Imaginary Conversations

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  • Shady TreeShady Tree London, UKPosts: 2,702MI6 Agent
    edited January 3

    Happy New Year, guys - and what a tour de force!

    Gets me thinking that in a future Bond movie the villain and her henchman could be a vengeful Duchess and her dark (or ginger) Prince, launching rockets (metaphorical or otherwise) on London (or Windsor) from a luxurious Californian lair, like Shakespearean malcontents leaving Bond in a right royal quandary On Her Majesty's Service. A certain other Prince might well feel like going the way of DAD's Colonel Moon this year, booking himself into Dr Alvarez's clinic for some DNA replacement therapy - particularly any sort which alters one's ability to sweat - before landing back into public life with a Union Jack parachute to the strains of The (culture) Clash. As Drax might have added, "A shooting weekend. Just a straightforward shooting weekend. You missed, Ms Maitlis!" Emily Maitlis: "Did I?"

    Critics and material I don't need. I haven't changed my act in 50 years.
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent

    😂😂😂

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    😄😄😄 That's hilarious!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    1962. Ian and Anne Fleming lie in bed, enjoying their early morning coffee. It’s very strong coffee, from De Bry in New Oxford Street, brewed in an American Chemex, of which they will drink two large cups, black and without sugar.


    Anne: Is everything all right, Ian?

    Ian: Yes, my darling. I’m just stuck for ideas for my next book. Can you help me?

    Anne: Again? Didn’t I come up with the idea for robbing Fort Knox?

    Ian: (Sadly.) You give me that idea every time you go shopping, my love.

    Anne: And every time you poke me for new ideas before I’ve had my first coffee, I get the urge to send you raking the moon in a rocket.

    Ian: Point taken.

    Anne: And wasn’t it my idea to put him on the Orient Express?

    Ian: No, it was my idea to put you on the Orient Express, but you talked me out of it.

    Anne: Well, it was definitely my idea about the flying car.

    Ian: But that wasn’t in a Bond book, my darling.

    Anne: Well, put Bond in an invisible car, then.

    Ian: (Splutters his coffee.) Invisible car????

    Anne: Yes, an invisible car. (Happily.) I like that idea.

    Ian: I am NOT putting James Bond in an invisible car! Might as well ask me to have him surfing over icebergs!

    Anne: Now, don’t be silly, Ian.

    Ian: Well, you started it.

    Anne: So, what are you going to do then?

    Ian: Oh, I don’t know. I found this manuscript on my desk, from a Vivienne Michel. I suppose I might take a look at that.

    Anne: All right, then. More coffee?



    Now here’s what actually happened….

    2021. Barbel and Bride of Barbel lie in bed, enjoying their early morning tea (her) and coffee (him).


    Bride of Barbel: Is everything all right, my love?

    Barbel: Yes, my darling. I’m just stuck for ideas for my next Imaginary Conversation. Can you help me?

    Bride of Barbel: Again? Didn’t I come up with the idea of the company making the bulldogs?

    Barbel: Yes, of course you did.

    Bride of Barbel: Well, how about Ian Fleming and Mrs Fleming are enjoying their early morning tea/coffee and he asks her for ideas for his next book?

    Barbel: Brilliant! I’ll do that!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent

    To Bride of Barbel! (or should it be Barbelella?) 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    Oh, I wouldn't recommend calling her that!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent

    Not even the North Sea and lockdown can keep me safe?

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 3,394MI6 Agent

    wait, a pun on the Bride of Frankenstein is less offensive than a pun on Barbarella?

    ..vs...

    does the Bride of Barbel perhaps not know the Husband of the Bride of Barbel is a fan of old Universal horror movies and does not get the reference?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    But of course she knows!

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent

    Did I mention I live in an apartment building in Oslo? 🙄

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    With thanks to Gymkata and Charmed & Dangerous


    1965. Q Branch.

    Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. A miniaturised grenade, hidden inside this wristwatch, here.

    Bond: That’sh amazing, Q, but, er, I’d like to ashk you…

    Q: Yes?

    Bond: It’sh a bit embarrashing… Oh well, I shupposhe I’ll have to ashk. You know I have a lot of shwimming coming up, in the Bahamash?

    Q: Yes, of course.

    Bond: Well… have you got shome short of waterproof glue?

    Q: Waterproof glue? Oh, for your toupee, you mean.

    Bond: (Taken aback.) You know about that?

