2012. Houses of Parliament. A Minister
sits in her office, going over her daily deadly diary with her PPS (Parliamentary Private Secretary).
Minister: … so this afternoon I’m at a Court of Inquiry, then, Bernard?
PPS Yes, Minister.
Minister: And this will be with…?
PPS: The head of the Secret Service, ma’am.
Minister: Oh! That M woman. Good, I’ve been wanting to cut her down to size for years.
PPS: This leaves the morning free, Minister.
Minister: Then I shall do the rounds of the media. First, I’ll give a speech to the radio stations about the problem of the homeless.
PPS: Wouldn’t they have more than one problem?
Minister: I don’t care about their problems, I mean the problem they pose. All those tents under bridges and on spare patches of land- I’m going to make a speech about taking their tents away from them and preventing charities giving them more.
PPS: Don’t you think that might be seen as a bit cruel and heartless?
Minister: If they want to be homeless that’s their choice- their lifestyle choice.
Minister: Then an article for “The Times” about those small boats that keep crossing the Channel. We have to stop them. Now, I’ve had a word with the Royal Navy-
PPS: (Begins to panic.) But Minister-
Minister: - and they say they can’t just blow them out of the water (The PPS relaxes, slightly.), so I’ll have to blame it all on France.
PPS: Minister I-
Minister: Then the TV stations. Make sure they know that I think the police are all biased and I’ll be taking personal charge of stopping all protest marches. If I keep up like this, who knows? Maybe in about ten years I might be Home Secretary.
(The PPS’s mouth opens but no sound comes out.)
Minister: Anything to say, Bernard?
PPS: Oh no, Minister. To comment on that would take a much
Nice pun - I think 😵💫🤣
Another imaginary conversation that harks back to the opening line of this thread 🤨👀
Yes, things have taken a distressing turn to the realistic lately. I hope that tomorrow we can return to fantasy.
(I hope nobody thinks I'm actually deciding what to write about. It's pretty much stream of consciousness.)
2006. The household of Lee Tamahori. Lee paces up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
Mrs Tamahori: Oh, sit down, Lee, why don’t you?
Lee: I can’t, I just can’t.
Mrs Tamahori: Look, just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of whatever it is that New Zealanders like to drink.
Lee: A cup of whatever it is that New Zealanders like to drink? I can’t think of a cup of whatever it is that New Zealanders like to drink at a time like this!
Mrs Tamahori: Listen to me, if they want you, they’ll phone you.
Lee: They’ve got to want me! Didn’t I make the movie with the invisible car?
Mrs Tamahori: Yes….
Lee: And the one with James Bond sailing over icebergs in a scene of breathtaking realism?
Mrs Tamahori: Yes, that was you.
Lee: So how can they not want me for the next film?
Mrs Tamahori: Maybe they just want something different for the next film.
Lee: Something different?
Mrs Tamahori: Yes, have you seen the actor they’ve picked for James Bond?
Lee: Hmm, that’s “something different” all right.
Mrs Tamahori: Yes, certainly. Now will you please sit down and give it a rest?
Lee: Yes, my love, of course.
(Lee sits down.)
Mrs Tamahori: Now, where did I put that nice floral dress….?
Lee: (Quickly leaps to his feet.) Er, yes, If they don’t phone me then I’m just going to have to phone them!
Mrs Tamahori: Oh, must you?
Lee: Yes, I must. (Dials.) Hello? Eon Productions?.... Could I speak to Michael or Barbara please…. Yes, it’s Lee Tama- hello? Hello? …. Hello?
It's a little known fact that security on all the Craig Bond movies were equiped with dart guns in case Lee Tamahori got near the production. We don't really know if there was some knockout agent or some chemical borrowed from the Russians on the darts.
It's truly scrumpt- er, amazing what you can learn from imaginary facts
In this case I didn't need to use my imagination very much.
1981. Eon HQ, inside what appears to be a fishing ship in the Aegean Sea. Cubby Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are bringing in a prospective screenwriter.
MGW: Come in, Mr Cameron, please take a seat.
Cameron: Thank you. Call me James.
