😂😂😂😂 another brilliant royal premiere! Loved the Black Adder gags, not to mention Michel Legrand!
I'm looking forward to the Timothy Dalton/Bob Simmons imaginary conversation (grinning emoji)
1987. (Shooting of “The Living Daylights”.)
John Glen: ...then we have to film the fight between Bond and Necros, as they hang onto netting at the back of a plane thousands of feet in the air.
Timothy: That’s good, I’ve been looking forward to that since I read the script. Read it ten times, to be exact, memorising not only my lines but everyone else’s.
John: Yes, Tim, I’ve come to expect no less.
Timothy; When do we take off?
John: Tim, I’ve told you before- you’re not doing the real high stuff. We’re going to shoot your close-ups in the studio and cut everything together.
Timothy: But John, I feel it’s essential for my interpretation of the character that I be seen to-
John: There is NO WAY I am going to film you hanging outside a plane in mid-air, thousands of feet up. (Turns to the crew.) Get Bob Simmons!
1st Assistant: Er, John, Bob’s retired now. About 24 months ago.
John: Oh yes, that’s right. Get Paul Weston!
Glad you liked it!
There are, by my reckoning, only four more premieres to go- LALD, OP, LTK and QOS. I'd be grateful for help to do these last four but as you all know the PM system is not yet up and running so we'll have to communicate by email.
If you guys are willing, let's go get 'em!
Barbel: On the new look AJB forum you can expect all sorts of sex and debauchery, especially on to the Imaginary Conversations thread!
AJB member: Really?! Who's going to be participating?
Barbel: Oh, but it will be just the two of us!
There are, by my reckoning, only four more premieres to go- LALD, OP, LTK and QOS.
I didn't realise there were any left to do. They should all be compiled by chronological order once complete, maybe a special post with hyperlinks to all 24 (26?) Royal Premiere posts. I can maybe help with that when we get to that time.
I'm especially surprised you haven't done Live and Let Die yet! we already know the Queen fancies Roger, and McCartney and Martin would have to be there!
but... what would Phillip say about the villains and their voodoo? that is going to be tricky to write now that I think of it. Gonna need a "these characters are fictitious and do not represent the views of the authors" type preamble for Phillip's dialog in that one!
Seems like the PM system is back up and running... you have a new message 😎
Thanks, C&D, I'm on it. Nice that the PM system works again!
Caractacus, thanks for the offer and I will probably take you up on that. I'm glad to see that your arithmetic is better than Napoleon's, too.
You're quite right as to why LALD hasn't been tackled as yet. All advice welcomed!
Pick a year. (Eon HQ, in a chalet somewhere in Austria.)
Cubby: (Presses intercom.) Send the first candidate in, please.
Secretary: (On intercom.) Certainly, sir.
(The door opens and a man enters.)
Cubby: Now, sit down, please. Tell me, if you are successful in this interview, how do you see your role?
1st Director: Well, as director I see me making an original artistic statement, to which end I plan on using gold filters for scenes in which Bond is winning, silver filters for scenes in which the villains are winning, and bronze filters for the rest. I also plan on highlighting the selective use of slow motion for certain scenes, in order to symbolise how modern life can subjectively sometimes seem very slow and fast motion for others because modern life can in contrast sometimes seem very quick as well.
Cubby: I see. Thank you very much, we might be calling you.
(The prospective director exits and a second comes in.)
2nd Director: I'd like to take major steps to differentiate my movie from the previous Bond films. Where they go left, I'd like to go right. Characters you think you can trust are the traitors; the villains turn out to be the good guys at the end. None of Bond's gadgets work, he gets beaten in the fights, and he doesn't get any of the girls.
(The second prospective director leaves, and a third enters.)
3rd Director: To do whatever you tell me to do, Mr Broccoli.
Cubby: You're hired. See you at Pinewood on Monday at 9am.
With thanks, as always, to Barbel.
2008. The Royal Premiere of “Quantum of Solace”.
(The Royal limousine.)
The Duke: Not another one of these ghastly things Liz.
The Queen: Philip, they’re once every two years!
The Duke: Well maybe we can persuade William and Kate to get married quickly so they can go to the next one.
The Queen: I rather think that Charles would like to attend the next one with Camilla. Now that would make a good name for a Bond girl, Philip – I even suggested it to Miss Broccoli and Mr Wilson after the last premiere.
The Duke: What a ridiculous suggestion, Liz. Who’d want to call a Bond girl ‘Charlie’?
(At the theatre.)
Barbara: May I introduce our James Bond?
The Duke: Ah, Bronson, dyed the hair did we?
MGW: Your Highness, this is our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig.
Daniel: A pleasure Ma’am.
The Duke: Did I miss the last one? What was it called?
