Ah, you won't read a word here from me about the casting department since Debbie McWilliams was kind enough to be interviewed by us about 18 months ago. She was very helpful and I thank her again (not that she'll ever read this, but I do mean it).
A year in this century. (Bond’s phone rings.)
Recorded Voice: Hello.
Bond: Who is this?
Voice: I’d like to talk to you about your accident.
Bond: And which particular accident would that be?
Voice: The accident involving your car.
Bond: Car accident? I’ve had three in the last week- one when my car overturned fourteen times when I saw my current girlfriend thrown out of the car in front, one where my car ended up in the River Tiber when I ejected out of it, and one where I delivered it back to Avis in a rather unorthodox manner.
Voice: You may be entitled to compensation.
Bond: I would very much doubt that.
Voice: Was your car damaged?
Bond: Well, technically, those weren’t even my cars.
Voice: Was anyone injured?
Bond: Someone usually dies.
Voice: By using the keypad, please enter your eight-digit bank account number, your six-digit sort code, and your four-digit PIN.
Bond: I have only one number, my friend. And that has three digits.
Brilliant! (Searches frantically for ability to post several smiley faces) Oh.
2012. Savile Row.
Inside one of Savile Row’s most iconic tailors, a phone rings.
Tailor (picking up the phone) Savile Row. Ah hello Mr Bond, how are you? ... That would be fine, I look forward to.... What's that..... (he turns visibly pale)... but … but…. Yes, Mr Bond. (He puts down the phone). Oh no.
Assistant: What’s up?
Tailor: He’s coming here again today. For another fitting.
Assistant: Mr Bond? Surely you should be happy - he’s one of our best customers!
Tailor: You don’t understand. It started out innocently enough, with a request for a perfectly-fitted Prince of Wales check suit with slightly reinforced pockets for a gunmetal cigarette case and an oxidised Ronson lighter. Then it progressed to suits with pockets for a variety of car keys, a larger-than-usual wallet to hold everything from his Playboy Club membership to lock picks disguised as a credit card; and pens of every size and type, from bullet-firing to listening devices to grenades.
Assistant: A challenge yes, but surely not too much for a master tailor such as yourself?
Tailor: If it was just those, I would have relished the challenge. But in the past few years, I’ve had to include secret pockets to house whistle-activated keyrings, GPS encoders, multiple spy cameras and safe-cracking devices, fake fingerprints, rebreathers, steel-toothed finger-traps, radioactive lint, bug sweepers, five different types of binoculars, ten different types of mobile phone, twenty different types of sunglasses, trousers with heavy-duty belt loops for a piton-firing belt, and room for concealed holsters of all shapes and sizes, from Berettas to Walthers, even piton guns and a shark-repellent pistol. I even had to make him a wetsuit with room for a miniature flare gun, a homing pill, several rebreathers, and a fake seagull!
Tailor: Last week I even had his bootmaker on the phone, asking if I could help with hollowing out the heel of his shoes. And now this!
Assistant (aghast): What?!
Tailor: He says he wants his suits to fit “a little more tightly”…
I'd give you smileys, too, if I could, but can't (I needed someone to show me how to do italics and bold- many thanks, Silhouette Man) so you'll have to settle for knowing that I'm laughing. As ever, nicely observed; it's the details that make these fun. That, plus the fact that the more one knows ones Bond the funnier it gets.
Laughing emoji, laughing emoji, laughing emoji!
Charmed & Dangerous said:
say this is a good test for Bond-fans! who can name which film Bond found each one of these gadgets in some pocket in his suit? I doubt I could name a quarter of them!
but do tailors really make wetsuits?
the happy face icon bottom left leads to a wide range of emojis, an almost overwhelming selection that includes all manner of non-emoji marker symbols
here's one that looks like an Amanita muscaria! 🍄 for responding to extra-hallucinatory posts, maybe? therefor may actually be appropriate to those who can hear Imaginary conversations....
Whistle activated keyring- TLD
GPS encoder- TND
Spy camera- MR
Safe-cracking device- YOLT
Fake fingerprints- DAF
Rebreather- TB and DAD
Steel-toothed finger-trap- DAF
Radioactive lint- OHMSS
Bug sweeper- LALD
Binoculars, Phones, Sunglasses, Holsters- Assorted; too many to enjoy listing
Trousers with heavy duty loops- GE (but also DAF for the next item)
Piton gun- DAF
Shark-repellent pistol- LALD
Wetsuit with flare gun, homing pill, rebreather- TB
Fake seagull- GF
2006. (An elegant apartment somewhere in S/E England. I could tell you where, but then I’m afraid I’d have to shoot you.)