Cubby: A name with which we’re very familiar. We asked you to write a screenplay for us having seen your film “Piranha II- The Spawning”.
MGW: James Bond has had piranha in his films before, you see.
Cameron: Yes, I saw that one.
Cubby: Well, Michael and I have read through your screenplay and it is very interesting.
Cameron: That’s good.
MGW: There is one thing, though. This is very definitely a science fiction script. Now we know that our last movie “Moonraker” might have appeared to be science fiction but really it was-
Cubby: Science fact!
Cameron: Ah, yes.
MGW: Now your plot- that’s a good plot, about an unstoppable robot being sent back from the future to kill the mother of a future resistance leader before she gives birth to him, but we don’t think it’s a James Bond plot.
Cameron: But Bond would have to defend the woman, Sarah, and the two could fall in love and he ends up fathering the future resistance leader.
Cubby: I’m going to stop you right there. No way does James Bond father any children. Right, Michael?
MGW: (Fingers crossed under the table.) Oh yes, Cubby, definitely not.
Cubby: And it might be difficult to find the right actor to play this robot- I mean, you want stiff acting, monotone voice, and a muscular physique. That’s going to be hard to find.
Cameron: Er, no, I think I have the perfect man for it.
MGW: Still, Cubby and I don’t think that this is the direction we want to go in after “Moonraker”. We want James Bond brought back down to Earth- we have been thinking about a ship sinking with some top-secret technology on board, which Bond has to recover before the Russians get there first.
Cameron: Ship sinking, you say? I have an idea about that, too…..
Very good 😁😁😁
Thanks CHB 🙂
1985. Eon HQ, underneath a horse stable in France. Cubby Broccoli is talking with Vic Armstrong, representing the stuntmen.
Cubby: So what was it you wanted to talk about?
Vic: Well, it’s like this, Cubby- on “Moonraker” me and the boys were doubling for James Bond about 10% of the time. In the next film that was 20%, then in the last one 30%.
Cubby: Yeah, I know.
Vic: In this one “A View To A Kill” that figure has gone up to 51%.
Cubby: No, that isn’t right.
Vic: I’ve checked, reel by reel. It’s now over half, 51%.
Cubby: Well, what of it?
Vic: The boys have been talking, and we reckon that we need a bigger fee.
Cubby: A bigger fee? How much did you have in mind?
Vic: Since we’re playing James Bond in over half the film, we think we should be appropriately recompensed with over half of whatever you’re paying Roger Moore.
Cubby: (Spits out the coffee he had been drinking.) What???
Vic: It’s only right.
Cubby: I knew that this would happen after you went to work on that “Indiana Jones” movie.
Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Harrison Ford- all that has gone to your head!
Vic: I really don’t know what you mean, Cubby.
Cubby: Back when you first joined us you were happy just to slide down a rope inside a volcano
while firing a gun for basic scale plus a cup of tea and a biscuit. Now look at you!
Vic: Nevertheless, I’ve given you our position.
Cubby: Now as I understand it, your position is based on your assertion that you and the other stunt guys are playing James Bond in just over half of the movie?
Vic: That’s right.
Cubby: Well knowing you were coming here I did some checking of my own. You forgot to include the gunbarrel
and the credits sequence. Now you can clearly see Roger in those, can’t you?
Vic: Well, yes, I suppose so…
Cubby: And that brings your figure down to below 50%. Thanks Vic, nice talking to you.
Just 51% you say?
One can never be certain. ..
The Diary of Marc-Ange Draco.
I thought this day would never arrive! My daughter Teresa is to marry James Bond! I had asked him earlier if he would marry her if I gave him a personal dowry of one million pounds, but he refused saying jokingly that he wanted £1.25 million plus £10,000 per week overtime plus financing for two films of his own choosing. At least, I think he was joking.
Teresa is very happy, which of course makes me very happy. I am very pleased with James. He tells me that he is half Scottish and half Swiss, but I am not sure about that at all. Not with that accent he isn’t. Maybe Welsh but moved to England when young?
