Imaginary Conversations

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  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,257MI6 Agent
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  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,920MI6 Agent

    Classics of (fairly) modern litterature. Clearly snubbed by the Swedes in the Nobel comitee!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,257MI6 Agent
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  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,278Chief of Staff

    Love these book covers 👏🏻🤣

    YNWA 97
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,278Chief of Staff

    Least offensive - you are definitely warming to it, Barbel 👏🏻🤣

    YNWA 97
  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,257MI6 Agent
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  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,257MI6 Agent

    @Barbel sorry for going off topic on your thread with the book covers. When you posted those alternate covers/titles for the early Bond novels, it sent me down the rabbit hole.

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,301Chief of Staff

    No problems, Gymkata, it was a pleasant interlude which gave Charmed & Dangerous and I time to come up with another Imaginary Conversation-


     2002. Buckingham Palace.


    The Queen: Tell me, what is on the agenda for today?

    Equerry: A knighting ceremony, Your Majesty.

    The Duke: Only one? Well, thank heaven for small mercies!

    The Queen: Quiet, Philip. Only one, you say?

    Equerry: Yes, Your Majesty, a Mr Gustav Graves.

    The Queen: Oh, yes, one has heard of him.

    The Duke: Isn’t he building a rocket or something, on the south coast?

    The Queen: You’re thinking of that other fellow. The German one. Hugo…

    The Duke: Boss?

    The Queen: Philip, you don’t have to call me that in public, you know.

    Equerry: He should be arriving anytime, ma’am.

    The Queen: One gathers he’s just been to Iceland.

    The Duke: Ghastly – should’ve gone to Fortnum’s y’know. (He pauses.) Listen… isn’t that “London Calling’”? By those fellers who did… what’s the song…?

    Prince Andrew: (Lurking at the back of the room) “Should I stay or should I go?”

    The Duke: Think we all know the answer to that, my boy! (He looks out the window.) Hmm. I don’t see any cars.

    Equerry: No, sir, look higher.

    (They all look up to see a Union Jack parachute descending towards them.)

    The Duke: Oh God, that’s pretty tasteless.

    Equerry: He wanted to show how proud he was of his adopted country, Your Highness.

    The Queen: As long as no-one expects me to be doing the same!

    The Duke: Awful!  

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,257MI6 Agent

    Some Hardy Boys:


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  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 3,947MI6 Agent

    Great covers, Gymkata, but as a seller of thousands of pulp paperbacks none of these ring a bell in my memory, I have the feeling that most of these are mock-ups but would love to be proven wrong.

    Perhaps someone could move these to a new thread championing pulp covers, I would love to add some (genuine) ones but would like the imaginary conversations thread to remain solely for that purpose.

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • HigginsHiggins GermanyPosts: 16,399MI6 Agent

    Love those book covers!

    Please keep them coming - maybe in a seperate thread so that others can find them too instead of searching for them as they are buried into Barbel‘s weird phantasies 🤔

    President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

    Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,920MI6 Agent

    Good idea! This thread should be split into the Barbel's Weird Fantasies Thread and Gymkata's Sick Pulp Book Covers Thread. I will of course visit both religiously.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 2,350MI6 Agent

    CoolHandBond said:

    Great covers, Gymkata, but as a seller of thousands of pulp paperbacks none of these ring a bell in my memory, I have the feeling that most of these are mock-ups but would love to be proven wrong.

    The three Hardy Boys covers are definitely real, I remember them from when I was a wee lad. Different titles though, somebody's photoshopped the text. Looks like The Secret of Wildcat Swamp, The Viking Symbol Mystery, and The Shore Road Mystery. This page has all of them.

    As for the 50s style pocketbook covers, maybe there were just so many of them there may be thousands too obscure to be remembered? in bookshops I know that set aside special shelves for such vintage items, there's usually nineteen titles by authors I've never heard of for every Chandler or Hammett. The appeal is the artwork rather than the content. But the basic artwork on Gymkata's covers must come from somewhere, its very of its time.

