Thank you, guys Well, I suppose the best thing to do is to continue that tale.......
(Later that day. BB arrives back at Eon HQ, an apparently normal building in London. She enters the hall and walks up to a set of heavy double doors. From behind the doors comes the noise of a busy office- printers, telephones, chatting, and so on. A security man keeps guard.)
Security Man: Name?
BB: Oh come on, Higgins, you know me.
Security Man: (Unmoved.) Name?
BB: (Sighing heavily.) Barbara Broccoli.
Security Man: Today’s password?
BB: Ah, now, what was today’s….? Ah yes- "Lazy Bastards".
Security Man: That was yesterday.
BB: Oh yes, you’re right, so it was. Err… "Ever Thinner Excuses".
Security Man: Okay, in you go.
(He opens the door. The sound of printers, etc, disappears as she walks along an empty, silent corridor up to a desk where an elderly man sits, head on one hand, fast asleep.)
BB: Michael?
MGW: (Still asleep.) …Yes, of course, Cubby, I’ll look after the James Bond franchise very faithfully and keep the films coming out regularly…
BB: Michael!
MGW: What? Oh, hi Barbara. How did you get on at the press conference?
BB: Not so good, Michael- I think they’re beginning to get fed up with all our excus- er, reasons fornot getting on with making more Bond movies.
MGW: Hmmm, I think it’s time to start another rumour round of ever more unlikely actors for us to be testing. Have a word with the bookmakers as well.
BB: Yes, that should work.
MGW: Why not? It’s worked lots of times before....
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,822Chief of Staff
I’m a little surprised Eon haven’t got their own betting shop…they’d take enough money to actually make a film 🤨🤣
2015. Eon HQ, under a bridge in London with a crashed helicopter on top.
MGW: Thanks for coming, everyone. Robert and Neal have some ideas which they would like to discuss, and Barbara and I thought it was right that we should all hear them together and decide how to go forward.
Purvis: Thanks, Michael. As you know, Robert and I have been looking through some unfilmed parts of Fleming’s work and extrapolating ideas from them.
Wade: In this case, “Octopussy”.
Purvis: We’ve taken the character of Hannes Oberhauser from that as part of the backstory.
We are proposing that before Andrew Bond and Monique Delacroix got married, they had a child out of wedlock and since that would be frowned on in their circles they ask Oberhauser to look after the child- it’s a boy, by the way.
Wade: Oberhauser names him Franz, and after the Bonds die in a climbing accident he takes young James under his wing-
BB: Wait a moment, are you saying that Franz and James are natural full brothers?
Purvis: Yes, that’s right. This means that when Franz reveals himself to be Blofeld it comes as a shock to everyone, but principally James.
Mendes: I think that may be going a step too far, I don’t think we want to go in that direction.
Wade: Well, we could make them half-brothers, then.
BB: Half brothers are nice.
(She smiles affectionately at MGW, who smiles back.)
MGW: Half sisters, now, they can be a pain in the- ow!
(BB smiles sweetly and stares straight ahead.)
Craig: No, I don’t like half brothers,
Purvis: Stepbrothers?
(Craig shakes his head.)
Wade: Adopted brothers?
(Craig very firmly shakes his head.)
Purvis: (Getting desperate.) Foster brothers?
Craig: Foster brothers….? Yeah, ok, I can go for that.
(Everyone present breathes a sigh of relief.)
MGW: Foster brothers it is, then. Can’t see anything going wrong with that.
1995. The private music studio of Eric Serra. He is sitting in front of a keyboard, while talking away on the telephone.
Serra: …. Mais oui, M. Wilson, your music will be ready, how do you say, very soon!
MGW: (On phone.) That’s what you told me yesterday, Eric, and last week as well.
Serra: (Contemplates the blank manuscript paper before him.) It will all be fine, Monsieur, I promise you.
MGW: Hmph. Well, time is getting very short now and I seriously expect to see some results from you today .
Serra: Mais naturellement, M. Wilson, today.
(MGW hangs up. Eric sighs and looks at the keyboard. He presses “record” and tinkles a note or two, but his lack of inspiration is palpable.)
Eric: Oh, Mon Dieu, I am completely in le merde. I have spent all the money they gave me and they want their music maintenant!
(A rat appears out of a small hole in the woodwork and climbs up the side of the keyboard unseen by Eric until it jumps out onto the keyboard.)
Eric: Qu’est-ce que c’est? Un rat!
(He slaps at the rat, but it nimbly runs up and down the keyboard as he vainly tries to grab it, his hand striking random chords as the rat’s feet pick out disconnected notes. Finally he manages to grab it by the tail and throw it out the window.)
Eric: Swine rat! Une moment, I just realised that I was recording all that….
(He presses the replay button and hears the playback of the rat’s feet running up and down the keyboard while he attempted to grab it. A smile slowly appears on his face.)
Eric: I think I may have solved my problem….
And if you would like to hear what the above sounded like, the OST to “GoldenEye” is available through the usual sources. We have here a recently discovered photograph of M. Serra searching for the rat:
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,822Chief of Staff
Thank you for your letter dated last week, and thank you for all the good wishes you wrote therein. Thank you also for the apologies, and although I don’t see much of him these days I’m sure Harry has forgotten all those ingenious and interesting names you called him as well as your many and varied suggestions for what he could do.
Yes, you are quite correct when you say that Roger Moore has retired from the role of James Bond. We are aware that you are significantly younger than him, but to be honest with you most people are and that in itself does not qualify you to take over the part again.
Yes, we are aware that you are only a few years older than Timothy Dalton but we feel that his Shakespearean background and much experience in big budget films carry a lot of weight.
