Reports have been coming in about an incident at Westminster Bridge, very near the Houses Of Parliament. A small helicopter has crashed into the bridge, after apparently being shot down by a bullet from a handgun- possibly a Walther PPK, although that has as yet been unconfirmed. The unlikeliness of a single bullet from a handgun achieving such a feat has been remarked on by several commentators.
Traffic in both directions on the bridge was halted by military and police personnel in an unfeasibly short space of time. When asked for comment, an official who had identified himself as “Mallory. Double O Section” said… (continued on Page 6).
Reports have been coming in that historic Skyfall, a mansion near Glencoe, has been totally destroyed in a mysterious incident last night. Home of the renowned Bond family for many years, the mansion had been lying empty for some time and at the moment an insurance scam is being suspected.
Adjacent to the smoking ruins were the remains of a luxury car, although only the steering wheel could be salvaged. Our reporter managed to speak with long-term employee Mr Kincade, who said… (continued on page 6)
1962: Wonderful news today! Sean has got the part he had been hoping for. We’re thrilled. It looks like this is going to be a series, so steady work at last. We’re going out for dinner tonight. Smoked salmon and steamed spuds then strawberry sorbet for me. Sean just ordered a chop with chips.
1963: I could get used to this- last time we were in Jamaica, now we’re in Istanbul. More reporters than last time, though.
1964: Switzerland is gorgeous, I could just take photographs of the scenery all day. Sean is very pleased with the car he’ll be driving. We went for a spin in it and I told him that the hairpiece that Harry and Cubby have insisted he wears makes him look very silly. He didn’t say anything, just fondled the top of the gearstick.
1965: I could get to like the Bahamas very much, if it wasn’t for the small army of reporters who are following Sean around. Honestly, we get no privacy at all. He said that he’d complained to Cubby and Harry, but was told that there’s not much he can do.
1967: These reporters are becoming ridiculous. When we got off the plane the flashlights were sparkling like a fireworks display. They kept yelling “Mr Bond!” and “Bondsan!” and I could see that Sean was becoming very angry. They were also disappointed that he wasn’t wearing that damned wig or a tuxedo. Later on, one of them even followed Sean into the bathroom and climbed over the top of the cubicle, trying to get a picture! I don’t think that photographer realised how lucky he was that Sean’s hands were busy.
Cubby was very angry about this and promised to speak to them. I asked him later how that had gone, but he only changed the subject and asked if I could swim.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,763Chief of Staff
I love reading these - all are of an amazingly high standard 🍸🤣
I've been more than once accused in this thread of having a microphone inside Eon HQ, but that's the first time I've been accused of having one in Heaven!
1985. Set of “A View To a Kill”. Director John Glen and star Roger Moore are chatting.
Roger: I’ve been thinking, John, too many people are saying that I’m relying too much on the stuntmen in these films.
John: Oh yes?
Roger: One critic even joked that the titles should read “Roger Moore and His Stuntmen as James Bond 007”!
John: Ah, I saw that one. Very unfair, I thought.
Roger: Nevertheless, I have come to a decision. I would like to rely less on the stuntmen for this film.
John: Are you sure, Roger? I mean, no offence, but you’re not a boy anymore.
Roger: Nearly 60 is what you mean. Yes, I’d like to try doing some more myself. Tell me, what’s on the schedule for today?
John: (Looks at his clipboard.) Let me see now… today we’re shooting on the Eiffel Tower. James Bond is running up and then down the stairs.
Roger: Well, let’s begin there. I’d like to try that myself, doesn’t sound too difficult. What’s on for tomorrow?
John: Tomorrow we’re in San Francisco. Bond is hanging onto a rope beneath an airship as it flies over the city and out to the Golden Gate.
Roger: Right. I’ll do that.
John: (A bit worried.) It’s pretty dangerous, Roger. I can’t take the chance on you hurting yourself and filming being stopped. Cubby would never allow it.
Roger: Let’s just… not tell him. Keep it between ourselves until he sees the film, when it will be too late to do anything about it.
