'Sexual Innuendo: When to Go Big, When to Go Small, and When a Raised Eyebrow Will Suffice' by Sir Roger Moore
I have to update my reading list.
C&D: It’s “The Man Of A Thousand Faces”, by Felix Leiter.
Barbel: That’s good! I wonder if they have his sequel, “I’ve Got Nothing Against My Right Leg”?
Peter Cook and Dudley Moore the Tarzan Audition sketch (3:05)! do I win a prize?
Well spotted, sir! Absolutely no prize awarded, though.
'Bourbon, No Ice: What If THE SPY WHO LOVED ME Had Never Happened?' by Sir Roger Moore
'This Happened to The Other Fella: Conversations Between George and Roger' by Lazenby/Moore
'Television Contracts: Why They Suck' by Pierce Brosnan and Tom Selleck
I like those a lot! Looks like there's going to be another box discovered soon.
"Better make that two: monogamy and AIDS" by Timothy Dalton
"Scotland forever! Tax law and living in the sun" by sir Sean Connery
"A slight stiffness: Why monogamy sucks" by George Lazenby
"You're full of it: An open letter to Kevin McClory" by Timothy Dalton
"We're here to take it back: mission in Hongkong" by Wai Lin
I'm thinking about changing my screen name to "Pandora".....
If anyone hasn't seen this marvellous sketch, please follow the link caractacus has kindly provided above. If you have, please read my poor tribute below- all credit to the late Peter Cook, I just changed the names and details.
CIA Offices, Langley. A CIA Director sits behind his desk, as the door opens and Felix Leiter hops in.
Director: Nice to see you.
Felix (Still hopping up and down.) Nice to see you.
Director: Settle down. (Puts a hand on Felix's shoulder and stops his hopping.) Uh, Mr. Leiter, is it not?
Felix Yes, Leiter’s the name, spying's my game.
Director: I see. Leiter is the name and spying is your game.
Director: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr. Leiter.
Felix: Certainly, yes.
Director: Thank you very much. (Felix hops over to a chair and rests what’s left of his left leg on it.) Mr. Leiter, er, you are applying, are you not, for the job of CIA agent?
Director: Uh, Mr. Leiter, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing -- almost immediately -- that you are a one-legged man.
Felix: Oh. You noticed that?
Director: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr. Leiter, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.
Felix: Yeah. Sort of ESP.
Director: That kind of thing, yes.
Felix: Mm, yes.
Director: Now, Mr. Leiter, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the job of a CIA agent.
Felix: Yes, right.
Director A job traditionally associated with a two-legged person...
Felix: Yes, correct, yes, yes.
Director: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the job..
Felix: Yes, right, yes.
Director: A position for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Leiter, need I point out to you without overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?
Felix: Yes, I think you ought to.
Director: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say without, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.
Felix: The leg division?
Director: The leg division, Mr. Leiter. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the job. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the job!"
Director: I've got nothing against your right leg.
Director: The trouble is -- neither have you. You, uh, you fall down on the left.
Felix: You mean it's inadequate?
Director: It is inadequate, Mr. Leiter.
Director: In my view, the public is not yet ready ...
Director: ... for the sight of a one-legged CIA agent saying “Yes, James” and “No, James” and “Are you sure, James?”
Felix: No. No, right.
Director: But don't despair, Mr. Leiter. I mean, after all, you score over a man with no legs at all. By one hundred percent.
Felix: Well, I've got twice as many.
Director: You're streets ahead!
Felix: So there's still hope?
Director: Of course there is still hope, Mr. Leiter.
Director: I mean, if we get no two-legged applicants in here within, say, the next, oh, (Checks his watch.) eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, will be the very type of person we shall be attempting to contact with a view to agentdom.
Felix: (Likes the sound of that.) Agentdom!
(Felix gets off chair, shakes hands with the Director while hopping up and down.)
Director: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite at this stage.
C&D: Hey Barbel, there's another unopened box here. Give me a hand will you? Thanks.
Barbel: It's quite heavy isn't it? Let's have a look at what's inside. Look! There are DVDs and CDs in this one as well as books:
"Brace yourself, Dolly!" by Jaws
"Braces? Don't you start, too" by Dolly
"Horrible Bosses". Audio commentary by Craig Mitchell
"Heartbreak Hotel" by Elvis. Sleeve notes by Dominic Greene
And there's still a few books left under those-
“How To Make A James Bond Film” by Charles K. Feldman
“Car Mechanics My Way” by Jack Wade (Free sledgehammer included)
“All My Own Work” by Kevin McClory. Foreword by Monty Norman
By CHB and Barbel:
TMWTGT – The Man With The Green Trainers
# He has no sartorial taste
# He wears what he thinks is chic
# A dresser that's first to no one
# The Man With The Green Trainers
# Lurking in some darkened doorway
# Or crouched in a watchshop somewhere
# ln the next room, or this very one
# The Man With The Green Trainers
M’s Office. Bond enters.
Bond: Good morning, sir. Colthorpe. Chief of Staff.
M: What do you know about a man called Higgybum?