Once again I wish you all the best from all here at Eon.
1958. Ian has been so determined to move James Bond from page to screen that I’ve set up a meeting for him with a young filmmaker called Kevin McClory. Along with Ernie, we sat down and thrashed out a basic story for a possible James Bond film. It’ll be set in the Bahamas, which will allow us to take advantage of some tax breaks.
1959. We’ve been trying to get that film made with no success. Kevin has brought in a professional screenwriter called Jack Whittingham and work has continued. Ian seems to have become fed up with the lack of progress, though.
1961. Ian has published this year’s Bond novel, “Thunderball”.
I’ve seen the proofs and I warned him there would be trouble from McClory and Whittingham, since he’d used the plot from the proposed film we’d all been working on. Ernie and I had worked on it too, of course, but we’re Ian’s best friends and there’ll be no trouble from us.
1963. That court case has done Ian’s health no good at all. He’s had a heart attack during it. Since I’m paying the bills, I’ve decided to throw in the towel rather than subject Ian’s health to more stress. McClory is going to have the film rights to “Thunderball”, but better that than Ian dying because of all this.
1964. I miss Ian.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,822Chief of Staff
Not so much imaginary as bang on 😳
Another good, I’ve no idea how you keep coming up with these 🤷🏻♂️
We have mostly positive memories of Brosnan's tenure, but I think this is a terrible idea. We want the James Bond movies to progress (but not forgetting tradition), not to regress. Casting Brosnan now is saying : we were wrong in our Craig experiment and new we're just going to go back to what we did in the 90's. This perhaps the worst thing EON could do in the current situation.
That's my opinion, no more no less. What do you think?
And it reminded me of an Imaginary Conversation from just over two years ago....
2021. The Brosnan household. Mrs Brosnan returns home.
Mrs B: Hello, darling- I’m home!
(There’s no reply. Puzzled, she goes looking and eventually finds Pierce in their home gym, working hard with weights.)
Mrs B: Pierce, darling, what on Earth are you doing?
Pierce: Nothing. I thought I’d take a little exercise.
Mrs B: You must be joking!
(He puts the weights down and goes to work on the rowing machine.)
Mrs B: Be careful, don’t go too fast!
Pierce: I’ll be careful, my love, don’t worry.
(She looks at him more closely.)
Pierce: What’s up?
Mrs B: I don’t know, you look different somehow.
Pierce: Well, nothing’s changed, it’s still me-
Mrs B: You’ve dyed your hair!
Pierce: What? No, I haven’t!
Mrs B: Oh yes you have, your hair is jet black again, just like it was back when you were playing James Bo… Oh, I see.
Pierce: Nonsense, it must just be a trick of the light.
(He goes to the treadmill.)
Mrs B: Trick of the light, indeed! I know what you’re up to!
(She pulls out a pile of newspapers, all with headlines reading “Craig’s Last Bond” or variations on the same.)
Pierce: Really darling, I haven’t the foggiest idea what you think-
Mrs B: Look, Pierce my love, it’s been a long time since you last played James Bond.
Pierce: Sean Connery came back after years away!
Mrs B: Yes, but he was 53 at the time. You’re over sev…. (She sees the look in his eyes.)…. er, a bit older than that.
Pierce: You don’t understand, I really have to do this.
Mrs B: But why?
Pierce: If I’m not James Bond again, then I have to go to the Greek islands and start singing and dancing again in another “Mamma Mia” movie!
Mrs B: Oh God- quick, what’s Barbara Broccoli’s number?
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,822Chief of Staff
edited October 2023
🤣
Not a fan of bringing Pierce back…but it wouldn’t be beyond the realms to see Amazon knock out a limited serial of Pierce as an aged Bond…kind of similar to NovemberMan….but not for me…
I know I said I wanted a break, but that's too good to not write something about-
2024. The set of Amazon’s new production “JAMES BOND- THE GOLDEN YEARS”.
Director: All right, everyone on set please.
(Samantha Bond (now playing M), John Cleese, and Michael Kitchen rather shakily walk on set.)
Director: Where is he?
Samantha: I’m afraid he’s fallen asleep.
Director: Again? Somebody go wake him up!
(An assistant director approaches Pierce Brosnan, napping in his comfortable chair.)
A/D: Er, Mr Brosnan?
Pierce: (Grumbling in his sleep.) Fire me, would you? I made millions for you two- I bet your father wouldn’t have fired me!
A/D: (Slightly louder.) Mr Brosnan?
Pierce: (Waking up.) Eh? Yes, what is it, sonny?
A/D: You’re wanted on set, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Ah yes, of course.
(He struggles painfully to his feet, grabs his walking stick and walks away to the left.)
A/D: The other way, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Oh yes, of course.
(He changes course and begins to walk to the set where the director (Young, most of his experience on commercials.) is becoming impatient.)
Director: Come in, Mr Brosnan, I’ve been expecting you.
(Samantha, John, and Michael all groan.)
Pierce: Oh, very witty. Let’s get started, shall we?
Director: Just lose the cane first.
Pierce: Huh?
Director: The walking stick, put it off camera.
Pierce: I need this- I’ve got a hip, you know!
Director: Yes, but James Bond doesn’t use a cane.
Pierce: (Handing the stick to the A/D.) He certainly should, by my age.
Director: All right, let’s not lose any more time or Bezos will have my bolas. Samantha, you’re sitting at M’s desk when James Bond comes in and sits opposite you.
Samantha: Yes, got that.
Director: Pierce, you’ve to open the door and walk over to that seat there.
Pierce: (Rubbing his chin.) What, all that way?
Director: Yes, all ten feet or so.
Pierce: Where’s the guy who used to do the running scenes for Roger Moore?
