Imaginary Conversations

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  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,201Chief of Staff

    Wonderful ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

    YNWA 96
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,111MI6 Agent

    These are superb, Barbel! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿธ

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

    Much appreciated, guys.


     1997


    HAMBURGER UHRENLIEBHABER


    Car delivered to Avis in unconventional manner

     Staff at the Hamburg branch of Avis were stunned when a BMW 750 entered their offices at great speed yesterday. “We were astonished”, said an Avis representative, “particularly since we do not have an office in that street.”

    Police have confirmed that the car emerged from the top of a car park and flew across the street. Remarkably no-one appears to have been killed or injured, although there were many signs of damage inside the car park.

    A trace has been run on the vehicle’s number plate, but this led only to the Corgi toy manufacturer. Their spokesperson said “We are getting well and truly fed-up with this. Every couple of years some sort of car-related incident happens- an Aston Martin with an ejector seat, a Lotus that turns into a submarine- and the car registration numbers always seem to lead to us. We’re beginning to think that someone somewhere has a....

    (Continued on Page 6)

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    In other news

    Tycoon’s wife and professor of forensic medicine discovered dead in hotel room- Page 3

    Man with terrible taste in footwear spotted in rear seat of Mercedes Benz- Page 4

    Real jaguar found in airport car rental area- Page 5

  • HigginsHiggins GermanyPosts: 16,370MI6 Agent

    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

    Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

     1974


    BANGKOK LADYMAIL


    River boat chase through canals

     Reports have been coming in about a wild river boat chase through the canals of Bangkok, during which one of the boats was apparently split in two by the other. A young boy has claimed to have seen the whole event, but demanded 20,000 bahts for information claiming this sum was owed to him for technical information provided during the chase.

    Police say they have no leads at this point.

    Witness to the incident was a rather wet American tourist, Mr J.W. Pepper, who said “That’s SHERIFF J.W. Pepper to you, boy! If you was in my bayou….

    (Continued on Page 6)

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    In other news

    Entire kung fu school have their asses handed to them by two young girls- Page 3

    Shares in PhuYuck wine collapse after derogatory comment in Western movie- Page 4

    Disappearance of tycoon Hai Fat- Page 5

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,201Chief of Staff

    Bravo ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿคฃ

    YNWA 96
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,111MI6 Agent

    Genius! I could read these all day long! ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

     1983


    DELHI DAILY


    Disturbance in city centre

     Reports have been received about a disturbance in the city centre yesterday. Two tik-toks were involved in a chase and a large amount of money was thrown into the air leading to major crowd agitation.

    Unconfirmed reports have also suggested that a sword fight took place as well as an incident involving a bed of nails.

    Witnesses have reported that one of the tik-toks was seen flying through the air before disappearing into a large snake.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In other news:

    Two Intelligence officers kept in curry for a few weeks- Page 3

    English major gives up backgammon- Page 4

    Cobra and basket found at pier- Page 5

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

     1995


    PRAVDA (ST PETERSBURG EDITION)


    Quiet day in St Petersburg


    Comrades:

    Yesterday nothing of any note happened in our glorious city of St Petersburg. Traffic flowed normally and was not disturbed by any interference at all.

    Our unmatched comrades in the police force had no difficulties in carrying out their standard duties in their undamaged vehicles. Our historic buildings and sculptures retain their architectural splendour.

    Defence Minister Dmitri Mishkin, totally healthy on a perfectly routine visit to the city, said:

    (Continued Page 6)

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In other news:

    Train line running as normal, nothing to report- Page 3

    Regular count of tanks shows no anomalies whatsoever- Page 4

    No incidents at army HQ- Page 5

  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 3,903MI6 Agent

    Pravda. Very clever, and very funny, Barbel ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿธ

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

    Cheers, CHB!

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,111MI6 Agent

    That's the best one yet! Hilarious! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff
    edited April 19

    ๐Ÿ˜Š


     1962


    DAILY GLEANER


    Incident at hotel


    Staff at Morgan’s harbour hotel came running when a scream was heard from Mrs Violet Carver, a maid at the well-known establishment in Kingston.

    “It was horrible”, she said, “I found a disgusting mess with hairy legs and everything beside one of the beds when I was cleaning up. I’m only working here to support my daughter Rosie since that no-good Elliott left me. None of my sisters Tiffy, Rose, Cherry, Pansy, and Lily have ever heard of anything like this.”

    Police at first thought it to be the remains of a centipede but it was later confirmed to be, in fact, the remains of a tarantula. No-one can explain the presence of a sheet of glass on the bed.