Contractor: ...and the windows are made of unbreakable glass and feature state-of-the-art alarms.
M: I see.
Contractor: The doors, of course, have titanium steel underneath the wood panelling.
M: But of course.
Contractor: As per your instructions, I’ve installed CCTV all around the property.
M: Thank you.
Contractor: So, if that will be all Mrs Mans-
M: (Instantly.) Yes, I think so. You’ll send the invoice to my office?
Contractor: Yes, I’ll do that. I think you’ll be very secure here, ma’am.
M: I do hope so.
(Later that day, M comes home to find Bond sitting there.)
M: (Making a mental note not to use that contractor again.) You’ve got a bloody cheek!
2012: (A different dwelling. An MI6 specialist speaks to Mrs Ma… er, M.)
Specialist: I’ve doubled the thickness on the bulletproof glass in the windows, and used extra bombproof lining on the doors.
M: Yes, I see.
Specialist: The locks have a randomly-assigned code number to allow entry. Guided laser beams will dissect someone who does not enter the correct number.
Specialist: And a moat filled with man-eating crocodiles surrounds the whole property.
Specialist: Every inch is covered by CCTV, instantly sending images back to MI6 and Special Branch until you turn it off using your personal number which you will decide and only you will know.
Specialist: Automatic machine guns firing armour-piercing bullets will be activated unless anyone but you is seen approaching the property.
M: That sounds ideal.
Specialist: So, if that will be all, ma’am…?
M: Yes, that will be all.
(Later that day, M comes home to find Bond sitting in the dark.)
M: (Making a mental note to fire the specialist.) Where the hell have you been?
Bond: Enjoying death.
So true! 🤣🤣🤣
Btw - trousers with heavy duty belt loops for a piton firing belt - is from GE, which also features one of the three piton guns (DAF as you note, GE and Goldfinger) 🍸
Speaking of the DAF piton gun....
Guy Hamilton: Now, Sean, you have to shoot one piton to the left, one to the right, then swing out into space-
Sean- Shwing out into shpashe? I'm not shwanning around shwinging on two ropesh outshide shome shkyshcraper in Lash Vegash! Get Bob Shimmonsh!
😂😂😂 and on that note:
Guy Hamilton: Now, Roger, you swoop down on your hang-glider, knock the guard over the cliff...
Roger: Swoop down? Knock the guard over the cliff? What are the girls on either side of me doing?
Guy: Girls on...? Roger, it's a hang-glider built for one.
Roger: No girls? Knocking guards over a cliff? Get Bob Simmons!
Well, there's only one way to go...
Peter Hunt: So, here Bond leaps out of the helicopter onto Piz Gloria, holding a sub-machine gun.
George: (Excited.) Sounds great, Peter.
Peter: Glad you think so, George. (Turns to crew.) Get Bob Simmons!
Martin Campbell: ... then you jump from the top of the crane - about, oh, thirty feet or so - onto a lower crane, them you jump the rest of the way onto the top of the building site....
Gary Powell: Jump from the top of the crane....? Get Daniel!
Martin: ... Daniel, how do you fancy jumping from the top of the ....
Daniel: Get Tom Cruise!
You'll have to imagine the smileys!
John Glen: ...so, Roger, we find you lying in bed. Grace Jones comes in, strips off, and gets on top of-
Roger: Get Bob Simmons!
John: Er, he's retiring Roger- you'll have to do this one yourself.
Roger: Then I'm retiring too.
John: Fine, but we have to finish this scene first.
Roger: I suppose it's too late to call in James Brolin?
C&D - I just love the Savile Row sketch 🤣
Barbel: As usual, brilliant.
Keep ‘em coming, guys 😀
Thanks, CHB, and we certainly will!
1983- Royal Premiere of "Never Say Never Again."
(In the Royal limousine.)
Diana: Another James Bond film! It’s exciting, isn’t it Charles?
Charles: (Morose.) If you say so.
Diana: Well if you don’t like the films, why are we here?
Charles: Mummy said we were to go.
Diana: Oh Charles, I don’t do everything MY mother says I’ve to do!
Charles: Well, your mother doesn’t have her own army, navy and air force.
Diana: I enjoyed the most recent one we saw- Roger Moore was swinging from a vine doing the Tarzan yell.
