya say a word like “ephemeral” when she was shooting that Bond film with you?

    John: “Ephemeral”? Are you trying to be funny?

    Michael: Certainly not. How about “dissimulation”?

    John: Definitely not.

    Michael: I thought not. And I also heard Denise saying “unequivocally” and “contemporaneously”.

    John: Are you sure about this? Maybe it was someone else?

    Michael: I’m sure. Seems the two of them were just playing us along, fluttering their pretty eyelashes whenever they thought we expected them to.

    John: But why?

    Michael: It can be very hard for women in our industry. Their beauty is a problem, they worry they won’t be taken seriously so they hide their intelligence to be accepted and not have it taken for arrogance.

    John: That’s very clever, Michael. Did you just think that up?

    Michael: No, it’s from the script of “Casino Royale” but it’s the only explanation I can think of.



  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff
    edited November 2023

    2023. Eon HQ, behind the Miami Body Worlds exhibition. Michael G. Wilson is showing the ropes to his son, Gregg, They have nothing else to do since they're certainly not wasting their time doing anything silly such as making James Bond films.


    Michael gestures expansively in the general direction of the windows.

    Michael:  Someday, son, this will all be yours.

    Gregg: What, the curtains?

    Michael: No, Gregg, not just the curtains. You will take my place in Eon, and I thought this might be an appropriate moment to tell you what your grandfather said to me.

    Gregg: You mean, “That Harry Saltzman is nothing but a pain in the-

    Michael: No, Gregg, not that- although he did say that, and often. He said, one day you will have an actor playing James Bond who has been very successful for the company. He has made several films, and they have been very financially rewarding.

    Gregg: Ah, like Roger Moore.

    Michael: A perfect example. He was signed up initially for three films, then one at a time thereafter for ever-increasing fees.

    Gregg: I see.

    Michael: Cubby was okay at first with giving him more money film by film, but it started to get really out of control.

    Gregg: So what did he do?

    Michael: He started testing other actors- like James Brolin.


    Gregg: And he made sure that Roger knew all about it?

    Michael: Exactly. Roger still got more money, of course, but he now had it in the back of his mind that he could be replaced.

    Gregg: And this is what you did with Daniel Craig?

    Michael: Ah, er, ….

    Gregg: Cos that’s not what Aunt Barbara said.

    Michael: And what does your Aunt Barbara say?

    Gregg: She told me that she said “Please Daniel, please please come back! I’ll give you more money! I’ll give you a co-producer credit! I’ll give you-

    Michael: I think that’s enough now, Gregg.

    Gregg: No, she said she would-

    Michael: I know what she said! Now, about those curtains….

    (I couldn't resist the curtains line.)

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,816Chief of Staff

    And we are back to the “grain of truth” again 🤣🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    Yes, they've still not found the microphone I've hidden in the cupboard where they keep old contracts, forgotten scripts, and any sense of purpose.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff
    edited November 2023

    ****Coming soon****

    It's nearly December, and longtime members know what that means....

    The AJB Christmas Special!

    Yes, once again we've found a use for the jokes found in last year's crackers and recycled them, as well as making up some of our own.

    Brought to you by Number24, CoolHandBond and some other guy it'll be heading your way soon!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    2012. A agent’s office in London. The theatrical kind, as opposed to the secret kind. Rory Kinnear walks in.


    Agent: Rory, my boy, have a seat!

    Rory: (Sitting.) You said you had some news for me?

    Agent: I do indeed, I do indeed. Now, no doubt you will be aware that there is a new James Bond film being made this year?

    Rory: Yes, of course I’m-

    Agent: Well, I’ve managed to secure a part for you in it!

    Rory: Yes, but-

    Agent: Now, you probably won’t have heard of a character called “Bill Tanner” but I’m told that he’s a regular and-

    Rory: I’m Bill Tanner!

    Agent: That’s the spirit! With that kind of positive attitude I’m sure that you can-

    Rory: I’m already Bill Tanner! I was Bill Tanner in the last movie.

    Agent: What, “Kowloon Loft Showcase”?

    Rory: “Quantum Of Solace”.

    Agent: Whatever.

    Rory: I was definitely in that.

    Agent: ….are you sure?

    Rory: Yes! Haven’t you seen it?

    Agent: Well, yes. Were you the guy whose wig falls off when he trips down the stairs?

    Rory: No, of course not- that was Elvis.

    Agent: He looked nothing like Elvis!

