Imaginary Conversations



  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,356MI6 Agent

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ "Foreword by Patrick McGoohan" 😠😁

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff

    Well, it was either that or "The Christmas Jones Guide To Nuclear Fizzicks"....

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,919MI6 Agent

    I wish the documentaries on the James Bond DVDs were this realistic πŸ˜„

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff

    There's another one in the pipeline, N24, hopefully coming soon.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff
    edited April 2021

    This is by Charmed & Dangerous, CoolHandBond, and me.

    1983 (The Royal Premiere of “Octopussy”)


    (In the Royal limousine.)

    The Duke: What’s the name of this new one, Liz?

    The Queen: Octopussy.

    The Duke: Octo - eight pussies, eh? That Moore fellow’s been hard at it!

    The Queen: Philip!

    The Duke: Wasn’t there a Pussy Galore in a previous movie played by that Honor...ummm...ummm…

    The Queen: Don’t go there, Philip.


    (At the theatre.)

    Cubby: Good evening Your Majesty, Your Royal Highness.

    Queen: Good evening Mr. Broccoli.

    The Duke: What’s an "octopussy", Brocketman?

    Cubby: It’s the name of our leading lady.

    The Duke: Ah, I thought it was a cowardly octopus. What’s this one about, Brocandroll?

    Cubby: A stolen egg, your Highness. A Fabergé egg in fact, the property of a lady. We actually used the real-life Fabergé Coronation egg.

    The Duke: Coronation egg eh? That would take some beating! Did you decide to shell out, eh Brockofages?

    The Queen: Move on, Philip, before I have you scrambled.


    Cubby: May I present our James Bond, Mr Roger Moore?

    Queen: (Coyly.) You’re looking younger than ever, Mr Moore.

    Roger: Your words are very saintly, ma’am (Raising eyebrows and looking upwards.).

    The Duke: I hear you’re coming up against your deadliest foe yet, Moore.

    Roger: Louis Jourdan or Steven Berkoff, your Highness?

    The Duke: No, the Box Office! Isn’t that Scottish feller coming up against you in another Bond film?

    Roger: (Charmingly.) I’m not afraid of a little stiff competition, Your Royal Highness.

    The Duke: A little stiff eh? Perhaps you need a stuntman or a therapist, eh Moore?

    The Queen: Philip! (Turning to Roger.) I do hope there’s not too much clowning about- or monkeying around- in this one, Mr Moore?

    Roger: Well, it’s funny you should say that…


    Cubby: Our leading lady, Miss Maud Adams.

    Queen: Who do you play, Miss Adams?

    Maud: Octopussy, Your Majesty.

    Philip: I have to ask… I don’t suppose you have eight pu.......

    Queen: Philip, behave!


    Cubby: May I present our screenwriters: Richard Maibaum, long-term Bond alumnus; my stepson Michael G. Wilson; and finally Mr George MacDonald Fraser.

    The Queen: Ah, Mr MacDonald Fraser. I understand that you also write a series of popular historic novels – what’s the character’s name?

    George: Flashman, Your Majesty.

    The Duke: Flashman, eh? Man after me own heart, Macdonalds. The real hero of Tom Brown’s schooldays. My favourite of yours is ‘Flash for Freedom!’.

    The Queen: There’s really no surprise there, Philip, is there? 


    Cubby: And this, as I’m sure you remember, is our wonderful composer, Mr John Barry.

    The Duke: Ah, nice to see you again, Baritone.

    John: A pleasure as always, your Highness.

    The Queen: Mr Barry, how on earth did you manage to get the title for this film into a song?

    John: I didn’t, your Majesty. I opted for an “All Time High” instead.

    The Duke: Been at the old wacky baccy eh, Barryisland? Does that help your writing?

    John: No, your Highness, but I suspect it may help with future theme collaborations…


    Cubby: Our villain, Mr Louis Jourdan, ma’am.

    The Queen: Good evening Mr Jourdan, I remember you well from those musicals you did.

    Louis: Thank you, ma’am. More recently, you may have seen me as Dracula.

    The Duke: Where are you from, Luigi?

    Louis: France, but I play an Indian named Kamal Khan.

    The Duke: Where do I start?!!

    Queen: Philip! (As Louis is hustled aside.) Sit!!


    Cubby: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Majesty?

    The Queen: Yes, I think that might be best.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,919MI6 Agent


  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff

    No jokes, even affectionate ones: RIP Prince Philip, Duke Of Edinburgh.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff
    edited April 2021

    Written by Barbel, CoolHandBond, Charmed & Dangerous

    20...something (The Royal Premiere of “No Time To Die".)


