Gymkata, nice angle to come up with. By this point, well over 100 Imaginary Conversations I think (I ain't counting them), it's finding different angles to pursue that's the hardest part. I enjoyed the Premieres very much, but there's no more of them left. Similarly with the Publishers Meetings. Perhaps more of the newspaper headlines...? Anyway, it's fun finding out what happens next- I really don't know, either!
more mashups between Bond and nonBond universes please!
Ok, I'll do you one-
1968. A hotel room, somewhere in Europe. James and Emma roll back on their respective pillows.
Emma: Oh James, that was wonderful.
James: We aim to pleashe. (Reaches for his cigarettes.) Would you like one?
Emma: No, thanks, I prefer my own. (She reaches into her discarded leather catsuit.)
James: It amazesh me how you can get thoshe into that shuit, with it being sho tight.
Emma: (Lighting cigarette.) Oh, there are many things about me that would amaze you.
James: I’m looking forward to learning more. (They kiss.)
Emma: Why not? We have all the time in the world.
James: Well, perhapsh not- I have to go to America tomorrow. (Looks at Rolex watch.) Well, later today, now.
Emma: America? You’re not meeting up with that Cathy Gale, are you?
James: No, of courshe not. (Pauses.) Not exactly…
Emma: There’s only one solution for all this. James, I want to get married. Right now. Today!
James: Married? (Begins to slip out of bed, reaching for his clothes.) Who shaid anything about getting married?
Emma: I did. Now.
James: Well, perhapsh we could talk about that another time. Ash I shaid, I have to leave immediately.
Emma: (Kisses him.) Immediately?
James: Almosht immediately….
Emma: As long as you remember what I said about getting married.
James: That can happen to another fellow….
you know I like the idea all our rival 60s superspies live in one big shared SpyMania universe
I wonder is there a Secret Origin how Simon Templar ended up with the James Bond 007 codename?
I refer you to Post Number 660!!!!
ah yes I see, and Monique Delacroix was looking right at the camera as she said it, so it must be true!
anyways you know what was the last "Bond" movie I watched, so that's warped my thinking, I forgot there were other versions where its not a CodeName.
Oh, just a few. Books as well.
Matt Chesse and Richard Pearson are in an editing bay, trying to make sense out of all of the footage available to them.
Matt Chesse: 'Look, there's some good footage here of Bond riding the motorcycle. Looks like about a 10 second shot.'
Richard Pearson: 'Let me see it...yes, that's pretty good. The shaky cam isn't too bad here.'
MC: 'Oh totally. Everything is in focus, too. This is a really good shot. We should definitely use it.'
RC: 'Yep, we'll add it to the other shots for this sequence. Nice find.
Marc Forster walks into the room.
Marc Forster: 'Hey there, fellas. I'm back from lunch.'
Both Matt and Richard tense up.
MC: 'Oh...hi Marc. We're fine, just fine.'
RP: 'Totally find, Marc. No issues at all. It's all coming along nicely.'
MC: 'Very nicely. Yes. Very. You, uh...wouldn't want to leave us alone for a bit, would you?'
RP: 'Hey, yeah! You've probably got something else you could be doing, right?'
MF: 'No, I should be here working with you. Let me see what you've got.'
Matt and Richard sigh to themselves, give each other a quick glance, and then proceed to make the best of it.
MC: 'Well...here we have a first take at editing the big motorcycle chase in Haiti. It really flows pretty nicely and I think you'll like it. Let me show you...'
All three watch the footage of the motorcycle chase.
MF: 'Well, gentlemen...a good effort. Oh, well decidedly that, an excellent effort! You've shown me something...'
Matt and Richard wait, hoping...
MF: 'Like new!'
MC: 'It is new! It is, isn't it Marc?'
MF: 'Yes, indeed!'
MC: 'Then you liked it, then? You really liked it, Marc?'
MF: 'Well of course I did! It's very good! Of course, now and then...just now and then...it seems a touch...'
MC: 'What do you mean, Marc?'
MF: 'Well, I mean, uh, occasionally it seems to have...oh, how should I say...oh, how shall one say, Richard?'
RC: 'Too many frames, Marc?'
MF: 'YES, exactly! Too many frames. Very well put, there are too many frames.'
MC: 'I don't understand. There are just as many frames are required...no more, no less.'
MF: 'Yes, well, there are now in fact only so many frames the eye can see in the course of a movie. I think I'm right in saying that, aren't I, Richard?'
RC: 'Yes. Yes, on the whole, Marc.'
MC: 'This is absurd!'
