Imaginary Conversations

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    I do not believe this! Once again, working independently from C&D, I've come up with a similarly-themed post!



    2008. (Press conference for “Quantum Of Solace”.)

    MGW: First of all, I’d like to thank you all for coming-
    1st Reporter: What’s it called?
    MGW: (Ignoring Reporter.)- to the press conference for this, our 22nd James-
    2nd Reporter: Yeah, but what’s the name?
    MGW: (Trying not to get annoyed.) -Bond film. We are very pleased that our last one, “Casino Royale”, was so pop-
    1st Reporter: Get to the point! We have deadlines!
    MGW: (Glaring at Reporter.) -ular, and hope to match it with this production which will be called… “Quantum Of Solace”.
    (The reporters fall silent.)
    BB: It’s a Fleming title, and we feel it important to keep in touch with where it all began.
    (Reporters mutter, “What did he say?” “How do you spell that?” etc)
    1st Reporter: Did you say “Quarter and Shoelace”?
    BB: No, “Quantum Of Solace”. It’s a short story title from Ian Fleming.
    3rd Reporter: Ah, so like “Casino Royale” it will be based on Fleming.
    BB: Well, there will be some Fleming in it.
    Purvis: (Whispers to Wade.) Did you know about this?
    Wade: (Whispers to Purvis.) Nope. We’d better find a line or two and stick them in.
    MGW: Playing James Bond for a second time is Daniel Craig, right here.
    Craig: Hello, everyone.
    2nd Reporter: Will you be driving an Aston Martin?
    Craig: Yes, I-
    1st Reporter: Will you be dying your hair?
    Craig: No, I-
    3rd Reporter: Have you talked to Pierce Brosnan?
    Craig: Yes, we’ve-
    4th Reporter: Are you glad to be back as James Bond again?
    (The reporters all begin shouting questions at once, pretty much the same questions as they asked last time. Craig turns to BB.)
    Craig: I told you I hate these things.
    BB: All part of the job, Daniel.
    (When the hubbub has died down a bit, MGW speaks again.)
    MGW: Playing our leading lady is Olga Kurylenko.
    1st Reporter: Is your part different from previous Bond leading ladies?
    Olga: Yes, my character is more Bond’s equal.
    2nd Reporter: Bond’s equal? We haven’t heard that before…. Oh, wait a minute, yes we have.
    Anatole Taubman: Hi, I play the henchman, Elvis.
    3rd Reporter: Olga, will you be wearing glamourous outfits?
    Olga: No, it’s not really that kind of story or that kind of part.
    BB: Here is Mathieu Amalric, who will be playing our villain, Mr Greene.
    Anatole: And I play his henchman, Elvis.
    1st Reporter: What can you tell us about your part, Mr Greene?
    Amalric: No no, Mr Greene is the part- I’m called Mathieu Amalric.
    2nd Reporter: Will you be trying to take over the world?
    Amalric: No, just the water.
    2nd Reporter: Huh? I don’t get it.
    Anatole: I play the henchman, Elvis.
    Amalric: You’re just going to have to watch the film to understand.
    BB: Our director is Marc Forster.
    Forster: Good evening.
    1st Reporter: How will this film compare to its predecessor?
    Forster: It will be a very different kind of film.
    Wade: (Whispers to Purvis.) Yeah, “Casino Royale” was good. (Purvis has a sudden fit of coughing.)
    (The reporters listen while Forster goes on about earth, water, fire etc then get bored.)
    3rd Reporter: Will there be a lot of action?
    Forster: Yes- it’ll be like a bullet from a gun.
    Anatole: I play Elvis, the henchman.
    (The reporters all scribble down “bullet from a gun”.)
    BB: Returning as our composer is David Arnold.
    Arnold: Hello, there.
    2nd Reporter: Will the song from this film be as good as the last one, Mr Arnold?
    Arnold: If they let me write it again it will be.
    BB: David!
    MGW: Well, thanks everyone, and it’s time to go.
    Anatole: Er, hello? I play Elvis, the henchman.
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,697MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
    Are you guys " The Odd Couple " secretly living together :D
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,303MI6 Agent
    :o :o :o Now that is a bit spooky... {[]
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    :)) :)) :)) :))
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,697MI6 Agent
    I think an ESP test should be done :))
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,303MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :))
    Are you guys " The Odd Couple " secretly living together :D