    Rory: I was the guy Judi Dench is talking to when Daniel Craig isn’t there.

    Agent: Hmmm, okay, if you say so. (Pause.) Do you want to do it again?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff
    edited December 2023

    2028. The Wright household. Jeffrey is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone (they’re old fashioned, they have a landline).


    Mrs Wright: Oh, sit down, Jeffrey, won’t you?

    Jeffrey: I can’t, I just can’t!

    Mrs Wright: You’re wearing a hole in my beautiful floor with all that pacing up and down.

    Jeffrey: Of course I’m not.

    Mrs Wright: Yes you are- you were six foot when you started pacing, and you’re down to five foot six by now.

    Jeffrey: Nonsense.

    Mrs Wright: Just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of coffee.

    Jeffrey: That’s just it- I can’t sit down, I just can’t!

    Mrs Wright: Look, if they want you they will call you.

    Jeffrey: Of course they will want me- they have to!

    Mrs Wright: Are you sure?

    Jeffrey: They’re finally making a new James Bond film, aren’t they? “Lots Of Time To Live”. I heard about it on the radio.

    Mrs Wright: But even if they are making a new James Bond film, that doesn’t definitely mean that you’ll be in it.

    Jeffrey: Of course I’ll be in it- they need a Felix, don’t they? And I’ve been the most successful and best known Felix Leiter ever!

    Mrs Wright: Of course you have, darling, but you have also got to remember that they killed you in the last movie.

    Jeffrey: Well, all right, but they also killed James Bond and it’s for sure he’ll be back in this new one.

    Mrs Wright: And Felix once got his arms and legs chewed off by a shark.

    Jeffrey: Not all of them, my love, you're exaggerating.

    Mrs Wright: And also, Felix isn’t in every Bond film.

    Jeffrey: I’m sure he’ll be in this one.

    (The telephone rings, and Jeffrey leaps on it instantly.)

    Jeffrey: Hello? …. Yes …. What? …. Yes, of course.

    (He hangs up.)

    Mrs Wright: Well? Was it Barbara Broccoli?

    Jeffrey: No, it wasn’t. I’ve to get ready for the next Batman film, though.

    Mrs Wright: Oh well- maybe you’ll be in the Bond film after this.

    Jeffrey: The one after this? I should live that long!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    2015. The same agent’s office in London.


    Agent: Rory, my boy, have a seat!

    Rory: (Sitting.) You said you had some news for me?

    Agent: I do indeed, I do indeed.

    Rory: And you better not be offering me the part of Bill Tanner in the next James Bond film.

    Agent: (Who was about to do exactly that.) Er… why, no, Rory, whatever would make you think that?

    Rory: Because that’s what you did last time.

    Agent: My boy, would I do a thing like that to you?

    Rory: You would do exactly a thing like that to me. And I already have that part.

    Agent: (Sweating- he’s not Prince Andrew.)  Of course I wouldn’t.

    Rory: Hmph. All right then, what have you got?

    Agent:  Look Rory, I’ve got a great part for you- you’d be working with other James Bond stars like Timothy Dalton and Eva Green.

    Rory: Let me guess- I’d be playing the Frankenstein monster?

    Agent: Why yes, how did you guess?

    Rory: Because I’m already in that show! And do you know what time it is?

    Agent: It’s about 10.30am.

    Rory: Wrong- it’s time I got a new agent!

    (He slams the door on his way out.)


  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    I've been working on the Christmas Special with CoolHandBond and Number24, which will be ready soon, so am taking a break from the Imaginary Conversations. I'm pretty sure they will be back, though I don't know when.

    As ever, if anyone has an idea please feel free to post it. This isn't a closed shop.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    .... and the first installment of the Christmas Special is now ready!

    The AJB007 Christmas Special 2023 — ajb007

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    The second part has just been posted. 😊

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    And the next one, too!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    Scene 5 has now been posted.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,890MI6 Agent
    edited December 2023

    That's right. If you want to read about 007 on new adventures this December you can only get it in AJB007's Christmas Special!

    (AI generated image)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    The penultimate installment is now available....

    The AJB007 Christmas Special 2023 — ajb007

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    And now the last part. Number24, CoolHandBond, and I hope you have enjoyed it!

    The AJB007 Christmas Special 2023 — ajb007

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    Thanks for all the kind comments on the Christmas Special. Just for interest, below is the first draft of the opening scene which was very different in the finished version.