    (In the Royal limousine.)

    Charles: “No Time To Die”, eh? Been a bloody long time waiting for this one!

    Camilla: Yes, that is true, dear. I thought at one point they might eschew the cinema and put it on…

    Charles: Don’t mention Netflix, Camilla!

    Camilla: Sorry, Charles. This whole thing with that son of yours is becoming a bit of a soap opera.

    Charles: Don’t mention Oprah either! Still, I’m looking forward to meeting Dame Judi again.

    Camilla: (Sighing.) Dame Judi is not in these films any more, Charles.

    Charles: Oh, pity. Had a better offer, did she?

    Camilla: I believe the correct word is “retired”, Charles.

    Charles: Really? Pity Harry and whatsername aren’t thinking of retiring.

    Camilla: They seem to be happy in California.

    Charles: Hmmm. Are there any tunnels in California?

    Camilla: I’ll speak to that Trump fellow. He strikes me as a man who would know these things.


    (At the theatre. The Royal couple are greeted by MGW & BB.)

    MGW: May I present our new 007?

    Camilla: But she’s… she’s…

    BB: Yes, ma’am, she is…

    Charles: of the Three Degrees?

    MGW: No, your Royal Highness, she isn’t one of the Three Degrees, nor is she James Bond – she just has his number as the film starts. Our film is full of surprises! Shall we move along now?


    BB: May I present our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig?

    Camilla: Of course. Good evening, Mr-

    (A ginger-haired man pushes through the lineup,)

    Harry: Ms Broccoli, have you got a role for my wife, she’s an amazing actress and...

    (He is hustled away by six large men in suits and sunglasses.)

    BB: So sorry, ma’am.

    Camilla: No, one is used to him appearing where he is not wanted. You were saying…?

    BB: Our James Bond, Mr Daniel Craig.

    Camilla: Ah yes. Good evening, Mr Craig.

    Daniel: Good evening, ma’am.

    Charles: Still got that licence to kill, eh?

    Daniel: Yes, your Royal Highness, for the moment anyway.

    Charles: (Quietly.) I just may have someone in mind, perhaps we can speak after the show?


    BB: Playing our villain is Mr Rami Malek.

    Camilla: Good evening, Mr Malek.

    Rami: Good evening, ma’am.

    Charles: Mr Dalek, is it? I’m starting to go a little deaf.

    Rami: (Under his breath.) I’m surprised, with those ears… (Speaking louder.) No, your Royal Highness, it’s Malek.

    Camilla: Your face seems familiar - what films might one have seen you in?

    Rami: Perhaps “Bohemian Rhapsody”, ma’am? About Queen?

    Charles: About the Queen? Not another bloody thing like “The Crown”!

    Rami: No, the band Queen - I play their lead singer.

    Charles: Ah yes, Elton Bowie, wasn’t it?

    MGW: And this is Mr Rory Kinnear.

    Camilla: How nice. And which part do you play, Mr Kinnear?

    Rory: Bill Tanner, ma’am. Just like in the last four fuc-

    BB: Rory!

    MGW: Yes, Rory, I’m shocked at you.

    Rory: Sorry, Mr Wilson, sir.

    MGW: It’s only the last three fuc-

    BB: Michael!

    Camilla: Rory Kinnear?

    Prince Charles: Bill Tanner?

    (Camilla and Prince Charles look at each other, shake their heads, shrug, and walk on. Rory sighs.)

    Rory: Must run in the family…


    BB: This is Herr Christoph Waltz.

    Charles: Hang on, weren’t you in the last one too?

    Christoph: Ja, that is so, sir.

    Camilla: And this young lady here….?

    Lea: Lea Seydoux, ma’am.

    Camilla: Yes, thank you. Weren’t you in the last one as well?

    Lea: Oui, madame.

    Camilla: My, my.

    Daniel: And of course, I was too.

    Charles: Yes, of course. And Ralph Fiennes, Naomie Harris, and Ben Whishaw as well.

    Rory: And I think you’ll find that I-

    (Charles and Camilla have already started walking. Rory looks to the heavens for restraint.)

    (A muffled voice sounds ‘mmf!.. mmf!’ while another, heavily accented voice seeks to smother the first, as BB and MGW rush off to investigate. Camilla and Prince Charles wander down the line until they hear the owner of the heavily-accented voice).

    Charles: What’s that ghastly accent?

    Camilla: It sounds like.. it is, it’s German! That must be Hans Zimmer, the composer.

    (They wander up to the owner of the German accent.)

    Camilla: One is looking forward to hearing the film’s soundtrack this evening – one is an admirer of your work, Herr Zimmer.