Barbara: Casino Royale, your Highness.
The Duke: Oh splendid idea, we’ve been thinking of redecorating the west wing of the palace.
The Queen: Mr Craig, will you be, ah.. (she blushes) … wearing the swimming trunks again in this one?
Daniel: Not in this one ma’am.
The Duke (whispers to The Queen): Tough-looking customer, eh? Not sure what you see in him. Looks like the kind who’d push you out of a helicopter at 10,000 feet, Liz…
MGW: Your Highness, may I introduce you to our leading lady, Miss Olga Kurylenko?
The Duke: Vulgar… what? That’s quite a tongue twister, young lady, imagine trying to twist your tongue…
The Queen: Philip!
The Duke: Ahem! I’m sure I’ve see you before, Ms Curry… Curvy… um, what have you been in?
Olga: Well, your Highness, I’ve only been in a couple of films: “À l'est de moi” and “Paris, je t’aime”.
The Duke: Yes I’m sure of it! What did you play?
Olga: I was a vampire in one and a Russian prostitute in the other…
(The Queen casts a steely eye on the Duke.)
The Duke: Oh, do you get much sleep in the daytime? As a, ahh, vampire, I meant…
Barbara: And here is our villain of the piece, M. Mathieu Amalric.
Mathieu: Enchante, your Majesty.
The Queen: M. Amalric, it is a pleasure. I understand that you have worked with Mr Craig before?
Mathieu: Yes ma’am, in ‘Munich’.
The Duke: Eunuch, eh, Arithmetic? Sorry to hear that.
Mathieu: No your Highness, the film ‘Munich’, about the Olympics.
The Queen: Oh yes, I recall. One is looking forward to dropping in to host the Olympics in London in 2012.
The Duke: Will I recognise you in the film, Arrhythmic? Your chaps usually sport steel hands, or an eye scar or something.
The Mathieu: My character is not like that, your Highness. He has no facial anomalies. I modelled him on our M. Sarkozy - and your Mr. Blair.
The Queen: Well then, we won’t have any trouble recognising him, will we, Philip?
The Duke: Good, work, Agincourt. I’ll be keeping one eye open then for a weaselly little bast…
MGW: May I present our director, Mr Marc Fors….
The Queen: How odd – could have sworn I saw him here a second ago.
Barbara: Oh. Moving swiftly on then, your Majesty…
MGW (to Barbara): Funny you should say that.
MGW: May I present Mr Rory Kinnear, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Good evening, Mr Kinnear.
Rory: Good evening, ma’am.
The Queen: And which part do you play?
Rory: Bill Tanner, Your Majesty.
The Queen: Bill Tanner?
The Duke: Rory Kinnear?
(The Queen and the Duke look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and walk on. Rory sighs.)
BB: Our composer, Mr David Arnold.
The Queen: Ah yes, one very much enjoyed the song from the last film, “One Knows One’s Name”.
David: Thank you, ma’am.
The Queen: I trust this song will be just as good?
David: Alas, your trust is misplaced, Your Majesty. They wouldn’t let me write it, and it sounds like two strangled warthogs farting in a barrel while being-
David: Er, I hope you enjoy it, ma’am.
MGW: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty?
The Queen: Yes, that might be best.
(They walk past a long row of men in dinner jackets.)
The Queen: Ms Broccoli, are these the stuntmen?
Barbara: No, your Majesty.
The Queen: Oh, are they future try-outs for Bond, the villains, henchmen, all the male roles, perhaps?
MGW: No, your Majesty.
The Queen: Who are they then, if I might ask?
Barbara: They’re the writers, ma’am…
Nicely done, Strangways, I have to hand it to you. Particularly enjoyed your Marc Forster joke (Higgins, you'll enjoy that one, too, I trust).
1971 (CTS Recording Studios, London.)
John Barry: ...no, something's not quite right there, Shirley.
Shirley Bassey: What do you mean, John?
John: It's in the interpretation- can you make it sexier?
Shirley: What do you mean, sexier?
John: Well, er...
Shirley: I'm singing about a diamond, John, how do you expect me to make it sexy?
John: Don't sing as if it's a diamond, Shirley, sing like it's... er...
Shirley: Yes? Sing like it's what?
John: Well, er... Bit of help here, Don!
Don Black: It's all there in the lyrics, Shirley.
Shirley: I just can't get a handle on it.
Don: Oh, "handle" - that's good!
Don: Look, it's like when you're with a man: "Touch it, stroke it".
Shirley: Oh! You mean I'm singing about his penis!
Don: That's it! "Please me, stimulate and tease me".
Shirley: Ok, I get it now! John, let's go for another take!
You dirty, dirty man! 😆
... unless this story happened to be true, N24. Which it is!
