Imaginary Conversations



  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    I thought you’d remember the pool-side scenes 👀🤣

    Love the halo pic - that’s marvellous 👏🏻🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    I'd spotted that pic some time ago and waited for an appropriate moment to use it. The Bride suggested costumers for yesterday's Conversation and in it went.

    But wait! We have started a new page and regular readers (and @Number24 as well) know what that means. Listen carefully and you can hear the faint sound of footsteps. Someone is walking back and forward, never getting too far away from their telephone....

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    1969. The household of David Niven. He is pacing up and down, never getting too far away from the telephone.

     Mrs Niven: Oh, sit down, David, why don’t you?

    David: Sit down, my darling? I cannot sit down!

    Mrs Niven: Just sit down and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.

    David: A most delightful suggestion, my angel, but I deeply regret that I cannot think of tea at a time like this.

    Mrs Niven: A time like this? Nothing is happening.

    David: And that is exactly why I cannot sit down! They should have phoned by now.

    Mrs Niven: Who, my darling? Who should have phoned by now?

    David: That Broccoli chap, or his partner Harry something.

    Mrs Niven: Oh, the ones who make the James Bond films.

    David: Exactly! Everyone and their great aunt knows that Sean Connery has finished playing James Bond.

    Mrs Niven: Yes, and…?

    David: Well, it follows that they must be looking for a replacement.

    Mrs Niven: Of course. And…?

    David: Do you not see? It has to be me!

    Mrs Niven: But David-

    David: It really does have to be me. Did Ian Fleming himself not say that I would be an ideal choice?

    Mrs Niven: Yes, my love, but-

    David: And did I not enact James Bond only recently?

    Mrs Niven: David, darling, you played a retired Sir James Bond.

    David: Yes, in “Casino Royale”.


    Mrs Niven: Which everyone knows was meant as a-

    David: And in all modesty I must confess that I played the role rather well, if accounts are reliable.

    Mrs Niven: Yes, but-

    David: So indubitably I am the ideal choice!

    Mrs Niven: You played a retired version of James Bond two years ago, and you’re nearly 60 now. Don’t you think you might be just a teensy weensy bit too-

    David: What? Never! I’ll wager that someday Bond will be played at that age

     so why shouldn’t I be the first?

    Mrs Niven: Darling, you have to remember that “Casino Royale” was a comedy.

    David: What of it?

    Mrs Niven: I am sure the producers will mean their film, now what was it called?

    David: “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”.

    Mrs Niven: Yes, that. They will want it to be taken seriously, so they won’t want the man who played James Bond in a comedy.

    David: What? The next thing you’ll be telling me is that they’ll remake “Casino Royale” and expect it to be taken seriously!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff
    edited April 11

    2024. Q’s workshop. He is working away when James Bond comes in.


    Q: Ah, there you are, 007.

    Bond: Morning, Q. What do you have today? A laser disguised as a pocket radio, perhaps, or a miniature machine-gun inside a chocolate bar?

    Q: Don’t be foolish, 007.

    Bond: Well, maybe a ring that inflates into a hovercraft?

    Q: (Long sufferingly.) If you’d just-

    Bond: How about a-

    Q: No! If you would look before talking, you would see that I have been putting the finishing touches to this Aston Martin here.

    Bond: Very nice, Q, what does it do, sprout wings and fly?


    Q: Enough of your puerile jokes.

    Bond: I hope it doesn’t become invisible- a lot of people were very, very unhappy about that particular car.


    Q: I don’t know why. A lot of hard work and research went into that.

    Bond: It was the “jump shark” button that caused a lot of anger.

    Q: Now, you know it didn’t have one of those.

    Bond: All right, then, what does this one do?

    Q: It is especially designed for use within the United Kingdom.

    Bond: Rainproof?

    Q: No, it detects potholes in enough time for you to avoid them.

    Bond: You should put it on the market, it’d be a best seller.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Two more belters 🤣

    You can imagine Fleming & Niven bumping into each other somewhere and Fleming discussing Niven’s suitability as Bond…👀

    And for the love of all that’s holy - get me that car with the pothole detector 🙏🏻😵‍💫

    YNWA 97
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,385MI6 Agent

    You’re still consistently on form @Barbel thank you for keeping us amused, I look forward to this thread every day!

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff
    edited April 12

    Thank you very much, @CoolHandBond, I am glad you're enjoying the thread.

    Sadly I can't help with the latter of your requests, @Sir Miles, but perhaps I can with the former....

    1959. A high society club, somewhere in London. Two men in black tie meet at the bar.


    Ian Fleming: David! How nice to see you!

    David Niven: And what a pleasure to see you again, Ian.

    (The two shake hands warmly.)

    David: Let’s have a drink and a chat, old boy.

    Ian: Sounds wonderful. (To the barman.) Two measures of-

     Barman: Yes, Commander Fleming, I remember.

    David: And the same for me, I think. So, Ian, what have you been up to then?

    Ian: Well, the same old routine, one must confess.

    David: Still writing those stories about… what was his name again?

    Ian: Bond. James Bond.