MF: 'My dear young man, don't take this so hard. Your work is genius! It's quality work. And, there are simply too many frames, that's all. Just cut a few and it'll be perfect.'
MC: 'Which few did you have in mind, Marc?'
MF: 'Well...there it is.'
😁 Much too gentle on Forster, Gymkata!
Nice references to "Amadeus" too 😂
That was my entire inspiration for this. I use 'too many notes' all the time in conversations about music, movies, or related to refer to something that is just TOO MUCH or simply overkill.
I love it when a bit of culture sneaks into these!
Culture can happen to anyone, no matter how much one tries to avoid it.
Indeed. A while back (I'm not going through 39 pages to find it) I did a rip-of.... er, homage to Shakespeare- the porter scene from "Macbeth", to be exact- that flew under the radar.
Just because CHB mentioned he liked these:
Flying car spotted in escape from police
After a dramatic car chase through downtown Bangkok during which several fruit stalls were overturned, a car was seen making its escape from local police by acquiring wings and flying through the air.
There are unconfirmed reports of a second flying car seen upside down over a ruined bridge not far away.
Helping the police with their enquiries is an English secret agent, from England. Witness to all these alleged events was an American tourist who said “Get your cotton-pickin' hands off me, boy! I tell ya…”
(Continued on Page 6)
In other news:
Car showroom window smashed, no tyres affected- Page 3
Free peanuts at boxing match- Page 4
US tourist seeks lost husband- Page 5
Fantastic, Barbel! These keep me chuckling for ages 😂
For those who don't know: British tabloid newspapers are a thing unto themselves, with little or no regard for facts or accuracy.
BRITISH TABLOID (Take your pick)
Sean Connery to return to part of James Bond
Connery in 1968's "On Her Majesty's Secret Service"
Welsh film director Kevin MacClorry today announced that he will be presenting Sean Connery in his much-anticipated return to the role of James Bond, which he hasn’t played since 1975’s “Live And Let Live”.
MacClurry said he has the rights to do a remake of “Goldfinger”, which Connery starred in back in 1966. “We will begin shooting in Japan next month”, he said, “where the original was set.”
The film will come out in direct competetionn with the next official James Bond movie, from Alfred R. Brocolli’s Eon Publications, who have made all the previous seventeen James Bond films. This will once again star Roger Moore in his eighth film, and will be called…
That's about right.... 😂😂😂
1974 Bangkok, Thailand
MUAY THAI MURDER
Police were called to a Muay Thai arena when it was discovered that a woman had been murdered in the stands. Her body was sitting there, somehow defying gravity and the normal physical attributes that a body takes upon being rendered deceased. The cleaning crew thought she was entranced in the fights going on until somebody noticed the fact that she was not breathing. She'd been shot in the heart but the angle of wound entry was such that it was hard to see without close examination.
Local morticians arriving on the scene chose to examine the body before moving it to find out how, exactly, it was still in an upright position considering the fact that woman was dead and had no functioning muscles to maintain the position.
'We're at a complete loss' said local mortician Phu Yock. 'I mean, I don't have a (censored) clue how she's still just sitting there. She should have just flopped on the floor like a dead fish upon being shot. This defies logic and simply biology.'
Authorties are currently looking for...
(Continued on page 6).
Gymkata, that's excellent! Especially 'slide whistle found by local bridge ' 😂😂😂
Considering your incredible run of fake articles, I'll definitely take that as a supreme compliment! Cheers!
Perhaps that's what Swedes do when they die? I've never seen a dead Swede since we haven't been at war with them for more than two hundred years, so I guess it's possible. Perhaps the welfare state keeps supporting them even when they die? I mean, they say the welfare state supports us from cradle to grave, and miss Anders wasn't burried yet was she? 🤔
I'm not sure how I should take this. Sadly, I think.
Written by Barbel, Charmed & Dangerous, CoolHandBond, and (first time!) Caractacus Potts.
1966. A large meeting room in London. Chairs are set in a semi-circle about a desk, behind which M sits. A range of handsome men enter, one of whom requires a helping hand to his seat.
Helm: All right, all right, I can do this. (Sits down rather unsteadily and slurs to himself.) ...Little old wine drinker me...
M: Well, now that we’re all here, I would like to ask your attention. I have cleared the use of your services with all of your respective chiefs.
Palmer: Do I have to be here?
M: Yes, you do.
Palmer: My chief will require a W.O.O.C.(P) Form 4/367 in triplicate with-
M: I said I had cleared the use of your services,
Palmer. Now, a threat has been detected which will require our joint efforts.