Director: He retired years ago.
Pierce: Then where’s my stick?
Director: No stick.
Pierce: I’m rapidly changing my mind- here, take this.
(He hands the director a small slip of paper.)
Director: (Confused.) What's this?
Pierce: It's Timothy Dalton's phone number- I'm out of here.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,822Chief of Staff
2017. Eon HQ, hidden inside a ninja school in Japan. BB and MGW are talking to Neal Purvis & Robert Wade.
BB: I think you’ll have noticed by now that that critics weren’t too impressed with our last production, Spectre.
MGW: And it didn’t make as much money as Skyfall.
Purvis: Yes, well, Skyfall made an exceptionally large amount of money, it was going to be almost impossible to top that.
BB: Even so, the critics and the fans weren’t as happy with it as they could have been.
Wade: Yes, we know. They thought the Rome car chase was dull, the last act was feeble, the whole “brother” angle didn’t work, and so on.
MGW: Yes, indeed. But there was something even more important than all that.
Purvis: What was that?
BB: You two have been writing for us since 1999. You should know by now about the sacrificial lamb.
Wade: Yes, of course- a friend or lover of Bond who gets killed.
MGW: Well, you didn’t put one in Spectre.
Purvis: Yes we did, Mr White dies.
BB: But he’s a villain, Neal.
Wade: He’s Madeleine’s father!
MGW: We haven’t even met Madeleine when he dies, and he kills himself anyway. So, he doesn’t count.
BB: The last time you wrote a Bond film without a sacrificial lamb was Die Another Day, you know, (Everyone shudders.) and we all know how we feel about that.
MGW: In Casino Royale there were Solange and Vesper, in Quantum Of Solace there was Mathis, and in Skyfall there was M, of all people.
Purvis: Yes, but-
BB: It could be argued that the characters who die are becoming more important, then you write a film with none!
Wade: Lucia nearly dies.
MGW: “Nearly” isn’t enough, Robert. For the next movie, someone really really important has to die.
Purvis: We were thinking about Tanner….
BB: Oh, please- make it someone the audience will notice!
Wade: Well…
MGW: Go on. We want someone really important to die in the next one- we’re thinking of calling it No Time To Die, by the way.
(Purvis and Wade exchange glances, then nod to each other.)
Purvis: Well, if you want someone really important to die, we were wondering if…
BB: Yes? Go on, boys.
Wade: We were thinking about killing a character who’s been in the movies since the very beginning. Someone who’s a genuine Ian Fleming character. Someone whose death no-one in the audience would suspect.
MGW: Ah, I think I see. You mean-
BB: Felix! Felix Leiter! He should die!
Wade: Felix? Er, yes, sure…..
MGW: Alright, go ahead and write a script where Felix dies.
Purvis: Er, sure.
BB: Then bring it back to us.
Wade: And not a word to anyone, as usual?
MGW: Well, you can tell Daniel- I don’t see how that could possibly go wrong…..
2003. Mulholland Music. Lukas Kendall, in charge of remastering the Bond soundtracks, gets a call from a suit at the record label, EMI.
Lukas: … yes, I’m just finishing Thunderball right now.
Suit: Glad to hear it.
Lukas: Of course, by the time I’ve added in both versions of “Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” we’re going to need a-
Suit: Hey, slow down- whaddya mean, both versions?
Lukas: Both the vocal versions- there’s one by Dionne Warwick and of course one by Shirley Bassey. That’s in addition to the instrume-
Suit: I’m not so sure about this. I seem to recall there was some legal trouble about that song, back when the film was being made.
Lukas: That’s right, but it’s been sorted now- both versions were on the “30th Anniversary” compilation back in the 90s.
Of course we’re going to need a double album to-
Suit: Whoa whoa there- you said what?
Lukas: A double album. As well as the two vocal numbers, there’s-
Suit: There’s no way this is gonna be a double album!
Lukas: Well, as well as those two songs I’ll have to leave out some music- Bond in the shark tank, and the one where Fiona gives him a lift.
Suit: Fine, I don’t care. And another thing- I’ve seen the track listings for these albums, and you’ve been putting in extra music!
Lukas: Of course I have, what do you think I should have done with all the tracks that weren’t on the old vinyl versions?
Suit: Just let ‘em rot in the vaults, of course.
Lukas: Well, if you insist... (He smiles innocently to himself.)
Suit: And you’ve been changing the order of the tracks as well, we’ve noticed.
Lukas: Well sure, I’m putting them in the order they appear in the film.
Suit: Just forget that. Keep them in the same order as they were in the old vinyl release. The extra stuff you've done, you can stick it at the end if you must.
Lukas: But-
Suit: Speaking of which, you can stop right there with this “adding extra music” business- you think we’re in the business of giving people value for money?
Lukas: I would have hoped-
Suit: Listen, Lewis-
Lukas: It’s Lukas.
Suit: Yeah, whatever. Don’t go thinking that we haven’t noticed you slipping in extra music on these remasters. Well, that stops right now.
Lukas: But on Moonraker-
Suit: That’s the one with the big guy with steel teeth, isn’t it?
Lukas: It’s one of the ones with the big guy with steel teeth.
Suit: Yeah, yeah. Well, just stop adding that extra music right now.
Lukas: If I don’t do it, somebody else will just make cover versions.
Suit: Like who?
Lukas: Nic Raine, I would think.
Suit: Never heard of him. Just remember what I said. Stop adding the extra music, don’t do any double albums, and keep the music in the same order it’s always been.
Lukas: If that’s what you want.
Suit: That’s what we want. Don’t worry, the fans will buy them anyway.