John: (Still doubtful.) Well… all right. Then the next day you’re escaping the burning city hall, climbing down a ladder with the leading lady on your back screaming “James! Help me, James!” over and over.
Roger: Oh yes, that part. Just give me some earplugs and I’ll manage it. Don’t worry.
John: If you are certain, Roger.
Roger: (Firmly.) I’m certain. Next?
John: The next day is your bed scene with Grace Jones.
(Silence.)
John: Roger?
Roger: (Slowly.) You know, John, perhaps I was a bit hasty. Maybe I should think about all those poor stuntmen who’re not getting any work if I start doing all those stunts myself.
John: Right, Roger. As you say.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,763Chief of Staff
Thank you, that's very kind. More may turn up later, but meanwhile.....
1987. Eon HQ, inside an enormous airship. On the side of it is the word “Zorin” then in smaller print “Neither the name “Zorin” nor any other name or character is meant to portray a real company or actual person”. Cubby Broccoli sits behind a desk, chatting with MGW and BB. The telephone rings.
Secretary: (On phone.) A Miss Jones for you, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Miss Jones? Have I met Miss Jones?
Secretary: Miss Grace Jones, sir.
Cubby: Oh, God! Tell her I’m out of town- tell her you can’t find me!
Secretary: Er…. too late.
(The door opens and Grace Jones walks in, dressed in leopardskin trousers no-one can be sure didn’t come from actual leopards she caught herself, a leather Stetson, and two very strategically placed sapphires.)
Grace: Mr Broccoli!
MGW: Ah, he’s busy right-
Grace: Quiet, you! I didn’t come here to talk to the monkey, I want to speak with the organgrinder.
Cubby: (Hiding behind his family as best he can.) Wh… What can I help you with, Grace?
Grace: It’s more a matter of what I can help you with. And who’s this girl here?
BB: (Swallowing hard.) Er, It’s Barbara, Miss Jones, you remember that we met while making “A View To A-
Grace: Oh, yes. (Proceeds to ignore BB entirely from this point on.) Now, I have come here to help you with the problem that you have found yourselves with.
Cubby: Problem?
Grace: Yes, the big problem in front of you right now. Roger Moore has retired from the part of James Bond, has he not?
Cubby: Well, yes, but-
Grace: And not a moment too soon if you ask me. 85 was pushing it a bit.
Cubby: Actually you’ve got that the wrong way round, he was only 58.
Grace: Ah, potato potahto tomato tomahto. This obviously means you’re looking for a new 007, are you not?
Cubby: Of course.
Grace: You can look no further. I am standing right here in front of you.
(BB and MGW’s jaws hit the floor in perfect sync. Cubby being an old hand manages to keep himself together.)
Cubby: I see. Well, it’s very kind of you to come up with this idea, Grace, please let us have some discussion on it and we’ll get back to you.
Grace: Oh, I get it. You think 007 shouldn’t be a woman. You think 007 shouldn’t be of colour. And a woman of colour is completely out of the question, eh?
Cubby: Now, Grace, it’s-
Grace: I have given you the opportunity! Now the ball is in your court!
(She sweeps out of the room. Michael and Barbara, who have been tightly cuddling each other in fear, relax.)
BB: She’s gone!
Cubby: And not a moment too soon. What a terrible idea, anyway.
Thanks, Sir M, and at this point I'd like to mention my sounding board, editor, frequent idea source and occasional silent co-author BRIDE OF BARBEL. She sees these first- often we read them aloud, taking parts as if we were reading a play. That's particularly fun when it's the "someone is waiting for a phone call" series 😁. This has the purpose of spotting typos, avoiding repetition, adding last minute lines, and avoiding repetition.
She's also good at telling me when enough is enough, so the horoscope one will be stopping soon (I reckon I can do one more) but first, someone is waiting for a phone call....
2012. Whitehall. M is facing a row of officials, led by a rather inimical Minister. Tanner sits beside her.
M: Just one more thing to say. My late husband was a great lover of poetry, and, em, I suppose some of it sunk in, despite my best intentions. And here today, I remember this, I think, from Tennyson. (Reads.) Six eggs, 2 litres milk, bread…. Tanner!