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 2,350MI6 Agent

    doing a Google image Search I found the original of Smell My Finger:

    Kiss My Fist, by James Hadley Chase, 1952

    the others I tried just resulted in yet more "Fake Book Covers"... Gymkata you gotta post I Wrecked Your Toilet!

    (and yes separate thread for the fake covers. Barbel's imaginary conversations are all original!)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,301Chief of Staff

    Yes, I support a separate thread for the pulp covers.

    Higgins, you can't talk about my weird fantasies after the one you told me you keep having about you, Timothy Dalton and the milking apparatus.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,920MI6 Agent

    Timothy Dalton and the milking apparaturs??

    Please post! I think I'll enjoy that nearly as much as Higgins will 😁

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,301Chief of Staff

    My lips are sealed (unlike Higgins' in that fantasy).

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,257MI6 Agent

    I'll work on opening a new thread. Glad you guys are laughing at these...some of them make me laugh so hard that my wife comes up to check on me to ensure that I'm ok.

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  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,301Chief of Staff

     1963. Eon HQ, in a temple somewhere in the Brazilian jungle.


    Harry: Another cigar, Cubby?

    Cubby: Don’t mind if I do.

    (Harry hands Cubby a large cigar, then sets a $10 bill alight and uses it to light the cigar.)

    Cubby: I wish you wouldn’t do that, Harry.

    Harry: We can afford it! Dr No has made us millionaires several times over!

    Cubby: Which is no doubt why United Artists are wanting to talk to us this morning.

    Harry: Oh, for sure.

    (The intercom buzzes.)

    Secretary: (On intercom.) A gentleman from United Artists to see you, Mr Broccoli and Mr Saltzman.

    Harry: Send him in, send him in.

    (The door opens and a well-dressed man enters.)

    Cubby: Take a seat, please. You’re from UA, then?

    UA Exec: That’s right. We’ve been extremely pleased with the box office returns from our film, Dr No.

    Harry: Yes, we thought you would be.

    Exec: In fact, we estimate we might end up with a total somewhere between 50 and 60 million dollars.

    Cubby: 50 or 60 million, eh?

    Exec: Yes, our accountant Herr Grunerschuh seems to think that will be the final total.

    Cubby: From a budget of… how much was it again, Harry?

    Harry: (Resists putting pinky in mouth.) One million dollars.

    Cubby: Yes, that’s right.

    Exec: Ah yes, but-

    Harry: And we had to do some creative accounting to keep it within that figure.

    Exec: You see-

    Cubby: Anyway, it’s all worked out okay for all of us.

    Exec: And that’s what I would like to talk to you about. We at United Artists would like to discuss the possibility of you making another one.

    Harry: (Innocent as a new-born babe.) Another one?

    Cubby: (Butter not melting within his oral cavity.) Why, whatever do you mean?

    Exec: We’d like you to make a sequel.

    Harry: What, a sequel? That’s a good idea- what do you think, Cubby?

    Cubby: Well, it never even occurred to us. A sequel! Next thing you know we’ll be doing a series. A long, long series...

    Exec: Yes, and we’re prepared to come up with the same budget.

    Harry: Oh, I’m not so sure about that.

    Cubby: (Shaking head.) Same budget! We struggled to make the last one on that budget. I really don’t think-

    Exec: All right, all right. You’ve made your point. We’ll increase the budget by, let’s say, 10%.

    Harry: You know, Jacqueline was just saying she fancied a holiday.

    Cubby: That’s right, I remember you saying so. And I think Dana would like us to go away for a few weeks, as well.

    Exec: We’ll add 25%- not a penny more.

    Harry: 25%… You know, it would take a long time to develop a sequel.

    Cubby: That’s right, we wouldn’t want to do the same thing all over again.

    Harry: And that would cost money. A lot of money.

    Exec: (Sighs.) Very well- you can have the same budget plus 50%.

    Cubby: We’d have a lot of behind the scenes decision making to do.

    Harry: Yeah, like do we want the same crew or a different one? Writing the script is gonna be difficult as well.

    Exec: Fine. You can have twice the budget of Dr No for the sequel.

    Cubby: It’ll be called From Russia With Love.