    We're more like Statler and Waldorf, sharing a balcony above the AJB stalls... :))

    IMG-3113.jpg
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    Well, I'll be totally honest here-

    C&D and I have exchanged ideas via email for earlier posts (you'll see us acknowledging each other) but not this time. This happened before, when we both did similar posts on Wint & Kidd by complete coincidence at the same time.

    Maybe TP is right, there's some ESP going on....
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,303MI6 Agent
    I've been thinking of doing a QOS Elvis post for ages, mainly because I couldn't (still can't) for the life of me work out who thought he'd be a memorable or imposing henchman, and it just came back to me today and kind of wrote itself in five minutes flat. So maybe it is an ESP thing... Extraordinarily Similar Posts...
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,697MI6 Agent
    A new century, new powers are emerging !!! is this the new future for mankind
    our own Wolverine and Magneto ;)
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,606MI6 Agent
    2008. A large, darkened room, furnished only with a vast rectangular conference table, at the head of which sits a man in semi-darkness. Dozens of figures, also in shadow, sit at the desk or stand behind their counterparts. The man at the head of the table speaks.


    Greene: ... OK. Next item on the agenda: recruitment.
    (Voice from the back): Ahh, Mr Greene?
    Greene (startled): Who said that?
    (Voice from the back again): Mr Greene, it's Janet from HR here.
    Greene: HR? We have HR?
    Janet: Yes, Mr Greene. Quantum is an equal opportunities employer, and we need to make sure you're complying with all current legislation.
    Greene: Oh God. (Pauses) Where was I? Oh yes - recruitment. I've beeen chatting with our Supreme Leader, Ernst, and he advises that I need a henchman...
    Janet: Or woman.
    Greene: Sorry?
    Janet: Henchwoman. Or better still, just henchperson.
    Greene: Henchperson?
    Janet: Yes.
    Greene: Oh God (pauses). Ok, I need to recruit a 'henchperson'. Someone big and burly, physically imposing, dangerous, able to poke someone's eye out with their thumbs...
    Janet (tutting): Oh no, no, no, Mr Greene! That would unduly prejudice a large section of the potential workforce, especially the digitally-challenged, and I don't mean those without IT skills, but those without thumbs; and besides it would breach all sorts of rules and regulations! (She unfolds a piece of paper from her pocket). Look, I've prepared something, why don't we use this? "Secret organisation seeks Henchperson. Must be willing to travel. Driving licence an advantage. Prior experience, age, lack of physical presence, lack of frightening name, lack of fighting skills not an issue. Needs clean criminal record."
    Greene (burying his head in his hands): That's utterly ridiculous! That's so measly, even my sister's boy Elvis would fit the bill! And there's no way on earth I'd have someone like him as my henchma...hench-bloody-person!

    :)) :)) :))
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    Extraordinarily Similar Posts...

    :)) :)) :))

    Mine came to me while driving earlier today.
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,697MI6 Agent
    Hang on a minute, I've just realised. Barbel have you been collaborating with other
    people ? .... I thought we were exclusive :# Typical bloody man, Fill a young ( ish )
    incredibly good looking AJBer with promises of fame, respect and custard creams,
    then off with the first member with an enhanced modem !! ...... :D
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    36db8bf0b21c0c780ff6d5b91a16c7d4.jpg
  • The Spy Who Never DiesThe Spy Who Never Dies UKPosts: 642MI6 Agent
    These are priceless. C&D – The whole conversation was great. I especially love these responses from Greene.
    Greene: HR? We have HR?
    Janet: Yes, Mr Greene. Quantum is an equal opportunities employer, and we need to make sure you're complying with all current legislation.
    Greene: Oh God. (Pauses) Where was I? Oh yes - recruitment. I've beeen chatting with our Supreme Leader, Ernst, and he advises that I need a henchman...
    Janet: Or woman.
    Greene: Sorry?
    Janet: Henchwoman. Or better still, just henchperson.
    Greene: Henchperson?