So work begins. I’ve tried to keep hidden how excited I feel. This is the biggest film I’ve ever directed and will obviously be the door to a glittering career of A grade films. Everything is going splendidly, although I wish I could find a way of keeping that Broccoli woman from calling me “Tamagotchi”.
Tuesday.
Big decisions made today. Sean had his Aston Martin DB5, Roger had his Lotus Esprit, and now Pierce will have his Aston Martin Vanish. Nobody is ever going to forget seeing Pierce in this car! Except that they won’t, but you see what I mean.
Wednesday.
Big argument with those two guys who keep getting in the road, Wurvis and Pade- or something like that. They seem to think that just because they wrote this film their opinion is important! I mean, they complained today when I had Halle say “Yo Momma” instead of what they had written. As if they’re Shakespeare!
Thursday.
Started the day with the special effects people. I asked them to have Bond use the back part of an icejet plus a braking parachute to sail over icebergs. They looked very doubtful, so I went to the computer people who immediately said yes, they could do that, no problem. I’m looking forward to seeing this- “Jurassic Park” eat your heart out, this will set new boundaries in realism.
Friday.
I’ve enjoyed working with Pierce, he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t require much direction. I’m sure the two of us will enjoy working together on the next James Bond film.
2023. BB lies on a sun lounger on some exotic beach, idly looking through the pages of her state-of-the-art phone. MGW lies asleep on the next sun lounger, when suddenly…
BB: Michael!
MGW: (Still asleep.) …bloody Purvis and Wade, I could write a better James Bond script in my sleep…
BB: (Louder.) Michael!
MGW: (Still sleeping.) Now, look Gregg, once you take over from me you have to sit here and have handkerchiefs ready for your aunt whenever Daniel Craig’s name is mentioned…
(She thrusts the screen of her phone in front of him as he fumbles to put on his glasses.)
MGW: Oh, I see- the actors’ strike is over, or just about anyway.
BB: Yes, and with the writers’ strike having also finished recently we’re rapidly running out of excuses.
MGW: Yes, excuses for not making Bond25.
BB: Michael, we made Bond 25.
MGW: Oh, did we? I thought that was just a bad dream.
BB: Don’t start all that again. We have to come up with some other reason for wasting all our time rather than actually making a movie.
MGW: Well, let’s arrange another strike then.
BB: Yes, perfect. How about the cinematographers?
MGW: No, we could just use the ones from “007: Road To A Million”.
(Both shudder.)
BB: Then the costume designers?
MGW: No, we could just use the costumes from the last one. Have to have Craig’s trousers lengthened a bit, obviously, for the new guy.
BB: The stunt men?
MGW: We could just call back all the retired ones, those that are still in one piece.
BB: Who then????
MGW: It’s obvious- we’ll call a producers’ strike!
BB: But we’re the producers.
MGW: Exactly- we can make it last as long as we want, and it has the added benefit that nobody would be able to tell the difference from what we’ve been doing recently.
BB: That’s ideal! Congratulations, Michael.
(She gives him a big kiss.)
MGW: I do have my moments, you know.
Sir MilesThe Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,822Chief of Staff
Comments
HOROSCOPES
1977. Naomi. A tall handsome stranger will catch your eye and may just blow you away.
Lucky Number- 9
1979. Corrine. Don’t forget what your mother told you or you will end up going to the dogs.
Lucky Number- 10.
1981- Lisl. You will meet a handsome stranger with whom you will find you have a lot in common, but best not to stay in his company too long.
Lucky Number- 12
2002- Jinx. Your relationships never last, maybe it’s because you don’t get the thrust of them. Careful you don’t get left in the cold.
Lucky Number- 20
2012. Olivia. Don’t worry too much about dignity, depart when the job’s done- but be prepared to return unexpectedly.
Lucky Number- 23
1969. The Connery household. Sean is walking up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.
Diane: Oh, just sit down Sean, will you?
Sean: I can’t, I jusht can’t.
Diane: Sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.
Sean: Tea? I don’t want tea! How can I think of tea at a time like thish?
Diane: Look, you know that if they wanted you they would have phoned you by now. Shooting starts next week, I hear.
Sean: They’ve got to want me! I’m Jamesh Bond! Didn't you shee the poshter for the movie before thish?
Shee? “Sean Connery ISH Jamesh Bond” it shays!
Diane: Yes, well, you told them you didn’t want to make any more.
Sean: That wash jusht a negotiating tactic- all they have to do ish come back and offer me more money.
Diane: They did.
Sean: Yesh, but more than that. I want- one million dollarsh!
Diane: A million? They’ll never pay that!
Sean: I think they might.
Diane: And they certainly won’t be in a big hurry to approach you again after you called Harry Saltzman a fuc-
Sean: He’ll get over it, he’sh been called worshe before.
Diane: Yes, but that was still by you.
Sean: Anyway, I know they will call.
Diane: You might be surprised. I have heard that they are planning on casting some Australian fellow as Bond.
Sean: (Scoffs.) Aushtralian? Never!
Diane: Oh, thanks very much.
Sean: You know I washn’t talking about you.
Diane: Anyway, that’s what I’ve heard.
Sean: That won’t work at all. Shcottish, English, Irish or Welsh, yesh that’sh alright but Aushtralian?
Diane: I’ve seen some photos, he looks good.
Sean: That’ll never happen to thish fellow!
Top quality again 👏🏻
Thish ish the besht!
Thank you, guys. 😊
Producers talk new 007 TV show and reinventing Bond in a post-Craig era | James Bond | The Guardian
October 2023. Press Conference for “007: Road To A Million”.
1st Reporter: Tell us about why Eon decided to allow this TV game show, “007: Road To a Million”, please, Ms Broccoli.