    On being asked to confirm rumours that she had once had an affair with well-known author Ian Fleming, Mrs Carver said indignantly, “You trying to say I’m ugly? Listen, I’m a woman, I’m in Jamaica, and I’m under 75 years old. Of course I’ve…

    (Continued Page 6)

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    In other news:

    Jamaica wins “Least Like San Monique” contest yet again- Page 3

    Miss Marple picks St. Honore for Caribbean holiday destination. Other islands breathe sigh of relief- Page 4

    Freelance photographer seeks employment. Has own flashbulbs- Page 5

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,751MI6 Agent

    Pravda's coverage of what didn't happen in St Petersburg is very responsible and a shining example for communist newspapers all over the world ๐Ÿ—ž๏ธ

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,201Chief of Staff

    More inspired paper nonesense ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป

    YNWA 96
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

    It fills the time while waiting for NTTD, Sir M. More to follow.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff
    edited April 21

     1965


    NORTHERN FRANCE NEWS


    “Airborne alien” at Château d’Anet


    Police yesterday attended the magnificent Chateau d’Anet, near Dreux, after reports of gunfire. On arrival there were no suspects to be found, only a large patch of very wet ground on the adjoining road.

    “Inside the château we found a dead man dressed in woman’s clothing with flowers over his face”, said a police spokesperson. “We believe he may have been on his way to a funeral”.

    Connected with this incident are accounts of an alien seen flying through the air in the general area. When asked for a description, witnesses said “He had a big round head and flames shooting out of his back”. The only further details were that he was very well-dressed and…

    (Continued on Page 6)


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In other news

    Parking dispute in Paris- Page 3

    Electrified body fished out of Seine- Page 4

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,111MI6 Agent

    ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ brilliant as always!

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,201Chief of Staff

    These are a cracking feature ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿป๐Ÿคฃ

    YNWA 96
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff
    edited April 22

    Thank you, guys


     1967


    LONDON HERALD


    Flying saucer lands in Trafalgar Square

    In staggering reports of what may finally be proof of life on other planets, a flying saucer yesterday briefly landed in Trafalgar Square in front of hundreds of witnesses. There was a bizarre turn of events when a mounted guardsman entered the saucer, clutching a scantily dressed young lady. Regrettably we have no photographs of the young lady in question.

    The saucer immediately took off, with conflicting reports suggesting that it was heading either for northern France or Montenegro.

    A senior government official said “W-we do n-not have any c-comment to make at this….

    (Continued on Page 6)

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    In other news:


    Nelson’s Column sold- Page 3

    Milk float explodes near Scottish border- Page 4

    Laboratory discovered below Harrods- Page 5

  • caractacus pottscaractacus potts Orbital communicator, level 10Posts: 2,285MI6 Agent

    this reminds me the "funny" version is due for a rewatch at Cinema Potts

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

    Glad to be of service, might do the same myself.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

     1963


    VENICE DAILY


    Deliberate Killings On A Well-Known Train

    Three bodies were found aboard the Orient Express when it arrived at Venice yesterday. Officials are investigating under the assumption these were deliberate killings.

    “We have found the bodies of a carpet salesman and a Russian Consulate official, both from Istanbul”, said a spokesperson. “In addition there was a third body, a blond man somehow strangled by his own wristwatch”.

    “We are also seeking a couple called Mr and Mrs Somerset who have disappeared from the train during its journey to help us with our enquiries”, said the spokesperson. “They claimed to be English, but the man spoke with a Scottish accent and no-one heard the woman speak at all. ”

    “We are treating this as, er, murder on the Orient Express and considering calling in the services of a Belgian detective who has had previous experience with….

    (Continued on Page 6)

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In other news:

    Well-known author possibly spotted near train; opinions vary- Page 3

    Strange shoe found in hotel room- Page 4

    Roll of film found in canal. Police watch it repeatedly- Page 5

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

     2015. CTS Recording Studios. Thomas Newman is playing back the last “Spectre” cue to BB and MGW. As the last note fades….

    Newman: So, there it is! That’s the whole thing, I hope you like it.

    (There is a moment’s silence.)

    BB: Well….

    MGW: Sounds very much like “Skyfall”, I thought.

    Newman: Of course it does- it’s continuing the same story, you said we have to have some thematic connection.

    BB: Yes, but we didn’t mean using the same themes note for note!

    MGW: Speaking of themes, you don’t think you could have used just a little more of the “James Bond Theme”?

    Newman: You want me to do it all again?

    (BB and MGW quickly confer.)

    BB: No, we open in two days- it’s just fine, Thomas.

    Newman: Thank you.


    (That night, Barbara lies fast asleep in the Broccoli mansion as a ghost appears.)

    Ghost: Barbara….

    (She sleeps on.)

    Ghost: (Louder.) Barbara Broccoli…

    BB: (Still sleeping.) ...oh Daniel…. I never dreamed….

    Ghost: (More firmly.) Barbara!

    (She wakes up.)

    BB: Oh! What! (Sees ghost.) Who are you? You're not my dad again, are you?

    Ghost: I am the ghost of John Barry, come to curse you for what you have done to James Bond music.

    BB: But “Another Way To Die” was seven years ago now.

    Ghost: No, not that- well, not this time, anyway. I come because of the way you have allowed Thomas Newman to repeat his undistinguishable music in two films now.