    When reading them, I could actually hear his voice saying them. And you wrote it in 5 minutes! It would take me 5 days and it wouldn’t be half as funny.

    And yes, very strange that you, Barbel, should have a similar idea. Cue Twilight Zone music. This is spot on:
    Craig: I told you I hate these things.
    BB: All part of the job, Daniel.


    (The reporters listen while Forster goes on about earth, water, fire etc then get bored.)

    All you needed was wind and heart and you’d have the Planeteers from Captain Planet. :))

    And I thought of Statler and Waldorf when I read this:

    Wade: (Whispers to Purvis.) Yeah, “Casino Royale” was good. (Purvis has a sudden fit of coughing.)

    You guys are very talented, the new improved Purvis and Wade!
  • The Spy Who Never DiesThe Spy Who Never Dies UKPosts: 642MI6 Agent
    A new century, new powers are emerging !!! is this the new future for mankind
    our own Wolverine and Magneto ;)

    You mean personkind :))
  • Westward_DriftWestward_Drift Posts: 2,674MI6 Agent
    A new century, new powers are emerging !!! is this the new future for mankind
    our own Wolverine and Magneto ;)

    You mean personkind :))

    Person has son in it. It is blatantly sexist. I am triggered. :)) :)) :)) :D :D :D
  • ThunderpussyThunderpussy Behind you !Posts: 63,697MI6 Agent
    Spy, you've let slip your real
    Identity ........ Justin Trudeau ! ;)
    "I've been informed that there ARE a couple of QAnon supporters who are fairly regular posters in AJB."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    1965. (Briefing room.)

    M: Well, that’s all until you discuss your individual assignments with me personally.
    (All file out. 008 turns to 006.)
    008: So, where are you expecting to get then?
    006: Oh, Russia without a doubt. I’ve had extensive experience operating there- dropping in, shooting out. Speak Russian like a native. What about you?
    008: Nassau for sure. If I’m lucky.
    006: Half of everything is luck, 008.

    (M’s office.)
    M: I've assigned you to Station D, Germany. Group Captain Higgins here will be your Air Force Liaison.
    (Group Captain Higgins smiles and nods. He crosses his legs, displaying an unconventional choice in footwear.)
    008: Sir, I respectfully suggest that you change my assignment to Nassau.
    M: No, I’ve assigned that to 007.
    008: But, sir, I’ve been working in Nassau for the last ten years. I have extensive contacts there. Mr Pinder and Miss Caplan have been my colleagues and we work well together.
    M: No.
    008: But-
    M: No ‘buts’, 008, you’re going to Germany.

    (Moneypenny’s office.)
    008: I just don’t get it, Penny, I’m the obvious choice for Nassau.
    Moneypenny: Yes, I know, I’m sorry.
    008: What did 007 say? How did he convince the old man to send him to Nassau?
    Moneypenny: He had a picture of a pretty girl.
    008: Oh. I see.
  • The Spy Who Never DiesThe Spy Who Never Dies UKPosts: 642MI6 Agent
    A new century, new powers are emerging !!! is this the new future for mankind
    our own Wolverine and Magneto ;)

    You mean personkind :))

    Person has son in it. It is blatantly sexist. I am triggered. :)) :)) :)) :D :D :D


    Apologies :)) Can’t use humankind any more. And if we go with people, non-vegetarians could get upset. :))
  • The Spy Who Never DiesThe Spy Who Never Dies UKPosts: 642MI6 Agent
    Spy, you've let slip your real
    Identity ........ Justin Trudeau ! ;)


    Or am I Janet from HR?
  • The Spy Who Never DiesThe Spy Who Never Dies UKPosts: 642MI6 Agent
    Barbel wrote:
    1965. (Briefing room.)