Charles: One believes it is Sean Connery in this one.
Diana: Oh, are they taking turns now?
Charles: I believe it’s more complicated than that.
(Outside the theatre.)
Kevin McClory: (Excited.) Is everyone ready? Are you all in position?
Sean: (Not excited.) Yesh, Kevin, it’ll all be fine. We have done thish before, you know.
Kevin: I know, I just hope they don’t spot that it’s “Thunderball” all over again.
Sean: Of courshe they won’t.
(The Royal limousine draws up and the Royal couple emerge, Diana looking radiant and catching all eyes. A million flashbulbs erupt.)
Kevin: Good evening, Your Royal Highnesses.
Charles: Good evening, Mr Broc-
Kevin: (Quickly.) McClory, Kevin McClory.
Sean: (Mutters.) Thinksh he’sh got MY job.
Charles: Of course, Mr McClory. My wife, the Princess Of Wales.
Diana: Hello, Mr McClory. I’m looking forward to seeing your film.
Kevin: Very kind of you to say so, ma’am.
Diana: My favourite was always “Thunderball”- you know, with Domino, Largo, and all the swimming. I hope this one is as good as that was!
Kevin: ...er… yes, ma’am. May I present our James Bond, Mr Sean Connery?
Diana: Good evening to you, Mr Connery.
Sean: Good evening, ma’am.
Charles: Hello again, Connery, how have you been?
Connery: Fine, shir.
Charles: And what films have you made recently?
Sean: You might have watched “Time Banditsh”, Your Highnessh.
Diana: Oh yes, that was good.
Charles: Oh, I thought that was Roger Moore.
(Diana rolls her eyes.)
Kevin: And this is our leading lady, Miss Kim Basinger.
Charles: Hello, Miss Basinger, where might I have seen you before?
Kim: I was in “Playboy” recently, sir.
Charles: Oh yes, that’ll be- ow!
Diana: (Removing her high heel from Charles’ foot.) Good evening, Miss Basinger, did you enjoy making this film?
Kim: It did seem to take a long time to shoot, ma’am, but it was only 9 ½ weeks.
Charles: And which part do you play?
Kim: I play Domino, sir.
Kevin: (Moving on quickly.) Next is Klaus Maria Brandauer, who plays our villain.
Diana: Good evening, Mr Brandauer.
Klaus: Good evening, Your Highness.
Charles: And what part do you play?
Klaus: I play Largo, sir.
Diana: Domino… Largo…
(Diana and Charles exchange looks.)
Charles: Look, McClory, you’re not just trying to show us “Thunderball” again, are you?
Kevin: Oh no, sir, it’s quite different.
Kevin: Our director, Mr Irvin Kershner.
Diana: Hello, Mr Kershner.
Irvin: Good evening, ma’am.
Charles: What other films have you directed, Mr Kershner?
Irvin: Well, I directed Mr Connery in a film many years ago, called “A Fine Madness”.
Charles: No, I don’t know that one.
Irvin: (Confident, relaxed.) But more recently I directed “The Empire Strikes Back”.
Charles: “The Empire…?”
Diana: (Rolls eyes.) Oh, Charles….
Irvin: “The Empire Strikes Back” - Harrison Ford?
(Charles shakes his head.)
Irvin: Luke Skywalker? Darth Vader?
(Charles continues to shake his head.)
Irvin: Sir Alec Guinness? Star Wars?
Irvin: (Getting worried now.) Princess Leia?
Charles: Oh yes! In the gold bikini! Great film!
(Irvin nods wearily, tactfully not pointing out that the gold bikini is in the next film in that series.)
Kevin: This is Mr Rowan Atkinson.
Diana: Oh, hello Mr Atkinson! I do so enjoy watching your programme “The Black Adder”.
Rowan: Very kind of you to say so, ma’am.
Charles: “Blackadder”? What’s that all about?
Rowan: I play the neglected son of the reigning monarch.
Charles: Oh, I must see that one!
Kevin: Our composer, Monsieur Michel Legrand.
Charles: Oh, I was rather expecting John Barry.
Michel: Barry? Ha! My score is ten times better than anything that overrated trumpet player ever wrote!
Charles: Well, I-
Michel: The score for “Never Say Never Again” will be universally praised, and remembered long after any of the other James Bond scores!
Diana: Perhaps we-
Michel: And the title song will be a huge worldwide hit, a much bigger hit than any of the other Bond songs!
Kevin: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Highnesses?
Charles: Yes, I think that might be best.