Bond: But of courshe, shir.
Flint: Oh, no no no. Mr Cramden knows that I work alone.
Solo: Lucky you. I have a sidekick who keeps stealing the limelight - and the girls.
Helm: (Singing again.) ...Everybody loves somebody...
Drake: (Shakes head in disgust and sighs.) I can't wait till I retire.
M: Silence, all of you. I would ask you all to watch this message which has been received by the United Nations.
(M leans back in his chair and begins to fill his pipe with tobacco from a large receptacle, formerly the base of a naval shell. He pats the pockets of his coat for a match. Flint moves forward.)
Flint (revealing a small gold lighter): Allow me, M.
Bond: Until they go wrong. Or exshplode.
(M harrumphs loudly and presses a red button on a small remote control at the edge of his desk. A painting on the wall slides up, to reveal a large video screen displaying a bald man holding a bald cat. A painting on the wall slides up, to reveal a large video screen displaying a bald man holding a bald cat.)
Man: (On screen.) Good evening, Mr Powers, er, I mean world powers. I have acquired a device which will release a virus onto the world and make everyone work from home and wear masks forevermore. It will destroy the world unless you pay my organization…. (Puts pinky in mouth.) One million dollars. (His eye-patched assistant whispers in his ear.) One thousand million dollars!
(Another bald headed man cradling a white cat elbows the first out of view.)
Number One: I shall be taking over from now on.
Man: (Offscreen.) Hey, now, just you- (There is a sound of electricity being discharged.) Argh!
Number One: I believe you have my position. One thousand million dollars, gentlemen, or….(The picture fades.)
M: So you see the problem which is facing us. We need to discover the lair so we are sending you out in groups. (Pauses) This is the big one, gentlemen. I will speak to each group separately. Firstly, 007, Helm and Flint meet me in my office in 20 minutes. Drake, you can come along for the briefing, but I'll need you to go with Palmer and Solo.
M: Intelligence informs us of two strange new buildings which may be involved in this plot: one in New York and one in the desert - Arizona to be precise.
Helm: (Sings.) By the time I get to Phoenix...
M: This is no time for levity, Helm, in fact it’s no time to die.
Helm: Hey, chill out, pally. You only live twice.
(Bond rises quickly and goes to slam Helm against a wall.)
Bond: Have shome reshpect, Helm, or one of ush will end up on murderer’sh row.
M: That’ll be enough, 007. And Helm - you will address me as “sir”, not “pally”.
Flint: Cool it, man. We Americans are not so uptight about our bosses.
M: Sit down, all of you. You need to work together, the world is not enough to cope with your egos.
Helm: Are there any dames where we’re going? There must be dames, I insist.
Flint: Can’t disagree with that.
Bond: Well, if the collarsh and cuffsh match…
M: Bond, Flint, Helm: You’re booked on the next flight to Arizona. Solo, Drake and Palmer: you're going to New York. I believe that should answer your question. (He pauses). You'll have to treat this mission with the utmost confidentiality. You may only use your code numbers when reporting in.
Bond: 007 reporting for duty, shir.
(Solo points to a triangular yellow badge with the number 11 on it).
Flint: I use a mathematical progression of 36 - 24 - 36. It's based on...
Helm: Pretty sure mine's a 69...
Drake: Code number? (He bangs his fist down on M's desk). I am not a...
All: We know!
Q: You'll each need transport to reach your destination.
Bond: It'sh the DB5 for me, Q. Packed with the ushual refinementsh, I hope.
Flint: My flying saucer's parked outside, if anyone wants a, um, spin?
Helm: I think your boss took my car keys, Bond. (He turns to Drake). Can I hitch a lift with you, Drake?
Drake: MI7 gave me a Mini but I'll take my Lotus. It's in the underground car park.
(A loud bang sounds in the next room. Drake, lightning quick, raises his fists. 007 spins on his heel, Walther PPK already in hand. Flint pirouettes neatly into a Kung Fu stance. Helm falls over. A muffled voice shouts in a cockney accent: )
Palmer: (Next room.) You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!
Helm: You got room for three in that car, Drake?
Bond, Flint and Helm are outside the 'strange building' in Phoenix.
Bond: Thish sheems to be the villains'sh lair.
Flint: How can you tell?
Bond: Have you ever heard of a hollowed-out volcano in Phoenix before?
Flint: Good point. But how are we going to sneak in without them noticing?
Helm: Yeah, (Hic!) how?
Bond: I have an idea. Helm, you shtart shinging.
Helm: Sure, then what?