    M: Well, that’s all until you discuss your individual assignments with me personally.
    (All file out. 008 turns to 006.)
    008: So, where are you expecting to get then?
    006: Oh, Russia without a doubt. I’ve had extensive experience operating there- dropping in, shooting out. Speak Russian like a native. What about you?
    008: Nassau for sure. If I’m lucky.
    006: Half of everything is luck, 008.

    (M’s office.)
    M: I've assigned you to Station D, Germany. Group Captain Higgins here will be your Air Force Liaison.
    (Group Captain Higgins smiles and nods. He crosses his legs, displaying an unconventional choice in footwear.)
    008: Sir, I respectfully suggest that you change my assignment to Nassau.
    M: No, I’ve assigned that to 007.
    008: But, sir, I’ve been working in Nassau for the last ten years. I have extensive contacts there. Mr Pinder and Miss Caplan have been my colleagues and we work well together.
    M: No.
    008: But-
    M: No ‘buts’, 008, you’re going to Germany.

    (Moneypenny’s office.)
    008: I just don’t get it, Penny, I’m the obvious choice for Nassau.
    Moneypenny: Yes, I know, I’m sorry.
    008: What did 007 say? How did he convince the old man to send him to Nassau?
    Moneypenny: He had a picture of a pretty girl.
    008: Oh. I see.

    Another brilliant one! How do you keep coming up with them so often? I hope you are keeping a hard copy of them all.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    1983. (Eon HQ, inside a giant supertanker undetectable by radar.)

    Cubby: So, how are the tests going with Brolin, John?
    John: Well, I’m not sure, Cubby. Maybe with a bit more coaching he can get the accent.
    Cubby: Just keep at it for the moment.
    (Phone rings, MGW answers.)
    MGW: Hello? Yes… Oh. Right… I’ll tell him. Thanks.
    Cubby: What was that, Michael?
    MGW: It seems that our old friend Kevin-
    (Cubby shivers.)
    MGW: -has got the go-ahead to make his own Bond film. He’s planning to get it into the cinemas at the same time as ours, and Sean Connery-
    (Cubby weeps.)
    MGW: -will be playing Bond.
    John: This spells trouble.
    Cubby: That it does. (Thinks for a while.) I believe we’ll be saying a polite “Thanks but no thanks” to Mr Brolin.
    MGW: Do you want me to phone that Dalton guy?
    Cubby: No, not yet. I think that it’s time for us to bring out the big guns. (Sighs.) We’re going to have to bring Roger back.
    John: But, Cubby, audiences might notice that he’s 73 now.
    Cubby: Lots of make-up and lots of stuntmen. No, we need Roger.
    MGW: It’ll cost you…
    Cubby: I know, I know. But at this point I don’t believe we have a choice. Phone him, Michael.
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,303MI6 Agent
    Barbel wrote:
    1965. (Briefing room.)

    (M’s office.)
    M: I've assigned you to Station D, Germany. Group Captain Higgins here will be your Air Force Liaison.
    (Group Captain Higgins smiles and nods. He crosses his legs, displaying an unconventional choice in footwear.)
    ...

    Moneypenny: He had a picture of a pretty girl.
    008: Oh. I see.

    :)) :)) :)) Brilliant as always, Barbel!
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    {[] Thanks!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    2015. (The Royal Premiere of “Spectre”)

    (The Queen and the Duke emerge from their limousine.)