    We open on a sun-drenched beach where a man and woman lying on sun loungers are being served drinks by a strangely dressed little person. However, the man does not have three nipples and a distinct resemblance to Count Dracula while the woman does unfortunately not look like a very sad Maud Adams and the little person is dressed in green. This is the Philippines and here Santa and Mrs Claus are having their well -earned relaxation before the Christmas rush.

    Santa: Elf! Tabasco!

    Elf: Right away, Monsieur Santa Claus.

    (As the elf goes to follow Santa’s bidding, an out-of-place figure arrives unseen on the beach from a small boat. He is dressed in an old-fashioned suit and wearing a fedora, giving him a resemblance to a Chicago gangster of the 1920s. Silently he walks up the beach and enters the cliff house there.)

    Elf: Your steam bath is ready, Monsieur Santa Claus.

    (Why is the elf speaking with a French accent? We never find out, but then we never found out why Nick Nack had one either. Santa gets up and goes through the door to the cliff house. He enters what appears to be a games room. A sudden “click” from a gun alerts him to the presence of the gangster.)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff


    Mallory’s Office. He and M have just had a very unfriendly talk, centring on the word “retirement” to which M has taken great exception. She starts to go.

    Mallory: M ... You’ve had a great run. You should leave with dignity.

    M: Oh, to hell with dignity - I’ll leave when the job’s done.

    Mallory: You’re nearly 80! Do you not think it might be time to quietly fade away into the sunset and leave the job to a younger man… er, person.

    M: Younger man? Now, who would that be?

    Mallory: No, I just-

    M: You mean YOU, don’t you?

    Mallory: Me? I have no ambitions in that direction.

    M: You DO mean you! You want me to retire so you can take over as M!

    Mallory: Now, I never said that.

    M: You don’t have to- it’s written all over your face.

    Mallory: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

    M: Yes you do! Well, I have only one thing to say to you, Colonel Mallory.

    Mallory: And what might that be?

    M: You get this job over my dead body!

    (M stomps out, in her anger not noticing that her bag has mysteriously disappeared.)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    2018. Eon HQ, high atop a building in Shanghai. MGW and BB sit behind a desk as a Prospective Director walks in.


    BB: Ah, sit down, Mr Director.

    Director: Thank you. (He sits.)

    MGW: Now, my sister and I have been looking through your CV and I have to say it’s very impressive.

    Director: Thank you.

    BB: Your most recent film won eight Academy Awards and made over $20,000,000,000 at the box office.

    Director: (Modestly.) Nine Academy Awards, actually.

    MGW: Er… yes, indeed. Now, we’d like to ask you what would be your thoughts regarding a James Bond film should we decide to employ your services.

    Director: I’d like to open the film at some point in the past, shown to the audience in black and white, and-

    BB: No, sorry, we’ve done that.

    Director: Oh, have you?

    MGW: Yes, about ten years ago. What other ideas do you have?

    Director: Well then, how about this- Bond has lost his memory and the whole film takes place backwards as he gradually pieces things together?

    BB: I like that!

    Director: (Happy that they haven’t noticed that this has already been done by Christopher Nolan.) Ah, you like that?

    MGW: Yes, we like that.

    Director: Oh, well then, perhaps we should discuss the shooting schedule next?

    BB: No, there’s one more thing.

    Director: Oh?

    MGW: We have one thing to insist on. It was a condition of... er… one of our associates.

    (BB looks out of the window, smiling wistfully.)

    Director: And what would that be?

    BB: Bond has to die.

    Director: (Not sure he’s heard correctly.) What?

    MGW: James Bond has to die at the end of the film.

    Director: Are you crazy?

    BB: Well, now, I wouldn’t say-

    Director: You two are in charge of the world’s longest running film series, which has been staggeringly successful for more years than most people have been alive, you’ve never had a flop with this character, he can clearly carry on for many more years, and you want to kill him?

    MGW: That’s the one thing we are insisting on.

    Director: Well, you can just find yourself another boy. I absolutely refuse to be involved with such a specious, cheap, shallow, tasteless, superficial, tacky, facile, specious-

    BB: You’ve said “specious” twice.

    Director: It deserves to be said twice! I’m not going to do it.

    MGW: If you’re sure…?

    Director: Of course I’m sure.

    BB: Very well.

    (She presses a button on the arm of her chair. The director’s body jerks as thousands of volts of electricity flow through him. The chair then sinks down, carrying his lifeless body with it, and a new chair rises and replaces it.)

    MGW: Who’s next, Barbara?