BB: Well, we felt that the shows exhibited the same ethos, courage and fortitude we do in the movies.
2nd Reporter: Ah, they offered you enough money, then?
BB: (Ignoring that.) I think it’s really good entertainment and that’s what people need.
3rd Reporter: Don’t you think that it weakens the James Bond brand?
BB: I don’t understand what you mean.
1st Reporter: I mean it might be seen as making your brand, which Eon has cherished and protected for over 60 years, appear cheap and gimmicky.
BB: Oh, that’s no problem. We’ve been doing that ourselves since 2015.
2nd Reporter: You mean the brother thing?
BB: Sshh! We’re trying to forget about that.
3rd Reporter: Is it possible that James Bond himself will make an appearance in this series?
BB: We have to modernise the franchise and-
2nd Reporter: Have you selected a new James Bond yet?
BB: We have to reflect the ways in which the world has changed during the-
3rd Reporter: Have you even made a short list?
BB: Modernisation is necessary whenever a new actor plays-
1st Reporter: They haven’t picked anyone.
2nd Reporter: Haven’t even got a short list.
3rd Reporter: It's been years!
(The press start making for the nearest pub.)
BB: No, wait, I’m not finished yet!
1st Reporter: (Heading out the door.) I wouldn’t be too sure about that!
Are we sure this is the Imaginary thread? 🤨🤣
My goodness, frighteningly telling answers which sound as if they may just have come out of BB's or the Eon Press Office's mouths...
Too true…unfortunately.
Fabulous, as always, Barbel.
Thank you, guys Well, I suppose the best thing to do is to continue that tale.......
(Later that day. BB arrives back at Eon HQ, an apparently normal building in London. She enters the hall and walks up to a set of heavy double doors. From behind the doors comes the noise of a busy office- printers, telephones, chatting, and so on. A security man keeps guard.)
Security Man: Name?
BB: Oh come on, Higgins, you know me.
Security Man: (Unmoved.) Name?
BB: (Sighing heavily.) Barbara Broccoli.
Security Man: Today’s password?
BB: Ah, now, what was today’s….? Ah yes- "Lazy Bastards".
Security Man: That was yesterday.
BB: Oh yes, you’re right, so it was. Err… "Ever Thinner Excuses".
Security Man: Okay, in you go.
(He opens the door. The sound of printers, etc, disappears as she walks along an empty, silent corridor up to a desk where an elderly man sits, head on one hand, fast asleep.)
BB: Michael?
MGW: (Still asleep.) …Yes, of course, Cubby, I’ll look after the James Bond franchise very faithfully and keep the films coming out regularly…
BB: Michael!
MGW: What? Oh, hi Barbara. How did you get on at the press conference?
BB: Not so good, Michael- I think they’re beginning to get fed up with all our excus- er, reasons for not getting on with making more Bond movies.
MGW: Hmmm, I think it’s time to start another rumour round of ever more unlikely actors for us to be testing. Have a word with the bookmakers as well.
BB: Yes, that should work.
MGW: Why not? It’s worked lots of times before....
I’m a little surprised Eon haven’t got their own betting shop…they’d take enough money to actually make a film 🤨🤣
2015. Eon HQ, under a bridge in London with a crashed helicopter on top.
MGW: Thanks for coming, everyone. Robert and Neal have some ideas which they would like to discuss, and Barbara and I thought it was right that we should all hear them together and decide how to go forward.
Purvis: Thanks, Michael. As you know, Robert and I have been looking through some unfilmed parts of Fleming’s work and extrapolating ideas from them.
Wade: In this case, “Octopussy”.
Purvis: We’ve taken the character of Hannes Oberhauser from that as part of the backstory.
We are proposing that before Andrew Bond and Monique Delacroix got married, they had a child out of wedlock and since that would be frowned on in their circles they ask Oberhauser to look after the child- it’s a boy, by the way.
Wade: Oberhauser names him Franz, and after the Bonds die in a climbing accident he takes young James under his wing-
BB: Wait a moment, are you saying that Franz and James are natural full brothers?
Purvis: Yes, that’s right. This means that when Franz reveals himself to be Blofeld it comes as a shock to everyone, but principally James.
Mendes: I think that may be going a step too far, I don’t think we want to go in that direction.
Wade: Well, we could make them half-brothers, then.
BB: Half brothers are nice.
(She smiles affectionately at MGW, who smiles back.)
MGW: Half sisters, now, they can be a pain in the- ow!
(BB smiles sweetly and stares straight ahead.)
Craig: No, I don’t like half brothers,
Purvis: Stepbrothers?
(Craig shakes his head.)
Wade: Adopted brothers?
(Craig very firmly shakes his head.)
Purvis: (Getting desperate.) Foster brothers?
Craig: Foster brothers….? Yeah, ok, I can go for that.
(Everyone present breathes a sigh of relief.)
MGW: Foster brothers it is, then. Can’t see anything going wrong with that.
1995. The private music studio of Eric Serra. He is sitting in front of a keyboard, while talking away on the telephone.
Serra: …. Mais oui, M. Wilson, your music will be ready, how do you say, very soon!
MGW: (On phone.) That’s what you told me yesterday, Eric, and last week as well.
Serra: (Contemplates the blank manuscript paper before him.) It will all be fine, Monsieur, I promise you.
MGW: Hmph. Well, time is getting very short now and I seriously expect to see some results from you today .
Serra: Mais naturellement, M. Wilson, today.
(MGW hangs up. Eric sighs and looks at the keyboard. He presses “record” and tinkles a note or two, but his lack of inspiration is palpable.)