    The Queen: Good evening, Mr Wilson and Miss Broccoli.
    MGW: (Amazed that the names are correct.) Ah, good evening, Your Majesty.
    BB: Good evening, ma’am.
    MGW: May I present our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig?
    The Queen: Good evening, Mr Craig.
    Craig: Good evening, ma’am.
    The Queen: Your fourth James Bond film, one believes?
    Craig: That is so, Your Majesty.
    The Queen: And will there be a fifth?
    Craig: I’d rather slash my-
    BB: Daniel!

    MGW: (Hurriedly.) Our lovely leading lady, Mme Lea Seydoux.
    The Queen: Good evening, Mme Seydoux.
    Lea: Good evening, ma’am.
    The Queen: And who do you play?
    Lea: I play Dr Madeleine Swann.
    The Queen: Ah, Madeleine and Swann as in “À la recherche du temps perdu" no doubt.
    (Further down the line, Purvis and Wade exchange a high five. Someone got it!)
    The Duke: What? What are you going on about?
    The Queen: Never mind, Philip.

    BB: May I present Miss Moneypenny, the beautiful Naomie Harris?
    The Queen: Good evening, Miss Harris.
    Naomie: Good evening, ma’am.
    The Duke: You were in the last one, weren’t you?
    Naomie: That’s so, sir.
    The Duke: And you told me you weren’t Miss Moneypenny, said you were someone called “Eve”.
    Naomie: Well, I didn’t want to give away the surprise, sir.
    The Duke: Hmph.

    BB: Next is Christoph Waltz.
    The Queen: Ah, and what part do you play, Herr Waltz?
    Waltz: I play Franz Oberhauser, ma’am.
    The Duke: Ha, you don’t fool me. You play that Blofeld chap, don’t you?
    Waltz: Well, I-
    BB: (Quickly.) No no, Your Highness, Christoph is quite right, he plays Franz Oberhauser.
    The Duke: Oh no you don’t. I got fooled by that Miss Moneypenny gal, I’m not falling for that again. Where’s your white cat?

    MGW: (Moving along briskly.) Next is Ralph Fiennes, who plays M.
    The Queen: Ah, hello again Mr Fiennes.
    Ralph: Always a pleasure, Your Majesty.
    The Duke: Not been climbing any mountains recently, eh, Fiennes? This acting business seems a bit safer!
    Ralph: Ah, that was my uncle, sir.
    The Duke: You sure?
    Ralph: Yes, sir, quite sure.

    BB: Next, ma’am, is Mr Rory Kinnear.
    The Queen: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?
    Rory: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
    The Queen: Bill Tanner?
    The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
    (The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and move on. Rory sighs.)

    MGW: Next, ma’am, is the lovely Monica Bellucci.
    The Duke: Ah, your face seems familiar.
    Monica: Perhaps Your Highness has seen some of my Italian movies?
    The Duke: Yes, that’ll be… Oh, er, sorry, my mistake. (Reddening.) I haven’t seen you in any Italian movies. Or any movies. Never seen any Italian movies. Oh no.
    BB: Perhaps we should go in now, ma’am?
    The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,303MI6 Agent
    :)) :)) :)) (I wonder if Mr Kinnear (who?) ever frequents these pages? :o :)) )
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,990Chief of Staff
    If he does, I hope he knows that this is all in fun. He's a superb actor- I thought he was really good in "Penny Dreadful"- and the joke is aimed at the character of Tanner, who is hardly remembered outside the Bond fan community (I bet not too many would know his first name, for example).
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,303MI6 Agent
    Agreed - his portrayal of The Monster, as it were, was superb. {[]
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 2,602MI6 Agent
    it's only in my most recent viewing of the Craig films I even noticed Bill Tanner is a character.
    I certainly cant imagine him being CraigBond's best friend!
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,303MI6 Agent
    Much like Felix Leiter, they really haven't nailed Fleming's description of Bill Tanner at all.

    And Michael Kitchen, though a fine actor like Rory Kinnear, is as far removed from the tough ex-Sapper of the novels as Cec Linder is to the Leiter described by Fleming.
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
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