    BB: (Examines a list.) Some guy called Cary Joji Fukunaga.

    MGW: Let’s get him in, then. (Presses a button on the intercom.) Show the next one in, please.


  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    1972. James Bond’s apartment. He has been visited early in the morning by M, who has given him instructions, and Miss Moneypenny, who has given him his gadget-packed watch owing to the blasphemous absence of Q from this particular adventure. Now that they have left, he is devoting himself to the attentions of the beautiful Miss Caruso who has been hiding in the wardrobe, and is currently using his magnetic watch to unzip her dress.


    Miss Caruso: Such a delicate touch.

    Bond: Sheer magnetism, darling.

    (Her dress falls to the floor, quickly followed by her pushing off his dressing gown. They kiss and embrace enthusiastically, so enthusiastically that they fail to hear the door opening.)

    M: 007, I also want to- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING????!!!

    (Bond and Miss Caruso speedily grab their garments from the floor and in their haste put the wrong ones on. She still looks very appealing in his dressing gown but he looks utterly ridiculous in her blue dress. Miss Moneypenny has followed M back in, and is fluttering away helplessly behind her boss.)

    Bond: Ah…. Er….Sir, I-

    Moneypenny: Sir, I think what he’s doing is called-

    M: I know what he’s doing, Moneypenny! What I want to know is why he’s doing it now!

    Bond: Well, sir-

    M: And who he’s doing it with! If I’m not mistaken, that would be the missing Miss Caruso, would it not?

    Miss Caruso: Si! Miss Caruso!

    M: And if I am also not mistaken, I asked you, 007, about the present whereabouts of this particular Italian agent not five minutes ago, did I not?

    Bond: (Examining his feet.) Well, sir, I-

    M: Did I NOT???!!!

    Bond: (Very quietly.) Yes, sir.

    M: Your orders are immediately rescinded. 006 will be taking your place on this mission.

    Bond: But sir-

    M: Be quiet, Bond! Report to my office at 10am. That will give me time to decide whether I shall be firing you or merely suspending you for investigation. Do I make myself clear?

    Bond: Yes, sir.

    M: Right, you, Miss Caruso, come along with Miss Moneypenny here. We shall be going straight to the Italian Embassy.

    Miss Caruso: (Eyes wide.) No! Non es possible!

    M: Take her with you, Miss Moneypenny!

    Moneypenny: Yes, sir.

    (Delicately she takes the girl’s arm.)

    M: And Bond…?

    Bond: (Chagrined.) Yes, sir?

    M: Take off that outlandish dress and put on a suit before you report to me.

    (Bond looks down and suddenly realises what he’s been wearing.)

    Bond: Oh, God….

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,450MI6 Agent

    Bond 26 may well be wearing a dress, Barbel!

    Very good 😁😁😁

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    Thank you! 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    Warning- spoilers below for those who haven’t read this novel.


    1982. Jonathan Cape, publishers. John Gardner walks in.


    Publisher: Ah, John, have a seat.

    Gardner: Thank you. (Sits.)

    Publisher: Now, we’ve all been very pleased here with your first James Bond novel, “Licence Revoked.”

    Gardner: That’s “Licence Renewed”.

    Publisher: Yes, of course it is.  “Revoked” would be a silly title, might make people think it’s about a driving licence!

    Gardner: Some people, anyway.

    Publisher: And of course, we want to talk to you about a sequel. You were planning on writing another, weren’t you?

    Gardner: Of course, it’s in my contract.

    Publisher:  Well, do you have any ideas?

    Gardner: I thought setting the story in the USA might be a good idea.

    Publisher: How so?

    Gardner: Two reasons, mainly. Firstly, Fleming set most of his second Bond novel in the States.

    Publisher: That’s good thinking.

    Gardner: And secondly I thought it might help with sales over there.

    Publisher: That’s very good thinking.

    Gardner: Also I thought we might like to subtly allude to the passage of time since the whole Bond saga began.

    Publisher: Now, you know we wanted you to update the Bond character without making him any older.

    Gardner: Yes, I know, but I did say I would do it subtly. I’m thinking of having Bond meet the children of Fleming characters.

    Publisher: Oh yes?

    Gardner: For example, rather than us having Felix Leiter there yet again- well, perhaps a cameo appearance might be alright- Bond could meet his daughter and she would be this story’s leading lady.

    Publisher: Felix’s daughter, eh?

    Gardner: And then there’s Blofeld.