One doesn't exclude the other, Barbel 😜
Damn, I thought Thunderpussy would keep quiet about that. You've been listening to him again, haven't you?
No, but AJB has made me wise to the ways of the world. Especially the Moderators
Us? We're bookish types, quiet and studious. Don't know what you're talking about.
We‘re not supposed to mock around and make fun of Sir Miles at this place, Barbel 😁
Are we doing "Another way to die" next, then? 😳
Nice work as always, Barbel! 😂😂😂
Guilty as charged, Your Honour, and I ask for some 30,000 previous offences to be taken into consideration.
Re AWTD- the time for that is approaching.....🙉
1979 (Outside a large and very impressive French château, in California, two men in workers overalls are standing.)
Timmy: (Examining blueprints.) I can't understand it, I just can't understand it.
Charlie: Can't understand what?
Timmy: No matter which way we assemble this, there's always a pile of bricks left over.
(He gestures towards a large pile of bricks.)
Charlie: Well, as long as he doesn't notice I say we just keep very quiet about it.
Timmy: He might just notice that the driveway doesn't lead to the garage but up to the trees, don't you think?
Charlie: Hmm, maybe.
Timmy: And another thing- I don't remember seeing that guy from Hamburg we took on for a while to help us.
Charlie: Me too. By the way, there's a pair of green trainers sticking out from the library wall.
Timmy: Can't explain that. And another thing- the secret passageways.
Charlie: What about the secret passageways?
Timmy: Well, obviously a building as large and old as this has secret passageways. I'm just not convinced that one of them has to exit behind the bathroom sink.
Charlie: I don't suppose he'll be using them very often, though.
Timmy: You never know. And the entrance is behind the main cooker in the kitchen, that can't be right!
Charlie: Oh, he won't notice that.
Timmy: Come on, let's hide these extra bricks. Tell you one thing, though.
Charlie: What's that?
Timmy: He better not be asking me to walk his dogs!
(As they begin to pick up the excess bricks, the château slowly starts to crumble behind them.)
Now I’m tempted to ask “where do you usually go?” 😏 🤣
Well, this is Imaginary, Sir Miles.
11th March, 2021. (House Of Barbel. He sleeps fitfully.)
Barbel: (Still asleep.) ....Shaken not stirred... Philip!... I've been expecting you.... But of course! ...Green trainers...
Bride Of Barbel: Barbel! Barbel! Wake up!
Barbel: (Waking up.) Huh? What?
Bride: You've been dreaming about AJB again.
Barbel: What, again? I can't help it, my love, it's Thursday 11th March 2021 and I don't have an Imaginary Conversation ready for today.
Bride: Can't you ask Higgins to do one?
Barbel: Higgins? He only has eyes for his watch collection and Mrs Higgins.
Bride: In that order?
Bärbel: You know, I'm not sure...
Bride: Well, can't Charmed & Dangerous or CoolHandBond come up with something?
Barbel: They'll come up with something when they're ready.
Bride: What about that Napoleon chap?
Barbel: If I want sarcasm I'll talk to my children, thank you very much.
Bride: Grandchildren, you mean.
Bärbel: Ssh, it's a quote.
Bride: How about you write one of those Royal Premieres?
Barbel: We just did two of them recently, and there are only four left to do- have to space them out, I think.
Bride: What about a meeting? You like those.
Barbel: Yes! I can see it now...
(Wavy dissolve, like old movies do...)
Goldfinger: Only one more thing for us to do- we have to think of some sort of cover name for this great endeavour of ours.
Pussy Galore: How about "Operation Town Sleep"?
Goldfinger: No, a bit too close to the bone that one.
Mr Ling: Perhaps "Operation Gold Steal"?
Goldfinger: Again, too obvious.
Mr Ling: Oh well, it was only a shot in the dark.
Kisch: "Operation Grand Coup"?
Goldfinger: Yes, I think you've got something there- what do you think, Oddjob?
Goldfinger: Yes, you're right, Oddjob- "Operation Grand Slam" it is.
(Wavy dissolve, back to the present.)
Bride: No, I mean one of your production meetings- with Cubby asking the team for ideas, perhaps.
Barbel: Yes, I haven't done one of those for a while. Ok, let me think about it....
I think if you get rid of the second comma then Higgins will be very happy 🤣
I plan to take a break from the Imaginary Conversations as my attention is now focussed on re-launching the AJB Interviews feature. How long this continues depends very much on how much support it gets from you, the members.
Here's the first one- AJB Interviews Warren Ringham (Q The Music) — ajb007
so these interviews will be non-Imaginary Conversations you're having with real human beings that actually exist?
won't the voices in your head get jealous?
Oh, they'll just have to take turns.