Tanner: (Who had been staring vacantly into space.) Yes, ma’am?
M: This is your shopping list! Where’s the poem?
Tanner: Poem?
M: Yes, you fool, the poem I told you I wanted to read!
Minister: (Totally false concern.) Oh dear, it seems you have made yet another mistake.
M: No, please, just one moment. (Hisses to Tanner.) Look in that briefcase!
Tanner: (Looking through briefcase.) Ah, is this it?
M: (Snatching the proffered paper.) Let me see!
Minister: (Dripping hostility.) Are you finally ready?
M: Yes, ma’am. (Reads.) This is the end. Close your eyes and count to ten. Feel the earth move and then hear my heart burst again.
Tanner: (Whispering.) Is that it?
M: No, it’s Adele’s lyrics- but this lot will never know the difference.
Thank you, gentlemen, and for N24 here's some behind-the-scenes stuff from "Problem Of Shoelace"-
2008. Excerpt from the diary of Marc Forster.
Monday: It seems there’s a writers’ strike on and only certain people are allowed to contribute to the shooting script. One would be Daniel Craig, and another is me. I’ve never done this before, I’m pretty nervous.
Tuesday: This writing lark is easier than I thought it would be. Just come up with a couple of lines of dialogue then write “Chase scene follows”. Repeat until we’ve filled an hour and a half, or as close as dammit. No worries. Daniel asked if there might be any problems with the chase scenes, and I told him not to worry. I can fix them in the editing, and in fact I already have a few ideas there.
Wednesday: Daniel has just been told that Tom Cruise did all his own stunts for the latest “Mission Impossible” movie so he told me that from now on he wants to do all his himself too, because “I can’t have Cruise looking down his nose at me next time we meet. Well, up his nose actually, I’m not that short but you know what I mean.”
Thursday: Daniel began to be not so sure about the stunts thing when he read today’s schedule. Apparently Bond and Camille fall out of a plane without a parachute, and only manage to get a ‘chute opened about six inches from the ground. Well, he was gulping a lot but wasn’t going to back down. Here goes!
Friday: It seems there’s a limit on how many scenes our star can be in with two broken legs, so I’m going to concentrate on car scenes where he’s either the driver or a passenger until he can walk again. Anything not to hold up the schedule.
You have to use your imagination sometimes, Barbel! It was okay when you just transcribed your surveilance tapes, but now you're just typing down what people say in your living room (or as they say it in German - lebensraum) ........
Comments
2015
HELICOPTER CRASHES INTO WESTMINSTER BRIDGE
Reports have been coming in about an incident at Westminster Bridge, very near the Houses Of Parliament. A small helicopter has crashed into the bridge, after apparently being shot down by a bullet from a handgun- possibly a Walther PPK, although that has as yet been unconfirmed. The unlikeliness of a single bullet from a handgun achieving such a feat has been remarked on by several commentators.
Traffic in both directions on the bridge was halted by military and police personnel in an unfeasibly short space of time. When asked for comment, an official who had identified himself as “Mallory. Double O Section” said… (continued on Page 6).
---------------------------------------------------------
In Other News
Loud bang heard near Vauxhall Cross…..…. Page 3
Sack and broken zip ties found in street..…. Page 4
Deceased C seems seen.................................... Page 5
2012
INVERNESS COURIER
Well known mansion house totally destroyed
Reports have been coming in that historic Skyfall, a mansion near Glencoe, has been totally destroyed in a mysterious incident last night. Home of the renowned Bond family for many years, the mansion had been lying empty for some time and at the moment an insurance scam is being suspected.
Adjacent to the smoking ruins were the remains of a luxury car, although only the steering wheel could be salvaged. Our reporter managed to speak with long-term employee Mr Kincade, who said… (continued on page 6)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Other News
Loud music reported coming from the sky over local villages…………….. Page 3
Man survives sub-zero swim without slightest trace of hypothermia…. Page 4
Elderly gamekeeper seeks new position…………………………….………………..Page 5
Excerpts from the diary of Diane Cilento
1962: Wonderful news today! Sean has got the part he had been hoping for. We’re thrilled. It looks like this is going to be a series, so steady work at last. We’re going out for dinner tonight. Smoked salmon and steamed spuds then strawberry sorbet for me. Sean just ordered a chop with chips.