    David: That’s the fellow! One day I must read one of them.

    Ian: And how are things out in Hollywood?

    David: Oh, no changes.

    Ian: One cannot believe that, what with you winning an Oscar just last year.

    David: Ah, you heard about that?

    Ian: Indeed I did. Belated congratulations, David, maybe one day I might watch one of your films.

    David: (Laughing.) Touché, I deserved that. But seriously, how are things with Mr Bond, James Bond?

    Ian: Well there’s been an interesting development. You’ll recall that I have always been aiming to have films made from my works?

    David: Of course. One of them was put on television, I believe.

    Ian: (Shuddering.) Let’s not go into that.

    David: You didn’t like it then?

    Ian: Awful.

    David: What was the title?

    Ian: “Casino Royale”.

    David: Hmm. I must make a note of that. (Takes pen and paper.) "Casino Royale"- awful.

    Ian: Now, I’ve been working with a young film director trying to create an original story rather than having a film made from an existing novel.

    David: Go on.

    Ian: If it proceeds any further, you know that I’ve always thought of you as the ideal James Bond.

    David: Me?

    Ian: Yes, you know- the classic dashing English adventurer, debonair and handsome.

    David: Extremely kind of you to say so.

    Ian: Please, just keep it in mind. We have the basic story organised, I’m going to write the novel from it, and this young Irish chap will direct the film.

    David: That sounds very promising. What did you say his name was?

    Ian: Kevin McClory.

    David: Well, I can’t see anything going wrong with that. See you later, old thing.

    Ian: Bye, David.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    Another rousing edition 🤣 thank you 🍸

    YNWA 97
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent

    That's one of the best photos of kevin McClory I've ever seen. So lifelike!

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,978MI6 Agent

    I cannot imagine Niven as Bond, and wonder what Fleming had in mind when he suggested Nivens name.

    I imagine Niven as more the old school gentleman spy, a pre-war stereotype, maybe like Buchan's Richard Hannay, which is exactly how he played it in Casino Royale. Whereas Fleming's Bond, and especially Connery's Bond, updated the image of the spy, making him more of a working class brute who had to be taught how to put on the tux and fit into a posh casino.

    can anybody else imagine Niven in Connery's films? what would that have looked like?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    I've always seen Niven more as the gentleman jewel thief, a part he played several times- "Raffles" was the first, IIRC

    but much better known is his role as Sir Charles Lytton, the notorious Phantom, in the "Pink Panther" series"

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,978MI6 Agent

    maybe I just havent seen the right films with Niven, especially when he was a younger man, before Fleming made that quote. Fleming may have had a specific performance in mind.

    The other film I think of as the Niven persona is Around the World in Eighty Days, where he plays it incredibly uptight. That image sticks in my mind whenever I see his name. But having read Verne's book, I now get that was the character, intended to contrast with the servant Passepartout who genuinely enjoys his experiences while travelling the world. Phileas Fogg's sole motivation in the journey is to win a bet he'd made back in his London club and regards the journey as an abstract intellectual exercise.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Well, Niven did quite a few films in which he was an Army officer or similar and some of these were very well known at the time- I'd be surprised if Fleming hadn't seen "The First Of The Few" for example

    which is dated now of course but not in Fleming's time.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff
    edited April 13

    1971. Amsterdam. James Bond is impersonating captive diamond smuggler Peter Franks and has made contact with the next link in the pipeline, Tiffany Case. He is informed by Q that the real Franks has escaped and knows that if Franks makes contact with Tiffany then his cover will be blown. He hangs around Tiffany’s apartment block, doing a very unconvincing solo cuddle, until the real Franks appears then intercepts him at the lift. Or perhaps I should say elevator.

    Bond: (Terrible accent.) You are English?

    Franks: Yes, I’m English.

    Bond: (At the lift controls, accent no better.) I speak English. Who is your floor?

    Franks: Three, please.

    (They get in the lift. Bond raises his arm to punch Franks, but Franks spots this and Bond pretends to have been looking at his watch. When Franks turns back Bond draws his arm back again but smashes some glass, alerting Franks, and the two have a no-holds barred fight as the elevator rises.

    The floor button is struck and they go past Tiffany’s floor as she emerges from her door and clearly wonders wtf. The two men spill out on the floor above


    where Franks grabs a fire extinguisher and uses it to blind Bond before throwing him down to Tiffany’s floor closely followed by the fire extinguisher, killing him. No missiles, no nanobots, just a broken neck from a fall. Could happen to anybody.)

    Tiffany: Is he dead?

    Franks: I sincerely hope so. I’m Peter Franks, by the way.

    Tiffany: You’re Franks? So who is this then?

    Franks: No idea.

    (Tiffany bends over Bond’s body and removes his wallet, finding a Playboy card with his name on it. As she stands she accidentally holds the wallet upside down so a trail of papers fall out-

    ·        Several unpaid parking and speeding tickets

    ·        A letter “James, I must speak with you urgently. He’ll be going to school soon. Kissy”

    ·        Kevin McClory’s phone number

    ·        A very personal photograph of Miss Moneypenny, her eyes looking hopeful as usual

    ·        A note “Thanks for nothing, you b*****d. John Gavin”

    ·        A cheque for an eye-watering amount of money signed “A.R. Broccoli”)

    Tiffany: My God! You’ve just killed James Bond!