    Q: I think everyone knows about that. Yes, of course, here.

    (Q hands Bond a tube marked “Stay-On: guaranteed to keep your hair on your head.”)

    Bond: And it’ll work underwater?

    Q: Yes, definitely.

    Bond: And if I get in a fight and it getsh pulled off? What then?

    Q: Take this. (He hands Bond a small Charlie Chaplin moustache.) Slap it on your head and it will expand to cover your scalp. For short periods only, of course- say about four minutes.

    Bond: Thanksh, Q. Where should I hide it?

    Q: In your chest hair, of course. No-one will spot it there.


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    1969. Q Branch.

    Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. It's called a voice changer.

    Bond: Whaddya say?

    Q: A voice changer. Here, try it.

    Bond: (Through voice changer.) Thish ridiculoush contraption acshually sheemsh to work, Q.

    Q: No, don't use that setting- here, let me help.

    Bond: (Sir Hilary's voice.) Oh, that's very good.

    Q: Thought you might be able to use it soon.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    1978. Christmas in Q Branch.

    Q: ….and this is something I’ve been working on. It’s a-

    Bond: One moment, Q. Please take a look at this book which I received in the MI6 “Secret Santa” celebration.

    Q: Oh? How do you know it’s from me?

    Bond: I am a spy, Q.

    Q: Some opinions may vary on that one.

    Bond: “The Sid James Book Of Double Entendres”.

    Q: Most appropriate.

    Bond: (Reading from book.) Young Lady “I like to be in bed at a reasonable hour”. James “I assure you, I’ll do my very best”.

    Q: I can just hear you saying that.

    Bond: Young Lady “I love an early morning ride”. James “I’m an early riser myself.”.

    Q: You’ll use that one eventually, I’m sure of that. Now, about this present which I received- a practical joke kit.

    Bond: Sounds like you’ll have plenty of fun with that!

    Q: Hmmm, well… what would you suggest I do with this whoopee cushion, for instance?

    Bond: Slip it on M’s chair next time you’re in his office. He’ll love it!


    ----------------------------------------------------------------


    1988. Q Branch.

    Q: ….and this is something I’ve been working on. I got it from a man called Roddenberry. It’s called a humour chip.

    Bond: A humour chip?

    Q: Yes, it makes a person more able to understand jokes and how they work.

    Bond: I see. What do you intend to do with it?

    Q: Well, if I implant it into your brain you’ll be able to-

    Bond: No way!


    ---------------------------------------------------------------


    2002. Q Branch.

    Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. It’s called an “Autotune”.

    Bond: Autotune? What’s that?

    Q: If a person cannot sing in tune, it alters the notes so that it sounds as if they are singing in tune.

    Bond: And does it sound good?

    Q: Well… well, it makes them sound… ah… different. But it does sound better than if they hadn’t had the help.

    Bond: Why would I want this?

    Q: Em… and here, this is a guide to the Greek islands. You may be needing this.


    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    2016. Q Branch.

    Q: ...and this is something I’ve been working on. It’s called a family tree.

    Bond: A family… what did you say?

    Q: A family tree. Look, there’s you, you see? And above you are your parents, Andrew and Monique, and your aunt Charmain.

    Bond: Yes, but who are all these other people?

    Q: Well, you keep coming across relations you don’t know about, so I thought some form of early warning might be useful. See, here’s your brother Franz… or should I say, Ernst?

    Bond: He’s not really my- and who’s this "Mathilde" hurriedly written in at the bottom?

    Q: Ah. You noticed that. Well you see, James, sometimes when a man and a woman really love each other, they-

    Bond: Cut that out!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,154MI6 Agent

    oh man, Brosnan's talk-singing of ABBA songs is truly something to behold.

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent

    Keep up the good ..... Nay, great work!

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,354MI6 Agent

    Barbel, that's hilarious! "Auto tune"! 😂😂😂😂😂

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    Thanks, guys. 😃

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff


    2022. The new James Bond is announced!

    Look forward to:

    LIVE AND LET LIE

    FOR YOUR LIES ONLY

    THE LYING DAYLIGHTS

    GOLDENLIE

    TOMORROW NEVER LIES

    LIE ANOTHER DAY

    LIEFALL

    NO TIME TO LIE

    and of course

    GOLDFIBBER (“Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr Johnson, I expect you to lie!”)