    Harry: (Taking the Executive’s right arm.) We’re shooting in Istanbul and on the Orient Express.

    Cubby: (Taking the Executive’s left arm.) Terence Young will direct again, Sean Connery will be Bond again.

    Harry: (Marching to the door.) And we start shooting on Monday.

    Cubby: (As the door closes on the Executive.) Goodbye!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,257MI6 Agent

    That's probably not too far off from the actual conversation.

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  • HigginsHiggins GermanyPosts: 16,399MI6 Agent

    What TF?


    I have no idea, if that is also part of your imagination or if I really did.

    If I did, it certainly was not as „friendly“ as you imply So, if I did, put it out, please!

    President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

    Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,301Chief of Staff

    I'm pulling your leg, Higgins. Obviously!

  • HigginsHiggins GermanyPosts: 16,399MI6 Agent

    I‘ll not have so many beers with you when we meet again.

    For a second, I wondered, what I may have said 😁😁

    President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

    Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,161MI6 Agent

    Now that's an imaginary (or not-so-imaginary) conversation I think we need to hear! 😳😂😂

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,301Chief of Staff

     Recently I had to go to London, to return some milking apparatus for a joke that had gone wrong. It turned out the shop had previously been a book store, and there were still some boxes of books in the back that the owner had left behind before retiring to the Philippines. I had some time before my flying saucer landed in Trafalgar Square, so I took hold of one of the boxes and began looking through it…


    The George Lazenby Book Of Missed Opportunities” Foreword by Patrick McGoohan

    All About Nuclear Fiziz…Fiz... Phizziks” by Dr Christmas Jones

    I Say Never Again” by Sean Connery (1st Edition: 1967)

    I Say Never Again” by Sean Connery (Updated Edition: 1971)

    Things Your Momma Told Me” by Jinx Johnson

    The Big Bumper Book Of Bouncing Balls” by Le Chiffre

    My Dentist And Me” by Jaws. Foreword by Dolly (Certain Older Editions Only)

    Releasing Your Films More Frequently” by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli

    Releasing Your Films On Time” by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli

    Releasing Your Films At All” by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 3,947MI6 Agent

    Great stuff, Barbel, and wow, I’m part of one of your legendary conversations, that’s like a celebrity being asked onto the Morecambe and Wise Show! 😂

    I remember another one you may have missed:

    The Man Of A Thousand Faces by Felix Leiter

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,301Chief of Staff

    Glad you liked it, CHB!

    C&D and I are working on more, that'll be posted later- and of course will include your title!

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,257MI6 Agent

    'Effective Product Placement: Too Much is Never Enough' by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli

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  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,278Chief of Staff

    All great titles 👏🏻🤣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,301Chief of Staff

    Realising that lifting these heavy boxes of books was too much for my aged arms, I called on Charmed & Dangerous for some assistance. He arrived soon afterwards.

    C&D: Hey look, Barbel, the previous owner has left a book out for us.

    Barbel: Which one is it?

    C&D: It’s “The Man Of A Thousand Faces”, by Felix Leiter.

    Barbel: That’s good! I wonder if they have his sequel, “I’ve Got Nothing Against My Right Leg”?

    C&D: Well, let’s open this box and see what we can find.


    Unforgettable” by Bill Tanner

    The Teenager’s Guide to Freeze-Framing” by Chew Mee. Foreword by Tatiana Romanova

    Cunning Stunt Doubles” by Sir Roger Moore

    No Time To Direct” by Danny Boyle

    Here We Go Again” by Thomas Newman

    Squeeze Me, Please Me” by Xenia Onatopp

    Monkey On My Shoulder” by Wolf Mankowitz

    Everything I Know About Music” by Harry Saltzman. Foreword by Eric Serra (Expanded Edition, now 2 pages inc Foreword)

    Brake? What Brake?” by Emilio Largo

    Effective Product Placement: Too Much is Never Enough” by Michael G. Wilson & Barbara Broccoli


    Barbel: Hey look, C&D, that last one was sent in all the way from Minnesota!

    C&D: That’s interesting- which town?

    Barbel: Says here...”Gymkata”.

    C&D: Hmm, strange name for a town.

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