    Completely Unidentified German Man: (One arm hanging down from the weight of the ridiculous watch he is wearing.) Herr Zimm..? Nein, ma’am. I am simply, shall we say, an interested party. I wondered if I could perhaps persuade your mother-in-law to lock up your idiot Prime Minister in the Tower until such time that Britain is forced to re-join the EU, ja?

    Charles: Not ruddy likely! And next time you greet royalty, young man, perhaps you might wear decent footwear instead of those ghastly green trainers!

    MGW: Perhaps we should go in now, Your Highness?

    Charles: Yes, I think that might be best- before you delay this one again.

    (As they enter, a voice is heard from far away)

    Harry: We’re going to cancel you!!! You’re racist!!! My wife deserves to be a Bond girl!!! Listen to me... (Muffled sounds continue.)

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,919MI6 Agent

    Good, but I miss..... Phillip! πŸ˜”

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff

    I think we all do. πŸ˜”

    Well, that's the end of the Imaginary Premieres. I really thought we'd finished with "Octopussy" (they haven't been in order) but CoolHandBond suggested we round things off with "No Time To Die" so I roped in Charmed & Dangerous and off we went.

    Caractacus Potts has said he'd like to do a guide to these, and that'll be posted soon.

  • HigginsHiggins GermanyPosts: 16,477MI6 Agent


    How do you guys come up with those totally unrealistic characters from Germany, I wonder?

    I know no one who would even remotely come close to such idiots 🀨

    President of the 'Misty Eyes Club'.

    Dalton - the weak and weepy Bond!
  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,356MI6 Agent
    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff

    No, Higgins, I'm pretty sure that Christoph Waltz is Austrian rather than German.

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff



    Car dumped in Tokyo Bay by giant helicopter

    In a repeat of a recent incident, a car full of identically dressed men was yesterday dropped into Tokyo bay by a giant helicopter. The men were picked up by the coastguard and it is understood that they have admitted nothing to police, except that they were in no way connected with Osato Chemicals And Engineering. Most definitely not.

    Last month a similar incident occurred involving a car full of traffic wardens who had just given a ticket to a Mr T. Tanaka. On enquiry, Mr Tanaka’s spokesperson said he had no comment to make either on the matter or on where he obtained his TV pictures of such incidents from.

    Police are anxious to speak to the driver or passenger of a white Toyota convertible seen leaving the scene at great speed, heading in the direction of Kobe. Toyota have denied making a convertible.

    Witness to the incident was a European tourist, Mr Victor Tourjansky, who said:

    (Continued Page 6)


    In other news:

    Incident reported at Kobe docks- Page 3

    UFO spotted over Ama island – Page 4

    Warning about lox and butter shortages- Page 5

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,919MI6 Agent
    edited April 2021

    Very interesting! πŸ˜ƒ

    Can you find any news reports on laser beams destroying nuclear weapons in the US, USSR and China around 1971?

    Is there any mention of a particular Chinese guard suffering short- or long term effects from shock or possibly over-acting?

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff

    I'll have a look and see if I can find anything. Meantime, I did come across this:



     Car seen emerging from ocean.

    Holidaymakers were yesterday stunned to see a white sports car emerge from the ocean onto a popular beach not far from the Stromberg Marine Research Laboratory.

    Police are currently examining a fish found at the scene, apparently dropped by the driver of the car, in the hope that it can provide some clues as to identification.

    Witness to the incident was a tourist, Mr Victor Tourjansky, who said:

    (Continued page 6)


    In other news:

    Feather-covered motorcyclist found at bottom of cliff- Page 3

    Car found in house – Page 4

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,440Chief of Staff

    Excellent 🀣🀣

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff
    edited April 2021

    Thank you, Sir Miles. In that case....



    Gondola seen driving around St Mark’s Square

    Four hundred tourists and one pigeon were shocked yesterday to see a gondola driving around St Mark’s Square. No-one has been reported harmed, although one man is suing a waiter for beer-related damages.

    Police are currently treating this as a one-off incident, although other incidents involving gondolas have also been reported. A Mr A. R. Broccoli and a Mr M. G. Wilson, both of whom were spotted walking about the square, are understood to be helping the police with their enquiries.

    Witness to the incident was a tourist, Mr Victor Tourjansky, who said:

    (Continued page 6)


    In other news:

    Man found upside-down in piano- Page 3

    Break in at Venini Glass– Page 4

    Three gas masks found- Page 5

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff



    Sugarloaf cable car crashes into control booth

     A cable car from the line going to Sugarloaf Mountain yesterday crashed into the booth controlling travel to and from the famous mountain. The controller was found unconscious in the wreckage.