1963: I could get used to this- last time we were in Jamaica, now we’re in Istanbul. More reporters than last time, though.
1964: Switzerland is gorgeous, I could just take photographs of the scenery all day. Sean is very pleased with the car he’ll be driving. We went for a spin in it and I told him that the hairpiece that Harry and Cubby have insisted he wears makes him look very silly. He didn’t say anything, just fondled the top of the gearstick.
1965: I could get to like the Bahamas very much, if it wasn’t for the small army of reporters who are following Sean around. Honestly, we get no privacy at all. He said that he’d complained to Cubby and Harry, but was told that there’s not much he can do.
1967: These reporters are becoming ridiculous. When we got off the plane the flashlights were sparkling like a fireworks display. They kept yelling “Mr Bond!” and “Bondsan!” and I could see that Sean was becoming very angry. They were also disappointed that he wasn’t wearing that damned wig or a tuxedo. Later on, one of them even followed Sean into the bathroom and climbed over the top of the cubicle, trying to get a picture! I don’t think that photographer realised how lucky he was that Sean’s hands were busy.
Cubby was very angry about this and promised to speak to them. I asked him later how that had gone, but he only changed the subject and asked if I could swim.
I love reading these - all are of an amazingly high standard 🍸🤣
Thank you, Sir M, but as time goes on the reject pile gets higher and the success rate gets slower.
2008. The Kinnear household. Rory comes home.
Rory: Hi honey, I’m home.
Mrs Kinnear: Hello darling, how are you?
Rory: I’m fine- better than fine, actually. You’ll never guess what!
Mrs Kinnear: No, tell me.
Rory: I’m in the next James Bond film!
Mrs Kinnear: Oh, that’s wonderful! You’ve always wanted to be in a Bond film. Are you James Bond?
Rory: No, of course not, that’s Daniel Craig.
Mrs Kinnear: Well, are you the villain?
Rory: No, I’m-
Mrs Kinnear: You’re M! You’re a bit young for the part, but-
Rory: No, I’m not M.
Mrs Kinnear: You must be Q! Giving him all those exciting cars and gadgets!
Rory: No, I’m not Q.
Mrs Kinnear: Well, who are you, then?
Rory: I’m Bill Tanner.
Mrs Kinnear: Bill Tanner?
Rory: Yes, the Chief of Staff at MI6.
Mrs Kinnear: I'm struggling to remember.
Rory: He has been in a few of the films before, you know.
Mrs Kinnear: Well I don’t remember him.
Rory: Now that I’m playing him, you will!
-------------------------------------------------------------
2012. The Kinnear household. Rory comes home.
Rory: Hi honey, I’m home.
Mrs Kinnear: Hello darling, how are you?
Rory: I’ve just had some good news, they’re wanting me for the new James Bond film.
Mrs Kinnear: Oh darling, that’s wonderful! You’ve always wanted to be in a Bond film.
Rory: I was in the last one, you know.
Mrs Kinnear: You were?
Rory: Yes, I was playing Bill Tanner.
Mrs Kinnear: Bill Tanner?
Rory: Yes, you watched it with me. I was the guy talking to Judi Dench, remember?
Mrs Kinnear: You were?
Rory: Yes, I was.
Mrs Kinnear: Oh, if you say so.
(Rory sighs.)
------------------------------------------------------------------
2015. The Kinnear household. Rory comes home.
Rory: Hi honey, I’m home.
Mrs Kinnear: Hello darling, how are you?
Rory: All fine with me. I’ve just been told I’ll be back in the new James Bond film.
Mrs Kinnear: Back?
Rory: Yes, back.
Mrs Kinnear: You mean you were in one of the earlier ones?
Rory: No, my love.
Mrs Kinnear: Oh.
Rory: (Sighs.) I was in TWO of the earlier ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
2021. The Kinnear household. Rory comes home.
Rory: Hi honey, I’m home.