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent

    Now our fears that the next James Bond will be woke can be put to rest. Thank God!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,154MI6 Agent

    No YOU ONLY LIE TWICE? THE SPY WHO LIED TO ME? A VIEW TO A FIB? THE LIES ARE NOT ENOUGH?

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    Well, he's lied more than twice; he ain't no spy; his views are limited; and by now surely he's told enough of them.

  • chrisno1chrisno1 LondonPosts: 2,065MI6 Agent

    Dr Fib ? From Russia with Lies ? Thunderbollox ? The Man with the Silver Tongue ? [bit of a stretch there] Fibraker ?

    Should Bond be resurrected, the man even has young children.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    😁😁😁 okay okay, @chrisno1 and @Gymkata , you win!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,154MI6 Agent

    Much, much praise for THUNDERBOLLOX. That made me laugh out loud.

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent

    Give the man a break. Think back a year or so. The world has seen much worse liers.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    Without him, British comedy would have to work a lot harder for material. In my defence, I don't use him a lot here and it would be odd for a Brit to make no jokes about our Government at all. It's almost a national sport.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent
    edited January 5

    Good points, and Boris clearly has the flexibility of a man without a spine. What I am saying this: There's an aniversary coming up shortly reminding us of bigger and more dangerous lies.

    You're having fun and making good jokes and I shouldn't have tried to meddle, but as bad as Boris is I don't think he's a threath to democracy.

    Please continue being silly! 😀

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,354MI6 Agent
    edited January 6

    😂😂😂

    you missed Quantum of Solies, not to mention Liemonds Are Forever...

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,154MI6 Agent

    I'm tempted to change my name to Thunderbollocks. That's just too good.

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 33,448Chief of Staff

    He's back!

    By demand all the way from Minnesota to England (though not Norway or Scotland) Boris returns as Bond in


    DR. FIB

    FROM RUSSIA WITH LIES

    YOU ONLY LIE TWICE

    LIEMONDS ARE FOREVER

    THE MAN WITH THE SILVER TONGUE

    THE SPY WHO LIED TO ME

    FIBRAKER

    A VIEW TO A FIB

    LIECENCE TO KILL

    THE LIES ARE NOT ENOUGH

    And of course everyone's favourite

    THUNDERBOLLOX ("What sharp little lies you've got")


    Barbel denies all knowledge of the atrocious puns above. Well, most of them, anyhow.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 19,990MI6 Agent

    I think you should grab that idea and run with it!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 4,154MI6 Agent
    edited January 6

    Interior: SPECTRE Headquarters

    Blofeld enters his office carrying Sniffles, his white cat. He walks over to his desk, sets Sniffles down, and opens up his laptop. After trying a few times to access his VPN, he's finally successful. After looking at the clock on the wall, he puts on a set of earbuds, takes off his KN95 mask, and dials in on the virtual meeting...


    Beep

    ('WhiteCat...has joined the meeting.')

    Blofeld: 'Anyone else on the call?'

    (silence)

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has joined the meeting.')

    Drax: 'Hello...can you hear me?'

    Blofeld: 'Hi Hugo, yes...I can...'

    Drax: 'Can you hear me? Hello?'

    Blofeld: 'I can hear you, Drax. Can you he...'

    Drax: 'I'm going to try again.'

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has left the meeting.')

    Beep

    ('WebbedFingers4U...has joined the meeting.')

    Stromberg: 'Good morning.'

    Blofeld: 'Good morning yourself, Mr. Stromberg.'

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has joined the meeting.')

    Drax: 'Can you hear me now?'

    Stromberg: 'Ah, Hugo. Yes, we can...'

    Drax: 'HELLO???? Can you hear me?'

    Stromberg: 'Hugo, yes. We can hear you.'

    Blofeld: 'It's on his end. He tried before and...'

    Drax: 'HELLO!!!! This is infuriating, the connectivity down here in South America is definitely not up to standards. Hold on, let me try again...'

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has left the meeting.')

    Blofeld: 'I have a strong connection here myself.'

    Stromberg: 'Yes, you sound nice and clear. I have a strong connection as well. I surfaced Atlantis to make sure I would not have any issues.'

    Blofeld: 'A wise decision.'

    Stromberg: 'Hold on a moment...going on mute. (pause) Well go and get her then. Yes, now. Get her. Right...'

    Blofeld: 'Stromberg! You're not on mute! YOU'RE NOT MUTED!!!'

    Stromberg: '...and make sure she takes that elevator, OK?'

    Beep

    ('KeyLargo...has joined the meeting.')