    Police are currently searching for a seven foot two inch giant with steel teeth who was spotted at the site of the incident, as well as a short blonde woman who may or may not have braces on her teeth- reports vary.

    Witness to the incident was a tourist, Mr Victor Tourjansky, who said:

    (Continued page 6)


    In other news

    Man found in British Airways advertisement- Page 3

    Break in at C&W warehouse– Page 4

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,356MI6 Agent

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ brilliant!

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • CoolHandBondCoolHandBond Mactan IslandPosts: 4,242MI6 Agent

    The newspaper clippings are a stroke of genius, Barbel 🍸🍸🍸🀣🀣🀣

    Yeah, well, sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand.
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff

    Thanks, everyone.

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,919MI6 Agent

    They'll print anything these days.... 🀣

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff
    edited April 2021

    😎 Allow me one more before dropping this?



    Underground train crash

    Transport officials and Transport Police are currently investigating a major underground train crash which took place in London yesterday. No-one was injured as the train, for some reason, was completely unoccupied.

    Police are seeking to trace a blond man in a too tightly-fitting grey suit observed running from the scene. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the same man was later spotted driving north in a very beautiful 1964 Aston Martin DB5 accompanied by an elderly woman, believed to be his mother.

    “We are confident of being able to trace his progress”, said a police spokesman. “These cars are not completely inconspicuous”.


    In other news:

    Shoot-out at Government inquiry- Page 3

    Unnamed senior Ministry of Defence official missing- Page 4

    Two cats found starved to death in London flat- Page 5

  • Sir MilesSir Miles The Wrong Side Of The WardrobePosts: 25,440Chief of Staff

    Stroke of genius πŸ™ŒπŸ»

    you should keep these going 🍸

    YNWA 97
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff

    Oh, all right then...



    Willard Whyte reappears after three years

    Reclusive billionaire Willard Whyte has chosen to appear in public again after three years, during which no-one has seen him- no-one. Rumour has had him not set foot outside the penthouse of the well-known Whyte House, a property he owns in central Las Vegas, but it is understood that he has in fact been staying at his summer house on the ridge about ten miles outside of town.

    When asked what was behind his sudden re-emergence, Mr Whyte would only say “British Intelligence” before leaving to see off a liner heading for the United Kingdom. His casino manager, Albert R. Saxby, could not be reached for comment.

    Mr Whyte’s attendants at his summer house, a Ms Bambi and a Ms Thumper, are currently...

    Continued on Page 6


    In other news:

    Several police cars destroyed in mid-town chase- Page 3

    Wheel from moon buggy found on main highway- Page 4

    Sammy Davis, Jr, in contract dispute- Page 5

  • Charmed & DangerousCharmed & Dangerous Posts: 7,356MI6 Agent

    "Sammy Davis Jr in contract dispute" πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ superb!

    "How was your lamb?" "Skewered. One sympathises."
  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff



    Incident at Eiffel Tower

     Paris police are investigating an incident which occurred yesterday when a parachutist dived off the Eiffel Tower. The investigation also covers an elderly man stealing a taxi leading to a dramatic chase along the banks of the Seine.

    The taxi driver is currently helping the police with their enquiries, having given a statement including “I was at my lunch break”.

    Several cars were damaged during the chase. It is understood that a wedding which was taking place on a boat travelling along the Seine was interrupted by a man, believed to be the same one who stole the taxi, diving into the wedding cake.

    The bride has been quoted as saying:

    (Continued on Page 6)


    In other news

    Detective found dead in soup at restaurant- Page 3

    Boat with black woman and blond man wanted for breaking speed regulations- Page 4

    Performance artiste treated for butterfly-related shock- Page 5

  • BarbelBarbel ScotlandPosts: 32,225Chief of Staff



    Bus loses top at bridge

    One of San Monique’s prize fleet of luxury buses was involved in a freak accident yesterday when going under a low bridge, losing its top. The rest of the bus was later abandoned at a small pier.

    The driver has not been found. Official instructions state that the man who finds him stays alive. The original driver has offered his apologies for leaving his bus unattended, and has been ritually sacrificed as a matter of routine.

    Dr Kananga’s left-hand man, Mr Hee, has said:

    (Continued on Page 6)


    In other news

    San Monique wins “Least Like Jamaica” contest for 25th year running- Page 3

    Auditions for voodoo dancers being held, contact Baron Samedi- Page 4

    Dr Kananga flies back to USA- Page 5

  • Number24Number24 NorwayPosts: 18,919MI6 Agent

    ".... and has been ritually sacrificed as a matter of routine." 🀣

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