Eric: Oh, Mon Dieu, I am completely in le merde. I have spent all the money they gave me and they want their music maintenant!
(A rat appears out of a small hole in the woodwork and climbs up the side of the keyboard unseen by Eric until it jumps out onto the keyboard.)
Eric: Qu’est-ce que c’est? Un rat!
(He slaps at the rat, but it nimbly runs up and down the keyboard as he vainly tries to grab it, his hand striking random chords as the rat’s feet pick out disconnected notes. Finally he manages to grab it by the tail and throw it out the window.)
Eric: Swine rat! Une moment, I just realised that I was recording all that….
(He presses the replay button and hears the playback of the rat’s feet running up and down the keyboard while he attempted to grab it. A smile slowly appears on his face.)
Eric: I think I may have solved my problem….
And if you would like to hear what the above sounded like, the OST to “GoldenEye” is available through the usual sources. We have here a recently discovered photograph of M. Serra searching for the rat:
🤣
1987
Eon Productions Ltd
London
Dear George
Thank you for your letter dated last week, and thank you for all the good wishes you wrote therein. Thank you also for the apologies, and although I don’t see much of him these days I’m sure Harry has forgotten all those ingenious and interesting names you called him as well as your many and varied suggestions for what he could do.
Yes, you are quite correct when you say that Roger Moore has retired from the role of James Bond. We are aware that you are significantly younger than him, but to be honest with you most people are and that in itself does not qualify you to take over the part again.
Yes, we are aware that you are only a few years older than Timothy Dalton but we feel that his Shakespearean background and much experience in big budget films carry a lot of weight.
Once again I wish you all the best from all here at Eon.
(Signed)
A.R. Broccoli
Now that is true! More’s the pity because I’d have loved to have seen George back in the role.
Excellent.
Thank you, CHB. 😀
Excerpts from the diary of Ivar Bryce.
1958. Ian has been so determined to move James Bond from page to screen that I’ve set up a meeting for him with a young filmmaker called Kevin McClory. Along with Ernie, we sat down and thrashed out a basic story for a possible James Bond film. It’ll be set in the Bahamas, which will allow us to take advantage of some tax breaks.
1959. We’ve been trying to get that film made with no success. Kevin has brought in a professional screenwriter called Jack Whittingham and work has continued. Ian seems to have become fed up with the lack of progress, though.
1961. Ian has published this year’s Bond novel, “Thunderball”.
I’ve seen the proofs and I warned him there would be trouble from McClory and Whittingham, since he’d used the plot from the proposed film we’d all been working on. Ernie and I had worked on it too, of course, but we’re Ian’s best friends and there’ll be no trouble from us.
1963. That court case has done Ian’s health no good at all. He’s had a heart attack during it. Since I’m paying the bills, I’ve decided to throw in the towel rather than subject Ian’s health to more stress. McClory is going to have the film rights to “Thunderball”, but better that than Ian dying because of all this.
1964. I miss Ian.
Not so much imaginary as bang on 😳
Another good, I’ve no idea how you keep coming up with these 🤷🏻♂️
But I’m glad you do 🍸
Thank you, Sir Miles. I can feel a break coming on but before that I was reading this-
New poll (2020): Who do you want as the next James Bond? - Page 45 — ajb007
Post 1326, from Number24 reads:
The Bond Geek favourite for the next Bond actor is ....... Pierce Brosnan!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17GhGgdzseU
We have mostly positive memories of Brosnan's tenure, but I think this is a terrible idea. We want the James Bond movies to progress (but not forgetting tradition), not to regress. Casting Brosnan now is saying : we were wrong in our Craig experiment and new we're just going to go back to what we did in the 90's. This perhaps the worst thing EON could do in the current situation.
That's my opinion, no more no less. What do you think?
And it reminded me of an Imaginary Conversation from just over two years ago....
2021. The Brosnan household. Mrs Brosnan returns home.
Mrs B: Hello, darling- I’m home!
(There’s no reply. Puzzled, she goes looking and eventually finds Pierce in their home gym, working hard with weights.)
Mrs B: Pierce, darling, what on Earth are you doing?
Pierce: Nothing. I thought I’d take a little exercise.
Mrs B: You must be joking!
(He puts the weights down and goes to work on the rowing machine.)
Mrs B: Be careful, don’t go too fast!
Pierce: I’ll be careful, my love, don’t worry.
(She looks at him more closely.)
Pierce: What’s up?
Mrs B: I don’t know, you look different somehow.
Pierce: Well, nothing’s changed, it’s still me-
Mrs B: You’ve dyed your hair!
Pierce: What? No, I haven’t!
Mrs B: Oh yes you have, your hair is jet black again, just like it was back when you were playing James Bo… Oh, I see.
Pierce: Nonsense, it must just be a trick of the light.
(He goes to the treadmill.)
Mrs B: Trick of the light, indeed! I know what you’re up to!
(She pulls out a pile of newspapers, all with headlines reading “Craig’s Last Bond” or variations on the same.)
Pierce: Really darling, I haven’t the foggiest idea what you think-
Mrs B: Look, Pierce my love, it’s been a long time since you last played James Bond.
Pierce: Sean Connery came back after years away!
Mrs B: Yes, but he was 53 at the time. You’re over sev…. (She sees the look in his eyes.)…. er, a bit older than that.
Pierce: You don’t understand, I really have to do this.
Mrs B: But why?
Pierce: If I’m not James Bond again, then I have to go to the Greek islands and start singing and dancing again in another “Mamma Mia” movie!
Mrs B: Oh God- quick, what’s Barbara Broccoli’s number?