We have decided we are going to have the wedding at my place in Portugal. It is the only place where there will be enough room to accommodate all the guests. The guests are mainly being invited by Teresa and me. James is only wanting three people that he works with. That accent is still worrying me- maybe Irish? It is so difficult for a Corsican to distinguish between all those different English-speaking accents.
Teresa is radiant, so beautiful. They are going to depart the wedding in James’s car. It is an Aston Martin, and I examined it carefully. I do not want my daughter being ejected from the car because her new husband pressed the wrong button.
Maybe a London accent? It is a big place and I do not know all the accents.
Such a happy day! All our friends were there, plus those of James as well. I had a pleasant chat with Sir Miles, James’s boss. I think James wanted me to just call him “M” but I know perfectly well that his name is Admiral Sir Miles Messervy. His other two friends were a Major Boothroyd and a lady called Miss Moneypenny who wouldn’t stop crying. I tried to give James the money we had discussed but he refused.
Finally I have it- New Zealand!
🤣 super 🍸
Thanks, @Sir Miles, I thought you'd like that one.
Written by Bride of Barbel
2023. Eon HQ, behind the Kremlin. Casting Director Debbie McWilliams is mid-plead with Barbara and Michael.
Debbie: ….but, please, just make some sort of announcement soon! My telephone has been ringing non-stop for months- no, make that years!
BB: Surely it can’t be that bad?
Debbie: Yes it can, and don’t call me Shirley. (Okay, I added that one- Barbel)
MGW: Young Gregg just told the press we weren’t doing anything at the moment.
Debbie: You don’t think they believe that, do you? Bond stories sell. Hardly a day passes without some newspaper, TV programme, or whatever, running a headline about who’s favourite to be the next James Bond.
BB: So who’s phoning you, then?
Debbie: Oh, all kinds- starting with George Lazenby.
MGW: George? But he’s older than I am, he must be 83 or 84 by now.
Debbie: Doesn’t stop him. And he keeps sending me all these bunches of flowers and boxes of chocolates.
BB: Oh, is he still doing that? Dad told me once that he did that all the time in the 60s.
Debbie: He’s still doing it in his 80s.
MGW: Who else is calling you?
Debbie: Oh, the usual suspects- Idris Elba, Aidan Turner, and so on.
BB: Look, Debbie, we’d love to help you, really we would, but we’re on strike.
MGW: Yes, the producers’ strike, haven’t you heard?
Debbie: But that doesn’t make any sense! I mean, what would you be striking for?
BB: Nevertheless, that’s the way it is.
Debbie: Oh, well…
(Debbie leaves, despondent. MGW waits until the sound of her footsteps has disappeared down the corridor then turns happily to his sister.)
MGW: See, I told you it would work!
Now we see where the real talent lies 🤨🤣
The (brain) power behind the trone! 😁
Thanks, guys, there has never really been any doubt though. 🙂
The diary of Baron Samedi.
Mwa-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Mwa-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Mwa-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Mwa-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
(I'm interested to see if anyone spots the Easter Egg)
The signature ?
No, not that. It's something that once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Nobody spotted that the third picture is not of Geoffrey Holder- it's a plastic model.
For those wondering what Baron Samedi got up to after LALD, have a look at this-
I did glance at them but it was the markings on the wall that caught my eye but couldn’t fathom anything out from that - seems obvious now though with the model.
Like I said, once you see it you can't unsee it! 😁
1966. Eon HQ, below a chess game in Venice. Cubby and Harry have a visitor.
Harry: So, what is it we can do for you, Mr Metal?
Mattel: That’s Mattel, not Metal.
Harry: Oh, sorry.
Mattel: You have the rights to this character, James Pond-
Cubby: That’s Bond, not Pond.
Mattel: Oh, sorry. This character is very popular right now, in fact I don’t think I would be far wrong in saying that he’s the most popular fictional character in the world at the moment.
Cubby: You would not be wrong.
Mattel: Films, books, everything. In fact, I believe you have a contract with the toy makers Corgi who are producing a model version of the Aston Martin DB5 which Bond drives…?
Harry: That’s no secret.
Mattel: And this has been very, very successful. Very large numbers have been sold.
Cubby: (Not giving anything away.) If you say so.