    BB: But-

    Ghost: No “buts”, Barbara! Get on the phone to David Arnold and make sure to hire him immediately!

    BB: David Arnold? Of course!

    Ghost: Good….

    (The ghost starts to leave the room only to trip over his white sheet, revealing a dark-haired man with a beard.)

    BB: David!

    David: Oh blast- you know my name!

    (Runs.)

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

     1997. Set of “Tomorrow Never Dies”.


    Pierce: So, what scene are we doing today, Roger?

    Roger Spottiswoode: We’re still at Carver’s party- this is the part where Teri slaps you.

    Pierce: Oh God, being slapped by the evil queen of-

    (Teri Hatcher has walked up behind Pierce.)

    Teri: You were saying?

    Pierce: No, no, I was just….

    Teri: Good- because if I want sarcasm I’ll speak to Superman, thank you very much.

    Roger: (Hurriedly.) Now, folks, this is the scene where you meet for the first time in the movie. You knew each other in the past.

    Pierce: Let’s get on with it, shall we?

    Roger: Right, positions everyone, and…. action!

    (Pierce walks up behind Teri.)

    Pierce: I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever saw you again.

    (Teri turns, slipping a roll of coins into her fist, and hits Pierce across the cheek.)

    Pierce: (Dazedly.) Now I know. Was it something I said?

    Roger: Cut! A bit more direct, Pierce…. and action!

    Pierce: (Warily.) I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever saw you again.

    (Teri turns, wearing a knuckleduster, and thumps Pierce across the cheek.)

    Pierce: (Staggering.) Now… now I … know.

    Roger: Cut! More smoothly Pierce, you are James Bond you know. Action.

    Pierce: (Downright terrified.) I always wondered how I’d feel if I ever saw you again.

    (Teri gives him a punch to the solar plexus before an uppercut to the jaw. Pierce collapses to the floor.)

    Roger: Cut! Can you hold back a bit please, Teri?

    Teri: But of course.

    Roger: Right then… actio-

    Pierce: The hell with this, where’s the stuntman? I’m off!

    (He marches, rather unsteadily, back to his dressing room.)

    Teri: What was it, James? Did I get too close? Too close for comfort?

  • GymkataGymkata Minnesota, USAPosts: 3,082MI6 Agent

    It's the 'continued on page 6' that cracks me up the hardest every time.

    Current rankings:
    OHMSS>FRWL>CR>TSWLM>YOLT>MR>SF>FYEO>GE>OP>DN>
    TWINE>TND>QOS>TB>TMWTGG>GF>LALD>TLD>AVTAK>SP>DAF>LTK>DAD
    Bond rankings: Lazenby>Moore>Connery>Craig>Brosnan>Dalton
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

    Then just for you, Gymkata-


     1999.


    BAKU BUGLE


    Caviar factory destroyed

    Police were summoned to a well-known caviar factory last night after numerous explosions were heard. Avoiding buzz-saws carried below helicopters, on arrival it was discovered that the factory had been totally destroyed.

    The remains of a BMW Z8 were found among the ruins by insurance investigators, who were shaking their heads in disbelief.

    The factory owner, Mr Valentin Zukovksy, was interviewed while still dripping with caviar and said….

    (Continued on Page 6)

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In other news

    Remains of Parahawks found in mountains- Page 3

    Oil pipeline re-routed to avoid shrine- Page 4

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 31,041Chief of Staff

     May 1956. Ian Fleming meets Geoffrey Boothroyd.


    Ian Fleming: Well, of course, I’d be grateful for any advice you can give me.

    Geoffrey Boothroyd: In that case, what gun are you planning on Bond using in your next story?

    Fleming: The Beretta, of course.

    Boothroyd: Yes, I thought so. This damn Beretta again.

    Fleming: You tell me.

    Boothroyd: For the last time. It’s nice and light- in a lady’s handbag. No stopping power. Any comments, Mr Fleming?

    Fleming: I disagree. Bond’s used a Beretta for ten years. He’s never missed with it yet.

    Boothroyd: Maybe not, but it jammed on his last job and he spent six months in the hospital. A double-0 number means he’s licenced to kill, not get killed. Unless you’d prefer for him to go back to standard intelligence duties?

    Fleming: No, I would not.

    Boothroyd: Then from now on he carries a different gun. Walther PPK. 7.65mm with a delivery like a brick through a plate-glass window. Takes a Brausch silencer, with little reduction in muzzle velocity. The American CIA swear by them.

    Fleming: Will Bond need any other protection?

    Boothroyd: Only from me, Mr Fleming, if you don’t return this gun I’ve lent you for the cover of “From Russia With Love” in pristine condition.

    Fleming: And what’s this here?

    Boothroyd: Don’t touch that! (All together now!) That’s my lunch.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 17,751MI6 Agent

    This is much better than TV ๐Ÿ˜‚

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