Mrs Kinnear: Hello darling, how are you?
Rory: Er…. let me put it this way. Do you remember a film character called Bill Tanner?
Mrs Kinnear: Bill Tanner… yes of course, from the James Bond films.
Rory: Ah good, well-
Mrs Kinnear: Michael Kitchen played him, didn’t he?
Rory: Aargh!
Up in Double O Heaven, a small group are having an argument.
Ken Adam: Of course, a lot of the success of “Goldfinger” was down to the Aston Martin packed with gadgets.
Richard Maibaum: That’s true.
Guy Hamilton: Yes, it was a main ingredient in the film’s success.
Richard: And it was all my idea.
Ken: What? It was my idea!
Guy: Boys, boys, now you all know that it was my idea.
Richard: Like hell it was!
Ken: I came up with the idea!
Guy: Nonsense, everybody knows I was behind it.
Richard: Well you certainly told everybody who interviewed you that it was your idea!
Guy: Now, just wait a minute-
(A figure strolling past pauses for a moment. He’s wearing an elegant suit, a bow tie, and smoking a cigarette in a holder.)
Figure: And just what are you fellows arguing about there?
Richard: They’re both claiming that having an Aston Martin with gadgets in “Goldfinger” was their idea, and everyone knows it was mine.
Guy: My idea!
Ken: Mine!
Figure: (Raising an ironic eyebrow.) You’re all claiming that it was your idea to have James Bond drive an Aston Martin with gadgets in "Goldfinger"?
Ken/Richard/Guy: Yes!
Figure: How cute.
(The figure strolls off looking for a vodka martini, shaken not stirred.)
And probably true 🤣🤣
I've been more than once accused in this thread of having a microphone inside Eon HQ, but that's the first time I've been accused of having one in Heaven!
1985. Set of “A View To a Kill”. Director John Glen and star Roger Moore are chatting.
Roger: I’ve been thinking, John, too many people are saying that I’m relying too much on the stuntmen in these films.
John: Oh yes?
Roger: One critic even joked that the titles should read “Roger Moore and His Stuntmen as James Bond 007”!
John: Ah, I saw that one. Very unfair, I thought.
Roger: Nevertheless, I have come to a decision. I would like to rely less on the stuntmen for this film.
John: Are you sure, Roger? I mean, no offence, but you’re not a boy anymore.
Roger: Nearly 60 is what you mean. Yes, I’d like to try doing some more myself. Tell me, what’s on the schedule for today?
John: (Looks at his clipboard.) Let me see now… today we’re shooting on the Eiffel Tower. James Bond is running up and then down the stairs.
Roger: Well, let’s begin there. I’d like to try that myself, doesn’t sound too difficult. What’s on for tomorrow?
John: Tomorrow we’re in San Francisco. Bond is hanging onto a rope beneath an airship as it flies over the city and out to the Golden Gate.
Roger: Right. I’ll do that.
John: (A bit worried.) It’s pretty dangerous, Roger. I can’t take the chance on you hurting yourself and filming being stopped. Cubby would never allow it.
Roger: Let’s just… not tell him. Keep it between ourselves until he sees the film, when it will be too late to do anything about it.
John: (Still doubtful.) Well… all right. Then the next day you’re escaping the burning city hall, climbing down a ladder with the leading lady on your back screaming “James! Help me, James!” over and over.
Roger: Oh yes, that part. Just give me some earplugs and I’ll manage it. Don’t worry.
John: If you are certain, Roger.
Roger: (Firmly.) I’m certain. Next?
John: The next day is your bed scene with Grace Jones.
(Silence.)
John: Roger?
Roger: (Slowly.) You know, John, perhaps I was a bit hasty. Maybe I should think about all those poor stuntmen who’re not getting any work if I start doing all those stunts myself.
John: Right, Roger. As you say.
👏🏻🤣
Poor Sir Rog, the things he did for England!
Thank you!
HOROSCOPES
1964- Pussy. A golden opportunity awaits you from a man with a Midas touch, who beckons you to enter his web of sin- but don’t go in!