Bond: Then, onshe the guard'sh are ashleep-
Bond: -Flint and I will shneak in!
Flint: Fair dinkum!
Bond: You shound like the other feller.
Helm: (Some time later.) ...And for hours you’re just gentle on my mind...
Bond: (Whispers to Flint.) It sheems like hoursh lishening to thish, have you any earmuffsh?
Flint: It’s worked! The guards have fallen asleep!
(The three enter the base only to come across Solo, Drake and Palmer holding Number One prisoner.)
Palmer: You’re too late - we’ve already got everything tied up and I’ve filled in the report, form CDCP003.5,...in triplicate.
Bond: How the hell did you get here she quickly?
Solo: I have a, ah, rich Uncle who can fix anything. And besides, Ilya brought us some jetpacks.
Bond: Shidekicks, eh? I'll have to ashk Q to get me one of thoshe.
Palmer: And besides, there weren't any birds in the desert.
Flint: How did you get in?
Steed: (Appearing out of nowhere.) You have no idea how useful an umbrella can be, my boy.
(The seven men turn to the seated figure before them).
Drake: So this is Number One? How does it feel to be a prisoner?
Number One: Well, six of one...
(Solo sits, looking exhausted, talking into a pen.)
Bond: What’sh the matter, Sholo ? Too big for you to handle?
Solo: Open Channel D please… Mr Waverly? Everything is fine, sir. What's that? Oh yes, sir - our gadgets are better than everyone else’s.
Flint: (Showing his lighter.) Oh, no, I don’t think so...
Bond: (Showing his rebreather.) Oh, no, I don’t think sho...
Helm: (Sings) ...Don’t look so sad, I know it’s over...
Solo: Ahem, gentlemen if you'll permit me, I need to leave - I have a, ah, pressing engagement...
(The agents squabble as Number One slips away to threaten the world anew...)
Helm: Hey! (Sings.) Return to me...
Gymkata, you're mistaken - Barbel is the author of these incredible fake articles, not me. 🍸
I'm an idiot. I meant you, Barbel. Shoot me in the head.
July, 1979: Nebraska
LARGE OBJECT SPOTTED IN LOW ORBIT
Amateur astronomers have continued to contact NASA and the US government over a large object currently in orbit above Nebraska.
'I mean, you can't miss it' stated Floyd Kramer, president of the Eastpoint High School Astronomy Club. 'It's not like you even need to look hard for it, it's right there.'
'It's been a good year now that we've been watching this thing get built. Rockets keep going up from the south and bringing supplies and stuff to it' said Jane Badfoot, president of the University of Nebraska Star Watchers. 'It's huge. It's this big ball of metal and tubes and such.'
Both astronomers showed pictures of the object in the atmosphere and it is indeed quite impressive.
'We've told NASA about once a week about the stupid thing. I mean, they have to see it right? They just say that nothing shows on radar and ignore it I guess. It's baffling.'
We contacted the US government seeking additional clarification as to why...
(continued on page 6)
Hugo Drax: A profile in Greatness (page 11)
Skydiver without parachute crashes into circus tent. Big Top Blowout! (page 13)
Atlantis: refund orders now being accepted for cancelled vacation packages (page 18)
Are these article fake, you say? But... but they are so convincing and realistic. How can this be?! 🤯
Minnesotan enters plea of idiocy
A member from Minnesota, a Mr Jim Catta, has entered a plea of idiocy after not recognising the work of Mr A. J. Barbel, founder of this thread. Seeking clemency, he has pleaded “Shoot me”.
An English member has stated that Mr Catta is mistaken, and a Norwegian member has not noticed anything whatsoever going on.
Mr Barbel has accepted the plea, stating “We’re all idiots here” and that no shooting would be required unless it is on Bond 26, to which a chorus of “Fat chance” was heard.
A German member said…
No reaction as yet to joint work in post 1165- Page 3
Unconfirmed reports of a sighting of Thunderpussy- Page 4
More fake news articles expected soon- Page 5
Balloon explodes at Millennium Dome
A powered balloon dramatically exploded at the Millennium Dome yesterday. Early reports indicate that one person was killed and one injured, suffering a displaced shoulder. Several boxes of cigars were found in the wreckage.
The explosion occurred after reports of high speed boat activity along the River Thames, starting somewhere near Vauxhall Cross, where another explosion has been unreliably reported.
Telling of a smartly-dressed man hobbling away from the scene, witnesses said...
(Continued on page 6)
Diners startled during meals- Page 3
Two traffic wardens soaked. Crowds cheer- Page 4
"This soon???"- Page 5