🤣
Not a fan of bringing Pierce back…but it wouldn’t be beyond the realms to see Amazon knock out a limited serial of Pierce as an aged Bond…kind of similar to November Man….but not for me…
I know I said I wanted a break, but that's too good to not write something about-
2024. The set of Amazon’s new production “JAMES BOND- THE GOLDEN YEARS”.
Director: All right, everyone on set please.
(Samantha Bond (now playing M), John Cleese, and Michael Kitchen rather shakily walk on set.)
Director: Where is he?
Samantha: I’m afraid he’s fallen asleep.
Director: Again? Somebody go wake him up!
(An assistant director approaches Pierce Brosnan, napping in his comfortable chair.)
A/D: Er, Mr Brosnan?
Pierce: (Grumbling in his sleep.) Fire me, would you? I made millions for you two- I bet your father wouldn’t have fired me!
A/D: (Slightly louder.) Mr Brosnan?
Pierce: (Waking up.) Eh? Yes, what is it, sonny?
A/D: You’re wanted on set, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Ah yes, of course.
(He struggles painfully to his feet, grabs his walking stick and walks away to the left.)
A/D: The other way, Mr Brosnan.
Pierce: Oh yes, of course.
(He changes course and begins to walk to the set where the director (Young, most of his experience on commercials.) is becoming impatient.)
Director: Come in, Mr Brosnan, I’ve been expecting you.
(Samantha, John, and Michael all groan.)
Pierce: Oh, very witty. Let’s get started, shall we?
Director: Just lose the cane first.
Pierce: Huh?
Director: The walking stick, put it off camera.
Pierce: I need this- I’ve got a hip, you know!
Director: Yes, but James Bond doesn’t use a cane.
Pierce: (Handing the stick to the A/D.) He certainly should, by my age.
Director: All right, let’s not lose any more time or Bezos will have my bolas. Samantha, you’re sitting at M’s desk when James Bond comes in and sits opposite you.
Samantha: Yes, got that.
Director: Pierce, you’ve to open the door and walk over to that seat there.
Pierce: (Rubbing his chin.) What, all that way?
Director: Yes, all ten feet or so.
Pierce: Where’s the guy who used to do the running scenes for Roger Moore?
Director: He retired years ago.
Pierce: Then where’s my stick?
Director: No stick.
Pierce: I’m rapidly changing my mind- here, take this.
(He hands the director a small slip of paper.)
Director: (Confused.) What's this?
Pierce: It's Timothy Dalton's phone number- I'm out of here.
That’s fabulous 🤣🤣🤣
Where’s George in all this?
As brilliant as ever, Barbel. 😂
Thanks guys. 🙂🙂🙂
2017. Eon HQ, hidden inside a ninja school in Japan. BB and MGW are talking to Neal Purvis & Robert Wade.
BB: I think you’ll have noticed by now that that critics weren’t too impressed with our last production, Spectre.
MGW: And it didn’t make as much money as Skyfall.
Purvis: Yes, well, Skyfall made an exceptionally large amount of money, it was going to be almost impossible to top that.
BB: Even so, the critics and the fans weren’t as happy with it as they could have been.
Wade: Yes, we know. They thought the Rome car chase was dull, the last act was feeble, the whole “brother” angle didn’t work, and so on.
MGW: Yes, indeed. But there was something even more important than all that.
Purvis: What was that?
BB: You two have been writing for us since 1999. You should know by now about the sacrificial lamb.
Wade: Yes, of course- a friend or lover of Bond who gets killed.
MGW: Well, you didn’t put one in Spectre.
Purvis: Yes we did, Mr White dies.
BB: But he’s a villain, Neal.
Wade: He’s Madeleine’s father!
MGW: We haven’t even met Madeleine when he dies, and he kills himself anyway. So, he doesn’t count.
BB: The last time you wrote a Bond film without a sacrificial lamb was Die Another Day, you know, (Everyone shudders.) and we all know how we feel about that.
MGW: In Casino Royale there were Solange and Vesper, in Quantum Of Solace there was Mathis, and in Skyfall there was M, of all people.
Purvis: Yes, but-
BB: It could be argued that the characters who die are becoming more important, then you write a film with none!
Wade: Lucia nearly dies.
MGW: “Nearly” isn’t enough, Robert. For the next movie, someone really really important has to die.
Purvis: We were thinking about Tanner….
BB: Oh, please- make it someone the audience will notice!
Wade: Well…
MGW: Go on. We want someone really important to die in the next one- we’re thinking of calling it No Time To Die, by the way.
(Purvis and Wade exchange glances, then nod to each other.)
Purvis: Well, if you want someone really important to die, we were wondering if…
BB: Yes? Go on, boys.
Wade: We were thinking about killing a character who’s been in the movies since the very beginning. Someone who’s a genuine Ian Fleming character. Someone whose death no-one in the audience would suspect.
MGW: Ah, I think I see. You mean-
BB: Felix! Felix Leiter! He should die!
Wade: Felix? Er, yes, sure…..
MGW: Alright, go ahead and write a script where Felix dies.
Purvis: Er, sure.
BB: Then bring it back to us.
Wade: And not a word to anyone, as usual?
MGW: Well, you can tell Daniel- I don’t see how that could possibly go wrong…..
2003. Mulholland Music. Lukas Kendall, in charge of remastering the Bond soundtracks, gets a call from a suit at the record label, EMI.
Lukas: … yes, I’m just finishing Thunderball right now.
Suit: Glad to hear it.
Lukas: Of course, by the time I’ve added in both versions of “Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” we’re going to need a-
Suit: Hey, slow down- whaddya mean, both versions?
Lukas: Both the vocal versions- there’s one by Dionne Warwick and of course one by Shirley Bassey. That’s in addition to the instrume-
Suit: I’m not so sure about this. I seem to recall there was some legal trouble about that song, back when the film was being made.