Lucky Number- 3
1971- Plenty. You must learn to show yourself and your assets off to best advantage, so that you can make a big splash!
Lucky Number- 7
1972- Solitaire. A big change in this ever-changing world in which we’re living lies ahead of you, if you play your cards right.
Lucky Number- 8
1979- Dolly. You will meet someone who is tall, dark, and handsome. Very tall. And brace yourself, he’ll take you out of this world!
Lucky Number- 11
1995- Xenia. Enjoy it while it lasts, but quit while you’re ahead and rise to meet a challenge or you might find yourself squeezed out.
Lucky Number- 17
2015- Madeleine. Forget about looking for that tall, dark, and handsome guy. Change your expectations and you might get more than you bargained for!
Lucky Number- 24
Very clever 👏🏻🍸🤣
Thank you, that's very kind. More may turn up later, but meanwhile.....
1987. Eon HQ, inside an enormous airship. On the side of it is the word “Zorin” then in smaller print “Neither the name “Zorin” nor any other name or character is meant to portray a real company or actual person”. Cubby Broccoli sits behind a desk, chatting with MGW and BB. The telephone rings.
Secretary: (On phone.) A Miss Jones for you, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: Miss Jones? Have I met Miss Jones?
Secretary: Miss Grace Jones, sir.
Cubby: Oh, God! Tell her I’m out of town- tell her you can’t find me!
Secretary: Er…. too late.
(The door opens and Grace Jones walks in, dressed in leopardskin trousers no-one can be sure didn’t come from actual leopards she caught herself, a leather Stetson, and two very strategically placed sapphires.)
Grace: Mr Broccoli!
MGW: Ah, he’s busy right-
Grace: Quiet, you! I didn’t come here to talk to the monkey, I want to speak with the organgrinder.
Cubby: (Hiding behind his family as best he can.) Wh… What can I help you with, Grace?
Grace: It’s more a matter of what I can help you with. And who’s this girl here?
BB: (Swallowing hard.) Er, It’s Barbara, Miss Jones, you remember that we met while making “A View To A-
Grace: Oh, yes. (Proceeds to ignore BB entirely from this point on.) Now, I have come here to help you with the problem that you have found yourselves with.
Cubby: Problem?
Grace: Yes, the big problem in front of you right now. Roger Moore has retired from the part of James Bond, has he not?
Cubby: Well, yes, but-
Grace: And not a moment too soon if you ask me. 85 was pushing it a bit.
Cubby: Actually you’ve got that the wrong way round, he was only 58.
Grace: Ah, potato potahto tomato tomahto. This obviously means you’re looking for a new 007, are you not?
Cubby: Of course.
Grace: You can look no further. I am standing right here in front of you.
(BB and MGW’s jaws hit the floor in perfect sync. Cubby being an old hand manages to keep himself together.)
Cubby: I see. Well, it’s very kind of you to come up with this idea, Grace, please let us have some discussion on it and we’ll get back to you.
Grace: Oh, I get it. You think 007 shouldn’t be a woman. You think 007 shouldn’t be of colour. And a woman of colour is completely out of the question, eh?
Cubby: Now, Grace, it’s-
Grace: I have given you the opportunity! Now the ball is in your court!
(She sweeps out of the room. Michael and Barbara, who have been tightly cuddling each other in fear, relax.)
BB: She’s gone!
Cubby: And not a moment too soon. What a terrible idea, anyway.
MGW: Er… yes… terrible.
BB: Of course… terrible.
Cubby: That’ll never happen!
BB: Yes… never.
MGW: Of course… never.
HOROSCOPES
1967- Aki. You have one life for your dreams but beware you don’t pay the price- there are strings attached.
Lucky Number- 5
1969- Tracy. Be careful, or the world might let you down drastically. You don’t have all the time you think.
Lucky Number- 6
1981- Bibi. Sometimes you have to resist giving in to those urges of yours. Yes, those ones. Maybe it might be time to grow up.
Lucky Number- 12
1985- MayDay. Be careful with your relationships. Things might blow up in your face.
Lucky Number- 14
1999- Christmas. You might be the right person to defuse a tense situation. A glimmer of hope may come for you.