    Largo: 'Hi, sorry I'm late.'

    Stromberg: 'No, THAT elevator over there.'

    Largo: 'My God, man. Is that Stromberg yelling?'

    Blofeld: 'Yes, he thinks he's muted. STROMBERG!!!!'

    Beep

    ('PokerGod...has joined the meeting.')

    Le Chiffre: 'Gentlemen, I'm here.'

    Stromberg: 'Right...THAT elevator.'

    Le Chiffre: 'Oh God, Stromberg again?'

    Blofeld: 'Yep.'

    Le Chiffre: 'He never can use that mute button right.'

    Beep

    ('BlackLotus...has joined the meeting.')

    Drax: 'HELLO!!!!??? Is this working now?'

    Blofeld: 'Hugo! We can hear you. Can you hear...'

    Drax: 'HELLO!!!!???'

    Largo: 'Oh God, who invited Drax to this?'


    Blofeld taps a button on his laptop keyboard. Instantly, there's a ZAPPING sound coming through everyone's headsets. Drax goes silent.


    Blofeld: 'That takes care of Hugo. We'll find a suitable replacement later. Now, to business.'

    Beep

    ('BigBigBig...has joined the meeting.')

    Mr. Big: 'Sorry I'm late.'

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has joined the meeting.')

    Blofeld: 'Auric, I assume that's you?'

    (silence)

    Blofeld: 'Auric?'

    (silence)

    Largo: 'He may be on mute.'

    Blofeld: 'Well, let's get started.

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has left the meeting.')

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has joined the meeting.')

    Blofeld: 'Auric, are you...')

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has left the meeting.')

    Stromberg: 'Right, in that elevator.'

    Largo: 'Can we please mute Stromberg already?'

    Blofeld: 'Agreed.'


    Blofeld taps a button on his laptop.


    Blofeld: 'Now, first of all...'

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has joined the meeting')

    Goldfinger: 'Sorry about that. The wifi here is not reliable.'

    (there are sounds of other people in the background)

    Blofeld: 'Auric...are you in a Starbucks?'

    Goldfinger: 'Yes. Is that a problem?'

    Barista (in the background): 'I've got a mobile order for Steve! Steve!'

    Blofeld: 'You're using a public wifi, Auric. Those are not secure!'

    Goldfinger: 'Hold on, could you repeat that?'

    Blofeld: 'I said you're using a public...'

    Barista (in the background): 'I've got a mobile order for Pradeep! Pradeep! Here's your cold brew with 3 pumps of caramel syrup and a splash of coconut milk.'

    Blofeld: 'Enough!'


    Blofeld taps another button on his laptop. The sound of a power surge can be heard through everyone's headsets.


    Goldfinger: 'AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!'

    Beep

    ('PreciousMetal...has left the meeting')

    Largo: 'Please tell me you didn't blow up that Starbucks!'

    Blofeld: 'Of course I did.'

    Largo: 'Didn't you hear? Pradeep was there!'

    Mr. Big: 'Oh man, yeah. My man Pradeep. I was working with him on a deal for a shark tank.'

    Le Chiffre: 'I had a conference call scheduled with him next week!'

    Blofeld: 'ENOUGH!!! We must get down to business.'

    Beep

    ('CrabKey...is in the lobby.')

    Blofeld: 'Can somebody admit No, please?'

    Largo: 'I just did. It says something went wrong.'

    Beep

    ('CrabKey...is in the lobby.')

    Mr. Big: 'I'll try. Nope, it rejected him.'

    Beep

    ('CrabKey...is in the lobby.')

    Mr. Big: 'Hold on, I'm going to ping him on Slack.'

    Le Chiffre: 'I bet he's having an issue with the meeting code.'

    Mr. Big: 'That's exactly what he just said. Apparently the virtual meeting isn't accepting his code.'

    Blofeld: 'Tell him to dial in on his phone.'

    Mr. Big: 'You got it, Jack.'

    Beep

    ('Unknown Caller...has joined the meeting')

    Blofeld: 'Is that you, No?'

    Dr. No: 'Yes.'

    Beep

    (WhiteCat...has left the meeting')


    Blofeld looks down at his laptop. 'Your laptop will restart in 30 seconds. Please save any open work now to avoid any data loss.'


    Blofeld: 'Bloody COVID.'

    Current rankings (updated 12/21)
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>NTTD>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>DN>YOLT>OP>
    TND>TWINE>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
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