Mattel: Oh, as Mr Saltzman said, that’s no secret.
Harry: So, what is it we can do for you, Mr Met- er, Mattel??
Mattel: I would think that you want to expand your merchandising in that area.
Cubby: What, toys? We already have contracts with a dozen companies making different Bond toys all over the world.
Mattel: True, but we have the most popular fictional toy character in the world.
Harry: G.I. Joe?
Mattel: Even more popular than G.I. Joe. We have the one toy which girls all over the world want, the one toy they all ask for, the one toy they all play with.
Cubby: You don’t mean…?
Mattel: (Very calmly.) We have Barbie.
Harry: You want to make a James Bond doll to team up with Barbie? Wouldn’t Ken get rather jealous?
Mattel: It’s a thought, but our plans are bigger. We want to make Barbie into a movie star and have her play the female lead in the next James Bond film.
Cubby: You what?
Mattel: (Patiently.) We want to-
Cubby: No, no, I heard you. I just couldn’t believe it.
Mattel: You have to consider the advantages. You’ll be tapping your character into a market he doesn’t normally appeal to and-
Harry: I don’t think we need go any further.
Cubby: We’ve heard enough. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Mattel: Wait, hear me out- we can make a crossover doll- call it Bondie!
Harry/Cubby: (Together.) Out!
(The Mattel representative leaves, rather angrily.)
Harry: Did you ever hear such rubbish?
Cubby: Yeah, total rubbish. Barbie in the movies? It’ll never happen.
Please be careful what you write, Barbel - Barbie in a Bond movie could come true 😳
If it hasn’t already 👀
Oh, surely not!
1964. James Bond’s flat, in Chelsea. Bond is in the kitchen, making coffee, when there is a knock on the door. He goes over and opens it, to find…
Sylvia: (Marching straight in.) Sylvia it most certainly is, James Bond!
Bond: And, er, what can I do for you? (Hurriedly adding.) Not that I’m not pleased to see you, of course, it’s always a pleasure.
Sylvia: What can you do for me? I think it’s a bit late saying that, it’s more what you’ve done for me.
Bond: (Nervously.) Er, what? I don’t under-
Sylvia: Oh, I think you do understand all right. It’s something important. Something very, very important.
(She stares at him significantly.)
Bond: What? What do you…. Oh, you don’t mean you… You don’t mean you’re…
Sylvia: I most certainly am! Remember when we were punting by the river and you got a call? You said you were “looking up an old case”?
Bond: Yes, of course.
Sylvia: Have you tried counting how many months ago that was? Because I most certainly have!
(There is another knock on the door.)
Bond: (Relieved at the slight break.) Just one moment, please, Sylvia.
Sylvia: All right, but be quick about it.
(Bond opens the door, to reveal…)
Tania: (Entering.) Hello, James, I have something important to discuss with you.
Bond: Er, yes, well…
Tania: (Spotting Sylvia.) And who is this?
Sylvia: Who am I? I, young lady, am his girlfriend. Isn’t that right, James?
Tania: Girlfriend? But you said… Oh, this is not kulturny!
James: Now, Tania, please-
Tania: I have come over here because I must tell you something important. Something very, very important.
(She rubs her belly.)
Bond: You know where another Lektor machine is?
Tania: No, James, I am going to have your baby!
Sylvia: What????? James, how could you? Is this true?
(From the bedroom, a voice calls.)
Voice: James, what’s going on? I need to tell you something important. Something very, very important.
James: Just wait right now, Pussy, I’ll be with you shortly.
(There is another knock on the door. A voice speaks from outside.)
Voice: James? James? It’s Honey, Honey from Jamaica. I have to discuss something with you, something very very important.
Baby: Wah! Wah!
Honey: Hush, my darling, Mummy will be with you in a moment.
(The telephone rings. Bond dives for it, grateful to break the increasing tension.)
Moneypenny: (On phone.) Oh hello, James.
Bond: Moneypenny! Am I glad to hear you! Does M want me straight away? Have I to go to Mexico, or Cuba, or somewhere else exotic?
Moneypenny: No, this is just between us. I have to tell you something important. Something very, very important….