Bond: Higgybum? Oh, yes! The Man with the Green Trainers. A spectacular mis-dresser by the time he was ten. The EEC trained him in Europe, where he became an overworked, underpaid clothing designer. He went independent in the 60’s- he’s a lot older than he looks. Now famous for his sartorial inelegance. Current price: one million dollars to make people wear a pair of green trainers in public, not even the homeless have taken up the offer. A likeness has been seen on something called AJB.
He always wears green trainers, hence 'Man with the Green Trainers' Present domicile unknown, but rumoured to be somewhere in Germany. l think that's all. Why, sir?
(M passes over a shoe box. Bond opens the lid and lifts out a pair of green trainers. Bond looks at them with barely disguised disgust and flips them over to see the soles.)
Bond: Even has my number on it.
Bond: Obviously they’re useless as footwear. Who would pay a million dollars to have me wear these in public?
M: Jealous husbands, outraged chefs, humiliated tailors. The list is endless.
Bond: Why would he want me to wear these in public?
Bill Tanner: Psychological.
Bond: Oh, are you still here, Bill?
M: As soon as you are seen wearing these your career is over.
Bond: This never happened to the other feller.
M: I’ll endorse your request to resign. Or you can take a sabbatical until you’re replaced by Timothy Dalton.
Bond: I don’t think that’s exactly what he’s hoping for, sir. Quite the opposite, in fact.
M: Yes, well, no need to get all misty-eyed about it. One more clue- you might find him buying wristwatches….
CD: Misty by Timothy Dalton
I'm guessing Higgins himself supplied you with that "likeness", CHB? I'd have thought something like...
....would have been more likely!
I’ve never seen an episode of Magnum so this mistake is all down to me, I should really leave ALL the editing to you 🤣
Oh, I wouldn't call it a mistake- it's funnier!
Just like in the movie - that Higgins guy seems to be an amicable and quite reasonable fella 😂😂
Love it btw 👍🏼
Hello my darling
I hope everything is well with you. I am writing from the beautiful hotel room that Mr Saltzman and Mr Broccoli have put me in. Everything is very pleasant.
You would not believe the size of the set that we are filming in! It appears to be inside a volcano, and has a space rocket and a monorail. I have never seen such a thing before.
Mr Gilbert, the director, has been very nice. I have to say, though, that Mr Connery has not been very sociable. When we are not filming, he just stands at the side, smoking a cigarette and rolling his eyes. He seems very impatient. I have had some difficulty with his, how do you say, Irish accent, but I think I am understanding him now.
Mr Gilbert says that the producers want to see me tonight, so I am writing to you while waiting. I enclose a photograph of me in costume with the cat I must hold. I believe it is called "Tiddles".
I am looking forward to tomorrow. Ah, there is a knock on the door. I wonder what Mr Broccoli and Mr Saltzman want to see me about.
All my love,
😂😂😂😂 Barbel and CHB - these are hilarious!
1985 Waterfront location.
Chuck Lee: Looking for something special?
Bond: Yes. Soft-shell crabs.
Chuck: Might have some in the back. (To friend.) I'll be back in a few minutes.
(They begin walking.)
Chuck: Chuck Lee, CIA. It's a pleasure working with 007.
Bond: Thanks. Now, what about Zorin?
John Glen: And cut! Roger, David, we had a bit of trouble with background noise there, we're going to have to shoot it again.
Roger: But of course, John.
David Yip: Sure thing, Mr Glen.
John: Take five, everyone, while we reset everything.
(Roger walks over to the side, where his wife Luisa is waiting with an attractive couple.)
Luisa: Roger, darling, look who's here!
Roger: Maud! How wonderful to see you!
Maud Adams: And you, too. This is my boyfriend, Steven.
Steven: Hello there.
Roger: Delighted to meet you.
Luisa: Charmed, I'm sure.
Roger: Look, I have to be back on set soon. Why don't the two of you have dinner with Luisa and I tonight?
Luisa: Yes, do.
Maud: That would be wonderful.
Roger: And, listen, I have an idea- how about you being an extra in this scene? Just walk past in the background?
Maud: That's a great idea!
Roger: I'll just clear it with John, the director- though I don't see there being a problem. John, could you spare a moment, please?
(John walks over.)
John: Yes, Roger, what is it?
Roger: You remember Maud, of course.
John: Maud, how wonderful to see you again!
Maud: And you, John.
Roger: Look, John, I've had this little idea- how about having Maud be an extra in this scene? A nice unexpected bonus for the audience!
John: That's a great idea, Roger, we'll do it right away- she can walk past while you and David are talking.
Maud: Hey, three James Bond movies!
John: Don't bother about make-up and costumes, I'll keep you out of focus- though I must admit that is a shame considering how wonderful you look.
Maud: Why, thank you, John.
John: Well, let's just get everyone ready and-
Roger: Just a minute, John.
John: What? What is it?
Roger: I've had an even better idea...
Maud: A better idea? Tell us!
Roger: We'll let everyone know that you're here, on location. The magazines and newspapers will be only too happy to pick up on that.
Roger: And we spread a rumour. We drop hints that Maud is in this scene- but she isn't. You, Steven, will be though.
John: I don't understand.