    Franks: Is that who it was? It just proves that no-one’s indestructible.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    More marvellousness 🤣👏🏻

    YNWA 97
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent

    Now I wonder what's in Miss Moneypenny's purse ...

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Now there's an idea. Fancy exchanging a PM or two?

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent

    Will do.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Written by Number 24 and Bride Of Barbel

    Found in Moneypenny’s purse:


    Picture of Bond covered in lipstick

    The “Ladybird Book Of Spying For Girls”

    A calendar for M with birthdays marked on it

    Knockout gas disguised as pepper spray

    A crumpled up note from the Marksmanship Section saying “Fail. Must try harder”

    Three identical bottles marked “Skittles” “Suicide Pills” and “Aspirins for 007 hangovers”

    Note to self saying “Don’t get the three bottles mixed up”

    Q’s shopping list including some… interesting magazines

    Bill’s shopping list saying pretty much the same

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,385MI6 Agent


    But surely that’s only a fraction of what’s inside the usual amount of stuff in a purse (handbag)?

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    Well, I'd be very happy to collaborate on further ideas, if you want to exchange PMs? 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff
    edited April 15


    The Diary Of Maybelle Pepper

    Monday:  Gee, it’s warm here in Tie… Thigh… Siam. I sure am glad I persuaded Jay Dubya to take a nice break here, away from all his responsibilities at home . He takes his duties so seriously sometimes, poor delicate thing what he is.


    Tuesday: I put that cute little wooden elephant on the stand beside my side of the bed. It sure was nice of Jay Dubya to buy it for me, what with him being dripping wet all over the place. I wish he would tell me what happened to make him fall in the canal.


    Wednesday: I ain’t so sure he’s managed to put all those worries behind him. He kept talking in his sleep about Black Russians and an English secret agent from England. I just wish he would relax, poor thing.


    Thursday: I am so worried about Jay Dubya. I haven’t seen him for hours now. I said to myself, now Maybelle Sue Ellen Jolene Pepper, you just gotta do something. I called the local police but they just didn’t seem interested. Last I heard he was going to take a look at some car or other. I don’t know why, ain’t as if we ain’t got those cars back home.


    Friday: Those police came and told me they had Jay Dubya in custody- said something about breaking 17 different traffic laws. I had to use all our holiday money to put up bail to get him out of their pokey little jail before he caught some tropical disease. Boy, was he angry! He ain’t shut up about it since. Beginning to think I shoulda maybe not paid that bail and just sneaked off back home.

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    What that woman had to endure 👀🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    2024. Eon HQ, inside a pyramid. MGW and BB are interviewing potential composers for their next Bond film…. whenever that is.


    BB: So tell us, do you think you can write bland and uninteresting music for one of our films that is almost identical to the one before it?

    Composer: Er… I think so, but why would you want that?

    MGW: A composer we used did that and the films were very, very successful.

    Composer: Very successful?

    BB: The first one couldn’t have been more successful

    and the other did very well too.


    Composer: Well, if that’s what you want, I suppose I could do it.

    MGW: And do you think you could manage to write music that sounds like every other action picture around?

    Composer: Oh, you mean like Hans Zi-

    BB: No names, please.


    Composer: Er… I suppose I could manage that, too.

    MGW: Then I think we can hire you.

    Composer: Oh, that’s terrific! Now, I have some ideas-

    BB: (Horrorstruck.) Ideas!!!!

    MGW: (Aghast.) Ideas!!!!

    Composer: Yes, what’s the problem?

    BB: The last composer we hired who had ideas was back in 2008.

    MGW: And if we wanted someone with ideas then we could just ask him again.

    Composer: Oh, but you see-

    BB: (Firmly.)  We’ll let you know.

    MGW: Just send the next one in on your way out, please.


  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 26,744Chief of Staff

    I like Zimmer, but the best tracks from NTTD was Barry’s music 👀

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 36,584Chief of Staff

    I suppose I just might have let some of my own feelings show through there. Maybe. 🙂

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent
    edited April 16

    N24: (shocked): Feelings!!!! A Moderator can't have feelings of his own. 😲

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 6,385MI6 Agent


    Nothing more than feelings

    Trying to forget my feelings of Bond


    Rolling down on my face

    Trying to forget my feelings of Bond


    For all my life I'll feel it

    I wish I've never met you, Bond

    I fear I’ll never see you again


    Wo-o-o feelings

    Wo-o-o feelings 

    I’ll never see you again on the screen


    Feelings like I've lost you

    And feelings like where have you gone


    For all my life I'll feel it

    Oh, when will I see you again

    But I fear I’ll never see you again


    Feelings like I’ve lost you

    Please, let me see you

    Again in my life


    Wo-o-o feelings

    Wo-o-o, feelings

    Wo-o-o, yeah

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 21,864MI6 Agent


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