Lukas: That’s right, but it’s been sorted now- both versions were on the “30th Anniversary” compilation back in the 90s.
Of course we’re going to need a double album to-
Suit: Whoa whoa there- you said what?
Lukas: A double album. As well as the two vocal numbers, there’s-
Suit: There’s no way this is gonna be a double album!
Lukas: Well, as well as those two songs I’ll have to leave out some music- Bond in the shark tank, and the one where Fiona gives him a lift.
Suit: Fine, I don’t care. And another thing- I’ve seen the track listings for these albums, and you’ve been putting in extra music!
Lukas: Of course I have, what do you think I should have done with all the tracks that weren’t on the old vinyl versions?
Suit: Just let ‘em rot in the vaults, of course.
Lukas: Well, if you insist... (He smiles innocently to himself.)
Suit: And you’ve been changing the order of the tracks as well, we’ve noticed.
Lukas: Well sure, I’m putting them in the order they appear in the film.
Suit: Just forget that. Keep them in the same order as they were in the old vinyl release. The extra stuff you've done, you can stick it at the end if you must.
Lukas: But-
Suit: Speaking of which, you can stop right there with this “adding extra music” business- you think we’re in the business of giving people value for money?
Lukas: I would have hoped-
Suit: Listen, Lewis-
Lukas: It’s Lukas.
Suit: Yeah, whatever. Don’t go thinking that we haven’t noticed you slipping in extra music on these remasters. Well, that stops right now.
Lukas: But on Moonraker-
Suit: That’s the one with the big guy with steel teeth, isn’t it?
Lukas: It’s one of the ones with the big guy with steel teeth.
Suit: Yeah, yeah. Well, just stop adding that extra music right now.
Lukas: If I don’t do it, somebody else will just make cover versions.
Suit: Like who?
Lukas: Nic Raine, I would think.
Suit: Never heard of him. Just remember what I said. Stop adding the extra music, don’t do any double albums, and keep the music in the same order it’s always been.
Lukas: If that’s what you want.
Suit: That’s what we want. Don’t worry, the fans will buy them anyway.
2002. The diary of Lee Tamahori.
Monday.
So work begins. I’ve tried to keep hidden how excited I feel. This is the biggest film I’ve ever directed and will obviously be the door to a glittering career of A grade films. Everything is going splendidly, although I wish I could find a way of keeping that Broccoli woman from calling me “Tamagotchi”.
Tuesday.
Big decisions made today. Sean had his Aston Martin DB5, Roger had his Lotus Esprit, and now Pierce will have his Aston Martin Vanish. Nobody is ever going to forget seeing Pierce in this car! Except that they won’t, but you see what I mean.
Wednesday.
Big argument with those two guys who keep getting in the road, Wurvis and Pade- or something like that. They seem to think that just because they wrote this film their opinion is important! I mean, they complained today when I had Halle say “Yo Momma” instead of what they had written. As if they’re Shakespeare!
Thursday.
Started the day with the special effects people. I asked them to have Bond use the back part of an icejet plus a braking parachute to sail over icebergs. They looked very doubtful, so I went to the computer people who immediately said yes, they could do that, no problem. I’m looking forward to seeing this- “Jurassic Park” eat your heart out, this will set new boundaries in realism.
Friday.
I’ve enjoyed working with Pierce, he knows what he’s doing and doesn’t require much direction. I’m sure the two of us will enjoy working together on the next James Bond film.
2023. BB lies on a sun lounger on some exotic beach, idly looking through the pages of her state-of-the-art phone. MGW lies asleep on the next sun lounger, when suddenly…
BB: Michael!
MGW: (Still asleep.) …bloody Purvis and Wade, I could write a better James Bond script in my sleep…
BB: (Louder.) Michael!
MGW: (Still sleeping.) Now, look Gregg, once you take over from me you have to sit here and have handkerchiefs ready for your aunt whenever Daniel Craig’s name is mentioned…
BB: (Even louder.) Michael!!!
MGW: (Wakes up.) What? Oh, yes, hi Barbara.
BB: Have you seen this?
Hollywood actors' union agrees tentative deal to end four-month strike - BBC News
(She thrusts the screen of her phone in front of him as he fumbles to put on his glasses.)
MGW: Oh, I see- the actors’ strike is over, or just about anyway.
BB: Yes, and with the writers’ strike having also finished recently we’re rapidly running out of excuses.
MGW: Yes, excuses for not making Bond25.
BB: Michael, we made Bond 25.
MGW: Oh, did we? I thought that was just a bad dream.
BB: Don’t start all that again. We have to come up with some other reason for wasting all our time rather than actually making a movie.
MGW: Well, let’s arrange another strike then.
BB: Yes, perfect. How about the cinematographers?
MGW: No, we could just use the ones from “007: Road To A Million”.
(Both shudder.)
BB: Then the costume designers?
MGW: No, we could just use the costumes from the last one. Have to have Craig’s trousers lengthened a bit, obviously, for the new guy.
BB: The stunt men?
MGW: We could just call back all the retired ones, those that are still in one piece.
BB: Who then????
MGW: It’s obvious- we’ll call a producers’ strike!
BB: But we’re the producers.
MGW: Exactly- we can make it last as long as we want, and it has the added benefit that nobody would be able to tell the difference from what we’ve been doing recently.
BB: That’s ideal! Congratulations, Michael.
(She gives him a big kiss.)
MGW: I do have my moments, you know.
🤣
But are you sure the music one is imaginary? 🤔🤨😁
😁 I can only refer you back to the very first line of this thread, which has become something of a mission statement.