Roger: We let the rumour spread that Maud can be spotted in the waterfront scene we're shooting right now, as an extra- but she isn't. You, Steven, will be though- just as I'm about to talk to David.
Maud: Well, what's the point of that?
Roger: James Bond fans will watch the film again and again, trying to spot you- it might sell a few more tickets. And those Bond fans will spend years trying to find out exactly where you are! They'll watch the film again and again at home, fast-forwarding and rewinding, saying "Is that her here?" or "I think I saw her there"- and you're not there!
John: I just love your sense of humour, Roger- let's go for it! Right, places everyone... and action!
(I just watched Calvin Dyson's latest video, and it got me thinking...)
Very good , Barbel 😁
Some more CD’s.
Up On The Roof - Blofeld (1981)
Rule The World - The Bond Villains Band
Don’t Go Breaking My Heart - James Bond & Vespa
Don’t Speak - Oddjob
The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore - The Bond Henchmen Band
I Want To Hold Your Hand - Mr Wint & Mr Kidd
The Young Ones - Roger Moore’s Bond Girls Band
Lewis Gilbert: 'OK, Roger...that was great. Nice eyebrow work there in that last take. Now, let's try it again with...'
Production Assistant: 'Excuse me, Mr. Gilbert?'
LG: 'What, what is it? I'm busy.'
PA: 'There's someone here insisting that he speak with you.'
LG: 'Can't it wait? We're in the middle of this scene...makeup, get in there, see what you can do about his eyebrow.'
PA: 'He's very insistent.'
LG: 'Hold on, hold on...OK, who is it?'
PA: 'He's an actor, Mr. Gilbert. I think he said his name is Cliff Weber.'
LG: 'Who the heck is that? I don't know any actor by that name.'
PA: 'Neither do I. He claims that he's here for his scenes with Roger, though. Something about how he's supposed to be the costar.'
LG: 'Get Cubby over here. I don't have time for this.'
PA goes off, brings Cubby over with a vat of spaghetti sauce.
PA: 'Here he is, Mr. Gilbert.'
LG: 'Cubby, do you know what this is about? Some actor is out there claiming he's the costar.'
Cubby Broccoli: 'What's his name?'
PA: 'Cliff Weber. Or something. I don't know, I couldn't hear. His accent was really thick and he had a big chaw of tobacco in his cheek.'
PA: 'I know. It was gross. He said something about not getting a script. He's in some sort of police officer's uniform that looks vaguely familiar.'
Cubby and Lewis look at each other, a sudden look of horror appearing on their faces as the realization hits them.
CB: 'GET HIM OUT OF HERE!'
LG: 'REMOVE HIM IMMEDIATELY!'
2002. The luxurious abode of Dame Maggie Smith, magically disguised by the “Hideyhousus!” spell as an old, yellow van.
Maggie: (Searching through her massive walk-in wardrobe.) Oh dear, now which dress was it I was going to wear to the BAFTA Awards, and which to the Golden Globes? The midnight blue one or the deep mauve one first? It would never do to be seen collecting two different awards in the same dress!
(The door opens and her son Toby Stephens come in.)
Toby: Hello, mother.
Maggie: Toby! How nice to see you! (Kiss, kiss.) How are you? What brings you here to visit your mother for the first time in (Checks diary.) three weeks?
Toby: Nothing has to bring me to see you, mother, can’t I just drop in for a visit?
Maggie: I suppose so. How are things with you? Do you have more work to tell me about?
Toby: Yes, as a matter of fact I do- I’ve got a part in the next James Bond film.
Maggie: That’s lovely, dear…. Wait a minute, did you say James Bond film?
Toby: Yes, that’s right. I’m playing the villain, Gustav-
Maggie: James Bond film??
Toby: (Mystified.) Yes, mother. What’s the problem?
Maggie: (Voice dropping in temperature with every syllable.) With Judi Dench???
Toby: (Light dawning.) I suppose so, mother, but-
Maggie: You are going to be in a film with... (Can hardly get the words out.) Judi Dench?
Toby: (Firmly.) Yes, mother, I am.
Maggie: She’ll steal every scene you’re in!
Toby: Mother, I’m the villain- I don’t have any scenes with her.
Maggie: That won’t stop her! Believe me, I’ve had 60 years of experience!
Toby: She can’t be that bad, mother, they’ve given her an Oscar.
Maggie: That’s right- she has an Oscar. Pass me one of mine, will you, son?
Toby: And she’s really good in Shakespeare plays.
Maggie: She ought to be- she was there when he wrote them.
Toby: Mother, what she’s doing in the James Bond films is no different from what you’re doing in the Harry Potter ones.
Maggie: No different? She just has to sit behind a desk and give orders, while I have to turn into cats and put up with smelly old Filch! As well as watching out for Alan Rickman stealing all my scenes while she only has to worry about Pierce Brosnan.
Toby: I’m sure it will all turn out just fine, mother.
Maggie: Well, I suppose I can’t stop you. (Sniffs.) And I had hopes that you might be James Bond yourself some day.
Toby: There’s still time, mother. Still time….
Barbel and CHD,these are inspired! 😂😂😂