Lucky Number- 19
2012- Eve. You’re overdue for a change at work, but aim carefully or you might miss it.
Lucky Number- 23
Brilliant fun as always 🤣
Thanks, Sir M, and at this point I'd like to mention my sounding board, editor, frequent idea source and occasional silent co-author BRIDE OF BARBEL. She sees these first- often we read them aloud, taking parts as if we were reading a play. That's particularly fun when it's the "someone is waiting for a phone call" series 😁. This has the purpose of spotting typos, avoiding repetition, adding last minute lines, and avoiding repetition.
She's also good at telling me when enough is enough, so the horoscope one will be stopping soon (I reckon I can do one more) but first, someone is waiting for a phone call....
2008. The Kitchen household. Michael paces up and down, never getting too far from the telephone.
Mrs Kitchen: Oh, please, Michael, sit down.
Michael: I can’t. I just can’t.
Mrs Kitchen: Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Michael: Tea? I can’t think of tea at a time like this!
Mrs Kitchen: But Michael-
Michael: Can’t you see that I’m waiting for that phone to ring?
Mrs Kitchen: Yes, my love, but what I can’t see is why you’re doing it.
Michael: Why? Didn’t I read the article out to you? They’re making a new James Bond film and Bill Tanner is back in it.
Mrs Kitchen: Yes, I remember.
Michael: And I’m Bill Tanner! I played Bill in “GoldenEye”
And in “The World Is Not Enough”.
Mrs Kitchen: Yes, of course, darling.
Michael: So they’ve got to get me back for this one, “Problem Of Shoelace”.
Mrs Kitchen: “Quantum of Solace”,
Michael: Whatever.
Mrs Kitchen: Michael, just suppose, now listen to me carefully…
Michael: (His walking has become even more fervid.) Yes, of course, I’m listening!
Mrs Kitchen: Now, just hear me out. You were Bill Tanner when Pierce Brosnan was James Bond, weren’t you?
Michael: Yes, I just told you that I was in-
Mrs Kitchen: Yes, yes, I know. Now, listen please- they replaced Pierce Brosnan with Daniel Craig, didn’t they?
Michael: Of course.
Mrs Kitchen: And why did they do that?
Michael: Because they wanted a younger ma…. Oh.
Mrs Kitchen: So don’t you think that maybe they might, now I’m not saying you’re old or anything, but they might want a younger Bill Tanner as well?
(Michael stops pacing and sits down heavily.)
Michael: Oh. Yes. I see.
Mrs Kitchen: So, now would you like a nice cup of tea?
Michael: In a moment, my love.
(He picks up the phone and starts to dial.)
Mrs Kitchen: Now what are you up to?
Michael: I’m calling ITV. They might want another series of “Foyle’s War”.
2012. Whitehall. M is facing a row of officials, led by a rather inimical Minister. Tanner sits beside her.
M: Just one more thing to say. My late husband was a great lover of poetry, and, em, I suppose some of it sunk in, despite my best intentions. And here today, I remember this, I think, from Tennyson. (Reads.) Six eggs, 2 litres milk, bread…. Tanner!
Tanner: (Who had been staring vacantly into space.) Yes, ma’am?
M: This is your shopping list! Where’s the poem?
Tanner: Poem?
M: Yes, you fool, the poem I told you I wanted to read!
Minister: (Totally false concern.) Oh dear, it seems you have made yet another mistake.
M: No, please, just one moment. (Hisses to Tanner.) Look in that briefcase!
Tanner: (Looking through briefcase.) Ah, is this it?
M: (Snatching the proffered paper.) Let me see!
Minister: (Dripping hostility.) Are you finally ready?
M: Yes, ma’am. (Reads.) This is the end. Close your eyes and count to ten. Feel the earth move and then hear my heart burst again.
Tanner: (Whispering.) Is that it?
M: No, it’s Adele’s lyrics- but this lot will never know the difference.
Tanner: I preferred “Rolling In The Deep” myself.
M: Sshh!