    Publisher: Blofeld’s dead, John. Fleming had Bond strangle him to death in “You Only Live Twice” many years ago.

    Gardner: Of course, but Fleming never said that Blofeld didn’t have children.

    Publisher:  Hmmm… you’re right, he didn’t come right out and say that although he did make it appear very unlikely that he did.

    Gardner: Unlikely, yes, but not impossible.

    Publisher: So, Blofeld has a son who Bond meets-

    Gardner: I never said a son, did I?

    Publisher:  Oh! A daughter, just like Felix!

    Gardner: That’s what I’m thinking of.

    Publisher: John, that’s a superb idea! Go for it!

    Gardner: I do have to give her some sort of physical abnormality, though.

    Publisher: What do you mean?

    Gardner: Like Scaramanga having three nipples, for example.

    Publisher: You weren’t thinking about giving her three breasts, were you?

    Gardner: No, not that. I’m sure an idea will come to me, though.

    Publisher: And what about James Bond himself, do you have any ideas for developing his character?

    Gardner: No, I’m planning to keep him as Fleming initially conceived of him- a man who is only @Silhouette Man

  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,722MI6 Agent

    Great stuff, @Barbel. Some nice subtle little jokes in there! 😀

    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    Thanks, I hoped you'd like that @Silhouette Man 🙂

  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,722MI6 Agent
    edited January 8

    Yes, I did. I think I said on the Gardner Roundtable Spybrary podcast episode that For Special Services was a bit like James Bond: The Next Generation with both Leiter's and Blofeld's daughters featuring! It's definitely one of Gardner's maddest and most memorable Bond novels.

    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,631Chief of Staff

    Well, that calls for another...

    1983. Jonathan Cape, publishers. John Gardner enters.


    Publisher: Ah John, a pleasure to see you. Have a seat.

    Gardner: Thank you. (Sits.)

    Publisher: Care for a drink? Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet, shaken -

    Gardner: Wrong author, my friend. I’ll just have a cup of coffee.

    Publisher: Oh, of course.

    Gardner: Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?

    Publisher: Well, as you know your last Bond novel “For Special Services” has sold very well and we are very pleased about that.

    Gardner: Me too.

    Publisher: Yes, of course. Anyway, we wanted to discuss your next one.

    Gardner: Now, I have been giving that some thought.

    Publisher: And?

    Gardner: I’m thinking about doing something with the characters.

    Publisher: Such as?

    Gardner: How does this sound to you? Someone who we’ve been thinking is on Bond’s side turns out to be working for the villains, and someone working for the villains turns out to be on Bond’s side.

    Publisher: Well, I suppose-

    Gardner: Only it’s the same character!

    Publisher: Er…

    Gardner: And everyone has two different names, which I will use at seeming random to confuse the reader!

    Publisher: John, I don’t-

    Gardner: And sometimes a character we thought was good turns out to be bad only to turn out to be good again once I’ve got Bond into a situation he can’t possibly escape from and this is the only way I can get him out of it!

    Publisher: Look, John-

    Gardner: And of course I can do it the other way round, as well- someone we thought to be bad turns out to be good only to turn out to be bad later on.

    Publisher: JOHN!

    Gardner: Oh, yes, got a bit carried away there.

    Publisher: Listen to me, John. That sort of totally confusing mixture of double agents, triple agents, and double triple agents isn’t usually what people sign up for when they want to buy a James Bond book.

    Gardner: No?

    Publisher: Of course not. They want beautiful girls, exotic locations, evil villains, dangerous chases, tough henchmen, and so on.

    Gardner: Fleming had double agents, too.

    Publisher: Yes, he did, but only once or twice. You’re taking it to extremes.

    Gardner: Oh.

    Publisher: But clearly you’ve invested a lot of time and thought into this so I’m going to agree.

    Gardner: Ah, thank you.

    Publisher: But just this once.

    Gardner: That’s all right with me.

    Publisher: Now, just this once, remember?

    Gardner: Of course. Just this once….

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,816Chief of Staff

    Up to the usual standard @Barbel 👏🏻🍸

    Does sound like a Monty Python sketch in the making 🤣

    YNWA 97
  • Silhouette ManSilhouette Man The last refuge of a scoundrelPosts: 8,722MI6 Agent

    Another great one, @Barbel! "Just this once...". Scout's honour! 😀

    "The tough man of the world. The Secret Agent. The man who was only a silhouette." - Ian Fleming, Moonraker (1955).
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