“Problem Of Shoelace”. 🤣🤣🤣
Bravo 👏🏻🤣
Thank you, gentlemen, and for N24 here's some behind-the-scenes stuff from "Problem Of Shoelace"-
2008. Excerpt from the diary of Marc Forster.
Monday: It seems there’s a writers’ strike on and only certain people are allowed to contribute to the shooting script. One would be Daniel Craig, and another is me. I’ve never done this before, I’m pretty nervous.
Tuesday: This writing lark is easier than I thought it would be. Just come up with a couple of lines of dialogue then write “Chase scene follows”. Repeat until we’ve filled an hour and a half, or as close as dammit. No worries. Daniel asked if there might be any problems with the chase scenes, and I told him not to worry. I can fix them in the editing, and in fact I already have a few ideas there.
Wednesday: Daniel has just been told that Tom Cruise did all his own stunts for the latest “Mission Impossible” movie so he told me that from now on he wants to do all his himself too, because “I can’t have Cruise looking down his nose at me next time we meet. Well, up his nose actually, I’m not that short but you know what I mean.”
Thursday: Daniel began to be not so sure about the stunts thing when he read today’s schedule. Apparently Bond and Camille fall out of a plane without a parachute, and only manage to get a ‘chute opened about six inches from the ground. Well, he was gulping a lot but wasn’t going to back down. Here goes!
Friday: It seems there’s a limit on how many scenes our star can be in with two broken legs, so I’m going to concentrate on car scenes where he’s either the driver or a passenger until he can walk again. Anything not to hold up the schedule.
I enjoy these Imaginary Conversations - and now diaries - I don't comment much on them @Barbel but they always make me smile 🙂
I'm glad to hear that, Chris, that is of course my intention. Today's will be along shortly - breakfast first!
2043. The house of Bondfan. He’s now very old, and is sitting surrounded by great-grandchildren and great-great-grandchildren.
1st Child: Grandpa! Grandpa! Wake up!
Bondfan: (Still sleeping.) … mmm, yes, Moneypenny, I’ll be round to see you after work….
2nd Child: Grandpa!
Bondfan: Oh! Yes! Hello, children.
1st Child: You were telling us about the old days.
Bondfan: Was I? Yes, that’s right. I was telling you about going to the cinema.
3rd Child: What’s a cinema?
Bondfan: It was… it was something like a very big television, and lots of people paid to go and watch it.
2nd Child: That’s silly, you can just watch television.
Bondfan: Yes, but you saw movies before you could see them on television. I was very fond of watching the James Bond movies in the cinema.
4th Child: Was it better?
Bondfan: Oh yes, it was much better. And I remember when there used to be a new Bond film every year!
Assorted Children: No!
Bondfan: Oh yes, then they started to be every two years, then three…. And now you just don’t know if there will ever be another one again!
3rd Child: But you said there would be! You promised!
Bondfan: Ah, er, yes, I did but I think I might have been a bit optimistic there.
1st Child: You said you couldn’t wait for Bond26, and we’re still waiting! Will there ever be one?
Bondfan: That’s what a lady called Broccoli promised.
2nd Child: Broccoli? Yuch!
(The children all laugh.)
Bondfan: Yes, I know you think it’s funny but that’s her name- and it was her father’s name before her, too, of course.
4th Child: Can we all go see her? Ask her to make Bond26?
Bondfan: Well, we could try, but an awful lot of people have been asking her that for an awful long time.
3rd Child: I know- tell her if she doesn’t make another Bond film we won’t eat any more of her vegetables!
(The children all laugh again.)
Bondfan: Oh, my darlings- if only it were that simple…..
Once again, you have very probably written a true-life tale, Barbel. Great stuff, as usual, please, never stop.
Indeed, another ’far closer to the truth’ conversation than we’d like 👀🫣🤣 👏🏻
You have to use your imagination sometimes, Barbel! It was okay when you just transcribed your surveilance tapes, but now you're just typing down what people say in your living room (or as they say it in German - lebensraum) ........
Then tomorrow's will be quite different, I assure you. Thank you, @CoolHandBond- I may pause a little from time to time but I don't plan to stop.